26 February 2008

and why was there a dolphin in the road?

woohoo for interviews. but the girl i talked to on the phone was a freaking idiot. "um... you are? and i am? and what do you want again? and do you have our phone number?" i kid you not, she made these statements. i felt my IQ dropping just by talking to her. having her as a coworker could be dangerous to my health and well being. but again: cart, horse, u-haul, blah, blah, blah.

so. i did receive some advice. and i thank you all for your advice. it was all much appreciated and i've taken it all under consideration. there are some pros that i did not think to list, such as the supremacy of the EST to the CST, the number of maple syrup eating ninjas on the eastern seaboard, the lack of amish people with their fence-jumping and highway-inhabiting cows, and no tony danza (and none under my bed, i checked!). the con that keeps coming to mind is the biggest one on the list and that is my family. i'm just very close to my family. my mom has become one of my closest confidants. and i'm very close to mark and my brothers as well. the idea of leaving them makes me very sad. in my mind, i can solve that problem by telling myself that its just a day's drive to see them. but i have a hard time convincing my heart that it's the same thing, you know?

but i'm just going to put it all out on the table and tell you what i want and then tell you my (very) legitimate fears about the entire decision.

i want to move. i want out of iowa and away from the the things that remind me of the baby and the life i had planned. i want to go somewhere and be anonymous for a while until i decide to let people into my life again. i have loved north carolina since the moment i first landed here nearly eight years ago and i would love to live here. if everything i'm reading is true, it's not that much more expensive to live here than it is to live in des moines. there are obviously expensive neighborhoods and there are not-so-expensive neighborhoods. and there are jobs that i'm qualified for and jobs i could get hired for in no time. i could make this happen.

however, my fear lies in the fact that my track record lately as far as moving/independence/adult decisions has sort of sucked. and my parents have had to rescue me from leases, roommates, boyfriends, and so on and so forth. i've become the poster child for slackerdom. granted, some certain circumstances have been out of my control and i have been so thankful for my parents help and support. but the last year has not been my greatest year when it comes to making it on my own. and i'm terrified of having to ask my parents for help from 996 miles away. i'm also terrified of leaning on the only two people i know 996 miles away from home too much - relying on their friendship and generosity to the point of becoming a leech. because if i know me, i can easily get to that point. and i don't want to lose a friendship over it. and even though they may rent me a futon for 80$ a month, i don't want to abuse a good thing.

and there you have it. that's what i want and that's what i fear. i feel like i have become incredibly weak in the last two years. i don't know where this has come from. i think at one point i would have jumped all over this and not looked back. now i can barely go to the bathroom without thinking twice: "do i want to go right now? what if there's no toilet paper?" what is that all about?

i am such a freak sometimes.

tomorrow we are going shopping. and i heart me some shopping. this whole thing could have been avoided if i had just packed some decent clothes. because i distinctly remember having this conversation with myself - do i pack decent clothes and shoes, or do i pack things i can bum around in? and being the sarcastic, pessimistic asshole that i can be sometimes, i was all, who needs a fucking job anyway and why would i want to spend my vacay on a freaking interview? well, as it turns out, i do in fact like dollars and people who want to give me a paycheck can be my friends. so i'm going to go interview a new friend and i'm going to have new clothes for this soiree. but they're going to be cheap clothes because i still have to pay my damn cell phone bill.

i want that seafood platter i saw on the food network. i've been thinking about this for a couple days now. i think after the interview i may force everyone into the car and drive them all to georgia against their will. i mean, if you're going to commit a capital crime such as kidnapping, you might as well go all out, right? we should at least have some good food, or what appears to be good food, before i get hauled off to the clink. plus, i'll be wearing my new interview clothes and having good hair (because who wears bad hair to an interview) so i'll look good for the tv cameras when the cops catch me after my seafood eating crime spree. hmm... just a thought.

i'm moderately obsessed with craigslist these days. and as such, you have to read this. i have not laughed so hard in a long time. and it's good to laugh.

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