you hold him down, i'll shoot him with his own bow and arrow...

yay! its 0005, meaning that vd is over and i can move on with my life. a friend turned me on to calling it 'single awareness day' but when you abbreviate that, it's still 'sad.' fuck that.

so. i acted on the previous incident. would you like the grisly details? i guess if you don't, you can just skip to the next section. last night, out and about in the raging metropolis that is east dbq, i was with a group of people that included the gran massa and one of his friends, justine and a couple other people i don't know, which doesn't really mean anything because i only know like five people here and i think four of them hate me. but that's not the point of this.

drinks were consumed. i was sitting by this really interesting fellow who thought i was amazing. at least he didn't talk about my eyes. barf. anyway. more drinks. fun to be had by all. the sad thing is, i don't even remember any of this - i'm telling this story as a collection of stories told to me by innocent bystanders. anyway, as the story goes, horseplay at the bar. my finger, justine's eye. his contact falls out.

his perfectly reasonable response to this?

he hauls off and slaps the holy shit out of me.

no kidding. his hand, the left side of my face, direct fucking contact. i was so fucking shocked i couldn't even move. and then i guess i sort of came to and i heard a bit of a commotion as he was asked to leave. or maybe he volunteered, i'm really not sure.

i know people asked if i was okay. i wasn't, but i wasn't going to admit that. it was more of a blow to my ego at the time. i've never been hit - by a guy - in public like that. so naturally, what do i do? i completely come to my senses and decide i'm going to take him on and anyone else who gets in my way. except he's nowhere to be found and this is prolly a good thing.

i get taken home. i sleep. i get up. i have a knot in my stomach all day. ALL DAY. i haven't eaten. my hands are still shaking. i'm disgusted with the entire situation.

really - what kind of person does that? who does he think he is? what makes it alright for someone to assault me? and honest to god, if i'd been spastic at the mouth or mocking him, i could at least understand it. just a little bit - it wouldn't make it better, but it would *almost* make sense.

so tonight. after my drive to msn and half a cheeseburger and a fish purchase (bruiser, how fucking appropriate), i decided to file a police report. i go to the edbq pd and let them photograph my face and this nice blue streak along my jaw about 47 different ways.i have to fill out paperwork. i have to write a formal statement. i have to actually write the statement, 'i am filing this complaint because justine assaulted me. i would like him prosecuted for this action.'

humiliating.

so where does this go from here? investigation (their words, not mine. it's csi: edbq!), paperwork, warrant. look out buddy. :)

i'm tired and i need to ice my face. do we have any peas?

what's with today today?

i had a long, beautiful eloquent post written. but ie crashed and took my unpublished post with it. fucking whores. so rather than rewrite the entire thing, because 1) words of such a poetic nature could never be rewritten and 2) i don't really remember everything i wrote about, i'll just give you a highlights paragraph and go from there...

• it's fucking cold.
• i'm fucking cold.
• it's fucking cold outside.
• it's fucking cold inside too.
• it's not going to warm up any time soon.
• i hate winter.
• my brother's sofa is absolutely hideous.
• but it's really comfy.
• i slept well.
• no naps behind the country kitchen for me today. :)
• and i didn't stab him.
• i don't even know what a shank is.
• my nose ring doesn't hurt today.
• and it's fucking cold.

i think that about covers it. there was some other stuff too, some whining about work and blah, blah, blah, but that's pretty typical and i can dish that shit out anytime, anywhere.

going on 1400. only one more hour of work and then i'm going shopping. shopping warms the soul, doesn't it? maybe that was soup. shit, i don't know. i have an asston of homework to do and i'm not going to get it done until absolute last minute because that's how i roll.

word.

i wore my starfish shoes the other day and my toe's all still broken, right? yeah, not a good idea. but my feet looked really cute. never mind that i couldn't walk upright, i was limping so bad. my shoes were cute and that's the main idea.

i have a friend that wants to set me up. i don't know if this is a good idea. ugh. i'm just now getting over my last blind date... that was about seven years ago.

61 minutes until shopping. 56 days until opening day. rock.

peas out.

love, superfreakinshortattentionspanjanel

tap tap, you're fucking dead... what the fuck?

last night, the gran massa champ convinced me that it was in my best interest to view the kill bill series. having not seen it before but knowing that it had received decent reviews, i was all for a mini-movie-marathon. what i was not prepared for was the biggest and stupidist anticlimactic ending of a lifetime. the movie just fucking stopped after she tap, tap, tapped bill in the chest, utilizing a super top double secret probation kung fu move. i have never in my life been so angry at a film, it was almost ridiculous. really. the first volume was interesting, comical - i enjoyed it. the second volume was over the top dialogue and information that had no bearing on the outcome in any way. seriously, i was so angry and so worked up i couldn't sleep last night. i was up until 0200 just swearing and for no good reason except that i'd just spent four hours of my life waiting for something spectacular when i could have been doing something productive. ugh. so, now when the gran massa champ says, 'this movie is so good' i'm going to know that he's a moron in the field of cinematography and i'm not going to listen to him. ever. again.

i'm at job #2 today. that's not even accurate anymore. this is job # only. so let me start over. i'm at job # only today. i had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to be here and after last night's events, i'm tired and hell and sort of crabby. plus my foot looks like hamburger and i'm a little grossed out by it. it's going to get better right? because right now it's not feeling like it's going to get better and it's certainly not looking as though its going to get better; it looks like the toes just going to explode and pop off. wouldn't that suck?

do you remember those commercials for vaseline intensive care lotion with the group of women sitting in a circle scratching the word dry into the arms? this was on when i was a child, so it's not anything recent you're going to find on we. that commercial is like burned into my brain and i don't know why. i used to see if i could scratch words into my skin. vaseline intensive care lotion is prolly soley responsible for a generation of kids my age growing up to be self harmers and cutters. anyhoo, the reason i bring this up is because it is soooo dry in my house the skin on my hands is just chunking up and falling off and it's sort of gross. i've tried hemp lotion and banana lotion and lotion lotion and body butter and nothing is working and my hands sort of hurt and they're looking a little grody. ugh. you'd think all the fishtanks would help the humidity level but it doesn't seem to be working this way.

fish update: roger and adolf are well. they eat like piggies and they love, love, love oranges.

okay. that's all i have for now. i just really had to get that kill bill shit out of my system.

peas out. love, superfreakinhatesthesupertopsecretfivefingerkungfumovejanel

i'm down to eight functioning toes

isn't that gross? it hurts like a mother. it hurts to walk, to stand, to sit - i'm in pain. so today i go to the hospital. i'm thinking that i can get into like an urgent care type thing. as it turns out, here in dbq, they have "convenient" care, available between the hours of 1600 and 2300. those hours are not convenient for me or my toe. so i went to the emergency room with a stubbed fucking toe. it's going to cost me 700$ when i'm all said and done and the remedy was not a cast, nothing spectacular - they taped the fat bastard to the toe next to it. i didn't even get any pain medication; the doctor wouldn't give it to me. i am not satisified with my first hospital experience in this city. i will not be returning to that hospital. give me drugs! give me something to take my mind off the pain! give me a shot! (not that kind of shot.) something. anything. nope. i got a piece of gauze, a piece of tape and the doc's best wishes and his advice: "try not to stub your toe." he's a goddamn genius, gump. gah.

lets talk about school. school is... is stupid too harsh a word? i have two classes. one with a pompous ass of a prof and another with an instructor that wears high water pants with knee high boots. i don't know what kind of fashion statement that is but i don't agree with it. the classes shouldn't be that challenging; they generally aren't. i'm good at school. i'm generally too good for my own good. the challenge will be going and attending and paying attention and staying awake. but until they let me teach the fucking class i will have this internal argument with the institution of higher education (not necessarily the university of dbq but the idea behind higher education in general).

what else can i rant about? i had a conversation with eddy the other day. it left me with mixed emotions. i cried after i got off the phone with him - i miss him. i miss the conversations we used to have. he was my best friend, or i thought he was my best friend, for a long time. it's hard for me to shut that off and pretend it never existed. i guess some people can do that. i don't know how. i guess i just wonder if this is really how it was all supposed to end up, you know? i wonder if i somehow expedited the inevitable or if i'd just kept quiet things would have been okay someday. i'll never know and it's dumb to waste the time wondering, but the thoughts do cross my mind from time to time. it's just sort of a sad situation for all. so after i cried, and it was an ugly, snotty, red-eyed cry, i picked myself up and went off to school. and then i bought myself i big bottle of grey goose and a jug of cranberry juice and drank myself into oblivion. i wasn't feeling a thing until i stubbed my fucking toe. i realize that a stiff drink isn't the best way to resolve that issue but it was the best one i could come with at the time. and today it doesn't hurt as bad. or maybe i'm just not thinking about it. hmmm...

tomorrow i have things to do. laundry is at the top of my list. i also have to check on my student loans and see if i will have dollars this weekend, that would be nice. i need to get my oil changed; uugof is getting desperate. i'm beginning to get mail at my new address - that's a nice feeling. i love getting mail, it makes me happy.

okay. i don't know if i'm going to go to bed or play ps2, but i'm going to go do something. i'm tired of writing for now.

peas out.
love,
superfreakinbigasstoejanel

if you don't chew big red then fuck you

now i know that drinking until i'm stupid is hereditary. i feel better about my ignorance. omg, my fucking toe hurts. i look like i have a sausage attached to my foot where my pinky toe used to be. i'd take a picture but i can't find my camera and there's cheese all over the floor. there was cheese in my hair. gross.

this is my new favorite daily show clip...





i'm hungry. more later.

all we have left is a one pound block of provolone

i would show you the cheese fight but you tube says no. i think have a broken toe. that rhymes. i'm going to bizzed. gnite.

peas out.
love,
superfreakingdoesn'tknowwhentosaynotogreygoosejanel

i'm coming over there with a weed eater and some cool whip

ugh. i can't wait for the day when i can buy milk again. because i'm getting really freakin sick of poptarts. and it's not like i don't currently have a refrigerator or anything, it's just that i can't commit to drinking an entire gallon of milk right now. i can't commit to anything right now. like moving - am i moving on monday or wednesday? how about tuesday? and why is it when i google my new address nothing comes up?? i can't move, i don't know where i live. i don't know how to get there. that's sort of an issue. i don't really even remember what this house looks like, except that it has a garage (yay!) and it looks as though an armadillo exploded in the winter closet. but since i can't see that from the outside of the house it won't help me find it initially. hmmm...

all i want is some cocoa puffs! arrghh!

so what else is new? my toe still really hurts. i've bored everyone i know with my toe saga. i can't find anyone else that wants to talk about it. i'd post a picture of it but i can't find my camera. i don't know if i've packed it or lost it or what and for some reason my cell phone will take pictures but it won't send them anywhere. i don't know what's up with that.

and speaking of cell phones, i went over on my cell phone minutes last month. for the second month in a row. i have a gazillion minutes and i used a gazillion and 12 minutes last month. who am i talking to? and what am i talking about? what's so freaking important? and why aren't these people calling me so we can use their minutes? i'm going to get one of those minute managers like on tv, with the bullhorn, you know? or the guy who makes the christmas calls, 'happy holidays from the harrisons' CLICK. that cracked me up.

oh, it's sleeting in dfw and in stl. it's a wonderful day to not be at the airport. :D it's sleeting here too, but i have all-wheel drive which does not allow me to drive 90 miles an hour but does allow me to drive by all those idiots stuck in the ditch. hehehehe... i heart uugof. he's the shiznit. he's a little dirty at the moment but it's too icky to wash him. i'm sad to be leaving my alltime favorite car wash in pleasant hill, it even washes my wheels and uses soap that's three different colors and smells like bubble gum and tang, it's like aromatherapy for your car. i leave there and i just feel wonderful, which is good because when i drive in i feel like holy hell because i just spent 10$ on a fucking car wash and i'm a tad bit suicidal.

tonight is dindin with the fam and the gran massa champ. i'm just going to sit back and drink and see what happens. i figure the best way for this to play out is the darwin's theory of natural selection: the strongest will survive. at least mom already knows about my tattoos so he won't be privvy to that argument. hehehe... mom, i'm just kidding. i will participate in conversation and i'm not at all embarassed to introduce my friends to you. you're just as weird as i am. i know where it came from. :D

okay. i'm being pressured to work now. i don't know what that's all about. just because i sit at this desk doesn't mean that i know what i'm doing. gosh.

peas out.

love, superfreakinlovelyjanel

at least my toe's not bleeding anymore.

what a fucking day. today i sought closure. i got nothing. i still don't know if i'm employed, if i'm on leave, if i'm among the dregs of the earth, longing to collect state aid and searching for work. my boss, the dragon lady, is a weak piece of shit. and if i ever find myself with her in a dark alley with a sharp object (or even a dull one, i'm not picky) i'm going to bludgeon her to death. or if she falls off a curb in front of my car, she's out of luck. i don't brake for ineffective managers. ugh. i'm off now until the middle of next week, at least, and i'm going to work on this educational leave thing. if not, i'm done. i think i said this yesterday and i was so frustrated today i almost took my keys and stuck them in between her eyes and told her i was finished (except she snuck out the side door and called me from her cell phone to tell me she was no longer in the building). so i'm going to take some time, calm down and see what happens. gahh.

but the day didn't start off well. the landlord-to-be called to tell me that her fax machine ate all the pages with my name on them so they would need to be refaxed. not an issue, as i was at home with my 47-in-one print-scan-fax-blend-wash-dry-iron-sweep-microwave-400-pound machine at my disposal. so i haul it out of the bedroom and set it up on the breakfast bar so i can plug it in to the phone jack in the kitchen. this thing has 14 cords and they're all 27 feet long so already you know this isn't going to be good. and it does weigh 400 pounds. so i walk around to get it all plugged in, wrap the cord around my foot and pull the entire piece of shit down on my big toe.

my big toe basically explodes. it's all bloody. the printer is making this weird "ehhhhhh, ehhhhhhh, ehhhhhhhh" noise because while my toe has broken it's fall, the power cord has broken off inside the little hole in the back. nice, right? it's fucking great. so i'm bleeding all over the place, trying really hard not to bleed on the shit i need to fax to the landlord-to-be when i hear this awful hairball-yakking sound from the bedroom. the cat is barfing. everywhere. i mean, my toe is really gross looking and i wanted to vomit too, but come on. this is getting ridiculous. so i'm bleeding. the cat's barfing. nothing is being faxed. the phone's ringing. my mom wants to talk about cheap impalas and i'm trying to fish the broken pieces of this power cord out of the hole in the back of my printer with my 50$ tweezerman tweezers when my tweezers spring.

come on. how much worse can this day get? let's review: big fucking bloody toe. big fucking bloody broken printer. bloody carpet. vomiting cat. sprung 50$ tweezers. unibrow. shoes that go squish, squish, squish because i threw away all my bandaids in a fit of rage because my friends can't stay out of my medicine cabinet. (you know you were snooping!)

and to top it all off, i still don't know if i'm (un)employed. holy hell.

there were some good things though. once the papers were faxed, landlord-to-be called and she's now our landlord. we got the house. yay! we have a garage (with no opener but the gran massa champ seems to think he can install that... lol) and i have two bedrooms. i also sold two more longaberger baskets today. i went out tonight with pals and didn't get completely inebriated for once but instead held a nice buzz. i love my friends. i love them so much i think i may come back down next wednesday night just to see them. :) i met bob's girlfriend, she's the sweetest thing ever. i think i'm going to go home to acapulco with ernie in march. i'm going to have to start saving my dollars. or get a job or something. i got to touch shane's butt and that was really nice. if it weren't completely unsanitary i'd restrain from washing my hand for a while. *sigh*

so i have to be at work in c-town in about six hours or so. i think i may see if i can push that back. i'm going to be tired. i'm tired right now.

peas out.
love,
superfreakinadorablejanel

my fake plastic love

ugh. i'm not well today. i'm sort of wishing i'd hung on to that common sense last night because i think i was moderately out of control. i'm paying homage to the white porcelain god today for my ignorance yesterday. but it was fun while it lasted. i've been good. i deserve a retard badge every once in a while, right?

so. i'm not one to kiss and tell, and frankly, i couldn't tell you even if i wanted to, but here are the highlights. i got new jacket. i got a stalker. i got free drinks. i got some poor girl beat up. i think i broke up some couple or at the very least got them into a big fight. i danced for hours. cranberry and vodka, cherry bombs and i love pickle juice. i heard the line 'you have beautiful eyes' so many times i could puke. i saw whitney j, i haven't seen her in years and she no longer wants to beat my ass, that's nice. i made up for the new year, in fact i'm covered for the next four or five new years. i heard the cops were there as i was leaving and i'm not sure why but i was smart enough to know that my condition wouldn't earn me any brownie points and bob already said he wasn't bailing me out of jail. nigel and snackmaster bob took some other guy home and i was left to wander the parking lot looking for some guy's car when someone i knew found me and gave me a ride home. nigel was afraid she'd lost me for good, she left me like 14 voicemails in two minutes, and would have to explain that to my mom at work on monday. so how was your weekend? well, i lost your daughter. how was yours? hehehehe.... it was fun. but my head hurts and i prolly shouldn't have had a cheeseburger for lunch today; at least i should have picked off the pickles.

so. today i got my hair colored. it's dark. dark. dark. really. i like it. now i don't look pale and sickly i look pale and dramatic. it's a change. it's just hair. so i'm talking to courtney, the wonderful gal that does my hair, and we're discussing life and whatnot, and she's like, oh dear. and that's not something you want your stylist to say, ever. but she's like, you've got a grey. i freaked. seriously. i made her pull it so i could see it. and there it was, a little curly grey hair. omg. i wanted to ask them to put it in a baggie so i could take it home but she already thinks i'm a weirdo because i never care what she does to my hair, i'm just like, i dunno, make it do something different or make it a different color or whatever. but no, there it was, a grey hair. ugh. i'm getting old. i'm going to be 27 in february you know. yikes.

i have a bruise on my elbow. i don't know how it got there.

i go back to work tomorrow. i hear the rumor mill has been working overtime. ought to be interesting. i wonder when my last day will be. i got the nicest phone call from ua sherry today. she called me from home just to find out what's going on because apparently there are several different versions out and about and to tell me good luck and she's going to miss me. i like sherry - most people are afraid of her or hate her because she's a bitch but i get along with her. i'm going to miss so many people i could cry. this is like the one and only job i've ever really enjoyed, and having said that i don't know if it's the job that i enjoy so much as it's the people that i work with, you know? i mean, most of them. marty jones can fuck off and die a painful public, humilating death and that's okay, and there's a few others that i can live without, but for the most part i really like them all. and most of them have really comfy sofas and don't mind dragging my stupid ass around late at night when i need pancakes and a place to sleep.

table is gone. it really feels like i'm moving. it's a little strange. i'm realy not good at change, i kind of like things routine and normal and steady and this time i don't have anyone to blame this on but me, because i could have easily said no when gran massa champ started planting the seeds in my mind about going back to school. i guess some little part of me thought i could use a serious upheaval because that's what i'm getting. i can't do things small, you know? i have to go all out. i can't go to drake and move to dsm. nope, that's not dramatic enough. i guess that's just how i am. my biggest fear out of this whole thing is failure. that and not knowing. i've never done anything quite like this before. right now, i don't know anyone, i don't know where anything is, i don't know if i have a job, i don't even know if i could find my way home. so what if i get there and i hate it? what if i get really depressed and all i want to do is lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and not leave the house? what if i can't handle school? what if i fail and i have to come back to dsm and everyone will know that i failed? that's what i fear. i'm terrified of this whole thing. but. but. i'm in too far to back out now. and i think that all of this came together as such for a reason. it's beyond my control. besides, i can't live my life being afraid. so i'm done.

i had a couple of liberating moments this weekend. one. i threw away four of the five boxes of bandaids in the bathroom medicine cabinet. i'm not graceful in most uses of the word, but i was never the accident prone idiot in the house. as such, i tossed out about 30$ in bandaids. it felt nice. two. because i couldn't find a sticker for my car that just said the word 'fuck' and because it probably wasn't appropriate to put such a sticker on uugof, i asked roberto to remove the b29 from my back window. i'm not much of a supporter of the b29 anymore. in fact, i chuckled to myself as i watched the godfather piece off the car this weekend and make back about half of what he bought it for if my memory serves me correctly. naw, i don't chuckle. maybe cackle, but not chuckle. i'm not one for chuckling.

okay boys and girls. i'm tired and i have things to do.
love,
superfreakinhungoverjanel