29 May 2009

what, me worry?

i think i'm depressed. no sarcasm here, i think hormones are messing with my mind. i've been shrugging off the idea of post-partum depression for nearly four weeks now. i'm well aware of the fact that i've always been a "glass half empty" kind of person but this is getting ridiculous. i'm pretty miserable with the way i look and the way i feel right now. i worry constantly about big things and little things, things that don't make any sense and things i have no control over. and these aren't just fleeting worries - these are the kinds of thoughts that make me drive home to check to see that things are done; irrational thoughts about the way we care for the baby - things that sometimes make absolutely no sense at all. i broke down this afternoon into a terrific little attack, a nice mix of panic and anxiety and a bout of hyperventilation. the bee and i are at each other's throats and have been for about three days now; this evening we called a truce because i'm nearing meltdown mode and he's in the middle of a migraine. things just sort of suck at the moment.

in spite of all this, baby brodie is wonderful. never mind that his parents are neurotic and spastic and all sorts of other adjectives that end in "-ic", i'm sure.

i go to the doctor on monday. the bee is self-medicating with muscle relaxers. we're going to be fine, it's just not going to happen tonight.

26 May 2009

can i have four beers?

it feels like monday. it's really tuesday. the holiday on monday has messed up my week already, not that i had anything big planned - my days pretty much run together anymore. save for the occasional trip to target or the post office, all my days are pretty much the same. and that's okay, me and brodie do just fine - putzing around, doing a whole lot of not much at all. he's my little buddy. :-)

one thing i did have to do today was go to court. see, i never really offered a lot of detail before, but a few months ago i found myself in a just a wee little bit of legal trouble. the circumstances were pathetic and far from ideal but it was technically my fault. and so i've been sweating the outcome for the last few months. my pre-trial conference was today and i was fully prepared for whatever that means, i really didn't know. in fact, i still don't know what goes on at those because at mine, my attorney and the county attorney negotiated a lesser charge, one that i don't have to disclose to potential employers, and a teeny weeny fine. WOOHOO! i am jailbird janel no longer!

i can say that the experience has taught me that i have completely missed my calling. i should have been an attorney. how terrific would i be at a job where i argue with people all day for lots of money? i mean really. i would rock that job like a hurricane and we're not talking wimpy little tropical storms. i could katrina that job if i set my mind to it. BUT... but that would mean how much more school? and how much more in student loans? and right now all i want to do is talk baby talk to little man; i'm hardly suitable for adult conversation.

however, speaking of school, i am considering another bout of grad school. there are some programs locally and at the school where i did my undergrad that sound interesting and at least worth investigating. i may end up being the most educated stay-at-home-parent in my zip code but at least i'll feel good about myself, right? riiiight...

the bee and i were discussing daycare and my venture back to the whippy dip and most likely (eventually) giant conglomerate bank. neither of us are too excited for me to go back to work and put the little man in daycare. in spite of my education, i'll be working to pay for someone to watch the little guy and very little else. i've never wanted to work (let's be honest, i hate working and i'm really good at staying home) but now i actually have a reason to stay home - a really good reason. again, i'm not sure what the answer to this dilemma is - hopefully something presents itself soon. technically, i'm supposed to be back at giant conglomerate bank by the middle of next month and back to the whippy dip even earlier than that. i just don't know.

i may have already mentioned this, but the idea of someone watching little man all day everyday bothers me immensely. i don't want to miss out on watching him grow up and do all the spectacular things that little ones do. but the advice i've been given (not to mention my own conscience) is leading me to believe that falling into the position of a stay-at-home-mom - dependent on someone else (ahem, buzz buzz) to bring home the bacon and be happy about it - may not be the most sound decision at this point.

and as long as i'm talking about things that have bothered me, let me bring this up. my son turned three weeks old yesterday, right? three weeks. and he's met the majority of his family and lots of his extended family even. but do you know who hasn't rushed up to see him, in spite of the fact that he said that he would? my dad. my dad has yet to meet his grandson. my dad and his crazy wife have yet to drive 90 minutes to meet my son. my dad, who on the day i delivered, said that he'd be there. my dad, who two days after i delivered said that he'd make the trip up that first weekend. yup. my dad hasn't so much as called to see how we're doing, much less travel to meet my baby. do you have any idea how much this bothers me? when i called my dad the monday after mother's day, guess what we talked about? we talked about my half-sister's kids and his crazy wife's grandkids. i got all of 30 seconds in on the topic of the fabulousness of baby brodie; he just didn't want to talk about it.

i can't even begin to explain how peeved i am - how much i'm insulted by his behavior. yes, i know, concessions should be made because my father isn't the man he used to be. and i ought to cut him some slack because he's old and not well. but i'm going to come right out and say that i'm tired of making concessions for someone who only has his own best interests at heart. i'm tired of making excuses based on a lack of good health and mental instability for this man. i understand that he is what he is and i should accept him for that - he's always been a flake and we've (my brothers and i) always come second to his life, his agenda, his needs. but i am honestly hurt by his lack of interest in the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. and i'm not going to be the one to reach out anymore. he's the one that's missing out on getting to know brodie. lucky for brodie, he has other grandparents that adore him and can't see him often enough.

and now my blood pressure is through the roof. i need a pill. or maybe a beer. do you know that i haven't had a drop to drink in 10 months? i know that i'm able to drink now but i'm afraid that the first sip will knock my ass out; i've lost my tolerance and i'm back to being the drunk chick two sips into my margarita at the mexican restaurant.

oh, woe is me.

24 May 2009

a sunday morning quickie

get your minds out of the gutter.

brodie will be three weeks old tomorrow! at his last check-up, little man weighed in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces - and that was last monday. who knows? we may have broken the 10-pound barrier since then. this kid is an eater - every two to four hours - he never willingly misses a meal. most of the time it's just me and him, putzing around the house, getting the mail, taking lunch to the bee at work. i'm falling into the trap of domestic-ism and easily so; the idea of going back to work at giant conglomerate bank makes me want to cry. i don't want to miss any days with little man and the idea of someone else (such as daycare or a babysitter) watching him everyday makes me sad. i don't know what the answer is - hopefully it makes itself clear soon.

as for me, i get some sleep here and there. i do a lot of laundry. i've lost 33 pounds but i still have a few to go. my body has completely changed shape and none of my clothes fit. i'm seriously contemplating muu-muus as this summer's fashion statement. i could wear muu-muus, sport flip-flops and eat bon-bons all summer, because obviously if it's hyphenated it's worth my time.

the bee and i are good about half the time, which really translates to daylight hours because after the sun goes down he's a bear. he's either such a heavy sleeper that he doesn't hear little man cry or he has far more tolerance for the sound of an unhappy baby than i do; i'm not sure and i don't really care - i find both options equally annoying. so most of our arguments take place in the middle of the night while we're both half-asleep and mostly incoherent. in all actuality though, it seems to work okay for now because neither of us remember what was really said or done (or not done in some cases) but we both know we need to apologize for something. our morning conversations go something like this...

janel: "hey. hey. HEY. it's 6:45, you wanted to leave the house ten minutes ago."
the bee: "hi. you need to brush your teeth. i don't know what i said last night but i'm sorry."
janel: "i don't know what you said either but okay. sorry i hit you with the pillow all those times."
the bee: "it's okay; i deserved it - i was being an asshole. but really, you need to brush your teeth."
janel: "i freaking get it. lay off my teeth there, nuclear waste mouth. aren't you late for work?"
the bee: "oh hell. what time is it? why didn't you wake me up?"

and so on and so forth - you can see where this is going. and so begins another beautiful day in our neighborhood...

brodie's cousin kooper loaned us his stroller. it's the coolest thing ever. all these bells and whistles and straps and baskets and handles and buttons. the only thing it doesn't do is make toast. i'm kind of excited to get out and walk with little man this week.

tomorrow is memorial day; i think i'm working at the whippy dip but i'm not sure. i can see how that place eats managers for dinner - yesterday we were welcomed by two machines full of sour ice cream and a cooler full of sour, chunky ice cream mix. luckily (and i honestly mean this) i was the only one that tasted just how bad the stuff really was - if we'd sold much of it we'd probably have a lawsuit on our hands. i don't think dead customers or botulism are good advertising tools.

yesterday was the first day i left little man with his grandma. i wasn't worried about them, leaving brodie with my mom is like me watching him, you know? but it was the first time that i was really without him for nearly 11 months now - i felt like i'd left my right leg at home. it was very bizarre. once i got over it (which is really to say once i stopped sobbing, which was about 43 miles into my 56 mile trip) i was okay. it was nice to talk to adults and have conversations about things other than poop. but i missed him all day and couldn't wait to get back to see him last night.

the bee is working overtime (OT BABY! WOOHOO for RENT!) this weekend on a big nasty project so it's just me and brodie today. we've got some errands to run and groceries to buy and some stuff to do but we have to be home by 4 p.m. for the start of the Coca Cola 600. i'm going to give little man his first lesson in nascar: jeff gordon is a dipshit and kevin harvick rules. :-)

14 May 2009

i'm a fast learner

i've never had a better reason for not writing than i do at this very moment. it's not that i don't want to write, i've got all sorts of things to say - i just don't have the time. it's amazing how one little person can manipulate all my time, all the time. he's really good at it - and he's only 10 days old. imagine what lies ahead...

so in honor of brodie being 10 days old and me finding 17 minutes to myself where i'm not asleep or trying to be asleep, here's what i have learned in my first 10 days as mommy.
  • there is no such thing as "sleeping like a baby." babies don't sleep. they toss and turn and grunt and snort and fart and burp and moan and groan. or at least my baby does. it sounds like we're keeping a herd of piglets in the bassinette as opposed to our super adorable baby brodie.
  • babies may be cute but they can make some really ugly and funny faces.
  • you can't "sleep when baby sleeps" (i must have heard this about 50 trillion times over the last 10 months, for real!) if the baby doesn't sleep. and there are times when baby brodie doesn't sleep.
  • just because the diaper is full of poop doesn't mean that baby is necessarily done pooping.
  • babies will pick the most expensive and hardest to clean blanket in the room and then pee all over it. twice.
  • some babies are talented enough to pee in their own ear.
  • my son is very, very talented.
  • there is apparently nothing more monotonous to a baby than the weather channel. it puts him to sleep every time. :-) and when meteorology doesn't put him to sleep, and five hours of rocking and dancing and singing with mommy doesn't work either, just hand brodie to daddy - five minutes later they're both sound asleep.
  • licking napkins and wiping faces is apparently a genetic thing that can't be helped. it just happened, i swear!
  • bath time is no fun for baby brodie. but it's fun for mommy.
  • pooties love brodies. :D
  • suddenly every waking moment is an opportunity for a cute picture. i can't get enough pictures of a sleeping brodie, it's the cutest thing ever.

i'm sure there are many, many more - i just can't think of anymore right now. one thing have learned, and very quickly so, is that my brain is now mush. i shouldn't be allowed to make any sort of decisions, big or small, right now. i'm lucky i remember my own name.

and now i'm going to watch the office while the little guy sleeps. priorities, right?

05 May 2009

the new love of my life

the waiting is over, baby brodie is here.

he's amazing. he's perfect. he's beautiful. he's enormous. he's the spitting image of his father - it's adorable. his eyes are a deep, deep blue (and subject to change, i know) and his little face is just perfect. i'm in love, completely and totally head over heels for this little person that i've just met but that i've known for the last nine months. it's the most overwhelming, terrifying, intense feeling i've ever felt - but it comes with relief and happiness and joy, pure joy.

really, there are no words to describe how i feel. it's just incredible.

i swear - there are pictures but i can't get them to you tonight. i'm calling this a "connection" problem but it's probably just really tired lady operator error. but we go home tomorrow and i'll do my best to get them posted just as soon as possible. i can't wait for you all to see his little face.

he's worth the wait.