30 November 2007

there's bird poop on my skylight.

why do i always have to buy milk on the day before a major ice store warning? the grocery store was fucking nuts; all the whackjobs were out in droves, buying toilet paper and bread and beer. because we all know that in case of emergency, in the case of a life-or-death weather emergency, we are all going to need toilet paper and bread and beer. enhancing my shopping experience, the token retard sacked my groceries and smashed my bread. (i also happened to be out of bread, lucky fucking me.)

have i mentioned how much i hate grocery shopping? however, i do love groceries, so i guess it's a give and take. i'll give you some money; you take your lame ass to the supermarket and buy me some damn groceries.

i met my goal for the month, my boss was pretty impressed. she was quick to point out that i tend to work harder/achieve more when we're on double bonus days. i wanted to say, "der," but i held my tongue and agreed to work at a uniform level regardless of the availability of a bonus. and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing all afternoon.

can't tell me what to do; you're not the boss of me. oh wait...

the bee is gone for the weekend: it's deer season. our agreement on this is as follows: he doesn't tell me jack shit about it and i pretend that it doesn't exist. i didn't grow up in a hunting family and i have zero interest and a barely measureable level of tolerance for such activities, but if you're going to date an iowa boy, chances are he's going to own a gun and he's going to want to shoot it at live, sometimes cute, animals. and the bee is no exception. i was home when he got home this afternoon and he was about to burst, he was so excited to get out and shoot things.

whatever. i just don't want deer jerky or deer related items in the house, that's all i ask.

did i tell you one of our goldfish died today? karl, my drag queen goldfish, was stuck to the filter intake when i got home. that's never a good sign. neither was the fact that when i "unstuck" him, he just sunk. so now it's fluffy's tank. :(

i'm going to go watch csi: miami. i'm tired.

29 November 2007

it registered 7.6 on the richter scale.

i did laundry this morning as i was getting ready to go to work. i put three of the bee's pairs of work jeans in the washer as i got in the shower. and when i got out of the shower, it sounded like i was mixing paint. or trying to shake the building off it's foundation. it was like my own personal earthquake in our apartment, it was awesome. our washer and dryer is one of thsoe stackable units, small and cute and fits right in the closet. and i'm slowly learning the limits of its capacity.

see, at my mom's house you can cram a whole hamper full of filthy clothes into the washer and they still come out sparkling clean. but i learned on day one in the new abode (not adobe) that if you put too much in the mini washer, the clothes jump out of the top of the machine and the whole unit, dryer and all, shakes and shimmies its way until its bulging out the door of the closet, like it wants to break out and kick my ass for overstuffing it. like i knew, gosh.

so now when i do laundry, i have to break it down into colors, type and weight of the load. because washing two pairs of pants and two sweatshirts is acceptable. but washing three pairs of pants and two sweatshirts sounds like rapid machine gun fire. and washing three pairs of the bee's pants at one time, well, i'm not going to make that mistake again.

i'm not even going to tell you how long it took me to find the lint trap or what that looked like when i finally discovered it. let me just say this: it's in the stupidist fucking spot imaginable and i have never in my life seen so much lint at once.

it's been mutually agreed that i'll do the laundry and he'll do the man-tasks, like taking out the trash and unloading the dishwasher and killing the bugs. because i freaking HATE taking out the garbage and unloading the dishwasher and there's no way i'm killing bugs unless i'm completely alone and have to break out the bug vacuum. yup - i've got a vacuum just for killing bugs. you put the nozzle over the multi-legged offender and suck that bastard up into a tube of pesticide where he eventually dies a slow and painful death.

bugs are motherfuckers. all of them. even the "cute" ones, like ladybugs and rollie-pollie bugs. yuk, yuk, yuckity motherfucking yuk.

anyway. i'll do the laundry because i'm kind of particular about what gets washed with what - like, i don't want his work pants washed with my nice work pants, because what if they get nasty boy work pant cooties on them? and i want all of my nice shirts washed separate from his work shirts and blah blah blah... you can clearly see where this is going: i'm just a pain in the ass. i know. i'll own that statement. but our clothes are clean and they look nice. i just bet the neighbors freaking hate me for doing the laundry at all hours of the day and night. hahaha... suckers.

when i was a kid, my dad did some of the laundry. those were interesting times. like, there would be periods of time when he was unemployed (and now you see where i get THAT gene) and he'd do the laundry and some of the chores around the house and order lots and lots of magazine subscriptions all while wearing his bill cosby robe and watching reruns of little house on the prairie (he was a big michael landon fan). he once bleached our socks to the point that they disintegrated in our hands as we tried to pull them over our heels. you could practically hear the entire house groan as we put on our socks in unison that morning and the tops of our incredibly white socks ripped off and pulled up to our thighs. i'm pretty careful with the bleach these days.

so yeah. i tried really hard to go to work today. i'm serious. the bee was like, "i'm not going in, wahh, wahh, wahh... let's have an all day underwear party... i don't feel good..." and he called in. but i was all, "somebody's got to make money in this damn house, biznatch." and i got up and got in the shower and got ready for work. no joke, i was out the door at such a time that would have allowed me to be just a few minutes late, which is pretty much the norm. but i got outside and my car wouldn't start and it was cold and my head does hurt, and so i took it all as a sign. a big, glaring, flashing neon sign from god that i wasn't supposed to do much today.

so here i am. the bee is fending phone calls from work as he lies in bed and pretends to be sick. i think he's really just tired, and who am i to point fingers? i'm not at work, i'm on the damn sofa. but whatever. as soon as i can roll him out of bed and outside to jump my car, i'm headed to c-town for a new battery and to see my momma.

i'm going to go work on that.

peas out.

26 November 2007

look at me, i'm sandra dee...

lousy with... well, never mind. i'm in the mood to watch grease. i don't know why. i'm excited - i have internet at my home. i can blog again! woohoo!

i really don't have anything to write about, my day sort of sucked. i got chewed on by my boss, which i thought was completely undeserved, but isn't it always undeserved? we were crazy ass busy and in the middle of all of that, she wants to have a meeting to discuss ways to stay on top of our tasks and not get buried. i wanted to say that it would be most helpful if we could stop having these fucking meetings every four hours, but i didn't think that would be met with a warm reception so i just smiled and nodded a lot.

i got my car back yesterday. it still wasn't finished; there were wires not connected that had to be reconnected today at the garage at work, to the tune of 152$ that's being paid by the insurance company. i think my insurance adjuster is going to go postal on my body shop guy. i don't know who i feel more sorry for there; i'm just happy to have my car back.

when i do laundry, it gets foggy outside my front door because the vent from the dryer is just outside and the warm air gets trapped upstairs with the cold air from outside. i'm convinced that if i put a big bucket of water and a space heater out there i could make it rain on the steps.

that's power. that would be awesome. i am the janel, i can make it rain.

yeah, i'm out of stuff to talk about. going to bed now.

21 November 2007

oh for the love.

it's only snow. we're getting three or four inches of snow and you'd think the whole fucking state was on lock-down. we're in the middle of a snow advisory, there's red alerts all over the radar, and everyone at work is in a freaking tizzy. for crying out loud - it's only snow.

and actually, it's kind of nice to look at. i know i'm the minority here, but i kind of like the snow. i like the way it looks and the way it feels, i like the way the sky smells while its snowing - it just smells clean and new. and while this isn't enough snow to 1) stick around for very long or 2) even completely cover the grass, it's pretty. well, it's pretty until it's been plowed and driven over and gets all grey and slimy and sticks to your pant legs and shoes and everything you own is covered in snow slop and salt and crap. yeah, then it's not so pretty.

it just dawned on me that i don't have a snow scraper in the car. because it's in *my* car and not the car i'm driving. motherfuckers. now i have to go buy a snow scraper.

boo hiss boo.

so the other night the bee and i got into it pretty bad. he thinks i don't want him around, i think he doesn't really want to be there and we're both pissy and being nasty and he starts packing his things to leave. and now i've remembered why i hate this living together arrangement - because it's perfectly acceptable for one (or both of us, i guess, although that would be a little extreme) to pack it up and call it quits. it's just that easy. easier for him than for me, since i'm the one with all the shit, but if our argument had continued, he could have been out the door in less than 15 minutes.

guess i'm going to have to pick and choose my arguments from here on out if i don't want that to happen. and i have been grumpy for the last few days and i don't know why. i should be thrilled - tomorrow is turkey day, and let's face it, even mediocre turkey is still pretty fucking good. i'm leery of the noodles, but i'll survive. it's just one day. i'd rather be with my family than his family, but i'm also not in the mood to drive three hours. eww... whomever decided it was a good idea to have turkey day in illinois this year obviously didn't consult these kids - because none of them are going. so tomorrow i'll be hanging with the bee's family, eating around the noodles and pretty much feeling kind of uncomfortable, because that's what the families of significant others do to me.

anyway, back to the being grumpy thing - i'm not really sure why. i don't think i'm grumpy, but i also think i'm perfect, so my line of thought perhaps is a little skewed. i think i used to use my drive home time as detox time - which was easy, when you had 85 miles to drive. now that i'm home in just about as much time as it used to take me to get to the bypass, i don't have any detox time and apparently i'm just a raging psycho bitch.

but our talk ended... okay. i got some stuff off my chest, he got some things out in the open and in general we just cleared the air. i think we're both surprised with where our path has led us thus far and that takes some adjustment. because if you remember right, just six months ago, i wanted to be preparing for work with the peace corps - i was considering volunteering nearly three years of my life in a foreign country. and instead i find myself on a familiar path with unfamiliar company.

which isn't necessarily where i saw myself six months ago, but again, how much of our lives is really ours to control? i'm asking impossible questions, i know, but i guess you have to take what life hands you and roll with it. because karma seems to kick your ass for fighting back.

i'm at work until 7 p.m. again tonight, this is the last night for a while, thank holy heavens. i'm ready to pull my hair out. it's dead fucking silent in this room, all i can hear is the sound of my typing and the dull roar of the furnace blowing through the ducts and it's still colder than crap in this room. i'm wearing two shirts, a sweater and a jacket and i'm still contemplating putting on my mittens, it's that fucking cold.

this weekend is dane cook weekend, oh how i'm looking forward to that. its been a while since i've been out with nigel and snackmaster bob - i just hope they get along well enough for everyone to enjoy the trip. four hours in the car with a spatting nigel and bob could be enough for me to just open the door and jump... after we see dane cook, of course.

i should go out and start my car, let the defrost run and melt off all the snow. that's a good idea, thanks for having it. i think i may go do that now. :)

peas out, and happy turkey day.

15 November 2007

just wipe, for god's sake.

toilet paper is everywhere these days. two-square economics is taking over the world.

help, i need somebody, not just anybody...

last night i couldn't sleep. i had this giant ball of stress in my stomach that just wouldn't unwind. and i'll admit, there's a few things on my mind. some of them are of my own doing; others are things out of my control. some are just fucking absurd, things that i probably shouldn't be contemplating but i am. isn't it strange sometimes how much of your life is out of your control? its like, no matter what your life plan is, it doesn't really matter because you can't stop what comes at you 94 percent of the time anyway.

i was just thinking about this the other day. i make a million decisions everyday, from where to part my hair to whether or not to eat breakfast to moving in with the bee. and at the time, they seem insignificant, unimportant. but sometimes, hours, days, months, years down the road you turn around and say, "that day, that one day, that one decision i made, it was life changing, but i didn't know it at the time." its just interesting to think about. not that breakfast or where i part my hair are generally life altering decisions. but sometimes the things i think are nothing are acutally something and i just don't know it until it's already passed.

does this mean i just don't pay attention? is everyone like this? do i make snap judgements and not consider the consequences? or is my life out of my hands, to a certain degree? am i just following some path that's been laid out in front of me, direction and destination unknown?

i'm fully aware that some of the decisions i make are less than stellar and i make them anyway. sometimes they fit what i want at that exact moment. sometimes i'm not sure what the fuck i'm doing but i do it in spite of that fact. sometimes i just like to pretend that i know what i'm doing because i'm tired of the indecision - gotta do something even if its wrong.

sometimes i just don't know.

14 November 2007

wokka wokka wokka

two days in a row! aren't you a bunch of lucky duckies?!

ahh, work. work is swell. i actually like my job (hob). i like my coworkers, with one small exception and she's leaving (again) at the end of the week. actually, i hear that today may be her last day. and that, my friends, is a heartbreaker. because in her absence, i don't know who the office backstabber will be. who will steal my customers? who will snag my appointments while i'm in the bathroom? and where will i get my daily intake of chocolate and caramel if her replacement doesn't keep a candy bowl on her desk?

these are the things that i wonder about.

but no seriously, i have been rocking the casbah (or cash bar or cat box or whatever) at work so far this month. today's kind of slow, but whatever. i worked with my boss at the beginning of the month to set some goals, some actual attainable goals and i'm pretty sure i'm going to make those. that feels pretty good. it's been a while since i've enjoyed a job (hob) this much. or maybe it's just been a while since i've had a job (hob). i'm not sure.

you know what bothers me? cheap toilet paper. and toilet paper put on the roll backwards. that really peeves me. because cheap toilet paper never tears well, especially a new roll. it always shreds and rips and i can never find a good starting point. it's like clear packing tape, when the end is stuck to the roll and you can't find where it starts. omg, that's frustrating. you end up with all these little tape pieces. or toilet paper pieces, since that's what we're really talking about here. if you really want to know, the toilet paper commercials with the bears, where the dance around with two squares and sing about how that's enough for them just pisses me off. because, 1) bears don't use tp, duh 2) bears don't sing or dance, unless we're talking about fozzie bear, wokka wokka, and 3) WHO ONLY USES TWO SQUARES OF TOILET PAPER, GAHH? that's so gross. two squares? i don't have a large ass, not that the size of your ass necessarily predicates how much toilet paper you need to use, but i use way more than two squares. and i am known for having a small, conclave if you will, ass.

moving on.

so my commute has dropped from 85 minutes to 16 minutes. and that rocks my socks. because now i can sleep in. or i can drink chocolate milk in the morning. or do laundry. or watch tv. or sleep in. and with the bee already being there, there's no need for me to be awake at the crack of dawn to make sure he's awake. and that's nice. but i no longer get to honk at nigel and i worry that she's oversleeping and that the rugrats are late for school.

my momma is having surgery next month. not anything easy, not anything outpatient - she's having big scary surgery. and i for one am freaked the fuck out and i know she is too. it's called anterior cervical fusion. they're fusing cadaver bones to degenerating discs in her neck, and the funny part is, she's not even having specific neck pain. but it's part of a neurosurgeon's master plan to save her back and keep her mobile, because the weakness in her legs, arms and bladder is taking over her life. i can't imagine how that feels, especially for such a strong and independent person like my mom. i know how it feels to watch her in such pain and not be able to help, and that's awful. i felt an incredible amount of guilt in moving out and away with her in this condition because i felt like i may have been able to do something while living at home, but now i'm too far away to be of any real help to her. the surgery itself is scary: they go in through the front of the neck, pushing aside semi-important things like the voicebox and arteries and things like that, to get to her spine and vertabrae. her voice may be different when it's all said and done. she'll have a scar. but with any luck, and she's saying it will take some bit of luck, she'll be strong enough to walk. and that's all i want for her. i just want my mom back.

so have i told you i *still* don't have my uugof back yet? nope. he's still a one-eyed raznous, the poor guy. he's missing a headlight, he looks like a pirate. if cars could talk like transformers could talk, mine would say, "yarrgh...." like a pirate. only he'd say it with a german accent because uugof's mother was a volkswagon. as long as he doesn't have a headlight i want him to wear an eye patch so i can be the captain of that ship...

i managed to lose my silverware about a year ago and just recently discovered it. yeah, that sucks my (hypothethical) nut. very not cool, this whole eating with your hands thing. makes cereal a real bitch. apparently when i was moving out of the dutch village of all that is holy, overpriced and stuck in the back of the closet, i left a box in my former abode. (not adobe.) this box was then confiscated by my ex-landlords in a power struggle when my rubber rent check bounced out of their hot little hands and even though i made things right, they still claim they tossed it. bastardos! they ended up tossing my silverware and my saucepans and some good serving bowls. (yesh, i know. i'm a shitty packer. what of it, homeslice?) so the bee and i are eating off of the really nice hyvee plastic stuff for the time being. whatev. not worth wadding my panties over now.

not that i ate cereal last night. last night, the bee and i just sort of foraged. i foraged for a bottle of wine, he foraged for a bag of chips. we both fell asleep happy, i just woke up with a headache. i just get in a mood sometimes for a good bottle of merlot. so i go get one and then i want to drink the whole thing. it doesn't happen often, thank god, because i don't think my head could take it. and when i do it, i have weird ass dreams. bizarre, strange, weird ass things. like that my new landlord got mad that i wanted my screen door fixed so they took away my cell phone and gave me this shitty ass walkman-sized thing to use instead. wtf? i have no idea. anyway. i drank my dinner last night. and it was good.

i'm at work late again tonight. ugh. i'm tired of being here late. i hope the new person works out and isn't creepy and weird like the last new person. here in this department we're getting a reputation for getting people fired. okay, i'm getting a reputation for getting people fired. but i don't care. do your job and we won't have issues. well, do your job and don't comment on my personal life and then we won't have issues. copy that, keester? i thought so...

again, it's taken me all stinkin' day to write this. that sucks. i miss my puter. i have to go to the bathroom. my stomach is upset all the soda i've had to drink today. i'm suffering from adult acne. my friends are calling me a bed wetter because i'm not sure if i want to go out with them this weekend. huh, i guess i'm a little whiny.

and with that, i'm going to sign off and go pretend to find things to do. i have a lot of paper on my desk and that makes me appear to be busy even if i'm not. plus i bet i can spend four minutes in the bathroom washing my hands and then i'm four minutes closer to going home. woot!

peas out.
superireallyhavetopeejanel :)

13 November 2007

admit it - you missed me

sorry boys and girls. i've been absent from the blogging world for quite a while. things have been mad crazy busy. plus, my computer like imploded on itself and that makes blogging a little bit difficult. i mean, i could blog 160 characters at a time via text message from my cell phone but we all know that since i tend to text and drive, texting and blogging and driving isn't going to end well for anyone. especially when you add in the fact that i'm still driving someone else's car because mine *still* isn't fixed - well, obviously, blogging took a seat on the back burner for a while.

i don't know when my computer will be fixed. apparently all that time without antivirus software sort of bit me in the ass. i know, me with no antivirus software - i can't believe it either. but it was either that or give up some random weekend of drinking that probably ended poorly sometime between last july and last tuesday and when have i ever passed up the chance for a little extra drama? exactly. so my computer guru pal is reformatting my hard drive, erasing two years of pictures, music and crap. at least i can say it wasn't porn. at least i hope it wasn't the porn.

(that was a joke, mom. i don't look at porn on my own computer. i do that at work. no, now i'm really kidding. i can't even check my myspace at work, are you kidding?)

so. what's new with you? not much? yeah? huh. yeah, well, it's been kind of crazy around here. you know, hitting deer, wrecking cars, moving, losing my silverware, rocking out at my job, getting somewhere with the bee - it's been a productive couple of weeks.

my new apartment, oops, i mean our new apartment is adorable. small, yes. maybe is cozy is a better word, because it is definitely cozy. but i like it. and i think the bee likes it. initially there was some discussion/argument as to whether or not it was *my* apartment or *our* apartment, considering it's just my name on the lease and i was the only one that saw it before moving in. but i'm not known for my patience and he wasn't moving at a speed that i was comfortable with (aka ludicrous speed) so i took matters into my own hands. and so here we are. worst case scenario, he hates it, i live there for six months and then we find a place we both like. but it's not going to be on the south side where i'm surrounded by non-english speaking trailer trash.

whoa. hold up. i'm not saying that all south siders don't speak english. i'm not saying that all south siders are trailer trash. nor am i saying that all non-english speakers are trailer trash. what i am saying is that there is a large population of all three on the south side of the metro (ha.) and i refuse to live among them. that's just me being a snob.

anyway. can i finish?

yeah. so. i'm finished. the apartment is adorable. everything is unpacked. and all is good in the little domestic world that we've created. cute, isn't it? :D

but i have to tell you, i felt weird leaving home. again. it's not as bad as it was the first time around. i think when i left home the first time around i cried every night for about a month. not that i've spent any time crying. but it just feels weird. because i thought for sure that moving home was going to be a huge mistake. and actually, it turned out to be kind of nice. it wasn't the all out war that i thought it may be with my mom, because, and let's face it, living together hasn't always been our strong suit. but we persevered and now it's just kind of weird not having her around.

but anyway. more to come tomorrow. i'm at work and it's taken me ALL FREAKING DAY to get this far. seriously. this is what i'm going to have to do until i get my 'puter back - rob my employer of janel time so that i can update you with my silly little insignificant life. do you see what you people are doing to me? i'm a rule breaker. breakin' the law, breakin' the law...

anyway. toodles and noodles. i'm off here in 13 minutes.

the superfreakinjustmovedAGAINandnowi'mdoneforatleastsixmonthsjanel :)