just breathe

its amazing how attached a person can become in such a short amount of time, especially someone who felt so much doubt and fear. i know this baby and i love this baby but i'm not going to get to have this baby. i won't get to see it or hold it or watch it grow up. i won't get to touch it or feed it or feel any of the happiness that goes along with having a child. because i'm not having this baby. i don't get to have my baby.

my baby is sick. its not right. there are defects that will not allow baby to live once he or she is born. there is a one in a million chance that he could survive birth, but life would not be worth living. and how can i continue, knowing that fact?

the decision, unfortunately, has to be made and i have to be the one to make it. calling it a decision doesn't seem right because there is only really one choice. and it's an awful choice - it feels completely wrong and inhumane and sick. i feel like i've had the ability to choose taken away from me. and the funny thing is, i was all for "the choice" before this happened. and now, i can't stand the idea of it.

but it's the right thing to do. for my baby and for me, it's the right thing to do. i can't bring him into this world, knowing that he's not going to survive; knowing that a life would be unliveable. and i can't continue to carry this child - every day, i love it more. i grow closer to it. and somehow it seems easier to give him back to god now - now, while i don't know what he looks like or sounds like or wants to be when he grows up. now, while i haven't seen him and i don't know if he likes green beans or carrots better and i don't know if he plays with cars or g.i. joes or loves books and kitties like i do, or loves to be outside and with his friends like his father does. i don't know if he has curly hair and green eyes or straight hair and brown eyes and somehow, not knowing these things makes my heart hurt a little bit less.

but not enough to take it away. i don't know if anything will ever take it away. is it wrong to remember and to wonder?

so next week, i have appointments for procedures i don't want to have but are necessary. i don't know that it will hurt my body as much as my soul.

i'm going to be okay; i know that. it will take time but eventually i'll be okay. i don't know what lies ahead - i don't know what will happen with the bee or a job or anything. but i know that this will not be the end of me. it just feels like it right now.