11 February 2008


i feel such an intense amount of guilt i can't even function. i can't believe the events that have transpired in the last week are even true. i keep waiting to wake up and find that none of its real. because it doesn't feel real. and it doesn't feel right. i'm disappointing people. i'm supposed to be able to work through this, i'm supposed to be strong and apparently i'm not supposed to cry. i'm told that my feelings are irrational and that i know better than to believe that i'm guilty in any of this. and maybe that's true. except that i have a hole in my body and in my heart that's only there because of a decision i made. i can't stop hearing the doctor tell me that there is a one in a million chance that my baby would have been fine. it's all i hear, it's all i can think about. what if i didn't make the right decision? what if it would have been fine? how selfish am i to think that i was doing the right thing? that's not a decision for me or for anyone to make. and i feel like i'm being punished for it. i literally cannot stop crying. my eyes are bruised and red and i can't breathe. i feel like i'm being suffocated and i can't make it stop. i didn't know, i had no idea, that i would feel this way. and i want it to stop. i just want my baby back. i want another chance. i would give anything to make this all just go away. i just want another chance.

i've made all the phone calls i'm supposed to make in asking for help. the doctor's office refers to an outside office that apparently isn't finding my needs too urgent; i've been waiting since friday afternoon. i don't know where else to turn. my mom is exasperated with the entire situation and me and feels that i'm being dramatic. i can't make her understand that i don't know how to make it stop. i can't turn it off and i can't make it go away. i can't shelve it for later, which is what she keeps recommending. this isn't going away. i don't know what to do.

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