31 July 2006
the dog grew exponentially in my absence. he's almost like an entirely different puppy. and eddy was not joking about the hole in the carpet, that's going to be an interesting problem to resolve. it's not just like you can cover it up or patch it, i think we're in for all new carpet and that's really exciting. i swear to god hercules gained ten pounds and seven inches since i left - he's ginormous. and he's terrorizing the kitty, but the neat-o part of this is that kitty is now fighting back... oh, the entertainment. if i ever had children and let them entertain me in this fashion, people would call human services. that's why i don't have children. i have pets. :D
so, i've never been one for an even number - i prefer odd numbers everywhere in life: asparagus spears, scoops of ice cream, ice cubes - and tattoos are no different. and i just got number five, and it's beautiful. i adore it. the guy that did it, craig helmich at maui tattoo co., was a rockstar - absolutely fabulous. i just hope he got his plumbing problem taken care of, that was a time consuming story. however, i've fallen in love with number six, which means i have to have a number seven. and i've got this shit all figured out. number six is a large, tribal design to be placed at the base of my spine just below number five. and number seven will be a small, ghanian fern leaf to be placed at the base of my neck. then, and only then, i think i may be satisfied. but i could also be happy with one on my big toe and one on the top of my foot. so i guess that's eight and nine, eh? hell. i'm currently out of designs. but that works, becuase i'm also currently out of money and this is not a cheap hobby.
but beyond all that, i have learned something this weekend. i am much, much more intuitive than i give myself credit for. some things, feelings, i tend to overlook, pass off as indigestion or gastrointestinal problems. but i knew - i knew in my gut - something wasn't right with that whole thing. things just weren't adding up and it sounded too far-fetched. and i was fucking right. fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice - i won't give you won't get the opportunity. i love this person to death, and i've been good to him. i've defended him time and time again and i adore his friendship but i won't be lied to and i hope he knows that now. as a friend, as a human being, i deserve better than that. now, having said this, i'm not going to run out and reveal secrets. we all have our reasons, some are better than others, but if i look deep enough i can understand why. i've been there and it's a horrible place to be. fuck, i was there just four hours ago. i just like to solve my issues with tears and a good nap, followed up by a healthy dose of prozac. but let this serve as warning, this will be the last time i will be treated this way.
so as long as we're on topics that are moderately depressing and that we're not truly identifying, today is my seven year anniversary of d-day. well, it's more like m-day, and then a few months later it was d-day. seven years. that's unfuckingbelieveable. i really have to think, i really have to try to remember the events leading up to that day because i've tried really hard to block the whole thing out. (apparently, i've done a good job. if it weren't for the occasional photo, i don't think i'd remember too much.) but what a long journey it's been since then. and how strange. i certainly didn't see myself here as all that was happening, but i guess that's sort of the point. one never knows where his path will lead. only recently, like within the past few months, have we been able to speak, and when we do it's very strange. it's like neither of us know how to acknowledge that bizaare series of events so we don't really talk about it but we don't really have anything else to talk about so we talk about nothing and then we don't talk at all. it's sad to think that two people who at one time cared so much have so little to say - that there's nothing relevant anymore, but i guess that's why we're no longer together.
30 July 2006
i adore this tattoo! this is so me! it's a west african symbol of life transformation. the dude that did it was cool, although i think he was more absorbed in his plumbing problems than my major life changes. ahh well. not everyone is good at evaluating the sensitivity of others. dad went with me, that was funny. he wants tattoos so bad, but he's got a small fear of needles and blood, so i was supposed to show him how painless the entire experience was. however, this was the only time i've ever gotten even a little sick while getting a tattoo, and i nearly passed out. i didn't realize how little skin there is on your spine. this sucker was painful but very, very worth it. go me!
28 July 2006
27 July 2006
tourists amaze me. i'm no local, don't get me wrong, but tourists are a kick, man. some of the locals are also hilarious in that same, i-can't-believe-you'd-leave-the-house-wearing-that sort of way. but the thing i love about this place is that anything goes. unless you're at sarento's, and then it doesn't go far, but most everywhere else, anything goes and that's incredible. if i want to wear pink and green and red everyday for the rest of my life, no one here would say a word. (just an example, not going to happen.) and that's awesome.
the thing that upsets me about being here, and it truly does make my heart break, is that this is the place where i fell in love with eddy. and i can't say that i love him anymore. being here is just full of memories, things i want to talk about and share but that aren't relevant to the way i feel about us. does that make sense? i miss the way we used to be, but i'm not willing to live the way we live. he doesn't know me anymore, he doesn't try to understand me. and i don't know where the eddy i used to love went. becuase he's not around anymore. i've worked over 120 hours in the last two weeks. most of it is to avoid being home and feeling so fucking guilty at having to act the way i think i should be acting. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. i don't want to do this anymore. eddy, i love you, but i'm not in love with you. i'm sorry i'm not the person you think i should be or the person you want me to be. i can't change who i am and you shouldn't want me to. we're not being fair to either of us and i don't want to pretend anymore. game off. i want out.
26 July 2006
25 July 2006
i'm not even 24 hours into this junket, and already, what a fucking trip. trip doesn't even begin to describe. i feel as though i'm on massive drugs. massive. this is just surreal. add to this the fact that i have oompa loompa orange appendages and it's just unfuckingbelievable. first off, i so overslept this morning, by like, two hours. that just threw my whole day into a whirl. i didn't even have time to wash my hair and that bothers me to a degree i can't even begin to describe. however, i am awake enough to notice that my hands and feet are an inhumane shade of orange, not even found on the html color chart. it's fabulous, because fabulous is the word of the week. it's the middle of the week, and technically, too late for a word of the week, but i'm making a special exception this time around, becuase i think i've heard it about 47 bajillion times already today. fabulous. use it three times and it's yours.
so, i'm here to make a life changing decision. when does one decide to salvage a potentially miserable relationship? when's the breaking point? i'm not sure. he can be a (ha) fabulous person, we have incredible moments. the problem lies in the fact that they come once about every seven months for four minutes. i don't know if i can live, waiting for these little moments. becuase the rest of the time, and i'm being completely honest here, mom, i'm walking around on eggshells. i'm a fuckup, and you'd think by now, he'd know that. i'm not going to change my habits, just like he isn't going to change his. we're the same people were were six years ago, and we're having the same arguments. the only thing now is that they're lasting longer and getting more expensive. and i don't have the patience or tenacity to sit down with him and work through them. frankly (my dear), most days, i don't have the patience or tenacity for us, and that makes me sad. we used to be good. now, we're just two people, living separately in the same house. it would probably be good for me to be alone for awhile, a long while, but i'm not capable of that. i'm a serial monogamist. one relationship to the next. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i just need to stop getting married if that's what i want.
so here i am in the amazing state of hawaii. i adore this rock more than i adore most people. the different thing about this trip (and oh, what a trip), is that there is a small hurricane blowing this direction. his name is daniel, and on the radar, he's kind of cute. but he's still a hurricane, and i don't find that sort of thing attractive in real life. radar is one thing. real life is another. blecch.
21 July 2006
i'm getting another tattoo next week. i'm going to hawaii next week, did you know? hehehehehe......
20 July 2006
19 July 2006
18 July 2006
i am a train wreck. if you encounter me, stay away. i pity the fool that gets in my path. i will roundhouse kick you in the vagina.
16 July 2006
nine more straight days of work and then i get a day off. then i get six days off. then i get six days off in hawaii. then i get six days off in hawaii to lay on the beach. i think you can see where this is going.
15 July 2006
however, if you are a sticky-fingered wal-mart bandit, the best way to avoid the entire "is it worth more than 25$" debacle is just to not get caught. :D
13 July 2006
10 July 2006
- family. it's impossible to work with family. its safer just not to play that game. too much information, too much time together, an unhappy family makes.
- too many chiefs, not enough indians. lots of decision makers, not so many decisions. it gets old.
- i can't stand doing nothing. being there and doing nothing gives me a headache. every time i leave there after a long day of ineffectiveness, i have to take a migraine pill and cry myself to sleep, my fucking head hurts so bad. is it the glare from the windows? the melancholy mood of the business? take your pick.
- i'm not interested in having multiple jobs anymore. i can barely handle the one i have some days. i'm not able to juggle two jobs when one is taking up 50+ hours a week. i'm not wired that way. sorry to disappoint.
- i've never been properly trained and i'm not comfortable with the work in some situations.
and for these reasons, please accept my resignation - my second resignation. i've already quit this job once. please let me go.
oh, this was nice. i thought this was really neat... "gotta pass on your next maui adventure... picking up lots of hours... as far as next week in dallas, i really don't have much free time. only there two nights and i have plans for dinner with my captain, which were made a long time ago... and one of my coworkers is gonna be there for core , who was my coworker at comair... would love to see you, but don't know if it's worth it for a short trip..."
i was just un-invited from my own fucking vacation. whore.
08 July 2006
05 July 2006
04 July 2006
this month i'm going to dfw to see sue at her gsc class. then at the end of the month, i'm going to try to go see dad. :) and get a tan in the process. :D
03 July 2006
01 July 2006
the special olympics are in the area. i hear there are retards roaming the airport. and they're not only mildly to serverely retarded, but they're buff and kickass strong. which means they could put someone in a headlock if luggage were to get lost. when this scenario plays out in my mind, they for some reason sound like timmy from south park. and that just cracks me up. but in honor of the special olympics, the word of the week is fucktard. its a nice combination of fuckface and retard. i love it. you do know what the only thing better than winning in the special olympics is, don't you?
not being retarded. fucktard. hehehehehehehe....
- donate a large amount of money to charity. anonymously.
- eat chinese food. in china. and like it.
- learn to hand jive. seriously.
- master walking in crazy high heels for no other reason than i want to.
- be someone's godparent.
- get my masters' degree.
- pay off my student loans. (yeah, that's not happening, but it sounds good.)
- map my family tree. the real one, not the imaginary one.
- drop all the grudges and guilt i carry. it's not healthy and kind of heavy.
- stop drinking soda and start drinking juice. forever.
- become a vegan.
- move to an island. far, far away. (where they don't know what student loans are...)
- learn to differentiate love from security and need from want.
**the list is subject to change and is not comprehensive. but sometimes i think if i don't write these things down they'll never happen.