31 March 2009

toilet humor, among other things

so there's this quiz on parents.com: "what kind of dad will he be?" and one of the questions is, "when the two of you throw a party, you can count on him to... A) keep everyone laughing, B) make his famous five alarm chili or C) hire the best caterer in town." i had to stop taking the quiz after this question as i was thoroughly stumped. there was no option D) get completely shitfaced and have to be carried to bed.

and yes, this is how i spend my time at work.

i have a lot on my mind this morning. some of it's important, some of it's just dumb. most of it's just dumb.

for instance - here's some dumb for you. it so happens that i spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work. there are several reasons for this, the first and most important being that i have to pee about 3 times an hour. the second reason, which is also important but not as much as the former, is that the bathroom is oft used as a reprieve from stupid customers or stupid coworkers. sometimes i just go there to nap. (only once, i swear. i felt pretty dumb coming out and my butt hurt really bad.)

anyway. with all the time i spend going back and forth, to and fro, i have a lot of time to think. and this morning i was thinking about underpants.

due to my current "condition" my underpant-buying habits have slowed to a complete halt. the last pair of underpants i bought weren't actually bought at all. and no, i didn't pocket them. it was one of those free panty giveaways at victoria's secret. do you guys get those cards in the mail too? i used to get them all the time and for some reason, i've not received any lately. so i got to thinking about this. does vs discriminate against the preggo? are they teamed up with the diaper giveaway people so that you only get offers for one free thing at a time - "oh, you're getting free diapers in the mail, you don't have a need for free thongs?" maybe they're offended that their last offer for free underpants was redeemed for BAPs - big ass panties - and they've removed me from any future mailings because i obviously don't fit the criteria for their target audience.

but let's face it, at this size and shape, i'm not fitting into much these days. you have no idea how i long to wear regular jeans again. i can't wait for real jeans that button and zip.


ready for more dumb? i've got dumb for you. this train of thought also starts in the bathroom (shock!) - i encountered a new breed of weird this morning. i watched this chick wash her hands prior to entering the stall and then re-wash her hands upon exiting. now, part of me says, kudos to her for fully embracing her ocd at work. but on the other hand (lol, no pun intended) that's a lot of soap and water and paper towels she's using there - that certainly doesn't jive with giant conglomerate bank's effort to be the biggest, greenest bank in the world. imagine if we all washed before and after we did our business - that's a lot of wasted resources. so what's the answer here - really clean hands and a lot of dead trees or only moderately clean hands and a company's reputation saved?

and don't think that i'm mocking the severity of anyone's ocd. for crying out loud, i'm the girl that will drive by her own house seven times to make sure the garage door is shut and hasn't magically reopened.

yeah. that's me. and that was just last week.

i just realized that i made myself sound like a total bathroom lurker. i'm really not. i'm just really good at wasting time - mine and yours too, obviously. :)

enough dumb. how about some important stuff?

so brodie's crib mobile arrived yesterday and it is the cutest. thing. ever. for real. it makes the pootie crazy (which makes me wonder about the struggles we'll have over baby toys and pootie toys) but i love it. i got it all attached to his crib and just sat there yesterday afternoon and watched it for an absurd amount of time. but that got me thinking about the fact that we're only about six weeks away from baby day and i have a lot to do. and even more to buy!

it's been decided that i'm not having a baby shower. several factors played into this - it's not all about me and the bee.

1) the family and friends that i would invite, for the most part anyway, live far away. on top of that, i've been hitting these people up for money and gifts on a regular basis for the last 10 years. "look at me, i'm graduating high school! send me money, i'm getting married! send me more money, i'm getting married again! hey, check me out, i've harlan-ed my way through college but i'm finally graduating - send me some shit!" it just seems rude to ask for baby gifts after all the invitations that have gone out in the mail over the years.

2) there is some animosity between families of the bee and i. basically, my family can't stand him and his thinks that i'm a total raging lunatic. and why on earth would they buy gifts for the child of a total raging lunatic?

3) and this one wasn't as much of a factor as the first two, but many people i know are struggling financially right now. it seems really selfish of me to assume they have the means (never mind the desire) to purchase things for me and baby brodie.

so yeah. we registered and did all that, but it seems it was for naught. no shower, no hassle. and i really do like it that way. but it does leave more of a burden on me and the bee to find a way to provide all these things that we apparently need when we have trouble paying the rent most months. so we're relying on a lot of hand-me-downs and craigslist and ebay. and things are coming together, slowly but surely. there are a few big things we have to get - a carseat is one of them. there are a few big things that i'd like to get - a dresser, a swing, a pack-n-play - but they're not necessities. and then there's things that are obviously not necessary for survival but just sound like fun - like pee-pee teepees. don't those just sound like fun?

oh yeah.

so me and the bee. on again, off again. up and down. two steps forward, thirteen steps sideways and four steps back all while doing the hand jive. we agree, we disagree, we agree to disagree. who knows? i've decided to take a lackadaisical approach to the whole thing - it is what it is, maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get worse. maybe we'll get it together, maybe we'll learn to be apart. all i know is that for right now, i can't deal with the drama anymore. so i'm not going to. and that's all i have to say about that. for right now, anyway.

superjanel out.

19 March 2009

impossible is my middle name

you guys know how i am. when things get weird or uncomfortable for me, i get kind of quiet. this time is no different. i could tell you it's been calm around here. i could tell you that not much has happened or changed in the last few days. but that would be a lie. truth be told, it's hard to talk when you've got a mouthful of humble pie, as i do right now.

the bee came back last week, bearing roses and mexican food for dinner. not one to turn down a free meal, i let him in and let him talk. he's been in and out since then, he's stayed over a couple times, he put together brodie's crib and changing table, he went to baby school with me over the weekend. he says he spoke out of anger and frustration, he wants to be here for me and for brodie, he loves me. in spite of the incident a few weeks ago, we've been able to talk about a few things and we're each making steps to think before we speak and to try to look at things from the other's perspective.

it's what i wanted; i ought to be thrilled.

except i'm not. and i'm not sure why. i keep waiting to hear the thud of the other shoe when it finally hits the floor. i think i've been conditioned to be suspicious of the good times. and so to hurry along what i believe is the inevitable i'm undermining all of the positive things that appear to be happening around me. i'm overthinking everything - i'm too busy reading between the lines to see the writing on the wall, so to speak. there's always a catch, right? am i so wrong to think that there's an underlying cause to this behavior or should i take it at face value and appreciate what i've got, what i'm getting, while i'm getting it?

i'm just confused. i'm confused about the expectations we have for one another; i'm not sure if this is all temporary until the baby gets here or until something better comes along. i thought i knew what i wanted and then when i get it i complain that it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel the same, it doesn't feel good - or maybe it doesn't feel good enough. the thing is, i'm the one that's responsible for building up these unattainable goals, these unrealistic expectations. where do i get them? everywhere i look, every couple i know has some sort of issue - big and small, no relationship is immune to problems. so where do i get the idea that things will be different for me? once again i find myself wondering when good enough is just that.

09 March 2009

welcoming the wrecking ball

i think the hardest choices in life are the ones in which we have no say. obviously, there's the banal side to this statement for things such as weather or death - things we couldn't control if we tried. i'm more referring to the ones that other people or circumstances decide for us: those are harder for me to grasp because my mind plays the "what if?" game until i'm physically ill. not that knowing what could have happened if makes me feel any better - i generally feel worse. the fact remains that there's nothing i can do to change the outcome.

i know you all know what i'm talking about. but i'm referring to the bee and i. just a few days ago, our attitude was that we were going to try to work things out, over a period of time and in baby steps. it wasn't a spoken decision, it was an underlying theme to all our conversations. for the good of the baby, for the connection we had, for what we felt for each other - there was enough foundation there to perhaps rebuild the shanty that once stood with a nice, pre-fab modern structure. this morning the construction crew went on strike and all plans have been scrapped.

it's over.

this morning he says that he told me those things because he wanted to be nice. he doesn't love me anymore - he's reached his breaking point and is moving on. he will continue to care for me, in terms of my general health, but he'll wait to hear about the baby when he gets the letter in the mail from the department of human services. he has no connection to anything or anyone here any longer.

if i weren't already feeling so bad this morning, i probably would have cried to the point of vomiting. the thing is, somewhere deep down, i knew this was coming. i knew that any reconciliation would be like putting a band-aid on open heart surgery - a temporary solution to an enormous issue.

i had hoped, in typical needy-female fashion, that in spite of all our difference and difficulties that he and i would be able to pull it together for the sake of the child and that eventually all our problems and faults would fall to the wayside and a new kind of relationship would develop. don't misunderstand - that's happening here. it's just happening as we sit 70 miles apart and the problems don't matter much as the relationship that is developing is the one between two people who apparently can't be with or deal with one another.

it's not exactly what i had in mind. but how naive am i to believe that a baby could be the glue to hold us together? i'm going on 30 years old - it's a pretty pathetic storyline for someone who claims to be as smart as i like to think i am.

the thing that chaps my ass about all this? he's reached his breaking point, he's ready to move on. the natual question that comes to mind for me - where in the hell is my breaking point? why am i not ready to move on? why do i let him hurt me so much, why do i need him in my life, why do i cry over him when i know he's certainly not crying over me? where has my sense of self-worth gone? beyond being the partial creator of this child, what makes him so freaking special that he's worth my time?

i'm angry. i'm so, so angry. i'm angry with him for so many reasons but mostly i'm angry with myself for letting it get this far. i'm angry that i feel this hurt; i'm angry that i've let myself come to depend on someone whose only dependable trait is that they're chronically undependable.

some humor in all that diatribe though? if the dumbass doesn't submit a change of address to the post office he'll never know that he has a son; all his mail will come here and gather dust in the grocery sack in the closet. it's not my job to deliver his mail. although i would consider swapping it for a couple of sham-wows, the slimy bastard.


so here i am, monday morning (again!?) and i'm supposed to be getting ready to go to the doctor for my 30-week check-up and then going to work. i'm not sure how much work i'll accomplish today: it seems that in the last week while hacking and coughing and carrying on like a lifelong smoker with terminal emphysema i've managed to literally twist my rib cage a little off center which is causing a tremendous amount of pain. i can't stand, i can't sit, i can't lie down - when i cough i want to fall over. and sneezing? i will attempt to blow out an ear drum or an eyeball before i'll let a sneeze escape these lips, otherwise i'll be wishing i were wearing rubber pants and sitting in the bathtub. it's just not pretty. ahh, the glorious side of being pregnant - the side no one tells you about. like wetting yourself on a regular basis or that your skin will thin out to the point where you can see each and every vein in your chest, no one tells you that all your joints become loose and lethargic to the point where it's actually possible to give yourself an injury like twisting your rib cage. see, if people knew this kind of stuff going in there would probably be far fewer babies. pregnancy is not for the weak.

on a happier note, and there is no sarcasm here - i'm truly happy about this - mom and i ordered brodie's crib and changing table this week and on saturday night i ordered his crib bedding and curtains and such. i'm excited to get things put together and in order, to help with planning a shower and washing little socks. his room will be adorable, although if what i hear is true, he won't actually spend a lot of time in his room for quite a while. that's okay; it'll look nice.

so yeah. i'm going to go get in the shower and carry on with life as best i can. it's not what i'd hoped for and not what i'd planned but how often do we really get what we want anyway? somebody bigger and smarter than me obviously knows what is going on here, i'm just waiting to hear the details.

superjanel OUT.

04 March 2009

are we grading on a curve?

it smells like sausage at work today. there's no innuendo there, it just smells like a meat market. it's a little distracting - i'm trying to eat my animal crackers and drink my gatorade and my senses are overwhelmed with the scent of processed animal products. it's not doing a lot for my appetite.

how are you today? i'm okay. i slept really hard last night and that wasn't even due to the aid of cold, cough or allergy medicine. i think i was just tired. and with good reason. i'm back to my full-time schedule at work and while my job is far from physically taxing it wreaks havoc on me mentally. it gets hard listening to people's problems all day; things are just hard for everyone right now, across the board. i feel like i'm doing therapy again - the toll it takes on me is pretty similar. when i get home at night i just want to zone out, eat dinner, play with the dog and go to bed. and i have to say, that's the ideal life for a single someone in my condition. there are no discussions over what to have for dinner (cereal), there are no discussions about what to watch on tv (american idol) and there are no arguments over my lack of ambition to get out of the house and do something. because right now i pretty much don't want to do anything. there are advantages to being alone right now, i have to admit it.

but that doesn't mean that the bee and i aren't speaking. i left him alone for the better part of a week: no calls, no messages, no nothing. i found that when i was having the urge to talk to him i could just call someone else or distract myself with something else and i was actually better off for doing so: i wasn't worked up, i wasn't in tears, i wasn't stressed out. but the phone calls commenced about a week ago - about a week after our "episode." and the conversations that have taken place since leave me just as confused as i've ever been.

to paraphrase (heavily), we're not 100 percent happy together but we're both pretty miserable when we're apart. and it's not just me that agrees to this statement, it's a mutual feeling. but as far as what to do to fix it or if it can even be fixed, neither of us know what to do or how to feel. he feels that he makes and has made serious concessions toward my happiness and i feel i've done the same thing for him - we both feel slighted and diminished and under appreciated. but i wonder, and not really in advocation of being together but sort of as the devil's advocate - does anyone ever make anyone else 100 percent happy? will there ever be anyone who pleases me 100 percent of the time? is it like a school grading scale - "A" through "F"? anything above a 70 percent is passing? are we grading on a curve? (i am so screwed if this the case.) or is it just pass/fail, like 11th grade spanish?

(which by the way, i have never forgiven senora bellon for failing me for one little percentage point, when i *KNOW* she gave extra credit to other non-deserving students, not that this matters now...)

i don't know. i just don't know. i don't know what's best for me or for him, but i do know it's best for brodie if things stay calm. separate, together - we've got to relax. the bee says he wants to be at the birth, he wants to be in brodie's life (and not just on an every other weekend type of basis). but where does that leave us? because i'm not okay with the idea of platonically living under one roof and i don't believe that he is either. brodie is our number one concern right now; maybe if i just stop worrying about the bee and keep my priorities in line things will just work out? maybe if i just let it all go the right answer will appear?

sha, right. and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt; you people know i can't just let things go, it's not my nature.

but that's where i am right now. emotionally, not literally. literally, i'm at work, taking up space and causing drama just by breathing. i love giant heartless conglomerate bank.


02 March 2009

k-mart sucks, ray.

monday morning. again. wasn't it just monday morning a couple days ago? didn't we just have this day? this monday morning i'm back to work as a full-time employee at giant heartless conglomerate bank. i would be flat out lying to tell you that i'm looking forward to this change but i'm not dreading it as much as i have in the past. truth be told, i hate getting ready for work, i hate the idea of going to work. but once i'm there i pretty much zone out and do my thing and it's not so bad. well, it doesn't make me want to punch (most) people or run over things with my car, so i guess that's not so bad, right?

i went tv shopping with my momma yesterday; her tv went kaput in a major fashion. and because nothing is simple and because wal-mart sucks, she ended up spending more than she wanted to on her second choice of televisions. i really think wal-mart is all about the bait-and-switch scheme, for real - they have a wall full of nice flatscreen televisions at decent prices and when you ask for assistance, they're all, "nope we don't have that one, haven't had it forever, you're never gonna find it." well, didn't we just find it here, on your wall? but that doesn't matter because they're more than happy to show you this wonderful, slightly comparable television at a ridiculously higher price. but it does look nice in her living room.


you know, i've got all these things on my mind, things i want to talk about but i just don't feel comfortable putting out here. which is weird, because this is usually the only place where i can really let it all out. i don't know if i'm just not ready or if i just don't want to hear the reaction to my thoughts; i'm just confused on a lot of things. i guess i'm feeling a little pent up but i'm the one censoring my speech so i don't even have anyone to yell at about that. i don't know. i don't know what i want to say and it's making me crazy.

i'm going to go eat breakfast and take the dog outside, then get ready for work. maybe i'll be more talkative later.

01 March 2009

and now you know the rest of the story...

i had the most amazing experience with my son this morning. we were playing together, as much as you can play with your child when he's in utero. he would kick and i would cover that spot on my belly and he would kick me again. this went on for about 15 minutes - kicking and covering and kicking and poking - it was incredible. it dawned on me that this isn't just a baby, this is a person. this is a person with his own little personality, likes and dislikes, he'll have his own agenda and his own goals. and to think about that is just awesome and terrifying all at once, especially when you consider his parents...

i couldn't sleep last night. i wasn't upset about anything, i just couldn't breathe and as such i couldn't sleep. when i'm sick i get all dramatic and melancholy, i act like my father. lucky for everyone i know there was no one here to witness this except for the dog and he's not really the most sympathetic creature i've ever encountered. but not sleeping provided for plenty of time for watching mindless television (infomercials and the weather channel) and reading idiotic books.

i assume you've heard about the snuggie, the blanket with sleeves? a friend of mine likened this to wearing your robe backwards which is pretty much the truth. i don't have enough fingers to count how many times i've seen this commercial in the last 72 hours but every time i see it, i have the same thought: the heaven's gate cult absolutely chartered the popularity of the snuggie and none of those poor bastards are around to reap the benefits. do you remember the heaven's gate cult? they wore red robes (snuggies! i swear they were snuggies!) and nike tennis shoes and they committed a mass suicide that aligned with the reappearance of the hale-bopp comet. (sad, just sad.) but if those people had had the foresight to market their fashions instead of downing vodka shots laced with phenobarbital they could have been the latest and greatest hollywood religion. move over kabbalah, move over scientology - tom cruise and his l. ron hubbard loving ass could have been on oprah singing the praises of marshall applewhite and the comfort of the snuggie!

but alas, that was not in the cards, which is odd for a group of people claiming to be so instrinsically in tune with the universe. (hmm...) and that is why i'll just wear my bathrobe backwards instead of buying a snuggie, even though if i call in the next 20 minutes i could get two (!) for the price of one. but it doesn't stop me from admiring the package at walgreen's while i'm in the "as seen on tv" aisle; i'd look pretty good in that shade of red.

moving on...

i'm boycotting the use of my dishwasher. because it's just me here now and i don't eat nearly as much when i'm alone (as opposed to being all relationship-ed up) i've resolved to handwash all my dishes to see if it makes much of a difference on my electric and water bill. oh, the things i do for fun when i'm bored. but of all the chores i have to do as an adult, dishes is far from the worst. my least favorite chore of all time is dusting. i will vacuum until the cows come home, i'll do laundry until i can't see, but i hate dusting. because no matter when i do it, it's the wrong time. if you dust after you vacuum then you're just wiping crap on the floor. and if you dust before you vacuum you'll just blow more dirt around with the vacuum and then everything looks like you need to dust again. so i just don't do it. it looks like the color is way off on my tv but it's really just a nice thick layer of dust and i'm okay with that.

did you hear about paul harvey? that made me sad, i loved paul harvey. even though towards the end he was looking less human and more like a wax museum version of himself, he was still fun to listen to. my grandma used to listen to him on the radio every day - i can remember being eight years old, in the blow up pool in her backyard, kitchen window open so she could keep an ear and an eye on me and hearing the noon news with paul harvey come drifting through on good ol' KMGO. that was one of the best summers of my life - i spent like six weeks at my grandma's house that summer, going to work, going to lunch, eating grilled cheese, shopping and just hanging out. she was a lot of fun. i miss her. i miss her a lot.

i'm going to my mom's today, i think we're going to look for a tv since hers is on its way out. i'm looking forward to getting out of the house and getting some sunshine, even if it is 10 below outside.