a little something just to take off the edge...

i took a quiz today. you know, one of those personality tests. i love those things. everybody loves talking about themselves. (not everyone loves "photo day" but generally most everyone loves talking about themselves...)

this was the result of my quiz:

ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population.

but what does that mean? so i found this and this. and now i know. interesting stuff, eh?

prolly more than you ever wanted to know about the superjanel, and to that i say pshaw. :)

congratulations, universe... you win.

i'm having one of those days. you know, where it's like every sentence is taken out of context and nothing comes out right. i've been an absolute bitch for the last week and i'm not sure why. i can't think of any one person that i've been nice to, except maybe my mom, and if i were a snarky bitch to her she'd take me out of this world, since she brought me into it and all.

she's said that line since i was old enough to listen. 'i brought you into this world and i can take you out of it.' i've heard other people say it since then and it just cracks me up... i mean, other people don't say it to me, necessarily, but i hear them say it to their kids, and it makes me laugh.

the really sad thing is my mood is better today, or at least it is right now. i'm feeling better, even though my stomach is not. i'm not hungry, and i haven't been for days. part of this is stress. much is going on now, and much i'd rather not talk about, so i won't.

a couple of good things did happen today. today was the beginning of the ncaa tournament. i love bracket season. i have brackets all over the place; so many that i can't remember my logins to most of them; the one that i can remember isn't doing so well; i'm currently in 219,199th position and that just cracks me up. it's been decided that the medal for this position is either made of tin foil or nerf foam. (i'm voting for nerf foam. that stuff is awesome. all bendy and shape shifting and just plain awesome.)

i went and saw my family today. i've been missing out on human contact lately. human contact and common sense. i miss my brother, why, i'm not sure, because he's a dickhead, but he cracks me up. he's moving to an apartment on the third floor of this new building so he can look at this beautiful shit creek/culvert thing and he's excited about it. i don't know if it's dawned on him yet that it's on the third floorand that's three flights of stairs. he doesn't have any heavy furniture. that's a plus. he just has exercise equipment and weights. sucker... he's not really a dickhead, not generally, he just acts like one (he just plays one on tv).

i heard from i-know-who today. (ha ha... i know who and you don't!) i think he was just attempting to play my game with me. little does he know that i don't really have a game, my game is just called being an absolute fucking genius and there is no way he will ever win at that in spite of his best efforts. however, i will continue to allow him to amuse me until such time as i tire of his efforts and/or i travel to meet this person face to face and i decide that he is not tall as i think he should be or his ties just don't do it for me since he doesn't have floppy hair and he doesn't have an accent, even though he rightfully could have an accent and chooses not to. is there anything else i'd like to say about that? just two things, really. damn you duke and illinois, don't fail me now!

i'm tired now. i think i may go to bed. i have to be up early so i can look supercute (yes, that is a word. google that shit.) and attempt to fool my doctor into thinking i'm superwell and can go to work and retain my job so i can have a paycheck so i can pay my rent and start being a non-money-grubbing member of society.

i'll let you know how that works out.

toodles.

ps - does anyone know when the office is coming out of reruns? it's enough to make a girl pick up drinking again. thank god lent ends in like 18 days. that's going to be a great friday. :D

me love you long time.

janel loves pretty things. janel needs pretty things. and you want to make the janel happy, don't you? don't you? i'm sure it's a holiday somewhere. i'll send you a clever thank you card, i promise.

love, superjanel

ps- simon, thank you cards are a-comin'. i just found the construction paper. now i'm working on getting a cat/fish/human family picture. i think we're all going to have to get in the fish tank cuz the fish get a little pissy when i set them on the sofa for a photo op.

it's a mexican standoff. and i don't have a gun.

slowly but surely i'm losing my fucking mind, folks. i mean it. if this is a sign of things to come, i'm going to be one of those blue hairs in the home, not knowing my own name and calling every one bobby with my sleeves full of kleenex and food hanging off my chin laughing at my own jokes and they're going to be tying me back into my wheelchair because i'm going to keep setting off the alarm when i keep running outside to show off my shuffleboard skills in the courtyard in my velcro s.a.s. shoes to all the other bitches in the cafeteria, tryin' to pick up a sugar daddy to pay off my student loans that are still prolly past due 'cuz that's how i roll.

sadly, some days i can't remember my own name and i'm already laughing at my own jokes. it's not looking good for the home team. like today, today i threw away my debit card and i had to dig through the trash to find it. it was at the bottom, mixed in with the swedish meatballs the gran massa champ made for dinner. that was awesome. combine that with the fact that he recorded the entire episode and plans to put it on youtube, i felt like a goddamn genius, gump.

while i was looking for my debit card, i found that i'd thrown away the gas bill and the insurance bill. and i swear, that wasn't on purpose. that just sort of happened. not that i threw away my debit card on purpose, that was a complete accident too. i'm a retard. but it sort of explains maybe why i don't pay my bills? maybe...?

and then tonight i went to plug in my phone so it would stop beeping at me and i couldn't find my phone charger. which was weird because i spent a good 20 minutes looking for it yesterday and finally found it in a perfectly logical spot, which is always the last spot to look. so tonight i ripped apart my room and the sofa, again, for the third time today, and still couldn't find it. and as it turns out, it was in the roommate's room. why? i don't know. because i'm retarded. i just walk around and set stuff down and leave it.

thank god i don't have children. can you imagine? i'd get all sidetracked at target or best buy or something and just set the little fucker down and leave him there, get home and be like, 'oh hell, i left tommy at target... again. but look at this new food processor i bought!'

new fish today. i got an algae eater for the goldfish tank. i think i'll call him hoover. he's not very cute but hopefully he's effective. i also got two gourami to go in the ugly tank but after i put them in there i just want to apologize to them; what an awful place to live. boring and ugly; they'll prolly commit little fish suicide by morning, hold their breath or drown or something.

speaking of fish, i think i may have another sickie. i think roger is ill. he's either taken a liking to playing dead or he's dying. he's starting sleeping upside down, like belly up. i don't think this is normal fish behavior. and to the non-believers, to those who say fish don't have feelings, i say meh! fish have feelings; as roger lies belly up, dying or proving a point in peaceful protest or whatever it is he's doing, the other fish try to console him. or maybe they're paying their last respects, i'm not sure. maybe they're like, 'yeah man, i remember how this went down with bernie, so when the pasta spoon comes for you, i want to be prepared. you were my best friend, man. remember that night, when we got all crunked up with that sheila chick and took my mom's car out to the lake and drove it off the pier? that was totally out of that risky business movie except sheila totally didn't look like rebecca demornay and i can't dance like tom cruise, cuz i have sponge bob hips. but you were there for me man, god, roger, i'm going to miss you...'

fish totally have feelings.

what am i going to do if roger kicks it? and i don't mean like old school, beastie boy style, so-whatcha-whatcha-whatcha-want. roger is the reason i bought the fish tank in the first place. i had to have a fish i could name roger. omg. i think i'm going to cry.

wahhh.

big kitty is sick. i had to find a kitty doctor today and we got kitty medicine. he's such a trooper. his new doctor is dr. riley, she has great hair. she was all, 'has he suffered any trauma lately?' and i was all, 'well, his father abandoned him and we moved to this god forsaken city and he's living with a homo who makes him do tricks and tries to make him wear a collar.' no really, i didn't say that. i thought about it though. that would have been hilarious.

but my poor kitty! he comes from a broken home! he's a product of divorce. he'll never have a normal relationship. hehehe...

i need to go to bed. i'm dumb.

peas out.

love,
superfreakinsleepysillyjanel

*muah*

i'm looking in on the good life...

i hate hospitals. they reek of illness and death. any happiness found in a hospital is confined to a small corner of a single floor; babies and new life are kept hidden away from the general public. instead visitors are welcomed by the overwhelming stench of end-of-life services and dying flowers, sadness and stale coffee. no one ever leaves a hospital looking happy.

i hate hospitals. did i mention that?

today i drove. i drove from dubuque to iowa city (84 miles). i drove from iowa city to des moines (114 miles). i drove from des moines to pella (46 miles). but all that driving calmed my nerves temporarily. here's what i learned:

• dad: my dad has improved 110 percent from his condition yesterday. he is mobile (somewhat) and while his vision is a little blurry, he can speak and function at an almost normal level. he's eating and drinking on a regular schedule. no more morphine. tests were conducted today and with any luck will be released tomorrow to go home. yay!
• grandma: my grandma is not doing so well. her incision is still bleeding, but not as severely. she looks incredibly pale and small and is not keeping food down; she's not even keeping fluids or meds down. she's fighting an obscure staph infection and is facing a six week regimen of daily intravenous antibiotics. they hope she'll be able to go home by friday but this isn't definite.

so. while nothing is wrong with me right now, you never know when something could happen. so i want to lay out some very basic instructions and information for those that will/would take care of the arrangements and distribution of the few things i actually own.

i'm not being morbid, i'm just being prepared.

okay, arrangements. i don't want to be buried. i want to be cremated. but i don't want to be placed in an urn. big lebowski-style, let me go over the ocean over the lava rock at la perouse bay on the island of maui. i don't want a big flowery funeral. and if anyone gets one of those big ugly flower arrangements with the big ribbon that says, "granddaughter" or "friend" i will hunt them down and haunt them for the rest of their days. i hate that shit.

i have specific music i want played.

• the verve: bittersweet symphony
• green day: good riddance
• moby: porcelain
• death cab for cutie: i will follow you into the dark
• the shins: new slang
• radiohead: fake plastic trees
• smashing pumpkins: in the arms of sleep

i don't want anything weepy; if it cannot be a celebration, i don't want anything at all. i hate formal, i hate pompous, i hate traditional. buck the system and get a fucking keg. i mean it.

as far as divvying up what little i own, i want this specifically followed. there are no exceptions to this. no swapping, no white elephant.

• mom: i want my mom to have my giraffe swatch watch and all my books (except for the one i want alex to have) and my book case.
• craig: i want craig to have all my dvds and cds because he doesn't possess enough random pop culture knowledge as it is. craig can also have all my t-shirts because chances are if it's at all cool it was prolly his to begin with.
  
• jorge: i want jorge to have my computer and ipod, because he doesn't have one and thinks he doesn't need one. if he had one he'd love it.
  
• steph: i want steph to have all my jewelry. steph honestly loves pretty things.
  
• mark: i want mark to have my entertainment center and television. he can keep them or burn them or whatever he wants to do with them. he deserves them for every time he's moved them.
• alex: i have a book called the 'little prince' that i want her to have. i also want her to have my swatches (except for the one with the frog on it, i think her mom should have that one) and my tickle bunnies, because i know she understands how important they are.
  
• brent: i want my roommate to have my cats and my fish and my ugly fishtank and my playstation. but you have to promise to take both kitties, not just the gay one.
  
• misty: i want misty to have my cell phone(s) and my beanie babies. lol.
  
• eddy: i want to leave eddy my car and all my debt because he's not yet fully my ex (at least at the time of this publication... hehehe...)
• everything else... that stuff isn't important. i don't really care. i've named all the important stuff. but i retain the right to alter this document at any time.

i feel better getting this out.

i had the strangest dream last night. i dreamt that the gran massa and schmalex were standing in the kitchen with all the cheese i've purchased lately spread out on the counter, holding knives and eating as fast as they could. i wanted cheese so bad but they wouldn't let me have any. the gran massa was laughing maniacally and schmalex wasn't being mean, she just looked sad. according to this site, cheese symbolizes gains and profits. so the gran massa and my cousin are eating my gains and profits. sonsabitches.

next week is winter break at school. another week when i don't have class. but that means that no one else has class either. yay!

tonight i'm holed up in the dutch village with the blanket that really should be mine. if i get up early enough i might just take it with me but i fear the family backlash i may incur. i don't know if it's worth it because apparently my brother, in addition to having no body fat, also has no blankets.

i'm going to bed.

gnite lovelies.
love, superfreakinoverlypreparedforthewrongthingsjanel

tickle is all that remains.

family stuff. lots and lots of family stuff. i like to pretend that i'm above stuff like this bothering me and lots of times i choose not to talk/think/act about it. but today is heavy and i can't get it off my mind.

not in order of importance; this is order of events...

best gram. my grandma is important to me. she likes to say that she doesn't know that that's true anymore, but she knows otherwise. sometimes life gets in the way. one of my all time best memories ever is the summer i spent with my grandma and grandpa when i was 8 years old. i spent an entire summer as an only child, which at the time was all i ever wanted. we had the best time. everyday we would do something fun, even if it was just me going to work with her and i would draw and use the adding machine and sit behind the desk while she and grandpa worked. it was the best. and then i remember crying when i had to leave and for days afterward, i missed her so much. when i got older she sort of became the liason between my mom and i when things got ... rough. one of my favorite stories about my gram is from when i was about 10 or 11, and she was making grilled cheese for my grandpa and i one night after he got home. and all i did was make the comment, 'you guys eat a lot of grilled cheese.' and she got so mad, she threw mine away and i didn't get any. i wasn't being mean or snarky or anything, i was simply making an observation. and i still didn't get any dinner. i don't think i laughed about it then. but i laugh about it now.

my gram's in the hospital. she's not doing well. infections and bleeding. in my mind, she'll always be 58, healthy, happy. and too young for any of this.

my father. my dad and i have a special relationship. sometimes it doesn't even feel like a relationship, it's more of a respect. he doesn't interfere in my life, he hasn't since i was 12 and he decided that there were things more important to him than his family. i spent many of my teen years angry with he and his new wife for many reasons; i spent several more feeling that they owed me something. and then one day, it just sort of hit me. anger and hatred took far more energy that i was willing to expend on them and that situation. and i stopped. i accepted it for what it was: something i couldn't change. and so this has how it's been. my father kind of stopped being a father and started being a friend. a fully-grown but juvenile acting friend. and i accept him for what he is and for what he's not, faults and strengths and all, and i love him in spite of it. and i know that somewhere in that mixed up list of priorities, his kids are in there towards the top and i appreciate that. i know he loves me. and that's what matters.

my dad had another stoke today. he was unconscious for several hours. he had to be lifeflighted to iowa city. he's stable but the full extent of the damage isn't yet known. he's only 57.

i'm not ready for this yet. i'm not ready for any of this yet. i'm 27 years old and in some ways i've been blessed that i've lost very few of the important people around me. i'm not ready for that to change.

hi, i live in the real world.

you know those people, the ones that look like they have it all together: life is going well, career is going well, personally they've got their shit together. maybe they're in a relationship and they're happy, and maybe they're single and seem to enjoy it. family and home life is good. no money issues. tons of friends and things to do. everybody knows these people. except the thing is - these people don't really exist.

these people are a farce. sure. some people may *seem* to have all that going on, but i've never really met anyone that had everything together, on the same page at the same time. it's like it's not possible. it's like no one can really have that life, or at least life that well.

people are really good at putting on that face. the one that allows people to see only what they want others to see. that's why we think that everyone else's life is so great and so wonderful. it's not necessarily a lie, but it's sort of a lie by omission, which is still a lie in definition.

for example. i give really good advice. people come to me and tell me things that a) i have no business knowing and b) i really don't care about but c) they seek my opinion on because d) i project the image that my life is somehow more goal-oriented and clear than it really is. people seem to think that i know what i'm doing and where i'm going when in reality i get up most mornings and it's a big guessing game. i just don't let on to the general public that this is what's going on in my head.

i'm not being egotistical. that's just how it happens. all the time.

so like today, when i'm confronted with a situation where the person that i think has it all together doesn't know what to do - i'm just shocked. it doesn't make the advice that person has given me shallow or any less meaningful; it doesn't make the person any less of a person. it just shocks me that a person that projects this image can feel this way.

even though i know that the image projected is just a hologram of a person she wants people to think she is.

so after that, i have to wonder, i wonder what the people who've seen me break down, who've seen me in the middle of all of this... melodramatic hullabaloo... what do they think?

and then i feel bad because not everthing is about me.

if this is a need-to-know basis, you need to know

100 fun facts for cocktail parties that pertain to the superjanel. have fun.

1. my hair is naturally curly.
2. my eyesight is getting worse as i age.
3. i wear glasses. sometimes i wear contacts.
4. i have really bad allergies. year round.
5. i'm not a very good swimmer but i can float.
6. i'm afraid to swim in the ocean.
7. i dislike white socks and green jello.
   
8. i rarely have the patience for the elderly.
   
9. i haven't balanced my checkbook in months. i wouldn't know where to start.
10. i love crude humor; even fart jokes.
11. i have five tattoos.
12. i have my sixth and seventh tattoos picked out.
13. i'm not sure what i want to do with my education.
14. i like being unemployed.
15. i eat a lot of cheese.
16. once, when i was 13, i broke a window with my foot. accidentally.
17. once, when i was 14, i broke a bunch of windows with my fist. not an accident.
18. i once fell off the hood of a moving car - this is a sport called escort surfing.
19. i have two brothers; they're awesome.
20. i have a half-sister. she has a lot of kids: six.
21. i don't want kids.
    
22. i have two cats.
23. i have two fish.
24. i rarely return phone calls and i hate voicemail.
25. i think george stephanopoulos is adorable.
26. i don't pay a lot of attention to politics even though i know i probably should.
27. i love coloring books.
28. csi: miami is one of the best shows ever.
29. thanks to david caruso.
30. i spent an ungodly amount of money on tempur-pedic pillows. they are so worth it.
31. i collect swatch watches. when i travel my bag always gets inspected because it ticks really loudly.
32. i still sleep with a teddy bear and my tickle bunnies.
    
33. i'd rather have a few really good friends than a ton of people that i kinda know.
34. when i drive by a patch of highway that is currently not adopted (you know the adopt a highway program), i feel bad for it. is it an undesirable stretch of road?
    
35. i call my mom so she'll talk sense into me. she makes me laugh. she's awesome.
36. i don't call my grandma often enough.
37. i don't ever want to get married again. ever.
    
38. i'm kind of a scatterbrain.
39. and i'm sort of a slob.
40. my iq is crazy high.
    
41. but i act like it's not so people 1) won't expect much out of me and 2) won't guess that i'm paying as much attention as i do. this is so very useful.
42. i took the act in the seventh grade. i probably scored higher than you.
43. i haven't been to church in forever but i'm considering going back.
44. i love books. i love the smell of books.
45. i love the smell of office supplies. i love to breath deep in staples. ahhhh...
46. i have many pairs of adidas. many.
47. i love skateboarding shoes. i don't skateboard well - my last attempt ended badly and i was almost hit by a car.
48. i've had more jobs than i am years old.
49. my birthday is 07feb. i expect lavish gifts.
50. when i was in the third grade, my mom braided my hair almost everyday.
51. i could never work at cold stone creamery; i would weigh a ton.
52. i have a set of mark twain novels published in 1906.
53. i'm on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i don't get hangovers anymore.
54. i love baseball.
55. i love baseball players. especially pitchers.
56. i love traveling. but i love coming home. no bed feels as good as your own.
57. i sing all the time. i'm not a good singer and i don't care.
58. i can play many instruments.
    
59. i love marching band. i love watching marching bands.
60. when i was 11, i got my foot caught in the spoke's of my brother's bike. it peeled off a whole lot of skin and it looked like the inside of a fish.
61. my goldfish eat oranges.
62. people like to talk to me. sometimes i don't listen.
63. i get bored really easily.
64. grey goose and cranberry is my drink of choice. but i'll try just about anything.
65. i can't do cartwheels.
66. i can suck my upper lip into my nose and hold it there for an extended period of time.
67. i love movies. and buying dvds.
68. i sunburn really easily. and then when it all peels off, i can tan.
69. i like to make faces at children.
70. i have a lead foot. i drive too fast. way too fast. it's genetic.
71. i can be really nasty when i'm mad.
72. if you're important to me, you have your own ringtone on my cell.
73. and if you're not, i don't answer when you call.
74. i worry about my future. but not for very long. or too often. just when i pay bills.
75. i drive a grey buick rendezvous. his name is uugof. i have named all my vehicles: gary, lucy in the sky with diamonds, grandma betty crocker boo, goldie hawn solo, nermal, shavonda jackson, and uugof. (his mother was a volkswagon.) there was a blue buick in there somewhere; it was called the chickwagon.
76. my stepfather is amazing. i like to tell people he's really my dad.
77. my real dad's okay. you just have to know what you're getting into. and then you can't be disappointed.
78. i have amazing friends. with really comfy sofas. :)
79. i get migraine headaches. they're awful.
80. i stress about my weight. but not too much or i wouldn't eat so much cheese.
81. i make a mean ziti. it's the only thing i can make that doesn't come in a box.
82. i love gangster movies: the godfather movies, goodfellas, casino.
    
83. i have a tv that weighs as much as i do.
84. i hate moving.
85. i live in illinois. that's crazy.
86. i've decided i don't like people from wisconsin. just because i can.
87. i try to be very open minded but some things are very trying. so are some people.
88. i have a degree, a b.s. in e-business. i don't know what that means or what to do with it.
89. i am currently attending the university of dubuque. it's why i moved. or maybe i was just bored, i don't know.
    
90. i have two bedrooms: a summer room and a winter room. i sleep in the winter room.
91. i've had two cavities.
92. sometimes when i'm nervous i chew my bottom lip.
93. i love gangster rap. i really like all kinds of music.
    
94. i can be sort of arrogant. it's an act. i'm really not, but it's my self defense mechanism.
95. i will forever be in debt to the goverment for student loans.
96. i'm not a very good driver.
97. i hate having my picture taken.
98. no cake tastes as good as wedding cake. wanna get married?
99. i crack myself up. i am so freakin' funny.
100. i like my hair.

i'm spent. g'nite. muah!

i heart ziti

i make kick-ass ziti.

i'll thump your bass, you little bastard

i'm not pondering life anymore. i want to go back to school. i actually like school, i like going to school, i like complaining about school and worrying about school. i'm good at it. so there. it's decided. as long as things work out like i want them to. there are quite a few things that have to happen (and things that have to be sold because i don't want to herniate my family members by asking them to help me move...again). but there also some doors that i need to close, permanently.

but i also thought you should know that i'm not all roses all the time. i know i'm awesome, i know you know i'm awesome, but i thought i should let you in on a little secret, and this is just between us, otay? sometimes, i just suck. for no real reason, i just get shitty. so i'd apologise in advance except that i don't accept blanket apologies and therefore i don't expect you to either. but i do feel that there are some things that you should be made aware of, that way they don't become dealbreakers down the road. these are just some habits i possess that i've been told can be annoying...

1. i take off my shoes in really inconsiderate places. like in front of doors, in the middle of rugs, or in the center of hallways with the lights off. it's not on purpose.
   
2. sometimes i won't do laundry for a week or two and then i'll do it all at once. sometimes i do laundry everyday, almost compulsively, without warning. sometimes i do it at really odd hours at night.
3. i will leave bad food in the fridge rather than putting it in the trash if i think it might smell. instead, i'll put in the trash only right before i take the trash outside.
4. i'm sort of meticulous about the wrong things. like it doesn't bother me to pay my car payment a few days (ahem) late but i'll rip somebody's head off if my bath towels are folded the wrong way.
5. i shed. a lot. i have a lot of hair. i'm sorry.
6. i don't like to talk in the morning. i need time.
7. for some reason, i'm compelled to keep paper shopping bags. and even scarier, i keep them beside the dryer, creating a major fire hazard. i don't need them and i won't use them. but i'll keep them.
8. sometimes, i won't talk at all and i'll just sit on the sofa and watch movies over and over and over. or sportscenter. don't interrupt this. i'm okay. but i'm not going anywhere. at least not until the next day.
9. i'm sort of a slob. i hate dusting. i hate mopping. however, i will vacuum, no worries. and dirty wc's gross me out.
10. i require a lot of space in the bathroom. it has to do with having a lot of hair. don't ask questions.
11. i like all my cans to face one way in the cabinet and i group them by type and/or meal.
12. somedays, i refuse to answer the door and possibly the telephone. just because i can.

that covers the important stuff. that i can think of right now.

so my little brother got fired. we worked together, at least we did until yesterday. i guess poor attendance finally caught up with jorge, because no one bought his "my car won't start" phone call on tuesday morning. i guess i got sort of crappy with him when i called him to ask about it, but he was equally shitty with me in return. i'm no perfect attendance queen, ha - not even close. but i'm upset for a couple of reasons. one really has nothing to do with him. my evil spawn of satan supervisor fired him at like 0800 - he prolly wasn't even awake and she knew it. she also waited for a week when his biggest fan and defender wasn't there to help. i hate her. not just for this. for a lot of reasons. she *is* the coming of the beast, when i see her i look for headless horsemen and locusts and shit. gah. but jorge knew that in the probationary period she didn't have to have a reason to pay down the gauntlet. and i honestly liked having him around. i guess i'm upset that he didn't take it just a little more seriously. but it's a little late know. he could prolly get on at comair if he'd just pick up the phone...

three more days and then i don't have to work for many days in a row. rock. that's good because i'm tired. i'm going to bed now.

i feel like things are looking up

really, i do. i made a decision this evening. nothing is definite, nothing is even close to being completed. but things are going to change. for once, i'm going to consider someone other than me. i'm not ready to divulge to anyone what i'm thinking, but it's good. and it's a change i need. i'm ready for it. more on this to come...

today i can't be quiet. maybe tomorrow.

you'd expect me to say something today, wouldn't you? today of all days, today i get nostalgic and thankful, this day, every year. today is my "i'm happy i'm alive" day, no matter how bad things are going. today is an anniversary i wish i didn't have but one that i can't ignore. i'm 12 years happy to be alive, happy to be here, happy to be me.

so. today i'm going to discuss all the reasons i have to be happy, all the things i have to be thankful for. or at least the top 10 things that i'm most thankful for. tomorrow i can discuss things that aren't so great. i may blog again at midnight... hehehehe...

so. here the are the top 10 things i'm thankful for today, in no particular order.

1. i have a place to live and food to eat. i have the basic comforts in life and then some.
2. i am so thankful for my family; they love and care for me, support me no matter what.
3. i have fabulous friends that i would do anything for and they feel the same way about me.
4. i'm healthy.
5. i'm intelligent.
6. i'm thankful for blue skies, green grass, heavy snow, warm blankets and hot summer nights.
7. i'm thankful for my work, i enjoy it and it allows me to see the world.
8. i'm thankful for the experiences i've had and the people i've known and loved. those experiences have left me with memories i'll cherish and have molded the person i am today.
9. i'm thankful for hot showers and bubble baths.
10. i'm thankful for the future. i have so many options, so many choices, so many things i could do. if my life isn't good, i can change it.

i'm happy. and now i'm getting ready to go to bed. g'nite.

in the arms of sleep

Sleep will not come to this tired body now

Peace will not come to this lonely heart

There are some things Ill live without

But I want you to know that I need you right now

I need you tonite

I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves

cause Ill always miss her wherever she goes

And Ill always need her more than she could ever need me

I need someone to ease my mind

But sometimes a someone is so hard to find

And Ill do anything to keep her here tonite

And Ill say anything to make her feel alright

And Ill be anything to keep her here tonite

cause I want you to stay, with me

I need you tonite

She comes to me like an angel out of time

As I play the part of saint on my knees

There are some things Ill live without

But I want you know that I need you right now

And Ill do anything to keep her here tonite
And Ill say anything to make her feel alright
And Ill be anything to keep her here tonite
cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite

Suffer my desire

Suffer my desire for you

***

...if i could find someone to sing this to me, i'd love them forever...

...unconditionally...

...wholly and truly...

oh baby, oh baby

i'm sick. i'm dying. i wish i had someone here to watch over me, bring me water and kleenex and make sure i'm still breathing. someone to tell me i'm beautiful even though i'm sick and icky. oh baby, oh baby, you could be the one i dream about, the one i need.

so i mentioned i purchased a new dvd player, but i failed to mention the circumstances around bringing the dvd player home. it came in a box, obviously. a small cardboard box. a small cardboard box that said 'caution' and 'do not drop' and 'use care in opening', things like that. i know because i read it. i read it as i was walking up the stairs. i read it as i fell, on the box, as i was walking up the stairs. yup. it still works, it works quite well, but the box is all smashed up and shredded. and so is my knee. but i can watch dvds, goddamn it. and that was the entire point. except that now, while i watch dvds i have to ice my knee. but it will pass.

today i have done nothing but loaf. and it's felt good. i did shower. and i did get dressed. in fact, i even went to the ice cream store for lunch and got the mail. and then i came right back here and continued to loaf. i even got the good parking spot outside. rock the hell on. so far, i don't have any goals for tomorrow. perhaps i'll get up, perhaps i'll go to work. i'm undecided.

welcome back

i think i hear the welcome back kotter theme song. :)

i've been ignoring my blog for a while. purposely. the drama got to be too much for me. and for some others, too. once again, let me reiterate that i write what i write for me. not for you. this is my way to process the things that happen in my daily life. the little things. the big things. the significant and the insignificant, it's all here and it's all mine. the thing that bothers me is that there are some people that used to read this in order to gather information - evidence - to use against me. i'd like to think that people are better than that or that they have better things to do with their time. once again, i'm wrong. so. i'm back. and armed with the knowledge that this behavior will most likely continue. but i'm not going to let those small people keep me from doing what i want to do and what i need to do.

so. let me step down from my soapbox. let me step back and look at what's happened in the last few weeks. i have lots of things to write about.

i'm now fulltime at eagle. i got put in a gravy slot with money hours. suh-weet. :) if there was one good thing to come out of my best good work friend getting canned, it's that i'm suck-up enough to get his line without having to rebid. it's all about knowing the right people and being at the right place at the right time and i happen to be pretty good at both. i mean come on. i'm like fourth from the bottom of the fulltime senior list and i got a 1030 to 1900 shift with friday/saturday off. that's money, baby.

[as i write, i'm scanning nigel's computer for bugs and viruses. i think she has one. but the scan makes the computer hang every few seconds and i type ahead of what i can see and it's bothering me.]

one month out of 12: rent paid. cha-ching! now i only have to worry about 11 more months. one of 12, that's like 8.33 percent or something like that. i'm now 8.33 percent of the way through my lease. and then i can move. i'm going to move to somewhere warm. i'm tired of this cold and it's only the third of november. i want to take a transfer to somewhere west or south. none of this ord crapola. i'm over that. i want warm and sunshine and blue skies and beach. i want to live near the water. i want to smell the salt in the air and feel the salt on my skin. i miss the beach. only 11 more months and i'm out of here.


i had to call roberto to write a check for me because all my money has been accumulating on the breakfast bar in my house. a small pile of checks and no where to put them because i closed all my bank accounts. i finally got one opened but not in time to get my own checks printed so i gave roberto a check made out to me and he gave me a check made out to my landlord. and yes, i do enjoy making things difficult.

i got mason a friend. her name is mischa and she's a doll. she's all black, jet black with just a few white hairs under her chin. she's small, only about seven months old. she purrs constantly and makes a squeaking noise when she jumps. she makes a pig noise the rest of the time. she makes me laugh. mason, however, has gone from hissing to biting. he lurks around the corner from the bedroom, waiting for her to come out and then he pounces on her, his 16 pounds overtaking her small six. but at least she fights back. no blood. yet. i figure as long as they're not dead it's okay. i think that's what my mom used to think about us kids, too.

i had to order new work pants. i tore my last good pair on a suitcase at work the other day. that pissed me off. and my other favorite pair lost a belt loop. and my other favorite pair lost a cuff because they were too long and i walked it out and shredded it. it looks awesome. so my new pants should arrive today. i'm having them delivered to job #2 because that's where i'm sitting and rotting, currently. better here than baggage claim.

suddenly i'm hungry for warm homemade cookies. chocolate chip. peanut butter. and cold milk. skim. YUM. oooh, momma just called and i'm getting homemade chicken and noodles for lunch. rock the hell on.

job #2. i'm back at it. back to babysitting grown men and pretending to know what the hell i'm talking about. think about it: do you really want me taking part in your financial future? shit i don't even want me messing with my financial future. if i could have someone else manage my money or lack thereof, life would be good. i need a fulltime accountant. and a cleaning lady. i want a staff. i want an entourage. i need an assistant to make sure i get out of bed every day on time so i'm not late for work. and then i need someone just to praise and compliment me. i don't know what their title would be, maybe positive reinforcement coach? so already, with my accountant and my housekeeper and my personal assistant and my positive reinformcement coach, i've employed a small lithuanian family. i could also use a mechanic, a therapist, a hairdresser and a dj. i could have a gross national product that envies that of the country of belgium. but first i need money. and then i'm going to need a parking lot for all these people. so lets hear it for job #2!

i bought a dvd player. a cheapie waldoworld special. and it works with my tv. hallelujah! i watched anchorman and office space the other night in celebration. it was special. i get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. i still haven't watched walk the line and i think aunt shelly is wanting it back.

i haven't been drinking for a week now. the last time i went drinking was at catherine's bonfire. quite a few work people were there, and lots of the nwa folks that are losing their jobs. there was a uniform burning and a sing-a-long and when they broke out the 5$ gallon of tequila and the shot glasses i knew it was time to go. i can do shots. but not tequila shots. that's a painful hangover. catherine's birthday a few weeks ago left me sleeping it off with lindsey's dog in urbandale. i must have wrestled her dog for an hour; my fleece will never be the same. there are dog hairs permanently embedded in it. there's something about catherine that tends to get me in trouble. the first time i ever went out with catherine i nearly got in a fight with a bartender and then we got tossed out of perkins. she's trouble, i tell you. i'm innocent. :)

i love homemade chicken and noodles. and mashed potatoes with no lumps. that's the greatest thing ever. today anyway. i'm working like crazy this weekend. 8 hours at job#2, then five at job #1. tomorrow: more of the same, eight hours at job #2, six and half at job #1. sunday: eight hours at job #1, then i get to sleep. yay for sleep. i could use some sleep. i can always use some sleep.

so here i am at job #2. my soon-to-be-maybe?-ex-father-in-law was just here. he sold the race car and the pete wagon to the godfather. it's sad. it's like everything is ending all at once. i love jerry, i always will. he's an amazing person with an amazing amount of patience and humility. i know i've hurt them, and that makes me feel horrible because that was never my intention. so many things have happened and so many of them have strayed from the way i intended for them to play out. i can't change things so wishing they were different is a waste of energy and time. i guess all i can do is take what i have and enjoy it. everthing happens for a reason. some reasons just aren't crystal clear. this one sure wasn't.

i miss eric. i miss us. i miss the things we used to laugh about and the jokes we used to share. i miss a body next to me at night. i miss the feeling of someone caring about me. i've missed this for a long time, a lot longer than we've actually been apart. we weren't well for a long time prior to moving out, we were emotionally separated before we physically separated. but it still hurts. it hurts a lot. to compound this trouble, i'm not good at being alone. i've never been alone for long, i've never had to. i think i need to. i think it will be good for me.

which is why i've neglected calling some people the last few weeks. i'm not ready to feel anything for anyone. not even you.

i've fallen hard

i quit. those things that are beyond me - they're just that. there's nothing i can do to control other people, to change what they do or say. what i can change is how i let it affect me. and i'm done. you can be my friend or you can bat for the other team. i'm going to be okay either way. i have people that care about me and will help me. it's that "forest for the trees" thing. sometimes i can't see what's right in front of me. sometimes you just have to wave your hands and yell to get my attention.

i'm feeling pretty low right now. granted, some of this is self induced, self inflicted, no one's fault but mine. those are the issues i can fix. everything else is out of my control. i'm tired of the drama. i know who's toxic to my wellbeing - i know who's good for me and who's not. now i just need to convince my heart that what's happening is happening for a good reason.

i'm going to be okay. time will help. time and ice cream. :D