yes, i love the crack of your ass.

the roommate and i just had the most serious conversation we've had in about ... 6 days? he's considering moving home. to his parent's house in mli. which leaves me living alone in dbq or moving home to my mom's house.

ahh, the joys of living with someone as unstable as you are...

i'm not sure how i feel about this. i know how my mom and my friends feel. i know how my boss is going to feel - i'm not going to be real popular at work if this is the end result of 2 months spent trying to transfer.

i lie. i know how i feel. i hate the idea of going home. i hate the idea of living with my parents. i hate the idea of failing. i think i would be all too comfortable letting someone else have the responsibility for a while. but at the same time, something has to give. my fallback methods are straining and so is my own sanity. this is affecting every area of my life and it's driving me batshit crazy.

i would miss my roommate, he's a good person and generally a good friend. everyone has their faults but i think those are accentuated when you live with someone and are subject to their behavior each and every day. he would (hopefully say the same thing about me, but i'm not sure.)

maybe i should make a list. a list of things that are keeping me in dbq and a list of reasons why i should move home.

things that are keeping me in dbq

• my job. my job is in cid and it is approximately 1 hour and 15 minutes away from dbq. from home, it is approximately 3 hours to cid. obviously, dbq is the winner in this situation.
• my school. i have currently withdrawn from classes for a number of reasons, but i have an open invitation from the curriculum director to re-enroll this fall, next spring or next fall. eventually, i do want to get my master's degree but i think that is better tackled when my life is more settled.
• my stuff. right now, all my stuff is in dbq. AND I HATE MOVING. not nearly as much as my stepdad hates moving, but pretty fucking close. plus i got a super heavy fish tank that i don't look forward to moving and i don't want roger to die.
• my house. i like my house. and it's hard to find a place that will take kittehs. :( plus, that whole lease thing could get ugly.
• my aunt and my cousins recently moved to mli, and dbq is much closer to mli than dsm. is that a sign or am i just looking for reasons to stay where i am and avoid disrupting my life yet again?
• my roommate. i'll miss him.
• my post office box is rented until january.

reasons i should move back to dsm

• my family. i cannot explain how much i miss my family. i'm just happier when i'm down here - i never thought i'd say that.
• my friends. i have, like, -5 friends in dbq. i miss my dsm area friends. and more are moving back every day.
• i could probably get my old job back in dsm. if not, there are plenty of other jobs that would make me equally miserable and would pay more than what i'm currently making.
• financial reasons. no more of this living like i am crap. i could get my shit together and move on. FINALLY.
• i wonder on a regular basis if i moved to dbq for the wrong reasons - yes, i moved for school and to be with a good friend, dr. cooper, but i also moved to escape my life as it was falling down around me. somehow, it seemed like it would be easier to handle if i were in a completely foreign place surrounded by completely foreign people - i am such an idiot.

so. there you have it. comments, criticisms - i'm looking for it. here is your chance to tell me how you feel. i've laid it all out there. tell me what you think.

superjanel OUT.