i'd have shaved my legs if i'd known ankle was for dinner.

have you ever stuck your foot so far in your mouth it just won't come out? i'm serious here - i'm talking ankles past the tonsils, squarely lodged with no hope of coming out anytime soon? yeah, that's me, currently. i overreacted to a series of events yesterday and it's left me with my mouth full of kneecap. you'd think i'd know better by now.

so how do you apologize for being so volatile? how do you apologize for being off your rocker? i said things that were not necessary, things that were mean and spiteful and i said them for no other reason than to be mean and spiteful. i routinely act that way around some people but in reaction to this person, it was completely unwarranted.

and i'm sorry.

i ended up coming home last night - home to my apartment. i found the place a shambles; the bee has systematically dismantled each and every room in the process of gathering his belongings and preparing to leave. even in the midst of our nasty and ongoing (text message) conversation, i was still shocked. i felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach. i honestly didn't think that it had come to that point and i guess that makes me stupid and naive because deep down i thought that there was still a chance.

just about everything was already packed, so i really had nothing to lose by being honest. and i was. i told him it was time to grow up or break up - because it's not benefiting anyone to live in personal turmoil. we've taken the steps to be a couple and to have a serious relationship and live together - we've created a child together, for crying out loud - it's hard to take a step backwards and maintain similar feelings at this point. i don't want a relationship in limbo; i don't want to have to question each and everyday the seriousness of what's going on around me.

his main argument has to do with my doctor's appointment today and the fact that i'm going alone. he felt that he should be able to attend and i honestly feel otherwise. i feel that if he can't stick around through the bad as well as the good, then he shouldn't get to share in the happiness and hope that i've pinned on this appointment. i've put a lot of eggs in this basket, so to speak - i'm hoping that the definitveness delivered by the doctor this afternoon will quell alot of my fears and make the entire situation finally feel real. i'm hoping for some personal relief by way of a new antidepressant that will help me, mentally and physically, work with the people around me. and i'm hoping that clear answers and concise information changes my attitude. because i've been hopelessly negative for the last few weeks.

these are things that i'm looking forward to - and i feel that if he can't share in the really hard times with me, then its not fair that he gets to share in the times that bring me joy. if he so desires, he can share in my happiness every other weekend and every other holiday. and that's what it boils down to. grow up or break up. we haven't left ourselves a lot of room for in between. he's either in or he's out - what's it going to be?

i know i've been unbearable this last month. i'm making a conscious effort to change as much of that as i can. he hasn't exactly been a peach; he said he's going to work on that as well. i need him to stop making me feel so inadequate and boring - he'll work on that as much as he can, he says he doesn't realize that he even does that. he needs me to stop griping; that's a fair request.

there are still bags in the middle of the living room floor and to say that i'm displeased with the current condition of our living space is the understatement of the hour. but if it's meant to be, it will be and all the confusion will be sorted out.

for the time being anyway, it seems that he's in.

so, relative calm and quiet for my first evening back home. you might ask what i'm doing awake at this ungodly hour, at least it's ungodly for me. the real question is why have i been awake since about 230 this morning? and it's lying right next to me, in all it's apnea-ish and wheezing glory: the bee's snoring keeps me awake.

it's no wonder i'm such a high-strung and zinged out bitch all day long and its really no wonder that i want to go to bed at 5 p.m. in the evening - he has the worst snoring problem i've ever heard and the worst attitude about doing anything to fix it. short of duct tape (for him) and ear plugs (for me), i wonder what i'm going to have to do to get a good night's sleep. because if it's not the text messages, it's the dreams. and if it's not the dreams, then it's the snoring. it doesn't matter where i am, he won't let me sleep!

i don't know what to do. his alarm starts going off in about 12 minutes. once he leaves the house, i should be able to rest for a while. i hope...

bad to worse, worse to... what comes after worse?

i've really done it this time. no, really, this is my fault. the bee and i have been at each other's throats all week. i take that back. we had a couple good nights. i made dinner, we talked - they were good nights. and then we had some... well, i can't even explain what went wrong. i've been nothing but an awful, terrible bitch for the last month and i haven't been able to put my finger on the reason. last night was tops, though, really. i completely rivaled meryl streep or shirley maclaine in my ability to go from normal to raging, lunatic bitch in about 4.6 seconds. the bee and i went to dinner with my parents and it just turned into a fiasco. and it didn't have to. on the way over, he was nice. he wanted to talk. and i was awful. and i was awful at dinner and i was awful after dinner. i was so awful that i left him there to find his own way home. and i was so awful that my parents argued about my awfulness most of the night and into today.

and i was so awful that i think i finally got the bee to his breaking point. or the point of breaking up with me. we can't talk on the phone; we can't talk, period. all communication is by text message, which feels so juvenile. but his message was clear: he doesn't need me. and that's all i got. that's all i got last night, and all i got today. in fact, i haven't even heard from him today, which means that he's serious.

of course, i ran away from it. and i ran right back home, to my old room and my old habits. its sad how much we really are creatures of habit. and so this morning, in looking for my daily validation from my mom, i got my eyes opened.

i'm not sure why i'm not happy with him. i'm not sure why he's not good enough for me - why i won't let him be good enough for me. it probably wouldn't matter if he righted every wrong i pointed out to him - i'm sure it wouldn't be enough. i don't know when i became such a heartless person. i was thinking that it was just inevitable - my taking something relatively good and just fucking it up beyond belief. it's what i seem to do. but i think that's just an excuse for my fear.

and what am i so afraid of? i can't even pinpoint that. i know i'm terrified of this baby and the responsibility it brings. i'm terrified of what people think of me - single, pregnant, unemployed, uninsured and in financial dire straits. i'm terrified that i'm not going to be able to get my act together, to make it work for myself and for this child. but most of all, i am literally terrified to be alone. not alone, like afraid to be alone in this house, but alone, with no significant other. so then i wonder, do i care about the bee? did i care about the bee? is there really any hope? or was this just another doomed attempt to thwart being lonely? i don't know what i'm doing anymore, and i'm having a terrible time trying to right my wrongs.

i seriously don't know where to start. can i apologize to the bee? would it even be honest? and would he care? do i pay the rent or the car payment first, and while we're on the subject, where am i going to get the money to do that? how am i going to get a job after they take my car? and why can't i seem to get it together? why am i constantly falling apart? when did i become so weak that failure became a viable option?

i'm sad. i'm sad for me, because i don't know where to start or what to do. i'm sad for the bee, because most of this really isn't his fault. and i'm really sad for this baby, because it has no idea what it's coming into. of everyone, this baby has the most to lose, which is heartbreaking because it's certainly not his (or her) fault.

my mom worries that i don't want this baby. that's not the case. really. i already love this baby more than i can put into words. but i'm scared to death of failing this child and bringing it into a world with strikes on its record. what kind of parent am i that i can't make the mom and dad relationship work? what kind of parent am i that i drive away its father? better yet, what kind of parent am i that i honestly think that i may not even want its father? he was apparently good enough for me at one point; what changed? and what makes it okay for me to be that selfish when there is someone else, someone helpless and innocent, to take into consideration?

i have all these questions, and not a single answer.

it was brought to my attention this morning that i've been off my antidepressant for about six weeks now, ever since i thought there may be a chance that i was pregnant. the effects of celexa on a fetus were dangerous enough that my doctor told me to stop. interestingly enough, that's when a lot of my problems started. funny how that works, isn't it? i'd been on antidepressants for a couple years up to that point - and while i can see in other people how going off them effects their mood, i've never been able to see it in myself until i'm almost completely out of control. its kind of funny, i had this conversation with my brother's girlfriend just last week and never once considered the possible implications, personally. my mom wants me to talk to the ob/gyn next week at my appointment to see if there is anything that can be done. and probably there is. but i don't know if my personal relationships can be salvaged or what kind of excuse that is for my behavior.

i just don't know what to do. and wouldn't you know it, i can't turn around without images of a baby or a family or something on television or in the books i read and i've been crying pretty much nonstop. not that it takes much for me to cry these days, but i've been in tears pretty much all weekend. and this is what i do to get away and de-stress...

i'm making dinner for the family tomorrow. not in my own house, because i literally can't bear to be there right now, but in my mom's kitchen. one of these days i'm going to have to stop running away. and walking away and turning away. and learn to just start standing still.

get in the kitchen and make me a pot pie.

work is slow. painfully slow. i mean, there is literally nothing to do on my "to-do" list. and while generally i think that's pretty awesome, i am ready to pull my hair out today. i have done absolutely nothing. accomplished nothing. and you know what's on the agenda for tomorrow? nothing. i'm considering bringing a book to read while i'm at work; it is that freaking slow. too bad we don't have a washing machine here; i'd bring my laundry. "yup, we have great availability of 2008 gmc sierras - oh! hold on, that was the dryer. i need to fold my underwear..." but just one more day and then i'm off (from job #1) for four whole days. i am working at job #2, but that hardly seems like work.

this weekend is the bee's birthday. guess how old he's going to be? 23. that cracks me up. i'm a little excited that for about five weeks, i won't be five years older than him and then i won't feel like such a pederass, walter. but this weekend is his birthday and he won't tell me if he wants anything or if he wants to do anything... he's sort of being a pain in the butt about it, truth be told. and yet, if i don't do something or if i don't get him anything, i'm sure i'll never hear the end of it. "you don't love me, you didn't do anything for my birthday, wahh, wahh, wahh..." so i don't know. anyone have any suggestions?

how was your christmas? mine was wonderful, once the bee and i stopped arguing. we had a knock-down, drag-out fight on christmas adam (the day before christmas eve) and he ended up spending the day with his family alone and i ended up wrapping presents at my mom's. i hate arguing with him; he throws these really wonderful tantrums that just make my blood boil. but i'm sure i'm no picnic. anyway, we resolved our differences in the name of christmas spirit and fuel economy.

we spent christmas eve with my family. my gifts to others seemed paltry in comparison to years past and that made me feel a little bad (i mean, come on - i even regifted one present and i never do that!), even though everyone seemed pleased. its just one of those holidays where it seems no matter what i do, i always want to do more. and this year it just was not possible.

once again, and in spite of tremendous physical pain, my mom remembered all the weird little things i said i wanted throughout the year. i got the postsecret books, which i've wanted forever, and i got new pans (which we desperately needed) and i got really-not-so-awesome pg lady clothes. not that the clothes aren't awesome, it's just not awesome that i'm going to be as big as a grain silo in a few months. i'm not really looking forward to that at all. but the clothes are cute and i'm aware that they are a necessary evil. OH! and we got teeny weeny little baby slippers with ducks on them, and hats and blankets. too freaking cute.

we spent christmas eve night and christmas morning with his family. they're weird but mostly loveable. his mom hugged me before we left and said she loved me and wants me to be sure that i came around on a regular basis. it made me cry. i like his mom; she seems to be a good person and for the most part rational. his family seems pretty accepting of the situation; i got a good ribbing from most of them and things seemed okay. and now i feel a bazillion times better about that situation.

christmas day afternoon we spent with my father and his wife. it was phenomenal. (this is me, being sarcastic.) i had to bribe the bee to eat (and if you know the bee, that is really saying something. that boy never turns down food, ever.) for christmas day dinner with my dad and stepmom, we had overcooked ham, undercooked potatoes and mush that used to be mixed vegetables. i ate a lot of rolls. and then we left, because it was starting to smell like a bar, with all the cigarette smoke in an 8 by 10 room. blecch...

i was happy to be home on christmas night, away from people and just quiet. but the bee was restless and so we ended up at prairie meadows. on christmas day, of all things - can you imagine? that place was packed, which i found sort of shocking: why weren't these people home with their families? and then i realized they were kind of like me, probly just happy to have christmas over with and blowing off steam. and gambling away their christmas money. (i didn't do that, by the way, i didn't have any money. so i spent the bee's money. :) ) but it was okay. i'm honestly just happy that christmas is over; there's so much build up for it.

although, i have to admit, i prefer the christmas commercials that are no longer running to the political commercials that have taken their place. good god. i've considered caucusing but all the candidates are so unrelenting and catty - i can't imagine what it would be like to be surrounded by hundreds of their followers in a small room. blecch. besides, have you ever read about the actual caucus process? with all due respect, it's pretty fucking gay. nobody puts this baby in the corner; not for hillary or obama or edwards or anyone. thanks but no thanks, i'll just stay home and watch the results on tv. because for a week afterward, that is all that will be on tv.

i have a terrible cold; have i mentioned that? i know i mentioned that i've accomplished nothing today. that's sort of untrue if you consider coughing, sneezing, blowing and sniffling something. because i've done a lot of that. and the really fun part? are you ready for this? sometimes when i sneeze i feel like i'm going to pee my pants. that must be part of this whole baby thing, because i'm normally not a pants pisser. that sort of sucks. you know what else sucks? morning sickness. that really sucks. because i don't like to puke before i even get out of bed. the bee has to bring me a bucket before i can even roll over. that's like number one on my list of not-awesome things today.

ugh. just a few more minutes and then i get to go home. i'm hungry. what's for dinner? who's cooking? not me. and not the bee, he's out with friends. maybe i'll make fish sticks. or maybe i'll make grilled cheese, that sounds good. you know what i can't get enough of lately? sunkist orange soda. no caffiene, but plenty of sugar, i'm sure. i like to fool myself into thinking that if it tastes like orange it must be good for me. lol... okay. i'm off.

love,
superjanel

i'm sort of hungry for coleslaw.

(there's no joke there, it's just true.)

i hate cabbage in all forms except for coleslaw. and i'm pretty picky about the coleslaw i'll eat. like kfc? no freakin' way. that crap comes in 10 gallon buckets. but like homemade slaw they serve in country bumpkin restaraunts - yeah, that shit is yummy.

and i want some. i need to find someone to go eat coleslaw with me.

any takers?

yesterday was a good day. i attended both of my appointments and left feeling hopeful. the first was nothing more than paperwork and getting ready for the actual appointment - which will come in about two weeks - but it's almost like a weight was taken off my shoulders just admitting that there may be an issue there, you know? i feel better just getting it all out in the open. and i supposed that's part of resolution, but it's not one that i'm good at, generally speaking.

so yesterday was good.

yesterday was also practice night at the hallowed half mile. i know, i know, i hated it when i was with you - but there's something so familiar about the place and the people and the atmosphere (and that fucking smell, i can't get that out of my head) that i had to go back and see it just once more. i saw and talked to people i knew and i even dragged along the gran massa - and i still felt very alone in attending. it was a strange feeling. i don't know if i'll go back. perhaps that trip will have cured me.

but i doubt it.

see, i don't want to be one of those discarded people that are shunned from the scene. and i don't want to be a groupie. i don't really know what the purpose of the visit was except that it felt very normal.

and i'm seeking normalcy in any form right now.

i will tell you that i enjoyed it. the sights, the sounds, the smells (omg, the smell) - it just seemed right.

today, i'm posting from the raging metropolis of corydon. i'm home with the folks. while strange there is a tinge of normal to this as well. tomorrow night i'll return to dbq and regular life, but i needed a break, time to breathe, time to think.

for now i'm going to head up to the garage and see what's shakin'. there may be ice cream in my future this afternoon, i'm not sure.

like i needed more reasons.

i'm never having children. ever. i mean, i wasn't too keen on the concept of little superjanels running around before, but now, i'm positive. no ifs, ands or buts about it.

it's not even a possibility.

i'm watching my aunt as a mother. and she sucks. she's raising a difficult teenage girl and she's calling ME for advice. me. i have cats and goldfish, neither of which i'm all that great with when it comes to regular maintenance and oil changes and such, and she calls ME to find out what SHE should do with HER daughter.

there's something not right about this.

does drinking dr. pepper make you a doctor? i don't think so!

there is no food in the house and i am hungry. don't go thinking i'm a hog because the food is gone, either - i'm not the one who ate it all. nope. the gran massa ate all the food in the house. all of it. gone. empty. no more. nada. this morning, i was like, okay, i'm out of milk so i'll have one of those granola bars i stuck in the way far back of the cabinet. nope. those are gone too. bastard ate my granola bars! ugh. so tonight i eat cheese. it's either cheese or ucky leftover taco pizza.

maybe i'll start fasting, i'm not sure.

so i'm sort of happy about the fact that this trip to ric didn't pan out this week. lil star is being released from the hospital and she wants me to be there to see her. if i'd been in ric i wouldn't have been able to go - not that i would have ever made to ric, they're getting like feet of rain and floods and hail and locusts and headless horsemen. yup, it's apocolypsing on the east coast, didn't you hear? and would you like to know why? it has nothing to do with sinners - it's because i had a trip planned and god didn't get the memo that i wasn't really going in time to call the whole thing off. sorry east coast. next time i'll try to go somewhere else or at least keep my plans to myself until the very last minute. otherwise you're likely to fall off the edge of the country and become your own little nation because there will prolly be a giant earthquake or something equally awful, like the nationals will win a world series or something.

and that's no gouda.

but this is gouda. i wish i had some gouda. and some apples. and some bread. and some milk. holy crap i'm hungry.

okay, fellow bloggers - i'm curious. is this word verification crap that blogger is putting me through pissing off anyone else or am i the only one? because i'm seriously honked about it and i'm considering giving blogger the official janel heave-ho. i guess i understand the whole concept of word verification but this is what upsets me: they're not words and i can never read them. like right now, the word verification word is "jhundfs." yeah, i'm smart. i know THAT'S NOT A WORD. wtf? and to top it all off, i can never read those stupid things anyway. so it takes me like seven tries just to get my post actually posted. gahhh. stupid blogger. how does that import thing work over at wordpress, anyway? anyone care to tell me? i'm taking it under consideration.

so. boys are also honking me off this evening. and not in a good way, if there even is a good way to be honked. i guess it's possible that with all the apocolypsing out there on the coast that baxter got flooded out of his home or eaten by a giant locust or galloped over by a headless horseman. but i'm putting my money on the idea that his phone just stopped dialing out, for whatever reason. now i know what you're thinking - superjanel, we've been through this before and phones work both ways - like a two way street, you know, it goes both ways? well, not today it doesn't. and tomorrow it won't either. i was the last one to make the effort. now it's his turn.

game on.

so tomorrow i have to get up at the ass crack of dawn so i can go do laundry so i'm not driving naked to go see family. that's just not cool. i've been naked in enough vehicles lately to last me for awhile.

but anyway. i'm going to go gnaw on the entertainment center to take the edge off my appetite before i go to bed.

if you keep talking i'll tell you what you want to hear.

what a weird day. i've been plagued by weird days lately. a zinged out weekend followed by a whacked out monday and tuesday and now wednesday? what on earth could the rest of the week hold?

a couple of things are keeping me from sleeping this evening. my star is in trouble, she's not doing well, her life is completely turned upside down and she's not coping. i'd expect as much from someone in her position at her age, to me it seems normal and maybe only because i've walked in those shoes before. her home life lacks the stability she needs to make any sort of sound decision and the availability of excuses provided by her parents is astounding - why is it that her parent can't be a parent - she can only be a friend? and not even a friend that takes care of you - it's one of those toxic friendships based on jealousy and insecurity. but i'm concerned about her. and my personal experience lends itself to something a little different but i can still relate. i just don't know if she wants me to. i don't know if she wants to hear. i don't want to be a toxic relationship - i don't want to tell her for sympathy, i'm not trying to outdo her and her current situation. i just want her to understand that these feelings, the bleak and cold, the darkness and the loneliness - they pass. they fade. and things get better. she's just got to give it time. that's the only thing that heals those feelings.

i watch situations like this unfold with those around me and i don't think i should have kids. i can't guarantee that i'd be a normal parent. i'm a little too self-involved to be responsible for the welfare of someone else, a little person, someone who would depend on me for life and sustenance.

i mean, some days, i forget to feed the cats...

so last night, after all that i went through yesterday personally, i went to see my lil star in the hospital. i didn't do anything drastic, i was just there to give her an ear, to let her know that i care. that she means the world to me - i mean, for god's sake, i loaned her a tickle bunny. for those of you that know me, you know that there is no other symbol of trust and love that could ever mean more to me. i gave her one of the things in my life that is made of pure happiness - rainbows and sunshine and puppies - and i wanted her to have it, just to know that someone loves her. it's one of the most comforting things in my life and i wanted to share it with her because she means so much to me. i hope she knows that.

and then i reminded her that it was only a loan... but i got her to smile.

i took the gran massa with me last night. he's often misguided but he's nothing if not loyal and last night was no difference. he's a good friend to me. he lets me cry and carry on and be dramatic and stupid and all the while he tries to comfort me as best he knows how. he doesn't always understand but he tries and that's all i can ask. i'm lucky to have him as a friend.

i didn't get to bed until nearly 0700. late dinner, early drinks and bizarre cartoons made for a late, late night.

i didn't accomplish much today. i had a list of things i wanted to do today and it just didn't happen.

i got a disappointing phone call this evening. baxter has to cancel next week's trip. i won't lie, i was a little upset. i found the entire thing a little concerning and i took it a little personally. not necessarily the correct way to take it, but it was my first response. after being coerced into calling him back, i find that i feel much better. although it could completely be his wife and seven children that are keeping me from seeing him this coming week, i have a feeling it's prolly work related and not his fault. i mean, he did sound quite apologetic. unless maybe i'm just a sucker and completely falling for this line of crap. but my gut says otherwise. and so i'm going to go with it. we're going to try to find a weekend that works for both of us... sooner hopefully than later. it's an interesting feeling to be so attracted to someone that technically i've never met - only to know personality-wise makes things interesting to say the least.

and the conversation is always good...

but if the next meeting goes awry, i may begin to think otherwise.

have you ever seen a 4,500$ stuffed animal? gran massa and i went to dinner tonight on his casino points. averaging about 1 point for every 3 dollars played/transacted in the casino, our dinner and my stuffed dog ended up costing about $26,000. it was good and the dog is cute, but when you break down the actual amount of money that essentially changed hands, it's a little sad. but it didn't stop me from gorging on orange roughy and lobster corndogs.

mmm. corndogs. :)

tomorrow i will post photos of my new 4,500$ dog. he's cute. his name is skeez and he requires no baths. woot!

so now i'm going to bed, visions of upcoming vacation in my head. what shall i do with my two days next week? perhaps i'll stay home and be responsible, catch up on work i need to do.

we'll see. gnite.

love,
superfreakindisappointedbutunderstandingjanel

sunshine i'm just bored, i'm just checkin' out...

i'm tired of driving. it's all i do anymore. drive, drive, drive. it's a bad thing when you're so used to being in a car that you have to really put energy into concentrating on the road - shouldn't that be the first concern of someone behind the wheel of a car? not for me lately. i talk, i sing, i dance, i read, i eat, i drink - everything but pay attention to the road. i am a menace in a rendezvous. look out, fellow highway cruisers.

today was job #2 today. i enjoy job #2 because it gives me a chance to spend time with my mom and generally other family members. like today i saw jordy laforge and steph, i haven't seen them in a while. and nigel, i got to spend time with nigel. i miss these people! i get my minimum recommended weekly dose and no more. i fully expected to be in trouble, as much as a 27-year-old human can be in trouble, i guess, by my mom for going to canada in the middle of a snowstorm in april in a car with no insurance. yeah, that sort of happened. and then we had a talk. a good talk. she wonders why her children have no common sense, but i think most of that comes with life experience and the rest is bullshit and timing. it's something you can't self-apply - kind of like self tan lotion. you need someone to tell you if you have any glaring white spots that you just can't see yourself. common sense is the same thing - while you have the basic comments, you need someone to come along and fill in the holes and even things out. for me, that's my mom.

finally got my taxes done. i procrastinate even on things that could potentially benefit me. not that it did, but it could have...

do people ever surprise you? because sometimes they surprise the holy shit out of me. i'm talking about several situations/conversations that have occurred over the last few days, all revolving around people in my life.

one... i tried to do something really nice for someone today; i tried to make a dent in a hurt that this person had indicated had bothered them for a long time. i was met with no enthusiasm or response and now my feelings are hurt. isn't that dumb? my feelings are hurt because my friend can be insensitive? there's something not right about that.

two... i came clean in the proverbial sense to another friend today about a situation that lingers over my head for just a little bit longer. i feel better about airing this but i feel bad for dumping it onto an unsuspecting person's shoulders. i guess that's one way to find out how big one's shoulders really are... the nice thing was that my friend didn't get all zinged out, didn't call me names and actually related that he is somewhat of a normal person as well. it's good to know.

three... it's nice to be trusted. it's a nice feeling when someone seeks you out to share their day and their experience and lets you know that they trust you.

i need to go to bed. i'm considering turning over a new leaf and i tend to think that this happens before the afternoon newscast. i've set an alarm. i'll let you know how this goes...

my roommate is trying to kill me...

i've had a good couple of days.

yesterday i went to the qc (not to be confused with the oc) and spent time with the fam, being a friend to my lil cuz. i remember being a confused 16-year-old, but i don't remember my driver's ed teacher being so hot.

his name is joel. OMG. i've put in a request for private driving lessons...

but i had a good time. we shopped, we browsed, we swapped belly button rings in the parking lot, we ate at the ihop, we shared boy stories and war stories - she's amazing.

i just wish she knew it.

today was fun. gran massa and i went mushroom hunting. that lasted for all of about 17 minutes and then he got frustrated because he's never found a mushroom (or at least never found a mushroom and not stepped on it). so then we went mountain climbing.

i'm not kidding. we went climbing up the side of a damn mountain.

in dbq.

up like thousands of feet and then across the side of a miniature freakin' grand canyon and then down the side of a canyon. this bitch was not happy about this at all, especially when the "trail" ended like 7 feet from the driver's side of my car.

i truly think he was trying to kill me. because more than once i looked down and about hyperventilated myself off the side of a mountain. holy crizzap, boys and girls. superjanel does not do well with heights. unless it's in airplanes or helicopters or other contained objects. like tall buildings. anyway. that picture? that's the grand massa showing me how to get down the side of a mountain. yeah, um, i don't do so well on mountains.

you know, if he wants the damn fishtanks that bad, he should just ask. it's a whole lot cleaner than taking me up a damn mountain and watching my stupid ass fall off.

ugh.

i never should have written a will.

so much for lent. i gave that up this evening. i wish there were perfect baseball-playing driver's ed teaching boys and roller rinks in dbq. unfortunately, all the boys are gay or taken and the roller rinks close at supper time. such is my life. so i took up again and finished this morning. it feels good. i'm back to myself and back to normal... ?... yeah, i'm not sure. :)

i talk too much when i'm drunk. i wish people listened less. thank god i didn't drink and dial.

i should go to bed. i have nightmares of mountain climbing and dreams of baseball players with fantasmical shoulders to tend to.

hope your night is as superb as mine has been...

love,
superfreakinnotsogreatatlentjanel

foggy nights and girl scout cookies

because i was up at an unholy hour (for me, anyway), i'm treating myself to a special breakfast of girl scout cookies and apple juice. this is truly the breakfast of champions. my day will be fantasmical because of this, i'm sure. :)

gran massa was driving to dsm this morning after oversleeping and apparently had no one to talk to so he called and woke me up at 0701, which means that he purposely waited until the clock rolled over 0700 so as not to be considered rude. and that's fine, i really don't mind. seeing 0700 is prolly good for me - not on a regular basis, but every now and then.

i think it's funny, because when i'm driving, i do the same thing. i play that game with myself, 'how long can i hold out and not talk to anyone?' and generally it's not very long because i can't stand the sound of silence, i can't bear the sound of nothingness. i require noise all day, every day. even at night. i sleep with a fan on, year round, because i like the air and i like the whirring noise. and my fishtank has been wonderful in that aspect, although every now and then i have that dream where i've peed the bed and i wake up all stressed and worried and in fact i haven't peed the bed, it's just the sound of water gurgling in the fishtank.

last night on my way home it was incredibly foggy, the kind of fog where you can't see anything in front of your headlights and everything just disappears behind you. it's an eerie feeling, driving in conditions like that, but i kind of like it. i feel as though i'm the only person on the road, i'm the only person to ever drive that stretch of road and perhaps it's being created just a few feet at a time, in front of me, as i drive along. in fog like that i lose all sense of direction and everything just feels like a giant straight line - i can't sense hills and valleys, i can't feel lows and highs. it's like a censored version of my drive home, where everything distinguishing has been removed. it's a lonely drive in good weather, but something about fog makes the loneliness seem more urgent, more desperate, more sad.

so i still barrelled along at 75 mph + and dared any law enforcement agent to find me, let alone stop me.

i wish i didn't have to work today. i'd like to be home; roberto is playing in a basketball tournament with people from job #2, including the godfather. i missed this same tournament last year and i'm a little bummed that i'm missing it again. roberto even invited me, which he never does, and that means that he really wanted me to be there. :(

oh wow. i just took a quiz. look at this...

You'll die in a Car Accident.

You are very sociable, talking on your cell when you should be paying attention to the road. Sadly, cell phones will claim yet another life...

'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com

omg. how do they know that?

okay. things to do. i'll be back.

love, superineedanapjanel

congratulations, universe... you win.

i'm having one of those days. you know, where it's like every sentence is taken out of context and nothing comes out right. i've been an absolute bitch for the last week and i'm not sure why. i can't think of any one person that i've been nice to, except maybe my mom, and if i were a snarky bitch to her she'd take me out of this world, since she brought me into it and all.

she's said that line since i was old enough to listen. 'i brought you into this world and i can take you out of it.' i've heard other people say it since then and it just cracks me up... i mean, other people don't say it to me, necessarily, but i hear them say it to their kids, and it makes me laugh.

the really sad thing is my mood is better today, or at least it is right now. i'm feeling better, even though my stomach is not. i'm not hungry, and i haven't been for days. part of this is stress. much is going on now, and much i'd rather not talk about, so i won't.

a couple of good things did happen today. today was the beginning of the ncaa tournament. i love bracket season. i have brackets all over the place; so many that i can't remember my logins to most of them; the one that i can remember isn't doing so well; i'm currently in 219,199th position and that just cracks me up. it's been decided that the medal for this position is either made of tin foil or nerf foam. (i'm voting for nerf foam. that stuff is awesome. all bendy and shape shifting and just plain awesome.)

i went and saw my family today. i've been missing out on human contact lately. human contact and common sense. i miss my brother, why, i'm not sure, because he's a dickhead, but he cracks me up. he's moving to an apartment on the third floor of this new building so he can look at this beautiful shit creek/culvert thing and he's excited about it. i don't know if it's dawned on him yet that it's on the third floorand that's three flights of stairs. he doesn't have any heavy furniture. that's a plus. he just has exercise equipment and weights. sucker... he's not really a dickhead, not generally, he just acts like one (he just plays one on tv).

i heard from i-know-who today. (ha ha... i know who and you don't!) i think he was just attempting to play my game with me. little does he know that i don't really have a game, my game is just called being an absolute fucking genius and there is no way he will ever win at that in spite of his best efforts. however, i will continue to allow him to amuse me until such time as i tire of his efforts and/or i travel to meet this person face to face and i decide that he is not tall as i think he should be or his ties just don't do it for me since he doesn't have floppy hair and he doesn't have an accent, even though he rightfully could have an accent and chooses not to. is there anything else i'd like to say about that? just two things, really. damn you duke and illinois, don't fail me now!

i'm tired now. i think i may go to bed. i have to be up early so i can look supercute (yes, that is a word. google that shit.) and attempt to fool my doctor into thinking i'm superwell and can go to work and retain my job so i can have a paycheck so i can pay my rent and start being a non-money-grubbing member of society.

i'll let you know how that works out.

toodles.

ps - does anyone know when the office is coming out of reruns? it's enough to make a girl pick up drinking again. thank god lent ends in like 18 days. that's going to be a great friday. :D

obviously, you're not a golfer.

i woke up this morning to the sound of running water. not the usual fishtank sound, because i wasn't at home. i stayed in the dutch village last night and i slept on roberto's hideous, yet oddly comfortable seafoam green sofa. no, this morning, i woke up to the running of the toilet. (not at all similar to the running of the bulls.) apparently it ran all night long. so as soon as i got up and peed and flushed, his landlord came running down the steps to see if she could wake him up to check on his toilet. and she did. she checked on his toilet and overtook his bathroom. i was lucky i got to brush my teeth before i left for job #2. she's scary. i'd want to move too if i were him. nothing like a big scary wannabe bull-dyke in sweatpants at your door bright and early before you can put in your contacts. yikes.

job #2. it's back to being job #2 again. that's kind of nice. now if i could only get paid, not by job #2, but just in general. but that seems to go hand in hand with working and i guess i need to do more of that before they want to give me a paycheck.

dad. my dad got out of the hospital today. he's home now. test results came back inconclusive, which is sort of what he expected. he says he's feeling a little better, not quite as woozy. he's eating, drinking, walking, talking - full range of motion. i feel better about this, i just wish he didn't live so far out in bfe and so far away from civilization and his hospital.

gram. my gram's not doing so well. she has to have survery again tomorrow, i'm not sure what time, to repair the artery and the surrounding muscle. again. she's been so severely mistreated by the doctor, he's refused to see her on several occasions, which i think is completely asinine. she looked perfectly awful last night, it just makes me sad. i worry about her.

as far as my bar fight... i called the edbq pd this evening and spoke with the officer handling my case. justine has two more days to return the officer's voicemails and then the case goes to the illinois state attorney without any sort of statement from him, which is just another plus in my column. aggravated battery in the state of illinois is a class 3 felony, which is punishable by a fine up to 25,000$ and 2 to 5 years in a state penitentary.

sucks to be him. hehehe...

what else? we're smack dab in the middle of lent, boys and girls. and even though i'm not a practicing catholic (hell, technically, i'm not even catholic - yet), i'm observing lent this year. so what have i given up for 40 days and 40 nights? drinking. and maybe arbys, i'm not sure. but definitely drinking. so i have 36 more days of this. lent doesn't include sundays (sonsabitches!) and ends on maundy thursday, which is the day before good friday. i'm going to have a maundy thursday and a great friday. :D

but not now, because now i'm going to bed.

i'm tired.

i'm looking in on the good life...

i hate hospitals. they reek of illness and death. any happiness found in a hospital is confined to a small corner of a single floor; babies and new life are kept hidden away from the general public. instead visitors are welcomed by the overwhelming stench of end-of-life services and dying flowers, sadness and stale coffee. no one ever leaves a hospital looking happy.

i hate hospitals. did i mention that?

today i drove. i drove from dubuque to iowa city (84 miles). i drove from iowa city to des moines (114 miles). i drove from des moines to pella (46 miles). but all that driving calmed my nerves temporarily. here's what i learned:

• dad: my dad has improved 110 percent from his condition yesterday. he is mobile (somewhat) and while his vision is a little blurry, he can speak and function at an almost normal level. he's eating and drinking on a regular schedule. no more morphine. tests were conducted today and with any luck will be released tomorrow to go home. yay!
• grandma: my grandma is not doing so well. her incision is still bleeding, but not as severely. she looks incredibly pale and small and is not keeping food down; she's not even keeping fluids or meds down. she's fighting an obscure staph infection and is facing a six week regimen of daily intravenous antibiotics. they hope she'll be able to go home by friday but this isn't definite.

so. while nothing is wrong with me right now, you never know when something could happen. so i want to lay out some very basic instructions and information for those that will/would take care of the arrangements and distribution of the few things i actually own.

i'm not being morbid, i'm just being prepared.

okay, arrangements. i don't want to be buried. i want to be cremated. but i don't want to be placed in an urn. big lebowski-style, let me go over the ocean over the lava rock at la perouse bay on the island of maui. i don't want a big flowery funeral. and if anyone gets one of those big ugly flower arrangements with the big ribbon that says, "granddaughter" or "friend" i will hunt them down and haunt them for the rest of their days. i hate that shit.

i have specific music i want played.

• the verve: bittersweet symphony
• green day: good riddance
• moby: porcelain
• death cab for cutie: i will follow you into the dark
• the shins: new slang
• radiohead: fake plastic trees
• smashing pumpkins: in the arms of sleep

i don't want anything weepy; if it cannot be a celebration, i don't want anything at all. i hate formal, i hate pompous, i hate traditional. buck the system and get a fucking keg. i mean it.

as far as divvying up what little i own, i want this specifically followed. there are no exceptions to this. no swapping, no white elephant.

• mom: i want my mom to have my giraffe swatch watch and all my books (except for the one i want alex to have) and my book case.
• craig: i want craig to have all my dvds and cds because he doesn't possess enough random pop culture knowledge as it is. craig can also have all my t-shirts because chances are if it's at all cool it was prolly his to begin with.
  
• jorge: i want jorge to have my computer and ipod, because he doesn't have one and thinks he doesn't need one. if he had one he'd love it.
  
• steph: i want steph to have all my jewelry. steph honestly loves pretty things.
  
• mark: i want mark to have my entertainment center and television. he can keep them or burn them or whatever he wants to do with them. he deserves them for every time he's moved them.
• alex: i have a book called the 'little prince' that i want her to have. i also want her to have my swatches (except for the one with the frog on it, i think her mom should have that one) and my tickle bunnies, because i know she understands how important they are.
  
• brent: i want my roommate to have my cats and my fish and my ugly fishtank and my playstation. but you have to promise to take both kitties, not just the gay one.
  
• misty: i want misty to have my cell phone(s) and my beanie babies. lol.
  
• eddy: i want to leave eddy my car and all my debt because he's not yet fully my ex (at least at the time of this publication... hehehe...)
• everything else... that stuff isn't important. i don't really care. i've named all the important stuff. but i retain the right to alter this document at any time.

i feel better getting this out.

i had the strangest dream last night. i dreamt that the gran massa and schmalex were standing in the kitchen with all the cheese i've purchased lately spread out on the counter, holding knives and eating as fast as they could. i wanted cheese so bad but they wouldn't let me have any. the gran massa was laughing maniacally and schmalex wasn't being mean, she just looked sad. according to this site, cheese symbolizes gains and profits. so the gran massa and my cousin are eating my gains and profits. sonsabitches.

next week is winter break at school. another week when i don't have class. but that means that no one else has class either. yay!

tonight i'm holed up in the dutch village with the blanket that really should be mine. if i get up early enough i might just take it with me but i fear the family backlash i may incur. i don't know if it's worth it because apparently my brother, in addition to having no body fat, also has no blankets.

i'm going to bed.

gnite lovelies.
love, superfreakinoverlypreparedforthewrongthingsjanel

tickle is all that remains.

family stuff. lots and lots of family stuff. i like to pretend that i'm above stuff like this bothering me and lots of times i choose not to talk/think/act about it. but today is heavy and i can't get it off my mind.

not in order of importance; this is order of events...

best gram. my grandma is important to me. she likes to say that she doesn't know that that's true anymore, but she knows otherwise. sometimes life gets in the way. one of my all time best memories ever is the summer i spent with my grandma and grandpa when i was 8 years old. i spent an entire summer as an only child, which at the time was all i ever wanted. we had the best time. everyday we would do something fun, even if it was just me going to work with her and i would draw and use the adding machine and sit behind the desk while she and grandpa worked. it was the best. and then i remember crying when i had to leave and for days afterward, i missed her so much. when i got older she sort of became the liason between my mom and i when things got ... rough. one of my favorite stories about my gram is from when i was about 10 or 11, and she was making grilled cheese for my grandpa and i one night after he got home. and all i did was make the comment, 'you guys eat a lot of grilled cheese.' and she got so mad, she threw mine away and i didn't get any. i wasn't being mean or snarky or anything, i was simply making an observation. and i still didn't get any dinner. i don't think i laughed about it then. but i laugh about it now.

my gram's in the hospital. she's not doing well. infections and bleeding. in my mind, she'll always be 58, healthy, happy. and too young for any of this.

my father. my dad and i have a special relationship. sometimes it doesn't even feel like a relationship, it's more of a respect. he doesn't interfere in my life, he hasn't since i was 12 and he decided that there were things more important to him than his family. i spent many of my teen years angry with he and his new wife for many reasons; i spent several more feeling that they owed me something. and then one day, it just sort of hit me. anger and hatred took far more energy that i was willing to expend on them and that situation. and i stopped. i accepted it for what it was: something i couldn't change. and so this has how it's been. my father kind of stopped being a father and started being a friend. a fully-grown but juvenile acting friend. and i accept him for what he is and for what he's not, faults and strengths and all, and i love him in spite of it. and i know that somewhere in that mixed up list of priorities, his kids are in there towards the top and i appreciate that. i know he loves me. and that's what matters.

my dad had another stoke today. he was unconscious for several hours. he had to be lifeflighted to iowa city. he's stable but the full extent of the damage isn't yet known. he's only 57.

i'm not ready for this yet. i'm not ready for any of this yet. i'm 27 years old and in some ways i've been blessed that i've lost very few of the important people around me. i'm not ready for that to change.

hi, i live in the real world.

you know those people, the ones that look like they have it all together: life is going well, career is going well, personally they've got their shit together. maybe they're in a relationship and they're happy, and maybe they're single and seem to enjoy it. family and home life is good. no money issues. tons of friends and things to do. everybody knows these people. except the thing is - these people don't really exist.

these people are a farce. sure. some people may *seem* to have all that going on, but i've never really met anyone that had everything together, on the same page at the same time. it's like it's not possible. it's like no one can really have that life, or at least life that well.

people are really good at putting on that face. the one that allows people to see only what they want others to see. that's why we think that everyone else's life is so great and so wonderful. it's not necessarily a lie, but it's sort of a lie by omission, which is still a lie in definition.

for example. i give really good advice. people come to me and tell me things that a) i have no business knowing and b) i really don't care about but c) they seek my opinion on because d) i project the image that my life is somehow more goal-oriented and clear than it really is. people seem to think that i know what i'm doing and where i'm going when in reality i get up most mornings and it's a big guessing game. i just don't let on to the general public that this is what's going on in my head.

i'm not being egotistical. that's just how it happens. all the time.

so like today, when i'm confronted with a situation where the person that i think has it all together doesn't know what to do - i'm just shocked. it doesn't make the advice that person has given me shallow or any less meaningful; it doesn't make the person any less of a person. it just shocks me that a person that projects this image can feel this way.

even though i know that the image projected is just a hologram of a person she wants people to think she is.

so after that, i have to wonder, i wonder what the people who've seen me break down, who've seen me in the middle of all of this... melodramatic hullabaloo... what do they think?

and then i feel bad because not everthing is about me.

it's a fine line between stupid and crazy

there are few calm days here. with the introduction of the gong into the household, one can only assume that there will be fewer days of calm and more days of mass calamity as the gran massa champ has made a pact (with whom, i'm not sure) to bang the gong each morning at 0704, providing that the temperature inside the house is above freezing. i didn't get up until about 0930 this morning, so it must have been pretty cold.

now a logical person would ask, who brought home a gong and why? and generally, i would say, you're correct, that *is* a logical question and thanks for asking. but here, in the house with rubber walls, there are no logical questions and truly, you should know better than to ask. but i'll answer. yesterday was gran massa's birthday. he's officially entered the land of the upper-twenties and there's no turning back. beyond that, he's kind of having a shitty week, month, what have you and i felt the need to attempt to cheer him up. so when the brothers and i went to target to look for a yard gnome i actually left with a house gong instead.

it is the coolest thing ever. it's one of those things you almost want to buy for yourself but feel stupid doing so, so instead you buy it for someone else that you spend a lot of time with so you can use it too. :) i know, i rock, right? right on.

yesterday i had belated bday lunch with roberto and jorge. i miss them. i'm not that far away but we all have lives to lead and that makes it hard. they totally make me laugh. i had such a good time. we ate lunch and played bongos and gongs and discussed how no one really needs five pounds of valentine candy but no one really wants to turn it away and looked at shoes. we all have an unhealthy shoe addiction; apparently it's genetic.

today i got the results of my fantasy baseball draft. it wasn't bad. i have some tweaks to make but overall i'm pretty pleased. i cannot wait for the beginning of baseball season - it's like it officially marks the beginning of spring and warm days, green grass and allergies, hot dogs and beer. even if it is 20 degrees and snowing at wrigley field. we're only 42 days out, kiddos. that's wonderful.

work. i start work next friday in cid. i have a job. yay me. yay for dollars. because right now, i don't have any. and you know what i'm most excited about? it's not the actual work or travel benefits or interaction with people or anything like that. nope. my boss is fucking hot. OMG. and that one thing that i was sort of worried about, that one thing, with that one guy from that one time? yeah. no worries. not a concern. i so rock.

what else? today i had to take the gran massa champ to the hospital because his toes were numb and white and ice cold. he thought maybe he was having a stroke until the lady at the admissions desk at the er told him how much an er visit cost and then he realised what a stroke really felt like. cuz after that he apparently got well enough to walk out and recover in the car on the way to lunch as he swore about the cost of healthcare and the lack of compassion given by those in the healthcare industry. it would have been kind of funny except his toes were really gross looking. i pulled one of dr. friedgood's tricks and got out the pin and stuck him in the toe. it wasn't nearly as fun as i thought it might be.

ummm... oh yeah. i'm on a drinking sabbatical. i'm pretty sure it's only temporary, until i get a good invitation. but it sounds good.

i think that's it for now. i'm going to go watch the office and check the radar. it's snowing again (surprise fucking surprise) - it only snows when i have somewhere to be in the morning, you know it? ugh.

happy thoughts. 42 days 'til baseball season. spring training. kyle farnsworth. oh my... :D

wah, wah, wah... bundt pan

sometimes mixing friends and family is bad. i mean, i've heard people talk about how their parents hate their friends or vice versa and any interaction ends in verbal warfare or bloodshed. see, i've never really had that experience. well, not since the sixth grade the time my grandma attacked alyssa king with a lint roller because the chick was covered in cat hair and gram wasn't about to let her sit at the dinner table looking all hairy and gorilla like. but anyway. i've never really had that experience. my friends all love my mother. they always say things like, 'i wish my own mom could be like that.' and i'm all, 'like what?' and they all say the same thing here: 'i don't know. like that.'

friday, yesterday, momma and markus came up to see my new abode (a word that makes me think of alyssa king...always) and school and city and me and celebrate the fact that i am thirty minus three. they took me and the grand massa champ to dinner at a local mexican eatery. i guess to understand things fully, you're going to need a little bit of background. let me give you a 13-second update, just to get you all sorts of caught up. one: the gran massa champ is gay. we're all aware of this; this is not anything new. two: markus believes that he is cute enough that not only gay men want him, but all straight men do too. three: markus has a very quick wit, a sharp tongue. people either get him right off the bat or they never understand him. mumbling doesn't help. so, these factors plus margaritas make for an interesting evening.

you know, i don't even remember how the actual exchange started. i don't even know where it came from. but it ended with the gran massa asking markus to go camping. and i've known markus for almost 15 years. but the look on his face was priceless - not to mention the fact that his steak fajita just about fell out of his mouth (which if you know markus at all - that never happens). his quick-witted comeback, after about 15 seconds?

'i saw deliverance.'

i have never laughed so hard in my entire life. this was funnier than anything i have ever seen. i choked on chips and salsa and margarita and snotted on my coat and my drink and my shirt. i was in tears. OMG.

so. what else is new? i am addicted to lily allen, almost in a bad way. she's adorable. i want to talk out of the side of my mouth and say men'al health. fun.



i bought a new fishtank. it was a steal of a deal. ha. i got two new fish, too. bernadette and otto. i can't decide if bernadette is dead or just lazy. she's a celestial eye goldfish, and she was lazy in the tank at the fish store, but there was a bit of an accident with the fish on the way home. i'm okay, uugof's okay, but i had to brake really fast to avoid hitting this dumb bitch from (of all places) WISCONSIN (i swear those people can't drive) in a white grand prix and the fish bag slid off the passenger seat and on to the floor at sixty miles an hour. fish don't have airbags and i didn't think to use their seatbelt. i know. i'm a bad fish mom. :( so i don't know. i'll give her a few more hours and then go poking around and see if she's dead. but yesterday i thought she was a blackhawk down and then she just perked up. so i don't know. my first fish death will traumatic, i'm sure.

last night i got up at the ASS CRACK of dawn - fuck, it wasn't even dawn, it was the middle of the fucking night - to drive the roommate to work. now you're probably saying, 'that was nice, why are you complaining? that couldn't have taken that long.' well, you don't even know so shut up and let me finish. the gran massa champ doesn't work in this city. he doesn't even work in this county. he works 8 counties away - he works in dsm. that's a three hour drive. (...just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip...that started from this tropic port, aboard this tiny ship...). i got back into town in time to eat breakfast with momma and markus (where no food fell out of his mouth) and then i went to bed at like 1100 and didn't get up until 1800. i'm not going to sleep tonight. which is too bad. that also means that i didn't make it to the laundromat - and i'm not going at night because that place is scary enough during the day. so i'll have to find other things to do tonight.

okay. i'm bored. peas out for now.
love, superfreakinwhydon'twehaveanym&msjanel

it was kathy bates for me.

this is the house that beetlejuice built. the doors all have two inch gaps underneath, at some point, it's two and a half inches, at some points it's three. all the doorways are cockeyed, making it impossible to move a sofa. i'm not sure what happened here, perhaps half of the house sank. i don't think we live on top of a sinkhole but i guess it's likely. i always heard that illinois was susceptible to sinkholes but i didn't see any in the neighborhood. just like the level of crime, i don't think that's something our landlord would tell us about.

anyway - the gaps under the doors. there are gaps under all the doors, bathroom doors included. now you have to know that the cats find closed doors quite offensive - they don't like it when you shut them out of anything. so this morning, and every morning and every time i'm in the bathroom i shut the door (you're welcome), and every time, i'm greeted to cat paws and cat faces in the gap under the door. it cracks me up. big kitty isn't small enough to wedge his entire head in the gap, but he can reach pretty far. lil kitty can squeeze about half her body under the door before she gets stuck and i have to rescue her. she's retarded. this was my early (0900) morning comedy.

yesterday was new fish day. her name was harriet but she kind of looks like a pirate so i changed her name to petey. a girl named petey, i know, i'm stupid. whatever. shit, they're prolly all girls. she's a little hyper for this teenie-weenie tank. she annoys adolf and roger with her childish antics. that's why i like her. i'm going to have to spend my birthday dollars on a new fish home. which means that i can have another fish for my lil fishie tank. yay me. :D

the music in the house is getting more light hearted. are things looking up? maybe.

my mom wrote the most amazing blog about me. it made me cry. but in a good way. they're coming up for dinner and stuff on friday. i need to clean. i'm the only one in the house that's able. lol.

what am i going to do today? i have no idea. i'm waiting on the ups man. he's bringing me a box from my father. i need to go to the post office and do some other dumb stuff.

busy now. toodles, lovelies.

i can categorically say you are not a bigger bananahead.

my brother's couch was comfortable but nothing is as comfortable as my bed. i love my bed. i love my comforter and my sheets and my pillows and my blankets. my cats are currently making me crazy but i think that's because they missed me and they had to spend time with the roommate if they wanted any human attention. not that that's such a bad thing, but he plays a little rough with the kitties - he's a dog person more than a cat person and he sort of freaks them out. ha. some days he sort of freaks me out, no lie. but whatever.

only three days until i'm officially thirty minus three. icky. i love birthdays but i think they were more fun when i was a kid and they involved lots of cake and ice cream and slumber parties and roller rinks and board games and horror movies and truth or dare and 11 screaming girls in the basement of my house and my mom threatening to use benadryl to shut us up if we didn't go to sleep. now, birthdays are just friends that want to take me out and feed me drinks, which is not birthday specific but not necessarily unappreciated. but since 99.9 percent of my friends live hours from me, i have to figure out how to get my stupid ass back home or find a place to sleep it off. and then it just becomes a chore. so this week i'm considering traveling - as my benefits have not been taken away just yet - to see a couple of friends doing tdy. so we can all drink until we're retarded in a new city and then crash at the hotel. that sounds like birthday fun to me. :)

as long as i'm back early enough on friday to clean house and prepare for my parents weekend visit. i don't think roommate is much in the cleaning department. or the unpacking department. i'm tired of looking at boxes. i'm going to put all his unpacked boxes on his bed today. that will be fun. hehehe...

i wish itunes would ask me a couple more times if i'm really sure i want to purchase a song before they download it for me. right now, they ask, 'are you sure?' and that's it. when i say yes, it's all, BANG. download city. i want them to say, 'are you really sure?' and then 'are you really, really sure?' and then 'are you really fucking sure?' because this week i spent an awful amount of dollars on itunes and i didn't even realise i was doing it because it's just too easy. yes, click, yes, click, yes, click. OMG. i spent how much? and they don't take returns.

things to do. i've been putting off homework for like two weeks now. old habits die hard.

if you don't chew big red then fuck you

now i know that drinking until i'm stupid is hereditary. i feel better about my ignorance. omg, my fucking toe hurts. i look like i have a sausage attached to my foot where my pinky toe used to be. i'd take a picture but i can't find my camera and there's cheese all over the floor. there was cheese in my hair. gross.

this is my new favorite daily show clip...





i'm hungry. more later.