you're not the boss of me!

oh dear. its thursday, four days before christmas, and i'm home from work because i'm sick (but feeling a little better). i'm a horrible sick person - i'm whiny and nasty and dramatic - so i pity the people that are stuck with me for the next nine months. but i've got to get my shit together at work. i don't think i'm in any danger of losing my job; my boss is a good person and i think she understands, but that goodwill is shortlived, i'm sure. so i'm just going to start tossing cookies into the garbage can under my desk and hoping for the best, coworkers be damned.

god, that sounds absolutely disgusting.

so the bee and i have been better. i think some parental intervention (from my parents and his) have brought his attitude around somewhat. i think he finds me frustrating, being sick and/or asleep all the time. i have an ever-growing list of smells that i absolutely cannot stand right now and most of his favorite foods are on it. i'm a hormonal head trip most of the time and when i'm not, i'm asleep. i can't seem to get enough sleep. which leaves little time for extracurricular activities, if you know what i mean, dude. but between the sore boobs and the sensitive olfactory glands, this just isn't the time for love.

apparently we got plenty of that a few weeks ago, anyway...

but in all seriousness, he is coming around. he made dinner last night and offered the night before that. he's been nothing but sweet, and when we argue, he apologizes, even when i think i'm probably the one to be apologizing. he says he's excited and seems interested in my ongoing quest for information about this whole "baby" process. i'm buying books and scouring the web for information and then i'm sharing the particularly interesting and/or scary things with him. and he's taking it like a champ. i showed him the pictures of how big baby is (or is not, really) at this stage and we both agreed it's pretty amazing the way the whole thing works.

i guess the biggest surprise i've experienced is just realizing how much i care about him, even if he's not perfect and not the one i would have expected to be with me when this happened. does that sound bad? i don't mean it that way. i think we both came into this relationship with pretty low expectations where the future was concerned. and while we each have to take a certain amount of responsibility for making a baby, i think there must be a reason for this to happen now and a reason for us to be together. and i'm happy about that. happy doesn't even really describe it. i'm ecstatic, i'm thrilled, i'm just in awe of the entire thing. and he seems to be happy about it too. which is a good thing, because we sure can't change it now.

so i have been reading all these baby books. i bought the "what to expect", which left me pretty freaking confused on a lot of things. and then i bought the "mayo clinic guide", which cleared up a lot of the confusion. did you know that fish was bad for you right now? and can i tell you that ever since i have read that sentence, i have never been hungrier for fish in my entire life. doesn't that just suck. and soda. i want nothing but soda. but i'm making do, i'm eating my 12 ounces of seafood per week and drinking water and milk and sugar free kool-aid instead. but come 26 aug or whenever the day after happens to be, i am going to gorge myself on grilled shrimp and scallops and salmon and guzzle soda.

anyway, the second book, the mayo clinic book, has these adorable little pictures in it of what it looks like at week 5 (my week) and week six and week seven... i've never had more respect for the human body after reading these books and looking at these images. it is nothing short of a miracle that all this works the way that it does. now, i do have a hard time keeping that in mind as i swallow my vitamins with the stool softener (as if i've ever had trouble in that department!) and drink enough milk to choke a horse. but it's just amazing. and i feel pretty good, pretty lucky, even though at the moment i'm physically feeling a little ucky.

so i'm going to drag myself out of bed this evening and go do a little christmas shopping. i don't have a lot of money (which seems to be going around this year) and i'm trying to convince the bee that i don't want him to get me anything because i'm not getting anything for him. i don't think he's listening to me. but in the next year, we're going to have plenty of opportunities to buy things that we're going to need. we might as well hang on to the money now.

anyway. i haven't puked in a few hours and my bathroom trips are getting to be fewer and further between. i'm going to bundle up, face the cold and the jerk-offs at the mall and pick up a few small things that i know i need to get. wish me luck.

i want to wear the gold medal... naked.

welcome back, boys and girls. it's been a while. have you missed me? don't lie. you know you missed me. i've missed me and i've been with me all weekend. and what a weird weekend it was. i could tell you about it, but i don't want to harm innocent parties. i don't even really want to harm the guilty parties...

but it was fun. so did i tell you that my schedule at work got changed? yeah, it did. and i was fully aware of it but for some reason it didn't sink in that it was taking effect last saturday. so last saturday i was three hours late for work. after the warning my adorable boss gave me that one more occurrance would be my last occurance and most likely my last day, i was happy to learn that ignorance and illiteracy are not cause for an unexcused absence and i'm still employed. at least i think i am. i guess i'll know for sure when i try to go to work on thursday.

so saturday, i worked for three hours, drove back to so. iowa for three hours and got my drink on... a little more than usual, even. it was a messy, messy evening. but it was a fun evening. bacardi and cola and (a few too many) southern hospitality make the janel an interesting girl. interesting to hang out with, interesting to talk to, and definitely interesting to find in a truck at 0400 in the morning. but such is my life and the lives of those that choose to hang out with me...

sunday, i woke up to like 17 missed phone calls because my phone had been on silent and so had my alarm, which means that i also overslept and woke up in a panic. got to work, napped in the parking lot and woke up realizing that i'd lost my license and my debit card the night before, but retracing my steps i remembered where they were and who to contact to get them back, even though that's a little weird because he's got a wifey that answers the phone. ('yeah, hi, i'm the superjanel, and i used to go to school with you and i hated you then and i still don't really like you, but can i talk to your husband? i think he has something of mine that i left in his truck last night when we were out drinking until dawn and i'd like to get them back...') yeah. that makes for good conversation. in southern iowa, those are grounds for murder. i've prolly got a hit out on me. damn it. thanks reent.

sunday was a long day. hungover, tired as crap, couldn't wait to go home and go to bed. but i did make it through my downloaded episode of the office, which was great, because how often do you really get to hear someone say 'i accidentally cross-dressed today.' i'm going to try that out on someone.

monday. monday morning i drove back down to c-town to work job #2. not a very interesting day, pretty slow. gran massa and i managed to piss off my mom beyond recognition and i realized that not every one appreciates my sense of humor. and i know not everyone appreciates the gran massa's. (just apologize, dude. just do it.) so i'm still feeling bad about that. monday afternoon i drove to the dutch village of all that is holy, misspelled, hidden back in the back of the closet and fucking overpriced, with nigel and her crew. ate ice cream and cheese with snackmaster bob and then went to see roberto and his new pad, which is adorable and i cannot wait to sleep on his sofa! monday night i talked to baxter and told him about the dream of the century i had the night before. holy crap, i can't even think about it right now because i'm supposed to be all presentable and stuff... LOL. just a few more days. i'm so excited! :D

tuesday. today. got a phone call from my momma at quarter after one this morning. she wanted to know where i was, she was worried. i don't generally laugh at this type of thing, it's not good to worry my mom, but it cracked me up because i was upstairs sleeping in my old room. got phone calls at 0300, 0330, 0415, 0500, 0600, 0630 and 0700. not even phone calls i wanted (there are some people i'd talk to at any hour - sleeping or not, but this is not one of them). someone wants to know where i am - at that hour? are you kidding me? dumbass, i'm sleeping and i wish you were too so you'd quit drunk dialing me in the middle of the damn night. gahhh! go home and beat your wife, isn't that what you're supposed to be doing after you've been out all night - not calling me to tell me weirdo things... i just want my driver's license back.

spent some of the morning on the phone with my attorney. boys and girls, i've got an announcement to make, are you ready for this?

~*~*~*~i'm officially single.~*~*~*~

yup. done. over. no more. i'm keeping the last name because no one can pronounce or spell my old one, but sistas, i'm out. i'm done. i'm free. and it feels good. it feels really good. on my way home from work tonight i have to stop and sign one piece of paper and then i'm finished. it's been a long time coming but it's for the best. do i harbor bad feelings? meh. not really worth it. takes to much energy to hate someone and i'd rather spend that energy on other things and other people. i feel great about this. and then after i get home tonight me and the roommate are tying one on in honor of my newfound freedom. woohoo!

and then i'm going home and drunk dialing my .... friend. :)

what do you call someone in a situation like this? friend is the only thing that seems to make sense and even then, it feels a little.... weird. i don't like my friends this way, you know? i'm leaving in a few days for the big "meeting" and i'm nervous as a whore in church about the whole thing. but it'll be fun... i'm really looking forward to this. it's time to meet new people, try new things, see new places.

except for canada. fuck those canadians and their bacon.

i'm out kiddos. off to find things to do.

love,

superfreakinfinallysingleandi'mheadedtovirginiajanel

xoxoxoxo

sunshine i'm just bored, i'm just checkin' out...

i'm tired of driving. it's all i do anymore. drive, drive, drive. it's a bad thing when you're so used to being in a car that you have to really put energy into concentrating on the road - shouldn't that be the first concern of someone behind the wheel of a car? not for me lately. i talk, i sing, i dance, i read, i eat, i drink - everything but pay attention to the road. i am a menace in a rendezvous. look out, fellow highway cruisers.

today was job #2 today. i enjoy job #2 because it gives me a chance to spend time with my mom and generally other family members. like today i saw jordy laforge and steph, i haven't seen them in a while. and nigel, i got to spend time with nigel. i miss these people! i get my minimum recommended weekly dose and no more. i fully expected to be in trouble, as much as a 27-year-old human can be in trouble, i guess, by my mom for going to canada in the middle of a snowstorm in april in a car with no insurance. yeah, that sort of happened. and then we had a talk. a good talk. she wonders why her children have no common sense, but i think most of that comes with life experience and the rest is bullshit and timing. it's something you can't self-apply - kind of like self tan lotion. you need someone to tell you if you have any glaring white spots that you just can't see yourself. common sense is the same thing - while you have the basic comments, you need someone to come along and fill in the holes and even things out. for me, that's my mom.

finally got my taxes done. i procrastinate even on things that could potentially benefit me. not that it did, but it could have...

do people ever surprise you? because sometimes they surprise the holy shit out of me. i'm talking about several situations/conversations that have occurred over the last few days, all revolving around people in my life.

one... i tried to do something really nice for someone today; i tried to make a dent in a hurt that this person had indicated had bothered them for a long time. i was met with no enthusiasm or response and now my feelings are hurt. isn't that dumb? my feelings are hurt because my friend can be insensitive? there's something not right about that.

two... i came clean in the proverbial sense to another friend today about a situation that lingers over my head for just a little bit longer. i feel better about airing this but i feel bad for dumping it onto an unsuspecting person's shoulders. i guess that's one way to find out how big one's shoulders really are... the nice thing was that my friend didn't get all zinged out, didn't call me names and actually related that he is somewhat of a normal person as well. it's good to know.

three... it's nice to be trusted. it's a nice feeling when someone seeks you out to share their day and their experience and lets you know that they trust you.

i need to go to bed. i'm considering turning over a new leaf and i tend to think that this happens before the afternoon newscast. i've set an alarm. i'll let you know how this goes...

i can categorically say you are not a bigger bananahead.

my brother's couch was comfortable but nothing is as comfortable as my bed. i love my bed. i love my comforter and my sheets and my pillows and my blankets. my cats are currently making me crazy but i think that's because they missed me and they had to spend time with the roommate if they wanted any human attention. not that that's such a bad thing, but he plays a little rough with the kitties - he's a dog person more than a cat person and he sort of freaks them out. ha. some days he sort of freaks me out, no lie. but whatever.

only three days until i'm officially thirty minus three. icky. i love birthdays but i think they were more fun when i was a kid and they involved lots of cake and ice cream and slumber parties and roller rinks and board games and horror movies and truth or dare and 11 screaming girls in the basement of my house and my mom threatening to use benadryl to shut us up if we didn't go to sleep. now, birthdays are just friends that want to take me out and feed me drinks, which is not birthday specific but not necessarily unappreciated. but since 99.9 percent of my friends live hours from me, i have to figure out how to get my stupid ass back home or find a place to sleep it off. and then it just becomes a chore. so this week i'm considering traveling - as my benefits have not been taken away just yet - to see a couple of friends doing tdy. so we can all drink until we're retarded in a new city and then crash at the hotel. that sounds like birthday fun to me. :)

as long as i'm back early enough on friday to clean house and prepare for my parents weekend visit. i don't think roommate is much in the cleaning department. or the unpacking department. i'm tired of looking at boxes. i'm going to put all his unpacked boxes on his bed today. that will be fun. hehehe...

i wish itunes would ask me a couple more times if i'm really sure i want to purchase a song before they download it for me. right now, they ask, 'are you sure?' and that's it. when i say yes, it's all, BANG. download city. i want them to say, 'are you really sure?' and then 'are you really, really sure?' and then 'are you really fucking sure?' because this week i spent an awful amount of dollars on itunes and i didn't even realise i was doing it because it's just too easy. yes, click, yes, click, yes, click. OMG. i spent how much? and they don't take returns.

things to do. i've been putting off homework for like two weeks now. old habits die hard.

what's with today today?

i had a long, beautiful eloquent post written. but ie crashed and took my unpublished post with it. fucking whores. so rather than rewrite the entire thing, because 1) words of such a poetic nature could never be rewritten and 2) i don't really remember everything i wrote about, i'll just give you a highlights paragraph and go from there...

• it's fucking cold.
• i'm fucking cold.
• it's fucking cold outside.
• it's fucking cold inside too.
• it's not going to warm up any time soon.
• i hate winter.
• my brother's sofa is absolutely hideous.
• but it's really comfy.
• i slept well.
• no naps behind the country kitchen for me today. :)
• and i didn't stab him.
• i don't even know what a shank is.
• my nose ring doesn't hurt today.
• and it's fucking cold.

i think that about covers it. there was some other stuff too, some whining about work and blah, blah, blah, but that's pretty typical and i can dish that shit out anytime, anywhere.

going on 1400. only one more hour of work and then i'm going shopping. shopping warms the soul, doesn't it? maybe that was soup. shit, i don't know. i have an asston of homework to do and i'm not going to get it done until absolute last minute because that's how i roll.

word.

i wore my starfish shoes the other day and my toe's all still broken, right? yeah, not a good idea. but my feet looked really cute. never mind that i couldn't walk upright, i was limping so bad. my shoes were cute and that's the main idea.

i have a friend that wants to set me up. i don't know if this is a good idea. ugh. i'm just now getting over my last blind date... that was about seven years ago.

61 minutes until shopping. 56 days until opening day. rock.

peas out.

love, superfreakinshortattentionspanjanel

a girl's got to have her shoes

look at this shit. aren't these hot? are you wondering what those are, on my new shoes?

those are angry little muscley starfish. hehehe...

now check these out.

these are my new superstars. with pink argyle stripes. i am so cool it's disgusting.

and aren't those socks just amazing? :)

i'm okay with being unimpressive.

i was up most of the night last night reading last night. mom gave me a book, 'the tenth circle', and it's incredibly involving. i think it was about 0400 when i finally put it down. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and i want to be reading it now but i've promised myself that any reading that i do now will be of the homework variety and there will be no other reading until my homework reading is done. my textbooks are about as dry and uninteresting as my classes; this has to get better - it's going to get better, right? this monday night class, especially this monday night class is going to kill me, of nothing else but sheer malaise. thinking about it this very second makes me yawn uncontrollably. i also have to go to the bathroom, but i don't think that's connected to thinking about monday night class. hmmm...

so today i accomplished things. i rose before noon (thank you kitties) and left the house before noon and spent dollars before noon. i went to lowe's and bought a showerhead, and i'll be damned if that's not the easiest fucking thing to install. the new one is wonderfuckingful. the old one was nice... at first. it was sort of a sharp sprayer - one of those ones that loofahs off all your dead skin. and then on day two, when you don't have any skin left, it starts to sort of hurt. so i wasn't going to take it anymore. so i went lowe's and bought a new one. and brought it home and took a shower in the rain, because that's why i bought it, apparently it feels similar to showering in the rain. except i'm not outside and it's not really rain and i wouldn't really know what that feels like anyway. :)

i also went to best buy (hehehe...) and borders and target. it's dangerous to live in a city where such things are just available. because when you live an hour away, you plan a trip and decide if the things you think you need are really things you need. chances are, they're not, and you don't make the trip to the big city and you save yourself the gas and time and energy. now it's like, ooh, starbucks might still be open. and 100$ later i have a grande iced caramel macchiato and 94$ in dvds that i really like but didn't necessarily need.

i'm going to need a job.

clean up in aisle five. LOL. mason just barfed on the grand massa champ's bed. i cleaned it up, because it's my cat and i'm responsible for him. but if the grand massa champ tosses cookies too, i'm not in charge of clean up for that one. he's on his own. :) he shouldn't complain too much; it was solid at least and not that runny green shit he has been barfing. somebody brought houseplants into the house even though i strongly advised that anything leafy, green, and not kept in the crisper drawer of the fridge is just considered kitty salad no matter what height at which it is kept. so of course, kitties have been munching away and i've been cleaning up nasty green puke all week. neat-o-fun.

today i had a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich on toast. yummy. i really should just spread peanut butter and mayo on my ass and wait for it to dry but i prefer to take the indirect route with my fats. i was reading that elvis used to eat fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. yum...

so for now, i'm signing off. i'm accumulating a list of things to do in the morning, such as wash someone else's bed sheets. fucking cat.

peas out.
love,
superfreakinsickofkittypukejanel

i got to say, today was a good day

i got sleep.
i got cute new jeans. (on sale even!)
i got a place to live. (and i have two bedrooms and two (little) closets.)
i had chicken nachos for lunch. yummy.
i had good hair today.
i sold my dining room table and an assload of longaberger!

i so rock.

come on boy, she's ready for you.

i read about the most interesting jobs today. they're with raytheon, which as i understand it and i could be wrong is a giant conglomerate company that contracts for the government. but they're in antarctica. wouldn't that be the coolest? no pun intended, sorry. i could be a line cook at the south pole. seriously, that's a job they offer. or i could do corporate communications at the south pole. i'd just have to find some gloves i can type in, because i can't type in my mittens. or my candy cane gloves, i tried that at work and it didn't go so well. i can't even text in my gloves. gah.

roberto and i just made the stupidist trip ever to dsm, it was retarded. it took longer to get there and get back than we actually spent within city limits. dumb. he was going to try to bribe some poor schmuck to sell him some jordans before they actually come out next week and that bright idea failed so fast, neither of us really knew what to do. so we got some starbucks and left. we had mexican in the dutch village tonight. that was good. last night i tried to call pizza hut but they wouldn't answer, which i don't understand because it was within the constraints of their clearly defined "business" hours, but i took it as a sign and instead went to buy groceries, which consisted of about 12 frozen dinners and milk and cat litter. and cheese. i love cheese.

no chocolate milk today. i'm convinced there's something in there that's not good for me, but i don't know what it is.

okay you bastards. how come my crap on ebay isn't selling? go bid. you're helping a good cause (me) do good things (pay my rent). go bid! do it. DO IT.

i got new books today. i've been scraping the bottom of the barrel as far as reading material is concerned (does barrell have two L's, because one doesn't look right but two really don't look right either, god, where is mrs. thompson when i need her? gahhh.), the last book i read was some stupid waste of money about the real lives of sorority girls and it didn't do anything to dispute the already bad opinion that i and most other human beings have about them. omg, that's all one sentence. mrs. thompson would fail me for that.

the misty party wagon may morph into a misty party golf cart, which is hilarious when i think about it. the godfather has a golf cart he may let us use for an evening or two, which would be great except i want to paint it pink and glittery and i don't think he'd like that too much. but really it's completely appropriate when you stop to think that boy and the waiter will prolly be riding around on it all next summer. ohh, that's mean. i shouldn't play that way. but i will. i want to have the "hub" (omg that's funny) put headlights on it and roberto says as long as we have a flag we ought to be fine. but the godfather wants to check out the laws pertaining to driving a golf cart on the streets locally. i told him not to bother, we'll just drive through people's yards.

i cashed in my change jar today, actually it's a fish. i have a giant red glass fish in which i keep all my spare change. well, i did, but today i cashed in the change and now the fish is empty. there was like 160$ in there, which is rock star cool, because NO ONE IS BIDDING ON MY EBAY CRAP.

okay. so a pirate walks in to a bar and he's got the steering wheel for a boat attached to the crotch of his pants. and the bartender says, 'hey man, you've got a boat steering wheel attached to your dick.' and the pirate says, 'aarrrrrrr, it's driving me nuts.'

i'm going to go watch movies and earn badges on pogo. another exciting friday night. gotta love it. peas out, bitches. muah!

champ i ate your chocolate squirrel. sorry.

okay. i'm no longer busy, so i'm back.

so. today, the nice but undate-able guy at work once again sought me out in my baggage haven to prove what, i don't know, perhaps that he has an infallible sense of direction that brings him in from the cold and into the building. i really don't know why else he keeps showing up, unless my saying 'hello' gives him the right to stalk me. okay. not fair. stalker is a little harsh. he's not stalking me, but he does cause me to think a little bit more carefully about the time of day that i leave. because if i time it just right, i don't have to see him. because i don't want to see him. ugh.

what else? my best good work friend took off the other day on a little mini vacation. to florida? nope. to chicago? nope. to lax? nope. the weirdo took off to senegal. i don't even know where that is. okay, now i do. thanks google. he's been there for about a day and a half or something like that and now he's on his way home. what's the point? why africa? i guess why not but still.

okay. so i had this dream the other night that i was playing basketball with roberto, and for those of you that know me, playing basketball is actually not the weird part of this dream, and i ended up breaking my ankle. cast and crutches and all. so the thing that upset me in this particular dream was the fact that i couldn't get up or down my stairs. i live on the third floor. it was impossible. i was disabled, temporarily, and i was pissed about it. in fact, i was still pissed when i woke up. and then i realized, it wasn't the broken foot that i was upset about or even the cast or the crutches. it was the fact that i live alone and i'm afraid of something like that happening. what would i do? i don't know. but since my foot's not broken i'm not really going to worry about it. but i'm also not going to be playing basketball anytime soon. you're surprised, aren't you?

sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

so obviously, as it's the seventh of december, i've paid my rent. which puts me 16.333 percent through my lease and 16.333 percent closer to getting out of iowa. yay me. i don't know where i'm going, yet, but it's going to be warm and within a 30 minute drive to a large body of water. and i don't mean lake red rock. although it's a nice lake, and goddamnit, it's the biggest manmade lake in iowa, you bastard, it's no pacific ocean.

get out here, panda-jerk.

oh? remember my mentioning a pathetic 90s white rapper? yeah, i couldn't come up with a better nickname for him, i wasn't feeling very creative at the time and right now i don't really care. regardless, he's all they say he is. i kind of like him; i may keep him around for a while.

okay. jazz flute. i have to go. peas out, fellers.

hot glacier on glacier action.

today was so incredibly boring. i only took like two bag claims all day long and i was soooo tired and for no good reason, really. i slept in this morning, which was kind of nice but doesn't even compare to the sleeping in i plan on doing tomorrow. :) tonight i'm staying up late and watching movies and eating popcorn. and tomorrow i'm sleeping in. late. nowhere to be, nothing to do, i'm sleeping in. actually, i do have to be at the post office. i'm selling stuff on ebay again, nothing major just trying to make my car payment.

**sigh**

so again with the chocolate milk? yup. today is 07dec. the milk i drank this morning will expire on 27jan. that's like six weeks from today. so. tonight i went to the supermarket. i bought a gallon of milk. again, still, it's 07dec. the gallon of milk i bought tonight expires 21dec. that's 14 days. wtf? really, someone tell me how the hell that works. because i don't get it. i didn't see formaldehyde listed anywhere in the ingredients. i'm perplexed.

i'm too busy to write right now. bbl.

some would say i'm morally bankrupt

little do they know, they're half right.

again, i find myself perplexed by the chocolate milk i had for breakfast. today, 02dec, i had a bottle of chocolate milk with a sell by date of 14feb07. wtf? how is that possible? even though it's fat free and supposedly reduced calorie, it must be pumped full of formaldehyde or some similar preservative that keeps it from rotting right through the bottle. i highly doubt that something like this is good for me, yet i know this and i continue to drink the stuff. i'll be 27 when that shit goes bad. holy cannoli.

well, last night i did it again. and this morning, i undid the damage and i've vowed to not do it again. once again, the misty party wagon headed to dsm to get various body parts permanently altered. misty got her ear sticky outy thingy stabbed and decorated and i, once again, had brian at ink addiction put a needle through my nose. this time it freaking hurt. and this morning my nose was all swollen and red and not nice to look at. so i pulled it out and now i'm done. the placement was a little further forward than i would have preferred and i wonder if the fact that this nostril has already been pierced had anything to do with the swelling. so, whatever. i'm done. no more. although brian at ink addiction did do a good job. if i'd have left it alone, it would have looked nice. eventually. with the assistance of a little sea salt and warm water. and a lot of time. and maybe some painkillers.

i'm at job #2. we're making wreaths today. we're taking down the tacky red velvety stuff and replacing it with blue and silver. i feel i should participate in this because i'm not decorating my own home for the holidays this year. there are several reasons for this phenomenon, and it is truly a phenomenon, because i'm generally a christmas freak. one, i love christmas. i love the trees and the stockings and the wrapping paper and the whole nine yards. but, it's all very tempting for a new kitty. and i do think mischa would dismantle any decorations i did put up at home. two, i'm never home. it's silly to decorate and go all out when i'm the only one i'm decorating for and i'm not even there to see it, which is really reason number three as well. so there you go. no christmas tree for me this year. maybe next year.

okay. i'm going to go pretend to work now. ta ta!

i hella ♥ dsm

i snapped at a friend today. i don't think he initiated conversation with the intention of pissing me off but it didn't strike me well and then jumped down his throat and got all shitty real fast. it wasn't nice of me and i'm sorry i did it but i'm not in the mood to apologize just yet. i'm sort of reveling in the quiet that is mine, currently. as "quiet" as it can be around here, with the radio blasting and the tv blaring and the washing machine washing and the dryer drying and the cats hissing... it's actually not very quiet but it's my controlled chaos and mine alone.

besides, he's prolly already in bed, seeing as he has to get up at the absolute ass crack of dawn to go and be all deltamatic. but just in case you read this i am sorry i ripped your head off this afternoon. you didn't deserve it. i'm just being bitchy and crabby and there's really nothing you or anyone else can do to help.

see these dollars? this is the largest jackpot i won while i was in vegas. sad, isn't it? i agree. i am soooo happy to be home, i can't even begin to explain it. vegas is exhausting, mentally, physically and financially. the lights and sounds played havoc on my senses and it took a while to detox from the contstant neon and bells and flashing lights. it felt good to come home; it smells better here than out there. perhaps if i'd gotten out of the city and the hubbub and noise i would have enjoyed the trip more. but instead my little mini-vacation left me all jacked up like somebody who drinks only red bull with a chaser of stacker 2. and i couldn't find any goddamn stacker 2 in nevada. but i didn't look that hard either. i'll bet its out there somewhere.

it's icing outside and the wind is howling. however, one upside to living on the freakin third floor is that my heat is currently off and it's still 66 degrees in here. yay for my neighbors below. crank it baby, i may have to open the windows in celebration of our first winter storm. isn't that neat? actually with my super efficient pella windows, i don't even have to open them in order to feel the cool, 27-degree winter breeze. fuckers don't hold back hardly any of the wind. pella windows suck. that's one thing i will agree with you on, dear reader of mine. how ever, these thin panes of glass do allow me to listen to the dumb bastards attempting to drive on the ice rink that is east 13th street. it's kind of fun. i'm on my third crash sound now...

apparently i've never had all my clothes clean at once, like i do right now, for i find that i do not have enough hangers to accomodate my wardrobe. which is strange, because like last week, i had not only enough hangers, but about 30 left over. where were all these alleged dirty clothes? or did someone steal all my extra hangers? come forth, you stingy bastard! and bring back my hangers! my closet is a freaking disaster area. its not a bad sized lil' closet, i just have a lot of clothes in there. and many of them are green. and pink. and red. and black. not a lot of brown, but some. and some blue. not very much orange or yellow or purple, though. i don't look that great in orange or yellow and purple is just not my bag. at. all. blecch. i have to wear blue to work so i try not to wear blue on my days off. but it's just a mess and it makes me crazy. when i first moved in, i had all my clothes arranged by type, color and style. now it's just a fucking pile of crap in the middle of a small room with some shelves and a door that i can close so i don't have to look at it. gahhh.

this saturday is the christmas party! free drinks to be had for all! oh, you say you're not drinking? order one anyway and pass it down, sucka! let no drink go unfinished, no alcohol be wasted, especially not of the free variety. i like free. if it's free, it's me. and then i'm sure the misty party wagon will be making a stop somewhere, somewhere close to my home, i hope, but i'm not going to be picky. this morning i thought i had a dream that she called and told me that she and missy were on their way to ankeny to rescue a cube van. the macguyver-ish tools they had been given to complete their task consisted of 4 quarts of oil and a tow strap. and then the weird part happened. she advised that she is going out on friday with missy and the boys. aaack! then i realized it wasn't a dream and the entire situation was real, 4 quarts of oil, tow strap and all. i'm a little freaked out by this prospect. i think, and i'm still not sure but i can't think of a good reason why i would have imagined this except that maybe it really happened and i'm trying to imagine it didn't, that i was semi-molested in the back of a car last time that this situation came about. i'm generally smart enough to say no second time around, but it is the misty party wagon and it doesn't sound like bobfold will be around to drag her away and leave me at the mercy of the boys. i don't know. i'm still torn. maybe if i'm given 4 quarts of oil and a tow strap...

the monkey spanked my banana until it decomposed twice annually.

tomorrow we leave vegas. i'm happy. it's been too long and been too expensive. this town is crazy. but they say you need to experience it once. so i'm done. i could so easily have a gambling problem. thank god i only brought $68.

the amazing johnathan was good. the buffet was not good. i do not like the saraha. next time i want to stay at the venetian.

next time i will bring more money.

like $112.

i love neon lights.

there's nothing quite like getting drunk with your mom. and your brother. and your stepdad. but i didn't let that hold me back; in fact, it was her fault. she's the one that bought me the gallon size kamikaze mixed with hurricane. she's the one that made me drink it. i felt bad, it was expensive. so i bottoms-upped and they paid the price. everyone at the table wore shrimp legs and crab meat.

vegas is interesting. the lights are neat, the people are freaks. there's always something to do, even 24-hour bowling which i haven't been to yet. i've been to old vegas and to new vegas and i have yet to see elvis, except on slot machines where the fat bastard takes all my nickels and quarters. i've learned the hard way that 5$ machines are not my friends but i do dig the occasional 1$ machine for kicks. in general i prefer quarters. cor-tas. even though a max bet on a four reel machine really is a dollar, i still feel as though i'm being frugal. i came here with the intention of becoming rich and famous and i'm going home as un-rich and un-famous as i was when i arrived, but that's okay. it's been fun. tonight we're going to see the amazing johnathan and his sidekick psychic sandra. i hear it's a good show, even though roberto is the only one i've heard talking about it and he's a little biased; he's the one that bought the tickets.

my internal clock is all fcuked up. i'm sleeping until noon, iowa time and staying up til 0400 vegas time. it's going to be a difficult transition come wednesday morning.

i miss my kitties.

okay. time to go ride the gondola and drive hummers and find penguins in the desert. good day ladies and gents.

i'm not afraid of anything. what's your problem?

i've cleaned out all the pennies and dimes out of my sofa and out from underneath the seats of my car.

i'm going to come home rich and famous.

wish me luck.

welcome back

i think i hear the welcome back kotter theme song. :)

i've been ignoring my blog for a while. purposely. the drama got to be too much for me. and for some others, too. once again, let me reiterate that i write what i write for me. not for you. this is my way to process the things that happen in my daily life. the little things. the big things. the significant and the insignificant, it's all here and it's all mine. the thing that bothers me is that there are some people that used to read this in order to gather information - evidence - to use against me. i'd like to think that people are better than that or that they have better things to do with their time. once again, i'm wrong. so. i'm back. and armed with the knowledge that this behavior will most likely continue. but i'm not going to let those small people keep me from doing what i want to do and what i need to do.

so. let me step down from my soapbox. let me step back and look at what's happened in the last few weeks. i have lots of things to write about.

i'm now fulltime at eagle. i got put in a gravy slot with money hours. suh-weet. :) if there was one good thing to come out of my best good work friend getting canned, it's that i'm suck-up enough to get his line without having to rebid. it's all about knowing the right people and being at the right place at the right time and i happen to be pretty good at both. i mean come on. i'm like fourth from the bottom of the fulltime senior list and i got a 1030 to 1900 shift with friday/saturday off. that's money, baby.

[as i write, i'm scanning nigel's computer for bugs and viruses. i think she has one. but the scan makes the computer hang every few seconds and i type ahead of what i can see and it's bothering me.]

one month out of 12: rent paid. cha-ching! now i only have to worry about 11 more months. one of 12, that's like 8.33 percent or something like that. i'm now 8.33 percent of the way through my lease. and then i can move. i'm going to move to somewhere warm. i'm tired of this cold and it's only the third of november. i want to take a transfer to somewhere west or south. none of this ord crapola. i'm over that. i want warm and sunshine and blue skies and beach. i want to live near the water. i want to smell the salt in the air and feel the salt on my skin. i miss the beach. only 11 more months and i'm out of here.


i had to call roberto to write a check for me because all my money has been accumulating on the breakfast bar in my house. a small pile of checks and no where to put them because i closed all my bank accounts. i finally got one opened but not in time to get my own checks printed so i gave roberto a check made out to me and he gave me a check made out to my landlord. and yes, i do enjoy making things difficult.

i got mason a friend. her name is mischa and she's a doll. she's all black, jet black with just a few white hairs under her chin. she's small, only about seven months old. she purrs constantly and makes a squeaking noise when she jumps. she makes a pig noise the rest of the time. she makes me laugh. mason, however, has gone from hissing to biting. he lurks around the corner from the bedroom, waiting for her to come out and then he pounces on her, his 16 pounds overtaking her small six. but at least she fights back. no blood. yet. i figure as long as they're not dead it's okay. i think that's what my mom used to think about us kids, too.

i had to order new work pants. i tore my last good pair on a suitcase at work the other day. that pissed me off. and my other favorite pair lost a belt loop. and my other favorite pair lost a cuff because they were too long and i walked it out and shredded it. it looks awesome. so my new pants should arrive today. i'm having them delivered to job #2 because that's where i'm sitting and rotting, currently. better here than baggage claim.

suddenly i'm hungry for warm homemade cookies. chocolate chip. peanut butter. and cold milk. skim. YUM. oooh, momma just called and i'm getting homemade chicken and noodles for lunch. rock the hell on.

job #2. i'm back at it. back to babysitting grown men and pretending to know what the hell i'm talking about. think about it: do you really want me taking part in your financial future? shit i don't even want me messing with my financial future. if i could have someone else manage my money or lack thereof, life would be good. i need a fulltime accountant. and a cleaning lady. i want a staff. i want an entourage. i need an assistant to make sure i get out of bed every day on time so i'm not late for work. and then i need someone just to praise and compliment me. i don't know what their title would be, maybe positive reinforcement coach? so already, with my accountant and my housekeeper and my personal assistant and my positive reinformcement coach, i've employed a small lithuanian family. i could also use a mechanic, a therapist, a hairdresser and a dj. i could have a gross national product that envies that of the country of belgium. but first i need money. and then i'm going to need a parking lot for all these people. so lets hear it for job #2!

i bought a dvd player. a cheapie waldoworld special. and it works with my tv. hallelujah! i watched anchorman and office space the other night in celebration. it was special. i get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. i still haven't watched walk the line and i think aunt shelly is wanting it back.

i haven't been drinking for a week now. the last time i went drinking was at catherine's bonfire. quite a few work people were there, and lots of the nwa folks that are losing their jobs. there was a uniform burning and a sing-a-long and when they broke out the 5$ gallon of tequila and the shot glasses i knew it was time to go. i can do shots. but not tequila shots. that's a painful hangover. catherine's birthday a few weeks ago left me sleeping it off with lindsey's dog in urbandale. i must have wrestled her dog for an hour; my fleece will never be the same. there are dog hairs permanently embedded in it. there's something about catherine that tends to get me in trouble. the first time i ever went out with catherine i nearly got in a fight with a bartender and then we got tossed out of perkins. she's trouble, i tell you. i'm innocent. :)

i love homemade chicken and noodles. and mashed potatoes with no lumps. that's the greatest thing ever. today anyway. i'm working like crazy this weekend. 8 hours at job#2, then five at job #1. tomorrow: more of the same, eight hours at job #2, six and half at job #1. sunday: eight hours at job #1, then i get to sleep. yay for sleep. i could use some sleep. i can always use some sleep.

so here i am at job #2. my soon-to-be-maybe?-ex-father-in-law was just here. he sold the race car and the pete wagon to the godfather. it's sad. it's like everything is ending all at once. i love jerry, i always will. he's an amazing person with an amazing amount of patience and humility. i know i've hurt them, and that makes me feel horrible because that was never my intention. so many things have happened and so many of them have strayed from the way i intended for them to play out. i can't change things so wishing they were different is a waste of energy and time. i guess all i can do is take what i have and enjoy it. everthing happens for a reason. some reasons just aren't crystal clear. this one sure wasn't.

i miss eric. i miss us. i miss the things we used to laugh about and the jokes we used to share. i miss a body next to me at night. i miss the feeling of someone caring about me. i've missed this for a long time, a lot longer than we've actually been apart. we weren't well for a long time prior to moving out, we were emotionally separated before we physically separated. but it still hurts. it hurts a lot. to compound this trouble, i'm not good at being alone. i've never been alone for long, i've never had to. i think i need to. i think it will be good for me.

which is why i've neglected calling some people the last few weeks. i'm not ready to feel anything for anyone. not even you.