have you ever had one of those days when you have so much to say and you can't get it to come out of your mouth? perhaps i've pickled my brain with tequila. maybe i've had so little sleep in the last couple of days my mind is just shutting down (come buy a car, get a smokin' deal!). it's possible i've had entirely too much caffiene (i can't tell you how much i've missed soda, oh my goodness). i'm just really fidgety, can't complete a thought, having trouble completing a sentence and my spelling sucks. wth?
and btw, the spell checker is *still* broken.
so thursday night was the night i stopped taking ambien. instead, i thought i'd bridge the gap with advil pm. "fast acting, long lasting - fall asleep fast, stay asleep longer." the bottle says no more than two in a 24-hour period - any rational person would assume that taking two is going to knock your ass out for at least 14 hours, allowing for deep, comfortable, restful sleep. at 8:30, i take two, i lie down, i experience a bit of dizziness not unlike a really good beer buzz and i pass out at about 11 pm. two hours and 39 minutes later, my eyes pop open and i'm awake for the day. wtf? two hours and 39 minutes is long lasting? i'm staying asleep longer? those people making advil pm are a bunch of lying motherfuckers and i want a damn refund.
sleep tally: thursday - 2 hours, 39 minutes.
friday, yesterday, i worked. it was a crazy day; went by fast. spent a lot of time stressing about going out and a potential run in with the bee. i was advised by my mom to confront it head on, go out, do what i want to do and if i see him, let it run its course. i think the actual conversation actually included the phrase, "...let him get drunk and get in a fight and get thrown out of the bar. let him try to take a swing at you, the stupid motherfucker..." or something to that effect. i decided to confront it not head on, but from a little bit of an angle instead. i warmed up by sitting at nigel's house and watching the spongebob movie with her and the kids. (it's actually a cute flick. a little predictable, but being able to predict the plot of a cartoon movie for 7-year-olds doesn't hardly make me a rocket scientist.) nigel and i then went to dinner, sat at a local restaurant for a couple hours, eating nachos and drinking tequila sunrises and just talking.
first off - i haven't spent time with nigel's kids in months. when you get into a relationship, well, when i get into a relationship my friendships always tend to suffer. its always been that way. its a bit of a combination of choosing guys that my friends don't really get along with and choosing the guy over my friends, which i should know by now never works out. my friends know me well enough that i really should trust their judgement more often. but i get so caught up in the new relationship feeling - that exciting, mysterious, butterfly, is-he-ever-going-to-call feeling - that i end up choosing the chase of the new over the existing and solid friendship. but friends being friends, they take me back, faults and all, dust me off after i've been knocked around and help me do it all over again - hopefully just a little smarter the next time.
where in the hell was i going with this? nigel's kids. i've been kind of worried that i'm going to resent people with kids. (sort of a big worry, since i'm spending nearly the next three weeks with my best friend who has a tribe of them.) i decided last night to stop over at nigel's house - i haven't been there in forever. i called to make sure they were home and walked in the door, and they instantly were screaming my name, wanting to show me video games and toys and talk and it felt so good. i just got this warm feeling inside, like you know when you've been missed. they'd missed me and i had honestly missed them. that was a good decision. and i'm no longer worrying about hanging out with kids.
second, nigel and i have had some tough times recently. i have been such an emotional and hormonal disaster that i haven't been able to communicate clearly with anyone. and because of my relationship with the bee, my relationship with nigel has suffered. she was a (silent) nay-sayer but supportive of me because that's what friends do. dinner and drinks and talking and laughing was amazing and so freeing and i can tell her anything about anything and she doesn't judge but she doesn't hold back. i've only known a few people in my life like this; she really is an incredible friend. we had a great time.
after dinner we decided to go out to the bar. (a bar that the bee has already been kicked out of, lol. no worries there.) and i saw all the people that i've been wanting to see, with the exception of one, and had all the conversations i needed to have and it was great. it was exactly what i needed. there was no pressure to be or say or do anything and it was perfect. no drama, no setbacks, i feel so much better today. and while i'm still not ready to take on a drunken bee, i'm not afraid to show my face in public. because the people that care about me know what's happened and they know the truth and they know i'm hurting and they know that just by being there and being normal, they're helping me cope. i have great friends.
people continue to surprise me. maybe i underestimate them. i spent the majority of the time spent out last night talking to an old "friend" from high school. well, i should clarify that - friend isn't really the right word. he had a crowd, i had a crowd and the crowds didn't mix. in fact, we were both under the impression that we couldn't stand each other when really we didn't give each other a lot of thought. so the term "friend" is applied loosely. but we last night we talked and talked and talked. and i learned that he's actually a pretty sincere conversationalist. we talked about the loss of his father, his wife and his grandfather. we talked about the loss of my baby and demise of the bee. we talked about mutual friends and our families. i wasn't really able to drive home, so he drove me back to corydon and we ended up sitting in his basement until the wee hours of the morning. and for having skinny lips, he's not a bad kisser.
in fact, he's kind of cute. we might be able to hang out if we were both able to check our egos at the door. but i've said it before and i'll say it again - the best way to get over a boy is to get under a new one.
and i wonder why my intimate relationships are all so demented.
while i was locking lips with one of wayne county's finest (can i pick 'em or what?!), my mom was up stressing, because that's what moms do, and especially my mom. i sent her a text at 345 in the morning and she called me right up. which was actually pretty handy, because it turned out i was making wrong turns out in bfe gravel road hell and she had to google my location and give me directions home.
it didn't take much to pickle my brain, i'm telling you.
i got home around 4, went to bed and fell asleep about 5. back up at 7 to be at work this morning. i'm not complaining - i'm not feeling nearly as bad as nigel, and i didn't even pull the classic janel "let's get to know each other, let me puke all over your house" introductory move last night. life is good.
sleep tally: friday night - 2 hours
we're preparing for another blizzard here in southern iowa. which is fucking awesome. we love snow. once again, in the words of the great michael scott: "reverse psychology is an awesome tool, i don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. works like a charm."