13 February 2008

the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves

i had the biggest realization today. i was driving home from my dad's house and thinking about things, like i tend to do, and my mind was just wandering from topic to topic, person to person. and i came to think about someone i think about a lot, someone i've thought about for a long time. and it dawned on me - 99 percent of the time i was with the bee, i couldn't stand him.

he made me crazy. he embarassed me, he angered me, he bored me - and when i was with him, i was thinking about other people. about three weeks ago, i made a list while i was trying to make a decision, a list of things i liked and things i didn't like. and that list was so far off balance, it made me feel bad for writing it. i'm not going to post it here - you already know he's not perfect, you don't need to know specific faults (at least not now) but it's not a positive thing. and instead of making a decision i knew had to be made, i stuck it out for another week and tried to make it work.

i told him i loved him in reply; about six weeks into our "relationship." at that point, i was still seeing someone else. i don't think i ever really loved the bee. i cared about him but it was never love. i was never completely faithful to the bee - if i found that someone was doing to me what i was doing to him, i'd never forgive them. but it never felt like cheating because it felt like a game. omg, what an awful thing to say.

maybe i stuck it out because he cared about me, or said he did. maybe i felt like he was a project, someone i could make into the perfect boyfriend. maybe i did it because i knew no one cared for him - none of my friends, none of my family - and i wanted to prove them wrong. and that's where i go wrong. when i force things to work, when i force things in my life, they go wrong. my mom once told me that the harder i push for the things that aren't right and the things that aren't meant to be, the harder life will push back at me and the more difficult things will be. i couldn't see it before but that is so right.

i knew from the beginning that this wasn't right - the circumstances under which we became a couple were embarassing to me, he wasn't right for me, it wasn't working for either of us - but i pushed and pushed until i got what i thought i wanted. and i wanted someone, anyone, to fill that void. and when i thought i needed a baby, i pushed that too. and none of it was right - for me, for the time.

i don't need to grieve for the bee or for that relationship - that was doomed from the very beginning. deep down i know that and i've known that for a long time. it wasn't healthy, it wasn't good and everyone around me could see it except for me. i don't need him - he was never there for me, he never understood me, he never had the same goals as i do, he wasn't really the person i wanted to be with. i know that. i don't need him in my life to be happy. i don't really know what i need; i just know it isn't him.

that is such a liberating statement. i probably won't feel the same way tomorrow, but this is progress, right? right. i'm going to go do laundry and eat cookies. lunch at my dad's house was gross, as always. but i took my own can of soda so i didn't have to look in their refrigerator, thank god.

thanks for checking in on me. i do appreciate it. :)

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