30 September 2006
29 September 2006
28 September 2006
you know, last week i broke down. i got scared. i don't know how to be alone, i've never really tried. i've never had to try. i don't know if i'm good at it or bad at it but i've never really had the opportunity so this ought to be interesting. i was beginning to say that i broke down, got scared, and considered trying to make things work. we talked and it was decided that any fix would only be temporary, like using scotch tape to fix a leaking dam. (is this a god dam?) it hurt to hear that verbalized, admitting failure is never easy.
so. here i am in my partially empty house. i just got back from signing the papers that make it belong to someone else. it's not mine anymore. none of this is mine. being here makes me sad, makes me want the things that should have been but never were and will never be. maybe i'll sleep in my new home tonight. it's not as depressing over there.
i certainly don't lack for things to do. i have an entire house to unpack in my new home and i need to figure out what i'm keeping and what i'm selling. i'm going to ebay a lot of my junk away. i don't need so many things and right now i have so much crap i can't have a roommate, she'd get lost in the maze of boxes. i don't really have room for the furniture i am taking - the desk, the table - i don't have a place to put them. i hate moving. have i mentioned that before?
25 September 2006
today, i gave away my dog. i'm not a good dog parent - i'm not as patient as i should be and i'm not home enough to provide a dog with what he needs. but it still really hurt to give away my dog this morning. and it's not like i gave him to a complete stranger; i gave him to my grandma. he couldn't be in a better place, she's thrilled to have him and he's happy already. but the act of packing up his little dog toys and bed and dishes just about made me sick this morning. lately, i've been giving away or giving up a lot of things i care about, things that represented a happier time in my life. it's an awful, awful feeling. i don't want to do it anymore.
my nose ring is out. i blew my nose today, because i'm nothing but a giant emotional train wreck right now (and yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that and...) and i blew the damn thing right out. i didn't know that was possible but i guess it is. i tried to put it back in but that sucker healed up like instantaneously. so it's done. which is too bad, i liked it. i'll go get it redone someday when i'm not so freakin' emotional. and when i don't have a cold.
tomorrow, i go get my keys to my new place. i'm exicted. in spite of the crap going on here at this house, i'm leaving. i'm getting out. i'm blowing this pop stand. being here is not good for me. it's not good for anybody. the sooner the better. good riddance.
23 September 2006
speaking of new. my new place has a vaulted ceiling in the living room, which will be nice and large and empty. since i don't have a sofa. grrr...
22 September 2006
i think my cold is almost better. ua sherri swears by these cough drop looking things, cold-eeze, and they taste like ass but they really work because i'm feeling way better. they're supposed to taste like strawberries and cream but they don't, because they taste like ass. i'm not really sure what that tastes like - i doubt it's strawberries and cream but this is really bad.
today, i did nothing but eat ice cream mistakes at the ice cream store. that is such a comforting thing. it's warm and comfy and mark's there and that makes me happy. mark is comforting in that he knows what's going on but never discusses it unless i bring it up. instead we can talk about nothing and he can be his weird self and i like that. he is such an incredible person - moving jorge tomorrow and me next weekend, putting up with our constant drama and needs. he never complains, just helps out when he can. and if i do bring something up for discussion with him, he's got an interesting point of view. plus, mom was there today, and i can always count on mom to be on my side even when i'm stupid. i'm a lucky girl.
i have a new layout for my blog. sometimes change is good. i just have to do it in baby steps.
21 September 2006
i'm sick. and dying. i stayed home today because i couldn't fathom getting out of bed. i can't sleep. i'm really, really crabby...
but the office is on tonight. yay for jim and pam!!! i've been waiting months to see this...
20 September 2006
i'm feeling ill. no, really, i'm ill. i've got the cold from hell and i wonder if my illness has gone to my brain. i wonder if it's making me long for the old days, when someone cared if i was sick or well, dead or alive. *sigh*
so. for the first time in a long time, almost 9 years (nine times... grace!!!) i'm going to be gracing my childhood residence with my presence...i think. i'm not happy about this, but once again, mum is right. the commute will kill me, but the prospect of free housing at this point is appealing. i don't know. if i get up early enough, there's an apartment i want to go see. but not so bad, obviously, if i have to decide whether or not to get up early enough... sad. i'm sort of in denial about this whole thing. i've only packed one box. this is funny. i've only packed one box, and it's full of national geographic magazines. how bizaare is that? i know that's not the only thing i want to take with me, it's the only thing i can bear to put in a box right now. strange, huh?
saturday is heavy drinking night. i'm taking on the city of chariton once again. which reminds me, i need to pay my parking ticket. still. i know. monday. if i can swap my shifts on monday, i may go to iowa city to see bad fathers and gym class heroes. i dunno. i have a lot to do... but anna banana wants to go and i want to go and and and... grrr... boo for work, yay for money
ord. i'm happy that didn't pan out. for a couple of reasons. i think i'm jumping into something bigger than i am, something that i'm not ready for. and i don't need any more bad decisions, i have plenty of those right here, right now. plus, i think my potential roommate would have been a little flighty and i fear the idea of being left alone in a new city, a huge new city, not knowing anyone. maybe next time...
16 September 2006
15 September 2006
2) drink milk from a flashing glass at perkins. especially after raspberry kamikazes.
3) stay at meekin's house. they have the most impossible stairs that i can't seem to walk up or down without injuring myself.
4) allow catherine to set me up with random bartenders. this really shouldn't happen any day of the week, but particularly on thursdays.
5) text message sleeping friends after 0300. that's just rude all around.
okay, so that's not three things. but the important thing is that i've learned my lesson, right? right. but i don't think they'll ever take me back to perkins. hell, perkins may never let me back in.... oh dear. where will i get my pancakes???
want to hear a joke? what did the zero say to the eight?
omg, that cracks me up.
i need a nap. and a shower. and some advil. omg, where's the advil?
ps - tomorrow is leave for new york day... oh, johnny damon, how i love you!
14 September 2006
i got home yesterday, to a more uncertain reality than when i left. things are happening and i want to know why. without being specific, because i don't really care if you don't understand, sweet reader, here is what befuddles me... a friend has accepted a job in ord. friend and i discussed my taking over of his lease and my moving into his place when he vacates. i thought that was as far as it was going. however, friend gave my name to the hr rep in ord, as someone who might be interested in a couple positions open in ord. friend even applied for a job for me - i did give him the tools to do so, i just never thought he'd really follow through on it. he did. and the hr rep called and she's going to call back today with interview information and i might go up there next week. holy hell. ord? me? what is this?
my doubts lie in this one question: does friend have my best interests at heart or is he just afraid of life in ord? he says, everyone says, that it would do me well to start over in a new city, new job, new home, new friends. but i'm afraid. i'm honest to god scared about the whole thing. i'm comfortable here, i know where i stand, i know what's going on. what if i fail? what if i can't make it? what if, what if, what if? i'm terrified of coming home with my tail between my legs, a big red scarlet letter emblazoned on my chest, defeated and alone and pathetic... that's why i have this giant knot in my stomach.
well, that, and deep down, it's exciting. new city, new job, new home, new friends, new life, new me... deep down, i like this idea. i do think it could be good for me. i just don't want to make any rush judgements, i don't need the sort of heartache a bad move can bring for me right now. i don't know. i really don't know. if it's true that everything happens for a reason, that this is part of someone's master plan for me, i'd sure like to know what it is. i'd like to see the light at the end of the tunnel before i hop on this train. but i don't think it works that way. so here i sit, all sorts of jacked up - nervous in my own skin. and for what?
so. i'm waiting for the phone to ring, and not for the usual reasons. hr lady said she would call. i've got phone calls in on a couple of apartments. not that i wouldn't take a phone call for the usual reasons, he's been calling everyday. OH! speaking of everyday, nigel's freaky ass brother won't stop texting me... grrr... i'm not even replying and yet he keeps trying... booo!
ok. off to shower. i'm closing tonight, really looking forward to that... no, really. i heart bmas. it makes me happy. :D
10 September 2006
okay. so. i made my phone call last night. and i got voicemail. i didn't think i'd get a call back, but i did. infact, i got two of them. he cracks me up. friday. we're going out on friday. and then he called just to say good night. omg, i am such a sucker. but it was nice to hear... i'm still lacking two words, but it was nice to hear. this is so stupid, but fun. anyway, we'll see... :D
09 September 2006
i decided to stay home tonight, since i have to be up at the ass crack of dawn. no really. i have to be up and at work by 630 tomorrow morning. wtf? everybody else got to leave at a decent time but meekin and i have to leave at the crack of dawn. it's an evil conspiracy, i know it is... but at least we only have to spend four days, as opposed to 6 days in iah. aaah, well. it's just that many hours i don't have to spend at home, not saying anthing. actually, this morning, we spoke. for like the first time in a long time. it wasn't that awful, just sad. i'll be vacating the house with some stuff, anyway, some that i want and some that i don't. i should start selling it on ebay, just to get rid of it all. does anyone want a giant maple dining room table? yeah, not going to have room for that one. how about maple barstools? a treadmill? a set of three maple living room tables? boo. that stuff's going to be hard to sell on ebay, shipping would be a bitch. plus, i have to pay my ebay fees before i can sell again. i don't think i've paid them for a while. lol...
brently invited me out with he and one of his friends. i should have gone, it would have been good for me to get out of the house. but i'm a little sleepy. and preoccupied. it was sweet, he's worried about me. i'm okay. really. i'm just homeless, that's all. :D
i got pulled over the other night. bastard pville cops, anyway. i've chatted with this one on several occasions, he's friendly enough. i think he gets bored late at night and knows that i'll attempt to talk my way out of a ticket. i think he pulls me over for entertainment. i got a warning. for 79 in a 65. i'd like to see you try that.... hehehehehehe....
only days 'til yankee day. i'm so excited i could pee. i don't think i will, but i could. hotel? check. tickets? check. transportation? check. new swatch? pending. fight club? pending. roberto and i will have such fun. it's going to be swell. pictures to come...
i have things i need to be doing. like going to bed. but i still haven't finished packing and i don't know what i'm wearing in the morning. and i was planning on making a phone call tonight. i think i'm going to try to make plans for next week - thursday or friday. oh hell. thursday is bowling/drinking night. hmmm. i guess it will have to be friday. take it or leave it, blue eyes... here we go. divide and conquer.
08 September 2006
today, my house is no longer my house. today, my house belongs to someone else. tonight, i'm sleeping in someone else's bedroom. i'm showering in someone else's shower, eating in someone else's kitchen. using their dishwasher, their garage, putting my clothes in their closet. today, my house is no longer my home. it's a place i transit. it's a place i go to change my clothes and wash my face. i'm sad. i admit it. i love this house. i love the idea behind this house. i just hate the way it makes me feel, the guilt it induces. living here is like being in jail, emotionally binding and constricting. this is a good thing. this is a very good thing...right?
it's amazing how much one person can affect your mood. tonight, i got about four phone calls from blue eyes. and that made my night. he's cute. he tells me when he's going to call. the kid thing is interesting; he has two daughters, ages 7 and 9. i talked to the elder of the two - she's sweet. i heard him talking to his girls; he sounds like a good father. i like him. and i don't know why. maybe because there's no past, no hangups, just normalcy. what a change...
i did it. i got my nose pierced. it's adorable, i love it. anna banana and i went to see beautiful biff and he did it. he got me talking and before i knew it there was a needle hanging out of my nose. i was a little shocked at the way he went about it, i didn't even know it was coming, it was just there. and then it was done. anna b got her ear sticky-outy thing pierced, it's cute. i don't really know what the purpose of that is, the sticky-outy thing, other than to decorate it with metal hoops and rings... :D but it does look cute. but i could tell from her face that it hurt. a lot. so i'm going to leave that one alone for right now. my nose doesn't feel bad, it sort of tickles. i went to blow my nose this morning after a giant snot-producing cry, and it tickled so bad, i had to stop crying so i could laugh. i guess that's a good thing, i guess... i do really like it. and no one at work really noticed, so maybe i won't have to walk around with a bandaid on my face... yay me!
i went bowling with meekin and ernie and anna b and meekin's parents last night. i haven't been bowling in ages - at least 10 or 12 years, really. i'm perfectly awful. but it was fun. then i sat at ihop with the texas ranger and perty kersty for a couple hours.
see? this is why this house thing is a good thing: i hate coming home. i hate the "pending" conversations, the words that are never spoken, that uncomfortable feeling i get just being here. i don't want to be here. i want out. and i've gotten my wish, i have to be out by october 2. that's not that far away... what the fuck am i going to do???
i'm not in the mood to stress about this. i'm going to go watch mindless television and dream about hunky blue eyes... *sigh*
never mind the fact that i only have 24 days to find a place to live. and then move there. 24 days. that's 2,073,600 seconds. 34,560 minutes. 576 hours. and i'm going to spend at least the next 8 of them sleeping and dreaming of... well, that's for me to find out. gnite... *muah*
06 September 2006
so. old people. mean old people make me laugh. i can't help it. there's nothing worse to me than an old person, and i do mean old, old, old, trying to be mean to me. i had a 400-year-old man call me a bitch at work today. and i swear, i wasn't even being mean. he said i was rude and called me a bitch. why? because i told him that the cart he was pulling out of my baggage cage was not for public use. and he said he'd bring it back in a little bit. and i said no. and he called me a rude bitch. the nerve... but it made me laugh. a lot.
next. people who think they know everthing. this one covers both personal and professional (ha!) life... at work, i enjoy people who tell me how to do my job. those people make me laugh. (this also somewhat ties in to old people... old people who tell me how to do my job make me giggle and that doesn't ususally help the situation any...) but, in my personal life, people who think they know everything crack me up.
(boy, this one's for you...) you've got it all figured out, don't you? got it all solved. and i bet you didn't do anything wrong. nothing at all. i can't imagine you admitting intention, so how did you blame this on me? how did you slime your way out of that hole? i'm glad you're all friends again, that's just special. SPECIAL. i get all warm and tingly just thinking about it... bleccch... but hey, it's your story, right? i'm really glad i trusted you. glad i believed you. because i didn't have enough stress in my life. one more person i can't count on - that's just what i needed. as far as nigel, you fucking know you ratted. a little upset someone might have some clout on you? that's just stooping a little low now, isn't it? but hey, whatever gets you through the night. but i'm over the whole thing. the entire thing.
finally, anna's blonde joke. i'm still working on the wording. in fact, i don't know what i can effectively *write* this joke, you really need to see the physical movements to enjoy this joke. so, i'm going to leave this one out. if you want to hear it, you need to ask me... trust me, it's enjoyable...
i'm getting a new piercing. a tiny little piercing. it's going to be so cute! just a tiny little sparkle, or a tiny little clear for work. if not, i'll look incredibly cute with a bandaid on my face. :D anna banana and i are going to get it done tomorrow night. i'm so excited. and then we're going to buy tickets to go see panic! in council bluffs. yay! sweet balls!
i think i may have a place to live. a friend is considering a move and leaving an apartment and a lease to be filled... it's a nice place, with a nice view, and i think i can afford it... i'll know more about this in a few days. in the mean time, i'm going to look at apartments (other than his) in the same building on friday morning. guess i'll see what comes up.
iah. i am so not excited about going, except that i'm looking forward to 40 hours of pay for 25 hours of work. and drinks by the poolside. me and meekin. this will be a good time. lol...
the new bid. i got exactly what i wanted. afternoons, with the ability to pick up both mornings and nights for those that i work for. so far, tuesday, wednesday, thursday off, but i'm sure i'll work like i do now. i'm thinking that i may try to go to clt the first weekend in october, because i know that zrh is out of the question. i haven't seen libbeth in a couple years, i'm itching to get down there and see the ferguson family. and the new addition. :)
05 September 2006
saturday. i worked until 1900 and then called miss-t, who from this point on is going to be referred to as nigel, to make plans for later on that evening. saturday night. oh, my, saturday night... i met the most interesting person on saturday night, with the bluest eyes and and the nicest shoulders and a voice that makes me melt...*sigh*... ol' blue eyes is what he shall be called, which in itself is funny, but i'm not going to tell you why. so, me n' nigel head out, drinking on insufficient funds, but it turns out not to matter, as we met up with the only black man in town and he bought drinks for us after round one. in fact, i don't remember buying drinks after round one. after round i don't know how many, i begin to forget the exact string of events...
things really got interesting when the guy at the bar fell off his stool and then wrestled around on the floor with it before getting up and leaving. blue eyes made an introduction sometime during this period before we walked in the rain across the square and into the other place where things got really crazy. drinks turned blue, i hugged everybody in sight, i gave away my favorite bracelet to a girl named rochelle who was kissing this bridesmaid in a really cute red dress, someone stuck a dollar in my shirt, and i was making fun of some really strong-looking guy (moose?) who dumped a drink on his own shirt, freaking slob. and then there was blue eyes... oh my, blue eyes...*sigh*... you know the thing is, i don't generally fall for blue eyes, but this one was different. i don't know why. OMG. that was fun... the best part, well, at least the funniest, not necessarily the best, was the puddle outside. i'm bruised, he's bleeding and not a one of us cared. lol... he bled all over nigel's car on our way to his house and i know we were grossing bob out real bad. and i know that this is never going to go anywhere or amount to anything, but boy, this was neat fun. so much fun, in fact, we had breakfast on sunday and he asked permission to call me. teehee...isn't that cute? i told him due to his age i would have to think about it, i just didn't know if i could see him again... and then i called him to tell him it would be okay if he called me. i could talk to him all day, everyday... that voice makes me hot, omg...all low and gravely, incredible, and when he says my name, omg... *sigh*...
sunday. work. late. all night. talked about going out but went home instead, i was pooped. didn't sleep well the night before and needed to get caught up. today. overslept this morning, almost didn't make it to work on time. pouring rain. blecch. got to leave work early, yay annette! family dinner, good fun, haven't been to my mom's house in months. gorgeous day. and i came home and took a nap. i took a four hour nap and woke up to a text message. from nigel's brother. a freaking scary message, in fact a series of scary messages. wow. that was bizaare. in fact, its still fucking bizaare, he won't leave me alone... hmmm...
so now, i'm watching dane cook. this guy is freaking hysterical, you big fat fatty...
four hour nap. not tired anymore. got to find something to do.
oh. so that one thing that happened last week, that one thing that sort of blew up in my face and caused things to get real quiet around here? yeah, still no resolution there. don't quite know what to do about it. parties involved are not speaking of it, in fact, parties involved are not speaking to me. maybe that's okay... the whole thing was kind of stressing me out. the thing is, i think one party involved is retaliating against nigel by opening his big mouth to people who don't need to know... cluck cluck cluck... that's one way to put the kabosh on a friendship...
next week i have to go to iah. for a whole freaking week. yuck. it's going to be hot and sticky and yucky. i don't wanna go! but. when i get back from iah, we're off to nyc for a weekend of adventure. :) and baseball. don't forget the baseball. yay me!