12 February 2008

one foot in front of the other

i talked to a counselor yesterday. it helped to just talk, just to tell someone new, someone not related to the situation. she had some good ideas, some ways to cope that i hadn't thought of. oddly, she's experienced something very similar. she lost a baby at 11 weeks but in her case, she had to labor and deliver. and when i think about that, i realize that i'm lucky to not have had to go through anything like that.

i told her what happened - the whole story, from last november to yesterday. i told her the things that i'm not so proud of and i told her the truth about the bee. i was honest about how i felt - the guilt and the fear and the loneliness and how i missed the feeling of the baby with me. she said it's normal. crying is normal and guilt is normal and fear and loneliness and desperation are normal. which is good, because i'm feeling all those things and all sorts of things i can't even explain.

she said it was good that i want to remember. she said she recommends writing it all down, all the details because someday i'll want to remember. i like the idea of that - it's like giving it away to go back to at another time. i'm afraid that over time i won't remember how i felt - how scared and excited and terrified and happy i felt when i took that pregnancy test, or how proud i felt when i saw the very first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat for the first time. i'm terrified i won't remember how hopeful i was for baby's future and my own and i'm scared to think that i may never get to feel that way again. i don't want to forget how i felt the day i found out baby was sick; i don't ever want to take things for granted again. and i'm afraid that healing will smooth over the edges and make me forget how amazing the whole experience was and what i learned about myself in the process.

and maybe that is why i don't want to get out of bed in the morning and i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. maybe i'm afraid that getting back into a day to day life will make me forget. and i don't ever want to forget.

at the same time, i do know that i can't lie in bed forever. and i can't continue to ignore the world around me; it keeps going whether or not i'm ready - i don't have any choice. the choice i do have is deciding what kind of day i'm going to have - i can choose to cry in the morning and then get up and find some semblance of a routine, i can choose to have a particularly bad day or a decent one. every day starts with a choice just like that one. they're little decisions but they feel enormous when i don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

one thing she said that i found especially comforting was the idea that this time just wasn't right for baby. and instead of being born right now, he's in heaven, waiting for a better time. she said she coped with the death of her own baby by thinking that at another time in the future she'd get to meet him and get to realize the joy of being that baby's mother. and maybe that's true, who knows. maybe it's the same soul that is born into a baby later in life. maybe i will get to meet this amazing little person that i've become so attached to and wonder about.

i still feel like i'm not meeting people's expectations, like i'm not progressing enough or don't show the outward emotions of anger and hurt towards people that have been harmful in this situation. honestly, i am angry and i am hurt and i would like to kick him in his stupid fat head for being so insenstive and uncompassionate and such an asshole. i would love to scream and yell and carry on and tell him exactly what i think. but its not important enough right now to get riled up about, really. i can't change the way he feels or the way he thinks or what he wants to tell people - i can only deal with me. and i think it's more important right now to work on the way that i feel and what i think and how i want to project this to the outside world and find out who i am and what i want to be right now.

because it is a terrible thing - it's a terrible loss and it's not right and it's not fair. but it has also left me with an incredible opportunity and a second chance. i say that because now i know that i do want children, i want to experience being a mother and all the joy and sadness that goes with it. but i have the opportunity and the chance to do it right - with someone that i love and someone that loves me. and it won't be as stressful and scary because it will be right. i've been given the chance to discover who i am - alone - and i what i want in my life. the slate is clean at this point - i don't have anything to hold me back or hold me down. and while i would give anything to go back - to have a healthy baby and to hold on to that dream, that amazing little person - i can see that it wasn't meant to be. it breaks my heart, knowing that; it literally hurts my body to know that it wasn't meant to be. but my baby isn't suffering and won't suffer and there is some comfort in that.

is it wrong to think of this as a starting point? am i being selfish to think that i've been given another chance, to make my life right for a baby in the future, to make my life right for me? i hope not.

i'm going to try to see my doctor today. i love my doctor; i was her very first patient when she was just starting out almost seven years ago. she's amazing, she understands me and knows what i need even when i don't. that's hard to find. and i have some phone calls to make and some little things to do. anything to keep me busy, i guess. i leave for charlotte in a few days and i have to find my suitcase and figure out packing and all that crap. i'm really looking forward to my trip; i'm looking forward to getting into someone else's routine and having the hubbub of a busy house.

i'm going to go make phone calls. thanks for checking in on me.

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