30 January 2007

i hope misery loves company; it's all i'm good for.

i've never known anyone so plagued with such luck. honestly, he'd be better off with no luck rather than the poor luck he's been blessed with. i have a friend that has suffered more lately than any one person should have to - and it doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon.

last night i was graced with the pleasure of watching another human being's heart literally break. i've not seen that before; usually it's me on the flipside of that emotion and while i'm in the midst of it, i don't want to stand in front of a mirror to take notes on how it really appears.

it's not pretty.

i'm not going to go into detail, because the details aren't mine to divulge, but there is carnage. and he deserves to be upset and hurt. but i just can't get over the expressions on his face. those just about broke my heart, for him. because i know what he's going through. it's a sharp pain in your gut, like your entrails are being pulled from your body. your heart pounds and your mind races and there's not a thing you can do about it. it's pure adrenaline and for all the wrong reasons. because once the words are out there, they're out there. they don't go away and they can't be forgotten.

i just can't get over the range of emotions on his face. i really wanted to cry for him. and then i wanted to injure the person that did this to him, because that's the kind of person that i am. i'm generally not a violent person, but i do belong to the school of thought that a swift blow to the kneecaps with an aluminum baseball bat will solve incompetency in much of the general public; this particular hapless soul included. this person should fear me; i hold grudges and take the well being of my friends very seriously. he has fucked with my chi and it won't be soon forgiven.

but here is my dilemma: how can i help when really all i can do is commiserate? my advice is trite and my experiences too new; my own wounds are too fresh to offer any real assistance. so i find myself just nodding as we share awful stories. i don't know if this is helping or even healthy. every now and then i can resurrect a tidbit passed on to me from my mom, but mostly i just nod. i don't feel very useful. i just wish there was something i could do.

seriously. if he'd let me drive to ord and bash some kneecaps, i'd be all over that bitch like stink on shit. fucking cocksucker.

1 comment:

simonsays said...

Do you seriously NOT think that is the way the rest of us feel when the heart of someone that we love so much breaks? Do you honestly believe that it is YOU and your own incompetentcy that leaves you feeling as though there were nothing and I mean nothing you can do? That's love, kiddo, and caring about another human being. That is why as a mother, a friend, a lover, we want to take the kneecaps of all other humans that hurt those we love and collectively use the Louisville Slugger-on each and every fucking one of them. ALL that can be done is listening and commiserating and being there. Otherwise, do you think I would not have taken all of your own pain away? Words can be powerful, the right ones particularly. But that is all that we have to offer.