and again...

i'm going to have to stop using ambien to sleep at night. it's becoming all too easy to get that anxious feeling when it gets dark, come downstairs and take a pill and then just wait for my eyelids to get so heavy i can't bear to stay awake any longer. i don't know if i can fall asleep on my own anymore - i don't know if i can stay asleep on my own anymore. i should probably try before i get far away from home and my doctor and unable to function. i feel like i should conserve the few i have left for really sleepless nights; i'm sure there will be some.

i don't feel as desperate this morning. i just feel a little numb. some of that may be medicine. i'm upping some dosages and starting new ones altogether and my vision has been blurry for about 20 minutes after waking for the last couple days. i'm not sure what that is about but like i said, desperation is down and calmness is up, so i'll take it.

i went to the doctor yesterday and she had no magic solutions, no amazing words of wisdom. all she could do was medically affirm my decision and tell me that i had the best doctor in the world to help me through this with my perinatologist. she told me (like my mom and my counselor and the nurses) that dr. mahone would not have conducted such a procedure if she thought there was a chance for my baby. she cried for me and with me and hugged me and then she told me that it's okay to see this as an opportunity to make my life better and to get ready for a baby in the future. and that seems to be my biggest struggle right now: guilt associated with moving on, with being happy, an overall sense of sadness and loss. i suppose that gets better with time, that's what i'm told. i'm just really raw right now - nothing comes out right and i'm sort of insensitive to everyone around me. i feel like everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it and yet its the only thing i can think about. that gets better too, right?

i'm noticing small moments of normalcy: a passage in a book that makes me laugh, an exchange with my brother that makes me giggle, stressing over my skin, being able to eat dinner and spend time by myself. all signs that i'm surviving and breathing and carrying on.

i'm going to go have my taxes done this afternoon. my nice but weird stepmom is an accountant and she's done them for me in the past and has offered to do them again. my dad has been bugging me to come out and see him so i'll take the afternoon to spend with them. it always feels like such a chore - isn't that an awful thing to say? they're weird, they eat weird food and say weird things and keep weird things in their refrigerator (uncovered! it's so disgusting!) but it's my dad.

so i'm going to get cleaned up and go get gas and go have weird food for lunch. wish me luck.

thanks for checking in on me.