i'm not eavesdropping, i have supersonic hearing

the bee and i had a late lunch at panera yesterday (and for anyone reading that *might* be a panera employee, it was the panera in [sp]ankeny and we need to coordinate on your schedule so i can get my bread stumps in a timely manner and we can all make the most of your employee discount...). but anyway. we were sitting at panera because even sick janel loves soup and bread and there was this adorable little family to the right of us - a mom and dad and two little girls. and the youngest was doing as young kids do, singing and talking loudly and trying to worm out of her seat. and you know what the mom turned to her and said?

(are you ready, because this cracks me up!)

"if you don't be good, i'm going to sell you to the gypsies."

what? for real? you just said that in public, lady? because that's awesome!

those are the kinds of things that kids remember when they're 28, almost 29-years-old. and those are the kinds of things they tell their friends after they're all grown up because they're so absurd and wrong (if not in a politically incorrect manner then just in a not-even-physically-possible manner) that they're just hilarious.

my mom was always telling me that "she brought me into this world and by god, she can take me out of it." yeah... NO. not without facing some serious consequences, lady. even as a kid, this used to make me giggle - long before i was aware of any legal consequences she might face but the idea of her trying to stuff me back in her tummy to take me out of this world was just funny to me.

and it still is.

my dad wasn't so much for empty threats. in fact, i don't remember my dad telling me anything really noteworthy over the years, beyond "don't wear purple shoes, they'll hurt your feet" or "save the whales: harpoon a fat chick." (i was in the 5th grade, you maroon! WTF?) i think my memories of my dad are a little warped.

now my grandma, my mom's mom? she was chock full of advice and quotes and other neat things that probably should have never been repeated outside of the house. like "a stiff penis has no conscience." that one has been in the family forever. she liked to give that advice before group dates and dances in the seventh grade.

nice, gram, thanks. now can you keep your voice down?

she was also known for "confucious say, man who stick hand in pocket feel silly. but man who stick two hands in pockets feel nuts." (you've got to imagine my grandma saying this with a fake asian accent. she did another accent too, a mexican accent, when she said that the only spanish she ever knew - or needed to know, thank you - "me llamo mickey." but she'd make this face and do this voice and "mickey" ended up sounding like "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeckey." and it used to make me laugh.)

another quotable grandma moment? "it's okay to prick your finger but it's not okay to finger your prick." my brothers are still laughing about that one.

ahh, those were the days.

my mom's dad always used to call us kids "maynard" - as in "good stuff, maynard." (i say that all the time to the dog.) but his wife, our crazy cheese-sending grandma dorothy, had trouble with the basics, like names. she knew my name but for years called my brothers "greg and gordon." (their names are actually craig and jordan, but hey, grandma gets points for trying, right?)

anyway. all this is neat and fun but i was sitting there yesterday listening to this woman scar her children with threats of roaming, nomadic gypsies and i couldn't help but wonder what baby wal-mart will remember of me and the weird things that i say. if he could talk right now, i know he'd come out of the womb screaming at the dog to get down and asking if he got all his potties out. i tend to have serious conversations with the dog - i can hold his attention longer than i can hold the bee's... usually. especially when i'm holding food, but that tends to work on the bee too, so who knows. all i can say is that it's hard being the only female in this house sometimes. but whatever, boo hoo...

but i digress. it's just fascinating to me that this little person will be molded by the things that i say and that i do. and sometimes that gives me the heebie jeebies. like we need another superjanel around...

low crap tolerance ahead

ever had one of those days where everything just sort of accumulated until you just couldn't take it anymore? did you ever just break down and get all emotional over every single little thing, even the stupid things, the unbelievable things and the downright absurd things? did your day ever turn into a night where you couldn't sleep at all, the events of the day just ran over and over in your head like a movie on a continuous loop - so bad you couldn't even sleep?

my day yesterday was like that. my night last night was like that. and so today i'm just zombie-ing my way through work and all the accompanying bs.

it wasn't anything new or even surprising, it was just a lot of crap all at once. and anymore i'm not even good at crap coming at me at a moderate pace.

i'm just frazzled about everything and i don't seem to have a lot of options for anything.

on to other topics...

baby wal-mart has been kicking the holy crap out of me lately. so much that last night i had a book balanced on my stomach and he kicked just under my belly button and made the whole book fall over. for real! i was shocked, i didn't think he was supposed to kick that hard already. i waited and watched as he moved his way up and down, back and forth - fascinating and freaky all at the same time. i thought maybe i was too chubby to see his movement from the outside but apparently that is not the case...

do you know anyone that wants to buy a giant maple entertainment center? it's sitting in my garage, lurking in my parking space. i have to park at an angle, which means i have to back out of the garage at an angle, which means pretty soon i'm going to take out our one tiny little tree in our tiny little "lawn" and we're going to be the only retards on the block with a smashed tree and it's all because of this stupid hunk of furniture in my way. i'm going to put it on craigslist this weekend; it needs to go away.

okay. i'm at work. i'm going to go be productive now. or not. i'm not sure yet.

do we really need 27 nipples?

get your minds out of the gutter...

it was a good day. i felt good today - i made pancakes for breakfast and the bee and i got some stuff done this morning. his mom was nice enough to send home about 8 huge garbage bags of his clothes - stuff that wasn't his, stuff that had never been worn, stuff that was his from the 8th grade, his high school football jerseys - all kinds of neat stuff. and after we sorted out the garbage and the stuff that needed to go to goodwill, the rest was carried upstairs so i could wash it. because i hate putting clothes of an unknown cleanliness status into the closet.

it's just one of the perks of being the janel...

then we went out and registered at target. oh buddy. that was a neat time. we got the "parent magazine approved" list of things you absolutely must have in order to raise a decent child (including the oh-so-necessary wipe warmer, wtf? who really needs that?) and the rockin' target scanner gun (which actually was kind of fun to use but i gave it to the bee because it looks like a gun and it has a scanning laser and therefore combines two things that all, or most, guys love: toy guns and lasers) and went to work.

but the point here is this: have any of you people been down the baby aisles at a big box store lately? we were at target but i imagine that it's pretty much the same at wal-mart or k-mart or where ever you happen to be. anyway. those aisles are lined with so much stuff - from bpa-free bottles to three levels of plastic nipples, some of which fit the 8 oz. bottles and others fitting the 4 oz. bottles, to surfboard playmats (which we did actually register for - it was cute, damn it) to teething rings shaped like people's heads (which we did not register for because i think it's weird to see a baby chewing on something that looks like a barbie face).

it's completely overwhelming. and most of that stuff is convenient, probably, but not really necessary for survival, you know?

that being said, i'm not saying that we weren't good first time parents and didn't register for all that crap anyway. because we like presents and we're americans - we like to have things that we don't necessarily need.

the most enlightening part of the entire trip was when the bee went to the bathroom and left me with the scanner gun and the list and the cart. i didn't think much about it until this couple walked by and i heard the lady comment on "how sad it is, that girl is all alone and pregnant and registering by herself..." i suppose that probably did look kind of sad. so i just browsed the baby clothes until the bee got back.

but we had a good time. and the bee picked out stuff he thought was fun and cute for little baby wal-mart. i was happy that he was at least interested. we thought about registering for a wii but didn't think that baby would put that to use for a while.

you can hold off on buying us a wii until his first birthday.

i'm hungry for girl scout cookies.

i'm writing from a hijacked internet connection. i thought i'd been riding the wireless connection of the neighbors that moved but apparently it's the neighbors across the hall that are hardly ever home. whatever, i don't really care. thanks to who ever it is. (who? whom? i don't know.)

so it's christmas week and my mood is great. no, seriously. i have so much to be happy about right now, i'm just trying to enjoy it all.

the bee and i are still so excited about the news we got last week about baby wal-mart - i feel like it's okay to be happy about being pregnant. i feel like i've been holding my breath for the last two months and finally, it's okay to breathe again. the perinatologist said that everything looks great and that we're having a healthy (and handsome!) baby boy and there is no reason to continue to see the specialists - apparently i'm not high risk anymore and that's okay with me.

i think this has given the bee an immense amount of relief. i know he was upset and scared at the possibility of a special needs child, not that he ever wanted to talk about it. but since learning that things seem to be okay, he's been happier, more open and more interested in the baby. and in me. and that's okay with me too.

this last weekend, despite awful, horrible weather, we made it to the quad cities for a small family christmas get-together and a (huge and absolutely inspiring) christmas program put on by the church i grew up in and would love to get back to if we ever moved back to the area. (podcasts just aren't the same but they are kind of helpful.) but the weather was horrific - snow and black ice and 40-mph winds - we're lucky we had 4wd to get us there and back. and the bee is a pretty safe driver, so i slept most of the way home even though he reportedly white-knuckled the steering wheel for about three hours. but we made it home safe and sound and found that the dog hadn't even messed in his kennel (although he did pee for about three minutes straight once he finally got out side, the poor thing.)

i talked to our new landlord tonight and made arrangements to move in this weekend. we're moving to a great townhome in ankeny - it's about six miles from here to the east and a little bit north. we're going from one bedroom/one bath and about 700 square feet to two bedrooms/two baths and a two-car (attached! yay!) garage and about 1300 square feet for almost exactly what we're already paying.

(thank you craigslist!)

we spent all day yesterday packing - well, i packed boxes and the bee moved them around into various piles under my directions. this is his first time moving like, ever - for real! how do you get to be 24 years old and never have moved in your entire life? i think i've moved probably 24 different times and i'm pretty sure i have a brother and a step-dad that can attest to that. (poor guys. they'll be happy to know we're signing a year-long lease so they'll have a few months to unpack their gunny sacks... i don't really know what that means but mark has always said that.) but it's almost too bad for him that his first real moving experience has to be with me. if you think that i'm anal retentive in everyday activity, you should see me in moving mode. oh wow. stand back. not only do i want things done my way, i want them done yesterday and i want it all unpacked right now. it's probably a blessing that i'm preggo and won't be able to stay up all night unpacking. plus, we're moving in between the holidays and that gives me time off from work to get things done.

christmas is thursday. i love christmas. i love our family traditions and the things we do and the things we eat and just the time we spend together. it's different without my grandma and i'm trying not to focus on that - it hurts too much to think about it right now - but even different can still be good. it's just hard to believe that the holidays are here already. this year has just flown by, and thankfully so in some cases.

but anyway. i wasn't sure when i'd get to post again, my neighbors' internet connections being as sporadic as they are. if i'm not back before christmas, happy holidays to everyone.

ps - i'm accepting all offers of donations of baby stuff! crusty, we should talk! :-)

OMG! It's a ...

...BOY!

(High five, team pink. Good game - better luck next time!)

Baby is definitely a BOY. Look at these pictures...

that is such a boy pose, oh my...

PLUS! I just got off the phone with the perinatalogist and she says she thinks everything looks great and there is no need to be seen by a specialist again. I am practically in tears, hearing this.

The bee and I are so, so happy right now - I can't even begin to explain.

*sigh*

Now we just have to wait for the little guy to get here!

my angel

i'm not going to be sad today.

okay, that's a lie. i can't help but be sad today. if things had gone the way i wanted, today would have been my due date. in my mind, today's the day my life would have changed forever. a friend told me that this week is a major hurdle in healing and i know she's right - i've been carrying this weight around since february. maybe now i can begin to let it go.

i hurt every day for the might have beens, the should have beens and the what ifs. my heart hurts every day for that one little person that i don't get to meet. that one amazing little person i'll never get to hold, i'll never get to comfort when he cries, i'll never get to see him smile.

but that doesn't mean i can't - or don't - love him with all that i have.

the day i found out i was pregnant - i cried. i cried because i was scared that i wouldn't be able to support a child - i was scared that i wouldn't be good enough, that i wouldn't be able to give him what he needed, that my patience would be too short, that i wouldn't know what to do. but the moment i learned i was with a child, my entire point of view changed. i learned that it's not all about me anymore - i learned that i could love deeper than i'd ever loved anyone or anything before. and furthermore, i wanted to give every ounce of energy, time, every little piece of me to making sure my baby's life was fulfilling. i'd never felt that sort of unselfishness toward another person before.

that was the most amazing feeling in the world.

when i first saw him on the ultrasound, i was amazed. he looked perfect. he was beautiful. that was the happiest day of my life - i couldn't breathe, i couldn't speak - i was just in awe of this incredible little person inside of me. i felt like a mother that day and i couldn't wait to meet my child. i felt like i'd finally found my purpose - it all just felt right.

but it just wasn't meant to be. none of it was meant to be. life would not have been liveable for my child and i couldn't continue just for my own selfish reasons, no matter how much i wanted to. my baby was sick - he wouldn't have survived - and i couldn't put him through the pain and suffering. i did what i had to do and while i regret that decision every single day - i hate myself for that decision - i hate that i had to make such a decision - deep down, i know it was the right thing, the only thing, that could be done.

and so it was. it was hard. it was so, so hard. and it continues to be hard. i have good days and i have terrible days. sometimes i can smile and sometimes i just cry. i miss that person, i miss that feeling in ways i can't even begin to describe. i feel like i was robbed, like a part of me was stolen and there is no way to recover it. i try to console myself with the knowledge that he's up there, he's waiting for me, and someday, i'll get to see him. someday i will get to meet that amazing little person that changed my life and my outlook in ways i never imagined.

i find consolation in the fact that i gave him back to God before he could suffer, before he had experienced pain but not before he knew love.

and so today i'm having a small ceremony of sorts. my momma and i are releasing balloons near the river today in celebration of the life that changed mine. i'm hoping that releasing balloons to the sky will release some of the guilt i feel about the entire situation. i know it's just a day - and technically, it's no different than yesterday was or tomorrow will be - but it's the day. and i can't just let it pass. so let the release escort out the remorse and the negativity and usher in a welcoming of a new page, an ongoing life and the remembrance of a child. an amazing, beautiful child that i will always love and always remember.

so today i am a little sad. and that's okay. because i'm healing. i'm recovering. i'm shedding the blame that i've shouldered and i'm appreciating the person that changed my life forever.

i'm going to be okay.

insane for the sound of microsoft.

it's been a while. admit it - you missed me. it seems like the more time i have to blog the less i have to write about. what's up with that?

it's actually been kind of a busy week. it seems like every day last week i had to go to dsm for some reason. i had doctor's appointments and things just about every day last week. they all went well. i saw my therapist on thursday; she's wonderful. i just got to talk and talk about my trip. she thinks that moving will be good for me and that i'll find someone that deserves me. and she understands what i mean when i say that my days are no longer good and bad, it's more of a good moment/bad moment kind of thing that i experience. and she says that will never really go away, which i already sort of knew but hated to hear, you know?

i saw dr. mahone on friday morning. i hate that office more than i can put into words but i love that doctor so much - she is so sweet and so caring and so incredible. the first thing she said when she walked in is that she has no doubt that i will be able to have many, many healthy babies in the future. and i just broke down and cried. because i desperately wanted to hear that. no matter how much i wanted this baby, i needed to hear that from her. she did an exam and said that my body is back to normal and it won't be long before my heart doesn't hurt as much as it does right now. i find that hard to believe, but she said its the truth - it just takes time. i know she's right, because honestly it seems to be working. every day it hurts a little bit less but it's still there. some days it's a little less painful than others and other days i can't put it away - i can't shelve it, i can't put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard i try.

like right now.

but i'm learning to cope. i just tell myself that it wasn't my time, that i'll get to meet him later and that my little man is waiting for me, i just have to be patient for my someday. and then i don't feel quite so bad. or so desperate.

i'm doing things for me. thursday afternoon i went to what nigel and i affectionately call chubby kids, or what the rest of the world calls weight watchers. she's had some success with it and it could be good for me too. i don't have as much weight to lose as others but i do need to get into some good eating habits because candy and fast food aren't good eating habits unless you have my little brother's metabolism. so that's kind of cool. now i'm counting the points value of everything. except the points value of the entire bottle of crown royal i drank on friday night. apparently counting points started on saturday afternoon.

whoops.

friday was an interesting night, to say the least. i learned how to play assholes and presidents, which i still think is a made-up card game. and i sent out some mass drunk text messages, which i know were not appreciated by all recipients. (sorry.) but i did hear from a long lost ... friend? and got to spend time with him, although i have no idea what i said to him, and that sort of bothers me. but now that i know he's still out there, it's making me crazy. i think i was better off not knowing...

i really did drink myself into quite a painful state on friday - so much that i stayed home from green beer and pat benatar on saturday and so did nigel. and that's saying a lot. i slept all day yesterday and all last night. i still don't feel great - my chest feels all compressed and weird and i can't breathe. it kind of feels pneumatic but i don't have a fever or anything so i don't know what that's all about. it's probably nothing.

speaking of pneumonia, my poor, poor grandma is in the hospital. she's been having trouble breathing for some time and has been on oxygen and apparently hasn't been on enough oxygen. she went to the hospital via ambulance this morning and was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. she'll be there a few days to a week, which is sad because her birthday is this saturday and all the family is coming down. i hope she's out so she can enjoy it. i just hope she's okay. she looked perfectly awful this morning; her face was all swollen and puffy, i guess the steroids she's been taking makes her face swell but it looked terrible and it was kind of shocking. mom said she's been trying to prepare me for that but there's really no way to be prepared for that. i was really surprised. plus, she didn't have any makeup on and she looked really pale and small - she's just so tiny. it was just scary. i'm not good at stuff like that.

with the exception of two grandpas pretty much in the same weekend, i've been pretty lucky when it comes to stuff like that. that was 10 years ago. i'm not ready for anyone else to go but i probably don't get a lot of say, you know?

i got a new tattoo. it's beautiful. it's my direct connection to the baby; it's my way of honoring the baby. to me, it's better than jewelry. i'll post a picture when it heals. it's still kind of red and sore right now.

so last week i had a little too much to drink on thursday night and came home and went to bed and forgot to make my picks for my fantasy nascar league. which means that i missed the deadline and had to use the same picks from last week. i spent the last few days convinced i was going to give up my lead in my fantasy league all over an extra margarita. oh hell no! kevin harvick (my a-team driver and my dreamworld lover, oh how i love, love, love kevin harvick!) spun out tony stewart on the second to last lap to take second place and i not only held on to first place again this week (woot woot!), i won in points this week!

i know - i rule.

and with that, i'm going to bed. or rather, i'm going to go watch some csi and then i'm going to go to bed.

thirsty thursday = liquid lunch

a piece of advice for those of you that might be interested in obtaining a job: business socks just might work. however, if you're going to buy business shoes, buy the right size. business shoes that are too small freaking suck. i didn't buy them on purpose, i'm just retarded and can't read. but don't tell that to my potential future employer. because i think i distinctly remember telling him that i can actually read.

so here's the scoop: the interview went well. the potential employer is originally from iowa (score one for the janel!) and is looking for someone to fill an agent assistant/marketing assistant/sales assistant kind of position. there is all sorts of licensing and training to be completed. but based on the feedback i received and the vibes i picked up on, i feel really positive about the entire experience. i may receive a job offer in a few days. and then i will need to make a decision about moving.

everything happens for a reason, right? everything happens so that something else can happen, doesn't it? god never closes a door without opening another, right? the chapter of my life that has just ended, no matter how sadly or tragically is the beginning of another - and i love the idea of a fresh start. new beginnings doesn't mean not remembering, and i need to keep that in mind. i couldn't sleep last night, i just lied there and cried for what seemed like the longest time. and i thought about calling my mom but i didn't want to wake her up. then i just decided to have a heart to heart with the baby. i even called him by name, which i've never done before. and before long, i wasn't crying anymore and i could sleep. i just felt better. i don't know if that's healthy or even recommended or anything, but it made me feel better.

anyway. that's what's going on. i think we're going to lunch soon. now that i'm done wearing my new pants i can eat again. bring on the white bread and carbs and beer. seriously. i may have beer for lunch. what are you going to do about it?

yeah, that's what i thought. punk. :)

carrying on

i guess i can breathe a sigh of relief. my procedures are over and my body is recuperating nicely. not a lot of bleeding, no cramping so far - just the occasional pang in my lower back and a nice sore throat from having a breathing tube inserted. i can't tell you the same things about my mind - mentally, i'm sort of messy and my heart just hurts today. i feel as though i've done a fair share of the grieving that goes along with this, and while its far from over, i do feel some relief in that its over. no more waiting, no more wondering, no more second guessing a decision that's already been made.

i'm not claiming to be over it - i know i have a long way to go in order to fully recover. but i'm in a better place than i was just a couple of days ago.

a lot of the relief i feel comes from the support and love i've received from my family and friends. i've never doubted that they loved me or cared for me, but the outpouring of support i've had in the last few weeks, from people i've known all my life to people i've known only for a short time, has been amazing. i haven't encountered one judgemental person in all this turmoil, and for that i feel lucky.

i know i made the right decision. i know in my mind and i know in my heart. i can't tell you i feel good about it, but i feel good knowing that there is not going to be any sufferering for my baby. i will always remember and i will always wonder, but he's in a better place now and eventually i'll get to meet him. and that is a very reassuring and comforting thought.

and today, that's all i have to say about that.

life continues in spite of itself, you know? today my stepdad and i have to once again go to the big city. thankfully, it has nothing to do with anyone's health. i have a court hearing that i absolutely cannot escape this afternoon. my attorney said that hearings would continue through world war three and nuclear war. i guess that means i have to go. so mark and i will get back in the van (i'm starting to not love the van so much anymore) and trek through the 14 inches of snow that has fallen overnight to my five-minute hearing and then trek home in the same 14 inches because it's blowing so bad the plows can't keep up. woo-fucking-hoo...

i had to take my nose ring out yesterday. if i get it done again (and i'm thinking about it) it will be for the 7th time. hmm...

in 13 days i'm leaving for charlotte for a few weeks to visit one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. this is something i'm really looking forward to. i think i need to make some life changes, consider some options and see what the world has to offer. maybe charlotte is a good place to start. i worry that i'll overstay my welcome by staying so long - libbeth is hugely pregnant with her fourth baby and has a family and a husband to consider. the last thing i want is to be in the way. i have to admit, i'm sort of using some of my trip as a therapy retreat. i can't escape pregnant people or babies, so i'm going to immerse myself in someone else's pregnancy and babies and just deal with what i've been dealt. there's no better way to get through my own grief than to work through it. and i love her and her kids and her husband so much, i can't think of a healthier way to solve my own issues.

i think we're getting ready to go. mark is concerned about the roads and the weather, and with good reason. the radar is awesome looking - blues and greens and reds and pinks. i love weather. i should have been a meterologist. maybe i'll go back to school soon.

just breathe

its amazing how attached a person can become in such a short amount of time, especially someone who felt so much doubt and fear. i know this baby and i love this baby but i'm not going to get to have this baby. i won't get to see it or hold it or watch it grow up. i won't get to touch it or feed it or feel any of the happiness that goes along with having a child. because i'm not having this baby. i don't get to have my baby.

my baby is sick. its not right. there are defects that will not allow baby to live once he or she is born. there is a one in a million chance that he could survive birth, but life would not be worth living. and how can i continue, knowing that fact?

the decision, unfortunately, has to be made and i have to be the one to make it. calling it a decision doesn't seem right because there is only really one choice. and it's an awful choice - it feels completely wrong and inhumane and sick. i feel like i've had the ability to choose taken away from me. and the funny thing is, i was all for "the choice" before this happened. and now, i can't stand the idea of it.

but it's the right thing to do. for my baby and for me, it's the right thing to do. i can't bring him into this world, knowing that he's not going to survive; knowing that a life would be unliveable. and i can't continue to carry this child - every day, i love it more. i grow closer to it. and somehow it seems easier to give him back to god now - now, while i don't know what he looks like or sounds like or wants to be when he grows up. now, while i haven't seen him and i don't know if he likes green beans or carrots better and i don't know if he plays with cars or g.i. joes or loves books and kitties like i do, or loves to be outside and with his friends like his father does. i don't know if he has curly hair and green eyes or straight hair and brown eyes and somehow, not knowing these things makes my heart hurt a little bit less.

but not enough to take it away. i don't know if anything will ever take it away. is it wrong to remember and to wonder?

so next week, i have appointments for procedures i don't want to have but are necessary. i don't know that it will hurt my body as much as my soul.

i'm going to be okay; i know that. it will take time but eventually i'll be okay. i don't know what lies ahead - i don't know what will happen with the bee or a job or anything. but i know that this will not be the end of me. it just feels like it right now.

today's the day

baby and i have survived the last week and today is the day we get more information. i have to tell you, i'm scared out of my mind. i can't thank you all enough for the positive thoughts and prayers - just knowing that there are others out there that have been through this is somewhat comforting. wish us luck.

make me a bird, so i can fly far...

it's been a while. it's not that i haven't wanted to write, i just don't know what to say. it's been a rough week.

i've been at my parents all week. it started out as a reprieve from the bee and the drama that was going on at my apartment. last weekend i just needed a place to go to get away. it's turned out to be more than that.

last monday i woke at 5 am, bleeding and cramping. a trip to the doctor resulted in an ultrasound that showed baby moving around with a strong heartbeat, but a diagnosis that read otherwise. the ultrasound showed fluid at the base of baby's neck; a sign of things more serious and often deadly. the doctor advised that a miscarriage was a definite possibility, although the timing of such an event was unknown. he said that often, fluid in such a spot on a baby means that there is something chromosonally wrong, which can result in a miscarriage or can result in a birth defect. and then we were sent home.

i cried all day monday. i cried until i felt like there were no more tears and then i cried more. i've never felt so robbed in my entire life. i've been told that there is nothing i can do, or could have done, to prevent whatever may be wrong - that it's not my fault and i shouldn't feel guilty. but i have to tell you - at that moment, at that very second that those words leave a doctor's mouth - you second guess every decision you've made in the last nine and a half weeks. maybe it was the orange soda or the tylenol or the antidepressant or the tums or the chocolate cereal or the never-ending-stream of pizza. because it doesn't seem humanly possible that this, this malformation or death or whatever it turns out to be, could be caused by nothing at all. i spent all day monday (and tuesday and wednesday and just about every waking moment since then) searching for a reason, something i could blame, someone i could blame. but there isn't anything. i haven't done anything wrong.

there was some very light spotting on tuesday. but that was the last day, nothing since. i've been nervous to exert myself in anyway, nervous to fall asleep, nervous to take any sort of medicine. every time i go to the bathroom, i'm convinced that will be *the time*. i think that every pain in my back is *the pain*. the waiting is pure agony; and what if there is nothing to wait for? what if nothing happens? i'm expected to prepare for the worst and yet carry on with my life as if i'm expecting the best. it's an asinine request, it just seems barbaric. and yet its the only thing that can be done at this point.

when you think about it, there is really no more risk of losing this child than there was on sunday afternoon. from what i've read, up to 40 percent of women will have a miscarriage before 12 weeks; the number significantly drops once the first trimester is over. i have just as much (or just as little, depending on how you look at it) to worry about as i did before i knew there could be something wrong.

and honestly, we have no definitive information that there is in fact anything wrong. but the seed has been planted and it's all i can think about.

i go to another ob/gyn on tuesday; these doctors specialize in high-risk pregnancies. i'm not 100 percent sure of the procedure, but i do know that i'll be undergoing a more detailed ultrasound. i think it's called a nuchal transparency scan. the depth of the nuchal area (the neck area) of the baby will be measured with ultrasound and calipers. i have to tell you, i'm terrifed of this appointment. first off, i'm terrifed of not making it to this appointment. and second, i'm terrifed that i will make it, only to find out that something is horribly wrong.

it's one thing, to have a decision made by god - to have no say whatsoever. but it's another thing entirely when the decision is suddenly yours, to continue or to end. and how can i make a decision like that?

there is always the chance that there isn't anything wrong. it's a small chance but i'm putting all my eggs in that basket. i so desparately want them to find nothing, to find a normal baby - i can't even describe how much i want that.

i've tried to talk to the bee about this but our conversations end with him blaming me. he wants to know what i've done to cause this. and i understand that, i truly do, because i also want someone or something to pin this awful feeling on. but it's just not there. and so beyond an awful conversation on monday after leaving the doctor's office, i haven't talked to him for most of this week; i don't have the energy to argue or carry on like he wants to. i just wish he could be more compassionate and concerned for me as he is for himself and his wallet.

so i'm here, at job #only, pretending to work and acting like my mind isn't on my child or the relationship that spawned a child. i've been eating well all week, my mom has made sure of that, and sleeping for hours and hours on end. my body is acting like it should - all the aches and pains all the pregnancy books said i should be having, all the symptoms and signs of a normal pregnancy. but my mind is a million miles away.

it's just you and me, kid

i asked the bee to leave. he didn't go quietly or quickly - in fact he was apparently quite surprised by the request. he said awful things, terrible things, about me and the baby both. i hope they were said in anger; i'd hate to think that he really meant them.

i only have a few days left in my apartment. i'm not going to be able to live here anymore. it's not a surprise, it's something i had to come to terms with before i could ask him to leave. i'm back to driving to and from the big city, something that hopefully i'll be doing on a regular basis before long; something that doesn't last forever.

i didn't cry, i don't feel like crying. i'm just sort of numb. unfortunately, it's not going to get easier in the near future. but it has to get better.

i'm going to fill the fishtank and take off for the parentals. even though it was my idea, i just don't feel like being alone tonight.

i like to move it, move it...

the fine print: this is NOT the baby. this is the cute mouse lemur from the movie madagascar. keep reading. it all makes sense in just few paragraphs.

i cried during the ultrasound. it was amazing, to see that tiny little living being moving on that screen. it just seemed unreal. it's so hard to believe that something so amazing happens inside your body and then to see it on the monitor, it's just overwhelming. or at least it was for me. the bee didn't say a word, he just held my hand the entire time and when the baby would move, he would squeeze my fingers. i don't know if he felt the same way that i did but i could tell that the entire process impressed him.

i cried after the appointment too. any worries that i had, any fears that i carried - they felt compounded tenfold. the reality that came with seeing that tiny little baby for the first time just sort of hit me in the parking garage outside the hospital. it was crazy: they were tears of happiness and joy and fear and absolute terror and i was just shaking. i sat in the car and just cried. and then i got a little nauseous because the floor of the parking garage moved when a car would drive by so we had to leave. and then i was okay.

remember that adorable little mouse lemur in the movie madagascar? "i like them, i like them! i liked them first! before i even met them i liked them! as soon as i met them i liked them right away! you hate them compared to how much i like them!" (he was the most adorable part of that whole movie; if you can't remember that part then go watch it again.) anyway. that's sort of how i feel about this little baby. i'm crazy about it and i've never even met it.

the good doc gave me medicine. i'm working my way up to a full dosage so it will be awhile until i know how well it works but i feel better knowing that good days are ahead. and so does the bee. i still don't know if we'll be okay, but we're trying. and that has to be worth something.

everybody at once: awww!

here it is... isn't that the cutest thing you ever did see? appointment went well, only one baby and all is good. :D

i'd have shaved my legs if i'd known ankle was for dinner.

have you ever stuck your foot so far in your mouth it just won't come out? i'm serious here - i'm talking ankles past the tonsils, squarely lodged with no hope of coming out anytime soon? yeah, that's me, currently. i overreacted to a series of events yesterday and it's left me with my mouth full of kneecap. you'd think i'd know better by now.

so how do you apologize for being so volatile? how do you apologize for being off your rocker? i said things that were not necessary, things that were mean and spiteful and i said them for no other reason than to be mean and spiteful. i routinely act that way around some people but in reaction to this person, it was completely unwarranted.

and i'm sorry.

i ended up coming home last night - home to my apartment. i found the place a shambles; the bee has systematically dismantled each and every room in the process of gathering his belongings and preparing to leave. even in the midst of our nasty and ongoing (text message) conversation, i was still shocked. i felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach. i honestly didn't think that it had come to that point and i guess that makes me stupid and naive because deep down i thought that there was still a chance.

just about everything was already packed, so i really had nothing to lose by being honest. and i was. i told him it was time to grow up or break up - because it's not benefiting anyone to live in personal turmoil. we've taken the steps to be a couple and to have a serious relationship and live together - we've created a child together, for crying out loud - it's hard to take a step backwards and maintain similar feelings at this point. i don't want a relationship in limbo; i don't want to have to question each and everyday the seriousness of what's going on around me.

his main argument has to do with my doctor's appointment today and the fact that i'm going alone. he felt that he should be able to attend and i honestly feel otherwise. i feel that if he can't stick around through the bad as well as the good, then he shouldn't get to share in the happiness and hope that i've pinned on this appointment. i've put a lot of eggs in this basket, so to speak - i'm hoping that the definitveness delivered by the doctor this afternoon will quell alot of my fears and make the entire situation finally feel real. i'm hoping for some personal relief by way of a new antidepressant that will help me, mentally and physically, work with the people around me. and i'm hoping that clear answers and concise information changes my attitude. because i've been hopelessly negative for the last few weeks.

these are things that i'm looking forward to - and i feel that if he can't share in the really hard times with me, then its not fair that he gets to share in the times that bring me joy. if he so desires, he can share in my happiness every other weekend and every other holiday. and that's what it boils down to. grow up or break up. we haven't left ourselves a lot of room for in between. he's either in or he's out - what's it going to be?

i know i've been unbearable this last month. i'm making a conscious effort to change as much of that as i can. he hasn't exactly been a peach; he said he's going to work on that as well. i need him to stop making me feel so inadequate and boring - he'll work on that as much as he can, he says he doesn't realize that he even does that. he needs me to stop griping; that's a fair request.

there are still bags in the middle of the living room floor and to say that i'm displeased with the current condition of our living space is the understatement of the hour. but if it's meant to be, it will be and all the confusion will be sorted out.

for the time being anyway, it seems that he's in.

so, relative calm and quiet for my first evening back home. you might ask what i'm doing awake at this ungodly hour, at least it's ungodly for me. the real question is why have i been awake since about 230 this morning? and it's lying right next to me, in all it's apnea-ish and wheezing glory: the bee's snoring keeps me awake.

it's no wonder i'm such a high-strung and zinged out bitch all day long and its really no wonder that i want to go to bed at 5 p.m. in the evening - he has the worst snoring problem i've ever heard and the worst attitude about doing anything to fix it. short of duct tape (for him) and ear plugs (for me), i wonder what i'm going to have to do to get a good night's sleep. because if it's not the text messages, it's the dreams. and if it's not the dreams, then it's the snoring. it doesn't matter where i am, he won't let me sleep!

i don't know what to do. his alarm starts going off in about 12 minutes. once he leaves the house, i should be able to rest for a while. i hope...

no more sleepy sleepy!

no middle-of-the-night text messages last night; i was finally able to get some sleep. but my dreams were just as bad, if not worse, than the text messages lately - i can't win! all i want is some uninterrupted, (bad) dream-free sleep!

i dreamt that the bee had already found someone new and that he brought her to our apartment. for what i don't know. i know their plans included watching tv and making some weird-ass casserole that included rice and stir-fry beef. wtf? but she was just as condescending and negative as he can be; they seemed perfect for each other, only exception being I WAS STILL THERE. and of course, as any janel bad dream, it included spiders and grasshoppers and all sorts of gross creepy-crawlies. the whole thing just gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

so in all my emotional haze, i've forgotten to mention one very important happening in my life in the last week. ANDY FALES CAME BACK FROM KC! woohoo! take that eddy! my all-time favorite sportscaster in the whole wide world - i knew he'd be back, i just knew it. and now i can't wait to watch the news, i gotta have my andy fales. yay! i was hoping he'd drag back gary amble, my all-time favorite meteorologist from kansas city too - he defected to kc years and years ago. but to no avail. but that's okay. i've survived with ed wilson this long, life will go on, i'm sure... :)

in the last week or so, i've noticed that my clothes aren't starting to fit. WTF? i'm not 26 weeks along, i'm not third-trimester, i'm only eight weeks into this! I'M ONLY ONE-FIFTH THROUGH THIS AND ALREADY MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT! OMG! i'm going to be as big as a house, i can see it now. i'm going to have to trade in my car for a semi with a driver. we're going to have to move to a place with 15-foot ceilings, just to accomodate my stomach. and i'm going to have to resort to wearing muu-muus and tarps because my belly is already not fitting into my own shirts! OMF(reaking, mom, freaking)G! so my brother, who is like half a foot taller than i am, brought me t-shirts yesterday. which is incredibly sweet and nice and they're all seven feet in length and they go to my knees, but i'm not complaining. it's just nice not to look like yard dog anymore.

oh, i talked to libbeth yesterday. i miss her and her family. have i mentioned that she is also pregnant? she's due april 19, so she's what 24? 26 weeks along? i can't remember what she said and i can't wrap my head around the math this morning. she's doing pretty well, but this is her fourth baby and she says it definitely feels like the fourth baby. i can't even imagine. i don't know how she does it, but she's got a great husband (even if he won't help her take down the christmas tree until 26jan...) and they seem to have a rhythm to the whole family dynamic. she can sympathize with my night sickness and my (temporary?) craziness. it's just good to hear from her, the things she says just make sense. it's kind of like talking to my mom, except with a southern accent, lol...

have i told you that i don't have morning sickness? woohoo! nope, instead i get crazy awful terrible nausea at night and i can't throw up. i keep thinkin that if i did throw up, i'd get some sort of relief but then i think about it and throwing up is all around pretty sucky too. so i keep some ginger ale in the fridge and some oyster crackers in the bedroom, or some pre-wrapped saltines from the whippy dip next to the bed, depending on where i am. and i take the pre-natal vitamin with really, really, really cold water and i hope for the best.

ahhh, daylight. the sun rises, the day begins and so do the text messages. this boy is so predictable - is that a good thing or a bad thing? and do we work it out or do we call it quits? do i take him to the doctor with me tomorrow or do i go alone? why isn't my crystal ball working?

i don't know. but i have to go eat some breakfast (or some something) and take a shower and get ready for the day. i'll keep you posted...

my life is so exciting... when i'm asleep

i've been having the most vivid and bizarre dreams lately. events and people that seem so real that when i wake up i have to convince myself that it really didn't happen. it's so strange. i've always had really wacked out dreams - i can remember some of my dreams from when i was a kid - but these are like seriously 110-percent zinged out. i dreamt i'd gone back to work at the airline, only to get fired when they found out i was pregnant. i dreamt that my friends were really car thieves and i had to go with them or they'd kill my mom's dog (wtf?). i dreamt that an employee of my mom's was kicking me in the stomach (really, wtf?). and then i have silly dreams, with people i don't know personally, like celebrities and things. and strange food dreams, like the one where i was drinking loads and loads of diet soda, fully aware that i'm not supposed to be drinking diet soda because of the aspartame or whatever.

now that i look at those, i guess there is a theme, isn't there? (well, except for the one about my mom's dog...)

the last couple nights, however, i can't seem to get into a dream. reason being that i'm getting nasty and belligerent texts from the bee in the middle of the night. always just after the bar closes, i can tell, because they're generally rambling and mostly incoherent, which if you've ever seen the bee when he leaves the bar at closing time (if they haven't asked him to leave beforehand, which does occasionally happen) you'd know that he's pretty rambling and incoherent. it used to be that at that point he'd get in his truck and drive to where ever he wanted - home, another party, my house. but since his dui he's become the poster child for hitching a ride or walking. sometimes i can't help but feel sorry for him. he was a barfly before we got together, and if we stay apart, well, i guess old habits die hard. drinking yourself into oblivion most nights of the week just sounds like an awful way to live and he's better than that. he deserves better than that. but his defeatist attitude gets in the way of him recognizing that and no one but him knows how he should live his life. just ask him.

it dawned on me last night that there are no pictures anywhere of me and the bee. i wonder what that means. i guess its just less i have to put away when i go home...?

bad to worse, worse to... what comes after worse?

i've really done it this time. no, really, this is my fault. the bee and i have been at each other's throats all week. i take that back. we had a couple good nights. i made dinner, we talked - they were good nights. and then we had some... well, i can't even explain what went wrong. i've been nothing but an awful, terrible bitch for the last month and i haven't been able to put my finger on the reason. last night was tops, though, really. i completely rivaled meryl streep or shirley maclaine in my ability to go from normal to raging, lunatic bitch in about 4.6 seconds. the bee and i went to dinner with my parents and it just turned into a fiasco. and it didn't have to. on the way over, he was nice. he wanted to talk. and i was awful. and i was awful at dinner and i was awful after dinner. i was so awful that i left him there to find his own way home. and i was so awful that my parents argued about my awfulness most of the night and into today.

and i was so awful that i think i finally got the bee to his breaking point. or the point of breaking up with me. we can't talk on the phone; we can't talk, period. all communication is by text message, which feels so juvenile. but his message was clear: he doesn't need me. and that's all i got. that's all i got last night, and all i got today. in fact, i haven't even heard from him today, which means that he's serious.

of course, i ran away from it. and i ran right back home, to my old room and my old habits. its sad how much we really are creatures of habit. and so this morning, in looking for my daily validation from my mom, i got my eyes opened.

i'm not sure why i'm not happy with him. i'm not sure why he's not good enough for me - why i won't let him be good enough for me. it probably wouldn't matter if he righted every wrong i pointed out to him - i'm sure it wouldn't be enough. i don't know when i became such a heartless person. i was thinking that it was just inevitable - my taking something relatively good and just fucking it up beyond belief. it's what i seem to do. but i think that's just an excuse for my fear.

and what am i so afraid of? i can't even pinpoint that. i know i'm terrified of this baby and the responsibility it brings. i'm terrified of what people think of me - single, pregnant, unemployed, uninsured and in financial dire straits. i'm terrified that i'm not going to be able to get my act together, to make it work for myself and for this child. but most of all, i am literally terrified to be alone. not alone, like afraid to be alone in this house, but alone, with no significant other. so then i wonder, do i care about the bee? did i care about the bee? is there really any hope? or was this just another doomed attempt to thwart being lonely? i don't know what i'm doing anymore, and i'm having a terrible time trying to right my wrongs.

i seriously don't know where to start. can i apologize to the bee? would it even be honest? and would he care? do i pay the rent or the car payment first, and while we're on the subject, where am i going to get the money to do that? how am i going to get a job after they take my car? and why can't i seem to get it together? why am i constantly falling apart? when did i become so weak that failure became a viable option?

i'm sad. i'm sad for me, because i don't know where to start or what to do. i'm sad for the bee, because most of this really isn't his fault. and i'm really sad for this baby, because it has no idea what it's coming into. of everyone, this baby has the most to lose, which is heartbreaking because it's certainly not his (or her) fault.

my mom worries that i don't want this baby. that's not the case. really. i already love this baby more than i can put into words. but i'm scared to death of failing this child and bringing it into a world with strikes on its record. what kind of parent am i that i can't make the mom and dad relationship work? what kind of parent am i that i drive away its father? better yet, what kind of parent am i that i honestly think that i may not even want its father? he was apparently good enough for me at one point; what changed? and what makes it okay for me to be that selfish when there is someone else, someone helpless and innocent, to take into consideration?

i have all these questions, and not a single answer.

it was brought to my attention this morning that i've been off my antidepressant for about six weeks now, ever since i thought there may be a chance that i was pregnant. the effects of celexa on a fetus were dangerous enough that my doctor told me to stop. interestingly enough, that's when a lot of my problems started. funny how that works, isn't it? i'd been on antidepressants for a couple years up to that point - and while i can see in other people how going off them effects their mood, i've never been able to see it in myself until i'm almost completely out of control. its kind of funny, i had this conversation with my brother's girlfriend just last week and never once considered the possible implications, personally. my mom wants me to talk to the ob/gyn next week at my appointment to see if there is anything that can be done. and probably there is. but i don't know if my personal relationships can be salvaged or what kind of excuse that is for my behavior.

i just don't know what to do. and wouldn't you know it, i can't turn around without images of a baby or a family or something on television or in the books i read and i've been crying pretty much nonstop. not that it takes much for me to cry these days, but i've been in tears pretty much all weekend. and this is what i do to get away and de-stress...

i'm making dinner for the family tomorrow. not in my own house, because i literally can't bear to be there right now, but in my mom's kitchen. one of these days i'm going to have to stop running away. and walking away and turning away. and learn to just start standing still.

what do you mean your washing machine isn't broken?

i'm not working today. well, if you want the god's honest truth, i'm not working any days anymore. which is kind of funny, in a demented sort of way. i was told that my goals don't align with the goals of the dealership i was working for. but truth be told, i was the only one in the department that set any kind of goal, personally or professionally. and i failed to meet those goals on the second month, giving them full reign to "let me go."

wow. i guess not having goals at all is better than having goals and not meeting them. but i digress. because none of that really matters now, and what can i do about it at this point. not a freaking thing. so it goes on the list of things that do not really concern me any more and i go about my business, which just now happens to include looking for work instead of going to work.

so this morning, i was in bed. it was late but i was enjoying the quiet. until a loud and repeated knock, knock, knock appeared at the door. the dishwasher repairman. who promptly started to disassemble the washing machine. wtf? my washer is fine, normally. look at the damn dishwasher. now he's telling me the reason that the dishwasher spits water all over the floor is because of the soap that i use. hmmm...

i wonder how much that job pays.

i stayed at my parent's house last weekend. the bee and i were not getting along, to the point that i just wanted a little peace and quiet. somewhere stress-free, where i could just sort of hide out and not be bothered. i sort of got that. he didn't understand the whole idea and still doesn't understand how he causes me stress. i guess i kind of wanted the time away to consider things, because the status quo doesn't necessarily have to be, you know? my mom says i'm asking a lot of someone his age - i didn't think consideration and kindness were things that you had to be going on 30 years old in order to give to someone or even understand, but maybe that's the case. i just want things to be right - for me, for him and for baby. because it's no household to be raised in where mom and dad are at each other's throats 24/7. and that's the way it's been. and you're right, it's been a stressful week. the dishwasher quit, i got fired, the holidays are hard. but i just need to know that i'm doing the right thing, that we're doing the right thing.

so while i was gone, i got, "i miss you, i love you, i want you here, i can't sleep without you here, i feel terrible." so i thought he'd be excited to see me. nope. he was asleep. and stayed asleep for several hours until i threatened to go eat dinner without him. and then last night he got "frustrated" with me because i told him that i really have no interest in sex right now. i look gross, i feel gross - it just wasn't a good time and i apologized. to no avail.

so i have no idea.

i deleted my myspace yesterday (another thing off my 101/1001!) and i have to tell you, it was sort of liberating. it's like a high school popularity contest and with all due respect, i don't need myspace to validate the fact that people like me. it's all bullshit. i'll admit, i got caught up in the "oh no, she deleted me" or "ooh, look who finally got a myspace." but it's an amazing time-consumer, or time-waster, really and i don't have the time or the interest anymore. so i'm done.

and now i'm off to look for work. blecchh...