you know, in case you want to borrow my shoes

sometimes, i talk to you, and i wonder, what the hell am i getting myself into? just so you know, i will never want to borrow your shoes. but i appreciate the warning. from here on out, i will be a knocker. and a timid room-enterer. and i promise not to step on you if you're convulsing/stretching on the floor or the furniture. but i can't make the same promise for the cats. they find things on the floor and on the furniture interesting. just promise not to make me eat blueberries or play trains. we ought to be okay. :D

domo arigato, mr. roboto

i hate moving. i mean, i really hate moving. the act of putting things in boxes and taking those boxes and transporting them to a new location puts me in a rage, a physical and mental rage. i'm far more likely to break things, destroy things, throw things away - things that used to mean something to me - when i'm in the process of moving, just because i can't stand the process itself. add that to the fact that moving out of this apartment means 16 stairs up and 16 stairs down and i'm ready to shoot someone. i don't know whose dumbass idea it was to move all the way up here, but it was fucking retarded. that person needs to be taken outside and flogged. gahh.

roberto and i hauled several loads of crap to my new storage facility today. i'm tired. my arms are sore. my shoulders are sore. my feet are sore. my new shoes are super cute but they're not great for lots and lots of stairs. i bought a padlock, but i found out it only works when you remember to shut the door on your storage unit before you drive off. i am a retard, i know.

i was going to go out tonight, but after i came home and rearranged and packed some more, i had no energy. the idea of driving all the way to dsm and then driving all the way back takes all the fun out of drinking heavily. that and all the dui commercials and all the people i know getting dui's... i can't afford that. no domo arigato, mr. roboto.

ugh. i think i have to get up early in the morning, but i'm not sure. prospective (ha. i didn't stutter there, did i?) roomie and i are supposed to go look at a place to live in the morning. that's a long, long drive that early, but he's committed to driving. maybe i can sleep. :D

g'nite. i'm pooped.

who knew?

so today, i bit the bullet, drove to the big city and gave the snake lady the news. she cried. she hugged me and she cried. she made me cry. i hate that! and then she said she'd give me a wonderful reference and she'd help however she could and she'd call dbq and cid and see if there were openings and she understands that i have to do what's best for me and she's going to miss me and my personality and my sense of humor and the fact that people like me and blah blah blah... i was so shocked it took about 15 minutes for me to shut my mouth. and all this time i thought she didn't like me. no really. who knew?

joanie loves chachi... but does chachi love joanie?

who knew so much could be accomplished from my sofa? actually, that's a lie. because i didn't sit here all day. and i really didn't accomplish that much. this morning i got up and headed to the big city to buy software because i don't have enough software. and i have too much money. no, not true. my mom doesn't have enough software. so i drove all over dsm, looking for software that is apparently not to be found. i was in wdm, i was in the ghetto. i drove to spankeny. i was in best buy, i was in office max, i went to staples. there is not a single copy of front page to be found in that godforsaken city. and i was frustrated. frustrated and hungry because i have no food at home. my milk has long been spoiled and my bread is moldy and green. and i couldn't find my (professor) dickhead of a brother which means that he wasn't going to eat lunch with me today so i left a (cookie) monsterous sounding message on his (lionel richie) voicemail. it was like four hours later that he called me back to tell me one, he wasn't home and wasn't around, and two, he'd already eaten. ugh. my moustache smells like cabbage. gahhh.

my other brother has a girlfriend. and she's a crackhead. not literally. she's great - really sweet, really cute, but she's a few fries short of a happy meal, right? so she and a friend are discussing why all the flags are flying at half-staff or half-mast or half-cast or whatthehellever it is, i don't know, and she's like, 'it's because the president died.' and her friend was all, 'george bush?' and she's like, 'no, harrison ford, the president.' OMG. my little brother was like, 'yeah, the president, the former fugitive.' cracks me up.

so today i realised how to make the post office a solvent corporation. STAY OPEN ON FEDERAL HOLIDAYS. really. yeah. so a former president is dead and lying in state. sad. but come on. that just means you're going to have double work tomorrow. cuz all that mail is not delivering itself. so is it really worth it? because i went in there to give you business today and you weren't there and while i was in there trying to figure out why you were closed (which by the way took me like 14 minutes because the sign was tiny and i don't watch the news very often), so were like 7 other people. so 8 people, 4 stamps each at like 72 cents a stamp (isn't that what it costs to buy a stamp these days?), every hour all day long at every post office across the nation? yeah, that would have eliminated the national debt, you lousy buggars. you just think you're all special because you're federal employees. yeah, well, you still need to brush your teeth too, you know.

so i'm not telling you what i got done today. will you let me talk already? gosh.

here we go. today, i finally talked to people at school. for a while i was beginning to think that no one really worked there. but apparently i was wrong, they do exist, they're just all big vacation-takers and partiers because they haven't been there since thanksgiving or something like that. :) anyway, i sort of have an appointment on thursday to discuss the master of arts in communication program. i say sort of because we agreed upon early afteroon, meaning after lunch and before three. i don't know what that really means and it upsets my stomach to think about it. i don't like people that won't give me a fucking time. but the man was very precise on the phone, which makes sense because it's a communication program. i hesitate to say that he was curt with me because i left two messages and he flat out told me that i left two messages (like i wasn't aware?) but i wonder if it's because i stuttered on the word 'prospective' in both messages and he wonders if i'm a good communicator. oh i'm good... i'll show you.

and then, i sent off requests for all my transcripts. that is a fucking chore. i always wonder what i've done with the last eight years of my life until i take that trip back in time. that's like a asston of paper. that's my word of the week, by the way. asston. it looks better in caps, but then i feel like i'm yelling it. but it also sounds better in a loud tone of voice, so that's appropriate. ASSTON. there you go. (really, that's like two things i've done today in one paragraph. transcripts and invention of new word. i know, i rock, right?) oh, so get this. bellevue takes like 2-3 weeks to produce a sheet of paper that says i gradumated from their damn school (i gradumated from the eighth grade... twice... LOL!). so i had to pay for express freaking shipping/printing. wtf? so all in all, transcripts cost me like 50$. what a crock. i'm going to start my own school and charge people for paper. bitches.

what else? i talked to the landlords. yikes. they're nice people, so i sort of felt bad for um, you know. see, now this part i sort of feel bad for putting in here, so i think i may hold off on publishing until i'm like out of the county. :D but i'm getting out of my lease, not scot-free, but pretty freaking close. they gave me a checklist of things to clean before i leave. one of them is the base of the toilet. gross. who would leave that for someone else to clean? another is the vegetable bin of the refridgerator. i wonder what kind of stuff people leave in the veggie bin. well, maybe i don't wonder. ewww.

and then today i rented a storage space. my own little storage space with a cute little red door. isn't that special? i have to buy a padlock. i want to buy a really complicated one, with keys and numbers and a taser function if it scans your retinas and you're not me. but i don't think you can buy that at farm and home or waldo world and i am NOT driving back to dsm tonight. or tomorrow. i am tired of dsm. and my ass has permanently molded to the seat of the rendezvous and it sort of hurts. gah. but anyway, it's 10 feet by 15 feet and i can put my sofa and chair and dresser and mirror and boxes and shit in there. and my weed, if i had any, but i don't. i swear, i don't. i just like to say that. i don't even remember what that's from.

so tomorrow. i'm taking the big kitty to the vet and getting copies of all their records. i'm going to start taking shit to the storage facility and locking it up because i can.

and to that i say, nobody can eat 50 eggs.

here's hoping i get accepted into school. or get a job. because i gave my landlord notice i'm moving at the end of the month. and i submitted my fafsa. so there's no turning back. i'm heading out of the dutch village and into the great unknown.

it's kind of exciting.

you're so cheesy, i can't be around you without crackers.

new year. new day. i saw the sunrise today, it was beautiful. i haven't seen the sunrise for months, at least not after sleeping. i considered going back to bed and i even went so far as moving stuff off the bed and climbing in and then i realized if i was going to get anything at all done today going back to bed was not a smart idea. so i left dsm at 0615 and headed for the charming dutch village. i have things to do today. i think i'm going to head to the garage and get a head start on the puter projects i've signed up for. and then i may head to gram's if she'll have me, i'm not sure.

last night i learned how the non-rev pros always make their flights. tsk tsk. (this is me, shaking my head.)

jorge busted (is busted the proper verb there? is bursted more appropriate? broke? split? i don't like any of those as much but they don't sound as blue collar comedy tour as busted.) his chin open last night and had to get stitches this morning. ick. emergency room at 400 on new years morning. that's a humbling trip, i'd imagine. he's such a maroon.

okay. almost 0800. things to do. i'm busy. too busy for this, too busy for you.

peas out.
love, superfreakinawesomejanel

this post is brought to you by danny glover. he's too old for this shit.

i had the most interesting conversation with my mom yesterday. i'm still not quite sure what to make of it. she thinks i'm suffering, or soon will be suffering, grace sydrome, as in grace from will & grace. you know, the straight stick in a land of bent sticks, the hetero in a sea of homos. i think that she'd have a valid argument if i were 40 or if i were truly lonely or had been in this situation for years. but none of this situations apply and i don't think she has anything to worry about. i mean come on, in the end, grace met harry connick jr and had a baby, didn't she? it can't be all that bad. :)

it's new years eve. i'm still trying to decide if i'm going to bother with resolutions; i still think it would be more fun to tell other people what to fix. that's sort of more my gig anyway. that might result in more trouble than it's worth, so i might just make a list of things that i know i need to resolve but i'm not going to bother. that way you don't get your hopes up and i don't feel as though i've let anyone down. ya think?

i bought the cutest pair of shoes today. i heart new shoe day, not nearly as much as roberto, but i still heart new shoe day. and not to mention, new shoes for 20$. i freakin rock.

i was going to go drinking tonight. i decided against it. i'm not sure why. the misty party wagon (we haven't proceeded with our golf cart plans just yet, it's a little cold and i bet that thing has no traction in snow and it is snowing, or it was, i'm not sure if it still is currently) was headed out tonight and had big plans. instead, i'm in dsm, sleeping on bug gut's blue sofa, stealing his blue's clue's sweater and i listened to him swear at itunes all night. good times.

i'm going to go watch movies now. i'm tired. and my eyes hurt.

i need a tranquilizer. a large one. maybe two.

ugh. it's coming up on 2300 and i'm awake. not just awake, but awake from six hours of sleep. i came home from job #2 and went to bed. not the smartest thing i've done but the only thing i could fathom doing. and now i'm not tired enough to go back to sleep but i don't have enough energy to get up and do anything worthwhile so here i am. god, isn't it rough being me?

i was laying here thinking of all the thing i have to do this week - and it seems everytime i turn around the list gets just a lil' bit longer - and i'm getting a tad bit overwhelmed. i don't want to say that i'm regretting the decision that i have made because one, i don't regret it, and two, i don't believe in regrets, but i think i'm coming to terms with the reality that i've created. does that make sense? like, i can think about this in two ways. one is all rosy and fuzzy at the edges and the other is all black and white and fucking scary. because real world here, i'm talking about uprooting my life (again, for the second time in four months) in a matter of about 14 days, give or take, to a town where i know two people, i have no job, no place to live, no school, and no sense of direction. oh, and at least two people already prolly hate me. omfg. i must be retarded. or crazy. is there a difference? it doesn't really matter; i've already committed and the letters of recommendation are on their way. if i don't have an ulcer now i will by 16jan. i can feel it already.

all the stars will smile for you

so last night i drove to dubuque. and last night i drove home. it was an odd set of circumstances, but honestly it's not a bad drive. it takes 2 hours and 32 minutes to get there from the dutch village. i'm tired today, but it's for a good reason. my heart is no longer in my throat and i'll sleep like a baby tonight because there's no party in the kitchen. just so you know, if you ever throw a party in the kitchen while i'm sleeping on the sofa, i'll kick your ass. but there's not too many people i'd drive a total of five hours to spend seven hours with. in fact, i can prolly count them on one hand. but you're one of them. and the idea that you're hurting makes me hurt, because that's the kind of friend you are to me. i hope you know that you can always call me.

unless my phone is on silent. :)

oye vey

i will never, ever, ever, ever be able to navigate this city. not even in the daylight. once its dark i will be dormant. i will hibernate. i will be a reverse vampire and wait for light. i will be the anti-dracula.

but i digress. the point is that in a matter of about 7 minutes i crossed three state lines (two of which i won the first-across-the-state-line-game twice, oh yeah, that's how i roll) and crossed the river like 16 times. really. freaking crazy. my sense of direction, which is iffy at best when i know where i am, is completely gone right now. i have no idea where i am, except that i'm at willie's house (and i think i'm parked in someone's spot and i'm sorry). but willie's house is about two minutes from an arby's with what must have the slowest drive-thru this side of the appalacians and the gas station next door spells speed with an extra 'e'. it's on the end. i'm not gracing that spelling with a presence here because it looks fucking stupid and i won't have people, the casual superfreakinawesomejanel reader, think that i perhaps misspelled speed the first time and that i really spell speed with a fucking 'e' on the end. i don't. which is why i'm not spelling it that way here. okay fine. you want to see it? speede. wtf? it's the speede shoppe. i don't know if that's supposed to be cute or if it was just a typo but i think it's freaking weird.

there seem to be a lot of housing options here, which is good, for someone that is thinking about moving. housing is important. it's good to have somewhere to put my crap. and my cats. there are neat places and there are places that look ...eh. you know, ...eh. but whatever. as long as no one takes my shit and my cats, i'm cool.

bug guts (you didn't like the previous name, you said it was too wordy... is this better?) drove me by the school. being that it was dark, i got the abbreviated tour, and from a car window, but it was very pretty. it's hard for anything to look nice this time of year as most greenery is faded and brown and leafless (is that a word? i know "speede" is not, i'm not sure about leafless.) but it was still very nice. it just reeks of expensive but once in debt to the guv'ment what's another student loan, i like to say. educate me, uncle sam. i'll pay you back. someday. maybe. unless fiji doesn't support extradition and then you're s.o.l. my man.

word.

oh, it's on like donkey kong...

okay, so maybe nothing has changed and i'm still in a frenzy. i don't know. sometimes i talk too much, so don't be mad at me. i need to start packing. i need to take a shower and go to work. work, work, work. only 8 more hours and then i have days off. ya-freakin-hoo.

things to do this week:

• go see my gram
• talk to my landlord
• buy packing tape
• sell my table, my entertainment center, and other crap i've accumulated
• find boxes
• get a job
• find a place to live
• make sure my friend still loves me
• drink on new years (nigel, are you with me on this one?)
• make sure school wants me

hmmm. not bad. i'm going to start with taking a shower and going to work. peas out.

i don't have enough crap in my life.

really. bring it on. apparently i can handle it because it just keeps on fucking happening. ugh. i'm under a strict confidentiality agreement at this point so i can't say a lot, but dumbass, i told you to take off that sweater. i'm smart. you should listen to me once in awhile.

ugh. so this does affect my immediate plans, there's no doubt about that. but fuck it. i'm still going. not as soon, prolly, and really that's okay because the idea of having to move in two freaking weeks was scaring the holy hell out of me, truth be told. but i'll still go. now i can do things at my own pace. i just hope things work out for you, because i'll miss you and i worry about you.

yes, grasshopper. the template has changed. bleak. stark. simple. black and white. maybe the way things should be...

you shut up you little potlicker. i'll put you in a microwave.

i don't care if marty jones has 400 bags to unload and a heart attack in the process of unloading them. i will never, ever, ever, ever help that redneck-no-english-speaking-motherfucker with anything.

i feel better now. so. now that that's off my chest, do let us discuss the events of the day.

as usual, i put off the whole leaving for work thing until the very last second because that's what i do - procrastinate, and sugar, i do it well. so i'm going to let the kitties eat their second favorite food because it's not killing them and i spent good money on it and there's starving kitties in africa that would appreciate that food, by golly. but that's not the point of this rant. this particular rant does in fact with the act that i saw at the gas station on my way out of the charming dutch village.

the dutch village is sort of a tourist haven, being all brick and clean and uppity and shit, with all the pastries and antiques and crap. lots of people come here to vacation, which i find bizaare, but maybe when i get old and decrepid and start putting kleenex in my sleeves i'll understand. so today, i'm standing beside my sherman tank of a car, uugof (his mother was a volkswagon), getting gas at the absolute slowest gas pump in marion county (i mean really, i could suck a slurpee through a twizzler and spit it into my gas tank faster, really, it was like a 17-minute process). and i'm standing there and looking around because it's hazardous to reenter your vehicle while fueling and i see this car over in the corner of the parking lot with a crew of blue hairs rolling out. there's like 26 old people in this car, no joke, it's a big old lincoln, baby blue with missouri license plates and it's full of old people. slowly, once they get all the walkers out of the trunk, they all filter into the gas station except for this one old lady, about a deuce, deuce and a half, who is the last one to roll out of the car. (yes, i'm still waiting for the gas thing to click and be done.) and she kinds of stands there and stretches. and then she reaches around and fishes around in her ass for about six minutes and pulls out either what must be like six yards of fabric or a small child, she was in there so long, but i didn't see. it was disgusting. and then this is the gross part. she sniffed her hand. i about threw up. it makes me shudder right now, just thinking about it. ugh.

so. anyway. yup, still wrestling the school/moving thing. i truly think i like the idea. i liked the idea of moving the last time i was thinking about it. and i like the idea of going back to school. so i'm going to do it. i guess it's just a matter of when. so, here's my plan. i'll apply. i'll see if they accept me. if i can start in january, i'll go. if not, i'll move anyway and work until summer. i'm going to do it. que sera, sera.

i need boxes. and tape. and to get out of my lease. hmmm... didn't i just do this? sorry snackmaster bob. i might need help again.

okay. i'm getting bored. want to come over and play gijoes? yeah, i didn't think so. i'm going to go to bed. or at least go read. i'm pooped. i thought a lot today. my brain hurts. peas out. love, superfreakinawesomejanel

i wanna get the most out of medicare!

do you watch the weather channel? i watch the weather channel obsessively. sometimes i watch for hours on end, sometimes with the volume muted because if you've seen it once, you're truly good for about 8 hours. but i think they lose perspective. because they think every thing that happens, weather-related, is an event for the ages. but they can't all be storms for the history books, can they? think of how big those books would be. but weather fascinates me. i love radar. i heart doppler. i love the greens and reds and whites and pinks and purples. :)

aaack! so of course, i was dragging my feet on the aforementioned school thing, but now, now things are moving quickly. suddenly the gre doesn't have to be taken until june, which was one of the larger hurdles between me and school. i still have to find three people to write letters of recommendation (and i'll bet my mom can't be one of them). but the biggest obstacles, at least of those left, are moving and money and leases and jobs and cats and lawyers and crap. how nice it must be to be one of those people that can pack two boxes and their clothes and put it all in the car and go. but i'm never going to be one of those people because i am an accumulator of stuff. always have been, always will be. like toys. i have a closet full of toys. i'm not a child - by all standards, legal, medical and whatnot, i'm (supposedly) an adult. but yet i have a closet full of toys. some of them are sentimental. some of them are just inanimate objects i've gotten attached to because i can't stand to throw things away. some of them i'll never give up, like my darth tater which remains one of the coolest things i'll ever own. maybe i'll find a charity i can donate to during my time off next month. that would be good. then think of all the rubbermaid totes i'd have, empty and ready to use... wowie.

my kitties are revolting. for the last two days i've left too late for work to stop at petco and get the kind of food they really like, so they've been eating the food that they sort of like. it's not like they're going hungry but i'm not the most popular person in the house right now. i'm getting snubbed. so i'm going to go to the big city early and buy kitty food.

i'll thump your bass, you little bastard

i'm not pondering life anymore. i want to go back to school. i actually like school, i like going to school, i like complaining about school and worrying about school. i'm good at it. so there. it's decided. as long as things work out like i want them to. there are quite a few things that have to happen (and things that have to be sold because i don't want to herniate my family members by asking them to help me move...again). but there also some doors that i need to close, permanently.

but i also thought you should know that i'm not all roses all the time. i know i'm awesome, i know you know i'm awesome, but i thought i should let you in on a little secret, and this is just between us, otay? sometimes, i just suck. for no real reason, i just get shitty. so i'd apologise in advance except that i don't accept blanket apologies and therefore i don't expect you to either. but i do feel that there are some things that you should be made aware of, that way they don't become dealbreakers down the road. these are just some habits i possess that i've been told can be annoying...

1. i take off my shoes in really inconsiderate places. like in front of doors, in the middle of rugs, or in the center of hallways with the lights off. it's not on purpose.
   
2. sometimes i won't do laundry for a week or two and then i'll do it all at once. sometimes i do laundry everyday, almost compulsively, without warning. sometimes i do it at really odd hours at night.
3. i will leave bad food in the fridge rather than putting it in the trash if i think it might smell. instead, i'll put in the trash only right before i take the trash outside.
4. i'm sort of meticulous about the wrong things. like it doesn't bother me to pay my car payment a few days (ahem) late but i'll rip somebody's head off if my bath towels are folded the wrong way.
5. i shed. a lot. i have a lot of hair. i'm sorry.
6. i don't like to talk in the morning. i need time.
7. for some reason, i'm compelled to keep paper shopping bags. and even scarier, i keep them beside the dryer, creating a major fire hazard. i don't need them and i won't use them. but i'll keep them.
8. sometimes, i won't talk at all and i'll just sit on the sofa and watch movies over and over and over. or sportscenter. don't interrupt this. i'm okay. but i'm not going anywhere. at least not until the next day.
9. i'm sort of a slob. i hate dusting. i hate mopping. however, i will vacuum, no worries. and dirty wc's gross me out.
10. i require a lot of space in the bathroom. it has to do with having a lot of hair. don't ask questions.
11. i like all my cans to face one way in the cabinet and i group them by type and/or meal.
12. somedays, i refuse to answer the door and possibly the telephone. just because i can.

that covers the important stuff. that i can think of right now.

so my little brother got fired. we worked together, at least we did until yesterday. i guess poor attendance finally caught up with jorge, because no one bought his "my car won't start" phone call on tuesday morning. i guess i got sort of crappy with him when i called him to ask about it, but he was equally shitty with me in return. i'm no perfect attendance queen, ha - not even close. but i'm upset for a couple of reasons. one really has nothing to do with him. my evil spawn of satan supervisor fired him at like 0800 - he prolly wasn't even awake and she knew it. she also waited for a week when his biggest fan and defender wasn't there to help. i hate her. not just for this. for a lot of reasons. she *is* the coming of the beast, when i see her i look for headless horsemen and locusts and shit. gah. but jorge knew that in the probationary period she didn't have to have a reason to pay down the gauntlet. and i honestly liked having him around. i guess i'm upset that he didn't take it just a little more seriously. but it's a little late know. he could prolly get on at comair if he'd just pick up the phone...

three more days and then i don't have to work for many days in a row. rock. that's good because i'm tired. i'm going to bed now.

i'm back, i'm back... you know you missed me!

yay me, yay me! i don't know how, i don't know why, but i'm back! is it temporary? is it permanent? i don't care! i'm here!

(i started this this morning, pre-rebirth of internet...)

another blog update from the land of the internet-less. would you care for an update in the ongoing saga of superjanel vs. the giant corporate conglomerate iowa telecom? no? too freaking bad. i'm going on five days - five - 5 - FIVE - without internet in my house now. and for those of you that know me, you know that this is killing me. my laptop is an extension of my body; i check my email compulsively. except for this week. so yesterday i get to speak with my post-holiday sobered up level two technician and the first question the dumb bastard asks me is, "is the modem plugged in?" if i weren't so desperately in need of a connection, i would have liked to say 'oh, no, you're right, that's it...this big black plug goes into the wall!' but alas, i did not and instead i played 20 (simple) questions with a level two "highly educated" technician. they're supposed to be sending out an inspector of sorts to look at the modem, because they can't seem to grasp the idea that my power light is always red and has never been green but what the fuck ever. ugh. i hate them, i hate them, i hate them.

what else? i guess i could have blogged from c-town after the xmas festivities but truth be told, i was pooped with a capital O. (the second one. not the first one.) my mom is wonderful. all of those silly little things i say i like throughout the course of a year she mentally files away and surprises me with, i would have never guessed that she remembered some of the stuff i got. it was great. aunt shell and robbie and schmalex and carli and even the infamous connah were still there when i finally made my appearance, so it was nice to hang with the fam and let them see me. carli is adorable, even if she does talk a lot. a whole heck of a lot. over and over and over. i guess i'm a little old school, you know, the school where children should be seen and not heard? but it didn't work so well for me, so i prolly shouldn't judge. if i could have changed anything about the holiday it would have been the fact that i would have like to get just one more thing for my momma, she deserved more than i got her. i know she's happy with what she received, but i just felt a little down about it.

xmas eve and xmas day i worked. it really wasn't too bad. the baggage scene was a little frantic but it made the days go by fast. my best good work friend, bless his heart, gave me a book. at first glance you might think that it's just a harmless little cookbook, decorated with sweet little innocent cookies on the cover, but read a few pages and you'll find that the cookies are a bit more devious. in fact the actual cookie recipe doesn't even come until the very last page. :) all i can say is that i've never seen gingerbread boys (and girls) in such compromising positions and i don't think they come bent in those shapes from the supermarket. in fact, i don't know if i can ever eat a gingerbread cookie again and not blush. but it made me laugh and i loved it. :)

xmas night. after bringing me pie to make my day at work go faster (or just to shut me up, i'm really not sure), my best good work friend invited me to eat his leftovers and watch movies with he and his bf. i've never eaten ribs and i've never spent xmas night watching borderline soft porn with homos. what can i say? i'm branching out.

so. here we are, two days after the big day. it's 0925 and i'm waiting on the inspector to inspect my red light. (hmmm...?) i'm watching the weather channel and contemplating life. i'm in the midst of a big decision, and it's possible that you're all going to think i'm nuts, more than usual, but i need to discuss this.

first, let me give you some background. i have a degree. it's an expensive degree. the cost of my degree is similar to the national debt load of the country of belguim, i imagine. big. large. ginormous. no, really, i'm not kidding. and now that i have my degree and i'm supposed to be all gainfully employed and so on and so forth, i'm supposed to be making payments on my student loans. well, the key phrase to hear out of that sentence is "supposed to" because, as with a few other things that i'm "supposedly" obligated to pay, i'm just not getting it done. now don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't know that i'm supposed to pay these things, it's just that you can't get blood from a turnip, sweet pea. if it's not there, it's not there. what do you do?

so. another thing to know is that i've been considering a major life change. for me, it would be a complete 180 from my pampered life of poptarts and vitamin water. this is something that i've wanted to do for a long time, pre- a lot of things but it never seemed to fit. well, now it sort of seems to fit. except that i'm facing a new opportunity of sorts that i'm sort of interested in and that would assist my situation in a couple of different ways.

i'm talking in circles.

okay. i'm thinking about moving about three hours away and going back to grad school or moving about three continents away and working for a government-funded humanitarian movement.

i like both ideas. going back to school would put my loans back in deferment while i figured out what i wanted to do with my life. it's not as severe as living in the congo and i could still move to africa if i wanted to, if i decided school wasn't the right thing to do or after i graduate (again). however, i'm in the midst of applying with the humanitarian movement and discussing options available to me there. working for such an operation also puts my student loans in deferment, or at least some of them.

i'm just not sure. i'm just pretty sure that the dutch village is not where it's at, at least for this chica. so again, i ask, if anyone wants to buy a big ass dining room table and six chairs - let me know. i've got one for sale. :)

i'm calmer than you are.

gah. it's still saturday and i'm still at job #2. i've even done a deal and interacted with people and i'm still bored. i'll be happy when christmas is over and commercials will stop featuring happy couples sharing diamonds and cars and meaningful glances and start featuring drunks and parties and liquor. because we all know i'm really, really good at that stuff and not so good at the former. really. christmas is a holiday for couples and those with small children and everyone else can just put on their tacky reindeer sweater, eat some fruitcake, swig some egg nog and shut the hell up because your opinions/needs/wants don't matter. i'm not being mean, i'm only being realistic. now new years, that's a holiday i can get behind. new beginnings, new faces, new people, new places, new drinks, new flavors - i'm all for that. i'm not sure if i'll take the well traveled path and list the things i want to do to change myself for the better this year. resolutions are trite, symbolic but have little follow through. maybe i'll take the road less traveled and list the things i think other people should change. or the things i refuse to change. or the things i'd like to change but simply don't have the energy to do, that way we're not expecting any massive effort on my part yet i can still write an entertaining holiday post. hmmm... maybe not. maybe i'll just write you another drunken love letter and let you call me names and tell me how much i don't mean to you. yeah, i'm not really feeling that one either. i'm still a little burned from the last one, even though i don't think you really read it. anyway. i'm trying to look forward to new years, trying to get past xmas, day by day by day... you know how it goes.

so as i mentioned before, i have all my christmas shopping done except for one, which i'm putting off until the absolute last minute because that's how i roll, roberto. shopping was easier this year, in the sense that when you cut off an arm getting dressed in the morning is somehow easier. i'm not sure when the absolute last minute will actually occur as i'm not sure if i have internet at home still or not. those iowa telecom bastards are dicking me around again, and i hate them with every ounce of my being, you have no idea. anyway. i guess i could bite the proverbial xmas bullet and get it over with.

six minutes and twenty-five seconds later...
now all my xmas shopping is done. i had to call and confirm roberto's email address because i imagine it would be kind of hard to get an email gift card back from some random dude.

yay! i have plans for friday! that's new year's eve-eve-eve, so i can recover on new year's eve-eve and then party again on new year's eve! yay me! okay. so now where's the party? :)

i'm bored

i think i mentioned before i'm at job #2. and i'm sitting at nigel's desk, using nigel's computer and the clock - the clock on her computer - is off by about 12 minutes. every week i'm here, the clock gets further and further off, i think the battery is going bad. soon, it will be dating emails june 13 1997 and it will really be january 6. it's like sitting in a time warp and every time i get up i have a flight of the navigator moment. except twisted sister will still not be cool.

i can't stop yawning.

i'll be back.

i will motivate you, private pyle...

gahhh. my internet at home is down. i don't know why. it worked yesterday morning and last night when i got home, there was nothing. it just blinks to high heaven with nothing to connect to, and it's irritating the holy hell out of me. there's nothing specific i want to do, but the fact that i can't do anything just perturbs me. (isn't that a great word? perturb. it just sort of stutters off your tongue, you can't say it gracefully.)

so. what else is new? last night was chrisgiving (or thanksmas) with momma and the fam. all were there except steph, who had to go hang clothes at target. poor steph. i often think my job sucks but that job would suck at a degree to beat all jobs. dinner was wonderful - mom was making up for the fact that some of us didn't get a real thanksgiving dinner the first time around, not that we really need it. but it was great. i don't get down to c-town very often, i'm not sure why.

i'm at job#2 right now. i overslept this morning after falling asleep early last night and just not setting an alarm at all. dork. i've been sick all week. really, really sick. thursday, roberto had to drive my sick ass to the doctor so i could get a shot. this time, instead of torodol, which sort of works, dr. moron gave me a short of visteril (or something like that). i went from painful headache to fully stoned in about 4.7 seconds, which was completely unexpected but not necessarily unenjoyed... i slept for a full 13 hours, from 1330 to 0140, ate dinner at 0200 on friday morning, and went back to bed for another seven hours. that's messed up. my sleep patterns are all screwy. i missed a crazy amount of work this week, which pretty much ensures that i'm not going anywhere on my vacation the first week of january, which sucks. but i have other things to do. i have a project at job #2 to start and finish. and i need to go visit my gram, she's not well. and i want to visit my dog. so i'll just have to visit kuala lumpur and switzerland and ghana and fargo in march.

yesterday i finished my xmas shopping with a flying trip to the big city. i'm turning more and more antisocial by the day - i hate the obscene shopping mall scene, especially the weekend before christmas. yuck. there were definitely more men than women and the line of husbands/boyfriends/significant others at the coach store made me laugh. i was there for all of seven songs on my ipod, which had to be some sort of record for me. but i got all but one thing i needed, the last thing i need i'll order online and send to roberto's email. isn't that festive of me?

tonight is dinner with father and stepmummy. meatloaf. it's going to be phenomenal. but this will fulfill my holiday obligation and i can then eat chocolate cheesecake with a guilt-free conscious.

peas out.

what about brett fav...re?

even though i didn't leave the house today - seriously, i didn't even check the mail, didn't unlock the door - i actually got quite a bit done. so much, in fact, that i've grown a new tumor and my head is pounding. but i got my laundry done - yay for clean clothes! i vacuumed - yay for clean floors! i got my shipping done - yay for ebay dollars! i did my paperwook - yay for federal student loan forbearance! the only thing i didn't do was pay bills, but that will take about 14 seconds tomorrow morning. no worries.

so a friend of mine has put me in an interesting predicament. first off, said friend has introduced the significant other into my life and because the significant other is a great person, i like this person. as a friend, as the significant other of my friend, nothing more. but my friend has shared information pertaining to the relationship with the siginificant other, information that is explosive and hurtful. but because i am friend to the friend first and the significant other second, i will of course keep my mouth shut and my eyes closed. but i know it's not right. ohhh, how i long for the days when things weren't quite so complicated. you know, like first grade...?