31 January 2007

if this is a need-to-know basis, you need to know

100 fun facts for cocktail parties that pertain to the superjanel. have fun.
  1. my hair is naturally curly.
  2. my eyesight is getting worse as i age.
  3. i wear glasses. sometimes i wear contacts.
  4. i have really bad allergies. year round.
  5. i'm not a very good swimmer but i can float.
  6. i'm afraid to swim in the ocean.
  7. i dislike white socks and green jello.
  8. i rarely have the patience for the elderly.
  9. i haven't balanced my checkbook in months. i wouldn't know where to start.
  10. i love crude humor; even fart jokes.
  11. i have five tattoos.
  12. i have my sixth and seventh tattoos picked out.
  13. i'm not sure what i want to do with my education.
  14. i like being unemployed.
  15. i eat a lot of cheese.
  16. once, when i was 13, i broke a window with my foot. accidentally.
  17. once, when i was 14, i broke a bunch of windows with my fist. not an accident.
  18. i once fell off the hood of a moving car - this is a sport called escort surfing.
  19. i have two brothers; they're awesome.
  20. i have a half-sister. she has a lot of kids: six.
  21. i don't want kids.
  22. i have two cats.
  23. i have two fish.
  24. i rarely return phone calls and i hate voicemail.
  25. i think george stephanopoulos is adorable.
  26. i don't pay a lot of attention to politics even though i know i probably should.
  27. i love coloring books.
  28. csi: miami is one of the best shows ever.
  29. thanks to david caruso.
  30. i spent an ungodly amount of money on tempur-pedic pillows. they are so worth it.
  31. i collect swatch watches. when i travel my bag always gets inspected because it ticks really loudly.
  32. i still sleep with a teddy bear and my tickle bunnies.
  33. i'd rather have a few really good friends than a ton of people that i kinda know.
  34. when i drive by a patch of highway that is currently not adopted (you know the adopt a highway program), i feel bad for it. is it an undesirable stretch of road?
  35. i call my mom so she'll talk sense into me. she makes me laugh. she's awesome.
  36. i don't call my grandma often enough.
  37. i don't ever want to get married again. ever.
  38. i'm kind of a scatterbrain.
  39. and i'm sort of a slob.
  40. my iq is crazy high.
  41. but i act like it's not so people 1) won't expect much out of me and 2) won't guess that i'm paying as much attention as i do. this is so very useful.
  42. i took the act in the seventh grade. i probably scored higher than you.
  43. i haven't been to church in forever but i'm considering going back.
  44. i love books. i love the smell of books.
  45. i love the smell of office supplies. i love to breath deep in staples. ahhhh...
  46. i have many pairs of adidas. many.
  47. i love skateboarding shoes. i don't skateboard well - my last attempt ended badly and i was almost hit by a car.
  48. i've had more jobs than i am years old.
  49. my birthday is 07feb. i expect lavish gifts.
  50. when i was in the third grade, my mom braided my hair almost everyday.
  51. i could never work at cold stone creamery; i would weigh a ton.
  52. i have a set of mark twain novels published in 1906.
  53. i'm on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i don't get hangovers anymore.
  54. i love baseball.
  55. i love baseball players. especially pitchers.
  56. i love traveling. but i love coming home. no bed feels as good as your own.
  57. i sing all the time. i'm not a good singer and i don't care.
  58. i can play many instruments.
  59. i love marching band. i love watching marching bands.
  60. when i was 11, i got my foot caught in the spoke's of my brother's bike. it peeled off a whole lot of skin and it looked like the inside of a fish.
  61. my goldfish eat oranges.
  62. people like to talk to me. sometimes i don't listen.
  63. i get bored really easily.
  64. grey goose and cranberry is my drink of choice. but i'll try just about anything.
  65. i can't do cartwheels.
  66. i can suck my upper lip into my nose and hold it there for an extended period of time.
  67. i love movies. and buying dvds.
  68. i sunburn really easily. and then when it all peels off, i can tan.
  69. i like to make faces at children.
  70. i have a lead foot. i drive too fast. way too fast. it's genetic.
  71. i can be really nasty when i'm mad.
  72. if you're important to me, you have your own ringtone on my cell.
  73. and if you're not, i don't answer when you call.
  74. i worry about my future. but not for very long. or too often. just when i pay bills.
  75. i drive a grey buick rendezvous. his name is uugof. i have named all my vehicles: gary, lucy in the sky with diamonds, grandma betty crocker boo, goldie hawn solo, nermal, shavonda jackson, and uugof. (his mother was a volkswagon.) there was a blue buick in there somewhere; it was called the chickwagon.
  76. my stepfather is amazing. i like to tell people he's really my dad.
  77. my real dad's okay. you just have to know what you're getting into. and then you can't be disappointed.
  78. i have amazing friends. with really comfy sofas. :)
  79. i get migraine headaches. they're awful.
  80. i stress about my weight. but not too much or i wouldn't eat so much cheese.
  81. i make a mean ziti. it's the only thing i can make that doesn't come in a box.
  82. i love gangster movies: the godfather movies, goodfellas, casino.
  83. i have a tv that weighs as much as i do.
  84. i hate moving.
  85. i live in illinois. that's crazy.
  86. i've decided i don't like people from wisconsin. just because i can.
  87. i try to be very open minded but some things are very trying. so are some people.
  88. i have a degree, a b.s. in e-business. i don't know what that means or what to do with it.
  89. i am currently attending the university of dubuque. it's why i moved. or maybe i was just bored, i don't know.
  90. i have two bedrooms: a summer room and a winter room. i sleep in the winter room.
  91. i've had two cavities.
  92. sometimes when i'm nervous i chew my bottom lip.
  93. i love gangster rap. i really like all kinds of music.
  94. i can be sort of arrogant. it's an act. i'm really not, but it's my self defense mechanism.
  95. i will forever be in debt to the goverment for student loans.
  96. i'm not a very good driver.
  97. i hate having my picture taken.
  98. no cake tastes as good as wedding cake. wanna get married?
  99. i crack myself up. i am so freakin' funny.
  100. i like my hair.
i'm spent. g'nite. muah!

a girl's got to have her shoes

look at this shit. aren't these hot? are you wondering what those are, on my new shoes?

those are angry little muscley starfish. hehehe...

now check these out.

these are my new superstars. with pink argyle stripes. i am so cool it's disgusting.

and aren't those socks just amazing? :)

no more drinking and blogging.

OMG. when i drink, someone needs to take this shit away from me. i am a melodramatic little whiny sucky baby. ugh.

a preface is necessary

any misspellings - well, let me apologize in advance. i'm typing as slow as i can fathom but i'm not making any guarantees. the tears in my eyes don't allow for kosher proofreading conditions and i'll be the first to admit that i've had too much to drink but it didn't stop me from asking for more.

i miss my life. i miss my house. i miss the husband i thought i had. i miss our inside jokes and our snide comments. i miss the best friend i used to have and the level of comfort i used to have in my own home. i miss being me. because now, i'm a fragment of me, living in a shard of my old life. and some days i can barely stand the reality i've created for myself. the sad thing is that it didn't have to end up this way - this is the outcome of my own instigations. so i have no one else to blame.

but me.

i'm in love with myself, my old way of thinking and the person its allowed me to become. unfortunately, life won't let me be that person. i've been laid off from a job sector i apparently invented - because no one else lives or works in this fantasy land that i've created.

sometimes i just want it all to go away. sometimes i wish i'd succeeded.

30 January 2007

i hope misery loves company; it's all i'm good for.

i've never known anyone so plagued with such luck. honestly, he'd be better off with no luck rather than the poor luck he's been blessed with. i have a friend that has suffered more lately than any one person should have to - and it doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon.

last night i was graced with the pleasure of watching another human being's heart literally break. i've not seen that before; usually it's me on the flipside of that emotion and while i'm in the midst of it, i don't want to stand in front of a mirror to take notes on how it really appears.

it's not pretty.

i'm not going to go into detail, because the details aren't mine to divulge, but there is carnage. and he deserves to be upset and hurt. but i just can't get over the expressions on his face. those just about broke my heart, for him. because i know what he's going through. it's a sharp pain in your gut, like your entrails are being pulled from your body. your heart pounds and your mind races and there's not a thing you can do about it. it's pure adrenaline and for all the wrong reasons. because once the words are out there, they're out there. they don't go away and they can't be forgotten.

i just can't get over the range of emotions on his face. i really wanted to cry for him. and then i wanted to injure the person that did this to him, because that's the kind of person that i am. i'm generally not a violent person, but i do belong to the school of thought that a swift blow to the kneecaps with an aluminum baseball bat will solve incompetency in much of the general public; this particular hapless soul included. this person should fear me; i hold grudges and take the well being of my friends very seriously. he has fucked with my chi and it won't be soon forgiven.

but here is my dilemma: how can i help when really all i can do is commiserate? my advice is trite and my experiences too new; my own wounds are too fresh to offer any real assistance. so i find myself just nodding as we share awful stories. i don't know if this is helping or even healthy. every now and then i can resurrect a tidbit passed on to me from my mom, but mostly i just nod. i don't feel very useful. i just wish there was something i could do.

seriously. if he'd let me drive to ord and bash some kneecaps, i'd be all over that bitch like stink on shit. fucking cocksucker.

i am NOT a goat, damn it

all my life i have been led to believe by various chinese restaurant placemats that my chinese astrological sign was monkey. i've led my life as a monkey. so tonight i'm all excited to read that i can get my free chinese horoscope (again, that word!). except i enter my birthdate and it comes up that i'm not a monkey but a goat. what the fuck? i am NOT a goat. i have never been a goat and at thirty minus three years and nine days, i will not become a goat now. bitches. so when i read my fortune i felt better - it had a typographical error in it. so there is no credibility to this. and i'm still a monkey. besides, are the chinese furbies so lazy that they can only write a horoscope once a week? what is that? that's dumb. it's not like they're that busy.

i still haven't done any homework. :)

you look like a buick?

so funny...

i love it.

29 January 2007

we're only 61 days out boys and girlies

only 61 days until opening day. i don't care how - i am going to be at wrigley field on april 9 when the cubbies play their home opener against houston. i don't care if i have to become a vixen of the night, selling my self on street corners; i don't care if i have to harvest my eggs; i don't care if i have to sell a kidney; i don't care -- you get the point. i will be there. and quite possibly, i will find a way to be in cvg on april 2 for their first game. (gran massa champ, i'll stop calling you cartman and making references to your growing arse and world of warcraft if you'll help me out with this...) anyway. only 61 days. i can buy tickets on 23feb. oh yeah.

today was school. and do i feel learned. apparently my pompous prof and i read completely different chapters for this week's class - shit, we read completely different books. because i don't know where he got what he got out of the reading, but all i got was a serious nasty headache. so tonight i just followed along and highlighted what he outlined as the major points in the chapters because i seem to have missed every single one of them. ugh. i hate this class. i hate this man. at least my classmates seemed to have a lil' more personality this week. or maybe i was just awake this week. or maybe i was just concentrating on something other than getting drunk. it's hard to say.

work. i've thought about getting a job, which ought to count for something but unfortunately does not when it comes to paying rent and pacifying my mother and my roommate. so today i was doing what i usually do: watch sportscenter and eat apples until about noon when my current gm called to see why i hadn't submitted my paperwork for my leave of absence yet. and honestly, it's on my list of things to do, along with about a bajillion things that i eventually intend to do, such as alphabatize my sock drawer and attain world peace. so she asked me mail it in, along with my badges and my keys. and i said okay and hung up the phone and then i about cried because i don't want to send in my badge. i like my badge. i like my job. i love my job. i'm incredibly sad that i don't get to go to work anymore. so i logged on to jetnet and was just dicking around when i saw that cid has an opening for a ft agent - that's what i am. that's my job and it's only an hour away. so i called cid's gm and discussed this and he's going to call my gm and discuss this and she's going to think i've lost my fucking mind but honestly i've changed my mind and there is nothing for me here in dbq with eagle (right now, anyway) and i can't bear the thought of getting a 'real' job and i don't really feel like trying so i think this is a good decision. (that is the run-on sentence from hell.) we'll see what happens, i guess. i've heard good things about the gm in cid and the kid that i made a complete fool out of myself with at ramp training is no longer listed on their seniority list, so i'm prolly safe. :) i hope.

what else? oh. this was not nice. gran massa champ (who, if he does not assist me in getting to cvg on 02apr for reds/cubs action will be referred to as cartman) told me that i'm arrogant. do you think i'm arrogant? i don't think i'm arrogant. i'm stuck up, yes, and i tend to think that i'm better than most people at most things (even things that i have no experience in)... and i think that i have just defined arrogant. piss. when did this happen? can a person change? the sad thing is, i sort of like me, so i guess that means i sort of like me arrogant and a pain in the ass. fuck.

one thing that i find interesting is the receptionist part of my roomie duties. i didn't realize i signed up for this job but it's been bestowed upon me, like it or not. so when the occupant of the south side of the house decides to take a holiday and stops answering his phone, his significant other calls/texts/messages moi to see where he is. little does the significant other know is that i'm the last person that gran massa champ tells where he is because if it's something he wants to keep secret, i'm going to charge him for my silence. and yes, kids, i'm talking dollars. i figure if it's something icky/bad/whatever enough that someone shouldn't be told, i should be compensated for its' weight on my conscience as well. this has happened a couple times. don't get me wrong, i like significant other. i just think it creates an interesting situation for me. but no one really stops to consider that, do they...? but no worries. i just answer questions 'do you know where he is?' with responses like 'i have no idea... he left here yesterday dressed in feathers and pink high heels holding a sack of potatoes and a fistful of two dollar bills... i didn't think a thing of it until the cops called...' hehehe... :D

do you watch comedy central? yes? no? go to their website and search for demetri martin. that guy is a crack up. omg. 'if i ever saw an amputee being hanged... i'd just shout out letters..' oh my funny.

okay. more homework to do. blecch. what can i do instead of homework? i've already filed and paid bills and cleaned the litterbox and made a sandwich. i'm out of things to do. so i guess i'll do homework. ugh. again, why did i go back to school?

peas out.

28 January 2007

i'll do anything... just make it stop

i'm ready to throw myself on top of an uncapped highlighter in the hopes that it will pierce my sternum and stop my heart so that i don't have to read any more of this dismal shit. omfg. make it stop. i mean, come on - i'm playing squelchies on pogo as an alternative to this shit. i fucking hate squelchies. that's how bad this is. ugh. and i wanted to back to school why?

i'm okay with being unimpressive.

i was up most of the night last night reading last night. mom gave me a book, 'the tenth circle', and it's incredibly involving. i think it was about 0400 when i finally put it down. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and i want to be reading it now but i've promised myself that any reading that i do now will be of the homework variety and there will be no other reading until my homework reading is done. my textbooks are about as dry and uninteresting as my classes; this has to get better - it's going to get better, right? this monday night class, especially this monday night class is going to kill me, of nothing else but sheer malaise. thinking about it this very second makes me yawn uncontrollably. i also have to go to the bathroom, but i don't think that's connected to thinking about monday night class. hmmm...

so today i accomplished things. i rose before noon (thank you kitties) and left the house before noon and spent dollars before noon. i went to lowe's and bought a showerhead, and i'll be damned if that's not the easiest fucking thing to install. the new one is wonderfuckingful. the old one was nice... at first. it was sort of a sharp sprayer - one of those ones that loofahs off all your dead skin. and then on day two, when you don't have any skin left, it starts to sort of hurt. so i wasn't going to take it anymore. so i went lowe's and bought a new one. and brought it home and took a shower in the rain, because that's why i bought it, apparently it feels similar to showering in the rain. except i'm not outside and it's not really rain and i wouldn't really know what that feels like anyway. :)

i also went to best buy (hehehe...) and borders and target. it's dangerous to live in a city where such things are just available. because when you live an hour away, you plan a trip and decide if the things you think you need are really things you need. chances are, they're not, and you don't make the trip to the big city and you save yourself the gas and time and energy. now it's like, ooh, starbucks might still be open. and 100$ later i have a grande iced caramel macchiato and 94$ in dvds that i really like but didn't necessarily need.

i'm going to need a job.

clean up in aisle five. LOL. mason just barfed on the grand massa champ's bed. i cleaned it up, because it's my cat and i'm responsible for him. but if the grand massa champ tosses cookies too, i'm not in charge of clean up for that one. he's on his own. :) he shouldn't complain too much; it was solid at least and not that runny green shit he has been barfing. somebody brought houseplants into the house even though i strongly advised that anything leafy, green, and not kept in the crisper drawer of the fridge is just considered kitty salad no matter what height at which it is kept. so of course, kitties have been munching away and i've been cleaning up nasty green puke all week. neat-o-fun.

today i had a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich on toast. yummy. i really should just spread peanut butter and mayo on my ass and wait for it to dry but i prefer to take the indirect route with my fats. i was reading that elvis used to eat fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. yum...

so for now, i'm signing off. i'm accumulating a list of things to do in the morning, such as wash someone else's bed sheets. fucking cat.

peas out.

27 January 2007

how true is this?

ooh, you look like dinner...

something tells me this may not end well. for the fish, for the kitty, for the carpet, i'm not sure.

i can't think of a thing to say

it's because i haven't done a single thing today. i didn't get out bed until noon. i read books. i watched movies - i'm still watching movies. i ordered a pizza. and i'm currently sitting on the sofa, where i've been for at least four hours now, and i am enjoying every second of it. tomorrow, though, i have things to do.

janel's list of things to do on sunday, sunday, sunday...
  1. call my best gram
  2. wash my car
  3. go to lowes and buy a showerhead and light bulbs
  4. go to best buy :)
  5. scrub the kitchen floor
i put myself on the waiting list for cubs season tickets today. my current position is 32,251. i figure by the time i'm about 75, blind, deaf and fully unable to enjoy baseball in any shape or form, i'll make the top of the list and get my season tickets. yes. :)

26 January 2007

i wonder if you know what you're in for?

the sun is actually shining here today. i was beginning to think that never happened here. i wonder if i suffer from seasonal affective disorder? maybe i'm just a hypochondriac. maybe i should go tan. hmmm... so yesterday was a long day. drive, work, drive. i'm good at driving long distances and getting better every week. the drive is getting shorter - does that mean i'm getting used to it or i'm falling asleep in the middle of it? i'm not sure. but it doesn't seem to take as long as it used to. i could have stayed in the dutch village but i just didn't want to. i ate dinner with nigel and snackmaster bob and the chil'ens. they're adorable and funny and sweet but they're the absolute best form of birth control ever. nigel's little boy looks like a short little eminem but acts like the rain man, for reasons unknown he'll just yell out numbers, like 19. ha. no kids for me, not anytime soon. so today i'm going to go to the bank and do some homework and soak up some sunshine and maybe wash my car and get rid of all the fast food bags inside and go to the supermarket because i'm out of milk and i'm hungry for cheese. those are my big plans. i know - pretty exciting. i rock.

25 January 2007

when the moon is in the seventh house...

do you believe in astrology? my horoscope (i can type it, just not say it) has been eerily dead on lately. i'm generally not a huge believer in this stuff, but sometimes it just can't be ignored. like this is what it says for today:

who of us wouldn't love to feel in complete control of our lives? the reality
is, few of us ever feel this way. you did make a conscious decision to take
a certain path. are you pleased with where it is leading you? while it would
be great to be able to point to successes in life and clearly see the decisions
that caused them, life is not always so clear-cut. for the moment you will have
to trust in your subconscious...
yikes. how do they know? easy. horoscopes are obviously written by furbies, the omniscient little creatures of the late 90s. doesn't he look as though he knows my astrological future? we're looking at the grand wizard of all furbies. he's just a token representative; he may or may not actually write the daily horoscopes and he prolly doesn't answer the furby psychic hotline. he's just the president, not a client... :D for february, the furbies are predicting that i'm going to get robbed on the 15th by a sticky fingered family member and i'm supposed to battan down the hatches and hang on to my important stuff. i don't know what that means. is that literal or figurative? i guess if i wake up on 16feb and my shit's gone i'll know i should have listened to the furby. they know.

yesterday was laundry day. we went to the laundromat. it was not that exciting. but now i have clean clothes and i can start my 10-tshirt rotation over again. i was beginning to feel lost without my weezer shirts. i'd never been to a laundromat before; it wasn't as scary as i'd imagined. in fact, i was able to leave my clothes unattended and do other things. yay me. perhaps i'm not as ocd as i thought i was. hehehe...

i am so bored. i want to take a nap. peas out for now, lovelies.

tap tap, you're fucking dead... what the fuck?

last night, the gran massa champ convinced me that it was in my best interest to view the kill bill series. having not seen it before but knowing that it had received decent reviews, i was all for a mini-movie-marathon. what i was not prepared for was the biggest and stupidist anticlimactic ending of a lifetime. the movie just fucking stopped after she tap, tap, tapped bill in the chest, utilizing a super top double secret probation kung fu move. i have never in my life been so angry at a film, it was almost ridiculous. really. the first volume was interesting, comical - i enjoyed it. the second volume was over the top dialogue and information that had no bearing on the outcome in any way. seriously, i was so angry and so worked up i couldn't sleep last night. i was up until 0200 just swearing and for no good reason except that i'd just spent four hours of my life waiting for something spectacular when i could have been doing something productive. ugh. so, now when the gran massa champ says, 'this movie is so good' i'm going to know that he's a moron in the field of cinematography and i'm not going to listen to him. ever. again.

i'm at job #2 today. that's not even accurate anymore. this is job # only. so let me start over. i'm at job # only today. i had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to be here and after last night's events, i'm tired and hell and sort of crabby. plus my foot looks like hamburger and i'm a little grossed out by it. it's going to get better right? because right now it's not feeling like it's going to get better and it's certainly not looking as though its going to get better; it looks like the toes just going to explode and pop off. wouldn't that suck?

do you remember those commercials for vaseline intensive care lotion with the group of women sitting in a circle scratching the word dry into the arms? this was on when i was a child, so it's not anything recent you're going to find on we. that commercial is like burned into my brain and i don't know why. i used to see if i could scratch words into my skin. vaseline intensive care lotion is prolly soley responsible for a generation of kids my age growing up to be self harmers and cutters. anyhoo, the reason i bring this up is because it is soooo dry in my house the skin on my hands is just chunking up and falling off and it's sort of gross. i've tried hemp lotion and banana lotion and lotion lotion and body butter and nothing is working and my hands sort of hurt and they're looking a little grody. ugh. you'd think all the fishtanks would help the humidity level but it doesn't seem to be working this way.

fish update: roger and adolf are well. they eat like piggies and they love, love, love oranges.

okay. that's all i have for now. i just really had to get that kill bill shit out of my system.

peas out. love, superfreakinhatesthesupertopsecretfivefingerkungfumovejanel

23 January 2007

i'm down to eight functioning toes

isn't that gross? it hurts like a mother. it hurts to walk, to stand, to sit - i'm in pain. so today i go to the hospital. i'm thinking that i can get into like an urgent care type thing. as it turns out, here in dbq, they have "convenient" care, available between the hours of 1600 and 2300. those hours are not convenient for me or my toe. so i went to the emergency room with a stubbed fucking toe. it's going to cost me 700$ when i'm all said and done and the remedy was not a cast, nothing spectacular - they taped the fat bastard to the toe next to it. i didn't even get any pain medication; the doctor wouldn't give it to me. i am not satisified with my first hospital experience in this city. i will not be returning to that hospital. give me drugs! give me something to take my mind off the pain! give me a shot! (not that kind of shot.) something. anything. nope. i got a piece of gauze, a piece of tape and the doc's best wishes and his advice: "try not to stub your toe." he's a goddamn genius, gump. gah.

lets talk about school. school is... is stupid too harsh a word? i have two classes. one with a pompous ass of a prof and another with an instructor that wears high water pants with knee high boots. i don't know what kind of fashion statement that is but i don't agree with it. the classes shouldn't be that challenging; they generally aren't. i'm good at school. i'm generally too good for my own good. the challenge will be going and attending and paying attention and staying awake. but until they let me teach the fucking class i will have this internal argument with the institution of higher education (not necessarily the university of dbq but the idea behind higher education in general).

what else can i rant about? i had a conversation with eddy the other day. it left me with mixed emotions. i cried after i got off the phone with him - i miss him. i miss the conversations we used to have. he was my best friend, or i thought he was my best friend, for a long time. it's hard for me to shut that off and pretend it never existed. i guess some people can do that. i don't know how. i guess i just wonder if this is really how it was all supposed to end up, you know? i wonder if i somehow expedited the inevitable or if i'd just kept quiet things would have been okay someday. i'll never know and it's dumb to waste the time wondering, but the thoughts do cross my mind from time to time. it's just sort of a sad situation for all. so after i cried, and it was an ugly, snotty, red-eyed cry, i picked myself up and went off to school. and then i bought myself i big bottle of grey goose and a jug of cranberry juice and drank myself into oblivion. i wasn't feeling a thing until i stubbed my fucking toe. i realize that a stiff drink isn't the best way to resolve that issue but it was the best one i could come with at the time. and today it doesn't hurt as bad. or maybe i'm just not thinking about it. hmmm...

tomorrow i have things to do. laundry is at the top of my list. i also have to check on my student loans and see if i will have dollars this weekend, that would be nice. i need to get my oil changed; uugof is getting desperate. i'm beginning to get mail at my new address - that's a nice feeling. i love getting mail, it makes me happy.

okay. i don't know if i'm going to go to bed or play ps2, but i'm going to go do something. i'm tired of writing for now.

peas out.

if you don't chew big red then fuck you

now i know that drinking until i'm stupid is hereditary. i feel better about my ignorance. omg, my fucking toe hurts. i look like i have a sausage attached to my foot where my pinky toe used to be. i'd take a picture but i can't find my camera and there's cheese all over the floor. there was cheese in my hair. gross.

this is my new favorite daily show clip...

i'm hungry. more later.

all we have left is a one pound block of provolone

i would show you the cheese fight but you tube says no. i think have a broken toe. that rhymes. i'm going to bizzed. gnite.

peas out.

22 January 2007

hiking is just walking where its okay to pee

are you depressed yet?
ugh. according to msn health, today is the most depressing day of the year. all the more reason to stay in bed where it's warm. it's not that cold in the house, it's just not as warm as my bed. i love my bed. it's big and comfy and soft and covered in blankets and pillows and it's just awesome. i had two really awesome pillows to go with my bed, but one is out on loan. for some reason, i don't think i'll ever see it again. i will collect on that someday.

i miss my job. i'm bored as hell with nothing to do and in a few weeks i'm going to be feeling the repercussions of this small "vacation" when i don't have any dollars to pay rent. (readers, feel free to fill the tip jar. i'll even hand make thank you cards with construction paper and markers.) i never thought i'd miss a job; that's so out of character for me. how bizaare. but true. i actually liked my job, i loved the people i worked with - all except a select few i guess.

i talked to mrs robinson last night. we're still planning a trip to cancun sometime soon. it needs to be sooner rather than later because i'm going to lose my flight benefits here pretty quick when my work paperwork gets all processed. that's one downfall to this leave thing that i'm on. the gran massa champ seems to think that i can just call sue and say 'i want to go to cun for a four day drunken fuck fest' and she'll just approve that. i tend to think otherwise. anyway. mrs robinson is in hpn for tdy and she's drinking up a storm and i'm jealous. it sounds like fun. she says all the pax are botoxed to the hilt and wearing fur and that makes me laugh. botoxed, fur wearing uppity women that look perpetually surprised flying eagle. nice. :D

today is best gram's surgery. i called and talked to her last night. she didn't want to talk about it, she wanted to talk about me instead. i think she was anxious about it but she never really said so. i know she just wants it to be over. the entire clan (and i do mean clan; i think there's like 10 or 12 people at the hospital) is in the waiting room right now. she goes in at noon. i'm going to call momma in a few minutos and check in. i'm nervous for her.

so me and nigel talked this morning. i was having an issue with ... life? she cracks me up. only a truly wonderful friend would offer to drive four hours with a roll of 'date' tape and a stack of pornos. i love her more than words can describe, she's the bestest. she wants to go drunken sledding this weekend. that could be fun. :)

okay. there has to be something more productive i can be doing.

peas out.

21 January 2007

at least i have hair

look. my kitty is making friends. isn't that cute? mason hates all people. but maybe not all people. this is very odd behavior. is the apocolypse upon us?

i heart ziti

i make kick-ass ziti.

this monkey's gone to heaven

snow. snow. snow. ugh. where was this crap during the holidays? what i wouldn't give for 50 degrees and sunshine right now cuz i'm freezing my (conclave) ass off and i'm none too happy about it. grrr...

so. yesterday. i drove four hours; worked six and a half hours and then drove four more hours. i stopped in pizzella on my way home to get my mail and that box that i left in my old apartment so i could put it in my cute little red door storage unit, right? wrong. lo and behold, my landlords changed the lock and stole my mail. i think they're holding it hostage for dollars. too bad, so sad, get in line suckas. my dad was like, 'you be sure and tell them that it's a federal offense to hold someone else's mail and that you'll press charges and blah blah blah...' that's a completely appropriate father response, at least it is from my father. he wants to sue everyone. i kid you not. litigation is the end all, be all, answer to everything for him. and he's prolly right. but i don't think that's the answer. yet. so i'll be on the phone with the dutch village in the morning making arrangements and stuff. yes, i know, i owe them money. but come on - isn't changing the locks just a little bit dramatic at this point? it's not like i vandalized the place and threw live animals off the balcony all rock-star-ish, right?

so i got home last night and there was water on the floor in front of roger and adolf's new home. at first i thought they had perhaps sprung a leak. upon further inspection i see that the kitties are just highly interested in the fishies, and not in a 'hi-let's-chat-and-get-to-know-each-other' kind of way. it's more of a 'you-look-like-lunch-get-in-my-belly' kind of conversation they seem to be having. it would be comical if they weren't my fish and i weren't already emotionally attached to them. would you like to see them? they're cute.

here fishy, fishy...that's roger on the top and adolf on the bottom. they don't stay still for very long so it's sort of hard to get a picture of them. i think if they're still for too long it's sort of a bad thing.

but anyway. i'm going to finish this football game and then maybe go look for some pans and stuff. i hate unpacking other people's shit but i'm the only one home and i'm making ziti tonight. yum. i heart ziti.

peas out.

19 January 2007

your mom looked me up on myspace

today was... better. i had some time to myself, which actually was a good thing. i got shit done. i got shit unpacked and off the floor. and as soon as i get this asston boxes off the floor and out of the way, i'm going to feel a lot better. unfortunately, even though the asston of boxes in the house is nearly unpacked, there is another asston of boxes in the garage waiting to come in. but very little of it is mine, hehehe...

we returned the moving truck today to a man with a solid 15 inches. we all want 15 inches and he was quite proud of it. we went to the casino and i won 100$ and instead of taking it home and sticking it in my crawlspace i took it to petsmart and bought a fishtank. i know, wtf? i'm sort of thinking the same thing. so now i have two fat goldfish with head tumors named roger and adolf. roger is stupid and sleeps upside down and adolf has a cute little german moustache. (it may or may not smell like cabbage.) as soon as i can get them to sit still and pose for a picture, i'll get it posted. :)

tomorrow i have to go to job #2 and work. and then i'm driving home. we're in some sort of winter weather advisory and i'd rather be home than away. that's going to upset the family because we're supposed to be having a dinner for gram on sunday as she's having surgery on monday, she has clogged arteries in her legs. the surgery should be okay; it's the anesthesia that has everyone worried.

actually, job #2 is pretty much job #1 now. i got my educational leave of absence from eagle; i'm just waiting for the paperwork to be processed. that means that i have up to four years on leave and i get to retain my seniority. i'm happy about it. i love my job with eagle and if i want/need i can go back. that's a nice feeling. but anyway, as i said job #2 is pretty much my single source of income right now, at least until i get my school money next week. and then i'm going to ration myself for awhile until i figure out what i want to do. i don't really know what i want to do. maybe i'll go work at blockbuster. it's good to have goals.

we plugged in the tv today. the cable is hooked up. i can finally watch the weather channel and csi again. i'm feeling whole. i'm feeling like me. i feel better. i feel good.

and with that, i'm going to bed.


18 January 2007

is it behind the sofa in the kitchen?

OMG. the next time i say i want to move, someone just fucking shoot me. really. this should not be this painful. and i'm not even talking about boxes or heavy furniture. (and that shit hurts and i'll talk about that in a moment.) holy shit. really. whomever thought it would be a good idea to put two indecisive and incompetent drama queens in a house on the other side of a river needs a fucking lobotomy. i'm not saying indecisive and incompetent in a bad way; i'm saying it in an interesting, don't ever leave anything on the kitchen counter you don't want the world to know about kind of way. because we both talk way too much and we both have camera phones. omg.

so. i don't even know where to begin. in fact, some of it has been so traumatic i don't even want to talk about it. this morning i woke up and i just had a serious 'what the fuck am i doing?' moment except that i didn't really want to talk to anyone about it because i know that this is the bed that i've made and i have to lie in it. there comes a point where you wonder if you're just compounding mistake on top of mistake and you're not sure where one stops and another begins and what is right and what is wrong. i'm at that point. in theory, this is a good idea. change is good for me. but the reality of the situation is that i'm running away from unresolved issues and emotions and every now and then i just catch myself crying for no good reason except that the gran massa champ points and says cry and i just do. like right now. and then i can't stop.

and i really don't want to talk about it. i don't know what to say and nothing will really fix it. i know i've messed up. i just have to find a path that's going to lead to something good. and peaceful. i'm tired of the stress and drama and ongoing saga that has become my life. i don't want to be like this. i'm better than this. but i keep resorting back to this.

some days i wake up and i can hardly bear to get out of bed, i want to lie and fester in my own misery. but i know that if i don't get up, one day will turn into two and two into three and three into a week and a week into a month and a month into a year and a year into a lifetime and instead of thirty minus four i'll be dead. that's how much i can't stand what i've created for myself sometimes. so i get up. and i make myself cute and i smile and pretend that what i'm feeling on the inside isn't real and if i don't think about it, it doesn't exist. until i do something big and serious like move three hours away from everyone i know and i don't have anything to do but think (and drive people around). so instead, i try to be happy with small things. like my cats. and milk in glass bottles. and peach margaritas and misting fans and dark chocolate candy bars and lip gloss and new notebooks and pencils and sales at american eagle (the store, not the airline). because sometimes that's all i have to be happy about. or at least all that comes to mind sometimes.

but the point of this is not to wallow in being sad. i guess we can all tell i'm good at that. (if you haven't picked up on that just yet, call me. we can talk.) i just need to find my path, my way, my road. i just don't know if it's here. it's prolly too soon to tell, and honestly, today of all days is not the day to be making decisions such as that anyway. my mood swings like a giant pendulum and i fear for the safety of those around me. i'm up, i'm down, i'm drunk, i'm sober. i will say that if nothing else, this will be an educational experience, not necessarily courtesy of the university of dbq.

so for right now, i'm going to go to the kitchen and sit on my sofa, which is upside down and cushion-less and eat some ice cream. it's not pella ice cream company ice cream, but it's ice cream. and i'm going to survey the damage and try to figure out how to put my life in order one small piece at a time, starting with the silverware.

peas out.

ps. hi mom. i miss you.

16 January 2007

everybody just stay calm

ahh. now that i have a few seconds, do let us sit back with our morning tea and scones and reflect on the day that was yesterday and the nightmare that is going to be today and tomorrow. cuz boys and girls, it's going to get ugly. i just have a bad feeling... but maybe it's just indigestion. i hope. so anyway. yeah. whatever. i forgot to tell you that the teapot and plates are packed and the scones are really poptarts. i'm drinking milk from the container and i can't find any napkins. doesn't this sound like fun?


so as long as i have your attention, can i tell you about my night/morning?

exhibit one. take a look at the first two photos. the top photo is how i would like to spend my morning. hot tea, flowers, blueberry scones, a good book and morning spent in bed. *sigh* however, as you can tell from exhibit two, this is how my morning is being spent. milk from the jug, pop tarts and inquisitive cats. this is mason. he approves of my breakfast, in case you were wondering. and yes, he's on the kitchen counter. he's bigger and stronger than i am and i'm tired of fighting with him about where he can and cannot stand and i will not have this argument with you so shut the hell up.

i busted ass last night (and again, that busted word. i'm still not sure of the proper usage there but i like the redneck way it sounds.) and packed the holy shitzky out of this place. the closets are empty, all the books are packed. the only things left are random soap bottles and shampoo and shower curtains and kitty toys. i'm pretty proud of myself, as far as this is concerned. i have thrown away so much crap - i can't even begin to tell you. really. i should have done that a long, long time ago. it would have made the last move soooo much easier. i've decided i'm going to be done with sentimentality. it gets heavy, literally and metaphorically. i'm going to strive to be one of those people who has few personal belongings, you know? one of those people who can just pack up and go. those people prolly don't have cats though. or 200 dvds or a trash bag full of (clean) underwear. hell. i just set this goal and i'm failing already. gahh.

but on with the show. will the jury please look at exhibit two. this is the janel's empty closet. just 12 hours ago, this closet was overflowing with shit. well, not literally shit, but close. i have an abnormally large number of sweaters (that are almost all the same color/style) and sweatshirts and t-shirts. the hanger bar was sagging and on the floor was a gigantic pile of shoes and underwear. now, as you can see, there is nothing. (that's mischa leaving the closet. it has passed her inspection.) almost all of this is now in my car. that picture will be posted later. but for now, guess what the janel is living out of currently. yup, it's that poor green suitcase. again. that poor green suitcase that's been everywhere, lost and beaten up by countless airlines, at one point filled with shampoo. yup, that's my closet now. isn't that awesome? i'm so excited.

want to see more? i've got more.

this is my dining room. if you look close, you'll see my bookshelf, my vacuum cleaner, some books, a clock, a whole lot of boxes and some toilet paper. if you follow the superjanel's blog on a regular basis, you're thinking the same thing i am: "does that guy ever leave the bathroom? what's he living off of hot pockets?" lol. to the left of the toilet paper in the photo, but you can barely see it, is the printer. i decided to move it rather than throw it off the balcony. i don't believe in littering. today.

this is my poor, sad, empty refrigerator. i have some soda, which doesn't taste very good. i have some cheese (yay!) and some fruit (that's spoiling as we speak) and some pineapple (which in it's plastic containers has a nuclear half-life and will never spoil) and some pickles. there are also jalapenos and some chocolate. i guess that's some sort of meal. there is also a bottle of bailey's which i have pondered heavily in the last few days as my friends test my patience. i have a ton of liquor in this place. it's a wonder i'm not an alcoholic. no, seriously.

this last picture? this is me. i was delirious at this moment. i don't know. check out the pocahontas braids. that's hot. and i went out in public like that. nice.

so you may be wondering, superjanel, with all this going on, why are you sitting at home now, blogging and sharing these wonderful photos? ha. well, in fact i've been asking myself this same question for about an hour now. i was up at the ass crack of dawn, which for me rolls around at about 0730. me and the gran massa champ had planned on leaving our respective posts at 0830 and meeting at a preselected spot on the interstate so he could lead me to my new home which i cannot find. except that after i'm cleaned up and after i've been outside and after i've started to pack up my car (which technically i started to do last night at about 1am), he started texting crazy things about boobs and fish with wings and i don't know what else. apparently the first day of school is the day of school to miss and he's going to take some time to pack, which he should have been doing last night but instead his cartman shaped ass was playing warden of the world or some shit like that. ugh. frustrated? yes. homicidal? no. drunk? i wish. and it's only 0940. this is going to be a great day. i just wanted to share my morning with you.

i hope you got tea and scones for breakfast. my poptarts were phenomenal.

i am so tired

it's almost all packed. except for what i need in the next couple days, it's all packed. i'm exhausted. tomorrow i'm driving to dbq, giving the new landlord some dollars in exchange for a key, unpacking the stuff i've taken up there, going to class, and driving back to the dutch village. except that the gran massa champ is along for the ride and somewhat complicates things in that i detour to dsm before i come back to pella tomorrow night. it's going to make for a long, long day. but just a couple more days like this and then i'm done. i swear, thursday, i am not leaving my bed. at all. for anything. except maybe the bathroom. but we can talk about that later. because right now i'm going to bed.

14 January 2007

historically, this should be an all-nighter

this is school-eve-eve. when i was still in school, and even up into high school, i would stay up all night on school-eve-eve because on school-eve i would be so freakin nervous i wouldn't be able to sleep at all. but staying up all night on school-eve-eve meant that i would not only sleep all night school-eve but i'd generally oversleep on the first day of school and even yawn all day. in high school libbeth and i used to stay up all night and listen to her mom swear and threaten bodily harm. she once made us get up and wax her car in the middle of the night in an effort to shut us up. she was weird. anyway. i was a really uptight child, very nervous, very anxious. i used to cry if i thought i was awake too late because i didn't think i could get through the next day being tired and i was always afraid that i was the only person in the world that was still awake. i used to cry all the time. wtf? i still cry a lot. but now i don't care if i don't get any sleep at night. i just take a pill. and if that doesn't work, i'll just take another. :D but the point of this is that it's school-eve-eve. meaning that tomorrow night is school-eve and that they day after that is school. yikes.

i'm really good at school. but i'm really bad at going to school. attendance in anything has never been my strong point, you know? this is going to sound conceited but i don't really care because this is my fucking blog, but i haven't ever cared about attendance because i know i can pass, score very well, bullshit my way through whatever better than the average person. doesn't that sound awful? yeah, i know. i don't care. you don't like it, don't read it. i don't think i'm better than everyone else, i know i'm better than everyone else. riiight... anyway, i was discussing attendance because that's really my only weakness. i have really good intentions, like i'll get up one day and plan on going somewhere and then i'll get all distracted by whatever (perkins, the today show, messenger, whatever) and not make it anywhere. or i'll make it where ever i'm going but i'll be way late. i'm not a very timely person. but the people that know me are aware of this and love me in spite of it.

i didn't do a single thing this afternoon. it was awesome. i think i napped, because i started watching a movie and i looked up and it wasn't on anymore. i surfed online for awhile and updated my blog and flickr and my myspace. i played with the kitties and drank milk (which really does taste better out of a glass bottle but what's with the 1.50$ deposit?) and ate bread and watched the snow come down. it's snowing a lot. there's some ice down there too. awesome. i went to the little storage unit today and about fell on my head when i got out of the car. i was going to make brownies but that didn't go far because i packed all my pans. so i ate some brownie mix and got a little sick and threw 94 percent of it away. ick. napoleon dynamite was on comedy central and then some semi-cute comedian and then a couple hours of south park... i am so bored but i just can't bring myself to pack right now.

but the next week will be busy:
mondizzay: send that big ass box to ft dodge. pack kitchen stuff. take to storage unit. pack dresser. take to storage unit. go to the big city. make a bank deposit.
tuesdizzay: assemble a crew of saintly family members/friends to assist in packing/moving on wednesdizzay. pack up uugof with clothes and shoes and shit and drive to dbq to my house which i cannot find. pay landlord a deposit which i hope does not bounce. get a key. unpack clothes and shoes and shit. go to school. drive home.
wednesdizzay: get up early. complain about how tired i am. pack heavy things in a truck of make/model yet to be determined. load uugof with kitties and breakables. lead the convoy to dbq. unpack. put sheets on bed. crash.
thursdizzay: [still asleep]
fridizzay: wake up. drink some milk. feed the kitties. take a shower. get a job. homework.
saturdizzay: do i have to work this dizzay? i'm not sure.
sundizzay: family dinner?

ugh. that makes me tired just thinking about it. i'm going to think about going to bed now. g'nite.

i say bring it on. i'm ready for you.

again, i'm baffled by the amount of shit i possess. i don't know where it came from. i am a shit magnet. i must be. it's attracted to me. it follows me home and tucks itself in my closets without my knowledge because when it comes time to move i am always shocked at the amount of shit i have accumulated. so today i took more crap to the storage unit which is large enough to dwarf the stuff inside - it doesn't look like much but it is. so what's left to pack? my dishes, which are going into storage; my books, which are going to dbq; my clothes, which are going with me; and my furniture, of which some is going and some is staying.

ugh. have i mentioned i hate moving?

so in preparation of the giant winter storm headed this direction, i went to the supermarket. i bought milk (yay!) and bread and cheese! i'm so excited! i haven't been grocery shopping in weeks. i think the rest of my day will consist of napping with the kitties, watching the weather channel and maybe packing some boxes. i'm not sure. i also have some new movies to watch and i'd like to play some playstation later, but i don't want to wear myself out. :D

they're creepy and they're kooky...

ahhh, dinner with the fam. always a good time. nothing like putting a new friend on display. no, really it wasn't bad. and i don't think the gran massa champ was all that uncomfortable. he found out the lunacy is definitely hereditary and it's not completely my fault. yay me. and just for the record, i drank raspberry iced tea and actively participated in the conversation, which never turned to the janel's body art. rock on.

so. fuck mother nature. she's a fucking cow. i was all prepared, as prepared as i ever am, to move tomorrow and now it's snowing and sleeting and crap and now i don't know when i'm moving. this sucks. but i do love the weather channel. i wish life could be as dependable as the weather channel and my weather on the 8s. but seriously, weather watches, advisories and warnings, i just love it. i think i missed my calling. i love maps with all those little colored boxes on them, it just makes me happy. i want to say words like 'thundersleet' - doesn't that just rock? and all morning, or at least the last 20 minutes that i've been awake, they've been talking about iowa and our ice and our terrible weather and i'm just all captivated because it's weather, you know? i'm such a retard. i just wish jim cantore was covering this local winter weather disaster, i'd drive to wherever he was just to say hello and bat my eyelashes, he's the coolest.

so today, in spite of the weather and the fact that only one of my windshield wipers is currently working, i'm going to haul shit to my cute little red door storage unit because the more that i put in storage the less i have to carry hours away to my new home that i cannot find.

more to come later. i'm busy.

13 January 2007

i got some grief with my moola. what's up with that?

i'm coming over there with a weed eater and some cool whip

ugh. i can't wait for the day when i can buy milk again. because i'm getting really freakin sick of poptarts. and it's not like i don't currently have a refrigerator or anything, it's just that i can't commit to drinking an entire gallon of milk right now. i can't commit to anything right now. like moving - am i moving on monday or wednesday? how about tuesday? and why is it when i google my new address nothing comes up?? i can't move, i don't know where i live. i don't know how to get there. that's sort of an issue. i don't really even remember what this house looks like, except that it has a garage (yay!) and it looks as though an armadillo exploded in the winter closet. but since i can't see that from the outside of the house it won't help me find it initially. hmmm...

all i want is some cocoa puffs! arrghh!

so what else is new? my toe still really hurts. i've bored everyone i know with my toe saga. i can't find anyone else that wants to talk about it. i'd post a picture of it but i can't find my camera. i don't know if i've packed it or lost it or what and for some reason my cell phone will take pictures but it won't send them anywhere. i don't know what's up with that.

and speaking of cell phones, i went over on my cell phone minutes last month. for the second month in a row. i have a gazillion minutes and i used a gazillion and 12 minutes last month. who am i talking to? and what am i talking about? what's so freaking important? and why aren't these people calling me so we can use their minutes? i'm going to get one of those minute managers like on tv, with the bullhorn, you know? or the guy who makes the christmas calls, 'happy holidays from the harrisons' CLICK. that cracked me up.

oh, it's sleeting in dfw and in stl. it's a wonderful day to not be at the airport. :D it's sleeting here too, but i have all-wheel drive which does not allow me to drive 90 miles an hour but does allow me to drive by all those idiots stuck in the ditch. hehehehe... i heart uugof. he's the shiznit. he's a little dirty at the moment but it's too icky to wash him. i'm sad to be leaving my alltime favorite car wash in pleasant hill, it even washes my wheels and uses soap that's three different colors and smells like bubble gum and tang, it's like aromatherapy for your car. i leave there and i just feel wonderful, which is good because when i drive in i feel like holy hell because i just spent 10$ on a fucking car wash and i'm a tad bit suicidal.

tonight is dindin with the fam and the gran massa champ. i'm just going to sit back and drink and see what happens. i figure the best way for this to play out is the darwin's theory of natural selection: the strongest will survive. at least mom already knows about my tattoos so he won't be privvy to that argument. hehehe... mom, i'm just kidding. i will participate in conversation and i'm not at all embarassed to introduce my friends to you. you're just as weird as i am. i know where it came from. :D

okay. i'm being pressured to work now. i don't know what that's all about. just because i sit at this desk doesn't mean that i know what i'm doing. gosh.

peas out.

love, superfreakinlovelyjanel

12 January 2007

how to tell if you have good friends.

  • they will offer to let you sleep on their sofa.
  • they will offer to let you sleep on their sofa two nights a week for the rest of your eagle career.
  • they'll take your pathetic ass to perkins and let you eat pancakes and steal cookies.
  • they'll drive you around when you're not able.
  • they'll educate you on time zones so you can plan out your drunk dialing episodes.
  • they put the trash can next to the bed and offer to hold your hair.
  • they let you cry.
  • they hate your ex too.
  • they change the last couple numbers of your digits when weird guys ask for your number.

i have awesome friends.

at least my toe's not bleeding anymore.

what a fucking day. today i sought closure. i got nothing. i still don't know if i'm employed, if i'm on leave, if i'm among the dregs of the earth, longing to collect state aid and searching for work. my boss, the dragon lady, is a weak piece of shit. and if i ever find myself with her in a dark alley with a sharp object (or even a dull one, i'm not picky) i'm going to bludgeon her to death. or if she falls off a curb in front of my car, she's out of luck. i don't brake for ineffective managers. ugh. i'm off now until the middle of next week, at least, and i'm going to work on this educational leave thing. if not, i'm done. i think i said this yesterday and i was so frustrated today i almost took my keys and stuck them in between her eyes and told her i was finished (except she snuck out the side door and called me from her cell phone to tell me she was no longer in the building). so i'm going to take some time, calm down and see what happens. gahh.

but the day didn't start off well. the landlord-to-be called to tell me that her fax machine ate all the pages with my name on them so they would need to be refaxed. not an issue, as i was at home with my 47-in-one print-scan-fax-blend-wash-dry-iron-sweep-microwave-400-pound machine at my disposal. so i haul it out of the bedroom and set it up on the breakfast bar so i can plug it in to the phone jack in the kitchen. this thing has 14 cords and they're all 27 feet long so already you know this isn't going to be good. and it does weigh 400 pounds. so i walk around to get it all plugged in, wrap the cord around my foot and pull the entire piece of shit down on my big toe.

my big toe basically explodes. it's all bloody. the printer is making this weird "ehhhhhh, ehhhhhhh, ehhhhhhhh" noise because while my toe has broken it's fall, the power cord has broken off inside the little hole in the back. nice, right? it's fucking great. so i'm bleeding all over the place, trying really hard not to bleed on the shit i need to fax to the landlord-to-be when i hear this awful hairball-yakking sound from the bedroom. the cat is barfing. everywhere. i mean, my toe is really gross looking and i wanted to vomit too, but come on. this is getting ridiculous. so i'm bleeding. the cat's barfing. nothing is being faxed. the phone's ringing. my mom wants to talk about cheap impalas and i'm trying to fish the broken pieces of this power cord out of the hole in the back of my printer with my 50$ tweezerman tweezers when my tweezers spring.

come on. how much worse can this day get? let's review: big fucking bloody toe. big fucking bloody broken printer. bloody carpet. vomiting cat. sprung 50$ tweezers. unibrow. shoes that go squish, squish, squish because i threw away all my bandaids in a fit of rage because my friends can't stay out of my medicine cabinet. (you know you were snooping!)

and to top it all off, i still don't know if i'm (un)employed. holy hell.

there were some good things though. once the papers were faxed, landlord-to-be called and she's now our landlord. we got the house. yay! we have a garage (with no opener but the gran massa champ seems to think he can install that... lol) and i have two bedrooms. i also sold two more longaberger baskets today. i went out tonight with pals and didn't get completely inebriated for once but instead held a nice buzz. i love my friends. i love them so much i think i may come back down next wednesday night just to see them. :) i met bob's girlfriend, she's the sweetest thing ever. i think i'm going to go home to acapulco with ernie in march. i'm going to have to start saving my dollars. or get a job or something. i got to touch shane's butt and that was really nice. if it weren't completely unsanitary i'd restrain from washing my hand for a while. *sigh*

so i have to be at work in c-town in about six hours or so. i think i may see if i can push that back. i'm going to be tired. i'm tired right now.

peas out.

10 January 2007

just when i thought i was out, they pull me back in

i'm watching the sopranos on a&e. it's not quite the same. it's like watching that madtv where they put the sopranos on pax. watch...

anyway. so today could have been my second-to-last day at work, i'm not sure. nothing quite like pushing it right down to the wire, eh? i talked to my boss one week ago today, told her i wanted to transfer or take an educational leave of absence or something. i told her i didn't want to leave the company, that i love my job. she said she'd look into it, make some calls and get the ball rolling. as of today, she hasn't spoken to one single manager, hasn't talked to hr, hasn't done jack. two days ago, we discussed the idea of working a couple of days a week, a couple of long days - weekend days, even. that's fine. just make it consistent. make it something i can plan my week around, right? except today two days a week turns into 'we'll schedule you four to five days and you're responsible for cs-ing your extra days off.' i don't think i like that idea much. it's just too far to drive four or five days a week. so tomorrow i'm giving an ultimatum: work with my schedule or let me have my leave of absence or i'm quitting.

here's how i think the conversation should go:
superjanel: dragon lady, these are your options. one, weekend baggage bitch. two, loa. three, i quit. what's it going to be, lady?
dragon lady: oh, superjanel, i love you. i've never had such a wonderful baggage bitch, i can't bear to let you go. do you want to work three days a week or two?
superjanel: i'd prefer to work two. but since that's such a reduction in hours, i'm going to need a raise, you know, to make up for the money i'm not making.
dragon lady: i planned on that already. in fact, i already wrote that into the budget. i have a superjanel fund set aside for you to withdraw from whenever you want. when it runs out, you just let me know.
superjanel: okay, great. now about my hours. are we talking 10-hour days, 12-hour days, what?
dragon lady: well, i don't want you to work too hard, what with school and all. why don't we just schedule you for six-hour days? oh, even better yet, why don't you just work from home? we'll figure out a way for you to work from home. you don't ever have to come in or drive from dbq to dsm. you just concentrate on school. that's the most important thing right now.
that's nice of you. thanks. just a couple more things...
dragon lady: anything. we don't want to lose you. we need you!
superjanel: first of all, i'd like you to fire marty jones. he's a worthless piece of shit.
dragon lady: done! anything to keep you!
superjanel: and second, i have a friend that used to work here. can you make him eligible for rehire? i hear that's a pretty easy process for you...
dragon lady: of course, consider it done. oh superjanel, i'm so glad we had this talk!
superjanel: yeah, whatever. can i tl?
dragon lady: please do so. i'm not worthy!

however, the real conversation will prolly go much differently...
superjanel: dragon lady, this is what's up. i'm not digging this set up. this is what i need: two days a week, leave or quit.
dragon lady: you'll be eligible for rehire but i'm going to need your keys and your parking pass.

so. i'll know more tomorrow. thursday night's celebration could be a congratulations, you're still employed party or a sorry you didn't get to stay party. either way, i've decided i'm not going to stress. for a couple of different reasons. one, it's a job. but i will be eligible for rehire if i quit. and while a leave of absence does require a fulltime student status, which severely interferes with our housing situation (only one fulltime student), maybe a little fanagling can be arranged after the landlord checks with the school and so on and so forth... blah blah blah... it's all in the details and frankly i'm sick of dicking with it. two, it's a job that pays shit money and provides plenty of stress. i can go work at target and make the same money and have zero responsibility. instead of people yelling at me about their stupid lost bags they'll be yelling at me to find out if this crock pot comes in silver. bfd. jobs are jobs are jobs.

it's supposed to snow this weekend. like a lot. like 12 inches a lot. which is appropriate, as i sort of wanted to move this weekend. nice. but as it turns out, the gran massa champ had too much homework to accomplish in two days time and our application to the landlord just got faxed this morning. she was shitty to me on the phone and i even tried to bribe her with money (deposit money). she was all, this is my day off and the corporate office is closed for 10 days and this takes a long time and blah blah blah which was a nice way of saying what the fuck took you so long, you wanker? she eventually kind of came around and said that she'd try to work on it, knowing that school starts next week and we don't have anywhere to go.

ugh. gary, my ulcer/tapeworm is acting up. i'm kind of tired. maybe i'll go to bed. maybe i'll watch some tv. i'm bored.

08 January 2007

you're not on every whisper, you're not on every corner

people are strange. things that i think are easy to do and easy to say other people can't do. but having said that, let me add that it's easy to see other people's mistakes and missteps rather than your own. i can see when someone is hurting but it's easier to be in denial and i know what that's like. but it's not worth the wasted time and energy to convince yourself that the obvious is not that. but everybody learns in their own way, in their own time, i can't adjust the learning curve or the outcome. i just hope i'm wrong.

07 January 2007

she's got electric boots and a mohair suit

sometimes things work out nicely. like nigel and snackmaster bob and the table. they love it. and i love dollars. it's just ironic that bobby of all people would be the one to carry it back down the stairs after swearing just four months ago that the only way he'd take that table back down is if he could throw it off the balcony. i guess things look a little different when you're talking about your table.

i really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. ugh. i'm good at being on vacation, even though i didn't really go anywhere.

i'm not tired. i can't sleep. i read a book tonight. a lot of build up for a wishy-washy ending. that's four hours i'll never get back. how disappointing. i guess i could be packing boxes, i haven't accomplished much of that lately. i'm not sure what i want to take and what i want to leave. i like the idea of just leaving it all. everything. only taking my cats and my clothes but something tells me i can't do that. i don't think i'm going to end up selling the entertainment center and that's okay because the television is so fucking heavy i'm going to need it. winter room or summer room? i don't know. still need to get a baseball bat. i still have a lot to do and thinking about it just depresses the hell out of me. gahhh.

i have discovered, though, that stress is a fantastic way to lose weight. i've lost seven pounds mostly due to the fact that there is no food here. and i'm not hungry because i think have an ulcer. a giant nasty stress-induced ulcer. maybe it's a tapeworm. hmmm. either way, i'm going to name it gary. my ulcer/tapeworm, gary. he's a friendly fellow.

i'm going to try sleeping again.

my fake plastic love

ugh. i'm not well today. i'm sort of wishing i'd hung on to that common sense last night because i think i was moderately out of control. i'm paying homage to the white porcelain god today for my ignorance yesterday. but it was fun while it lasted. i've been good. i deserve a retard badge every once in a while, right?

so. i'm not one to kiss and tell, and frankly, i couldn't tell you even if i wanted to, but here are the highlights. i got new jacket. i got a stalker. i got free drinks. i got some poor girl beat up. i think i broke up some couple or at the very least got them into a big fight. i danced for hours. cranberry and vodka, cherry bombs and i love pickle juice. i heard the line 'you have beautiful eyes' so many times i could puke. i saw whitney j, i haven't seen her in years and she no longer wants to beat my ass, that's nice. i made up for the new year, in fact i'm covered for the next four or five new years. i heard the cops were there as i was leaving and i'm not sure why but i was smart enough to know that my condition wouldn't earn me any brownie points and bob already said he wasn't bailing me out of jail. nigel and snackmaster bob took some other guy home and i was left to wander the parking lot looking for some guy's car when someone i knew found me and gave me a ride home. nigel was afraid she'd lost me for good, she left me like 14 voicemails in two minutes, and would have to explain that to my mom at work on monday. so how was your weekend? well, i lost your daughter. how was yours? hehehehe.... it was fun. but my head hurts and i prolly shouldn't have had a cheeseburger for lunch today; at least i should have picked off the pickles.

so. today i got my hair colored. it's dark. dark. dark. really. i like it. now i don't look pale and sickly i look pale and dramatic. it's a change. it's just hair. so i'm talking to courtney, the wonderful gal that does my hair, and we're discussing life and whatnot, and she's like, oh dear. and that's not something you want your stylist to say, ever. but she's like, you've got a grey. i freaked. seriously. i made her pull it so i could see it. and there it was, a little curly grey hair. omg. i wanted to ask them to put it in a baggie so i could take it home but she already thinks i'm a weirdo because i never care what she does to my hair, i'm just like, i dunno, make it do something different or make it a different color or whatever. but no, there it was, a grey hair. ugh. i'm getting old. i'm going to be 27 in february you know. yikes.

i have a bruise on my elbow. i don't know how it got there.

i go back to work tomorrow. i hear the rumor mill has been working overtime. ought to be interesting. i wonder when my last day will be. i got the nicest phone call from ua sherry today. she called me from home just to find out what's going on because apparently there are several different versions out and about and to tell me good luck and she's going to miss me. i like sherry - most people are afraid of her or hate her because she's a bitch but i get along with her. i'm going to miss so many people i could cry. this is like the one and only job i've ever really enjoyed, and having said that i don't know if it's the job that i enjoy so much as it's the people that i work with, you know? i mean, most of them. marty jones can fuck off and die a painful public, humilating death and that's okay, and there's a few others that i can live without, but for the most part i really like them all. and most of them have really comfy sofas and don't mind dragging my stupid ass around late at night when i need pancakes and a place to sleep.

table is gone. it really feels like i'm moving. it's a little strange. i'm realy not good at change, i kind of like things routine and normal and steady and this time i don't have anyone to blame this on but me, because i could have easily said no when gran massa champ started planting the seeds in my mind about going back to school. i guess some little part of me thought i could use a serious upheaval because that's what i'm getting. i can't do things small, you know? i have to go all out. i can't go to drake and move to dsm. nope, that's not dramatic enough. i guess that's just how i am. my biggest fear out of this whole thing is failure. that and not knowing. i've never done anything quite like this before. right now, i don't know anyone, i don't know where anything is, i don't know if i have a job, i don't even know if i could find my way home. so what if i get there and i hate it? what if i get really depressed and all i want to do is lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and not leave the house? what if i can't handle school? what if i fail and i have to come back to dsm and everyone will know that i failed? that's what i fear. i'm terrified of this whole thing. but. but. i'm in too far to back out now. and i think that all of this came together as such for a reason. it's beyond my control. besides, i can't live my life being afraid. so i'm done.

i had a couple of liberating moments this weekend. one. i threw away four of the five boxes of bandaids in the bathroom medicine cabinet. i'm not graceful in most uses of the word, but i was never the accident prone idiot in the house. as such, i tossed out about 30$ in bandaids. it felt nice. two. because i couldn't find a sticker for my car that just said the word 'fuck' and because it probably wasn't appropriate to put such a sticker on uugof, i asked roberto to remove the b29 from my back window. i'm not much of a supporter of the b29 anymore. in fact, i chuckled to myself as i watched the godfather piece off the car this weekend and make back about half of what he bought it for if my memory serves me correctly. naw, i don't chuckle. maybe cackle, but not chuckle. i'm not one for chuckling.

okay boys and girls. i'm tired and i have things to do.

06 January 2007

candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker

i knew i could defeat common sense if i tried hard enough. hehehehe... nigel and i are taking our hard-earned dollars and giving them to the first bartender we see. give me something to drink, and make it strong. and pretty. just like i like my men. strong and pretty. :D i think we're partying on the table tonight, not literally on the table (although we could if we wanted to, the table could hold us, the children, my next door neighbors, the kitties, angus young and hulk hogan, but i don't want to scratch the finish, at least not until it's out of my dining room) but we may go partying on the table funds. snackmaster bob said if that's the case i should have no problemos dropping my standards to get my necessary seven minutes of meaningless random sex (especially since my fortune cookie said i was going to have a meaningful overnight relationship - no joke). i said if we go drinking on table money you might not see me until wednesday.

time to go make myself cute. new jeans day! i heart new jeans day! ta ta, bitches. muah.

i have a community chest

i got a parking ticket last night. i didn't talk about it because i was only talking about good things yesterday and a parking ticket is hardly a good thing. it's actually a massive ticket for a parking ticket, 30$, double the norm because i'm special. no, it was double because my meter was expired and it was between the hours of 1600-1800. when i suck, i suck hard.

right now, i'm waiting for things to install and update in the godfather's office. it's taking for-fucking-ever. i have dollars burning a hole in my pocket and i have a desparate desire to drink until i'm retarded tonight but common sense is telling me to go home and pack.


peas out, bitches. i'm too busy for you.

05 January 2007

i got to say, today was a good day

i got sleep.
i got cute new jeans. (on sale even!)
i got a place to live. (and i have two bedrooms and two (little) closets.)
i had chicken nachos for lunch. yummy.
i had good hair today.
i sold my dining room table and an assload of longaberger!

i so rock.

i'm the epitome of the public enemy

i'm scared out of my mind. things are falling into place better than i could have imagined and i'm scared out of my mind. i don't know if it just sort of hit me that i'm moving three hours out my comfort zone, away from what i know and like and love and hate and into the unknown or what's going on, but i had a small breakdown on the way home and while i'm not completely conflicted i have a small ball of stress in my stomach. it could just be that tortilla i ate, i guess. perhaps flour does not digest well. what a time for me to find out i am gluten intolerant. holy hell.

today was good. i'm a student. (they like me, they really like me!) it's essentially a two year program if you want to do it right and starting in january as oppoosed to may or september allows for a semester of fluff (me? fuck up? never.) which isn't always a bad thing. in terms of dollars, the education is inexpensive. school doesn't worry me, i can handle the school. i can always handle the school. (and there's no math. so i say take your statistics and shove them in your ass, dr. j. oh yeah. i threw that book away yesterday. and it felt goooooood....) i even have classes and i almost have financial aid. and we all know how good i am at financial aid.

two years until i get another degree, and then fiji, here i come...

then the rest of the day was spent looking at apartments and townhouses and places to live. roommate has now requested to be called grand master champion of the world; i'm not sure why, i don't recall the story behind it except that it was funny. i do believe i'll abbreviate that as gmc or gran massa champ, i think i like that better.

so me and the gran massa champ cruised the city looking for a place to live. it was a lot like goldlilocks trying out the bears beds and shit. except we didn't find the one that fit perfect - there was never a baby bear bed, you know?

'this one is too sanitary.'

'this one is too 'welcome to my bed' and has no closets.'

'i don't think we can fit a sofa up those stairs.'

'i fucking hate track lighting and the neighbors pray to a skinny wrestler who sits on the couch.'

there was one we both sort of liked but didn't want to like and i'm not sure why we didn't want to like it. it was sort of out in bfe and the neighborhood wasn't bad, but i think that there is a large child gang that runs rampant. in fact, i think we just missed some poor band geek getting his ass beat but i wasn't going to jump out of the car and save him because i think the gang leader could have kicked my ass too. so if we do end up living there i'm going to carry a baseball bat to the mailbox and i'm going to keep a realistic looking b.b. gun next to the bed so i can shoot the little dickheads if they come too close to my shit. gran massa champ said he has a shotgun but i don't think that will make us very popular in the neighborhood. besides, how can we pay the rent if we're spending all our money on bail?

housing is the only hold up at this point. and that's prolly what's stressing me out. i think if i had a place i knew i were going, i'd feel better. right now, everything else i need to do is in limbo. it's all sort of dependent on that one thing and i hate when that happens.

so. i guess i can cross a couple of big things off my list of things to do. like school. that was sort of a big one. and i may have a job. that was sort of a big one. that should make mom feel better, knowing that 33 1/3 percent of her offspring *may* be employed. i talked to my dad last night, told him i was moving and that if he wanted to help he could be my financial sponsor, kinda like nascar? he could give me a logo and i'd wear it if he wanted or put it on the side of uugof or whatever. he told me he bought me an ipod for christmas.

i didn't have the heart to tell him i sold it already.

i'm tired. perhaps the housing situation won't look so bleak in the morning. gran massa champ and i are pow-wowwing in the morning. i'll let you know.

peas out.

03 January 2007

you know, in case you want to borrow my shoes

sometimes, i talk to you, and i wonder, what the hell am i getting myself into? just so you know, i will never want to borrow your shoes. but i appreciate the warning. from here on out, i will be a knocker. and a timid room-enterer. and i promise not to step on you if you're convulsing/stretching on the floor or the furniture. but i can't make the same promise for the cats. they find things on the floor and on the furniture interesting. just promise not to make me eat blueberries or play trains. we ought to be okay. :D