06 February 2008

carrying on

i guess i can breathe a sigh of relief. my procedures are over and my body is recuperating nicely. not a lot of bleeding, no cramping so far - just the occasional pang in my lower back and a nice sore throat from having a breathing tube inserted. i can't tell you the same things about my mind - mentally, i'm sort of messy and my heart just hurts today. i feel as though i've done a fair share of the grieving that goes along with this, and while its far from over, i do feel some relief in that its over. no more waiting, no more wondering, no more second guessing a decision that's already been made.

i'm not claiming to be over it - i know i have a long way to go in order to fully recover. but i'm in a better place than i was just a couple of days ago.

a lot of the relief i feel comes from the support and love i've received from my family and friends. i've never doubted that they loved me or cared for me, but the outpouring of support i've had in the last few weeks, from people i've known all my life to people i've known only for a short time, has been amazing. i haven't encountered one judgemental person in all this turmoil, and for that i feel lucky.

i know i made the right decision. i know in my mind and i know in my heart. i can't tell you i feel good about it, but i feel good knowing that there is not going to be any sufferering for my baby. i will always remember and i will always wonder, but he's in a better place now and eventually i'll get to meet him. and that is a very reassuring and comforting thought.

and today, that's all i have to say about that.

life continues in spite of itself, you know? today my stepdad and i have to once again go to the big city. thankfully, it has nothing to do with anyone's health. i have a court hearing that i absolutely cannot escape this afternoon. my attorney said that hearings would continue through world war three and nuclear war. i guess that means i have to go. so mark and i will get back in the van (i'm starting to not love the van so much anymore) and trek through the 14 inches of snow that has fallen overnight to my five-minute hearing and then trek home in the same 14 inches because it's blowing so bad the plows can't keep up. woo-fucking-hoo...

i had to take my nose ring out yesterday. if i get it done again (and i'm thinking about it) it will be for the 7th time. hmm...

in 13 days i'm leaving for charlotte for a few weeks to visit one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world. this is something i'm really looking forward to. i think i need to make some life changes, consider some options and see what the world has to offer. maybe charlotte is a good place to start. i worry that i'll overstay my welcome by staying so long - libbeth is hugely pregnant with her fourth baby and has a family and a husband to consider. the last thing i want is to be in the way. i have to admit, i'm sort of using some of my trip as a therapy retreat. i can't escape pregnant people or babies, so i'm going to immerse myself in someone else's pregnancy and babies and just deal with what i've been dealt. there's no better way to get through my own grief than to work through it. and i love her and her kids and her husband so much, i can't think of a healthier way to solve my own issues.

i think we're getting ready to go. mark is concerned about the roads and the weather, and with good reason. the radar is awesome looking - blues and greens and reds and pinks. i love weather. i should have been a meterologist. maybe i'll go back to school soon.

No comments: