get in the kitchen and make me a pot pie.

work is slow. painfully slow. i mean, there is literally nothing to do on my "to-do" list. and while generally i think that's pretty awesome, i am ready to pull my hair out today. i have done absolutely nothing. accomplished nothing. and you know what's on the agenda for tomorrow? nothing. i'm considering bringing a book to read while i'm at work; it is that freaking slow. too bad we don't have a washing machine here; i'd bring my laundry. "yup, we have great availability of 2008 gmc sierras - oh! hold on, that was the dryer. i need to fold my underwear..." but just one more day and then i'm off (from job #1) for four whole days. i am working at job #2, but that hardly seems like work.

this weekend is the bee's birthday. guess how old he's going to be? 23. that cracks me up. i'm a little excited that for about five weeks, i won't be five years older than him and then i won't feel like such a pederass, walter. but this weekend is his birthday and he won't tell me if he wants anything or if he wants to do anything... he's sort of being a pain in the butt about it, truth be told. and yet, if i don't do something or if i don't get him anything, i'm sure i'll never hear the end of it. "you don't love me, you didn't do anything for my birthday, wahh, wahh, wahh..." so i don't know. anyone have any suggestions?

how was your christmas? mine was wonderful, once the bee and i stopped arguing. we had a knock-down, drag-out fight on christmas adam (the day before christmas eve) and he ended up spending the day with his family alone and i ended up wrapping presents at my mom's. i hate arguing with him; he throws these really wonderful tantrums that just make my blood boil. but i'm sure i'm no picnic. anyway, we resolved our differences in the name of christmas spirit and fuel economy.

we spent christmas eve with my family. my gifts to others seemed paltry in comparison to years past and that made me feel a little bad (i mean, come on - i even regifted one present and i never do that!), even though everyone seemed pleased. its just one of those holidays where it seems no matter what i do, i always want to do more. and this year it just was not possible.

once again, and in spite of tremendous physical pain, my mom remembered all the weird little things i said i wanted throughout the year. i got the postsecret books, which i've wanted forever, and i got new pans (which we desperately needed) and i got really-not-so-awesome pg lady clothes. not that the clothes aren't awesome, it's just not awesome that i'm going to be as big as a grain silo in a few months. i'm not really looking forward to that at all. but the clothes are cute and i'm aware that they are a necessary evil. OH! and we got teeny weeny little baby slippers with ducks on them, and hats and blankets. too freaking cute.

we spent christmas eve night and christmas morning with his family. they're weird but mostly loveable. his mom hugged me before we left and said she loved me and wants me to be sure that i came around on a regular basis. it made me cry. i like his mom; she seems to be a good person and for the most part rational. his family seems pretty accepting of the situation; i got a good ribbing from most of them and things seemed okay. and now i feel a bazillion times better about that situation.

christmas day afternoon we spent with my father and his wife. it was phenomenal. (this is me, being sarcastic.) i had to bribe the bee to eat (and if you know the bee, that is really saying something. that boy never turns down food, ever.) for christmas day dinner with my dad and stepmom, we had overcooked ham, undercooked potatoes and mush that used to be mixed vegetables. i ate a lot of rolls. and then we left, because it was starting to smell like a bar, with all the cigarette smoke in an 8 by 10 room. blecch...

i was happy to be home on christmas night, away from people and just quiet. but the bee was restless and so we ended up at prairie meadows. on christmas day, of all things - can you imagine? that place was packed, which i found sort of shocking: why weren't these people home with their families? and then i realized they were kind of like me, probly just happy to have christmas over with and blowing off steam. and gambling away their christmas money. (i didn't do that, by the way, i didn't have any money. so i spent the bee's money. :) ) but it was okay. i'm honestly just happy that christmas is over; there's so much build up for it.

although, i have to admit, i prefer the christmas commercials that are no longer running to the political commercials that have taken their place. good god. i've considered caucusing but all the candidates are so unrelenting and catty - i can't imagine what it would be like to be surrounded by hundreds of their followers in a small room. blecch. besides, have you ever read about the actual caucus process? with all due respect, it's pretty fucking gay. nobody puts this baby in the corner; not for hillary or obama or edwards or anyone. thanks but no thanks, i'll just stay home and watch the results on tv. because for a week afterward, that is all that will be on tv.

i have a terrible cold; have i mentioned that? i know i mentioned that i've accomplished nothing today. that's sort of untrue if you consider coughing, sneezing, blowing and sniffling something. because i've done a lot of that. and the really fun part? are you ready for this? sometimes when i sneeze i feel like i'm going to pee my pants. that must be part of this whole baby thing, because i'm normally not a pants pisser. that sort of sucks. you know what else sucks? morning sickness. that really sucks. because i don't like to puke before i even get out of bed. the bee has to bring me a bucket before i can even roll over. that's like number one on my list of not-awesome things today.

ugh. just a few more minutes and then i get to go home. i'm hungry. what's for dinner? who's cooking? not me. and not the bee, he's out with friends. maybe i'll make fish sticks. or maybe i'll make grilled cheese, that sounds good. you know what i can't get enough of lately? sunkist orange soda. no caffiene, but plenty of sugar, i'm sure. i like to fool myself into thinking that if it tastes like orange it must be good for me. lol... okay. i'm off.

love,
superjanel

popeye's chicken is fucking awesome.

this is the grossest thing i've seen in a long time. therefore, i must share.

this last weekend before the gran massa and i came back to dbq, we stopped at popeye's on merle hay road in dsm. because their chicken really is fucking awesome. we bought a dozen biscuits to take home, because they are that good.

that was sunday, mid-day.

this is tuesday. this morning i got up and was going to eat a biscuit, but they were gross. so i threw mine away. when i got home this afternoon from errands and gran massa-driving-around, i wadded up some trash and cleaned off the counter with 409 and a paper towel and but it in the box of biscuits - there were two or three left - and put the entire mess in the trash.

you think when you put something in the trash that it's sort of gone and you don't have to worry about it anymore? i would but i have been proven wrong.

because the gran massa picked through the trash to get to the biscuits to EAT them.

how gross is that?

his defense? 'i was hungry for a biscuit.'

ewww...

i'm sort of hungry for coleslaw.

(there's no joke there, it's just true.)

i hate cabbage in all forms except for coleslaw. and i'm pretty picky about the coleslaw i'll eat. like kfc? no freakin' way. that crap comes in 10 gallon buckets. but like homemade slaw they serve in country bumpkin restaraunts - yeah, that shit is yummy.

and i want some. i need to find someone to go eat coleslaw with me.

any takers?

yesterday was a good day. i attended both of my appointments and left feeling hopeful. the first was nothing more than paperwork and getting ready for the actual appointment - which will come in about two weeks - but it's almost like a weight was taken off my shoulders just admitting that there may be an issue there, you know? i feel better just getting it all out in the open. and i supposed that's part of resolution, but it's not one that i'm good at, generally speaking.

so yesterday was good.

yesterday was also practice night at the hallowed half mile. i know, i know, i hated it when i was with you - but there's something so familiar about the place and the people and the atmosphere (and that fucking smell, i can't get that out of my head) that i had to go back and see it just once more. i saw and talked to people i knew and i even dragged along the gran massa - and i still felt very alone in attending. it was a strange feeling. i don't know if i'll go back. perhaps that trip will have cured me.

but i doubt it.

see, i don't want to be one of those discarded people that are shunned from the scene. and i don't want to be a groupie. i don't really know what the purpose of the visit was except that it felt very normal.

and i'm seeking normalcy in any form right now.

i will tell you that i enjoyed it. the sights, the sounds, the smells (omg, the smell) - it just seemed right.

today, i'm posting from the raging metropolis of corydon. i'm home with the folks. while strange there is a tinge of normal to this as well. tomorrow night i'll return to dbq and regular life, but i needed a break, time to breathe, time to think.

for now i'm going to head up to the garage and see what's shakin'. there may be ice cream in my future this afternoon, i'm not sure.

does drinking dr. pepper make you a doctor? i don't think so!

there is no food in the house and i am hungry. don't go thinking i'm a hog because the food is gone, either - i'm not the one who ate it all. nope. the gran massa ate all the food in the house. all of it. gone. empty. no more. nada. this morning, i was like, okay, i'm out of milk so i'll have one of those granola bars i stuck in the way far back of the cabinet. nope. those are gone too. bastard ate my granola bars! ugh. so tonight i eat cheese. it's either cheese or ucky leftover taco pizza.

maybe i'll start fasting, i'm not sure.

so i'm sort of happy about the fact that this trip to ric didn't pan out this week. lil star is being released from the hospital and she wants me to be there to see her. if i'd been in ric i wouldn't have been able to go - not that i would have ever made to ric, they're getting like feet of rain and floods and hail and locusts and headless horsemen. yup, it's apocolypsing on the east coast, didn't you hear? and would you like to know why? it has nothing to do with sinners - it's because i had a trip planned and god didn't get the memo that i wasn't really going in time to call the whole thing off. sorry east coast. next time i'll try to go somewhere else or at least keep my plans to myself until the very last minute. otherwise you're likely to fall off the edge of the country and become your own little nation because there will prolly be a giant earthquake or something equally awful, like the nationals will win a world series or something.

and that's no gouda.

but this is gouda. i wish i had some gouda. and some apples. and some bread. and some milk. holy crap i'm hungry.

okay, fellow bloggers - i'm curious. is this word verification crap that blogger is putting me through pissing off anyone else or am i the only one? because i'm seriously honked about it and i'm considering giving blogger the official janel heave-ho. i guess i understand the whole concept of word verification but this is what upsets me: they're not words and i can never read them. like right now, the word verification word is "jhundfs." yeah, i'm smart. i know THAT'S NOT A WORD. wtf? and to top it all off, i can never read those stupid things anyway. so it takes me like seven tries just to get my post actually posted. gahhh. stupid blogger. how does that import thing work over at wordpress, anyway? anyone care to tell me? i'm taking it under consideration.

so. boys are also honking me off this evening. and not in a good way, if there even is a good way to be honked. i guess it's possible that with all the apocolypsing out there on the coast that baxter got flooded out of his home or eaten by a giant locust or galloped over by a headless horseman. but i'm putting my money on the idea that his phone just stopped dialing out, for whatever reason. now i know what you're thinking - superjanel, we've been through this before and phones work both ways - like a two way street, you know, it goes both ways? well, not today it doesn't. and tomorrow it won't either. i was the last one to make the effort. now it's his turn.

game on.

so tomorrow i have to get up at the ass crack of dawn so i can go do laundry so i'm not driving naked to go see family. that's just not cool. i've been naked in enough vehicles lately to last me for awhile.

but anyway. i'm going to go gnaw on the entertainment center to take the edge off my appetite before i go to bed.

i've got nothing to do today but smile...

holy crap, batman. it's april. where did march go? it should come back, because i spaced off getting my tags renewed and now i'm officially driving on expired tags. now i have to drive like a normal person, at normal person speeds and pray that i don't get pulled over and if i do i have to play female and dumb. wtf?

so today, because i'm unable to get my lazy ass out of bed at a decent time and get ready for work, i was running around like crazy trying to get out the door on time. it didn't happen. so when i got in the car and hit the button for the garage door, i apparently didn't give it enough time to fully open. because i put ugoff in reverse and promptly ran right into door.

i am so cool.

yup. it made quite a clamor, which kind of made me laugh. the door continued up, i continued out, and i got out to assess the damage. my poor ugoff is short a few parts - i tend to think they're mostly cosmetic - which i found in the driveway. i even put one of them back on, that's how much i rock. and i played with the door and made sure that it goes up and down.

and it does. it kind of shimmies a little bit, but it's fine. so i got back in the car and threw it in reverse, because this whole driveway-cleaning-garage-door-assessing-ugoff-reassembling ordeal took about 10 minutes and i was already late from watching the weather channel because i heart the words thunderhead and low level moisture (shut up, i don't even want to hear it) - anyway, i threw it in reverse and backed my little buick ass right out of the driveway and into the path of an edbq police officer, who was patrolling the neighborhood for rampant ruffians, hopefully the ones who stole the shit out of the garage, the little bastards.

omg. i think that's all one sentence.

he slammed on his brakes, i slammed on my brakes. i got the finger wag and he flashed the cherries, so if the neighbors didn't already know that i'm retarded from watching me run into the garage door, they now know i'm an idiot from watching me almost hit a cop.

and all this happened before work even started.

oh. em. gee.

and think, my day only gets better from here.

i get to work and it's like, tornado-ing outside. it was great. so me and my compadres, the ones i like, anyway, all pile into an empty (metal) bag cart to watch the storm. wind, lightning, thunder - it was great. until we got blasted with a 70 mph wind gust that lifted all the leftover sand from last winter into the air. until today, i'd never experienced a sand storm. but it sucks. it sucks a lot. in fact, i'm still picking sand out of my freaking scalp. and then the sideways rain. and then the lightning so close it made all our hair stand on end and we sort of realized that we were sitting in a metal bag cart, and rubber wheels or not, we trucked our stupid butts indoors.

and left three planes full of people to sit. because we're not going to work flights with lightning in the area. it was great. two flights were supposed to be there, the third was an okc diversion, trying to get to ord. and the captain was a bitch ass bitch. and if i hear the phrase, 'i don't want to end up on the cover of usa today' anytime in the near future i'm going to freak out and punch a goddman baby, you hear me?

so our tornado-producing storms moved east, and sat in ord for hours which delayed our last fight and i got home at 0300. no april fools, sistas. that's the god's honest truth.

i love my job.

so. i'm feeling a little better now, getting that out.

now for the fun stuff.

baxter's voicemail cracks me up. the chick that gives me options (which is a rant in of itself, options on voicemail. i just want to leave a message. shut the hell up) i have named sheena. and she sounds hot. i talk to sheena a lot, almost as much as i talk to baxter, really...

i doubt he'll be accompanying me and the gran massa to the visit our neighbors to the north. i think he feels more responsibility towards his work/life than i do and therefore doesn't call in sick to do fun things. and that's cool. i've not known too many people like that, but i've heard they exist... they're a rare breed.

now me? i call in sick every chance i get. ooh, is that a twinge of a headache? yeah, um, mike, i'm not feeling so well. oops, i stubbed my toe. yeah, um, mike... except that this gm has a serious hard-on for perfect attendance. little does he know that i have never had perfect attendance anywhere, anytime. so he and his perfect attendance can suck my nut.

...if i had one.

but it'd sure be fun to have baxter along for the ride...

canada: that's like only 29 hours away. we better get there when it's light outside and i can see shit. if i get there and it's dark and looks like here when it's all dark, i'm going to be upset. because i can stay home and experience dark, damn it. this had better be exciting. i want to see something canadian. i don't know what. maybe tom green. isn't he canadian?

yessss.......

okay. i'm going to bed now. i have to work tomorrow. it's my friday! yahoo!

oh, if you're interested, i found the mango. it wasn't smooshy. and some socks, that i don't think were mine, that was a little weird.

no, literally. fruit flies.

last week, me and the roomie went to moline and ate free pizza. and then we bought fruit. four pieces of fruit. two star fruit and two mangoes. (mangoes? mangos? i think its mangoes... wtf. anyway...) when i brought said bag of fruit in the house, there were only three pieces of fruit.

i thought maybe the gran massa was hungry for a mango. whatever. i don't care.

i mean, they did look pretty good.

and everybody wants the mango, even j.lo. check that shit out. wait, that's not the right mango.

so i asked him. and he's all, nope, i may be a fruit, but i didn't eat any.

hmmm....

that means that there's a lone mango rolling around somewhere in my car.


so now i'm a little concerned. pretty soon, this mango isn't going to smell very good. it's going to get all smooshy and soft and like melt in my car (kind of like m&m's, which don't melt in your hand, but melt in your car, isn't that how the saying goes? no? well piss...) and then i'm going to have fruit flies.

in ugoff.

now i realize that i'm not an avid car washer/vacuumer/cleaner/accident-avoider (hehehe...), but i don't want a car full of fruit flies.

this is unacceptable, private pyle.

unacceptable.

i'm thinking i should call that cop from two weeks ago and be like, you found my white hot tizzies cd and my mom's beer bottle - can you do me a favor and find my missing fruit?

no? such is the mango...

foggy nights and girl scout cookies

because i was up at an unholy hour (for me, anyway), i'm treating myself to a special breakfast of girl scout cookies and apple juice. this is truly the breakfast of champions. my day will be fantasmical because of this, i'm sure. :)

gran massa was driving to dsm this morning after oversleeping and apparently had no one to talk to so he called and woke me up at 0701, which means that he purposely waited until the clock rolled over 0700 so as not to be considered rude. and that's fine, i really don't mind. seeing 0700 is prolly good for me - not on a regular basis, but every now and then.

i think it's funny, because when i'm driving, i do the same thing. i play that game with myself, 'how long can i hold out and not talk to anyone?' and generally it's not very long because i can't stand the sound of silence, i can't bear the sound of nothingness. i require noise all day, every day. even at night. i sleep with a fan on, year round, because i like the air and i like the whirring noise. and my fishtank has been wonderful in that aspect, although every now and then i have that dream where i've peed the bed and i wake up all stressed and worried and in fact i haven't peed the bed, it's just the sound of water gurgling in the fishtank.

last night on my way home it was incredibly foggy, the kind of fog where you can't see anything in front of your headlights and everything just disappears behind you. it's an eerie feeling, driving in conditions like that, but i kind of like it. i feel as though i'm the only person on the road, i'm the only person to ever drive that stretch of road and perhaps it's being created just a few feet at a time, in front of me, as i drive along. in fog like that i lose all sense of direction and everything just feels like a giant straight line - i can't sense hills and valleys, i can't feel lows and highs. it's like a censored version of my drive home, where everything distinguishing has been removed. it's a lonely drive in good weather, but something about fog makes the loneliness seem more urgent, more desperate, more sad.

so i still barrelled along at 75 mph + and dared any law enforcement agent to find me, let alone stop me.

i wish i didn't have to work today. i'd like to be home; roberto is playing in a basketball tournament with people from job #2, including the godfather. i missed this same tournament last year and i'm a little bummed that i'm missing it again. roberto even invited me, which he never does, and that means that he really wanted me to be there. :(

oh wow. i just took a quiz. look at this...

You'll die in a Car Accident.

You are very sociable, talking on your cell when you should be paying attention to the road. Sadly, cell phones will claim yet another life...

'How will you die?' at QuizGalaxy.com

omg. how do they know that?

okay. things to do. i'll be back.

love, superineedanapjanel

my corndog is on fire! woohoo!

i love corndogs. i prefer my corndogs to be served at the state fair with homemade root beer, surrounded by large, hairy, sweaty overgrown men and women in t-shirts bearing their east side pride while pulling their children around on leashes. but in a pinch, i'll heat up the corndogs from the box and eat to my little heart's content.

except tonight, the gran massa decided that he was going to eat the whole box. there were like 15 corndogs in there. (i'll save my analytical dissertation on the [un]nutrition of eating 15 corndogs for another post...) so if i was going to have a corndog this week, it was every girl for herself.

so i stuck them in the oven. and 20 minutes later they were done. YUM! corndogs and lots of catsup, and i'm a happy girl! :D

but five minutes after that, you'd think the freakin house was going to explode. the smoke detectors started going off because someone that made corndogs (who could that be?!) forgot to turn off the oven and there's like a seven pound wad of burnt cheese in the bottom of it (again, i don't know who would do such a thing...). i don't know whose idea it was to put dueling smoke detectors in the living room, but one was always two beats behind the other and it was making me nuts. i like even my chaos to be orderly...

but that's not the point.

how do you think the gran massa gets a smoke detector to stop beeping?

take out the batteries? knock the thing off the ceiling? air out the oven and hope for the best?

nope.

in our house, we find it best to stand directly under the beeping smoke detector and blow on them as hard as possible.

around here, the fun never, ever stops. because we are retarded.

love, supersortofretardedandfullofcorndogsjanel

...and then one day, israeli intelligence comes to the door.

i am jacked up on cold medicine and mt. dew. i will not sleep for days. i am a rockstar. i am invincible. i will come at you like a spider monkey. i am going to see how many episodes of the office i can watch in a row. and then i will watch the entire godfather series. and then i don't know what will do. maybe by then the post office will be open.

i'm sick. i don't have ich, but i'm feeling icky. i have a cold. i can't find my driver's license, i'm sure it's around here somewhere, but until it surfaces i can't buy any advil cold and sinus. why? because the state of iowa won't let me buy it without presenting my driver's license because it has pseudoephedrine in it. and pseudoephedrine is one of the many ingredients that goes into making methamphetamine.

now, if the state of iowa had their wits about them, they would know that i can't even bake fucking brownies and i sure as hell can't make meth and would realize that i, of all people, am harmless to the drug czar as any sort of drug producing threat. i'm not even a breakfast producing threat. but they don't know that. perhaps if i sent drug czar van haaften a batch of brownies or an omelet he would allow me to buy cold medicine without having id? hmmm... do we have any eggs?

anyway. what was i talking about? ah yes. cold medicine. so i had to buy second rate cold medicine. this stuff sucks. its got me on pins and fucking needles, my friends. i can't compelte a thought even if i wanted to, i am random and all over the place. i have watched like seven hours of television and i don't know what i've been watching.

however, i have seen a couple of really disturbing commercials.

• there's a new quizno's commercial for some sort of sandwich, some prime rib something or other. that's not the point. the point is, the last part of the commericial features two girls talking about how girls love meat. this one chick, she says, 'it has a lot of meat. that's what a girl needs, a lot of meat.' omg. and then she laughs like she's choking or she's like part donkey, i'm not sure. girls, we may need meat, but we don't need to advertise it. dumb bitches.
  
• clearblue preggers tests advertises on mtv (yeah, i know. i'm regressing. HUSH.) but the tagline for their newest test cracks me up: 'the most advanced piece of technology you will ever pee on.' my first issue with this commercial? they say the word pee. i don't think i've ever heard that on tv, at least on a commercial. that's just weird. and second, how do they know i'm not wizzing on flat screen tvs? ipods? handheld gps units? cell phones? that's just it. they don't. they're assuming a lot. and you know what happens when you go assuming things? it makes an ass out of u and ming, who ever the hell ming is, i don't know.

i'm so sad that my fish are sick. i'm such a bad fish parent. :( roger's affect is improving, and adolf is moving around a bit more, but petey and bruiser are covered in 'salt' and i'm sure that otto is as well, but he's mostly white and therefore it's harder to see on him. i feel so bad. tomorrow i'm going to change out some of their water, and then on wednesday and again on friday they get more blue treatment. poor, poor fishies.

i think i'm tired. i'm going to bed. maybe not. i don't know. i'm bored. and my medicine is wearing off. where's the nyquil?

gnite. love, superhasasorethroatandrunnynosejanel... boohoo :(

now i want dessert.

i'll agree. the grilled cheese is good. it's better on sourdough bread but it didn't stop me from eating the whole thing in like 4.3 seconds. yum. now i want dessert. are you taking requests?


the recipe is here. make it. do it. i'm still hungry. please?

get off my property, you bastard

ahh. job # only. it's that time of the week where i pretend to be among the ranks of the employed. except this week i'm pretending to be employed for two days instead of my usual one so this is extra taxing on the janel. (i love talking about myself in the third person.)

i'm already tired. i was up at the ass crack of the ass crack of pre-dawn this morning. it was fucking early, kiddos. there was a full moon - it was beautiful, reflecting off the clouds and the snow, it almost seemed like daylight, only darker. i was so tired i stopped and slept for half an hour behind the country kitchen in newton. i just couldn't keep my eyes awake. and i woke up starving for pancakes. the janel is always hungry for pancakes. always.

i'm in the midst of a heated debate: are goldfish really supposed to eat oranges? they certainly like them. the research i have conducted leads me to believe that goldfish will eat just about anything that's placed in their tank, including bananas and peas and shrimpies. weird, huh? who knew goldfish were cannibalistic?

so right now, its going on 1730 and there are people here trying to buy a car. at 1730. that's closing time, dickheads. i have places to be. compound that with the fact that i've missed my 1600 feeding time and i'm none to happy to be working at this moment. grrr... i'm supposed to be on my way to the dutch village for mexican and margaritas (well, i may be the only one drinking margaritas, i'm not sure) with the fam. good times are to be had by all. or at least by me. i'm going to have the one that's as big as my head. with two straws. mango if they have it. yum. bring on the salsa, bitches. i wonder how you say that in espanola.

no, not really. i really don't care. i'm just hungry. hurry this shit up.

i'm okay with being unimpressive.

i was up most of the night last night reading last night. mom gave me a book, 'the tenth circle', and it's incredibly involving. i think it was about 0400 when i finally put it down. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it and i want to be reading it now but i've promised myself that any reading that i do now will be of the homework variety and there will be no other reading until my homework reading is done. my textbooks are about as dry and uninteresting as my classes; this has to get better - it's going to get better, right? this monday night class, especially this monday night class is going to kill me, of nothing else but sheer malaise. thinking about it this very second makes me yawn uncontrollably. i also have to go to the bathroom, but i don't think that's connected to thinking about monday night class. hmmm...

so today i accomplished things. i rose before noon (thank you kitties) and left the house before noon and spent dollars before noon. i went to lowe's and bought a showerhead, and i'll be damned if that's not the easiest fucking thing to install. the new one is wonderfuckingful. the old one was nice... at first. it was sort of a sharp sprayer - one of those ones that loofahs off all your dead skin. and then on day two, when you don't have any skin left, it starts to sort of hurt. so i wasn't going to take it anymore. so i went lowe's and bought a new one. and brought it home and took a shower in the rain, because that's why i bought it, apparently it feels similar to showering in the rain. except i'm not outside and it's not really rain and i wouldn't really know what that feels like anyway. :)

i also went to best buy (hehehe...) and borders and target. it's dangerous to live in a city where such things are just available. because when you live an hour away, you plan a trip and decide if the things you think you need are really things you need. chances are, they're not, and you don't make the trip to the big city and you save yourself the gas and time and energy. now it's like, ooh, starbucks might still be open. and 100$ later i have a grande iced caramel macchiato and 94$ in dvds that i really like but didn't necessarily need.

i'm going to need a job.

clean up in aisle five. LOL. mason just barfed on the grand massa champ's bed. i cleaned it up, because it's my cat and i'm responsible for him. but if the grand massa champ tosses cookies too, i'm not in charge of clean up for that one. he's on his own. :) he shouldn't complain too much; it was solid at least and not that runny green shit he has been barfing. somebody brought houseplants into the house even though i strongly advised that anything leafy, green, and not kept in the crisper drawer of the fridge is just considered kitty salad no matter what height at which it is kept. so of course, kitties have been munching away and i've been cleaning up nasty green puke all week. neat-o-fun.

today i had a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich on toast. yummy. i really should just spread peanut butter and mayo on my ass and wait for it to dry but i prefer to take the indirect route with my fats. i was reading that elvis used to eat fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. yum...

so for now, i'm signing off. i'm accumulating a list of things to do in the morning, such as wash someone else's bed sheets. fucking cat.

peas out.
love,
superfreakinsickofkittypukejanel

ooh, you look like dinner...

something tells me this may not end well. for the fish, for the kitty, for the carpet, i'm not sure.

i heart ziti

i make kick-ass ziti.

everybody just stay calm

ahh. now that i have a few seconds, do let us sit back with our morning tea and scones and reflect on the day that was yesterday and the nightmare that is going to be today and tomorrow. cuz boys and girls, it's going to get ugly. i just have a bad feeling... but maybe it's just indigestion. i hope. so anyway. yeah. whatever. i forgot to tell you that the teapot and plates are packed and the scones are really poptarts. i'm drinking milk from the container and i can't find any napkins. doesn't this sound like fun?

hoo-fucking-rah.

so as long as i have your attention, can i tell you about my night/morning?

exhibit one. take a look at the first two photos. the top photo is how i would like to spend my morning. hot tea, flowers, blueberry scones, a good book and morning spent in bed. *sigh* however, as you can tell from exhibit two, this is how my morning is being spent. milk from the jug, pop tarts and inquisitive cats. this is mason. he approves of my breakfast, in case you were wondering. and yes, he's on the kitchen counter. he's bigger and stronger than i am and i'm tired of fighting with him about where he can and cannot stand and i will not have this argument with you so shut the hell up.

i busted ass last night (and again, that busted word. i'm still not sure of the proper usage there but i like the redneck way it sounds.) and packed the holy shitzky out of this place. the closets are empty, all the books are packed. the only things left are random soap bottles and shampoo and shower curtains and kitty toys. i'm pretty proud of myself, as far as this is concerned. i have thrown away so much crap - i can't even begin to tell you. really. i should have done that a long, long time ago. it would have made the last move soooo much easier. i've decided i'm going to be done with sentimentality. it gets heavy, literally and metaphorically. i'm going to strive to be one of those people who has few personal belongings, you know? one of those people who can just pack up and go. those people prolly don't have cats though. or 200 dvds or a trash bag full of (clean) underwear. hell. i just set this goal and i'm failing already. gahh.

but on with the show. will the jury please look at exhibit two. this is the janel's empty closet. just 12 hours ago, this closet was overflowing with shit. well, not literally shit, but close. i have an abnormally large number of sweaters (that are almost all the same color/style) and sweatshirts and t-shirts. the hanger bar was sagging and on the floor was a gigantic pile of shoes and underwear. now, as you can see, there is nothing. (that's mischa leaving the closet. it has passed her inspection.) almost all of this is now in my car. that picture will be posted later. but for now, guess what the janel is living out of currently. yup, it's that poor green suitcase. again. that poor green suitcase that's been everywhere, lost and beaten up by countless airlines, at one point filled with shampoo. yup, that's my closet now. isn't that awesome? i'm so excited.

want to see more? i've got more.


this is my dining room. if you look close, you'll see my bookshelf, my vacuum cleaner, some books, a clock, a whole lot of boxes and some toilet paper. if you follow the superjanel's blog on a regular basis, you're thinking the same thing i am: "does that guy ever leave the bathroom? what's he living off of hot pockets?" lol. to the left of the toilet paper in the photo, but you can barely see it, is the printer. i decided to move it rather than throw it off the balcony. i don't believe in littering. today.



this is my poor, sad, empty refrigerator. i have some soda, which doesn't taste very good. i have some cheese (yay!) and some fruit (that's spoiling as we speak) and some pineapple (which in it's plastic containers has a nuclear half-life and will never spoil) and some pickles. there are also jalapenos and some chocolate. i guess that's some sort of meal. there is also a bottle of bailey's which i have pondered heavily in the last few days as my friends test my patience. i have a ton of liquor in this place. it's a wonder i'm not an alcoholic. no, seriously.

this last picture? this is me. i was delirious at this moment. i don't know. check out the pocahontas braids. that's hot. and i went out in public like that. nice.

so you may be wondering, superjanel, with all this going on, why are you sitting at home now, blogging and sharing these wonderful photos? ha. well, in fact i've been asking myself this same question for about an hour now. i was up at the ass crack of dawn, which for me rolls around at about 0730. me and the gran massa champ had planned on leaving our respective posts at 0830 and meeting at a preselected spot on the interstate so he could lead me to my new home which i cannot find. except that after i'm cleaned up and after i've been outside and after i've started to pack up my car (which technically i started to do last night at about 1am), he started texting crazy things about boobs and fish with wings and i don't know what else. apparently the first day of school is the day of school to miss and he's going to take some time to pack, which he should have been doing last night but instead his cartman shaped ass was playing warden of the world or some shit like that. ugh. frustrated? yes. homicidal? no. drunk? i wish. and it's only 0940. this is going to be a great day. i just wanted to share my morning with you.

i hope you got tea and scones for breakfast. my poptarts were phenomenal.

historically, this should be an all-nighter

this is school-eve-eve. when i was still in school, and even up into high school, i would stay up all night on school-eve-eve because on school-eve i would be so freakin nervous i wouldn't be able to sleep at all. but staying up all night on school-eve-eve meant that i would not only sleep all night school-eve but i'd generally oversleep on the first day of school and even yawn all day. in high school libbeth and i used to stay up all night and listen to her mom swear and threaten bodily harm. she once made us get up and wax her car in the middle of the night in an effort to shut us up. she was weird. anyway. i was a really uptight child, very nervous, very anxious. i used to cry if i thought i was awake too late because i didn't think i could get through the next day being tired and i was always afraid that i was the only person in the world that was still awake. i used to cry all the time. wtf? i still cry a lot. but now i don't care if i don't get any sleep at night. i just take a pill. and if that doesn't work, i'll just take another. :D but the point of this is that it's school-eve-eve. meaning that tomorrow night is school-eve and that they day after that is school. yikes.

i'm really good at school. but i'm really bad at going to school. attendance in anything has never been my strong point, you know? this is going to sound conceited but i don't really care because this is my fucking blog, but i haven't ever cared about attendance because i know i can pass, score very well, bullshit my way through whatever better than the average person. doesn't that sound awful? yeah, i know. i don't care. you don't like it, don't read it. i don't think i'm better than everyone else, i know i'm better than everyone else. riiight... anyway, i was discussing attendance because that's really my only weakness. i have really good intentions, like i'll get up one day and plan on going somewhere and then i'll get all distracted by whatever (perkins, the today show, messenger, whatever) and not make it anywhere. or i'll make it where ever i'm going but i'll be way late. i'm not a very timely person. but the people that know me are aware of this and love me in spite of it.

i didn't do a single thing this afternoon. it was awesome. i think i napped, because i started watching a movie and i looked up and it wasn't on anymore. i surfed online for awhile and updated my blog and flickr and my myspace. i played with the kitties and drank milk (which really does taste better out of a glass bottle but what's with the 1.50$ deposit?) and ate bread and watched the snow come down. it's snowing a lot. there's some ice down there too. awesome. i went to the little storage unit today and about fell on my head when i got out of the car. i was going to make brownies but that didn't go far because i packed all my pans. so i ate some brownie mix and got a little sick and threw 94 percent of it away. ick. napoleon dynamite was on comedy central and then some semi-cute comedian and then a couple hours of south park... i am so bored but i just can't bring myself to pack right now.

but the next week will be busy:
mondizzay: send that big ass box to ft dodge. pack kitchen stuff. take to storage unit. pack dresser. take to storage unit. go to the big city. make a bank deposit.
tuesdizzay: assemble a crew of saintly family members/friends to assist in packing/moving on wednesdizzay. pack up uugof with clothes and shoes and shit and drive to dbq to my house which i cannot find. pay landlord a deposit which i hope does not bounce. get a key. unpack clothes and shoes and shit. go to school. drive home.
wednesdizzay: get up early. complain about how tired i am. pack heavy things in a truck of make/model yet to be determined. load uugof with kitties and breakables. lead the convoy to dbq. unpack. put sheets on bed. crash.
thursdizzay: [still asleep]
fridizzay: wake up. drink some milk. feed the kitties. take a shower. get a job. homework.
saturdizzay: do i have to work this dizzay? i'm not sure.
sundizzay: family dinner?

ugh. that makes me tired just thinking about it. i'm going to think about going to bed now. g'nite.

i say bring it on. i'm ready for you.

again, i'm baffled by the amount of shit i possess. i don't know where it came from. i am a shit magnet. i must be. it's attracted to me. it follows me home and tucks itself in my closets without my knowledge because when it comes time to move i am always shocked at the amount of shit i have accumulated. so today i took more crap to the storage unit which is large enough to dwarf the stuff inside - it doesn't look like much but it is. so what's left to pack? my dishes, which are going into storage; my books, which are going to dbq; my clothes, which are going with me; and my furniture, of which some is going and some is staying.

ugh. have i mentioned i hate moving?

so in preparation of the giant winter storm headed this direction, i went to the supermarket. i bought milk (yay!) and bread and cheese! i'm so excited! i haven't been grocery shopping in weeks. i think the rest of my day will consist of napping with the kitties, watching the weather channel and maybe packing some boxes. i'm not sure. i also have some new movies to watch and i'd like to play some playstation later, but i don't want to wear myself out. :D

i'm coming over there with a weed eater and some cool whip

ugh. i can't wait for the day when i can buy milk again. because i'm getting really freakin sick of poptarts. and it's not like i don't currently have a refrigerator or anything, it's just that i can't commit to drinking an entire gallon of milk right now. i can't commit to anything right now. like moving - am i moving on monday or wednesday? how about tuesday? and why is it when i google my new address nothing comes up?? i can't move, i don't know where i live. i don't know how to get there. that's sort of an issue. i don't really even remember what this house looks like, except that it has a garage (yay!) and it looks as though an armadillo exploded in the winter closet. but since i can't see that from the outside of the house it won't help me find it initially. hmmm...

all i want is some cocoa puffs! arrghh!

so what else is new? my toe still really hurts. i've bored everyone i know with my toe saga. i can't find anyone else that wants to talk about it. i'd post a picture of it but i can't find my camera. i don't know if i've packed it or lost it or what and for some reason my cell phone will take pictures but it won't send them anywhere. i don't know what's up with that.

and speaking of cell phones, i went over on my cell phone minutes last month. for the second month in a row. i have a gazillion minutes and i used a gazillion and 12 minutes last month. who am i talking to? and what am i talking about? what's so freaking important? and why aren't these people calling me so we can use their minutes? i'm going to get one of those minute managers like on tv, with the bullhorn, you know? or the guy who makes the christmas calls, 'happy holidays from the harrisons' CLICK. that cracked me up.

oh, it's sleeting in dfw and in stl. it's a wonderful day to not be at the airport. :D it's sleeting here too, but i have all-wheel drive which does not allow me to drive 90 miles an hour but does allow me to drive by all those idiots stuck in the ditch. hehehehe... i heart uugof. he's the shiznit. he's a little dirty at the moment but it's too icky to wash him. i'm sad to be leaving my alltime favorite car wash in pleasant hill, it even washes my wheels and uses soap that's three different colors and smells like bubble gum and tang, it's like aromatherapy for your car. i leave there and i just feel wonderful, which is good because when i drive in i feel like holy hell because i just spent 10$ on a fucking car wash and i'm a tad bit suicidal.

tonight is dindin with the fam and the gran massa champ. i'm just going to sit back and drink and see what happens. i figure the best way for this to play out is the darwin's theory of natural selection: the strongest will survive. at least mom already knows about my tattoos so he won't be privvy to that argument. hehehe... mom, i'm just kidding. i will participate in conversation and i'm not at all embarassed to introduce my friends to you. you're just as weird as i am. i know where it came from. :D

okay. i'm being pressured to work now. i don't know what that's all about. just because i sit at this desk doesn't mean that i know what i'm doing. gosh.

peas out.

love, superfreakinlovelyjanel

joanie loves chachi... but does chachi love joanie?

who knew so much could be accomplished from my sofa? actually, that's a lie. because i didn't sit here all day. and i really didn't accomplish that much. this morning i got up and headed to the big city to buy software because i don't have enough software. and i have too much money. no, not true. my mom doesn't have enough software. so i drove all over dsm, looking for software that is apparently not to be found. i was in wdm, i was in the ghetto. i drove to spankeny. i was in best buy, i was in office max, i went to staples. there is not a single copy of front page to be found in that godforsaken city. and i was frustrated. frustrated and hungry because i have no food at home. my milk has long been spoiled and my bread is moldy and green. and i couldn't find my (professor) dickhead of a brother which means that he wasn't going to eat lunch with me today so i left a (cookie) monsterous sounding message on his (lionel richie) voicemail. it was like four hours later that he called me back to tell me one, he wasn't home and wasn't around, and two, he'd already eaten. ugh. my moustache smells like cabbage. gahhh.

my other brother has a girlfriend. and she's a crackhead. not literally. she's great - really sweet, really cute, but she's a few fries short of a happy meal, right? so she and a friend are discussing why all the flags are flying at half-staff or half-mast or half-cast or whatthehellever it is, i don't know, and she's like, 'it's because the president died.' and her friend was all, 'george bush?' and she's like, 'no, harrison ford, the president.' OMG. my little brother was like, 'yeah, the president, the former fugitive.' cracks me up.

so today i realised how to make the post office a solvent corporation. STAY OPEN ON FEDERAL HOLIDAYS. really. yeah. so a former president is dead and lying in state. sad. but come on. that just means you're going to have double work tomorrow. cuz all that mail is not delivering itself. so is it really worth it? because i went in there to give you business today and you weren't there and while i was in there trying to figure out why you were closed (which by the way took me like 14 minutes because the sign was tiny and i don't watch the news very often), so were like 7 other people. so 8 people, 4 stamps each at like 72 cents a stamp (isn't that what it costs to buy a stamp these days?), every hour all day long at every post office across the nation? yeah, that would have eliminated the national debt, you lousy buggars. you just think you're all special because you're federal employees. yeah, well, you still need to brush your teeth too, you know.

so i'm not telling you what i got done today. will you let me talk already? gosh.

here we go. today, i finally talked to people at school. for a while i was beginning to think that no one really worked there. but apparently i was wrong, they do exist, they're just all big vacation-takers and partiers because they haven't been there since thanksgiving or something like that. :) anyway, i sort of have an appointment on thursday to discuss the master of arts in communication program. i say sort of because we agreed upon early afteroon, meaning after lunch and before three. i don't know what that really means and it upsets my stomach to think about it. i don't like people that won't give me a fucking time. but the man was very precise on the phone, which makes sense because it's a communication program. i hesitate to say that he was curt with me because i left two messages and he flat out told me that i left two messages (like i wasn't aware?) but i wonder if it's because i stuttered on the word 'prospective' in both messages and he wonders if i'm a good communicator. oh i'm good... i'll show you.

and then, i sent off requests for all my transcripts. that is a fucking chore. i always wonder what i've done with the last eight years of my life until i take that trip back in time. that's like a asston of paper. that's my word of the week, by the way. asston. it looks better in caps, but then i feel like i'm yelling it. but it also sounds better in a loud tone of voice, so that's appropriate. ASSTON. there you go. (really, that's like two things i've done today in one paragraph. transcripts and invention of new word. i know, i rock, right?) oh, so get this. bellevue takes like 2-3 weeks to produce a sheet of paper that says i gradumated from their damn school (i gradumated from the eighth grade... twice... LOL!). so i had to pay for express freaking shipping/printing. wtf? so all in all, transcripts cost me like 50$. what a crock. i'm going to start my own school and charge people for paper. bitches.

what else? i talked to the landlords. yikes. they're nice people, so i sort of felt bad for um, you know. see, now this part i sort of feel bad for putting in here, so i think i may hold off on publishing until i'm like out of the county. :D but i'm getting out of my lease, not scot-free, but pretty freaking close. they gave me a checklist of things to clean before i leave. one of them is the base of the toilet. gross. who would leave that for someone else to clean? another is the vegetable bin of the refridgerator. i wonder what kind of stuff people leave in the veggie bin. well, maybe i don't wonder. ewww.

and then today i rented a storage space. my own little storage space with a cute little red door. isn't that special? i have to buy a padlock. i want to buy a really complicated one, with keys and numbers and a taser function if it scans your retinas and you're not me. but i don't think you can buy that at farm and home or waldo world and i am NOT driving back to dsm tonight. or tomorrow. i am tired of dsm. and my ass has permanently molded to the seat of the rendezvous and it sort of hurts. gah. but anyway, it's 10 feet by 15 feet and i can put my sofa and chair and dresser and mirror and boxes and shit in there. and my weed, if i had any, but i don't. i swear, i don't. i just like to say that. i don't even remember what that's from.

so tomorrow. i'm taking the big kitty to the vet and getting copies of all their records. i'm going to start taking shit to the storage facility and locking it up because i can.

i am the walrus, goo goo g'joob

it's nice when other people cook for you. even if it's just macaroni and cheese. brent, for christmas i'm getting you regular pepper and pork n' beans. i still want you to act surprised.

i usually hate my mondays. my monday is everyone else's sunday, which means that they're all home doing neat things like eating chili and watching football and i'm working. that's one reason i hate my mondays. but they always come around too fast - some weeks i feel like i just had a monday and then it's monday again. it just sort of sucks. but today was a good day. i cleaned up a buttload of claims and did not incur a single code 39 in the process. yay me! i had raspberry poptarts for breakfast, which makes me happy, those are almost my favorite poptarts ever. the bull dyke wore antlers to work, which made me laugh all day. i got to talk to my best good work friend for a long time - that was nice. we don't talk as much as we used to. i made a new friend who swears he's not gay but i know he is.

how much asparagus is too much asparagus? does there ever come a point where one can hold too much of one vegetable? i'm just wondering, because beyond a grocery store, i've never seen so much aspragus in one place. all neatly wrapped in ziploc bags. i just can't fathom that much of one vegetable. i cuss, you cuss, we all cuss for asparagus!

i guess jorge got sick from dinner last night. food poisoning is rampant right now. you can't eat at taco bell because the lettuce will kill you. you can't eat at red robin because the [insert the food you ate here] will kill you. you can't eat at perkins because the chicken tender sandwich sans tomatoes will kill you. poor jorge. it's no fun to be sick. thank god it's hard to screw up pancakes.

i'm wondering if i should go anywhere on my upcoming vacation. i don't have any money, so that sort of limits my options to like, a 7 mile radius. so we can go to leighton! yessss.... i'm sort of being serious here. not about leighton but about the not really having the money to travel in january. but everyone has such fun travel plans um, planned. (i'm really showing my mastery of the english language, aren't i?) the texas ranger wants to go to palm springs and go spa-ing. hard roc sue wants to go to cancun and celebrate a number of different things. and sir brently wants to tie himself to a fence and watch airplanes land and take off in st. maarten. or at least tie me to a fence and watch 747s throw rocks at my head. it's prolly hard to duck when you're tied to a fence. the question that entire scenario leaves me with is, how does one tie himself to a fence? what if you go to this beach alone? if you manage to get yourself tied, how do you untie? do you have a random stranger tie you to the fence? what if this random stranger uses a supafly knot that you don't know how to untie? what if he speaks another language and when you say tie me to the fence he thinks you're asking if you can eat shrimp during lent? what keeps this random stranger from picking your pocket as you stand there? these are the things i wonder about.

well, this and asparagus.

okay, chil'ens. i'm tired. goo goo g'joob.