i have to be awake and coherent in less than 10 hours.

i now have business socks. no, seriously, i do. we went to the mall, a mall, i have no idea where, and i bought some pants that i could have sworn were on sale, four tank tops that were on sale, some really cute brown shoes, business socks, and a shirt with business built in, because that's how i roll. i am businessed up.

now someone give me a damn job.

libbeth came up with another pro for moving to north carolina: nascar drivers live here. you see them at the grocery store. you see them in public. you see them with their wives and girlfriends (boo) and families. they live like normal people here, even the cute ones. isn't that amazing?

in fact, the more time i spend out and about in public here, people seem normal here. all sorts of normal. there is no standard because there is no normal. there are punk people and ghetto people and redneck people and preppy people and family people and no one notices anyone else - we sat in a restaurant full of people, all these wonderfully diverse people, all these wonderfully different kinds of people that weren't paying any mind to anyone else. it was just nice for a change, to be out of my little part of the world where everyone knows everyone and everyone looks the same and acts the same and thinks the same.

our dinner was good. it was nice to have a chance to talk, just the two of us. its not often that we get to just talk, you know? just talk and laugh and cry, which of course, i did, because i still cry all the time, everywhere i go. she just listened to me and tried to make me feel better. i still have bad days - rough moments, sad feelings and things come rushing over me and i can't control it. it generally doesn't last very long and i can usually control it, but for the last couple days, it's been really bad. i've cried the last couple nights and i've had especially awful dreams, too. i can tell i've progressed in the last three weeks, i really can, and i know that time will make a lot of things better. i just wish that time would make guilt go away. i don't know what makes that go away. anyone have any ideas? i'm not dealing with that part very well. :(

i really should be in bed but i'm not very tired. we're watching ryan play ps3 (which is pretty freaking amazing, by the way). i think at one point i offered to sell a kidney or a spleen or a femur or some other unnecessary body part for a ps3; now i can see why.

my interview is at 11am; which means that i have to leave the house at 10am; which is hilarious because i haven't been out of bed before 1030am since i've been here. i don't know what the hell i was thinking when i set that up. what a freaking retard.

wish me luck.