28 July 2008
am i really *that* busy? (no.)
is my life *that* hectic? (no.)
nope. i'm just that much of a space case anymore - i have no idea what my problem is. i can't focus on much of anything without seriously straining myself. (ow, i just pulled my brain.)
that, and i'm really, really tired all of the time. right now even - and i slept in until well past 8 o'clock.
it's like an adult case of adhd - self diagnosed, because we all know that self diagnosed disorders are the most fun, right? when i was 9 years old, i read about restless leg syndrome in seventeen magazine. (and what the hell was i doing reading seventeen magazine at age 9, but that's for another day...) and for years i was convinced that i had rls. in fact, sometimes when i can't sleep at night and my feet are all fidgety i *still* think it's my rls kicking in.
hypochondriac much? eh, maybe.
but back to that adhd thing - for real, i might want to look into that. (in fact, reading this makes me worry just a little bit more.)
or it could just be the fact that i'm stressing about things that i have NO control over, none whatsoever. and that just pisses me off because i fear what i can't control. and the more i think about it - it, this thing that's stressing me out - well, it'll either happen or it won't. and either way, it's a good thing if it does and after a while, it's a good thing if it doesn't. so maybe i should just relax and wait and see - which is the advice that i've been given.
(easy advice to give.)
patience, grasshopper, patience.
too bad when god was handing out patience i jumped out of line because the wait was too long...
(i also missed the butt line, but again, that's for another post.)
i have to go to work today. blecch... but my adhd (hehehe...) may be to blame for my inability to get anywhere on time. seriously - "if you have ADD/ADHD, you may be chronically late to work" - it's right there in black and white.
and we all know that everything on the internet is true, right?
24 July 2008
um, no.a middle age woman said this to me from her car window this evening. i couldn't figure out what in the hell she was talking about until it dawned on me - she was referring to the dogs and not my underwear. not that i was wearing boxers - not that i ever wear boxers - but for some reason, i couldn't get it out of my mind that she was talking about my underpants until she went on to say that she has a brindle at home. brindle and underpants just don't mix - that's when i realized she was talking about the puddies.
it's just me and the puddies at home tonight. the bee is working overnight this evening. it's weird and quiet here without him - although, i can watch what i want to watch and that's pretty neat-o.
not that there's anything good on tv right now...
so i got a new phone. it's amazing. i'm in love.
this phone is pretty much the coolest thing ever. and it's GREEN, which is the best color ever.
i'm tired. and i can't think of anything else to write at the moment.
21 July 2008
pretty quiet weekend. the bee worked all weekend, i was home with the puddies for a lot of the time. i went shopping with mom on saturday, which is funny because you used to have to either sedate her or get her half crocked before she'd ever go shopping and now she's all, "i have to go here and here and here and i want to look at this..." it's just funny. we had a good time, in spite of the spoiled coffee creamer.
i've found this swimsuit i want but i can't bring myself to spend the money on it. even though it's not even a third of what i've been known to spend on swimsuits in the past. does this mean that i'm getting old and thrifty? maybe i just want to pay my bills more than i want to swim - because if i don't pay my rent, i'll no longer have free access to a pool. sometimes growing up sucks.
i sold my psp on ebay. for way less than i spent on it - it was a pretty frivolous purchase. so now i have to ship it to the land of oz. i hate international shipping; it's such a pain in the butt. forms and customs and 32$ for a three pound box, are you kidding me? the post office is a rip off. but i've complained about this before.
we have roofers on top of the apartment building today. it's making the puddies crazy. they're barking and whining up a storm. they're already in their "houses" for destroying yet another newspaper. rotten, rotten puddies. but it's supposed to rain all week so i hope these roofers move quickly. i'm going to be pissed if i end up with a leaky ceiling.
i love summertime thunderstorms. they started in last night about 1130, i was awake and couldn't get back to sleep. the lightning was great - it was so bright it felt like i'd left the light on, which could explain why i couldn't sleep. i have to have dead silence, with the exception of the fan and the fishtank, so really it's the furthest thing from silent. but for the most part it covers up the bee's snoring, which is getting awful again. sometimes i'd like to put a pillow over his face but then i think we'd have a bigger problem than just snoring. but since the pillow thing seems a little harsh, i like to wake him up and inform him that he's been snoring and that it's keeping me awake. because if i'm going to be awake i think he should be awake too - for crying out loud, it's his freaking fault. he tends to disagree with this theory, though, and it's been the source of many a late night tiff. not that he remembers any of it in the morning. which is probably why i continue to do it.
it's new phone month! woohoo! finally, i can get rid of this piece of shit motorola slvr that i've dealt with for the last year and a half. that was not a well-researched purchase, holy crap, that phone sucks. it butt dials (even when i think i have the keypad locked), it freezes up, the menu button fell off several months ago and now the keypad is completely falling off. however, i have nearly 100 ringtones on this phone that won't transfer to the new phone, so that's sad. but life will go on. it's time to retire the slvr for something shiny and new. :)
i've decided i hate voicemail. getting voicemail, leaving voicemail, checking voicemail. it's entirely too time consuming and nothing good ever comes out of it. so i'm done with it. i'm not going to check it anymore. voicemail is dead to me.
here is small list of things that are currently dead to me, for one reason or another.
- the us postal service (they suck)
- iceberg lettuce (gross)
- my dishwasher (it's still leaking)
- voicemail (i've already covered this)
- green jello (for real, who eats this?)
- white socks (boring!)
- plato's closet (bastards)
- gas prices (ugh)
- my idiot paper carrier (always late or maybe my neighbor steals the paper)
- people who congregate in the bathroom at work (gross)
- most people at work (dumb)
- work (sucks ass)
- puddie poop (ewww...)
- the puddie poop bag dispenser along the walking trail (always empty, boo)
- roofers (it sounds like they're tearing the house down)
speaking of roofers, i have a skylight. and they're walking over it - they have been all morning. so i have to make a mental note to self: no nakey in the kitchen. not that i allow nakey in the kitchen anyway - i tend to think that nakey and food don't mix well, except for maybe a few select situations (hehehe...)
okay. i gots to shower, it's my one contribution to overall team happiness at work.
16 July 2008
just a bunch of random stuff...
i had someone say to me not that long ago that she wished she had a blog so she could bitch all the time. and that made me feel bad: do i subject my readers to a bunch of nonsensical bitching and moaning? that was never the point, i swear. some days it just goes that way. some days are good for bitching. some days are better than others.
today is a good day. work was good, or as good as it will ever be. i had a four hour training class that ended with a quiz that i aced; that's always a nice feeling. and i wasn't even the biggest jerk-off in class and i didn't even have to keep my sarcasm in check. rock. i don't mind my job, really - sometimes i just mind going to work. my mom's always concerned that i'm going to lose my job. but i try to console her by letting her in the grand scheme things, work related at least, i'm a freaking angel. i mean, so far i haven't shown up drunk, my pants don't have holes, i'm not at the bottom of (all) the reports and i attend work on a moderately regular basis (at least 72 percent of the time).
really, what more could they ask of me? i rule.
i do need to let you know that the bee and buddha are back. they arrived late last night. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't happy to see them; i was. but there won't be a next time for this. i'm tired of watching the bee pack his things and leave - so i advised him to think carefully about what he wanted before he came a-knocking on my door yesterday, because the next time that he says, "do you want me to leave?" i'm going to say yes and assist him in packing his things.
no sweatshirt left behind. (that was the act quickly signed into law by congress right after the whole "no child left behind" act. the sweatshirts just didn't get as much coverage. fine. don't believe me. i don't care. it's my world, y'all are just walking around in it.)
anyway. i love the bee, but it's just as easy for me to be miserable and alone (and able to do the things that i want to do) - if not easier - as it is to be miserable and with him. and i told him this as well. his presence is *not* necessary to my survival, no matter how much my heart is breaking or how much i think i need him. because i don't need him to get through my life - but i do want him here. i do want him in my life. for all the little reasons and for the biggest one that i can think of - because i love him - i do want him in my life.
and for now, things are okay. things are good. they're not perfect, but nothing is, and it's a work in progress. which i want to work. and the bee says he wants to work. so we'll work on it and see where it goes. but oh my goodness, was the pootie excited to see his buddy! that was the cutest thing. dogs are so forgiving - it's so sweet. they don't hold grudges, they're just excited to see you. these goofy dogs just make me day. they always make me feel better. i love my puddies. and i'm happy my buddha boy is back.
however, tomorrow the buddha baby goes in for the big boy surgery. yup, he's getting clipped. it was recommended that we wait until both dogs are of age so we can have the surgeries done at the same time, but once the buddha baby decided to "mark" the bed, i decided it was time to just the ball rolling.
no pun intended.
we went swimming tonight at the apartment complex pool. in his former life, the bee was a lifeguard which is probably a good thing because i tend to sink like a brick. or an anchor. or an anchor tied to a brick. i used to be able to swim, i don't know what happened to that skill. i guess like anything, the less you use it, the more you forget it. except for the proverbial bike, right? although, that could just be a lie too - i haven't ridden a bike in years. that could be just as big a disaster as the first time i rode a bike - and for the record, who takes their kid's training wheels off in a muddy driveway with big puddles?
i have never forgiven my father for that fateful ride.
one of my two best good friends in the whole wide world has taken up the wonderful sport of blogging. she recommends that you "pee in your own bed." i don't know if it's just because we were raised differently, perhaps it's the difference in growing up on one side of the mississippi river as opposed to the other. shit, i don't know, maybe she's mixing something in the kool-aid down there. but i'm of the school of thought that if you're going to pee the bed, like, if this is a pre-determined thing you have going on - i say go in somebody else's bed.
and that is my sage advice for the day. you can't say that i've gotten to be 28 years old and not learned anything.
but read her blog and comment and encourage her to write more. because she's awesome. and because i said so and you need no other reason.
i broke the washing machine today. i was washing (get this) a pair of jeans and two shirts and some underwear (and when i say some i mean some, really - not like some like 150 pair) and the damn thing started making this awful KA-THUG KA-THUG KA-THUG noise like i was actually stonewashing my jeans with like live boulders or something. it was freaking crazy. (i know the girl downstairs just hates us but ask me if i really care. she's the stupid C U Next Tuesday that turned us in on the dog poop but that's a whole different story). anyway, the washer's KA-THUG-A-THUG-A-THUGging and the dogs are going crazy and the bee's screaming because there's no hot water (i do enjoy starting the washing machine while he's in the shower) and i couldn't get it to stop - the lid was all locked and it was just mass hysteria craziness for like 14 minutes and all i could do was sit there and eat my tuna casserole and wonder what the hell i'd done to deserve this kind of punishment.
for the love.
so finally the washer stops, the KA-THUG-A-THUG-A-THUGging subsides and i can open the lid to see what the hell i forgot to take out of my pockets that would cause such a fucking ruckus. and i look in and the tub's all tipped sideways and i can't even see any of the clothes but i can hear water and that's never a good thing. so i have to call maintenance, right? and they're going to come out and look at it but all i can think is that i want to get my grundies out before the maintenance guy gets there because that's my business and not even his business and the last thing i want is for the maintenance guy to see my lesbian (seagull) rainbow grundies and assume the worst, not that it even matters, because 1) the maintenance guy weighs 800 pounds and 2) the bee came back, duh, so whatever.
but because the fix-it-guy weighs 800 pounds his forearms are shaped like easter hams and there was no way he was cramming those things in there to get my grundies out and because i apparently broke all the struts on the washing machine (which he didn't even think was possible, he asked if i was washing rocks), my grundies have to wait until tomorrow when the whole fix-it-guy crew comes to replace the whole damn thing.
bitches and hos. that means that all the maintenance people are going to know about my lesbian (seagull) rainbow grundies. arrrghh.... i just thought they were cute, i swear to god.
and after all that - i won't even tell you about the saga with the refrigerator, the dishwasher or the screen door that i had to take off the damn hinges after i tried to walk through it. lol... nope, that's enough household appliance terror for one evening.
and i think that's all i have for today kiddos. i'm feeling a little spastic, i don't know if i'll sleep well. i'd take a pill but i have to be up in a few hours - the day starts early with doggies.
peas out. love, superjanel
12 July 2008
it's apparently just not true.
the bee moved out on thursday afternoon. again. i can't really pinpoint the exact reason except to say that it's sort of been building for awhile now. we've been falling into old routines and ruts and neither of us are happy with the path that we're on. i'm not sure how to change it or if it can be changed. and this makes me so sad, for so many reasons.
i'm sad because i love the bee very much. and i know that he loves me - i have no doubts about that. but apparently that's not enough.
i don't have a lot to say about this right now. i'm sort of meandering in shock mode. i hurt. my heart hurts.
06 July 2008
i don't know. i can't think about it or i'll start to cry again.
the dogs are doing well, if you consider biting, snarling, chewing, peanut-butter-jar-stealing, water-bowl-tipping, eating-25-pounds-of-food-in-two-weeks, pulling-so-hard-on-the-leash-i-think-my-arms-are-going-to-come-out-of-the-sockets as doing well. if that's the case then they're doing freaking awesome, the jerks. they certainly keep each other entertained and i'm sure they keep our downstairs neighbor enetertained at all hours of the night. but they do keep me on my toes and they give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes in the wee hours of the morning and i love them to pieces. i wouldn't trade them for anything, unless there were two equally adorable but well trained boxer puddies sitting in front of me and then i'd think about it real hard...
the bee is gone this weekend. it started out that we were both going to work this weekend and then he opted not to work this weekend and i couldn't get out of working so he decided to go party all weekend. do i sound pissy? yeah, i am. does it do me any good? nope. not at all. i'm completely aware of this and i'm still not going to do anything about it. i'm good at being pissy, so shut the hell up. this is my story, remember? anyway. there was a point to this and now i'm pissy about defending my pissiness to you and i can't remember what i was even freaking talking about.
oh yeah. so the bee is gone this weekend and so it's just me and the puddies. which means that the bee is on doggie duty for days when he returns. i always say that and then i get pissy when he doesn't take the doggies outside on the schedule that i have predetermined in my head, like he can access that and then i just do it my damn self, muttering under my breath something about "if i want it done right i'm just going to do it" and using the words "useless" and "lazy" a lot. i am such a bitch. it's no freaking wonder we argue as much as we do - god, i suck.
all that said, sometimes i wonder if i just create arguements for the sake of arguing, you know? the last few days, i know i've had some valid points - there truly have been some valid arguments, thank you very much - but some of them are just petty stupid shit that doesn't really matter. and it's like i can't make it stop - remember "mean girls?" (i know, right?) it's word vomit. it just keeps coming out and i can't stop it. and i know when i'm saying it that, it's either 1) pointless and it's just going to cause an argument or 2) just plain mean. and i don't know why i do it - i've done ever since i was a little kid - it just comes out and i can't stop it and then as soon as it leaves my mouth i want to cry because i know what it's going to do and there's no way i can change it. because we all say that they're just words and they don't mean anything but we all know that is such a lie.
especially me. because i can't remember what i had for breakfast this morning but you put me in an argument and suddenly i have a photographic freaking memory and every look on your face and every word that comes out of your mouth is emblazoned on my brain until the end of time - and that's no good for me (because i also suffer from instant replay head) but it's also no good for you because i'll bring that shit up over and over until you want to stuff a sock in my mouth and drop me off a bridge. for real.
i fight dirty. and i have no idea how to make that stop. i've heard that as i get older my desire to fight/argue/create drama is supposed to drop off - yeah, i haven't gotten there yet. but i have to tell you, i have never met anyone that pushes my buttons quite like the bee. i have no idea why. but i'm open to suggestions and ideas and (constructive) criticisms from those of you that might be able to help me. and if the answer is duct tape, garbage bags and a shovel when i get really pissed off, i'm open to that too.
that's for him. not me. der. unless you think that wrapping my head in duct tape and getting in a trash bag while holding a shovel would be good for the situation. and then i'm going to tell you that you're probably related to the bee and to get the hell off my blog, damn it.