don't stick anything in your ear smaller than your elbow.

i read a lot. i read everything i can get my hands on. i was reading clinton's blog and he recommended "the perks of being a wallflower" which i've heard is really good from several other people, my friend amanda included. so last night, i found it at the bookstore (with my mom's assistance, thank you!) and finished it up this morning. not a bad little read, it you can deal with the high school tone of voice and the letter prose. you never find out who the main character is writing to, which makes things confusing at first, but isn't a necessary piece of information. a good book, a short read, and now i'm back to pride and prejudice. and i can sort of see why i skipped over that in college. i probably missed that day on purpose because i knew there was a movie coming out sooner or later that would star someone hot. but now that i've started it i must finish it because i hate leaving a book unfinished. at this point i'm not particularly interested if elizabeth and mr. darcy ever hook up, but society tells me that i should be and i am nothing if i am not a sheep.

sometimes.

so. i have had the worst pain ever in my left ear. and regardless of what you may think, it's not from being around kids. (i just had to toss that out there so i could hear libbeth make that noise when she reads it, lol!) no, i could feel something in there, a bump or something. and it kept getting bigger. i was thinking i was growing a gremlin or some similarly adorable creature, but it got to the point where it was sort of dicking with my hearing and i knew that i must be growing both the alien and the terminator. so i'm digging at it like a damn two-year-old this evening and libbeth offers to take a look. and what does she say?

"OH MY GOD!"

reassuring, yes? so she hauls me off to the toity and gets this contraption out of the drawer.

this is a medieval torture device, currently marketed by revlon as a blackhead remover. i don't recommend putting this in your ear. but you can if you really want to. or if your friend really wants to. whatever, i don't care.

doesn't that look like fun? i've always heard never to stick anything smaller than your elbow in your ear, and while i don't necessarily listen to that advice because i could practically own stock in the q-tip corporation (i love clean ears), i don't know that small metal torture devices are the next biggest thing in ear care.

and torture is right. because that thing fucking hurts when its pressed up against the bulbuous growth in my ear canal. it hurts so much that i consider just letting the growth and nature to run its course. but in all my grossness, i'm a little curious as to what's inside. in the ever educated and scientific words of one of my favorite aunts in the world, "we gotta get the meat out." and that is exactly what we did. because when libbeth pressed down on the giant zit growing in my ear, i heard that sucker pop like a balloon. it was simultaneously the grossest and the coolest thing i have ever heard in my entire life. well, maybe this week. okay. the grossest and coolest thing i have ever heard today. because i haven't been hearing all that well lately.

however, lately when i turn my good ear towards the radio in the car when we go somewhere, they have the most rocking-est radio stations down here. they play cake and weezer and pearl jam and spacehog(!) - it's like my ipod except i don't have to blow in the end of the adapter all old-school nintendo-like and that's kind of kick ass.

i'm being told that we're going to have adult conversation and watch a movie this evening. no more laptop. i'm trying to tell them that they are not the bosses of me, but i don't think its going to work. so i'm going to sign off here... before they shut off the power and make me go away.

talk to you all (which is yankee speak for y'all) tomorrow. :)

thirsty thursday = liquid lunch

a piece of advice for those of you that might be interested in obtaining a job: business socks just might work. however, if you're going to buy business shoes, buy the right size. business shoes that are too small freaking suck. i didn't buy them on purpose, i'm just retarded and can't read. but don't tell that to my potential future employer. because i think i distinctly remember telling him that i can actually read.

so here's the scoop: the interview went well. the potential employer is originally from iowa (score one for the janel!) and is looking for someone to fill an agent assistant/marketing assistant/sales assistant kind of position. there is all sorts of licensing and training to be completed. but based on the feedback i received and the vibes i picked up on, i feel really positive about the entire experience. i may receive a job offer in a few days. and then i will need to make a decision about moving.

everything happens for a reason, right? everything happens so that something else can happen, doesn't it? god never closes a door without opening another, right? the chapter of my life that has just ended, no matter how sadly or tragically is the beginning of another - and i love the idea of a fresh start. new beginnings doesn't mean not remembering, and i need to keep that in mind. i couldn't sleep last night, i just lied there and cried for what seemed like the longest time. and i thought about calling my mom but i didn't want to wake her up. then i just decided to have a heart to heart with the baby. i even called him by name, which i've never done before. and before long, i wasn't crying anymore and i could sleep. i just felt better. i don't know if that's healthy or even recommended or anything, but it made me feel better.

anyway. that's what's going on. i think we're going to lunch soon. now that i'm done wearing my new pants i can eat again. bring on the white bread and carbs and beer. seriously. i may have beer for lunch. what are you going to do about it?

yeah, that's what i thought. punk. :)

i have to be awake and coherent in less than 10 hours.

i now have business socks. no, seriously, i do. we went to the mall, a mall, i have no idea where, and i bought some pants that i could have sworn were on sale, four tank tops that were on sale, some really cute brown shoes, business socks, and a shirt with business built in, because that's how i roll. i am businessed up.

now someone give me a damn job.

libbeth came up with another pro for moving to north carolina: nascar drivers live here. you see them at the grocery store. you see them in public. you see them with their wives and girlfriends (boo) and families. they live like normal people here, even the cute ones. isn't that amazing?

in fact, the more time i spend out and about in public here, people seem normal here. all sorts of normal. there is no standard because there is no normal. there are punk people and ghetto people and redneck people and preppy people and family people and no one notices anyone else - we sat in a restaurant full of people, all these wonderfully diverse people, all these wonderfully different kinds of people that weren't paying any mind to anyone else. it was just nice for a change, to be out of my little part of the world where everyone knows everyone and everyone looks the same and acts the same and thinks the same.

our dinner was good. it was nice to have a chance to talk, just the two of us. its not often that we get to just talk, you know? just talk and laugh and cry, which of course, i did, because i still cry all the time, everywhere i go. she just listened to me and tried to make me feel better. i still have bad days - rough moments, sad feelings and things come rushing over me and i can't control it. it generally doesn't last very long and i can usually control it, but for the last couple days, it's been really bad. i've cried the last couple nights and i've had especially awful dreams, too. i can tell i've progressed in the last three weeks, i really can, and i know that time will make a lot of things better. i just wish that time would make guilt go away. i don't know what makes that go away. anyone have any ideas? i'm not dealing with that part very well. :(

i really should be in bed but i'm not very tired. we're watching ryan play ps3 (which is pretty freaking amazing, by the way). i think at one point i offered to sell a kidney or a spleen or a femur or some other unnecessary body part for a ps3; now i can see why.

my interview is at 11am; which means that i have to leave the house at 10am; which is hilarious because i haven't been out of bed before 1030am since i've been here. i don't know what the hell i was thinking when i set that up. what a freaking retard.

wish me luck.

i can't keep up with all the s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g

libbeth and ryan spell a lot of things to keep the k-i-d-s from h-e-a-r-i-n-g. and i can't keep up. i didn't realize i was such a slow speller. in fact, when my brothers were little and my parents played that game, i was pretty freaking good at it. i could keep up like nobody's business. but now they stand in the living room and toss out r's and p's and e's and i'm all, "slow the hell down, i don't have a damn english degree, you bastards!"

so far, it's not working. so the man child and i just sit and eat cookies and watch tv.

i want to go to bonnaroo this summer. check out this lineup. looks bloody awesome, doesn't it? i would love to see kanye and rilo kiley and pearl jam and willie nelson and jakob dylan and death cab for cutie and bb king. anyone up for a road trip in june?

off to find more cookies. c-o-o-k-i-e-s are g-o-o-d.

and why was there a dolphin in the road?

woohoo for interviews. but the girl i talked to on the phone was a freaking idiot. "um... you are? and i am? and what do you want again? and do you have our phone number?" i kid you not, she made these statements. i felt my IQ dropping just by talking to her. having her as a coworker could be dangerous to my health and well being. but again: cart, horse, u-haul, blah, blah, blah.

so. i did receive some advice. and i thank you all for your advice. it was all much appreciated and i've taken it all under consideration. there are some pros that i did not think to list, such as the supremacy of the EST to the CST, the number of maple syrup eating ninjas on the eastern seaboard, the lack of amish people with their fence-jumping and highway-inhabiting cows, and no tony danza (and none under my bed, i checked!). the con that keeps coming to mind is the biggest one on the list and that is my family. i'm just very close to my family. my mom has become one of my closest confidants. and i'm very close to mark and my brothers as well. the idea of leaving them makes me very sad. in my mind, i can solve that problem by telling myself that its just a day's drive to see them. but i have a hard time convincing my heart that it's the same thing, you know?

but i'm just going to put it all out on the table and tell you what i want and then tell you my (very) legitimate fears about the entire decision.

i want to move. i want out of iowa and away from the the things that remind me of the baby and the life i had planned. i want to go somewhere and be anonymous for a while until i decide to let people into my life again. i have loved north carolina since the moment i first landed here nearly eight years ago and i would love to live here. if everything i'm reading is true, it's not that much more expensive to live here than it is to live in des moines. there are obviously expensive neighborhoods and there are not-so-expensive neighborhoods. and there are jobs that i'm qualified for and jobs i could get hired for in no time. i could make this happen.

however, my fear lies in the fact that my track record lately as far as moving/independence/adult decisions has sort of sucked. and my parents have had to rescue me from leases, roommates, boyfriends, and so on and so forth. i've become the poster child for slackerdom. granted, some certain circumstances have been out of my control and i have been so thankful for my parents help and support. but the last year has not been my greatest year when it comes to making it on my own. and i'm terrified of having to ask my parents for help from 996 miles away. i'm also terrified of leaning on the only two people i know 996 miles away from home too much - relying on their friendship and generosity to the point of becoming a leech. because if i know me, i can easily get to that point. and i don't want to lose a friendship over it. and even though they may rent me a futon for 80$ a month, i don't want to abuse a good thing.

and there you have it. that's what i want and that's what i fear. i feel like i have become incredibly weak in the last two years. i don't know where this has come from. i think at one point i would have jumped all over this and not looked back. now i can barely go to the bathroom without thinking twice: "do i want to go right now? what if there's no toilet paper?" what is that all about?

i am such a freak sometimes.

tomorrow we are going shopping. and i heart me some shopping. this whole thing could have been avoided if i had just packed some decent clothes. because i distinctly remember having this conversation with myself - do i pack decent clothes and shoes, or do i pack things i can bum around in? and being the sarcastic, pessimistic asshole that i can be sometimes, i was all, who needs a fucking job anyway and why would i want to spend my vacay on a freaking interview? well, as it turns out, i do in fact like dollars and people who want to give me a paycheck can be my friends. so i'm going to go interview a new friend and i'm going to have new clothes for this soiree. but they're going to be cheap clothes because i still have to pay my damn cell phone bill.

i want that seafood platter i saw on the food network. i've been thinking about this for a couple days now. i think after the interview i may force everyone into the car and drive them all to georgia against their will. i mean, if you're going to commit a capital crime such as kidnapping, you might as well go all out, right? we should at least have some good food, or what appears to be good food, before i get hauled off to the clink. plus, i'll be wearing my new interview clothes and having good hair (because who wears bad hair to an interview) so i'll look good for the tv cameras when the cops catch me after my seafood eating crime spree. hmm... just a thought.

i'm moderately obsessed with craigslist these days. and as such, you have to read this. i have not laughed so hard in a long time. and it's good to laugh.

becoming jane... L

in case you're keeping tabs, yes it is in fact after 3am. that seems to be the standard in the libbeth household. i'm not sure why. everynight is a weekend night, less the drinking, around here. and that's cool. but again it's after 3am and i have to be awake in the morning to call a potential pay-check-hander-outer to schedule a time for me to evaluate him and vice versa, i guess. someone want to give me a call about 9am, your time? (that part is very important.) being awake before noon is getting to be a chore. after all, i am on vacation, damn it. :)

anyway. so we watched becoming jane(l) tonight. not something i would have picked, but now that i'm familiar with james mcavoy i'll certainly watch it again. it was pretty good. and as soon as i'm done with chuck klosterman's fargo rock city, a disection of the evolution of heavy metal music especially in north dakota, i'll start into pride and prejudice, which if you can believe it, i have never read before. how on earth did i make it through college and never read that? i must have been gone that day.

anyway. i'm going to go read chuck's top albums of all time. i'm guessing that gnr's appetite for destruction is in the top five. that's probably one of my top 20; it's pretty freaking good. someday, when i'm feeling particularly creative and contemplative, i'll give you a list of the janel's top 20 albums of all time. but right now i'm tired. and i'm suffering from mcdonald's induced heartburn.

or maybe that was the reese's easter eggs. i'm not sure.

blockbuster is taking you away!

my guts are in serious dismay. i hate mcdonalds. it's a meal you can't deny; or at least i can't deny. i can't go to mcdonalds and not eat or be around people eating mcdonalds and not eat. so i ate it. and now i'm suffering because of it. i read fast food nation (and you should too, if you haven't already) - i know what goes on there. and i still eat at fast food restaurants. what can i say? i'm a sucker for sodium and trans fats.

but, eating at mcdonalds obviously means that i got out of the house today and i didn't even have to hold anyone at gunpoint. out and about in the sunshine and 60 degree weather - it was beautiful today and i loved every second of it. we even had the ac on in the car - can you believe it? anyway. libbeth showed me a couple of the more eclectic neighborhoods in town (eclectic meaning upcoming, somewhat snooty and overpriced), as well as the university and the university neighborhoods, and the speedway, which is much larger than it looks on television. it was good to get out and see things, get some fresh air and some sunshine - that really helps my mood, my temperament, my overall wellbeing. i feel much calmer today, more relaxed.

plus... i got a job interview. i have to call tomorrow morning to set up a time, but its thursday or friday. i don't know that it's my dream job, but it's work and work is good. it's something to occupy my mind. obviously, if it's thursday or friday, it's here in north carolina, so a job would be an obvious pro for the list. i was talking to libbeth today, and she asked me what i would do if i actually got a job while i was on vacation. and i have no idea. how would that work?

"sure, i'll take this job, but i'm going to need a two week vacay - and soon, damn it - so i can get my affairs in order and my life in order and i can go drinking one last time with one of my best good friends so we can get wasted and sing pat benatar. plus, i may or may not have a date with one of wayne county's finest and i would like to accomplish that just to see if that pubic hair thing is true."

(that last part was a joke, mom. i don't really have a date with him.)

but i don't think that statement is going to help in getting me hired anywhere. so that leaves me in a pickle. a quandary of sorts. hmmm...

but i'm putting the cart before the horse. shit. i don't even have a cart and i don't know anyone with a horse. LOL!

but you know what a job interview means? shopping! because in all my infinite brilliantness, i did not bring any clothes suitable for greeting potential paycheck-givers. so a-shopping we shall go. woohoo! :D

i'm kind of excited. and that's a good feeling.

ups and downs, pros and cons

i'm working on my list of pros and cons in my decision of moving to another state 1,000 miles away from home. it's a hard decision. i've never lived that far away from my family before. my mind knows its time for a change but my heart wonders if this is a good time. i know something has to be done but i wonder if i'm making the right decisions, if i'm along the right path, if i'm even close, you know? i have to admit, i feel a tremendous amount of guilt for using this time as a time of positive change. i almost don't feel right to vacation, to have fun, to laugh, to spend time with another baby - my heart is just sick, nearly breaking, at some moments. and i should have expected that, i mean, that's why i'm here, right? i'm here to deal with those feelings and to experience those moments and to heal. and so that's what i'll do.

anyway. pros and cons. i'm getting to that. i just don't know what to do. i think getting out and seeing things will help. maybe getting out and getting lost will be helpful. i have been looking at jobs and places to live, asking questions about neighborhoods and the area. i've never moved cross country, i'm not sure how to do that. do you take all your things or do you sell them? do you hire movers or do you bribe family members? how does this work? i'm not even good at moving 75 miles from corydon to des moines; how can i be good at moving 996 miles? ugh. i have no idea.

so here is what i have so far.

pros

• i have a friend (and her family) in nc
• there seem to be many job opportunities in nc and i don't have a job
• moving would be a clean slate
• traveling home is just a day's drive or a couple quick flights
• the cost of living doesn't seem to be that much different than iowa
• there are more things to do in nc
• lots of opportunities to go back to school
• closer to the beach and i love the beach
• not nearly as much snow! the climate is much more temperate
• more sports opportunities. nascar, baseball, basketball, football - and these are professional teams, not farm teams. and that is a nice change.

cons

• my family is in iowa
• i would miss my mom terribly
• most of my friends are in iowa and they're good to me
• i can find my way around in iowa; i have no sense of direction in nc
• leaving would mean leaving my doctors and my therapist
• i would have to sell most of my belongings in order to move
• i really can't afford to move and moving is expensive
• i can't understand a lot of the natives when they talk

anyone have any other ideas? any pros? any cons? anything i'm forgetting? any suggestions, any life altering advice? i'm open to just about anything at this point. i kind of just want someone to point in a direction and say, "go there, do that" and i'd probably do it. if anyone wants to step up, the position is open.

i'm going to go watch the oscars and wait for advice to come pouring in.

the food network is making me fat.

i'm suffering from stir-crazy. i feel the need, the need not for speed but to get out of these walls. i just need some air. yesterday was a bad day for me, we didn't do much of anything and my mind kind of works against me in situations like that. i love these kids, i love these people, but sometimes i get a little jealous. that and i found some grief message boards and while the purpose is good, the timing was a little bit off. lizbeth was like, if you need anything, keys, anything, just let me know. um, yeah right. here, let me take your car and get myself lost as hell in a town where you're the only person i know. that just does not sound like a good idea. but anyway. i hate the idea of being jealous; its such a nasty feeling, to envy someone you love so much. i can't help it.

so i'm hoping maybe we go somewhere today. but lizbeth isn't feeling well - she's going on 32 weeks preggo, i don't know that anyone feels good at that point - so our travels can be limited at times. we're trying to talk ryan into going to tybee island, georgia so we can eat at the crab shack and try the 22$ seafood sampler platter. we may just head out when he's done with his project - he'll watch the kids and we'll have a girls night, or a girls couple of days, since its about 5 hours away.

there's karaoke at my old favorite bar on 15 march. nigel and i are planning on getting wasted and belting out pat benatar all night. mark your calendars, its going to be an event.

i'm still working on my pros and cons list. i might post that tonight, i'm not sure.

did i tell you that i think that i may be getting rid of my uugof in the next couple of months? i'm a little sad about that, but i just can't afford him anymore. my poor little uugof, we've had quite the tumultuous relationship but he's been good to me. i will miss him. :(

i played mario kart today. i loved that game when i was 11 and i love that game now. it only takes about 20 minutes before i start to develop carpal tunnel and my thumbs hurt. and i suck now and i'm playing a 4 year old. i can't imagine the game got much harder, i think i just suck that much more. boo hiss boo.

okay. i'm going to go look for cookies.

business socks

where did i put those cookies?

i'm hungry for grape nuts. i like grape nuts. it's a healthy cereal but i like to make it very unhealthy by putting entirely too much sugar on it and a whole lot of milk. yum. the kitties love the milk from my unhealthy grape nuts; i'm very popular in the mornings at home.

i'm so happy - i'm going on four or so nights of unmedicated nights of real sleep. i'm excited to go to sleep at night, i sleep for long periods of time, my dreams are back to normal (read: whacked out, bizarre, weird), i'm not waking up - i'm even sleeping in. i think it's helping that libbeth and ryan are keeping me up until the wee hours of the morning on a regular basis, which isn't normal for the janel at this point. physically, i'm feeling pretty well.

there's changes going on at home; big changes, the kind that make you feel kind of bad for having frivolous vacation fun. not that i could do anything if i were there, except make that "i'm sorry this is happening" face and maybe offer to make dinner (let me warm up that broasted chicken for you) or put the dog out. but it still makes me feel bad. no one is sure of what will be happening and uncertainty is a terrible feeling - it's affecting a lot of people i care about and that makes me feel terrible. i wish i could help.

have i mentioned on here that i'm considering a life change, like a serious life change? (it seems like i do this every couple of years, don't i?) but considering that i really have nothing going on at home - no job, no life, no significant other - it seems viable to consider options in areas other than iowa, doesn't it? so part of my trip is looking into jobs and homes and things that i like and things that i don't. and while i haven't really had a chance to seriously look into much since i've been here, it's definitely been on my mind. i talked about it with my mom before i left and we've talked about it since i've been here - she's not pressuring me into anything, either way - i'd miss her terribly if i moved even an hour away, but this is the kind of decision that needs to be made so that things can happen. so i need to make a pros and cons list. i'll be doing that sometime soon.
okay. time to eat. the janel is hungry. kthxbai.

i'm still wearing yesterday's pajamas

i heart lazy days. especially lazy days when you're not the only one being lazy. i love lounging in my comfy clothes and not doing much of anything - just hanging out. i slept so late today, i'm almost ashamed to tell you i slept until noon. but in my own defense, i should tell you i was awake for nearly 24 hours yesterday. and it has been awhile since i've pulled one of those.

my brother, in all his loyalty, came through for me. so i am rescinding my 5$ paypal offer because i got the phone number i needed. and in fact had an unfulfilling conversation with said "friend" this evening but its hard to have any sort of real conversation by text message. but at least i can have another unfulfilling conversation if i want to. and boys and girls, that's all i wanted was the option to do so. life is good when you have options.

we watched the lunar eclipse this evening from libbeth's front porch. did anyone else watch this? i've not seen one of these before, it was very cool. it didn't look like i thought it would - from pictures, i thought it would be more black and white, not as colorful. and it took 51 minutes from start to finish, which if you think about it, is a good thing, because i get dizzy if i turn around too fast or if i'm riding carnival rides. if the earth rotated fast enough that an eclipse only took a few minutes, i might have a real issue. :D

it's been a really good day but i still find that as it gets dark, my mind starts to work against itself. i find myself playing "what if" and i start to cry. i'm still sad. i wish i knew the reason everything has worked out as it has; it would make everything else much more clear. i'm still not sure what i'd like to do with my life - do i want to move or make a life back home, do i want to find a job or settle in a career, go back to school or maybe travel for a while - i just can't decide on anything. everything is so up in the air, and i realize that a decision doesn't have to be made at this very second, but it does have to be made soon. i can't continue to meander through life and let people make decisions for me.

unfortunately.

i have to go to the bathroom. and i would like to brush my teeth again. i don't need no stinkin' dentist. my new toothbrush is the shiznit.

deep sleep and very clean teeth

i have not slept so deeply, so soundly, and without the aid of drugs, in weeks. i feel good this morning. we were up until nearly dawn - about 4am - just talking and talking and watching ry (libbeth's husband) play video games. i feel so comfortable here, it's like another home. i love the kids, i love the pets - it's just easy to be here.

my flights yesterday were uneventful, kudos to delta for not losing my luggage or destroying my brother's suitcase. atlanta was not nearly as intimidating as i'd imagined and in fact, my flight to charlotte arrived about 40 minutes early. i've never had that happen before. we went to dinner last night at an italian restaurant, carraba's, and ate ravioli and chocolate dream dessert. (yum!) the kids are just as awesome as i remembered and the baby has blossomed into this wonderful little girly girl. she's adorable.

i got the coolest birthday present from libbeth and the family last night. they surprised me with a sonicare toothbrush. we had to first try it out in the glass of water, like they do on television and you know what? it works. that is one powerful beast. and my teeth are so clean. shiny clean. amazingly shiny clean. and when you use it, it tickles your gums. it's the coolest toothbrush ever.

the weather is beautiful today. it's going to be mid 60s today and mid 40s tomorrow. and while that's not terribly warm, it's still warmer than home and i'll take it and not complain.

okay. i'm going to go watch cartoons and find something to eat. i'm having fun, being smart and being safe. more to come late. love, superjanel

scenery and peanuts

have i ever mentioned how much i love airports? i do. (and i'm pretty sure i have mentioned this before.) and right now i'm in atlanta. and there are people freaking everywhere. this place is insane. i'm flying delta. and i have to say, they have the nicest airplane bathrooms i've ever seen. however, from my vantage point above the ramp, there is a lot of potential fod blowing about this afternoon. (fod is foreign object debris, which is trash and zipper pulls and shoes and key chains and small dogs and such that blow about the ramp that get sucked into jet engines causing major catotrosphic damage or serious bodily harm like decapitation or poking your eye out.) this airport could use a good fod walk.

i'm currently sitting across from a non-atlantan (no accent) frat boy who is providing some nice scenery. which is a nice change, because there was no scenery in kansas city. none. at all. they were all old or women. or old and russian, which i really didn't understand. and then when we started boarding, it dawned on me - all the scenery was hiding out in the delta crown club, the foo-foo first class gin and tonic at 9am leather chairs and ottomans exclusive waiting room. bastards!

i am growing the worst zit ever. libbeth and i have concluded that this is a repercussion of making out with one of wayne county's finest on friday night, even though he actually has really good skin. i'm being punished for .... poor judgement? still no cell phone number for my new friend. i will paypal 5$ to someone who can assist me in getting this. :-)

and now my frat boy has been replaced with old men. damn it all to hell.

i wonder if there is a swatch store in this airport? i wonder if i should eat lunch. we're going to dinner this evening, sort of a belated birthday dinner for both libbeth and i. her birthday was 3 days after mine, we're both officially in our late 20s, and we both apparently need to eat dinner to celebrate this. i know i do. i'd like to have a drink or 2 or 12 but with the kiddos there its not appropriate and so i will refrain. poo.

i'm going to go walk. it's boring at this end of the terminal and i don't leave for a couple hours. ooh. my scenery is back. maybe i'll just wait it out and eat lots at dinner tonight... :D

and that is the end of that.

i purposely avoided saying anything yesterday, but i heard from the bee. phone calls and text messages. apparently the idea of my leaving finally got to him - he felt compelled to contact me, for whatever reason. so 2am on sunday morning, there he was. luckily for me, i was sleeping. but i woke up to "u don't know what you mean 2 me" and "i know you think i'm an asshole, but you don't have any idea what that loss, and your leaving, is doing to me. i had it good and i didn't know it..."

i texted back: "who is this?"

we talked last night. we talked about all the reasons he didn't come through for me, which really, he gave me none. his excuses were paltry and pathetic - he stammered and hemmed and hawwed and i know nothing more than i knew a week ago - but i feel better because he knows that i suffered. and i am suffering. he knows that i don't need him to get through this, because i'm recovering, and i can't say the same for him.

he claims he never said the awful and horrible things that i was told he said. i let him tell me that without arguing to the contrary. he is notorious for saying things and then "forgetting" that he said them. whatever makes him feel better. obviously those words weren't meant for my ears, but that's beside the point.

i came clean about a lot of things, and childish or not, it's a load off my shoulders. he replied with hateful words, which i knew that he would, and i didn't let it bother me. because a) i know the truth and i know he knows the truth and b) there was no good to come out of this conversation in the first place. i wasn't looking for some miracle reconciliation, in fact, i was really hoping it wouldn't turn into that. i guess i was just looking for civility, which i got for a while, but ended when he turned vulgar and hung up.

some things will never change. but at least they won't be my issues to deal with in the future. i'm washing my hands of the situation and it feels good to do so.

and so that is that. coming back next month and moving out of the apartment, i'll have to decide whether or not to contact him - he left a couple of things there that i know he still really wants. i could be a bitch and let him buy them back on ebay. or i could just leave them on his parent's porch. we'll see.

today i'm headed to the big city with my momma for some lunch and some shopping. apparently in order to shop we have to get her half schnockered, which she says actually works to my advantage. i'll let you know how this works out. but i need a few things from my apartment, and i'd like to clean out some baby-related items as well, to add to the collection mom is keeping for me. i don't know where any of it is, but i've asked that she keep all my momentos in one spot. one day i'll want them, i'll be able to look at them. i just can't do it right now.

have a good day. thanks for looking in on me. i'm still here. :)

area codes are a bitch

don't give me your phone number when i've been drinking. unless you have pen and paper, hammer and a stone tablet, blood and papyrus - don't recite seven digits at me in rapid sucession and expect me to remember them. because it's not going to happen. since the wee hours of saturday morning, i've been trying to remember the combination of 4s, 7s, 9s that i'm pretty sure were given to me. but it's just not happening. so a few poor saps in both the 515 as well as the 641 area codes have gotten a few random text messages, none apparently received by my new "friend."

hmm... but no fear. my "friend's" cousin is a good friend of my little brother. the beauty of small towns, right?

i slept last night for about six hours. off and on. no advil pm (and never again), no ambien, just tired. watched a little tv, finished a really good book that turned really strange at the end and then just lied there until i fell asleep. i think i've figured out that zoloft won't let me sleep so i took it today at noon. and i was weird and jumpy and not hungry for a while. and now i feel okay. i don't know if that stuff is working. and the side effects aren't good if you read about them (but the side effects for anything aren't good if you read about them.) but again, anxiousness is decreasing and calmness is generally on the rise, so i'll take it for now.

crying comes in small fits. and then it goes away. sometimes i can tell that its coming and sometimes it comes out of the blue. i worked yesterday and actually ended up working late because of a deal that happened at closing time. it was a younger couple with a baby boy. a beautiful, happy, smiling, amazing baby boy. and while i printed (and then reprinted) their paperwork, it took every ounce of everything i had not to scream at them that they had so much nerve, that they had no idea what i'd just been through and i would very much appreciate it if they would take their baby and their after-hours business elsewhere. but i didn't. instead, after they left, i just cried. because i didn't know what else to do. and that baby broke my heart because i won't have one like him.

just a couple days til i leave. i'm so excited. i can't wait to get away from here. i need some new scenery, some new people, some new stories. libbeth wants to know what i eat so she can buy snacks. i can't think of anything i eat on a regular basis. cheese? water? i don't eat anything out of the ordinary, probly a lot of junk food. i should stop that. libbeth, put me on a diet. rations. spaceman dehydrated meals. and tang.

assuming the roads are passable and she can get away from work, mom and are going to the big city tomorrow. i need to find a suitcase at my apartment and get some clothes from my closet. i also have to show her how to feed my fish as she and mark will be fluffy's caretakers while i am away. its not hard but i like to make it complicated. i've been checking my flights and my seats and wondering what i should pack for 60-degree weather. and should i pack what nice clothes i do have that fit me in case of interviews? ugh. decisions. i may just take flip flops and tshirts and call it good, see what happens. if i can find my flip flops.

today is the daytona 500. all the televisions in the house have been commandeered to watch the race. and that's okay. because i need to be reminded of how little i know of this sport this year and how much it will sting when i'm at the bottom of the fantasy racing team i was asked to join. that's okay. in a few weeks, i'll start picking the absolute worst drivers as an attempt to start conversation and irritate fellow game players. and there, i just gave away my whole strategy. its the same way i play monopoly. i buy random properties and don't ever sell anything to anyone else playing, so no one else can get a monopoly and can't really win the game. i end up winning because people end up yelling and quitting until i'm the only one left at the table.

i'm awesome that way.

my tequila sunrise

have you ever had one of those days when you have so much to say and you can't get it to come out of your mouth? perhaps i've pickled my brain with tequila. maybe i've had so little sleep in the last couple of days my mind is just shutting down (come buy a car, get a smokin' deal!). it's possible i've had entirely too much caffiene (i can't tell you how much i've missed soda, oh my goodness). i'm just really fidgety, can't complete a thought, having trouble completing a sentence and my spelling sucks. wth?

and btw, the spell checker is *still* broken.

so thursday night was the night i stopped taking ambien. instead, i thought i'd bridge the gap with advil pm. "fast acting, long lasting - fall asleep fast, stay asleep longer." the bottle says no more than two in a 24-hour period - any rational person would assume that taking two is going to knock your ass out for at least 14 hours, allowing for deep, comfortable, restful sleep. at 8:30, i take two, i lie down, i experience a bit of dizziness not unlike a really good beer buzz and i pass out at about 11 pm. two hours and 39 minutes later, my eyes pop open and i'm awake for the day. wtf? two hours and 39 minutes is long lasting? i'm staying asleep longer? those people making advil pm are a bunch of lying motherfuckers and i want a damn refund.

sleep tally: thursday - 2 hours, 39 minutes.

friday, yesterday, i worked. it was a crazy day; went by fast. spent a lot of time stressing about going out and a potential run in with the bee. i was advised by my mom to confront it head on, go out, do what i want to do and if i see him, let it run its course. i think the actual conversation actually included the phrase, "...let him get drunk and get in a fight and get thrown out of the bar. let him try to take a swing at you, the stupid motherfucker..." or something to that effect. i decided to confront it not head on, but from a little bit of an angle instead. i warmed up by sitting at nigel's house and watching the spongebob movie with her and the kids. (it's actually a cute flick. a little predictable, but being able to predict the plot of a cartoon movie for 7-year-olds doesn't hardly make me a rocket scientist.) nigel and i then went to dinner, sat at a local restaurant for a couple hours, eating nachos and drinking tequila sunrises and just talking.

first off - i haven't spent time with nigel's kids in months. when you get into a relationship, well, when i get into a relationship my friendships always tend to suffer. its always been that way. its a bit of a combination of choosing guys that my friends don't really get along with and choosing the guy over my friends, which i should know by now never works out. my friends know me well enough that i really should trust their judgement more often. but i get so caught up in the new relationship feeling - that exciting, mysterious, butterfly, is-he-ever-going-to-call feeling - that i end up choosing the chase of the new over the existing and solid friendship. but friends being friends, they take me back, faults and all, dust me off after i've been knocked around and help me do it all over again - hopefully just a little smarter the next time.

where in the hell was i going with this? nigel's kids. i've been kind of worried that i'm going to resent people with kids. (sort of a big worry, since i'm spending nearly the next three weeks with my best friend who has a tribe of them.) i decided last night to stop over at nigel's house - i haven't been there in forever. i called to make sure they were home and walked in the door, and they instantly were screaming my name, wanting to show me video games and toys and talk and it felt so good. i just got this warm feeling inside, like you know when you've been missed. they'd missed me and i had honestly missed them. that was a good decision. and i'm no longer worrying about hanging out with kids.

second, nigel and i have had some tough times recently. i have been such an emotional and hormonal disaster that i haven't been able to communicate clearly with anyone. and because of my relationship with the bee, my relationship with nigel has suffered. she was a (silent) nay-sayer but supportive of me because that's what friends do. dinner and drinks and talking and laughing was amazing and so freeing and i can tell her anything about anything and she doesn't judge but she doesn't hold back. i've only known a few people in my life like this; she really is an incredible friend. we had a great time.

after dinner we decided to go out to the bar. (a bar that the bee has already been kicked out of, lol. no worries there.) and i saw all the people that i've been wanting to see, with the exception of one, and had all the conversations i needed to have and it was great. it was exactly what i needed. there was no pressure to be or say or do anything and it was perfect. no drama, no setbacks, i feel so much better today. and while i'm still not ready to take on a drunken bee, i'm not afraid to show my face in public. because the people that care about me know what's happened and they know the truth and they know i'm hurting and they know that just by being there and being normal, they're helping me cope. i have great friends.

people continue to surprise me. maybe i underestimate them. i spent the majority of the time spent out last night talking to an old "friend" from high school. well, i should clarify that - friend isn't really the right word. he had a crowd, i had a crowd and the crowds didn't mix. in fact, we were both under the impression that we couldn't stand each other when really we didn't give each other a lot of thought. so the term "friend" is applied loosely. but we last night we talked and talked and talked. and i learned that he's actually a pretty sincere conversationalist. we talked about the loss of his father, his wife and his grandfather. we talked about the loss of my baby and demise of the bee. we talked about mutual friends and our families. i wasn't really able to drive home, so he drove me back to corydon and we ended up sitting in his basement until the wee hours of the morning. and for having skinny lips, he's not a bad kisser.

in fact, he's kind of cute. we might be able to hang out if we were both able to check our egos at the door. but i've said it before and i'll say it again - the best way to get over a boy is to get under a new one.

and i wonder why my intimate relationships are all so demented.

while i was locking lips with one of wayne county's finest (can i pick 'em or what?!), my mom was up stressing, because that's what moms do, and especially my mom. i sent her a text at 345 in the morning and she called me right up. which was actually pretty handy, because it turned out i was making wrong turns out in bfe gravel road hell and she had to google my location and give me directions home.

it didn't take much to pickle my brain, i'm telling you.

i got home around 4, went to bed and fell asleep about 5. back up at 7 to be at work this morning. i'm not complaining - i'm not feeling nearly as bad as nigel, and i didn't even pull the classic janel "let's get to know each other, let me puke all over your house" introductory move last night. life is good.

sleep tally: friday night - 2 hours

oh yeah.

we're preparing for another blizzard here in southern iowa. which is fucking awesome. we love snow. once again, in the words of the great michael scott: "reverse psychology is an awesome tool, i don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. works like a charm."

word.

not itchy or scratchy but no flowers either

why can't they fix the spell check? i'm 28 years old and i just learned yesterday that there is no "D" in refrigerator. obviously, i need a spell check.

it's vd. but not of the itchy-variety (thanks, vt friend), its vd of the mushy, fluffy, flowers and cards and chocolates and diamonds variety. little do all those poor bastards know that all that crap goes on clearance tomorrow - flowers die, cards are purchased by girlfriends for girlfriends and chocolates do go straight to your hips. nope, i'm not bitter.

well, maybe a little. but telling me you considered buying me flowers and actually buying me flowers are NOT the same thing and you know it.

actually, today being vd didn't bother me much. and that's because i've been working all day. apply that term loosely, because i haven't really done much. but i've been out of the house and among people and until it got dark, my spirits were high. until flowers were delivered for someone else, i didn't give it much thought. but i have to tell you, i have a serious urge to pick all the petals off and stomp them into the carpet. i'm just not in the mood for romance. all y'all lovebirds can just suck it.

i guess i'm better off than i was a year ago, if you stop and think about it. a year ago i was getting slapped around by a big gay drama queen (and i do mean queen) in a shit hole of a bar in east dubuque. i spent the next evening at the police station. i don't miss that drama. i considered telling the ex-roommate happy birthday (his birthday is tomorrow) but i saw him on myspace and he looks like holy crizzap and while i think that all people deserve to be told happy birthday (especially me), even those that look like holy crizzap, i just don't want to get embroiled in the drama that goes along with telling him happy birthday. i guess you'd have to know him to know what i mean. so i'm going to avoid that whole scene and just keep my mouth shut. i don't need the brouhaha that goes along with that scene.

is shit hole one word or two?

just a few more days until i leave for charlotte. i can't even tell you how much i'm looking forward to that. i was talking to libbeth today about what we're going to do while i'm there. beyond the basics (lots of eating), i want to look for work and for a graduate program. uncc has a sports marketing and management program that sounds amazing - but highly selective. i'd love to look into that but i hate the idea of out-of-state tuition. libbeth asked what my plan was - the one that didn't involve ice cubes, a nine iron, or a buffalo (live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake...) - and i guess it's just to figure it out as i go. i don't really know what i'm doing right now, although i feel like i'd do just about anything to get away from here right now. i've been advised not to make any life changing decisions but that's kind of hard when you've got nothing planned. i mean, the decisions i'm making right now are changing my life everyday and they're pretty small and insignificant - get out of bed or stay in? blue hoodie or blue fleece? i'd mockingly tell you that it's hard to be me but lately it kind of is. :(

i'm supposed to go out with nigel tomorrow night. feeling like i'm feeling right now i'm not really up to it. maybe tomorrow night will be different. my attitude towards drinking in the city of chariton has changed; it doesn't sound as entertaining as it used to. it's not necessarily the company - i love nigel and i love allison, but i just don't know if i'm ready for the public, you know? maybe i should just take it easy this weekend. why doesn't she want to go rollerskating like every other friday night?

i should have about 8 hours of csi: miami to watch, which is good because i'm probably going to need it. i'm feeling a little anxious; i've decided that this is the night i'm going to stop taking ambien to help me sleep. i'll probably be up all night watching david caruso deliver really cheesy one-liners and listening to the who scream about how they're won't get fooled again. i apparently missed like a whole season somewhere - frank is bald, ryan works for the other side and callie is wearing her hair down. wtf is going on in miami? i tried tivo-ing csi: miami and csi: new york at the same time last night but mom the tivo police caught me and made me choose. which was funny because she was asleep at the time that they would have recorded. but whatever. i can't watch lieutenant dan clean up crime in new york. not without his new legs. its just too weird.

i have an appointment with the therapist tomorrow morning. she's nice. i'll probably go get my mail and feed my fish too. my poor fish. did i tell you he lost his moustache? i bought that fish because he looked like hitler. and the idea of a fish that looked like hitler but named fluffy was just hilarious to me - in fact, just the idea of a fish named fluffy is still pretty freaking funny. but if you're a goldfish aficionado, you know that as goldfish age they sometimes change color. especially black spots on goldfish. so my orange goldie that once had a black moustache now looks as though he's shaved. and that cracks me up. but facial hair or no, he's probably hungry. so i'll go feed him tomorrow.

small time goals. but good to have something to do. i'm outta here. thanks for looking in on me. i'm doing okay; i'm still here. :)

the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves

i had the biggest realization today. i was driving home from my dad's house and thinking about things, like i tend to do, and my mind was just wandering from topic to topic, person to person. and i came to think about someone i think about a lot, someone i've thought about for a long time. and it dawned on me - 99 percent of the time i was with the bee, i couldn't stand him.

he made me crazy. he embarassed me, he angered me, he bored me - and when i was with him, i was thinking about other people. about three weeks ago, i made a list while i was trying to make a decision, a list of things i liked and things i didn't like. and that list was so far off balance, it made me feel bad for writing it. i'm not going to post it here - you already know he's not perfect, you don't need to know specific faults (at least not now) but it's not a positive thing. and instead of making a decision i knew had to be made, i stuck it out for another week and tried to make it work.

i told him i loved him in reply; about six weeks into our "relationship." at that point, i was still seeing someone else. i don't think i ever really loved the bee. i cared about him but it was never love. i was never completely faithful to the bee - if i found that someone was doing to me what i was doing to him, i'd never forgive them. but it never felt like cheating because it felt like a game. omg, what an awful thing to say.

maybe i stuck it out because he cared about me, or said he did. maybe i felt like he was a project, someone i could make into the perfect boyfriend. maybe i did it because i knew no one cared for him - none of my friends, none of my family - and i wanted to prove them wrong. and that's where i go wrong. when i force things to work, when i force things in my life, they go wrong. my mom once told me that the harder i push for the things that aren't right and the things that aren't meant to be, the harder life will push back at me and the more difficult things will be. i couldn't see it before but that is so right.

i knew from the beginning that this wasn't right - the circumstances under which we became a couple were embarassing to me, he wasn't right for me, it wasn't working for either of us - but i pushed and pushed until i got what i thought i wanted. and i wanted someone, anyone, to fill that void. and when i thought i needed a baby, i pushed that too. and none of it was right - for me, for the time.

i don't need to grieve for the bee or for that relationship - that was doomed from the very beginning. deep down i know that and i've known that for a long time. it wasn't healthy, it wasn't good and everyone around me could see it except for me. i don't need him - he was never there for me, he never understood me, he never had the same goals as i do, he wasn't really the person i wanted to be with. i know that. i don't need him in my life to be happy. i don't really know what i need; i just know it isn't him.

that is such a liberating statement. i probably won't feel the same way tomorrow, but this is progress, right? right. i'm going to go do laundry and eat cookies. lunch at my dad's house was gross, as always. but i took my own can of soda so i didn't have to look in their refrigerator, thank god.

thanks for checking in on me. i do appreciate it. :)

and again...

i'm going to have to stop using ambien to sleep at night. it's becoming all too easy to get that anxious feeling when it gets dark, come downstairs and take a pill and then just wait for my eyelids to get so heavy i can't bear to stay awake any longer. i don't know if i can fall asleep on my own anymore - i don't know if i can stay asleep on my own anymore. i should probably try before i get far away from home and my doctor and unable to function. i feel like i should conserve the few i have left for really sleepless nights; i'm sure there will be some.

i don't feel as desperate this morning. i just feel a little numb. some of that may be medicine. i'm upping some dosages and starting new ones altogether and my vision has been blurry for about 20 minutes after waking for the last couple days. i'm not sure what that is about but like i said, desperation is down and calmness is up, so i'll take it.

i went to the doctor yesterday and she had no magic solutions, no amazing words of wisdom. all she could do was medically affirm my decision and tell me that i had the best doctor in the world to help me through this with my perinatologist. she told me (like my mom and my counselor and the nurses) that dr. mahone would not have conducted such a procedure if she thought there was a chance for my baby. she cried for me and with me and hugged me and then she told me that it's okay to see this as an opportunity to make my life better and to get ready for a baby in the future. and that seems to be my biggest struggle right now: guilt associated with moving on, with being happy, an overall sense of sadness and loss. i suppose that gets better with time, that's what i'm told. i'm just really raw right now - nothing comes out right and i'm sort of insensitive to everyone around me. i feel like everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it and yet its the only thing i can think about. that gets better too, right?

i'm noticing small moments of normalcy: a passage in a book that makes me laugh, an exchange with my brother that makes me giggle, stressing over my skin, being able to eat dinner and spend time by myself. all signs that i'm surviving and breathing and carrying on.

i'm going to go have my taxes done this afternoon. my nice but weird stepmom is an accountant and she's done them for me in the past and has offered to do them again. my dad has been bugging me to come out and see him so i'll take the afternoon to spend with them. it always feels like such a chore - isn't that an awful thing to say? they're weird, they eat weird food and say weird things and keep weird things in their refrigerator (uncovered! it's so disgusting!) but it's my dad.

so i'm going to get cleaned up and go get gas and go have weird food for lunch. wish me luck.

thanks for checking in on me.

one foot in front of the other

i talked to a counselor yesterday. it helped to just talk, just to tell someone new, someone not related to the situation. she had some good ideas, some ways to cope that i hadn't thought of. oddly, she's experienced something very similar. she lost a baby at 11 weeks but in her case, she had to labor and deliver. and when i think about that, i realize that i'm lucky to not have had to go through anything like that.

i told her what happened - the whole story, from last november to yesterday. i told her the things that i'm not so proud of and i told her the truth about the bee. i was honest about how i felt - the guilt and the fear and the loneliness and how i missed the feeling of the baby with me. she said it's normal. crying is normal and guilt is normal and fear and loneliness and desperation are normal. which is good, because i'm feeling all those things and all sorts of things i can't even explain.

she said it was good that i want to remember. she said she recommends writing it all down, all the details because someday i'll want to remember. i like the idea of that - it's like giving it away to go back to at another time. i'm afraid that over time i won't remember how i felt - how scared and excited and terrified and happy i felt when i took that pregnancy test, or how proud i felt when i saw the very first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat for the first time. i'm terrified i won't remember how hopeful i was for baby's future and my own and i'm scared to think that i may never get to feel that way again. i don't want to forget how i felt the day i found out baby was sick; i don't ever want to take things for granted again. and i'm afraid that healing will smooth over the edges and make me forget how amazing the whole experience was and what i learned about myself in the process.

and maybe that is why i don't want to get out of bed in the morning and i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. maybe i'm afraid that getting back into a day to day life will make me forget. and i don't ever want to forget.

at the same time, i do know that i can't lie in bed forever. and i can't continue to ignore the world around me; it keeps going whether or not i'm ready - i don't have any choice. the choice i do have is deciding what kind of day i'm going to have - i can choose to cry in the morning and then get up and find some semblance of a routine, i can choose to have a particularly bad day or a decent one. every day starts with a choice just like that one. they're little decisions but they feel enormous when i don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

one thing she said that i found especially comforting was the idea that this time just wasn't right for baby. and instead of being born right now, he's in heaven, waiting for a better time. she said she coped with the death of her own baby by thinking that at another time in the future she'd get to meet him and get to realize the joy of being that baby's mother. and maybe that's true, who knows. maybe it's the same soul that is born into a baby later in life. maybe i will get to meet this amazing little person that i've become so attached to and wonder about.

i still feel like i'm not meeting people's expectations, like i'm not progressing enough or don't show the outward emotions of anger and hurt towards people that have been harmful in this situation. honestly, i am angry and i am hurt and i would like to kick him in his stupid fat head for being so insenstive and uncompassionate and such an asshole. i would love to scream and yell and carry on and tell him exactly what i think. but its not important enough right now to get riled up about, really. i can't change the way he feels or the way he thinks or what he wants to tell people - i can only deal with me. and i think it's more important right now to work on the way that i feel and what i think and how i want to project this to the outside world and find out who i am and what i want to be right now.

because it is a terrible thing - it's a terrible loss and it's not right and it's not fair. but it has also left me with an incredible opportunity and a second chance. i say that because now i know that i do want children, i want to experience being a mother and all the joy and sadness that goes with it. but i have the opportunity and the chance to do it right - with someone that i love and someone that loves me. and it won't be as stressful and scary because it will be right. i've been given the chance to discover who i am - alone - and i what i want in my life. the slate is clean at this point - i don't have anything to hold me back or hold me down. and while i would give anything to go back - to have a healthy baby and to hold on to that dream, that amazing little person - i can see that it wasn't meant to be. it breaks my heart, knowing that; it literally hurts my body to know that it wasn't meant to be. but my baby isn't suffering and won't suffer and there is some comfort in that.

is it wrong to think of this as a starting point? am i being selfish to think that i've been given another chance, to make my life right for a baby in the future, to make my life right for me? i hope not.

i'm going to try to see my doctor today. i love my doctor; i was her very first patient when she was just starting out almost seven years ago. she's amazing, she understands me and knows what i need even when i don't. that's hard to find. and i have some phone calls to make and some little things to do. anything to keep me busy, i guess. i leave for charlotte in a few days and i have to find my suitcase and figure out packing and all that crap. i'm really looking forward to my trip; i'm looking forward to getting into someone else's routine and having the hubbub of a busy house.

i'm going to go make phone calls. thanks for checking in on me.

help?

i feel such an intense amount of guilt i can't even function. i can't believe the events that have transpired in the last week are even true. i keep waiting to wake up and find that none of its real. because it doesn't feel real. and it doesn't feel right. i'm disappointing people. i'm supposed to be able to work through this, i'm supposed to be strong and apparently i'm not supposed to cry. i'm told that my feelings are irrational and that i know better than to believe that i'm guilty in any of this. and maybe that's true. except that i have a hole in my body and in my heart that's only there because of a decision i made. i can't stop hearing the doctor tell me that there is a one in a million chance that my baby would have been fine. it's all i hear, it's all i can think about. what if i didn't make the right decision? what if it would have been fine? how selfish am i to think that i was doing the right thing? that's not a decision for me or for anyone to make. and i feel like i'm being punished for it. i literally cannot stop crying. my eyes are bruised and red and i can't breathe. i feel like i'm being suffocated and i can't make it stop. i didn't know, i had no idea, that i would feel this way. and i want it to stop. i just want my baby back. i want another chance. i would give anything to make this all just go away. i just want another chance.

i've made all the phone calls i'm supposed to make in asking for help. the doctor's office refers to an outside office that apparently isn't finding my needs too urgent; i've been waiting since friday afternoon. i don't know where else to turn. my mom is exasperated with the entire situation and me and feels that i'm being dramatic. i can't make her understand that i don't know how to make it stop. i can't turn it off and i can't make it go away. i can't shelve it for later, which is what she keeps recommending. this isn't going away. i don't know what to do.

there used to be something else here

but it didn't feel right. it's still my birthday but now instead of feeling like being silly i'm just sad. i'm not sure what happened; something just clicked in my head and i just feel like crying. i'm not feeling well, i'm sort of crampy and bleeding. maybe that has something to do with it. i guess i shouldn't have assumed that one good afternoon means that all is well. i feel so alone in my body at this very moment, i can hardly breathe.

i'm going to go home and go to bed.

hey, hey, its my birthday

i'm old. i'm 30 minus two. if libbeth lived around here, i'd spend the next three days beating her up because i'm older than she is and because i'm a bully. cyber-bullying isn't quite the same and i hear that you can actually be prosecuted for that anyway. that, and since she's all preggo and stuff, i'd kind of feel bad.

anyway. i'm old. my mom and my brother took me to lunch to today and reminded me that my 10-year high school reunion will be this year and won't i want to go? oh hell no. i didn't like any of those fools when i was in school, why in the hell would i want to go hang out with them when i'm not in school? there are a few people i can stand from school, i guess i don't hate them all. but it still doesn't sound like a good time.

i'm glad to have court over with and done. i didn't realize what a relief that would be, just getting it behind me. the trip up was kind of scary in spots, it took the better part of two and a half hours to make what's usually an hour long trip. but if there's a bright side, i got to eat at long john silver's, which i'd never done before. i think the reason i'd never eaten there is because long john silver's always makes me think of clarence thomas and i don't like it when my fish and/or shrimp makes me think of a black judge's dick. in fact, i don't like much food that makes me think of dick. i like to keep my dick and my food separate, thanks.

and now that we have that settled...

saturday the fam and nigel and snackmaster bob are taking me to red lobster. it may be my foray back into drinking, because i like lobster and i like margaritas and a lobsterita may be just what i need. especially since it comes with beads and a big ol' lobster necklace and i like beads and necklaces. wearing lobster around one's neck is not the best way to get the boys to come-a-running but that's not really my goal, currently. i think i've had enough of boys for a while although it could be just boys named nick, i'm not sure.

i don't have the heart to tell you what happened with the bee. not right now anyway. i can just tell you it wasn't good. i'm still a little sick over the whole thing. but i've always heard that the best way to get over a boy is to get under a new one. or something like that.

i'm going to go have cake now. i heart cake. and this time i cut out my whole damn name and i'm going to eat it all. pictures to come.

love,
thebirthdayjanel

carrying on

i guess i can breathe a sigh of relief. my procedures are over and my body is recuperating nicely. not a lot of bleeding, no cramping so far - just the occasional pang in my lower back and a nice sore throat from having a breathing tube inserted. i can't tell you the same things about my mind - mentally, i'm sort of messy and my heart just hurts today. i feel as though i've done a fair share of the grieving that goes along with this, and while its far from over, i do feel some relief in that its over. no more waiting, no more wondering, no more second guessing a decision that's already been made.

i'm not claiming to be over it - i know i have a long way to go in order to fully recover. but i'm in a better place than i was just a couple of days ago.

a lot of the relief i feel comes from the support and love i've received from my family and friends. i've never doubted that they loved me or cared for me, but the outpouring of support i've had in the last few weeks, from people i've known all my life to people i've known only for a short time, has been amazing. i haven't encountered one judgemental person in all this turmoil, and for that i feel lucky.

i know i made the right decision. i know in my mind and i know in my heart. i can't tell you i feel good about it, but i feel good knowing that there is not going to be any sufferering for my baby. i will always remember and i will always wonder, but he's in a better place now and eventually i'll get to meet him. and that is a very reassuring and comforting thought.

and today, that's all i have to say about that.

life continues in spite of itself, you know? today my stepdad and i have to once again go to the big city. thankfully, it has nothing to do with anyone's health. i have a court hearing that i absolutely cannot escape this afternoon. my attorney said that hearings would continue through world war three and nuclear war. i guess that means i have to go. so mark and i will get back in the van (i'm starting to not love the van so much anymore) and trek through the 14 inches of snow that has fallen overnight to my five-minute hearing and then trek home in the same 14 inches because it's blowing so bad the plows can't keep up. woo-fucking-hoo...

i had to take my nose ring out yesterday. if i get it done again (and i'm thinking about it) it will be for the 7th time. hmm...

in 13 days i'm leaving for charlotte for a few weeks to visit one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. this is something i'm really looking forward to. i think i need to make some life changes, consider some options and see what the world has to offer. maybe charlotte is a good place to start. i worry that i'll overstay my welcome by staying so long - libbeth is hugely pregnant with her fourth baby and has a family and a husband to consider. the last thing i want is to be in the way. i have to admit, i'm sort of using some of my trip as a therapy retreat. i can't escape pregnant people or babies, so i'm going to immerse myself in someone else's pregnancy and babies and just deal with what i've been dealt. there's no better way to get through my own grief than to work through it. and i love her and her kids and her husband so much, i can't think of a healthier way to solve my own issues.

i think we're getting ready to go. mark is concerned about the roads and the weather, and with good reason. the radar is awesome looking - blues and greens and reds and pinks. i love weather. i should have been a meterologist. maybe i'll go back to school soon.