it's been a while. admit it - you missed me. it seems like the more time i have to blog the less i have to write about. what's up with that?
it's actually been kind of a busy week. it seems like every day last week i had to go to dsm for some reason. i had doctor's appointments and things just about every day last week. they all went well. i saw my therapist on thursday; she's wonderful. i just got to talk and talk about my trip. she thinks that moving will be good for me and that i'll find someone that deserves me. and she understands what i mean when i say that my days are no longer good and bad, it's more of a good moment/bad moment kind of thing that i experience. and she says that will never really go away, which i already sort of knew but hated to hear, you know?
i saw dr. mahone on friday morning. i hate that office more than i can put into words but i love that doctor so much - she is so sweet and so caring and so incredible. the first thing she said when she walked in is that she has no doubt that i will be able to have many, many healthy babies in the future. and i just broke down and cried. because i desperately wanted to hear that. no matter how much i wanted this baby, i needed to hear that from her. she did an exam and said that my body is back to normal and it won't be long before my heart doesn't hurt as much as it does right now. i find that hard to believe, but she said its the truth - it just takes time. i know she's right, because honestly it seems to be working. every day it hurts a little bit less but it's still there. some days it's a little less painful than others and other days i can't put it away - i can't shelve it, i can't put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard i try.
like right now.
but i'm learning to cope. i just tell myself that it wasn't my time, that i'll get to meet him later and that my little man is waiting for me, i just have to be patient for my someday. and then i don't feel quite so bad. or so desperate.
i'm doing things for me. thursday afternoon i went to what nigel and i affectionately call chubby kids, or what the rest of the world calls weight watchers. she's had some success with it and it could be good for me too. i don't have as much weight to lose as others but i do need to get into some good eating habits because candy and fast food aren't good eating habits unless you have my little brother's metabolism. so that's kind of cool. now i'm counting the points value of everything. except the points value of the entire bottle of crown royal i drank on friday night. apparently counting points started on saturday afternoon.
whoops.
friday was an interesting night, to say the least. i learned how to play assholes and presidents, which i still think is a made-up card game. and i sent out some mass drunk text messages, which i know were not appreciated by all recipients. (sorry.) but i did hear from a long lost ... friend? and got to spend time with him, although i have no idea what i said to him, and that sort of bothers me. but now that i know he's still out there, it's making me crazy. i think i was better off not knowing...
i really did drink myself into quite a painful state on friday - so much that i stayed home from green beer and pat benatar on saturday and so did nigel. and that's saying a lot. i slept all day yesterday and all last night. i still don't feel great - my chest feels all compressed and weird and i can't breathe. it kind of feels pneumatic but i don't have a fever or anything so i don't know what that's all about. it's probably nothing.
speaking of pneumonia, my poor, poor grandma is in the hospital. she's been having trouble breathing for some time and has been on oxygen and apparently hasn't been on enough oxygen. she went to the hospital via ambulance this morning and was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. she'll be there a few days to a week, which is sad because her birthday is this saturday and all the family is coming down. i hope she's out so she can enjoy it. i just hope she's okay. she looked perfectly awful this morning; her face was all swollen and puffy, i guess the steroids she's been taking makes her face swell but it looked terrible and it was kind of shocking. mom said she's been trying to prepare me for that but there's really no way to be prepared for that. i was really surprised. plus, she didn't have any makeup on and she looked really pale and small - she's just so tiny. it was just scary. i'm not good at stuff like that.
with the exception of two grandpas pretty much in the same weekend, i've been pretty lucky when it comes to stuff like that. that was 10 years ago. i'm not ready for anyone else to go but i probably don't get a lot of say, you know?
i got a new tattoo. it's beautiful. it's my direct connection to the baby; it's my way of honoring the baby. to me, it's better than jewelry. i'll post a picture when it heals. it's still kind of red and sore right now.
so last week i had a little too much to drink on thursday night and came home and went to bed and forgot to make my picks for my fantasy nascar league. which means that i missed the deadline and had to use the same picks from last week. i spent the last few days convinced i was going to give up my lead in my fantasy league all over an extra margarita. oh hell no! kevin harvick (my a-team driver and my dreamworld lover, oh how i love, love, love kevin harvick!) spun out tony stewart on the second to last lap to take second place and i not only held on to first place again this week (woot woot!), i won in points this week!
i know - i rule.
and with that, i'm going to bed. or rather, i'm going to go watch some csi and then i'm going to go to bed.
Showing posts with label new day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new day. Show all posts
16 March 2008
07 March 2008
i'm leaving on a jet plane...
all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go...
i love john denver. i used to work in a family-owned bridal shop run by two sisters. one sister was a tree-hugging hippie who played nothing but sentimental john denver. the other never really left the drug-heavy disco era and as such played a lot of sly and the family stone and the more risque, if it can be called that, rod stewart. their mother, bless her heart, was bat shit crazy and asked for (and received) a skid loader for her birthday. i have no idea why i'm telling you any of this.
two and a half weeks of staying up until dawn has finally caught up to me. last night, again, i was up until at least 0430, watching the x-files and listening to my ipod. i like the x-files. i really like david duchovny. but watching the x-files and listening to my ipod and imagining the dialogue on television is an entirely different experience altogether. because i can make scully as whiny as i think she should be in my mind. and instead of scaring the holy crizzap out of me, like they usually do, it was absolutely hilarious.
anyway. i was telling you that finally, this weird ass schedule is catching up with me. because i only got a few hours sleep last night and i can feel it today. generally, i don't fall asleep watching television, but because ryan had a major project due today, he was working all night and therefore i was kicked out of the office and off the futon and onto the sofa. once i finally stopped giggling at stupid scully and her dumbass pantsuits and fell asleep, i fell asleep hard. so hard i was flopping around and flopped my ass right off the sofa and onto the floor, a two thumper even. ryan thought it might have been one of the kids so he came out to see what was going on, but he said he could tell it was me by the way i was sitting up, mumbling with my eyes wide open. he tried to talk to me but i never responded. he's lucky. i say some weird ass stuff in my sleep. some day, i'll ask libbeth to guest post about the intricacies of the janel. you will laugh your ass off.
another pro: you can buy schweppes ginger ale down here. that's the good stuff. none of that nasty ass canada dry crap.
so yes. i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i'm all packed. my clothes are laid out and i'm as ready as i can be this evening. i'm experiencing the same sort of anxiety that i did as an eight-year-old prior to the first night of school. because i don't want to leave. part of me wants to stay, because let's face it: i'm on vacation and who ever wants that to end? der. part of me wants to stay because i don't want to leave this little family i've grown to love so much. but i also don't want to leave because i don't want to have to face the reality and bullshit in iowa either. it would be really easy to just let it all go, leave all the responsibility behind and run away. but i can't do that again.
so today i made a list of all the things i have to accomplish upon my return, and i'm sure it's not complete. i know i haven't thought of all of them and i know it will only get longer. i also made a list of things i need to do before i move, some of these are the same thing, some are a little different. because ultimately, i would like to spend 2-3 weeks back in iowa and then come back down here, to interview and stay for a while or for work and to move, however it happens to work out. did you hear that? i've decided i want to move. now, i don't want to live on the futon and i know they don't want me to. but i'd like to come back down and get things in place, whatever that happens to be.
around that time, libbeth should be having or should have already had the baby and i may be able to assist around the house and with the other kids. i will never be able to repay them for the good that they've done me the last 19 days - and i don't even mean opening their home or feeding me, because i probably won't be able to repay them for that either - this trip has been so very therapeutic and good for my soul. i feel so much better, in my head and in my heart, and i know it's because i was able to get away and look at my life from a distance, another perspective.
that said, i would only like to come back as long as i am able to help and i'm not in the way. because a new baby, or a baby soon on the way certainly changes the way a household operates. and another house guest can certainly make things more difficult. so i want she and ryan to discuss that before i knock on their door.
but that is my plan, as of yet, anyway. i'll let you know if it changes. and for now, i'm going to go to bed. or go lie down. it's barely the crack of midnight and i'm going to try to go to sleep. sha, right. but i do have to be up early; my flight leaves at 10am. wtf was i thinking?
ugh. gnite.
i love john denver. i used to work in a family-owned bridal shop run by two sisters. one sister was a tree-hugging hippie who played nothing but sentimental john denver. the other never really left the drug-heavy disco era and as such played a lot of sly and the family stone and the more risque, if it can be called that, rod stewart. their mother, bless her heart, was bat shit crazy and asked for (and received) a skid loader for her birthday. i have no idea why i'm telling you any of this.
two and a half weeks of staying up until dawn has finally caught up to me. last night, again, i was up until at least 0430, watching the x-files and listening to my ipod. i like the x-files. i really like david duchovny. but watching the x-files and listening to my ipod and imagining the dialogue on television is an entirely different experience altogether. because i can make scully as whiny as i think she should be in my mind. and instead of scaring the holy crizzap out of me, like they usually do, it was absolutely hilarious.
anyway. i was telling you that finally, this weird ass schedule is catching up with me. because i only got a few hours sleep last night and i can feel it today. generally, i don't fall asleep watching television, but because ryan had a major project due today, he was working all night and therefore i was kicked out of the office and off the futon and onto the sofa. once i finally stopped giggling at stupid scully and her dumbass pantsuits and fell asleep, i fell asleep hard. so hard i was flopping around and flopped my ass right off the sofa and onto the floor, a two thumper even. ryan thought it might have been one of the kids so he came out to see what was going on, but he said he could tell it was me by the way i was sitting up, mumbling with my eyes wide open. he tried to talk to me but i never responded. he's lucky. i say some weird ass stuff in my sleep. some day, i'll ask libbeth to guest post about the intricacies of the janel. you will laugh your ass off.
another pro: you can buy schweppes ginger ale down here. that's the good stuff. none of that nasty ass canada dry crap.
so yes. i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i'm all packed. my clothes are laid out and i'm as ready as i can be this evening. i'm experiencing the same sort of anxiety that i did as an eight-year-old prior to the first night of school. because i don't want to leave. part of me wants to stay, because let's face it: i'm on vacation and who ever wants that to end? der. part of me wants to stay because i don't want to leave this little family i've grown to love so much. but i also don't want to leave because i don't want to have to face the reality and bullshit in iowa either. it would be really easy to just let it all go, leave all the responsibility behind and run away. but i can't do that again.
so today i made a list of all the things i have to accomplish upon my return, and i'm sure it's not complete. i know i haven't thought of all of them and i know it will only get longer. i also made a list of things i need to do before i move, some of these are the same thing, some are a little different. because ultimately, i would like to spend 2-3 weeks back in iowa and then come back down here, to interview and stay for a while or for work and to move, however it happens to work out. did you hear that? i've decided i want to move. now, i don't want to live on the futon and i know they don't want me to. but i'd like to come back down and get things in place, whatever that happens to be.
around that time, libbeth should be having or should have already had the baby and i may be able to assist around the house and with the other kids. i will never be able to repay them for the good that they've done me the last 19 days - and i don't even mean opening their home or feeding me, because i probably won't be able to repay them for that either - this trip has been so very therapeutic and good for my soul. i feel so much better, in my head and in my heart, and i know it's because i was able to get away and look at my life from a distance, another perspective.
that said, i would only like to come back as long as i am able to help and i'm not in the way. because a new baby, or a baby soon on the way certainly changes the way a household operates. and another house guest can certainly make things more difficult. so i want she and ryan to discuss that before i knock on their door.
but that is my plan, as of yet, anyway. i'll let you know if it changes. and for now, i'm going to go to bed. or go lie down. it's barely the crack of midnight and i'm going to try to go to sleep. sha, right. but i do have to be up early; my flight leaves at 10am. wtf was i thinking?
ugh. gnite.
28 February 2008
thirsty thursday = liquid lunch
a piece of advice for those of you that might be interested in obtaining a job: business socks just might work. however, if you're going to buy business shoes, buy the right size. business shoes that are too small freaking suck. i didn't buy them on purpose, i'm just retarded and can't read. but don't tell that to my potential future employer. because i think i distinctly remember telling him that i can actually read.
so here's the scoop: the interview went well. the potential employer is originally from iowa (score one for the janel!) and is looking for someone to fill an agent assistant/marketing assistant/sales assistant kind of position. there is all sorts of licensing and training to be completed. but based on the feedback i received and the vibes i picked up on, i feel really positive about the entire experience. i may receive a job offer in a few days. and then i will need to make a decision about moving.
everything happens for a reason, right? everything happens so that something else can happen, doesn't it? god never closes a door without opening another, right? the chapter of my life that has just ended, no matter how sadly or tragically is the beginning of another - and i love the idea of a fresh start. new beginnings doesn't mean not remembering, and i need to keep that in mind. i couldn't sleep last night, i just lied there and cried for what seemed like the longest time. and i thought about calling my mom but i didn't want to wake her up. then i just decided to have a heart to heart with the baby. i even called him by name, which i've never done before. and before long, i wasn't crying anymore and i could sleep. i just felt better. i don't know if that's healthy or even recommended or anything, but it made me feel better.
anyway. that's what's going on. i think we're going to lunch soon. now that i'm done wearing my new pants i can eat again. bring on the white bread and carbs and beer. seriously. i may have beer for lunch. what are you going to do about it?
yeah, that's what i thought. punk. :)
so here's the scoop: the interview went well. the potential employer is originally from iowa (score one for the janel!) and is looking for someone to fill an agent assistant/marketing assistant/sales assistant kind of position. there is all sorts of licensing and training to be completed. but based on the feedback i received and the vibes i picked up on, i feel really positive about the entire experience. i may receive a job offer in a few days. and then i will need to make a decision about moving.
everything happens for a reason, right? everything happens so that something else can happen, doesn't it? god never closes a door without opening another, right? the chapter of my life that has just ended, no matter how sadly or tragically is the beginning of another - and i love the idea of a fresh start. new beginnings doesn't mean not remembering, and i need to keep that in mind. i couldn't sleep last night, i just lied there and cried for what seemed like the longest time. and i thought about calling my mom but i didn't want to wake her up. then i just decided to have a heart to heart with the baby. i even called him by name, which i've never done before. and before long, i wasn't crying anymore and i could sleep. i just felt better. i don't know if that's healthy or even recommended or anything, but it made me feel better.
anyway. that's what's going on. i think we're going to lunch soon. now that i'm done wearing my new pants i can eat again. bring on the white bread and carbs and beer. seriously. i may have beer for lunch. what are you going to do about it?
yeah, that's what i thought. punk. :)
25 February 2008
blockbuster is taking you away!
my guts are in serious dismay. i hate mcdonalds. it's a meal you can't deny; or at least i can't deny. i can't go to mcdonalds and not eat or be around people eating mcdonalds and not eat. so i ate it. and now i'm suffering because of it. i read fast food nation (and you should too, if you haven't already) - i know what goes on there. and i still eat at fast food restaurants. what can i say? i'm a sucker for sodium and trans fats.
but, eating at mcdonalds obviously means that i got out of the house today and i didn't even have to hold anyone at gunpoint. out and about in the sunshine and 60 degree weather - it was beautiful today and i loved every second of it. we even had the ac on in the car - can you believe it? anyway. libbeth showed me a couple of the more eclectic neighborhoods in town (eclectic meaning upcoming, somewhat snooty and overpriced), as well as the university and the university neighborhoods, and the speedway, which is much larger than it looks on television. it was good to get out and see things, get some fresh air and some sunshine - that really helps my mood, my temperament, my overall wellbeing. i feel much calmer today, more relaxed.
plus... i got a job interview. i have to call tomorrow morning to set up a time, but its thursday or friday. i don't know that it's my dream job, but it's work and work is good. it's something to occupy my mind. obviously, if it's thursday or friday, it's here in north carolina, so a job would be an obvious pro for the list. i was talking to libbeth today, and she asked me what i would do if i actually got a job while i was on vacation. and i have no idea. how would that work?
"sure, i'll take this job, but i'm going to need a two week vacay - and soon, damn it - so i can get my affairs in order and my life in order and i can go drinking one last time with one of my best good friends so we can get wasted and sing pat benatar. plus, i may or may not have a date with one of wayne county's finest and i would like to accomplish that just to see if that pubic hair thing is true."
(that last part was a joke, mom. i don't really have a date with him.)
but i don't think that statement is going to help in getting me hired anywhere. so that leaves me in a pickle. a quandary of sorts. hmmm...
but i'm putting the cart before the horse. shit. i don't even have a cart and i don't know anyone with a horse. LOL!
but you know what a job interview means? shopping! because in all my infinite brilliantness, i did not bring any clothes suitable for greeting potential paycheck-givers. so a-shopping we shall go. woohoo! :D
i'm kind of excited. and that's a good feeling.
but, eating at mcdonalds obviously means that i got out of the house today and i didn't even have to hold anyone at gunpoint. out and about in the sunshine and 60 degree weather - it was beautiful today and i loved every second of it. we even had the ac on in the car - can you believe it? anyway. libbeth showed me a couple of the more eclectic neighborhoods in town (eclectic meaning upcoming, somewhat snooty and overpriced), as well as the university and the university neighborhoods, and the speedway, which is much larger than it looks on television. it was good to get out and see things, get some fresh air and some sunshine - that really helps my mood, my temperament, my overall wellbeing. i feel much calmer today, more relaxed.
plus... i got a job interview. i have to call tomorrow morning to set up a time, but its thursday or friday. i don't know that it's my dream job, but it's work and work is good. it's something to occupy my mind. obviously, if it's thursday or friday, it's here in north carolina, so a job would be an obvious pro for the list. i was talking to libbeth today, and she asked me what i would do if i actually got a job while i was on vacation. and i have no idea. how would that work?
"sure, i'll take this job, but i'm going to need a two week vacay - and soon, damn it - so i can get my affairs in order and my life in order and i can go drinking one last time with one of my best good friends so we can get wasted and sing pat benatar. plus, i may or may not have a date with one of wayne county's finest and i would like to accomplish that just to see if that pubic hair thing is true."
(that last part was a joke, mom. i don't really have a date with him.)
but i don't think that statement is going to help in getting me hired anywhere. so that leaves me in a pickle. a quandary of sorts. hmmm...
but i'm putting the cart before the horse. shit. i don't even have a cart and i don't know anyone with a horse. LOL!
but you know what a job interview means? shopping! because in all my infinite brilliantness, i did not bring any clothes suitable for greeting potential paycheck-givers. so a-shopping we shall go. woohoo! :D
i'm kind of excited. and that's a good feeling.
20 February 2008
deep sleep and very clean teeth
i have not slept so deeply, so soundly, and without the aid of drugs, in weeks. i feel good this morning. we were up until nearly dawn - about 4am - just talking and talking and watching ry (libbeth's husband) play video games. i feel so comfortable here, it's like another home. i love the kids, i love the pets - it's just easy to be here.
my flights yesterday were uneventful, kudos to delta for not losing my luggage or destroying my brother's suitcase. atlanta was not nearly as intimidating as i'd imagined and in fact, my flight to charlotte arrived about 40 minutes early. i've never had that happen before. we went to dinner last night at an italian restaurant, carraba's, and ate ravioli and chocolate dream dessert. (yum!) the kids are just as awesome as i remembered and the baby has blossomed into this wonderful little girly girl. she's adorable.
i got the coolest birthday present from libbeth and the family last night. they surprised me with a sonicare toothbrush. we had to first try it out in the glass of water, like they do on television and you know what? it works. that is one powerful beast. and my teeth are so clean. shiny clean. amazingly shiny clean. and when you use it, it tickles your gums. it's the coolest toothbrush ever.
the weather is beautiful today. it's going to be mid 60s today and mid 40s tomorrow. and while that's not terribly warm, it's still warmer than home and i'll take it and not complain.
okay. i'm going to go watch cartoons and find something to eat. i'm having fun, being smart and being safe. more to come late. love, superjanel
my flights yesterday were uneventful, kudos to delta for not losing my luggage or destroying my brother's suitcase. atlanta was not nearly as intimidating as i'd imagined and in fact, my flight to charlotte arrived about 40 minutes early. i've never had that happen before. we went to dinner last night at an italian restaurant, carraba's, and ate ravioli and chocolate dream dessert. (yum!) the kids are just as awesome as i remembered and the baby has blossomed into this wonderful little girly girl. she's adorable.
i got the coolest birthday present from libbeth and the family last night. they surprised me with a sonicare toothbrush. we had to first try it out in the glass of water, like they do on television and you know what? it works. that is one powerful beast. and my teeth are so clean. shiny clean. amazingly shiny clean. and when you use it, it tickles your gums. it's the coolest toothbrush ever.
the weather is beautiful today. it's going to be mid 60s today and mid 40s tomorrow. and while that's not terribly warm, it's still warmer than home and i'll take it and not complain.
okay. i'm going to go watch cartoons and find something to eat. i'm having fun, being smart and being safe. more to come late. love, superjanel
18 February 2008
and that is the end of that.
i purposely avoided saying anything yesterday, but i heard from the bee. phone calls and text messages. apparently the idea of my leaving finally got to him - he felt compelled to contact me, for whatever reason. so 2am on sunday morning, there he was. luckily for me, i was sleeping. but i woke up to "u don't know what you mean 2 me" and "i know you think i'm an asshole, but you don't have any idea what that loss, and your leaving, is doing to me. i had it good and i didn't know it..."
i texted back: "who is this?"
we talked last night. we talked about all the reasons he didn't come through for me, which really, he gave me none. his excuses were paltry and pathetic - he stammered and hemmed and hawwed and i know nothing more than i knew a week ago - but i feel better because he knows that i suffered. and i am suffering. he knows that i don't need him to get through this, because i'm recovering, and i can't say the same for him.
he claims he never said the awful and horrible things that i was told he said. i let him tell me that without arguing to the contrary. he is notorious for saying things and then "forgetting" that he said them. whatever makes him feel better. obviously those words weren't meant for my ears, but that's beside the point.
i came clean about a lot of things, and childish or not, it's a load off my shoulders. he replied with hateful words, which i knew that he would, and i didn't let it bother me. because a) i know the truth and i know he knows the truth and b) there was no good to come out of this conversation in the first place. i wasn't looking for some miracle reconciliation, in fact, i was really hoping it wouldn't turn into that. i guess i was just looking for civility, which i got for a while, but ended when he turned vulgar and hung up.
some things will never change. but at least they won't be my issues to deal with in the future. i'm washing my hands of the situation and it feels good to do so.
and so that is that. coming back next month and moving out of the apartment, i'll have to decide whether or not to contact him - he left a couple of things there that i know he still really wants. i could be a bitch and let him buy them back on ebay. or i could just leave them on his parent's porch. we'll see.
today i'm headed to the big city with my momma for some lunch and some shopping. apparently in order to shop we have to get her half schnockered, which she says actually works to my advantage. i'll let you know how this works out. but i need a few things from my apartment, and i'd like to clean out some baby-related items as well, to add to the collection mom is keeping for me. i don't know where any of it is, but i've asked that she keep all my momentos in one spot. one day i'll want them, i'll be able to look at them. i just can't do it right now.
have a good day. thanks for looking in on me. i'm still here. :)
i texted back: "who is this?"
we talked last night. we talked about all the reasons he didn't come through for me, which really, he gave me none. his excuses were paltry and pathetic - he stammered and hemmed and hawwed and i know nothing more than i knew a week ago - but i feel better because he knows that i suffered. and i am suffering. he knows that i don't need him to get through this, because i'm recovering, and i can't say the same for him.
he claims he never said the awful and horrible things that i was told he said. i let him tell me that without arguing to the contrary. he is notorious for saying things and then "forgetting" that he said them. whatever makes him feel better. obviously those words weren't meant for my ears, but that's beside the point.
i came clean about a lot of things, and childish or not, it's a load off my shoulders. he replied with hateful words, which i knew that he would, and i didn't let it bother me. because a) i know the truth and i know he knows the truth and b) there was no good to come out of this conversation in the first place. i wasn't looking for some miracle reconciliation, in fact, i was really hoping it wouldn't turn into that. i guess i was just looking for civility, which i got for a while, but ended when he turned vulgar and hung up.
some things will never change. but at least they won't be my issues to deal with in the future. i'm washing my hands of the situation and it feels good to do so.
and so that is that. coming back next month and moving out of the apartment, i'll have to decide whether or not to contact him - he left a couple of things there that i know he still really wants. i could be a bitch and let him buy them back on ebay. or i could just leave them on his parent's porch. we'll see.
today i'm headed to the big city with my momma for some lunch and some shopping. apparently in order to shop we have to get her half schnockered, which she says actually works to my advantage. i'll let you know how this works out. but i need a few things from my apartment, and i'd like to clean out some baby-related items as well, to add to the collection mom is keeping for me. i don't know where any of it is, but i've asked that she keep all my momentos in one spot. one day i'll want them, i'll be able to look at them. i just can't do it right now.
have a good day. thanks for looking in on me. i'm still here. :)
16 February 2008
my tequila sunrise
have you ever had one of those days when you have so much to say and you can't get it to come out of your mouth? perhaps i've pickled my brain with tequila. maybe i've had so little sleep in the last couple of days my mind is just shutting down (come buy a car, get a smokin' deal!). it's possible i've had entirely too much caffiene (i can't tell you how much i've missed soda, oh my goodness). i'm just really fidgety, can't complete a thought, having trouble completing a sentence and my spelling sucks. wth?
and btw, the spell checker is *still* broken.
so thursday night was the night i stopped taking ambien. instead, i thought i'd bridge the gap with advil pm. "fast acting, long lasting - fall asleep fast, stay asleep longer." the bottle says no more than two in a 24-hour period - any rational person would assume that taking two is going to knock your ass out for at least 14 hours, allowing for deep, comfortable, restful sleep. at 8:30, i take two, i lie down, i experience a bit of dizziness not unlike a really good beer buzz and i pass out at about 11 pm. two hours and 39 minutes later, my eyes pop open and i'm awake for the day. wtf? two hours and 39 minutes is long lasting? i'm staying asleep longer? those people making advil pm are a bunch of lying motherfuckers and i want a damn refund.
sleep tally: thursday - 2 hours, 39 minutes.
friday, yesterday, i worked. it was a crazy day; went by fast. spent a lot of time stressing about going out and a potential run in with the bee. i was advised by my mom to confront it head on, go out, do what i want to do and if i see him, let it run its course. i think the actual conversation actually included the phrase, "...let him get drunk and get in a fight and get thrown out of the bar. let him try to take a swing at you, the stupid motherfucker..." or something to that effect. i decided to confront it not head on, but from a little bit of an angle instead. i warmed up by sitting at nigel's house and watching the spongebob movie with her and the kids. (it's actually a cute flick. a little predictable, but being able to predict the plot of a cartoon movie for 7-year-olds doesn't hardly make me a rocket scientist.) nigel and i then went to dinner, sat at a local restaurant for a couple hours, eating nachos and drinking tequila sunrises and just talking.
first off - i haven't spent time with nigel's kids in months. when you get into a relationship, well, when i get into a relationship my friendships always tend to suffer. its always been that way. its a bit of a combination of choosing guys that my friends don't really get along with and choosing the guy over my friends, which i should know by now never works out. my friends know me well enough that i really should trust their judgement more often. but i get so caught up in the new relationship feeling - that exciting, mysterious, butterfly, is-he-ever-going-to-call feeling - that i end up choosing the chase of the new over the existing and solid friendship. but friends being friends, they take me back, faults and all, dust me off after i've been knocked around and help me do it all over again - hopefully just a little smarter the next time.
where in the hell was i going with this? nigel's kids. i've been kind of worried that i'm going to resent people with kids. (sort of a big worry, since i'm spending nearly the next three weeks with my best friend who has a tribe of them.) i decided last night to stop over at nigel's house - i haven't been there in forever. i called to make sure they were home and walked in the door, and they instantly were screaming my name, wanting to show me video games and toys and talk and it felt so good. i just got this warm feeling inside, like you know when you've been missed. they'd missed me and i had honestly missed them. that was a good decision. and i'm no longer worrying about hanging out with kids.
second, nigel and i have had some tough times recently. i have been such an emotional and hormonal disaster that i haven't been able to communicate clearly with anyone. and because of my relationship with the bee, my relationship with nigel has suffered. she was a (silent) nay-sayer but supportive of me because that's what friends do. dinner and drinks and talking and laughing was amazing and so freeing and i can tell her anything about anything and she doesn't judge but she doesn't hold back. i've only known a few people in my life like this; she really is an incredible friend. we had a great time.
after dinner we decided to go out to the bar. (a bar that the bee has already been kicked out of, lol. no worries there.) and i saw all the people that i've been wanting to see, with the exception of one, and had all the conversations i needed to have and it was great. it was exactly what i needed. there was no pressure to be or say or do anything and it was perfect. no drama, no setbacks, i feel so much better today. and while i'm still not ready to take on a drunken bee, i'm not afraid to show my face in public. because the people that care about me know what's happened and they know the truth and they know i'm hurting and they know that just by being there and being normal, they're helping me cope. i have great friends.
people continue to surprise me. maybe i underestimate them. i spent the majority of the time spent out last night talking to an old "friend" from high school. well, i should clarify that - friend isn't really the right word. he had a crowd, i had a crowd and the crowds didn't mix. in fact, we were both under the impression that we couldn't stand each other when really we didn't give each other a lot of thought. so the term "friend" is applied loosely. but we last night we talked and talked and talked. and i learned that he's actually a pretty sincere conversationalist. we talked about the loss of his father, his wife and his grandfather. we talked about the loss of my baby and demise of the bee. we talked about mutual friends and our families. i wasn't really able to drive home, so he drove me back to corydon and we ended up sitting in his basement until the wee hours of the morning. and for having skinny lips, he's not a bad kisser.
in fact, he's kind of cute. we might be able to hang out if we were both able to check our egos at the door. but i've said it before and i'll say it again - the best way to get over a boy is to get under a new one.
and i wonder why my intimate relationships are all so demented.
while i was locking lips with one of wayne county's finest (can i pick 'em or what?!), my mom was up stressing, because that's what moms do, and especially my mom. i sent her a text at 345 in the morning and she called me right up. which was actually pretty handy, because it turned out i was making wrong turns out in bfe gravel road hell and she had to google my location and give me directions home.
it didn't take much to pickle my brain, i'm telling you.
i got home around 4, went to bed and fell asleep about 5. back up at 7 to be at work this morning. i'm not complaining - i'm not feeling nearly as bad as nigel, and i didn't even pull the classic janel "let's get to know each other, let me puke all over your house" introductory move last night. life is good.
sleep tally: friday night - 2 hours
oh yeah.
we're preparing for another blizzard here in southern iowa. which is fucking awesome. we love snow. once again, in the words of the great michael scott: "reverse psychology is an awesome tool, i don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. works like a charm."
word.
and btw, the spell checker is *still* broken.
so thursday night was the night i stopped taking ambien. instead, i thought i'd bridge the gap with advil pm. "fast acting, long lasting - fall asleep fast, stay asleep longer." the bottle says no more than two in a 24-hour period - any rational person would assume that taking two is going to knock your ass out for at least 14 hours, allowing for deep, comfortable, restful sleep. at 8:30, i take two, i lie down, i experience a bit of dizziness not unlike a really good beer buzz and i pass out at about 11 pm. two hours and 39 minutes later, my eyes pop open and i'm awake for the day. wtf? two hours and 39 minutes is long lasting? i'm staying asleep longer? those people making advil pm are a bunch of lying motherfuckers and i want a damn refund.
sleep tally: thursday - 2 hours, 39 minutes.
friday, yesterday, i worked. it was a crazy day; went by fast. spent a lot of time stressing about going out and a potential run in with the bee. i was advised by my mom to confront it head on, go out, do what i want to do and if i see him, let it run its course. i think the actual conversation actually included the phrase, "...let him get drunk and get in a fight and get thrown out of the bar. let him try to take a swing at you, the stupid motherfucker..." or something to that effect. i decided to confront it not head on, but from a little bit of an angle instead. i warmed up by sitting at nigel's house and watching the spongebob movie with her and the kids. (it's actually a cute flick. a little predictable, but being able to predict the plot of a cartoon movie for 7-year-olds doesn't hardly make me a rocket scientist.) nigel and i then went to dinner, sat at a local restaurant for a couple hours, eating nachos and drinking tequila sunrises and just talking.
first off - i haven't spent time with nigel's kids in months. when you get into a relationship, well, when i get into a relationship my friendships always tend to suffer. its always been that way. its a bit of a combination of choosing guys that my friends don't really get along with and choosing the guy over my friends, which i should know by now never works out. my friends know me well enough that i really should trust their judgement more often. but i get so caught up in the new relationship feeling - that exciting, mysterious, butterfly, is-he-ever-going-to-call feeling - that i end up choosing the chase of the new over the existing and solid friendship. but friends being friends, they take me back, faults and all, dust me off after i've been knocked around and help me do it all over again - hopefully just a little smarter the next time.
where in the hell was i going with this? nigel's kids. i've been kind of worried that i'm going to resent people with kids. (sort of a big worry, since i'm spending nearly the next three weeks with my best friend who has a tribe of them.) i decided last night to stop over at nigel's house - i haven't been there in forever. i called to make sure they were home and walked in the door, and they instantly were screaming my name, wanting to show me video games and toys and talk and it felt so good. i just got this warm feeling inside, like you know when you've been missed. they'd missed me and i had honestly missed them. that was a good decision. and i'm no longer worrying about hanging out with kids.
second, nigel and i have had some tough times recently. i have been such an emotional and hormonal disaster that i haven't been able to communicate clearly with anyone. and because of my relationship with the bee, my relationship with nigel has suffered. she was a (silent) nay-sayer but supportive of me because that's what friends do. dinner and drinks and talking and laughing was amazing and so freeing and i can tell her anything about anything and she doesn't judge but she doesn't hold back. i've only known a few people in my life like this; she really is an incredible friend. we had a great time.
after dinner we decided to go out to the bar. (a bar that the bee has already been kicked out of, lol. no worries there.) and i saw all the people that i've been wanting to see, with the exception of one, and had all the conversations i needed to have and it was great. it was exactly what i needed. there was no pressure to be or say or do anything and it was perfect. no drama, no setbacks, i feel so much better today. and while i'm still not ready to take on a drunken bee, i'm not afraid to show my face in public. because the people that care about me know what's happened and they know the truth and they know i'm hurting and they know that just by being there and being normal, they're helping me cope. i have great friends.
people continue to surprise me. maybe i underestimate them. i spent the majority of the time spent out last night talking to an old "friend" from high school. well, i should clarify that - friend isn't really the right word. he had a crowd, i had a crowd and the crowds didn't mix. in fact, we were both under the impression that we couldn't stand each other when really we didn't give each other a lot of thought. so the term "friend" is applied loosely. but we last night we talked and talked and talked. and i learned that he's actually a pretty sincere conversationalist. we talked about the loss of his father, his wife and his grandfather. we talked about the loss of my baby and demise of the bee. we talked about mutual friends and our families. i wasn't really able to drive home, so he drove me back to corydon and we ended up sitting in his basement until the wee hours of the morning. and for having skinny lips, he's not a bad kisser.
in fact, he's kind of cute. we might be able to hang out if we were both able to check our egos at the door. but i've said it before and i'll say it again - the best way to get over a boy is to get under a new one.
and i wonder why my intimate relationships are all so demented.
while i was locking lips with one of wayne county's finest (can i pick 'em or what?!), my mom was up stressing, because that's what moms do, and especially my mom. i sent her a text at 345 in the morning and she called me right up. which was actually pretty handy, because it turned out i was making wrong turns out in bfe gravel road hell and she had to google my location and give me directions home.
it didn't take much to pickle my brain, i'm telling you.
i got home around 4, went to bed and fell asleep about 5. back up at 7 to be at work this morning. i'm not complaining - i'm not feeling nearly as bad as nigel, and i didn't even pull the classic janel "let's get to know each other, let me puke all over your house" introductory move last night. life is good.
sleep tally: friday night - 2 hours
oh yeah.
we're preparing for another blizzard here in southern iowa. which is fucking awesome. we love snow. once again, in the words of the great michael scott: "reverse psychology is an awesome tool, i don't know if you guys know about it, but basically you can make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. works like a charm."
word.
13 February 2008
the biggest lies are the ones we tell ourselves
i had the biggest realization today. i was driving home from my dad's house and thinking about things, like i tend to do, and my mind was just wandering from topic to topic, person to person. and i came to think about someone i think about a lot, someone i've thought about for a long time. and it dawned on me - 99 percent of the time i was with the bee, i couldn't stand him.
he made me crazy. he embarassed me, he angered me, he bored me - and when i was with him, i was thinking about other people. about three weeks ago, i made a list while i was trying to make a decision, a list of things i liked and things i didn't like. and that list was so far off balance, it made me feel bad for writing it. i'm not going to post it here - you already know he's not perfect, you don't need to know specific faults (at least not now) but it's not a positive thing. and instead of making a decision i knew had to be made, i stuck it out for another week and tried to make it work.
i told him i loved him in reply; about six weeks into our "relationship." at that point, i was still seeing someone else. i don't think i ever really loved the bee. i cared about him but it was never love. i was never completely faithful to the bee - if i found that someone was doing to me what i was doing to him, i'd never forgive them. but it never felt like cheating because it felt like a game. omg, what an awful thing to say.
maybe i stuck it out because he cared about me, or said he did. maybe i felt like he was a project, someone i could make into the perfect boyfriend. maybe i did it because i knew no one cared for him - none of my friends, none of my family - and i wanted to prove them wrong. and that's where i go wrong. when i force things to work, when i force things in my life, they go wrong. my mom once told me that the harder i push for the things that aren't right and the things that aren't meant to be, the harder life will push back at me and the more difficult things will be. i couldn't see it before but that is so right.
i knew from the beginning that this wasn't right - the circumstances under which we became a couple were embarassing to me, he wasn't right for me, it wasn't working for either of us - but i pushed and pushed until i got what i thought i wanted. and i wanted someone, anyone, to fill that void. and when i thought i needed a baby, i pushed that too. and none of it was right - for me, for the time.
i don't need to grieve for the bee or for that relationship - that was doomed from the very beginning. deep down i know that and i've known that for a long time. it wasn't healthy, it wasn't good and everyone around me could see it except for me. i don't need him - he was never there for me, he never understood me, he never had the same goals as i do, he wasn't really the person i wanted to be with. i know that. i don't need him in my life to be happy. i don't really know what i need; i just know it isn't him.
that is such a liberating statement. i probably won't feel the same way tomorrow, but this is progress, right? right. i'm going to go do laundry and eat cookies. lunch at my dad's house was gross, as always. but i took my own can of soda so i didn't have to look in their refrigerator, thank god.
thanks for checking in on me. i do appreciate it. :)
he made me crazy. he embarassed me, he angered me, he bored me - and when i was with him, i was thinking about other people. about three weeks ago, i made a list while i was trying to make a decision, a list of things i liked and things i didn't like. and that list was so far off balance, it made me feel bad for writing it. i'm not going to post it here - you already know he's not perfect, you don't need to know specific faults (at least not now) but it's not a positive thing. and instead of making a decision i knew had to be made, i stuck it out for another week and tried to make it work.
i told him i loved him in reply; about six weeks into our "relationship." at that point, i was still seeing someone else. i don't think i ever really loved the bee. i cared about him but it was never love. i was never completely faithful to the bee - if i found that someone was doing to me what i was doing to him, i'd never forgive them. but it never felt like cheating because it felt like a game. omg, what an awful thing to say.
maybe i stuck it out because he cared about me, or said he did. maybe i felt like he was a project, someone i could make into the perfect boyfriend. maybe i did it because i knew no one cared for him - none of my friends, none of my family - and i wanted to prove them wrong. and that's where i go wrong. when i force things to work, when i force things in my life, they go wrong. my mom once told me that the harder i push for the things that aren't right and the things that aren't meant to be, the harder life will push back at me and the more difficult things will be. i couldn't see it before but that is so right.
i knew from the beginning that this wasn't right - the circumstances under which we became a couple were embarassing to me, he wasn't right for me, it wasn't working for either of us - but i pushed and pushed until i got what i thought i wanted. and i wanted someone, anyone, to fill that void. and when i thought i needed a baby, i pushed that too. and none of it was right - for me, for the time.
i don't need to grieve for the bee or for that relationship - that was doomed from the very beginning. deep down i know that and i've known that for a long time. it wasn't healthy, it wasn't good and everyone around me could see it except for me. i don't need him - he was never there for me, he never understood me, he never had the same goals as i do, he wasn't really the person i wanted to be with. i know that. i don't need him in my life to be happy. i don't really know what i need; i just know it isn't him.
that is such a liberating statement. i probably won't feel the same way tomorrow, but this is progress, right? right. i'm going to go do laundry and eat cookies. lunch at my dad's house was gross, as always. but i took my own can of soda so i didn't have to look in their refrigerator, thank god.
thanks for checking in on me. i do appreciate it. :)
and again...
i'm going to have to stop using ambien to sleep at night. it's becoming all too easy to get that anxious feeling when it gets dark, come downstairs and take a pill and then just wait for my eyelids to get so heavy i can't bear to stay awake any longer. i don't know if i can fall asleep on my own anymore - i don't know if i can stay asleep on my own anymore. i should probably try before i get far away from home and my doctor and unable to function. i feel like i should conserve the few i have left for really sleepless nights; i'm sure there will be some.
i don't feel as desperate this morning. i just feel a little numb. some of that may be medicine. i'm upping some dosages and starting new ones altogether and my vision has been blurry for about 20 minutes after waking for the last couple days. i'm not sure what that is about but like i said, desperation is down and calmness is up, so i'll take it.
i went to the doctor yesterday and she had no magic solutions, no amazing words of wisdom. all she could do was medically affirm my decision and tell me that i had the best doctor in the world to help me through this with my perinatologist. she told me (like my mom and my counselor and the nurses) that dr. mahone would not have conducted such a procedure if she thought there was a chance for my baby. she cried for me and with me and hugged me and then she told me that it's okay to see this as an opportunity to make my life better and to get ready for a baby in the future. and that seems to be my biggest struggle right now: guilt associated with moving on, with being happy, an overall sense of sadness and loss. i suppose that gets better with time, that's what i'm told. i'm just really raw right now - nothing comes out right and i'm sort of insensitive to everyone around me. i feel like everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it and yet its the only thing i can think about. that gets better too, right?
i'm noticing small moments of normalcy: a passage in a book that makes me laugh, an exchange with my brother that makes me giggle, stressing over my skin, being able to eat dinner and spend time by myself. all signs that i'm surviving and breathing and carrying on.
i'm going to go have my taxes done this afternoon. my nice but weird stepmom is an accountant and she's done them for me in the past and has offered to do them again. my dad has been bugging me to come out and see him so i'll take the afternoon to spend with them. it always feels like such a chore - isn't that an awful thing to say? they're weird, they eat weird food and say weird things and keep weird things in their refrigerator (uncovered! it's so disgusting!) but it's my dad.
so i'm going to get cleaned up and go get gas and go have weird food for lunch. wish me luck.
thanks for checking in on me.
i don't feel as desperate this morning. i just feel a little numb. some of that may be medicine. i'm upping some dosages and starting new ones altogether and my vision has been blurry for about 20 minutes after waking for the last couple days. i'm not sure what that is about but like i said, desperation is down and calmness is up, so i'll take it.
i went to the doctor yesterday and she had no magic solutions, no amazing words of wisdom. all she could do was medically affirm my decision and tell me that i had the best doctor in the world to help me through this with my perinatologist. she told me (like my mom and my counselor and the nurses) that dr. mahone would not have conducted such a procedure if she thought there was a chance for my baby. she cried for me and with me and hugged me and then she told me that it's okay to see this as an opportunity to make my life better and to get ready for a baby in the future. and that seems to be my biggest struggle right now: guilt associated with moving on, with being happy, an overall sense of sadness and loss. i suppose that gets better with time, that's what i'm told. i'm just really raw right now - nothing comes out right and i'm sort of insensitive to everyone around me. i feel like everyone is tired of hearing me talk about it and yet its the only thing i can think about. that gets better too, right?
i'm noticing small moments of normalcy: a passage in a book that makes me laugh, an exchange with my brother that makes me giggle, stressing over my skin, being able to eat dinner and spend time by myself. all signs that i'm surviving and breathing and carrying on.
i'm going to go have my taxes done this afternoon. my nice but weird stepmom is an accountant and she's done them for me in the past and has offered to do them again. my dad has been bugging me to come out and see him so i'll take the afternoon to spend with them. it always feels like such a chore - isn't that an awful thing to say? they're weird, they eat weird food and say weird things and keep weird things in their refrigerator (uncovered! it's so disgusting!) but it's my dad.
so i'm going to get cleaned up and go get gas and go have weird food for lunch. wish me luck.
thanks for checking in on me.
12 February 2008
one foot in front of the other
i talked to a counselor yesterday. it helped to just talk, just to tell someone new, someone not related to the situation. she had some good ideas, some ways to cope that i hadn't thought of. oddly, she's experienced something very similar. she lost a baby at 11 weeks but in her case, she had to labor and deliver. and when i think about that, i realize that i'm lucky to not have had to go through anything like that.
i told her what happened - the whole story, from last november to yesterday. i told her the things that i'm not so proud of and i told her the truth about the bee. i was honest about how i felt - the guilt and the fear and the loneliness and how i missed the feeling of the baby with me. she said it's normal. crying is normal and guilt is normal and fear and loneliness and desperation are normal. which is good, because i'm feeling all those things and all sorts of things i can't even explain.
she said it was good that i want to remember. she said she recommends writing it all down, all the details because someday i'll want to remember. i like the idea of that - it's like giving it away to go back to at another time. i'm afraid that over time i won't remember how i felt - how scared and excited and terrified and happy i felt when i took that pregnancy test, or how proud i felt when i saw the very first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat for the first time. i'm terrified i won't remember how hopeful i was for baby's future and my own and i'm scared to think that i may never get to feel that way again. i don't want to forget how i felt the day i found out baby was sick; i don't ever want to take things for granted again. and i'm afraid that healing will smooth over the edges and make me forget how amazing the whole experience was and what i learned about myself in the process.
and maybe that is why i don't want to get out of bed in the morning and i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. maybe i'm afraid that getting back into a day to day life will make me forget. and i don't ever want to forget.
at the same time, i do know that i can't lie in bed forever. and i can't continue to ignore the world around me; it keeps going whether or not i'm ready - i don't have any choice. the choice i do have is deciding what kind of day i'm going to have - i can choose to cry in the morning and then get up and find some semblance of a routine, i can choose to have a particularly bad day or a decent one. every day starts with a choice just like that one. they're little decisions but they feel enormous when i don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
one thing she said that i found especially comforting was the idea that this time just wasn't right for baby. and instead of being born right now, he's in heaven, waiting for a better time. she said she coped with the death of her own baby by thinking that at another time in the future she'd get to meet him and get to realize the joy of being that baby's mother. and maybe that's true, who knows. maybe it's the same soul that is born into a baby later in life. maybe i will get to meet this amazing little person that i've become so attached to and wonder about.
i still feel like i'm not meeting people's expectations, like i'm not progressing enough or don't show the outward emotions of anger and hurt towards people that have been harmful in this situation. honestly, i am angry and i am hurt and i would like to kick him in his stupid fat head for being so insenstive and uncompassionate and such an asshole. i would love to scream and yell and carry on and tell him exactly what i think. but its not important enough right now to get riled up about, really. i can't change the way he feels or the way he thinks or what he wants to tell people - i can only deal with me. and i think it's more important right now to work on the way that i feel and what i think and how i want to project this to the outside world and find out who i am and what i want to be right now.
because it is a terrible thing - it's a terrible loss and it's not right and it's not fair. but it has also left me with an incredible opportunity and a second chance. i say that because now i know that i do want children, i want to experience being a mother and all the joy and sadness that goes with it. but i have the opportunity and the chance to do it right - with someone that i love and someone that loves me. and it won't be as stressful and scary because it will be right. i've been given the chance to discover who i am - alone - and i what i want in my life. the slate is clean at this point - i don't have anything to hold me back or hold me down. and while i would give anything to go back - to have a healthy baby and to hold on to that dream, that amazing little person - i can see that it wasn't meant to be. it breaks my heart, knowing that; it literally hurts my body to know that it wasn't meant to be. but my baby isn't suffering and won't suffer and there is some comfort in that.
is it wrong to think of this as a starting point? am i being selfish to think that i've been given another chance, to make my life right for a baby in the future, to make my life right for me? i hope not.
i'm going to try to see my doctor today. i love my doctor; i was her very first patient when she was just starting out almost seven years ago. she's amazing, she understands me and knows what i need even when i don't. that's hard to find. and i have some phone calls to make and some little things to do. anything to keep me busy, i guess. i leave for charlotte in a few days and i have to find my suitcase and figure out packing and all that crap. i'm really looking forward to my trip; i'm looking forward to getting into someone else's routine and having the hubbub of a busy house.
i'm going to go make phone calls. thanks for checking in on me.
i told her what happened - the whole story, from last november to yesterday. i told her the things that i'm not so proud of and i told her the truth about the bee. i was honest about how i felt - the guilt and the fear and the loneliness and how i missed the feeling of the baby with me. she said it's normal. crying is normal and guilt is normal and fear and loneliness and desperation are normal. which is good, because i'm feeling all those things and all sorts of things i can't even explain.
she said it was good that i want to remember. she said she recommends writing it all down, all the details because someday i'll want to remember. i like the idea of that - it's like giving it away to go back to at another time. i'm afraid that over time i won't remember how i felt - how scared and excited and terrified and happy i felt when i took that pregnancy test, or how proud i felt when i saw the very first ultrasound and heard the heartbeat for the first time. i'm terrified i won't remember how hopeful i was for baby's future and my own and i'm scared to think that i may never get to feel that way again. i don't want to forget how i felt the day i found out baby was sick; i don't ever want to take things for granted again. and i'm afraid that healing will smooth over the edges and make me forget how amazing the whole experience was and what i learned about myself in the process.
and maybe that is why i don't want to get out of bed in the morning and i don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. maybe i'm afraid that getting back into a day to day life will make me forget. and i don't ever want to forget.
at the same time, i do know that i can't lie in bed forever. and i can't continue to ignore the world around me; it keeps going whether or not i'm ready - i don't have any choice. the choice i do have is deciding what kind of day i'm going to have - i can choose to cry in the morning and then get up and find some semblance of a routine, i can choose to have a particularly bad day or a decent one. every day starts with a choice just like that one. they're little decisions but they feel enormous when i don't want to get out of bed in the morning.
one thing she said that i found especially comforting was the idea that this time just wasn't right for baby. and instead of being born right now, he's in heaven, waiting for a better time. she said she coped with the death of her own baby by thinking that at another time in the future she'd get to meet him and get to realize the joy of being that baby's mother. and maybe that's true, who knows. maybe it's the same soul that is born into a baby later in life. maybe i will get to meet this amazing little person that i've become so attached to and wonder about.
i still feel like i'm not meeting people's expectations, like i'm not progressing enough or don't show the outward emotions of anger and hurt towards people that have been harmful in this situation. honestly, i am angry and i am hurt and i would like to kick him in his stupid fat head for being so insenstive and uncompassionate and such an asshole. i would love to scream and yell and carry on and tell him exactly what i think. but its not important enough right now to get riled up about, really. i can't change the way he feels or the way he thinks or what he wants to tell people - i can only deal with me. and i think it's more important right now to work on the way that i feel and what i think and how i want to project this to the outside world and find out who i am and what i want to be right now.
because it is a terrible thing - it's a terrible loss and it's not right and it's not fair. but it has also left me with an incredible opportunity and a second chance. i say that because now i know that i do want children, i want to experience being a mother and all the joy and sadness that goes with it. but i have the opportunity and the chance to do it right - with someone that i love and someone that loves me. and it won't be as stressful and scary because it will be right. i've been given the chance to discover who i am - alone - and i what i want in my life. the slate is clean at this point - i don't have anything to hold me back or hold me down. and while i would give anything to go back - to have a healthy baby and to hold on to that dream, that amazing little person - i can see that it wasn't meant to be. it breaks my heart, knowing that; it literally hurts my body to know that it wasn't meant to be. but my baby isn't suffering and won't suffer and there is some comfort in that.
is it wrong to think of this as a starting point? am i being selfish to think that i've been given another chance, to make my life right for a baby in the future, to make my life right for me? i hope not.
i'm going to try to see my doctor today. i love my doctor; i was her very first patient when she was just starting out almost seven years ago. she's amazing, she understands me and knows what i need even when i don't. that's hard to find. and i have some phone calls to make and some little things to do. anything to keep me busy, i guess. i leave for charlotte in a few days and i have to find my suitcase and figure out packing and all that crap. i'm really looking forward to my trip; i'm looking forward to getting into someone else's routine and having the hubbub of a busy house.
i'm going to go make phone calls. thanks for checking in on me.
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