31 August 2006
29 August 2006
28 August 2006
well. rebuttal is in order. sort of. you commented on my baseball game. it's a a baseball game to end all baseball games. what can i possibly compare this to? this is *my* nationals - this is red sox vs. yankees. this is yankee stadium. the chances of me actually selling an organ are few and far between, but if i thought i'd ever get to stand on the grass at yankee stadium, i'd carve out a kidney in a heartbeat to stand where the babe once stood. to stand where the biggest baseball rivalry exists. to be at yankee staduim - it's a lifelong dream for me. and regardless of what's going on in my life - i need to do this. i want to do this. you can't make me feel bad for doing this.
now. for all the other trips i have *planned*...well, nothing is set in stone. i'm fully aware that i'm going to have to work 14-hour days for the next 17 months in order to support myself and my habits and and and and... and switzerland doesn't fit well into those plans. however, if the chance does arise and things work out, i'm going to go. just like charlotte and los angeles and maui. this is why i have this job. this is why i do what i do. i get to see people i love and places i love and new things and new experiences... as for all the other small material things i'm engrossing myself in... if i don't focus on something other than subject matter at hand, i'm going to go crazy. sometimes, i have to let my mind wander, away from the bedroom that i shut myself in when i get home at night. away from the situation that i have created. i'm fully aware that i'm the reason that this is happening - i'm the catalyst here. but you have to allow me some sort of release. and if that's a swatch watch or a jello shot or a cell phone - trust me, what's happening on the home front is always first and foremost on my mind. i'm just trying to push it a little further back, just for a second, just to make it stop hurting for a minute.
but see, if you knew me at all, you wouldn't take my wants and material desires at face value. you'd know that it's an act. i'm tyring to act like *me*, the me that people expect me to be, when really, all i want to do is sit at home and make lists of things i need to do. you think i'm not stressed out about this whole thing? if you knew me at all, you'd know that this indecision is killing me. you'd know that this lack of information is absolutely stifling. i'm drowning in a lack of knowledge - if you knew me at all, you'd know that this is one of my all-time, biggest-ever, pet peeves - a lack of control. i have no control right now. and that is freaking me out beyond belief. but instead of putting that out there for all to see, i'm pretending it doesn't bother me. if you knew me at all, you'd see right through that. but you don't...
you know, i know what the cure is. but certain situations won't allow me to make the changes necessary to move along with life. i'm stuck in a tape delay, i'm stuck in this moment. my life is currently in a ground stop - air traffic control. i realize that there are changes that need to be made and decisions to be decided - but until the housing situation changes, this is where i am. i'm not making excuses. it is what it is. it's not ideal, it's not what i want. but until something changes, this is the way it has to be.
finally, as far as awaiting your sympathy, i'm not. i don't want you to feel sorry for me. i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i just want to stop being blamed for not trying. i want people to stop blaming me for their not being able to understand. i don't care if they don't understand, it's not their place and they don't have to. i just want to be able to trust people. i want to know who my friends are. i want you (collectively, not necessarily personally) to know that i have come to my senses, and that's why i've made this decision.
you have no idea how much i appreciate your opinion. which is a good thing, i don't think i can stop you from giving them at this point. you often have an interesting perspective, and i'm beginning to believe you do know more than you like to let on about this and other things. some day we can talk about that. for now, it's well past my bed time and you made me miss round two of harold and kumar. i forgive you. good night, farewell, sweet dreams.
27 August 2006
what a strange, wonderful day. i didn't do anything today but lie in bed and watch reruns of movies i adore. what did i watch? i watched steve zissou, wedding crashers, harold and kumar go to white castle, the interpreter, harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, and the waterboy. scored some preseason football and made ziti. played with the dog, left the phone off the hook and turned my cell phone OFF. it was a great day. completely unplugged except for that nasty myspace addiction i harbor. but wtf? that's not hurting anything. i didn't shower until well past dinner time, and dinner was about 4 hours late. i love days like today. it was rainy and gloomy and there was nothing better to do. perfect day.
my stepdad is ill, neurologically ill, and they don't know what's wrong with him. they [they being a team of neurologists] think that perhaps its some sort of palsy, but as of yet it can't be pinned down to something specific and name-able. that's a tad bit frightening. more tests to come this week and another appointment with another neurologist. my poor momma. :( she's just a giant ball of stress and i'm not any help. she worries obsessively about me and the decisions i make. i wish sometimes she didn't, but secretly i'm glad she does. sometimes i think she's the only one that cares.
ramblings: going to have to make a trip to cville sometime this week. have to take the puter in for major reconstructive surgery. pos is freezing up at random times and just pissing me off. if it weren't so stinking cute i'd toss it outside along with that pos dvd player in the living room... grrr.... that and it's time for new virus software and douglas said that he has an alternative to the system i've been using. and it's free. i heart things that are free. if it's free it's for me... tee hee.... while the texas ranger got her eyebrows waxed, i bought perfume last night. for me. i generally hate perfume, but this is amazing. from the body shop (where else? that's where i need to get a job, as much as i spend...), called amorito. it's jasmine and vanilla and omg, it's just the bestest. and it doesn't give me a headache like every other perfume i've ever tried to wear....when i turn 30, i want people to leave me alone. if someone throws me a birfday party similar to the one tossed for rodney last night, i will be upset. granted, i'll already be upset because i'll be thirty and doesn't life end at 32 or 33??? i can't remember. but i only have three and a half more years to live and then it's all downhill after that... OMG! harold and kumar is on again!!! this is the stupidist movie, yet i find i'm oddly drawn to it, time and time again. and i thought i had nothing better to do than go to sleep... hehehehe...
so. this is the first day off i've had in i don't know how long - prolly since i got back from ogg. and i'm going to spend it thinking about work. i'm going to apply for another job - a job at hdq in tariff. i've wanted to work in tariff ever since i learned what tariff was and that it existed. i should prolly email ruben and let him know i'm putting in for it. he said that he and maria would put in a good word for me if i ever decided i wanted to make the switch. i hear that the interview process is a grueling one - multiple interviewers to multiple interviewees over a long period of time. but we'll see. i love my job, but it gets more and more intriguing every day... :D a change might be good. so today i'll complete my online resume and click the submit button and see what happens.
anyway. things that make me laugh. there are a lot of them today, because i'm in a marvelous mood. the main thing that i'm laughing about is the interaction between f.e. and boy. that makes me laugh. one thing that f.e. and i can still talk about is the races, and this inevitably brings up the topic of boy, which i find hilarious, because f.e. has no idea really what he's stirring up. f.e. says to me this morning something to the effect of "[boy] gave me the dirtiest look last night and i was just giving him shit about [blah blah blah - insert some racing related crap here]. he just sped away on his little golf cart and took orders from the godfather and over all just looked like a fucking moron." i was all, hmmm, how weird, but on the inside i was just giggling because this is funny stuff.
what else makes me laugh? macaroni and cheese and pork and beans. jimmy's ling-ling impression. XYZ. professor dickhead. people who stand at kiosks in the center of the mall and try to sell crap. peppermints. bikers who want to take me out in the middle of the desert and shoot me. drinking and dialing. 99-cent target shoes that i can't walk in. parallel parking. driving home at 36 miles per hour, thinking that i'm driving insanely fast. oh for the love. that cracks me up...
what else? in three weeks, i'll be in nyc. that's sweet balls (thanks, anna banana!). i'm very much looking forward to that. than in october, i'm still planning on going to switzerland, how and when i'm not sure, but would still like to go. in november, donella texas ranger and i are talking about going to lax and december takes me back to ogg with ernie and megan and anyone else who would like to go. but somewhere in the middle of all of that, i want to go to clt and see libbeth and baby donna/chloe/adelaide, who is not due to make an appearance until 05oct but may arrive earlier. in november, i'll have been at my job for one whole year. a whole year! yay me! i've never held a job for a whole year, unless you count mccroskey's, and that doesn't really count because it's family and not really a real job... hehehehe...
25 August 2006
on the house selling front: the appraiser was here today. apparently the house has increased in value since the last time it was appraised. this is a good thing. superjanel likes things that appreciate in value. i think f.e. said monday is the day we meet with the realtors to officially set up the listing. yay! i wonder how long it takes to sell a house. does it take a long time? do you know? if you know, you should answer me. i'm new to this.
24 August 2006
so today, this dude comes out to the house to take video for the virtual tour that the realty company will use in its online ads. it's a little strange to think that my house and my belongings can soon be seen online. i hope you can't see my dust. i even had to pick up the laundry in the bathroom. i hope he didn't video in the closets... that's not going to sell this house very quickly. link to come soon, this ought to be interesting...
23 August 2006
but you know what? you're not. you have no idea. tonight i received confirmation - verbal confirmation from all parties involved - that decisions made and being made are in fact the right ones. we finally talked, f.e. and i, and i came out and told him how i felt. i told him that it's not fair of me to ask him to wait around while i figure out what it is i want in life. and he agreed. and i told him that if i have to figure out what i want in life, chances are, it's not him. and he agreed. i'm not going to tell you that i'm not sad. f.e. is overall a good guy. but he's not good for me. i'm not good for him. we both deserve better than what the other has to offer. we both want more than what the other is willing to give. he wants conformity, i want spontanaity. i want passion and romance and desire, he wants love. and while the two of us are very different in many respects, we're quite alike in that we're not willing to bend and change and give in for the sake of something less than perfect. i know there is no perfect person out there - i know that. but i want more. i love him - i love him for his tenacity and his desire to better himself and his life - but that's not enough for me. i don't love him for the right reasons and that's not fair to anyone involved.
so. i'm sad. i'm human and i'm sad. i'm sad that i'm not able to make this work. i'm sad that at one time, i truly felt as though this was my forever and ever and so on and so forth. i'm sad that i had to be the one to bring our faults to light; i'll be the one charged with relationship murder in the eyes of all our friends and family. i'm sad that this isn't my white picket fence, 2.3 children, dog in the yard, end-all, be-all of relationships. isn't that what we all want in the end? but deep down, way down, i know that this is the right decision. and while it hurts, it's good for me. i don't know what the future holds, but i know this is the first step in finding out what i really want and what i really need. you know, i've never really known me, me alone, me without a significant other? i've never had the opportunity to survive on my own? to fail? to thrive? to be alone? perhaps i'll be good at it. and maybe i won't. but i get to find out and that's sort of exciting. and scary and sad, all wrapped up in one. but it does hurt...
you know, the thing is, i want the white picket fence and the 2.3 children and the big family dinners and the whole nine yards. i want that. but he doesn't. he's made that clear since i met him, and his wants have become my wants and i've put aside the things that are important to me. i don't like who i am when i'm around him. i don't like the negativity and the constant, constant bickering. i don't like the person this relationship has forced me to become. there is more to life than this. i need to remember that.
tomorrow the realty company is coming to take video of the house for the online listing. how strange. they're going to do one of those virtual reality tours - but it's in my house. people will be able to see my things. online. hmmm.... i'm not really okay with this, but what do you do? the house has to go, there's no way i can afford to live here, just no way. i do love this house though. that's another thing that makes me sad. :(
i wish it were november. first off, it would be cold. i love winter. i love being cold. i love my winter clothes and boots and coats and gloves and hats and red noses and the smell in the air when it finally gets cold. it smells clean. it smells good. things look clearer on the first chilly day - literally and figuratively. but beginning in november i can put in for other jobs within the company. and maybe i can get out of the area and get on with my life. maybe then it won't hurt so bad. new faces, new responsibilities, new, new, new. maybe that's what i need. or maybe i just need another night of heavy drinking. that seems to make it all go away, at least on a short term basis...
i write this for me. i write all this for me. but it's come to my attention that there are people who read this. a lot. everyday. it can't be that interesting. who are you? i'm curious... say something.
22 August 2006
21 August 2006
so. roberto and i will be nyc-bound in less than four weeks. i need to sell a kidney in order to fund this trip. does anyone know of anyone looking for a kidney? i'd let it go cheap... anywho. roberto wants to go to flight club. i thought he said fight club, and i was all, the first rule about fight club is don't tell loren about fight club, but he called me a retard and promptly corrected me. flight club is some sort of shoe orgy thing they gots going on over by nyu. roberto is beside himself just thinking about it. me? i've got to get to the swatch store in times square. plus, i was afraid that my hiking in the hills of heidi trip might be x-nayed due to lack of companionship but i think i've got ua christy talked into going with me. we're going to eat cheese and ski in october. that about covers it, no other plans. i'll buy watches of course, but i don't think she shares this obsession. why switzerland? well, with all the crazy shit going on in the world, i think it's good to go somewhere neutral. neutral = safe. plus, they speaka some-a english, which is good, because the only foreign language i speaka is drunken spanish and i don't think that will bode well over there. i know just enough to get by: aeropuerto, hamberguesa, bano, cervesa. airport, hamberger, bathroom, beer. i'll never die in mexico. and i'll get to work. but the other reason for going to switzerland is obviously swatch watches. i want to come home with like 17 new swatch watches. oooh, that makes me hot just thinking about it. not that i wear the 100 i have now. i only wear like two. but that's not the point. one day they will be worth millions and i will retire on my swatch watch fortune. or, i'll be 90 years old and my arms and legs will be covered in swatch watches, trying to keep warm, since i don't have any money for food or clothing because i spent it all on stupid fucking plastic watches with fornicating bunnies on the wristbands. oh well. 90 years old, living on the street, freezing to death and covered in swatch, i'll still be too cool for school.... so. yankees. flight club. (not fight club, but if we could find one, i'm game for spectatorship, which is all mr. willett, my junior high gym teacher said i was good for anyway. i actually got the award for best spectator at the yearly award ceremony. in fact, i was such a shitty gym class student, i got that fucking award two years in a row. he said he'd never seen anyone put forth the creativity in finding excuses to skip gym class and that if i'd only applied that energy to passing the presidential fitness exam or what the fuck ever it was called, i'd have been a stellar student. fucking dick. but i digress...) and swatch. umm, what else? me no se. to be continued...
oh. by the way. if anyone knows how to make my car quit speaking all crazy-like. let me know. it's sort of pissing me off and i can't make it stop.
20 August 2006
19 August 2006
but the evening would not be complete without a perplexing conversation with a two-legged, yellow-bellied individual i like to call "boy." boy, this one's for you. i don't understand what's up with you. really. i'm not looking for commitment. i really don't even want to serve you tuna casserole anymore - i don't even want to starch your socks - you've sucked all the fun out of that for me. i just don't understand how one person can swing so far - from hot to cold - in a matter of minutes. are you on drugs? have you considered it? it might mellow out your mood swings. you think i'm just a spoiled little girl - the bored and horny housewife. but i'm not filling you full of crap - what i told you was the truth. i'm leaving him. we're selling the house. and he strongly dislikes you. i'm sorry you don't believe what i say; if not believing makes it easier to deny my friendship, well, i can't change that. but i am disappointed in you. if nothing else, i thought we could be friends. but if this is it, that's great. it's been fun.
remember my random encounter? as it turns out, me and brooksie have something in common. hopefully, it wasn't on the same night. but, random encounter dude has a wife and kids. and he lives in dsm. a little too close to home. yikes...
i got the new york dilemma solved. craiger and i will be gracing the city that never sleeps with our presence come 16sep06. this will be fun.
18 August 2006
17 August 2006
i have yankees-red sox tickets for sept. 17 at yankee stadium. do i sell or do i go? if i go, i have to find someone to go with me. if i sell, i need to hurry up and get it done so i can get them in the mail. i'm dying to go to yankee stadium - i've never been to new york and i want to see old yankee stadium while i still have the chance. and i want to see my lovaboy kyle farnsworth in pinstripes just one more time... *sigh* what's a girl to do? anyone know of anyone that would buy yankees-red sox tickets? anyone want to go to a game?
so i'm having a particularly strong urge to go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money. money that i don't really have, that doesn't really belong to me. (ha. that's the perfect kind of money to spend, honestly...) except i don't really need anything and i'm sure i'll only come home with more of the same. as if i need more br jeans and jcrew shirts. well, of course i could always use more br jeans and jcrew shirts - in maui i bought the most adorable br cropped jeans, they are so comfortable i can sleep in them and the only reason i know this is because i have done this a couple of times. which is good, because they cost me a fucking arm and and a leg and i had to sign over rights to my first born child in the event that i ever push one out. they were that expensive. :D but they're so perfect and they're amazingly worn but not too worn. rob was like, you spent how much on ripped jeans? they're not fucking authentic? but he wears women's pants, and dirty ones at that (dirty pants, not dirty women, well, i guess i don't know that, so never mind) so his opinion doesn't really count.
tomorrow. me, miss-t, missy and brooksie are getting drunk. in. public. i don't want brooke to leave! the mere prospect makes me sad, especially since i haven't learned her neat-o burrito bar tricks! :( miss-t is having sock starching issues, as am i, and i'm sure this will be among the topics of conversation tomorrow. however, we'll be speaking in pig latin to keep others from obtaining too much information. i'm not too excited about some people going along, but since i'm not the one organizing the going away party i can't complain too much.
*i left the bathroom light on and i'm too lazy to get up and turn it off because the fan is on and it's kind of cold in here and i've already taken my slippas off and i'll be brr...
*i left my clothes in the dryer and that means that tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn i'll have to retrieve them in my skivvies
*fat eddy is still sleeping on the fucking sofa. fat eddy won't get out of my fucking face...he's always there. i offered to send his big dumb ass to denver this weekend and he won't fucking go. grrr...
*my saturday plans have been cancelled and i'm already bored and it's nowhere near saturday... maybe i'll scratch that cs i did at work so i don't have to work until noon on saturday and then i can drink more on friday with fewer repercussions. hmmm...
*i've lost one of my all-time-favorite pink and green striped socks and i think the culprit is not the butler in the library with the candlestick but that adorable f.w.p. bastard dog.
*i need to get my eyebrows waxed bad. and a pedicure. and a bikini wax. and a haircut. and a highlight. i need a spa day! where's my phone? oh bella, oh how i love you... now there's where i can spend an outrageous amount of money and technically come home empty handed. no one has to know i just spent 600$. except me. and courtney. and she's not talking. she's the shit. she digs weezer and bad jokes and she has kick ass hair and i love her.
okay. i'm tired and i'm babbling and i need to go get my laundry and get ready to get up at the ass crack of dawn. for some stupid ass reason i agreed to work 0600-1900 tomorrow, and then i'm getting drunk. in. public. i so need a martini or 12 or 16. i wonder who will drive my stupid ass home? maybe i'll just stay at misty's. i better undo that work on saturday morning thing.
16 August 2006
i heart ice cream. tonight i drove to the ice cream store - all the way in pella - just to have mint cookie dough ice cream. tomorrow night i want to go to the fair after work, but i have to find someone to go with me. all i want is a corndog! anyone reading this that wants to go to the fair let me know. i'm jonesing for a corndog in a severe fashion.
dog the bounty hunter. that show cracks me up. that dude's hair cracks me up. i ended up watching the one where he got married to his long time common law wife and i've been addicted to this crap ever since. i think the tivo is full of dog. and the office. oh! and gene simmon's family jewels. that's some funny stuff. apparently i'm not lacking for too much me time, if i can watch all this television. you want to know what's pissing me off though? the tivo is in the living room, where it's always been, and fat eddy won't move his fat ass so i can get to my stuff. bastard. he keeps sleeping on the sofa, even though rob is gone and the sheets are clean in the spare bedroom. how freaking rude is that? that, and oh, this made me really mad, he's been using my computer lately because he's too lazy to go get his. get away from my shit, arseface. what's mine is mine and what's yours is...well, it's prolly mine too.
ugh. 18 minutes. so i was offered full time at work and i turned it down. i can get 65 hours a week as part-time and i can pick and choose when i want to work and where. why would i put myself at the bottom of the list as full time and not get any of my cs's approved?? nuh-huh. not happening. sure, the insurance is cheaper as full time, but i bet i can get myself covered through other means and still not have to pay as much.
friday: it's brooksie's going away party. she told miss-t that she wanted to go to a pub and so far that's all i know. i guess that's all i need to know. poor me, i have to work at 0700 on saturday morning. i should say poor coworkers. :D my all-time favorite thing that brooksie ever said: port-a-loo. that's awesome. that and she can open beer bottles with her eye. remember that commercial for foster's: "keeper"? that's all i could think of when i watched her do that... it was hysterical. she's the coolest...
7 minutes. ugh. oh! so i missed the dildo party last week - thanks dfw rampers - but have no fear. lindsey is going to become a consultant and therefore has to have a "coming out" party in september... yay me! i may make a new friend afterall... :D however, i did place an order from the catalog. but what a bizaare business. i don't have any problem talking in front of people but i still don't think i could hold up a vibrator and lecture on the proper way to use it. and keep a straight face. that takes a *special* kind of person.
3 minutes. ok. time to go. i've put it off long enough.
15 August 2006
14 August 2006
august 26: me and the girls are shaking our asses in dallas. where, how, when, with whom, i don't know and i don't really don't care. i am so looking forward to this excursion. i must work 12 hour days between now in order to earn the pesos to fund this excursion - first class from maui eats into an already nonexistant paycheck, it was a little painful to see that one. the next one should be kosher. lemon drop martinis, here i come. green shirt = i want to smack your ass, texas ranger... plus, we're going to need bail money for donella. this is going to be great. i hope the random person she chooses is a dude, it will make the vagina story that much better. :D
13 August 2006
so. stepping down from that soapbox, let me tell you about my ass. it fucking hurts. i have such a bruise where i got my shots the other night - i look as though i've had my patootie kicked by a midget. it hurts to sit. it hurts to stand. i have to sleep on my stomach. owie. :( and just in general, i am covered in bruises. my job kicks my ass everyday. i am black and blue in places that luggage should not reach but apparently does. but isn't there a saying about pain building character? maybe it was scar tissue, i just don't remember. :)
houseguests. i suck at having them. either i'm turbo-freakaloid-bitch and i scare them away or i'm distant-never-around-cold-shoulder-bitch and then i think i still scare them away. i can't win. the houseguest that has been present en la casa de la mason since tuesday is actually not that bad, but then again, i wasn't around for most of his stay. someone had to go out and earn money to contunue to make the housepayments for this joint. oh, wait, that's not me either. hehehehe... anyway. the guest was nothing short of highly entertaining. i've heard more cheap trick than i believe the average person should be subjected to in a week's time. and i've been asked some interesting questions. but as of today, the guest is gone, the room is eddy's and the f.w.p. is sleeping in his cage again. the world is right, as right as it's going to be right now.
12 August 2006
and the bee fucking won. oh, did he ever. i so got my ass kicked by this cute little flower-loving bumble bee. curious as to how this happened? let me enlighten you.
so. superjanel gets home from work, after dealing with jackass passengers and their heavy ass shit all day long. she's really in no mood for anything, but fluffy white puppy has to go outside - it's the routine. [who am i to deny him his outside time?] so they go outside and he proceeds to freak out, running and barking and growling and chasing his tail, and she eventually tires of chasing f.w.p. and sits down in the yard.
on. a. fucking. bumble. bee.
superjanel got stung in the ass by a big ass - large, huge, ginormous - bumble bee. and as if that weren't insulting enough, the damn bee didn't die. nope. he lived long enough to sting her again - in the crick of her elbow. bastard fucking bee. now is a great time to inform our lovely readers that superjanel is deathly allergic to bees. and wasps. and hornets and so on and so forth. last time she was stung was in like the seventh grade or some shit like that and it was ugly. really ugly.
anyway. let's continue. almost instantly, her ankles started to swell and then her calves, and then her wrists and hands and her face and throat. remember that show, life goes on? the one with the retarded kid corky? when this happens to superjanel, she looks like corky. in fact, let's call her corky for the remainder of this story. so corky attempts to round up the dog because she has to do one of two things. stab herself in the thigh with her epi pen or go to the er at the lovely local infirmary, where people go to die. so, after chasing the dog (who won't come to her because he doesn't recognize her tweaked out voice or her freaky-ass face), she gets in the car and finds the epi pen. however, she doesn't have the balls (literally and figuratively) to stab herself in the thigh. so corky drives her pathetic swelling ass to the er, announces to the nurse on duty, "i got thtung by a bee" and has to get at least four shots - IN THE ASS - to get the swelling to go down. corky stopped counting at four, but thinks it was about seven.
seven shots in the ass. seven. i have a very popular ass this year. everytime i get sick or whatever, i have to have a shot in the ass. texas. iowa. it doesn't matter anymore. whatever i get, the fucking cure is a shot in the ass. unfortunately i'm comfortable when anyone tells me to drop my drawers... well. not anyone. well, some people. others i could get comfortable with easily. :D
anyway. it was perfectly awful. terrible. everyone i told, with the exception of fat eddy, was sympathetic and shocked. brent introduced a bee clause into our kidney failure/concussion contract (isn't that sweet?) and what did my dear, dear, soon to be ex-husband do? fat eddy just grunted. I COULD HAVE DIED and he just grunted. "huh." fucker. i hate him and his stupid ass. "huh." i'll show you "huh," fucktard. grrrr...
i slept in this morning, as long as f.w.p. would let me, and i still don't feel quite right, but at least my face isn't fat and swollen like it was last night. that was terrible. i won't get to sleep in tomorrow, at all, or the next day - i've picked up lots of hours on my days off so i don't have to be home. it sucks being home. i hate being here, but i would have to agree with the advice i've been given that if i leave first i'm likely to get screwed in the proceedings to follow. while i don't expect to receive much, i would like to get out and be okay. so i'll stay and make the fucker miserable. ...how is this different from everyday life? i'm not sure. but i guess i'm waking up with this specific goal instead of just dumb lucking into it. hehehehehe...
11 August 2006
and because i'm still wired from work and 18 glasses of iced tea i had at dinner with donella this evening, i want to share a conversation that i had with a passenger today.
passenger: well, why can't chicago just send my bag with me on my flight?
superjanel: you're telling me that you want a ramper to go into the bag room in chicago, one of the biggest hub cities from which we operate, and find your black rollaboard suitcase?
passenger: is that so hard?
superjanel: i know you've never been to a bag room, and especially not in chicago, so let me put it to you this way. imagine the deepest darkest depths of hell...
superjanel: and then add to that thousands and thousands of black rolling suitcases that all look just like yours.
(passenger is quiet and then eventually walks away from my fucking counter because he realizes he is a fucking idiot and i am intellectually superior and if he continues to talk i will defeat him in front of god and everyone.)
i love my job. :D
i was supposed to go to a dildo party this evening. yeah, i didn't make it. not that i didn't want to, i was sort of looking forward to meeting a new friend (hehehehe...). but one of my freaky leads from work was going to be there and i don't want to be picking out a new friend in front of her, and then i got buried in bags and didn't leave anywhere near on time. so i didn't go. instead i went grocery shopping for someone else (the nerve!) and ate dinner with a pal at spaghetti works. i love hot naked from spaghetti works. yum.
09 August 2006
so. i'm in the process of finding a roommate. i've found a chica in wdm that has a townhouse she just bought, as well as one in ankeny. plus, there's a girl i know that's moving into an apt at 36/grand, that may work out. i'm not excited about moving and leaving everything here, but i'm anxious to get out and get on with my life. this is just weird. like today, eddy calls and he's all, 'rob's here, should we go back to sharing a room while he's here' ummm, no. ummm, hell no. i love rob and i know he's an artist and he's sensitive :) but we're going to have to fill him in sooner or later. so if he finds fat eddy sleeping on the sofa so be it. it doesn't break my heart.
tomorrow i'm going to a dildo party. i may come home with a new best friend. named b.o.b. or king tut II. hehehehehe... sorry, random dude that i think i may know. i may not need you or your services in the future. :D
06 August 2006
and so now we're left wondering what happens to all our stuff - that's all that's left after the dust clears, the stuff. possessions. what's mine is mine and what's his is... well, it used to be mine, but i'd be willing to bet that won't be the case much longer. and this is the hard part, the part that makes me wish i were willing to put up with the boredom and indifference. because this is the part that sucks. fighting over the stupid stuff. whose money was spent. what bills belong to whom. who gets the cat. who gets the dog. who stays in the house, who moves along. i want to leave. i don't want to be here anymore. but there are things that i want to take with me when i go and i'm afraid there's going to be serious confrontation about them. i know that he's going to treat me like he treated ex-business partner scott once it was revealed that scott was venomous to the relationship. he's going to build a case against me and try to convince me that it's in my best interest to leave quietly and empty handed. truth be told, i haven't been that bad to him. i could have been much, much worse. i just want what i'm entitled to. and quickly. i want it all to go away.
what a shitty day to have to go to a wedding shower. the bride's all happy and the groom's all happy and the parents are all happy and there's presents and cake and really yummy ham (cake and ham are actually not shitty, i was pretty pleased with that, but they needed mixed nuts and milk, i was hungry for mixed nuts and milk) and it's all swell, except for the fact that i'm wallowing in my own sorrow, all the while managing to look incredibly cute in my pink and green shirt - i love this shirt - because i am a relationship failure. really, i think if they'd had nuts and milk i'd have been kosher.
05 August 2006
03 August 2006
so yesterday i told eddy i didn't love him. and he laughed. obviously he thought i was joking otherwise i think he would have taken it a little differently. i tried to tell him last night that we need to talk but all he wants to talk about is the dog. i just don't the dog makes for good relationship glue. i take that back. we also discussed the upcoming nationals, his new job as radio commentator and ♥kasey kahne♥, who is borrowing old man's open trailer for race car hauling around kville next week. so after all that, i didn't really have any energy left for discussing how miserable i am in my everyday life and i was sort of preoccupied with daydreams (and night dreams, hehehehhe....) of kasey kahne... yum. but it's going to have to be done. i haven't worn my wedding ring in about two weeks and that's not bothering me a bit. i couldn't tell you if it's bothering him becuase 1) i haven't asked, and 2) i don't care. i need to get away from here, this isn't healthy.