28 March 2008
the bee is going to therapy with me next week. it didn't take any pleading or prodding; i just mentioned that my therapist thought it could be a good idea for us and he said he'd go next week. i about fell off the bed when i got that text message, i was so shocked. so when i left my appointment yesterday, she gave me our "homework" for next week. we have to evaluate our needs on 10 or 12 topics such as affection, admiration, conversation, honesty, sexual fullfilment, financial dedication, family dedication and so on and so forth. and then we have to rate how our partner meets our needs in each of those categories. the bee seems to think that this will be little more than the basis for a good argument. i liken it to a good honest (mediated) conversation. i guess we'll find out next week. if we end up in opposite corners of the room wearing boxing gloves, maybe therapy wasn't such a good idea... but i don't see that happening. i hope not, anyway.
my interview was this morning. i think it went well; it all hinges on a background check and then i guess i get to start work on april 7. it was kind of funny, i walked into a little conference room with a supervisor and we sat down and he said to me, "i'm supposed to ask you all these questions but i can see from your resume and from looking at you that you can do this job. you're overqualified for it, actually. you've been in the car business, so i'm going to be frank: the pay fucking sucks, the job is shit. but stick it out for a year and we'll get you transferred into something you actually want to do."
i cracked up.
i think he asked me about 25 percent of the questions on his list; the rest he made up the answers to as he went along. we drafted an offer of employment, which we both signed, which like i said, i think means i've been offered a job. and he's right, the pay sucks and the job does too, but it's a big company with lots of opportunity for growth and he seems cool. it's the same place that my little brother's crazy girlfriend works, so i already know someone and she said she'd split the referral bonus with me if i list her on the paperwork.
and like the therapist said, a job is a job until a better job comes along.
indeed. plus, it's laid back (i can wear jeans), it's easy work (dude, who's better at getting pissy than i am?), and it's dollars (as opposed to the less popular and more difficult to spend rupee). and dollars are dollars are dollars. plus (and this is one of the cooler benefits) i have the chance of winning a wii, if i do well. effin-a-right, cotton. fuck yes. i will get a wii. and i won't pay for it. i'm not talking all coastal mart style. but i will get me a damn wii. assuming i pass the background check. which means that i'm crossing my fingers that they don't discover the six months i spent in chico for selling mexican bam-bam to unsuspecting touristas in guadalajara.
that's a joke.
i can't get anyone to go to mexico with me. (and now that you know what i want to do when i get there, you can clearly see why...) and i don't even really know where chico is. i mean, i know where chico is, but is that where the prison is? i have no idea. i don't even really know what bam-bam is. i'd google it but then federal agents would prolly bust through the doors of the panera that i'm sitting in at the moment and then i'd have to explain what the fuck i'm doing googling bam-bam in the middle of panera on merle hay road in the smack dab center of white bread america and it'd turn out that they've been watching me for awhile now because i once checked out that charles manson book in like the 7th grade and i watch a lot of csi: miami and i recently figured out what m.o. means and how to stop the bleeding on an open wound with super glue. i'm obviously a threat to society and i'm well aware of it. i'd get hauled out of here in handcuffs, ala reese bobby in talladega nights but i don't have a cool car to climb into through the window, nor do i have a classroom of fifth graders to impress by screaming, "if you're not first you're last" so i'd have to knock over a trashcan or break a window on the way out with my foot or something and when it was all said and done and i'd done my time at the local women's prison and made everyone i know a dozen hand-crocheted hot pads and was spending my days on parole, wearing knock-off shoelace free white keds and being banned from the internet and all things technical, like that kid in the movie hackers, i'd have to pay fucking panera some resistution for their fucking trashcan or their dumbass window which i probably cut my foot on anyway.
which i could have stopped from bleeding and getting infected if they'd just have given me a tube of g.d. superglue.
fuck. don't they watch csi?
26 March 2008
you know how it is, when you think you've got everything all worked out in your head, you're finally starting to get a plan (or even a semblance of a plan), things are finally starting to come together and then out of nowhere comes that someone or something that just puts you right back at square one. right back at the very beginning, for whatever reason, and everything you thought you'd worked out suddenly doesn't seem so attractive. that's where i am. or where i was, rather. because everything i thought i wanted in the last few weeks has changed.
last week the bee and i started talking again. i think you all knew that. we talked face to face a couple of days. we spent the weekend together. and we've been pretty much inseparable since.
i know what you're thinking.
and yes. i know what i said.
and i remember what he said. i remember all of it.
but i can't help the way i feel. and i see a lot of positive changes in him - positive changes in him, positive changes in him about himself, positive changes in his attitude about us, positive changes in his attitude about a lot of things. the time we've spent together has been spectacular - we've talked more than we ever have before in the past, and about things that matter. we talked about the things that are important in our relationship and the things we did poorly in the past and the things we wanted to improve upon.
and we talked about the baby. we talked about the baby and we cried. we talked about the bee's poor response, his poor timing, the way he acted toward me and the way he treated me and all the things that we both think he could have done differently. and he apologized. he told me there are no reasons why and no excuses and he wishes he had done things differently because it's all he's thought about since that day.
he's not perfect. but i'm not perfect either. and i honest to god cannot help the way i feel, no matter how hard i try. and i have tried. i have tried for the last two months, if not longer, to pretend that i don't care. and i was so close to having myself convinced that he didn't matter that his words almost didn't mean anything. i was so close to leaving - to being done and being gone - that he almost didn't catch me. but i listened to him talk and i saw for myself that he is making changes and has made changes, and i knew that if i didn't try - if we didn't try - then i'd always wonder.
and i don't like what ifs. i don't like unfinished business.
i do not regret the things i have done, but those i did not do.
i have to admit, the consensus among family and friends is split just about down the middle. some have unabashedly told me i'm making the mistake of a lifetime, while others agree that i'd always wonder what could have been. no one has come out and said that they'll actually disown me for my decision but it feels like the words aren't far from leaving their mouths. the bee seems to think that talking to disagreeing parties would actually help the situation. i told him that would be opening a whole new can of worms and we should just shelve that idea for the time being. maybe allow some time for digestion, you know? i don't think that would make anything better - part of the problem at hand already is due to his mouth; i don't know that his talking to anyone is going to make it any better.
but anyway. since this last weekend, i've made the decision to move out of mom's house (mostly, anyway. i left a few things down there.) and back into the apartment in johnston. i'm paying my rent this month and looking for jobs in the dsm area because the rent and the car payment and so on and so forth aren't going to pay themselves and no amount of "i dream of jeannie" head bobbing and blinking is going to make that happen. and so i've spent the last few afternoons soaking up the free wifi at some hotspots not far from home looking for work and filling out myspace surveys. it's hard work but someone has to do it.
the apartment is a disaster and i feel like it should be bothering me but it's really not. there are boxes and plastic rubbermaid tubs all over the place - packing commenced before any sort of decision was reached and i can't bring myself to unpack what has already been packed because even though i'm staying my lease is only good through the end of may, which really isn't that far off. so for now, we're living among the boxes and tubs and eating off the same two plates (which for some reason i am compelled to put in the dishwasher only so we can pull them out and wash them by hand at each and every meal). clothes are everywhere because my closet was basically empty before i left for charlotte and i don't have the gumption to put anything away. there are towels all over the place because i've decided i'm a "new-towel-every-day" kind of gal, which is a whole new world for me and actually creates a lot of laundry in our paint-mixer/washing machine.
he's trying to help me with my chubby kids - and let me tell you, chubby kids is a heck of a lot harder when you're with someone than when you're moderately depressed and alone. food tastes better when you're with someone and there seems to be way more opportunity to eat it. but we figured out how many points he can eat in a day and at the end of the day we figure out how many points he's exceeded his daily allotment, it's sort of a game. his dietary needs are obviously a little different than mine, since he has a job and all and he gets some exercise at said job. however, being part of a couple, or at least this couple, does introduce some exercise back into my life, and i'm not talking about that, get your mind out of the damn gutter. he's all about going for walks and runs and dragging my slacker ass along for the ride. never mind that the whole time i'm thinking about what i'm missing on the food network but deep down i know it's good for me and i sort of appreciate the encouragement even though i do dislike the actual activity itself. not that there's anything wrong with it, i just dislike activity on general principle alone because i can and i'm good at it.
but things are different. and good. we're fighting the urge to ease back into old routines and habits, which isn't easy. but we both want things to work and with that goal in mind we're both set on changing things about ourselves, since we can't change things about each other. and it seems to be working. of course, it's only been a week. ask me next week how it's going.
i may need help disposing of a body.
i have a job interview on friday morning. i'm looking forward to that. because while i do enjoy being unemployed, i enjoy even more having a place to live and gas in the car. and being cute doesn't provide me with the dollars for those things, or at least enough dollars.
i love panera. i can sit here all afternoon, listen to really bad jazz muzak and enjoy free wifi and good smells. and the employees know exactly what i'm doing. but since i'm not the only one doing it, i don't feel bad at all. plus, you get to hear the funnest things. (is that a word?) today i got to listen to two old ladies determine if the outfit that old lady number one was going to wear to old lady number two's grandson's graduation party was "in style." (it was determined that it was not, that jacket went out of style ages ago, heavens to mergatroid.) i got to listen to this guy get fired for stealing a company truck. (but if he returns the keys, the license plates and all the beach boys cds, they won't prosecute.) and i got to hear an argument between a bf/gf over how much he hates mustard. (she thought he loved it; in fact, he told her mother that he loved mustard on turkey sandwiches and now she wonders what else he's lied to her and her mother about.)
18 March 2008
so here i am, sort of minding my own business - at least, as much as i ever do - and here it comes. person of type number 3 and their baggage. and instead of the blame and the hurt that i expect to receive, it's nothing like that. it's everything i've been wanting to hear for a long, long time. except i know i'm not supposed to want to hear it - i know because i'm told this by everyone that more logical and knowledgeable than i - but i can't help it. it sounds good. and it feels good. it feels right. i don't know if it is - i don't know what it is, really. i don't know if it's permanent, i don't know if it will be here next week or even tomorrow. but in all this time, i've been telling myself that i don't want it and i don't need it and i've been lying. to myself and everyone else. because deep down, i've wanted it all along.
and so we talked. via text. then on the phone. and finally in person. not timely, obviously. and it was awkward. it was so awkward and so painful. but so seemingly necessary, for both of us. it was bound to happen, you know? so i told the story, i told it from beginning to end - i didn't leave out any of the details. and i listened to his version and his apology. and i cried. i cried hard. for a long time, i just couldn't speak. and i finally let him hold me and it felt so good, there was just something so right about it, i can't explain it. i can't put it into words.
i don't know where this leaves me. it's not the beginning of anything but it's not the end of anything, either. and i think we all knew that. i just liked to pretend that i was over it because it didn't hurt as much that way.
i'm just afraid that if i don't try i'll always wonder.
i'm sorry to disappoint you.
talk. but don't listen.
listen. but don't care.
care. but don't get involved.
get involved. and the whole time, wonder why.
wonder why and wonder how and wonder if it is the right thing or the wrong thing and wonder how in the fuck i'm ever supposed to figure any of this out.
16 March 2008
it's actually been kind of a busy week. it seems like every day last week i had to go to dsm for some reason. i had doctor's appointments and things just about every day last week. they all went well. i saw my therapist on thursday; she's wonderful. i just got to talk and talk about my trip. she thinks that moving will be good for me and that i'll find someone that deserves me. and she understands what i mean when i say that my days are no longer good and bad, it's more of a good moment/bad moment kind of thing that i experience. and she says that will never really go away, which i already sort of knew but hated to hear, you know?
i saw dr. mahone on friday morning. i hate that office more than i can put into words but i love that doctor so much - she is so sweet and so caring and so incredible. the first thing she said when she walked in is that she has no doubt that i will be able to have many, many healthy babies in the future. and i just broke down and cried. because i desperately wanted to hear that. no matter how much i wanted this baby, i needed to hear that from her. she did an exam and said that my body is back to normal and it won't be long before my heart doesn't hurt as much as it does right now. i find that hard to believe, but she said its the truth - it just takes time. i know she's right, because honestly it seems to be working. every day it hurts a little bit less but it's still there. some days it's a little less painful than others and other days i can't put it away - i can't shelve it, i can't put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard i try.
like right now.
but i'm learning to cope. i just tell myself that it wasn't my time, that i'll get to meet him later and that my little man is waiting for me, i just have to be patient for my someday. and then i don't feel quite so bad. or so desperate.
i'm doing things for me. thursday afternoon i went to what nigel and i affectionately call chubby kids, or what the rest of the world calls weight watchers. she's had some success with it and it could be good for me too. i don't have as much weight to lose as others but i do need to get into some good eating habits because candy and fast food aren't good eating habits unless you have my little brother's metabolism. so that's kind of cool. now i'm counting the points value of everything. except the points value of the entire bottle of crown royal i drank on friday night. apparently counting points started on saturday afternoon.
friday was an interesting night, to say the least. i learned how to play assholes and presidents, which i still think is a made-up card game. and i sent out some mass drunk text messages, which i know were not appreciated by all recipients. (sorry.) but i did hear from a long lost ... friend? and got to spend time with him, although i have no idea what i said to him, and that sort of bothers me. but now that i know he's still out there, it's making me crazy. i think i was better off not knowing...
i really did drink myself into quite a painful state on friday - so much that i stayed home from green beer and pat benatar on saturday and so did nigel. and that's saying a lot. i slept all day yesterday and all last night. i still don't feel great - my chest feels all compressed and weird and i can't breathe. it kind of feels pneumatic but i don't have a fever or anything so i don't know what that's all about. it's probably nothing.
speaking of pneumonia, my poor, poor grandma is in the hospital. she's been having trouble breathing for some time and has been on oxygen and apparently hasn't been on enough oxygen. she went to the hospital via ambulance this morning and was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. she'll be there a few days to a week, which is sad because her birthday is this saturday and all the family is coming down. i hope she's out so she can enjoy it. i just hope she's okay. she looked perfectly awful this morning; her face was all swollen and puffy, i guess the steroids she's been taking makes her face swell but it looked terrible and it was kind of shocking. mom said she's been trying to prepare me for that but there's really no way to be prepared for that. i was really surprised. plus, she didn't have any makeup on and she looked really pale and small - she's just so tiny. it was just scary. i'm not good at stuff like that.
with the exception of two grandpas pretty much in the same weekend, i've been pretty lucky when it comes to stuff like that. that was 10 years ago. i'm not ready for anyone else to go but i probably don't get a lot of say, you know?
i got a new tattoo. it's beautiful. it's my direct connection to the baby; it's my way of honoring the baby. to me, it's better than jewelry. i'll post a picture when it heals. it's still kind of red and sore right now.
so last week i had a little too much to drink on thursday night and came home and went to bed and forgot to make my picks for my fantasy nascar league. which means that i missed the deadline and had to use the same picks from last week. i spent the last few days convinced i was going to give up my lead in my fantasy league all over an extra margarita. oh hell no! kevin harvick (my a-team driver and my dreamworld lover, oh how i love, love, love kevin harvick!) spun out tony stewart on the second to last lap to take second place and i not only held on to first place again this week (woot woot!), i won in points this week!
i know - i rule.
and with that, i'm going to bed. or rather, i'm going to go watch some csi and then i'm going to go to bed.
12 March 2008
i don't have anything to say. i sort of have a headache. i haven't updated my 365 in two days. it's turning into a 367. slacker! i need to find some boxes; where do you go to find boxes? i should look at my own apartment complex. people are always moving in there. i may just do that tomorrow. i have to go back to dsm tomorrow for another appointment. i didn't get to go to the doctor today, we were running late and they rescheduled me for friday. good thing i love to drive. remember the movie "empire records"? remember the adorable aj? he's on csi: miami. just a fun fact for cocktail parties. as if i needed another reason to watch.
i really don't have anything to say. i might go to bed now.
oh. ps. i'm writing this from the comfort of my pseudo-bedroom. oh hells yes. we've gone wireless in this hizzouse. :D
11 March 2008
things here are mad crazy messed up and it's not just me. there's reassurance in numbers, but there's nothing reassuring about what's going on here. my grandma's health is failing, my mother is miserable in her job (to the point that it's affecting her health and her sanity) and her job is so awful and unstable, there's no telling what will happen, even on a day to day basis. it's so bad i can hardly stand to listen to it.
it's weird, what we get used to in a short amount of time, you know? like last night, i went to the door of the refrigerator and looked for the water. except there isn't a water dispenser there. but i really had to look before i figured that out. and then when i went to bed, i stood in the center of the bedroom to adjust the ceiling fan. except there was none, but i stood there waving my hands in the air for a couple minutes before i realised that. retard. this morning i woke up wondering if ryan had work to do. and he may have work to do. but my sleeping in really has no impact on that considering i'm 996 miles away. work away, ryan. put plans on the futon. really. however, i was so extremely spoiled by the wireless internet i could just cry. i'm ready to drill a hole in the damn ceiling and run wires, resale value be damned.
10 March 2008
i never really unpacked so i don't really have to repack. i do have to have my phone charger because nigel and i had a text fest this afternoon. snackmaster bob's birthday is coming up and we're trying to plan bobfest '08. he wants a dj, naked bb gun fights and stripper poles. i'm down with that. last year, we didn't have bobfest until october and it was basically a garage party that nigel and i spent in the house playing barbie with the kids because we didn't know anybody outside. i don't know how that worked out.
i can tell that libbeth and ryan are ready for me to leave. they've tried to infect me with the flu and human parvovirus b19 and i just won't go away. you know, you don't have to give me communicable diseases. you could just politely ask me to get my slacker ass and my shit out of your office so you could get some work done. (hint, hint.) but if i get a "slapped around bitch" rash, i am calling your daughter's guidance counselor and giving her a what for. when i come back in a few weeks, i'll bring me a damn tent and sleep in the back yard. deal? :D
do you think green beer makes your pee green?
st. patrick's day is coming up! i've never had green beer! does it taste any different than regular beer? will it make my teeth green? how's about my tongue? (doesn't the word tongue look like it should be pronounced ton-goo?) st. paddy's day celebrations will be taking place the same evening as our pat-benatar-sing-a-long, so that ought to be fun. i 'll just have to find something green to wear.
i ate too much candy today. too many dove dark chocolate eggs, too many doritos, too much mtn. dew. top that with some olive garden ziti and i am one sick chick. hallelujah, holy shit. where's the tylenol?
okay. i should be thinking about bed. at least i don't have to go to bed so early this time around. i overslept last time and woke up in a panic! but not at the disco. bollocks.
peace out, ninjas. i'm done for now.
09 March 2008
we're watching "young guns 2." have you seen this? i have not. and i can say that even after watching this that i still haven't seen it. because i'm not paying a bit of attention even though i claim to be multitasking. westerns aren't really my bag, homeslice. once charlie sheen died in the first one, i was all, oh hell no, and consequently found something better to do. like read about how emilio estevez almost went bankrupt while writing "bobby" in 2006, which is another movie i didn't see. that was definitely time well spent. because that will most definitely be printed on a trivial pursuit bankruptcy edition sometime in the near future and i will rock that game like a motherfucking hurricane.
yeah, so anyway.
i'm pretending to watch "young guns 2" and all i see is horses falling down every time a gun goes off. do horses really fall down all that often? how could they have been considered a reliable source of transportation if they were always falling down? think about all the horses used in wars and battles and shit - around all those guns and cannons and junk. how did anyone ever stay upright? how did anyone ever win anything? we are lucky we aren't a nation of elves riding on the back of snow leopards wielding 10-pound potato sacks and bamboo stalks if horses are so weak in the knees.
imagine a nation of snow leopard riding elves fighting a war against a batallion of weak-kneed and apparently top-heavy horses. that is a one-sided battle if i ever heard of one.
no. i'm not on drugs.
it's actually kind of cool; when i go back to iowa i'll actually feel like i've gained an hour. and then when i come back here in a few weeks, i will lose it again. i'm creating my own little time warp.
so the last week or so, i've been using proactiv. now i don't have a really bad acne problem, in fact, it's about the opposite. my skin is actually not that bad. i think all the hormones i've had lately have been contributing to the few pimples that i do have. but the rest of my skin is so clear, and i am so physically unable to leave the pimples that i do get alone (i'm a picker, i admit it), that they look awful. so libbeth had some proactiv and said it might work, so i thought i'd give it a try. especially since it works so well for all those people on tv, jessica simpson included.
so i've been washing, toning and lotioning every morning and every night. and that shit works, man. it works like a charm. i'm living in zit free zone. what they don't tell you - what jessica simpson doesn't tell you - is that it makes you feel like leatherface. wtf is up with that? i guess i should expect some leatherface action when i'm spreading pure prescription grade benzoyl peroxide on my face twice a day. and at this point, it's not noticeable to the innocent bystander. so i'm going to lay off the "repairing" lotion and see if that helps with my urges to wield a chainsaw in rural texas.
i read the proactive website top to bottom and leatherface was not mentioned anywhere. i'm hoping this is a temporary side effect because i'd like to be featured in an upcoming infomercial on a&e.
today is race day. my picks are way off the wall. i have a feeling my first place status is in jeopardy. it's too bad it's not still snowing in atlanta; it would be more interesting to watch my drivers if they lost while navigating the 1.54 oval while sporting tire chains on a track that was semi iced over. i'd call that a race. others would call it driving i-235 on a monday morning through the raging metropolis that is des moines.
but for now i think i may go look for something to eat. it's sunday and i'm hungry. somehow my body can discern weekdays from weekends. because i'm not hungry at all during the week. but on the weekends, all i want to do is snack. what's up with that?
08 March 2008
and i felt sorry for her. because i've been there before.
as it turns out, they got like four snowflakes in atlanta. and they decided to deice some planes. and that just fucked every plane in and out of atl for several hours, if not the rest of the day. the flight before mine was supposed to leave at 9am and delta was aiming for a 1pm departure. mine was scheduled to leave at 10am; they were hoping it would get out today. i just laughed; what do you do? i've been on both sides of the desk - there's no use in getting upset. it's not anybody's fault. so when i finally got to talk to an agent, at about 11am, i was given these options:
- a four legged trip on two different airlines, through washington dc and lga, where there is snow and ice and therefore no guarantee of getting home anytime soon. earliest arrival: tomorrow morning at 9am. oh hell no.
- a standby seat tomorrow night, departing at like 9pm. um, pass.
- or travel on monday, leaving at noon and getting into mci at 5 in the afternoon. okay. sign me up.
so i called libbeth and explained what was going on. she said she'd bring me a blanket and a pillow so i could sleep at baggage claim, which i thought was nice. so here i am, back to the futon. which is cool, since i didn't really want to go home anyway. nigel was way more upset about it than i was because we were going to get assy drunk. but there is always next weekend.
we are watching the north carolina superbowl: unc @ duke. i'm the lone blue devil in a house full of tar heels. the game is tivo-ed, we're watching it with a good 25 minute delay. however, i'm keeping an eye on the current score, thanks to espn.com, and i think it's going to be even more difficult to be a blue devil fan here in a few minutes.
and i was right. piss.
07 March 2008
i love john denver. i used to work in a family-owned bridal shop run by two sisters. one sister was a tree-hugging hippie who played nothing but sentimental john denver. the other never really left the drug-heavy disco era and as such played a lot of sly and the family stone and the more risque, if it can be called that, rod stewart. their mother, bless her heart, was bat shit crazy and asked for (and received) a skid loader for her birthday. i have no idea why i'm telling you any of this.
two and a half weeks of staying up until dawn has finally caught up to me. last night, again, i was up until at least 0430, watching the x-files and listening to my ipod. i like the x-files. i really like david duchovny. but watching the x-files and listening to my ipod and imagining the dialogue on television is an entirely different experience altogether. because i can make scully as whiny as i think she should be in my mind. and instead of scaring the holy crizzap out of me, like they usually do, it was absolutely hilarious.
anyway. i was telling you that finally, this weird ass schedule is catching up with me. because i only got a few hours sleep last night and i can feel it today. generally, i don't fall asleep watching television, but because ryan had a major project due today, he was working all night and therefore i was kicked out of the office and off the futon and onto the sofa. once i finally stopped giggling at stupid scully and her dumbass pantsuits and fell asleep, i fell asleep hard. so hard i was flopping around and flopped my ass right off the sofa and onto the floor, a two thumper even. ryan thought it might have been one of the kids so he came out to see what was going on, but he said he could tell it was me by the way i was sitting up, mumbling with my eyes wide open. he tried to talk to me but i never responded. he's lucky. i say some weird ass stuff in my sleep. some day, i'll ask libbeth to guest post about the intricacies of the janel. you will laugh your ass off.
another pro: you can buy schweppes ginger ale down here. that's the good stuff. none of that nasty ass canada dry crap.
so yes. i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i'm all packed. my clothes are laid out and i'm as ready as i can be this evening. i'm experiencing the same sort of anxiety that i did as an eight-year-old prior to the first night of school. because i don't want to leave. part of me wants to stay, because let's face it: i'm on vacation and who ever wants that to end? der. part of me wants to stay because i don't want to leave this little family i've grown to love so much. but i also don't want to leave because i don't want to have to face the reality and bullshit in iowa either. it would be really easy to just let it all go, leave all the responsibility behind and run away. but i can't do that again.
so today i made a list of all the things i have to accomplish upon my return, and i'm sure it's not complete. i know i haven't thought of all of them and i know it will only get longer. i also made a list of things i need to do before i move, some of these are the same thing, some are a little different. because ultimately, i would like to spend 2-3 weeks back in iowa and then come back down here, to interview and stay for a while or for work and to move, however it happens to work out. did you hear that? i've decided i want to move. now, i don't want to live on the futon and i know they don't want me to. but i'd like to come back down and get things in place, whatever that happens to be.
around that time, libbeth should be having or should have already had the baby and i may be able to assist around the house and with the other kids. i will never be able to repay them for the good that they've done me the last 19 days - and i don't even mean opening their home or feeding me, because i probably won't be able to repay them for that either - this trip has been so very therapeutic and good for my soul. i feel so much better, in my head and in my heart, and i know it's because i was able to get away and look at my life from a distance, another perspective.
that said, i would only like to come back as long as i am able to help and i'm not in the way. because a new baby, or a baby soon on the way certainly changes the way a household operates. and another house guest can certainly make things more difficult. so i want she and ryan to discuss that before i knock on their door.
but that is my plan, as of yet, anyway. i'll let you know if it changes. and for now, i'm going to go to bed. or go lie down. it's barely the crack of midnight and i'm going to try to go to sleep. sha, right. but i do have to be up early; my flight leaves at 10am. wtf was i thinking?
05 March 2008
janel's carb-o-palooza at the early girl eatery: mac n' cheese, mashed potatoes, coleslaw, and candied sweet potatoes. i am slowly coming off this sugar rush and it's fucking painful, dude. somebody get me some sugar, stat! i'll eat it from the damn bag!
libbeth's crab cake and fried green tomato napoleon at the early girl eatery. holy crap this was good. i wanted to eat it for her but she's pretty quick and accurate with a fork and i like my fingers attached to my hands.
this is libbeth, saying, "put down that stupid camera, i'm trying to eat." i don't listen very well.
we walked and we ate and we shopped and we ate and she bought 100$ shoes and we ate. it was a good time. asheville is an interesting town. it's sort of like madison, wisconsin, in that nothing is square or plumb or seemed to be laid out with any sort of plan in mind. "hmm, let's build a building and then put a street here and then, oops, dead end and we'll make this a one way and this looks like a great place for a park and nope! you can't enter here - wrong way!" navigating the neat-o neighborhoods was sort of like navigating diagon alley in harry potter (and i do have to give credit to libbeth for that analogy). it was a tiny little street that should have been an alley; barely wide enough to drive. i don't know how people parked. it was awesome. it would have been jolly fun to drive but it appears that the superjanel's driving record precedes her and because of this, libbeth will not allow me to drive in her presence. however, everytime she sees a state patrol/highway cop/city cop/county cop/rent-a-cop/car that resembles a cop she slams on the brakes and screams, "fuck i think i was doing 80!" but who am i to judge...
we browsed some really cool shops. one lured us in with their 8$ shoes only to find 145$ sweaters, which i think is NOT COOL. it was all full of hippie clothing and peace signs and crap, and i'm all down with that, really, i am, but i thought hippies were cheap and poor and into buying into the whole, "this is all natural and made of dirt and sticks and pure cotton and old newspaper and things and i made it in my kitchen sink last month and i've been wearing it everyday since and i know it smells but it just adds to the authenticity of nature, man" thing, instead of, "look at my fantastic peasant skirt made by calvin-fucking-klein." there's just something not right with that. so i've come to the conclusion that asheville is full of rich hippies or boomer hippies whose children have grown up and now they're going back to their flower-child, flowing-skirt wearing ways, except it's a new war and their boobs are all saggy. hey, whatever floats your boat. i'll buy your 8$ shoes if you had my size.
i didn't buy much. i got a couple new journals: one to write in and one that i'll carry around with me that will hold everything that i need to remember but will forget. i believe i have premature alzheimer's. seriously. because i can't remember jack anymore. if i don't write it down, then it's dead to me. it's gotten to the point where i actually say, "i need to write this down" and then i don't, and then later, i'm all, "what was that i was going to write down?" and no one can remember because apparently my condition is terrible and awful and contagious and i am so, so very sorry to all that i have inflicted this upon.
i think my feet stink. i wore slippas today and i think they made my feet stink. i desperately want a pedicure.
only three days until nigel and bob and i are getting skanky drunk. woot.
is it a peach or is it a butt? you be the judge. from here, it almost looks like it's pooping. ew. we passed this on our way home tonight. this isn't my picture, by the way. it was too dark for pictures.
so we missed our turn coming home, which i'm gathering for libbeth is a common thing, but i'm down with it because i dig sightseeing, even at night. this means that we drove a few miles out of our way and through south carolina. i wasn't a geography major - i never even took geography in high school. but let me put this all together for you - this is how ganked up the roads are down here: we started out in north carolina. we took a "wrong" turn and ended up in south carolina. as far as i could tell, coming from the girl with no sense of direction, who wasn't wearing her glasses and wasn't really watching the road (i'm just being honest here) we only turned once (and it wasn't to turn around, der) and then we were back in north carolina and then we were home. what the hell is that all about? how is that even possible? i am so confused. i need to buy a map. if i'm going to move, i need to buy a map and i need to study. i need someone to quiz me. seriously. because i am going to be one lost little girl, calling my mom to google me out of the ghetto.
we watched some kid chase down an old man who tried to steal gas tonight. that was exciting. the old man got in his car and drove off and the kid (who was hot, by the way!) came out of the store and got in his car and chased him down. like 30 seconds later they were both back and the old dude was inside, trying to pay with a bogus card. weird. how do you explain that? "um, oh yeah... i forgot? thanks for coming to ... remind... me?"
i am wearing the worst pair of underpants in the world. no joke. i don't know what happened to these, they're really cute and i like the color, they're pink and white stripes, all hip huggery. but i think they got cooked in the dryer or something because they apparently don't have any elastic in them. and i remember thinking this the first time i wore them but it's gotten progressively worse every time since then. and it's gotten so bad that as we were walking along our little diagon alley today, i was all, "um, i think my underpants are around my ankles and i don't think they go there." it was quite strange. but i'll probably pack them up and take them home because the big dog here likes to go through the trash on occasion and it could possibly traumatizing for all if she were to dig my broken underpants out of the garbage.
i leave on saturday. i don't want to go home. i'm going to go troll myspace for cute boys now. peace out, ninja. :D
i'm glad i didn't spend any money on this for libbeth's birthday. she says the entire operation is penis based, as the chocolate-dipped bananas are "phallic" in nature and the phone number is 877-DO-FRUIT.
she may be on to something. or maybe we just watch entirely too much tv.
04 March 2008
i'll admit, my sense of humor is a bit demented, but i know at least two other people that actually find that funny. seriously. and they're breathing.
i didn't eat much today. i wasn't hungry when i woke up and i always brush my teeth first thing and then i really don't want to eat; my teeth just feel too good. by the time i actually got hungry it was about 4pm and libbeth was making brownies. brownies that contained sweetened condensed milk. and i love sweetened condensed milk. it just so happened that her recipe only called for about half a can of that sweet, sugary goodness, leaving about half a can for me to enjoy. so i did. and then i paid for it later. so let me offer this advice to you: even if you have the opportunity, just don't do it. restrain. don't eat half a can of sweetened condensed milk. ever. it's just not worth the pain later. :-(
in spite of eating really healthy food like sweetened condensed milk, i have managed to lose about 8 pounds. don't ask me how i've done this. i'll probably find them before i go home.
okay. so on my 101/1001, i listed that i wanted to delete my myspace page. and sometime back in december, i actually did that. i think i told everyone that i was tired of the drama associated with myspace but in all actuality i was tired of the look the bee would give me whenever i got online. i think he was afraid that i was trolling the internet for better looking or smarter or nicer or [insert some adjective that doesn't describe the bee here] - and who knows, perhaps that was my unconscious reason. anyway. i deleted it. and then earlier this week, i signed back on after i realized that if i was going to have any friends in iowa, i was going to have to have a myspace. because it doesn't seem to matter what age you are, it is the basis for any sort of social life. (sad, isn't it?)
anyway, that being said, the point of that whole paragraph is that i now, once again, have a myspace. (i never crossed it off my 101/1001, so i don't have to worry about that.) and i swear, i am not being dramatic about it - i'm not causing any trouble, i'm not stirring any shit. however, there are people i know, people i'm friendly with, that are stirring shit with me. wtf is that all about? this particular person is nice enough to me to my face, although i know she's talked smack when i turn around. she does this to everyone. she's not well known for strong loyalty or strong morals (or strong knees, if you know what i mean, dude). so i'm not letting this get to me on a real serious level - i'm keeping her and her mouth at a distance, you know? it just never fails to amaze me the ignorance of the small town persona. if you live in a small town, you just can't escape it, you know? i know better than to let it get under my skin, but every now and then it just surprises me.
i don't think i ever mentioned this on here. in fact, i don't think i ever mentioned this guy to anyone other than nigel and maybe libbeth. but the same night that i hung out with the new guy, last night's drunk dialer, i also met a really nice guy - like seriously, a nice guy - that's originally from the area but has since moved away. we talked and drank and had a good time and we've talked off and on ever since that night. i didn't think he was going to be back until some time in april or even may. instead i find out that he'll be back in a couple of weeks - about the time that nigel and i will be belting out pat benatar in a drunken and slovenly manner. (i believe the phrase of the day is "skanky drunk", yes?) anyway, i'm excited to see him. i hope he's as nice as i remember because i was about 8 tequila sunrises into my evening when we met - my judgement may have been moderately "impaired." i guess i'll find out in a couple of weeks.
it poured like a motherfucker all day long today. it lightning-ed and thundered and it was warm and muggy and i'm not complaining at all, i love days like this. it's hard to get out of bed though. especially when i was up until nearly 5am. i was nearly asleep when the phone started ringing and i couldn't sleep for awhile after that. i'm still not sure what to think of all that, but i will say this: i only drunk dial the people i don't have the balls to dial when i'm sober. and i've polled a few people on this and that seems to be the standard among us that do actually drunk dial. hmm...
libbeth's dog just ran by me and farted. gross.
tomorrow we're going to asheville. it's in the mountains. i'm excited to see it, i've read that its beautiful. every time i've been here before, we've gone to the beach or done other random stuff like white water rafting or whatever. we've always talked about heading west and into the mountains but for whatever reason, we've never gotten around to it. i'm a little worried that in her present condition (33.5 weeks along with a ferocious little baby trying to scratch her way out) that libbeth won't be up to it. i'm trying really hard not to stress her out. which is why staying home and hanging out with the kids doesn't bother me. really. because just being somewhere, other than home, is good for me right now. and she and her family make me feel good.
i've started my 28*365 (the link is in my list, over there somewhere). it's actually a lot of fun. i've got a list of people that have somehow had some sort of impact on my life and i write a paragraph (or more, i guess, i don't know) about one of them every day for the next year (365). the 28 is the year of my life in which i choose to do this. i've got a pretty good list already, and with every conversation i have i think of someone else. it's interesting. i did the one for this morning and then i wanted to do more. so i did the rest of them for this week, even though technically i don't think that's how it's done.
i'm addicted to wendy's chicken nuggets. yum.
okay. i'm done for now. but i leave you with this little gem. because one can never have too much of the best of craigslist. :D
he was drunk as a skunk (or pretending to be so, i'm not really sure, because by the end of the conversation, his drunkness was wearing off) and driving to his hotel somewhere in northern iowa. he needed someone to talk to in order to keep him awake. for some reason, i was the chosen one. it didn't bother me. because i'd been wondering if i'd hear from him again after our not-so-fulfulling text conversation a while back and i didn't feel like instigating any contact. but i don't think i'm the only one that has been considering it, given the conversation. i do believe, and i think this came from crusty, that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
but we'll see if he calls when he says he will.
and on to other topics.
i am feeling so much better today. i think a day of nothing but rest and sleep did me wonders. because today i feel like i could take on the world. literally. i want to do stuff today. except it's supposed to rain and storm and blah blah blah, so i think our plans to go to ashville got scrapped. which is too bad, because i was really looking forward to that. but i'm sure there are other things we can do.
i haven't ventured too far off the futon this morning - okay, that's a lie, i haven't moved from the futon in about 9 hours, truth be told - so i don't know how the kiddos are feeling. i'm assuming that girl child #1 went to school as planned because she was feeling better yesterday, but man child and girl child #2 seem to be getting worse instead of getting better. not a lot of point in hauling them off to a local m.d. as it seems to be viral, but you can't help but feel sorry for the little buggars. there's nothing more pathetic than a child with a fever, unless it's a child with a fever wearing pigtails. and if you could have seen girl child #2 yesterday, you'd know exactly what i mean.
just a few more days and then i go home. i don't want to go home. i'm really good at living out of suitcases in someone else's house. anyone else need a houseguest? i'm relatively clean, i stay out of the way, and kids seem to like me. i just don't know if i'm ready to make decisions that need to be made and face the thing that need to be faced. i've gotten kind of spoiled, being gone for so long. and i'm going to miss my little "second family" here so much, leaving will be hard.
i don't want to think about it. i'm getting out of bed now.
03 March 2008
i just wanted to remind you all of the superiorjanel's supremacy.
i'm not a good patient. in fact, i'm a terrible patient. i'm whiny and crabby and just all around ooky. it's unfortunate that i'm away from home and getting sick; i don't generally like to subject people that aren't related to me to the carryings on of the sick janel.
its monday. if i had a job, i would complain about it. but i don't have a job, so i can't. instead, i woke up today at the crack of noon-thirty-four and now i'm watching cartoons and thinking about taking a shower. i heart vacation. i wish i could stay on vacation. but part of me is kind of tired of being a slack-ass, so getting a job will be a good thing. when and if it happens.
see? that's me, being dramatic again. because i know that eventually, i will find a job that i like and that will pay what i need. but because i'm sick and when i'm sick the world falls apart, i feel like being all melodramatic and standing up and delivering a soliloquy here in the living room, except my audience would be more interested in "maggie and the ferocious beast" (which is the dumbest cartoon ever made) than they would ever be interested in the self-centered ramblings of a houseguest who is semi-feverish and needs a shower and a clean pair of socks.
but i digress. so i'm going to go share my germs with the others and eat craisins (if i haven't eaten them already) and drink milk (if i haven't drank it all already) and watch more cartoons. perhaps later we can go get some advil cold and sinus, because i'm sure that would make me feel a little bit better and take the edge of my melodramatics. i'm sure that would be appreciated by all.
i didn't do a lot today. i slept pretty late. i've been sleeping late pretty much everyday but that happens when you're up until at least 3am every night of the week. even when i'm tired and have the opportunity to go to bed at a "normal" hour, i find myself awake until nearly dawn. and then i sleep until the day is half over. a routine is good but i don't think this is the routine my therapist had in mind.
i talked to my mom today, for a long time. which was good - i haven't really talked to her since i've been here and i've missed that. she's been under a lot of stress at work, which is something that i've purposely avoided talking about because it makes me sad - the changes going on at her job. but she seems to be handling it exceptionally well, given the circumstances. i don't want to sound condescending in saying this, but i'm proud of her. she's finally making decisions that are best for her and not everyone else in her life, which is what she needs to be doing. a career change has to be scary at this point in her life, but it will do her loads of good. and i'm happy for her. we talked about my trip and the changes i'm considering making in my life. we talked about my brothers and things going on at home. we talked about the beautiful weather here and the nightmarish weather at home. it was good just to talk to her; she calms me down, makes me feel better. i miss home but at the same time i'm not ready to go back.
now *all* the kiddos are seriously sick. fevers and a little bit of throw up and clammy hands and foreheads, the poor things. apparently the incubation period for this illness seems to be 72-96 hours, which means i should be good and sick by wednesday or thursday.
i may try to go to bed early, maybe try to build up my immune system before wednesday. yeah right.
02 March 2008
so as if one blog isn't enough, i'm considering this. i think it seems kind of interesting. besides, i want to know if i can remember that many people and their names and what i did or did not find remarkable about them. if you read some of the blogs that others have done, there are some really interesting things out there. people have put a lot of time and thought into this. others, well, not so much. i don't want to do it if i'm going to fall into the latter, of course, so i'm going to give it some thought. but it sounds like it could be fun.
all the kiddos are sick. i think even libbeth and ryan are coming down with something. i'm trying really hard not to catch it and that means taking lots of vitamins (but not 40 in one day) and hiding out when possible (because germs are far less communicable when they're not in your room). however, i think ryan is chomping at the bit to toss my lazy ass off the damn futon so he can get some work done, and understandably so. if he can't work, he can't make money. and if he can't make money, libbeth can't buy groceries. and if she can't buy groceries, then i can't eat. so for my own well being, at least for the next week, i really should remove myself from this room and let him get some work done. good lord almighty, i am such a slack ass.
there has to be something more productive i can be doing. toodles for now...
01 March 2008
no more february. and between me and you, i'm ready for it. this year has sucked ass, so far, in a royal suck-ass kind of way. and i'm ready for that to be over and done with.
so last night, while i was unplugged and subjected to adult conversation, we watched "american gangster." imdb gave it 8.1 out of 10 stars and i'd pretty much have to agree. the janel bases her movie ratings on several factors, one being the hotness of the actors contained within, and with denzel washington and the hotel-concierge-phone-bashing russell crowe, you just can't go wrong. but it was a true story, which i did not realize, and it had an amazing soundtrack, even though i was wrongly led to believe that it would contain jay-z, so here's a big screw you, itunes. just a couple of fun facts for you: denzel washington is 53 years old (which i could not look up last night because i was unplugged) and watching movies at 1.5x speed is weird and sort of fun and not fun all at the same time. everyone seems all jacked up, which is kind of funny, but you can't understand a word they are saying, which is not fun. i'm just saying.
my ear feels better this morning, now that there are no intergalactic life forms growing in it. if i could keep my finger out of it, it would feel a whole lot better. i can hear out of both ears now and that's kind of nice. i don't think it's infected, but it's kind of hard for me to see, being all in my ear and stuff. i'd ask libbeth to take a peek but i'm afraid she'll come at me with a scalpel or an iron maiden or something equally frightening and i'll end up quartered in the bathroom and all over a zit in my ear. what a way to go.
i should take a shower. i think i've been wearing these socks for a few days. i'm around. i'll be back. hopefully i'll smell better. in the meantime, read this. it cracks me up. :)
wahh, wahh, wahh, i'm jeff gordon and i'm a big sucky, whiny baby. and i don't have an upper lip. side note: i actually went to hs with a girl who had no upper lip. her name was katy (which is a name i don't particularly like but not because of her) and i do a really good impression of it. so this means i may or may not do a really good impression of jeff gordon.
in fact, this term of endearment is so emblazoned in my brain that i feel bad for posting this here without a target smeared across his big dumb head. however, this is one of the drivers that i am dependent upon for points this week. and i am not a happy, happy hippo to have to make this choice. jeff gordon sucks ass. i'm not going to hold back. i think he's a closet homo. i'd roundhouse kick him in the vagine if i ever got the chance. in fact, it's a con for my whole moving decision that he lives in the damn state of north carolina.
oh yeah, i said it.
but i'm counting on this asshole to do well this week so i can retain my top dog, shit slinging status on my fantasy nascar board. because that's how i roll.
i'm hungry. where's the cookies?