We like to party all the time

We're hosting a birthday party on Saturday. And it's not just any birthday party, it happens to be Brodie's FIRST birthday party. Can you believe that? Brodie is going to be one next week. (And that makes me officially old, because I can now quantify my child's age in years as opposed to days, weeks or months.) One! Where has the last year gone? He seems so advanced, he's done everything so early I feel like he's literally running out of the baby stage and turning 12 years old. I tried to tell him that he's not allowed to have any more birthdays but just like when I tell him not to unfold all the dish towels it's in one ear and out the other.

But the planning of his party has been enjoyable, at least for me. I'm pretty sure that everyone around me is sick and freaking tired of discussing the pros and cons of homemade red velvet cupcakes and butter cream icing vs. a boxed cake mix but I've had a good time making and sampling cupcakes. (Come on - who doesn't love a cupcake?! Oh, really? Well, I'll eat yours.) And I know for a fact that if I bring up party decorations to the Bee again he's going to strangle me with streamers and stick candles in all my orifices. (And not in a fun way, either.) I guess we have strikingly different ideas of how to celebrate a one-year-old's birthday party.

For example...

• Superjanel: "I think we should get a banner for Brodie's party, you know, one that says, 'Happy Birthday, Brodie' on it." Bee: "If they're at his party, they're gonna know his freaking name."
• Bee: "Do you think a keg would be out of line?" Superjanel: "Can you get kegs filled with apple juice? He's turning one; ask again in twenty years."
• Superjanel: "Do you realize we're sending out forty invitations to our son's birthday party?" (Imagine look of shock and awe; for the most part I can't think of 40 people I want to spend 10 minutes with let alone an entire afternoon.) Bee: "That's all? Who did we forget? Let me see that list..."

Fun, fun, fun.

Oh, here's some news for you. The Bee and I have come to another stage in our relationship: we're getting married June 11. Now there's a shocker, huh? We've been the ultimate transitional couple - together but not together, living together, not living together, totally not together, together but don't tell anyone, together, not together, together, in jail, in limbo, together - for the last three years and now we're getting married. I'm not offended by the look on your face; up until we applied for the marriage license a couple weeks ago I'll admit that I was one of our biggest doubters. And not because I doubt the Bee, his feelings for me or his commitment to Brodie or myself - I was in complete denial that marriage is where we were headed.

Let's face it, I'm not exactly batting a thousand in the marriage department. And I've been the relationship asshole for the better part of the last year. (You know every relationship has at least one "relationship asshole" - the person that's snarky for the sake of snark, mean for no reason, unhappy with everything, and the first to pack their bags - or pack the other person's bags - when things get hard.) I'll own that title and I can't even give you a good reason for it other than fear. But it's time to grow up. We're living the life - kids and house and bills - we're forever intertwined. And for all the time we complain about it (and who doesn't complain about it at one point or another?), we're actually pretty happy. And since that's the case, let's make it official. I love the Bee. I love that we've created the most amazing person and we have another one on the way. And I'm genuinely happy to be getting married.

The wedding is not a big deal. I don't mean that we're not taking it seriously, I mean it in the sense that we're taking the easy way out and getting married in front of a judge. It's in a courtroom. No kidding. Bring on the jokes about marriage and the proverbial "death sentence" - it makes me giggle that we're being "sentenced" to a lifetime together. Jokes aside, we'll be having a party in the fall to celebrate and have all our friends and family together. At this party, we might even have a banner, a keg and more than 40 people, no arguments from me.

The art of doing nothing.

Three weeks? Three whole weeks, are you kidding me? What the heck have I been doing for three whole weeks that I've been too busy to write? I have no idea. Nothing spectacular, that's for sure. I've lost my motivation for a lot of things, which is weird because I finally feel like the Mini Bee and I are starting to agree on a routine. I'm getting more sleep than I've been able to get in months and yet I'm just exhausted all the time. What's up with that?

As usual, things around here are in a constant state of flux. The only constant thing in life is that things are always changing. The Bee got laid off again this week. Awesome, right? Yeah... The last round only lasted two weeks but it felt like two months and we were ready to kill each other. This time around it's predicted he'll be out of work until spring. Spring! That's two whole seasons away! I'll be 30 before he heads back to work! What are we going to do for six whole months? He's got some ideas, some projects, some side jobs, thankfully, because that's a long time for us to just sit around and stare at each other. But if we don't keep our attitudes in check it's going to be a rough few months.

It's Thursday - usually on Thursdays at this time I can be found standing barefoot in a line of women (and one man) ranging from pleasantly plump to crazy heavy, waiting to weigh in for the week. Instead I'm home this morning. I actually have things to do and the timing of my Chubby Kids meeting just doesn't work with everything else there is to do. Mini Bee is starting to cut teeth and his naps and eating schedule have been all messed up the last few days. I hate dragging him to Chubby Kids when he's not had a morning nap - he just wails and I have to leave early anyway. (It's rare that he's ever really unhappy but when he is, he's definitely not shy about letting you know.) But those are just excuses. Mostly it's the fact that I've fallen so far off the Chubby Kids cart that I refuse to weigh in this week. I have to get back on track. My stomach has been upset lately and I've been having heartburn (which I haven't had since Mini Bee was born) and I know it's because I've been eating like a cow. Like last night, I was up at 12:30 eating Wheat Thins. I've never been a middle of the night eater - I felt really guilty, standing in the kitchen with my hand in a box of crackers, but not guilty enough to stop eating. Ugh. And then when I woke up this morning I was still hungry for breakfast. What the French, toast?

Moo.

Speaking of food, there's a new eater in the house. Mini Bee is big enough that we've added fruits, veggies and cereal to his diet. And he loves it! He seems to enjoy just about everything we've tried but especially likes prunes and sweet potatoes. Kingsley thinks it's pretty cool that Brodie is eating food - he gets the leftovers. And that explains why Kingsley has been farting so much lately. Apparently prunes aren't good for boxer puppies. :)

So tomorrow my oldest little brother is moving to Colorado. For some reason, I didn't think this would effect me as much as it is. Craig came over yesterday to sort out some stuff we have stored for him in the garage and I cried when he left. I'll see him tonight and it's not like I'll never see him again. But he's more than just my brother, he's a good friend. And I'm going to miss him. He's moving because the love of his life just moved out there; I can't think of a better reason for him to go, especially when she's as sweet as she is. They seem to get along exceptionally well - they're great together. And so I wish him the best of luck. :)

But like I said, I have things to do today. Brodie and I are heading to Williamsburg to pick up one of my favorite aunts. He needs to have breakfast, I need to shower, got to go to the post office, have to run by the union hall - so much to do and all before noon, when I need to be in Indianola to eat lunch with my mom. So I'm going to get busy.

It's Thursday, I got nothing

I have to give credit where credit is due. I have to thank Jillian Michaels' for her hand in this week's spectacular weight loss at Chubby Kids - I lost 3.8 pounds. I haven't done much different as far as my eating habits or my points so unfortunately it seems that exercising in her stupid little six-minute circuits seems to be doing the trick.

Hey, I just said I had to thank her. I didn't say I had to be nice to her. She may have aided in my weight loss this week but she's still a horse face bizzo that sucks the fun out of my mornings.

I took Pootie with me to Dairy Queen tonight. And before you all start calling me a big hypocrite for going to Chubby Kids and Dairy Queen all in the same day, I had a slushie, damn it. Back off. (LAY OFF ME, I'M STARVING.) But the great thing about driving around with the Pootie is watching him stick his head out the window. His cheeks flap in the wind and his tongue hangs out and looks all funny. It's great. If I weren't busy driving and balancing my slushie and the Bee's Blizzard, I'd have tried for a picture. Alas, it was not to be. Maybe next time.

The Bee and I have been at each other's throats all week. He's stressing about money and tired from work; I'm stressing about finding a job and started that stupid Shred DVD. We're both cranky and pissy and just plain mad about life in general; the only thing we can agree on is that MiniBee is awesome. Except for when he poops beside his diaper and not in his diaper; we pretty much agreed that that was not awesome. By the time that was over we were all covered in crap and Brodie was the only one happy about it. I still don't know how that works exactly but that's what happened.

Anyway. I'm tired of complaining and just plain tired in general. MiniBee is down for the night; I think I'm going to turn in early.

What the hell happened to the driveway?

The Bee is cheap. (Well, about some things.) It's one of his more endearing qualities.

"What are you buying? Well, I heard we can save four cents if we drive across town and buy 17 of them..."

I've learned that the best way to deal with him is to indulge him on occasion.

"Really? If we buy 26 rolls of paper towels they're only $2.24 instead of $2.29? That's a heck of deal!"

Never mind that we rarely have room for 26 rolls of paper towels, the giant 50-pound bag of dog food, the 1,380-cup industrial size canister of coffee. That's just a technicality. We will expend the energy to live around whatever it is we can get on sale just to save a few bucks.

Prime example: Right now, the Bee is out in the driveway changing the oil in his truck. We had to spend $61 to buy the supplies to change the oil, not to mention the kitty litter we have to buy to sop up the puddle of spilled oil in the driveway, the shirt that was ruined in the removal of an oil filter and decimation of the neighbor's tools (because when the job is messy, it's better to use someone else's stuff and not your own).

All to save $19.95.

And then there are things the Bee is not cheap about. Like bacon. The Bee will not buy cheap bacon. We can't buy whatever bacon is on sale, we have to buy the $7 package of bacon, because expensive bacon is obviously better. I don't know. I just nod and smile and say, "Okay," because it's easier than the argument that ensues if I don't.

The sacrifices we make for relationships.

Monday morning musings

The Mini-Bee is 10 weeks old today. He's been smiling all the time and cooing. He puts together a vowel and a consonent sound (ooh-ga, usually) and tries so hard to laugh - you can see it in his eyes when he's laughing - it won't be long before we hear him giggling. He hasn't rolled over yet but I think that has to do with the fact that he doesn't spend a lot of time on his tummy and hasn't developed those muscles. He's not a big fan of tummy time and I'm not a big fan of making him cry but we're working on it.

I have a job interview today. I'm nervous about this interview, more so than others I've been to. Does that mean that I want this job more than I want other jobs or does that mean it's been a long time between interviews and I'm just nervous about interviewing in general? I don't know. What I do know is that if I don't get a job soon I'm going to go bonkers. I'm in need of some adult conversation, some big people interaction. I find myself hanging out at Target, lingering in the laundry aisle, desperate to make conversation with random strangers.

No, not really. But it won't be long...

I should really lay off the coffee; I'm nervous enough as it is. If I keep up the coffee drinking I'll be Parkinson-ing my way through my meeting with my potential employer and then he won't want to hire me because I'm awesome, he'll hire me because I fulfill two minority categories - female and disabled AND I'm awesome.

The weekend was sort of a bust. The Bee and Mini-Bee and I went camping with the Bee's family. Again. For the second weekend in a row. And I was miserable. I couldn't sleep. I got attacked by a 12-pound mosquito and was surrounded by frogs and had a huge, sweaty, snoring Bee drooling on my shoulder in the 212% humidity all night. I didn't sleep at all. So Saturday morning I got up and declared that Mini-Bee and I were going home. I'd had enough. I was sweaty and itchy and frizzy and dirty and oh-so-tired. I was miserable and I was making people around me miserable and I wanted to go home. So we did. And you'd have thought I hauled off and kicked the Bee in the shins and broken his favorite toy given the look on his face. But he did have a good time, a much better time than he would have had with me there.

Pootie came home yesterday. I had to get him a new collar and it took an hour of scrubbing in the tub to get the kennel smell off of him, but he's home and seems to be happy. Is his attitude any better? Eh... He still doesn't listen for crap but he seems a little calmer; maybe that's what happens when you get your balls clipped off. (Poor guy.) When he first got home he was mad at me - he wouldn't come to me at all and wouldn't look at me in the bathtub. But I put his new collar on him and he's now my best bud. I missed that little wrinkly face.

I think I hear Mini-Bee waking up. The full-size Bee's almost sister-in-law is coming this morning to watch him while I go to my interview. I should probably get in the shower so I'm a little prepared when she gets here. I have a much better chance of getting a job if I don't smell like a foot.

Wish me luck.

while the little man naps...

brodie doesn't mind if mommy facebooks or checks her email. but brodie throws a fit everytime mommy even thinks about blogging. he's got a sixth sense that tells him that i might be thinking about something other than him and that is just unacceptable - WAHHH! but he seems to be sleeping pretty soundly at the moment so i'm going to give this a try.

things around here are pretty good, for the most part. brodie is growing like a weed and is changing everyday. he's started staying awake longer - most afternoons we get four or five solid hours of awake time with him, which is kind of fun, except that i'm not always sure what i should be doing with him. so we sing and we dance and i tell him what i'm doing as i'm doing it. he's not a big fan of tummy time and i'm not a big fan of making the baby cry, so we do a few minutes on his activity mat until the frustration of not being able to see takes over and he starts screaming. he loves his swing and he's getting to love his bouncy seat. i'll set him up on the counter in his bouncy seat and let him watch while i cook or clean or make bottles. eating is still his favorite activity as the little porker weighed in at 11 pounds, 9 ounces at his last doctor's appointment over a week ago. just two nights ago he slept through the night, from 9:30 to 4:30. and last night he slept from 10 to 6. the bee and i are getting so much sleep lately we're not sure how to act if we can't be tired and grumpy.

not that we're not still grumpy, we just can't blame it on brodie.

the bee and i? well, we're still plodding along on the sidewalk that is our life. sometimes we walk beside each other, sometimes i walk behind him and kick the bottoms of his feet and sometimes he runs to the bar nearest our path and hides out for a while. i can't say that things are perfect; i don't know if things will ever be perfect. i guess for the moment we're tolerating the status quo. how's that for true love and bliss?

things around here are changing, though, and not really by choice. the bee got laid off this week - that goes into effect on friday - and i've been trying to contact giant conglomerate bank to find out about going back to work and so far no one has responded. to be perfectly honest, i'm not heartbroken over this - i hate my job - but i would at least think if they didn't want me back they'd tell me. i have been looking for other work; there has to be a job somewhere that i can at least tolerate, i'm just not sure what it is. the bee is picking up odd jobs for friends and family and doing what he can to stay busy. he's talking about working for his uncle in chicago for a week or so and wouldn't that be a fun family vacation? right...

i don't know. i'm trying hard not to stress over things i cannot control and to manage what i can without making people around me crazy.

little man is waking up; i need to make a bottle and get my day going.

what, me worry?

i think i'm depressed. no sarcasm here, i think hormones are messing with my mind. i've been shrugging off the idea of post-partum depression for nearly four weeks now. i'm well aware of the fact that i've always been a "glass half empty" kind of person but this is getting ridiculous. i'm pretty miserable with the way i look and the way i feel right now. i worry constantly about big things and little things, things that don't make any sense and things i have no control over. and these aren't just fleeting worries - these are the kinds of thoughts that make me drive home to check to see that things are done; irrational thoughts about the way we care for the baby - things that sometimes make absolutely no sense at all. i broke down this afternoon into a terrific little attack, a nice mix of panic and anxiety and a bout of hyperventilation. the bee and i are at each other's throats and have been for about three days now; this evening we called a truce because i'm nearing meltdown mode and he's in the middle of a migraine. things just sort of suck at the moment.

in spite of all this, baby brodie is wonderful. never mind that his parents are neurotic and spastic and all sorts of other adjectives that end in "-ic", i'm sure.

i go to the doctor on monday. the bee is self-medicating with muscle relaxers. we're going to be fine, it's just not going to happen tonight.

a sunday morning quickie

get your minds out of the gutter.

brodie will be three weeks old tomorrow! at his last check-up, little man weighed in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces - and that was last monday. who knows? we may have broken the 10-pound barrier since then. this kid is an eater - every two to four hours - he never willingly misses a meal. most of the time it's just me and him, putzing around the house, getting the mail, taking lunch to the bee at work. i'm falling into the trap of domestic-ism and easily so; the idea of going back to work at giant conglomerate bank makes me want to cry. i don't want to miss any days with little man and the idea of someone else (such as daycare or a babysitter) watching him everyday makes me sad. i don't know what the answer is - hopefully it makes itself clear soon.

as for me, i get some sleep here and there. i do a lot of laundry. i've lost 33 pounds but i still have a few to go. my body has completely changed shape and none of my clothes fit. i'm seriously contemplating muu-muus as this summer's fashion statement. i could wear muu-muus, sport flip-flops and eat bon-bons all summer, because obviously if it's hyphenated it's worth my time.

the bee and i are good about half the time, which really translates to daylight hours because after the sun goes down he's a bear. he's either such a heavy sleeper that he doesn't hear little man cry or he has far more tolerance for the sound of an unhappy baby than i do; i'm not sure and i don't really care - i find both options equally annoying. so most of our arguments take place in the middle of the night while we're both half-asleep and mostly incoherent. in all actuality though, it seems to work okay for now because neither of us remember what was really said or done (or not done in some cases) but we both know we need to apologize for something. our morning conversations go something like this...

janel: "hey. hey. HEY. it's 6:45, you wanted to leave the house ten minutes ago."
the bee: "hi. you need to brush your teeth. i don't know what i said last night but i'm sorry."
janel: "i don't know what you said either but okay. sorry i hit you with the pillow all those times."
the bee: "it's okay; i deserved it - i was being an asshole. but really, you need to brush your teeth."
janel: "i freaking get it. lay off my teeth there, nuclear waste mouth. aren't you late for work?"
the bee: "oh hell. what time is it? why didn't you wake me up?"

and so on and so forth - you can see where this is going. and so begins another beautiful day in our neighborhood...

brodie's cousin kooper loaned us his stroller. it's the coolest thing ever. all these bells and whistles and straps and baskets and handles and buttons. the only thing it doesn't do is make toast. i'm kind of excited to get out and walk with little man this week.

tomorrow is memorial day; i think i'm working at the whippy dip but i'm not sure. i can see how that place eats managers for dinner - yesterday we were welcomed by two machines full of sour ice cream and a cooler full of sour, chunky ice cream mix. luckily (and i honestly mean this) i was the only one that tasted just how bad the stuff really was - if we'd sold much of it we'd probably have a lawsuit on our hands. i don't think dead customers or botulism are good advertising tools.

yesterday was the first day i left little man with his grandma. i wasn't worried about them, leaving brodie with my mom is like me watching him, you know? but it was the first time that i was really without him for nearly 11 months now - i felt like i'd left my right leg at home. it was very bizarre. once i got over it (which is really to say once i stopped sobbing, which was about 43 miles into my 56 mile trip) i was okay. it was nice to talk to adults and have conversations about things other than poop. but i missed him all day and couldn't wait to get back to see him last night.

the bee is working overtime (OT BABY! WOOHOO for RENT!) this weekend on a big nasty project so it's just me and brodie today. we've got some errands to run and groceries to buy and some stuff to do but we have to be home by 4 p.m. for the start of the Coca Cola 600. i'm going to give little man his first lesson in nascar: jeff gordon is a dipshit and kevin harvick rules. :-)

cankles what?

a quickie post to satiate the needs of my readers. and to those four people that read this on a regular basis, please accept my most sincere apologies. i didn't know you existed, lol.

so here we go - in no order of importance, just as they come to me - one paragraph (or less) on the things that are happening in my life.

pootie: so despite all our best efforts, kingsley did not win the cutest canine contest. i appreciate all (one) of you that voted with me. he missed the mark by about 6,300 votes, give or take. i think the whole thing was rigged but i'm not clamoring for a recount. he was disappointed, momentarily, and then i gave him a new chew bone and now all is well in the world of the pootie. we've moved on to more important things, like trying to teach him that the big bed is for mommy and daddy and the floor (complete with pillows and a blanket, he's hardly suffering) is for kingsley. now, just so you don't leave here thinking that i've suddenly decided to walk the hard line with the dog, this was 100 percent the bee's idea. but when we woke up this morning, there was the pootie, wedged in between us in the bed, his blanky abandoned on the floor. score: pootie 1, bee 0.

work: it's no secret that i hate my job. i'm pretty open about my discontent with giant conglomerate bank and their policies on this and that, namely their policy that requires me to show up on a regular basis. it's also no secret that i've pushed my boss to his limit as far as my absences and his patience are concerned. so when it was suggested to me that "i should just quit" yesterday, i wasn't really that shocked. however, i was left wondering what exactly i had to do to get fired. i've never known anyone with an attendance record or even a performance record such as mine that wasn't fired. but me - can i get canned? oh heck no. when i went in for my exit interview with the center manager, not only was i encouraged to stay - he approved my short term personal leave, my short term disability leave, my fmla leave and pretty much said "come back when you want to." you've got to be kidding me. um, okay. sign me up. :) so now, i don't have to go back to work at giant conglomerate bank until the end of the summer - if i decide to go back at all.

bwahahahaha... sometimes it is good to be the janel.

the bee: oh the bee. the bee, the bee, the bee. some days i love him, some days i hate him. some days i want to run him over with the car. since our last quarrel, which has been about four days, things have been okay. we've been to baby school a couple more times, we survived the holiday (although that meant not communicating over the easter weekend while we ate dinner with our respective families). last night he was talking in his sleep and told me to "move over, cankles." what a peach. i have noticed, much to my chagrin, that if i pacify the bee with niceties that i'm more successful in getting what i want. now don't misunderstand - these aren't over the top niceties i'm providing here. we're talking about my not arguing, not having the last word, making dinner on a regular basis and pretty much just being a nice person. why do i find this so demoralizing? i'm not sure. it's hard for me to be nice sometimes. and then i remember that *i* picked *him* and i'm the only one responsible for my happiness in life. so if i can do little things that make life easier and happier i'd be stupid not to, right? right. i find that when i'm nice to him - SHOCKER! - he's nicer to me and the world continues to turn, just at a far less dramatic angle.

my mom: once again, my mom has been right about several things. she knows what they are and you already know she's smart. but i should take her advice on a more regular basis; day to day life would be easier.

the ice cream store: i don't talk about the ice cream store here often, except to say that 1) i heart ice cream and 2) i heart ice cream from the ice cream store. what i've not told you here is that i've always wanted to try my hand at running (or in this case, co-running) the ice cream store. remember what i told you about giant conglomerate bank and my leaves of absence? do you see where this is going? yup, it's headed to pella. it's in the works that prior to arrival of baby brodie and after my period of recuperation i'll be (partly) in charge of the ice cream store, along with my bestie nigel. i'm way excited about this, and not just in terms of the amount of ice cream i'll be consuming (lots!). a week from tomorrow is our opening day, just in time for the big tulip festivus for the rest of us and there's a lot to do but i'm looking forward to the challenge.

baby brodie: we're only 29 days out, ladies and gents. can you believe that? do you remember when i first broke this news last september? that seems so far away now, it's unbelievable that it's nearly may now. at this point, whenever i go into labor they're not going to stop it. so he could come tomorrow, he could come a month from now. and while i'm huge (seriously, a barn) and i'm uncomfortable (not back of a volkswagon uncomfortable, but pretty freaking close), i want this kiddo to take all the time he wants to bake to perfection. (ask me about this in two weeks and especially while i'm slinging ice cream at tulip time; my answer may be different.) but all the doctors i've seen have said that things are progressing as they should and in the words of one doctor, "this is gonna be a big baby."

and that's about it, that's all i've got for now. i'm gonna go start some dinner (chicken parmigiana, YUM!) and get cleaned up - we have more baby school tonight. this class is all about diapers - cloth diapers and the diaper service we're signing up for. it's not that we don't already know how diapers work but going to class gets us two free weeks of diaper service and if it's free, it's for me. i've been feeling especially crafty today - beyond making a big italian dinner and growing a person, i've also made my own laundry detergent. laugh if you want to (mom) but it smells really good. i might just start doing laundry for the fun of it.

right.

toilet humor, among other things

so there's this quiz on parents.com: "what kind of dad will he be?" and one of the questions is, "when the two of you throw a party, you can count on him to... A) keep everyone laughing, B) make his famous five alarm chili or C) hire the best caterer in town." i had to stop taking the quiz after this question as i was thoroughly stumped. there was no option D) get completely shitfaced and have to be carried to bed.

and yes, this is how i spend my time at work.

i have a lot on my mind this morning. some of it's important, some of it's just dumb. most of it's just dumb.

for instance - here's some dumb for you. it so happens that i spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work. there are several reasons for this, the first and most important being that i have to pee about 3 times an hour. the second reason, which is also important but not as much as the former, is that the bathroom is oft used as a reprieve from stupid customers or stupid coworkers. sometimes i just go there to nap. (only once, i swear. i felt pretty dumb coming out and my butt hurt really bad.)

anyway. with all the time i spend going back and forth, to and fro, i have a lot of time to think. and this morning i was thinking about underpants.

due to my current "condition" my underpant-buying habits have slowed to a complete halt. the last pair of underpants i bought weren't actually bought at all. and no, i didn't pocket them. it was one of those free panty giveaways at victoria's secret. do you guys get those cards in the mail too? i used to get them all the time and for some reason, i've not received any lately. so i got to thinking about this. does vs discriminate against the preggo? are they teamed up with the diaper giveaway people so that you only get offers for one free thing at a time - "oh, you're getting free diapers in the mail, you don't have a need for free thongs?" maybe they're offended that their last offer for free underpants was redeemed for BAPs - big ass panties - and they've removed me from any future mailings because i obviously don't fit the criteria for their target audience.

but let's face it, at this size and shape, i'm not fitting into much these days. you have no idea how i long to wear regular jeans again. i can't wait for real jeans that button and zip.

sigh.

ready for more dumb? i've got dumb for you. this train of thought also starts in the bathroom (shock!) - i encountered a new breed of weird this morning. i watched this chick wash her hands prior to entering the stall and then re-wash her hands upon exiting. now, part of me says, kudos to her for fully embracing her ocd at work. but on the other hand (lol, no pun intended) that's a lot of soap and water and paper towels she's using there - that certainly doesn't jive with giant conglomerate bank's effort to be the biggest, greenest bank in the world. imagine if we all washed before and after we did our business - that's a lot of wasted resources. so what's the answer here - really clean hands and a lot of dead trees or only moderately clean hands and a company's reputation saved?

and don't think that i'm mocking the severity of anyone's ocd. for crying out loud, i'm the girl that will drive by her own house seven times to make sure the garage door is shut and hasn't magically reopened.

yeah. that's me. and that was just last week.

i just realized that i made myself sound like a total bathroom lurker. i'm really not. i'm just really good at wasting time - mine and yours too, obviously. :)

enough dumb. how about some important stuff?

so brodie's crib mobile arrived yesterday and it is the cutest. thing. ever. for real. it makes the pootie crazy (which makes me wonder about the struggles we'll have over baby toys and pootie toys) but i love it. i got it all attached to his crib and just sat there yesterday afternoon and watched it for an absurd amount of time. but that got me thinking about the fact that we're only about six weeks away from baby day and i have a lot to do. and even more to buy!

it's been decided that i'm not having a baby shower. several factors played into this - it's not all about me and the bee.

1) the family and friends that i would invite, for the most part anyway, live far away. on top of that, i've been hitting these people up for money and gifts on a regular basis for the last 10 years. "look at me, i'm graduating high school! send me money, i'm getting married! send me more money, i'm getting married again! hey, check me out, i've harlan-ed my way through college but i'm finally graduating - send me some shit!" it just seems rude to ask for baby gifts after all the invitations that have gone out in the mail over the years.

2) there is some animosity between families of the bee and i. basically, my family can't stand him and his thinks that i'm a total raging lunatic. and why on earth would they buy gifts for the child of a total raging lunatic?

3) and this one wasn't as much of a factor as the first two, but many people i know are struggling financially right now. it seems really selfish of me to assume they have the means (never mind the desire) to purchase things for me and baby brodie.

so yeah. we registered and did all that, but it seems it was for naught. no shower, no hassle. and i really do like it that way. but it does leave more of a burden on me and the bee to find a way to provide all these things that we apparently need when we have trouble paying the rent most months. so we're relying on a lot of hand-me-downs and craigslist and ebay. and things are coming together, slowly but surely. there are a few big things we have to get - a carseat is one of them. there are a few big things that i'd like to get - a dresser, a swing, a pack-n-play - but they're not necessities. and then there's things that are obviously not necessary for survival but just sound like fun - like pee-pee teepees. don't those just sound like fun?

oh yeah.

so me and the bee. on again, off again. up and down. two steps forward, thirteen steps sideways and four steps back all while doing the hand jive. we agree, we disagree, we agree to disagree. who knows? i've decided to take a lackadaisical approach to the whole thing - it is what it is, maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get worse. maybe we'll get it together, maybe we'll learn to be apart. all i know is that for right now, i can't deal with the drama anymore. so i'm not going to. and that's all i have to say about that. for right now, anyway.

superjanel out.

are we grading on a curve?

it smells like sausage at work today. there's no innuendo there, it just smells like a meat market. it's a little distracting - i'm trying to eat my animal crackers and drink my gatorade and my senses are overwhelmed with the scent of processed animal products. it's not doing a lot for my appetite.

how are you today? i'm okay. i slept really hard last night and that wasn't even due to the aid of cold, cough or allergy medicine. i think i was just tired. and with good reason. i'm back to my full-time schedule at work and while my job is far from physically taxing it wreaks havoc on me mentally. it gets hard listening to people's problems all day; things are just hard for everyone right now, across the board. i feel like i'm doing therapy again - the toll it takes on me is pretty similar. when i get home at night i just want to zone out, eat dinner, play with the dog and go to bed. and i have to say, that's the ideal life for a single someone in my condition. there are no discussions over what to have for dinner (cereal), there are no discussions about what to watch on tv (american idol) and there are no arguments over my lack of ambition to get out of the house and do something. because right now i pretty much don't want to do anything. there are advantages to being alone right now, i have to admit it.

but that doesn't mean that the bee and i aren't speaking. i left him alone for the better part of a week: no calls, no messages, no nothing. i found that when i was having the urge to talk to him i could just call someone else or distract myself with something else and i was actually better off for doing so: i wasn't worked up, i wasn't in tears, i wasn't stressed out. but the phone calls commenced about a week ago - about a week after our "episode." and the conversations that have taken place since leave me just as confused as i've ever been.

to paraphrase (heavily), we're not 100 percent happy together but we're both pretty miserable when we're apart. and it's not just me that agrees to this statement, it's a mutual feeling. but as far as what to do to fix it or if it can even be fixed, neither of us know what to do or how to feel. he feels that he makes and has made serious concessions toward my happiness and i feel i've done the same thing for him - we both feel slighted and diminished and under appreciated. but i wonder, and not really in advocation of being together but sort of as the devil's advocate - does anyone ever make anyone else 100 percent happy? will there ever be anyone who pleases me 100 percent of the time? is it like a school grading scale - "A" through "F"? anything above a 70 percent is passing? are we grading on a curve? (i am so screwed if this the case.) or is it just pass/fail, like 11th grade spanish?

(which by the way, i have never forgiven senora bellon for failing me for one little percentage point, when i *KNOW* she gave extra credit to other non-deserving students, not that this matters now...)

i don't know. i just don't know. i don't know what's best for me or for him, but i do know it's best for brodie if things stay calm. separate, together - we've got to relax. the bee says he wants to be at the birth, he wants to be in brodie's life (and not just on an every other weekend type of basis). but where does that leave us? because i'm not okay with the idea of platonically living under one roof and i don't believe that he is either. brodie is our number one concern right now; maybe if i just stop worrying about the bee and keep my priorities in line things will just work out? maybe if i just let it all go the right answer will appear?

sha, right. and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt; you people know i can't just let things go, it's not my nature.

but that's where i am right now. emotionally, not literally. literally, i'm at work, taking up space and causing drama just by breathing. i love giant heartless conglomerate bank.

*sigh*

yeah... i got nothing.

i've had no inspiration the last few days. what i have had is a trip to labor and delivery for back pain that turned out to be a simple bladder infection and a trip to the doctor's office for head pain that turned out to be a sinus infection.

i'm infected coming and going. literally.

labor and delivery, oh my, that was three hours of my life not-so-well-spent on a sunday afternoon. i go in for back pain and what do they make me do? lie on my back. ouch. and it is a labor to get there and i wish that someone would just deliver my ass fed-ex style to the welcome desk to check in. really, couldn't someone have planned that out just a little better - park six blocks away on level three of the orange ramp, cross the skywalk bridge and go around the corner, down the mile-long hallway (granted, there are benches in case you get winded and need a break or just want to stop and have a sandwich and a nap; how thoughtful...), around the other corner and take the elevator down a floor. or you can risk parking your car in the ghetto and coming right up on the elevator but the hospital takes no responsibility if your car is up on blocks when you get back.

so i was given an antibiotic and a codeine pill for pain. janel + codeine = a randy good time for those around her. once i came to about a day and a half later, i had to apologize to the bee for spending the better part of sunday afternoon waxing poetic on the lame setup of qualifying for the daytona 500. because apparently a little codeine brings out the "hulse" in me - i become an expert on everything and anything and what i don't know i'll just make up.

oh my.

so that was sunday and most of monday. on tuesday i woke up with a raging sinus headache, the kind that makes you want to poke your own eyes out. tuesday night we had our first round of what i call "baby school" - baby classes for expecting parents. our first class was a wholly (un)engaging "baby finance 101" presented by a lawyer and a financial planning advisor.

snore. thankfully there is no sophomore-level baby finance 201. we've graduated and we're done with babies and money. we know that we will have no money once the baby gets here; therefore, we are experts. move aside boring lawyer-types, i'm teaching the next round. our next class in baby school is "childbirth preparation" and at least i know i'll be getting a massage during one of these four meetings. plus i get to carry around a blanket and two pillows for a nap in case i just can't take it anymore.

wednesday i went to a doctor here in ankeny for my sinus headache. my whole head was on fire (and still is, actually) and so i got to see dr. beentothezoo. no really, his name sounds exactly like that. dr. beentothezoo said no more antibiotics - get a neti pot and some sudafed and relax. so i did. and while a neti pot is somewhat conducive to cleaning out my sinuses and relieving some of the pressure, it's not really all that great for relaxing. because the sensation of drowning in salt water doesn't relax me. beyond that, there's some gross stuff up there and because i'm rinsing it all out, i have to look at it and that's not very relaxing either. in fact, that's just gross. but it sort of helps and i'll try anything at this point because even today (thursday) i still want to poke my eyes out from the pain.

but i'm going to persevere.

tomorrow is friday and we're forecasted to get about 7 inches of snow. seven inches - are you kidding me? you do realize that it was 65 flipping degrees here on monday, right? i don't know who i need to contact about this, my congressman or my meteorologist, but no one is taking into account that i would like to wash my car this weekend and all this snow is definitely going to hamper that effort.

ugh. february in iowa. i'm so over it.

saturday is the big vd and i'm not talking syphilis, friends. nope, it's valentine's day, or if you're single more power to you it's affectionately referred to as SAD, single awareness day. the bee and i, although we are a couple and seemingly the prime audience for hallmark, russell stovers and kay jewelers, have decided to take the money that we would have spent on each other and buy baby brodie some stuff instead. because baby brodie needs some stuff. and neither of us need any more chocolate.

and that's about all i got for tonight. for having no inspiration i sure do like to talk. i'm going to go watch me some weather channel and spend time with the pootie and the baby. we're gearing up for our nightly kickboxing lesson with mommy as the punching bag...

:-)

parsley, unions, robert frost and tummy aches

this morning i drank milk out of a white plastic cup. i really dislike drinking milk out of a plastic cup but a white plastic cup is the worst - it makes my milk look yellow and sour and just generally unattractive. plus, this particular cup was really bad because once i drank enough milk to see the bottom of the cup, i realized that there's a big green thing stuck down there. yuck. i'm pretty sure it was parsley and not a booger, but it did kinda gross me out. and no, i don't make a habit out of drinking from dirty cups - my theory on this is that this is the result of the bee refusing to rinse dishes before he puts them in the dishwasher. so the spaghetti i had last week (with parsley in the sauce) probably found its way into my glass, which is why my milk wasn't really yellow-tinged this morning, but more of a greenish, mossy color.

yummy.

so the bee and i have done some discussing lately. most of our conversations have related to money and bills and preparing for the arrival of baby wal-mart. and we talk about my job and how i'm technically sort of overqualified for it and how i don't make enough money for the crap that i do and how i could be making more money if i'd just apply myself (those are all his words, not mine.) i talk mostly about how much i hate my job - and oh my goodness, i really do hate my job. the only challenge to my job anymore is either trying to find a good enough reason not to go or trying to find little things that i can do during the day to keep myself awake and presentable should the boss walk behind my cubicle.

basically that means that i'll stay home over something as exciting as tackling that dog puke stain on the steps with our new carpet cleaner. or if it happens that i've already used that excuse, then i'll see just how many people i can hang up on over the course of a day. i'll sign up for all the automatic dialer time that i can get during my shift and then not speak to a person, i'll just sit there and breathe into the phone.

anyway. i'm off track. so yeah, i hate what i do. the thing is - as it turns out, so does the bee. he's miserable in where he's working right now and somedays that boils down to a specific location and other days it means that he hates the company he works for.

have i ever told you that the bee is a union employee? (bring on the jokes about the breaks and the way long lunch hours - most of them are true.) yup, he's a union plumber and steamfitter. and he works for a good little company based in des moines. his benefits are awesome, his pay is awesome, and up until recently his job was pretty much the cat's pajamas. (i wanted to say the bee's knees but it's kind of overkill...)

but lately, he's been getting restless. the bee is a fifth-year apprentice in a union program and this is the year he "turns out" (to speak a little union-ese) and becomes a full-fledged journeyman in his trade (woohoo for raises!). and at that point he can pretty much work where ever he wants. for real. he could work in iowa and stay with the same local or he could move east or west, north or south and not have to worry about his rate of pay, benefits, what have you. its a pretty interesting thing they've got going, these union guys.

but the point of all this is that in a few months time, about the same time as the arrival of baby wal-mart, a whole new world of options is going to open up for him. almost literally. the timing isn't the greatest given that we'll have a brand new baby to contend with, but i can see in his face when we talk about this that he's really considering some changes.

i know what you're thinking. from the way i've carried on about the bee over the last year and a half, you think that he's never going to leave this place or his job or his mom. but to be perfectly honest, when i met the bee he informed me that we probably shouldn't get too involved as the time was coming when he was going to move to alaska and weld pipes in the great frozen tundra of the 49th state. and he was serious as hell, having completed most of the necessary paperwork and preparing to leave. (plans obviously changed last fall but there was talk of us moving to anchorage.) so i know he's got an itch to travel and to see and to experience things that he's never had a chance to do before.

and i think that's okay. it's never been my goal to live my life here. i've always wanted to live somewhere just a little bit warmer or maybe a little closer to a large body of water (saylorville lake just doesn't cut it for me anymore). and maybe i'm naive and stupid, but i truly don't think he's going to let us starve or live on the streets or have to panhandle to get milk for the little one. maybe moving would be good for us.

and then i reread all this and add in baby wal-mart and think that we've got to be crazy, to leave our support system and all our families and friends and the security we have here for the great unknown.

but it kind of seems like a wasted opportunity not to try, don't you think?

what's that quote? "two roads diverged in a wood and i-- i took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." but somehow i don't think asking myself what robert frost would do is going to solve this issue. (now maybe a solid "wwkd" - what would kathy do? that might work. sorry, inside joke.)

i really don't know. i don't know what will happen, i don't know where we'll end up. i guess having options can be a good thing.

but sometimes having too many options is like having too many cookies: it just gives me a stomachache.

i'm not eavesdropping, i have supersonic hearing

the bee and i had a late lunch at panera yesterday (and for anyone reading that *might* be a panera employee, it was the panera in [sp]ankeny and we need to coordinate on your schedule so i can get my bread stumps in a timely manner and we can all make the most of your employee discount...). but anyway. we were sitting at panera because even sick janel loves soup and bread and there was this adorable little family to the right of us - a mom and dad and two little girls. and the youngest was doing as young kids do, singing and talking loudly and trying to worm out of her seat. and you know what the mom turned to her and said?

(are you ready, because this cracks me up!)

"if you don't be good, i'm going to sell you to the gypsies."

what? for real? you just said that in public, lady? because that's awesome!

those are the kinds of things that kids remember when they're 28, almost 29-years-old. and those are the kinds of things they tell their friends after they're all grown up because they're so absurd and wrong (if not in a politically incorrect manner then just in a not-even-physically-possible manner) that they're just hilarious.

my mom was always telling me that "she brought me into this world and by god, she can take me out of it." yeah... NO. not without facing some serious consequences, lady. even as a kid, this used to make me giggle - long before i was aware of any legal consequences she might face but the idea of her trying to stuff me back in her tummy to take me out of this world was just funny to me.

and it still is.

my dad wasn't so much for empty threats. in fact, i don't remember my dad telling me anything really noteworthy over the years, beyond "don't wear purple shoes, they'll hurt your feet" or "save the whales: harpoon a fat chick." (i was in the 5th grade, you maroon! WTF?) i think my memories of my dad are a little warped.

now my grandma, my mom's mom? she was chock full of advice and quotes and other neat things that probably should have never been repeated outside of the house. like "a stiff penis has no conscience." that one has been in the family forever. she liked to give that advice before group dates and dances in the seventh grade.

nice, gram, thanks. now can you keep your voice down?

she was also known for "confucious say, man who stick hand in pocket feel silly. but man who stick two hands in pockets feel nuts." (you've got to imagine my grandma saying this with a fake asian accent. she did another accent too, a mexican accent, when she said that the only spanish she ever knew - or needed to know, thank you - "me llamo mickey." but she'd make this face and do this voice and "mickey" ended up sounding like "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeckey." and it used to make me laugh.)

another quotable grandma moment? "it's okay to prick your finger but it's not okay to finger your prick." my brothers are still laughing about that one.

ahh, those were the days.

my mom's dad always used to call us kids "maynard" - as in "good stuff, maynard." (i say that all the time to the dog.) but his wife, our crazy cheese-sending grandma dorothy, had trouble with the basics, like names. she knew my name but for years called my brothers "greg and gordon." (their names are actually craig and jordan, but hey, grandma gets points for trying, right?)

anyway. all this is neat and fun but i was sitting there yesterday listening to this woman scar her children with threats of roaming, nomadic gypsies and i couldn't help but wonder what baby wal-mart will remember of me and the weird things that i say. if he could talk right now, i know he'd come out of the womb screaming at the dog to get down and asking if he got all his potties out. i tend to have serious conversations with the dog - i can hold his attention longer than i can hold the bee's... usually. especially when i'm holding food, but that tends to work on the bee too, so who knows. all i can say is that it's hard being the only female in this house sometimes. but whatever, boo hoo...

but i digress. it's just fascinating to me that this little person will be molded by the things that i say and that i do. and sometimes that gives me the heebie jeebies. like we need another superjanel around...

it's too cold for toast

it's too cold to blog. and i'm sick. i have the flu, i think. i'm fever-y and ache-y and all around uck-y. again, i'm home. my head would feel better if i weren't sitting here typing, staring at this screen, but i can't sleep and i have terrible heartburn. and so i sit. mom says this is what i get for playing hooky and she's probably right. but how was i supposed to know.

yesterday i had to take the bee to the er. he came home sick yesterday, complaining of a headache so bad he couldn't see. of course, hypochondriac that i am, my first thought was "oh holy hell, it's an aneurysm." my second thought: "do i have time to shower?"

as it turned out, his brain is fine (as fine as it's ever been) - it was a migraine that came out of nowhere and literally kicked his ass all the way to the doctor's office. the bee never wants to go to the doctor - it's too expensive, they don't know what they're talking about, they're crazy -blah, blah, blah - there's always some reason that he's smarter than anyone whose initials end in M.D. so when he came home yesterday, practically crying and screaming, "i'm dying, i need a doctor" i was definitely shocked.

and that was pretty much my day yesterday. between my general uckiness and his blinding headache, we were quite a pair, bundled up against the cold in the house of ills. even the dog seems to be suffering from a subtle malaise - i think because it's just too freaking cold for him to do anything outside - the poor thing freezes to the ground every time he goes to potty and what a miserable feeling that must be. he always looks back at me like, "do i really have to walk in all this snow and all this cold? come get me, don't make me go out here..."

breaks my heart every time, i tell ya. every time.

i was going to make toast but i'm cold. i'm going back to bed. it's too cold for toast

low crap tolerance ahead

ever had one of those days where everything just sort of accumulated until you just couldn't take it anymore? did you ever just break down and get all emotional over every single little thing, even the stupid things, the unbelievable things and the downright absurd things? did your day ever turn into a night where you couldn't sleep at all, the events of the day just ran over and over in your head like a movie on a continuous loop - so bad you couldn't even sleep?

my day yesterday was like that. my night last night was like that. and so today i'm just zombie-ing my way through work and all the accompanying bs.

it wasn't anything new or even surprising, it was just a lot of crap all at once. and anymore i'm not even good at crap coming at me at a moderate pace.

i'm just frazzled about everything and i don't seem to have a lot of options for anything.

on to other topics...

baby wal-mart has been kicking the holy crap out of me lately. so much that last night i had a book balanced on my stomach and he kicked just under my belly button and made the whole book fall over. for real! i was shocked, i didn't think he was supposed to kick that hard already. i waited and watched as he moved his way up and down, back and forth - fascinating and freaky all at the same time. i thought maybe i was too chubby to see his movement from the outside but apparently that is not the case...

do you know anyone that wants to buy a giant maple entertainment center? it's sitting in my garage, lurking in my parking space. i have to park at an angle, which means i have to back out of the garage at an angle, which means pretty soon i'm going to take out our one tiny little tree in our tiny little "lawn" and we're going to be the only retards on the block with a smashed tree and it's all because of this stupid hunk of furniture in my way. i'm going to put it on craigslist this weekend; it needs to go away.

okay. i'm at work. i'm going to go be productive now. or not. i'm not sure yet.

do we really need 27 nipples?

get your minds out of the gutter...

it was a good day. i felt good today - i made pancakes for breakfast and the bee and i got some stuff done this morning. his mom was nice enough to send home about 8 huge garbage bags of his clothes - stuff that wasn't his, stuff that had never been worn, stuff that was his from the 8th grade, his high school football jerseys - all kinds of neat stuff. and after we sorted out the garbage and the stuff that needed to go to goodwill, the rest was carried upstairs so i could wash it. because i hate putting clothes of an unknown cleanliness status into the closet.

it's just one of the perks of being the janel...

then we went out and registered at target. oh buddy. that was a neat time. we got the "parent magazine approved" list of things you absolutely must have in order to raise a decent child (including the oh-so-necessary wipe warmer, wtf? who really needs that?) and the rockin' target scanner gun (which actually was kind of fun to use but i gave it to the bee because it looks like a gun and it has a scanning laser and therefore combines two things that all, or most, guys love: toy guns and lasers) and went to work.

but the point here is this: have any of you people been down the baby aisles at a big box store lately? we were at target but i imagine that it's pretty much the same at wal-mart or k-mart or where ever you happen to be. anyway. those aisles are lined with so much stuff - from bpa-free bottles to three levels of plastic nipples, some of which fit the 8 oz. bottles and others fitting the 4 oz. bottles, to surfboard playmats (which we did actually register for - it was cute, damn it) to teething rings shaped like people's heads (which we did not register for because i think it's weird to see a baby chewing on something that looks like a barbie face).

it's completely overwhelming. and most of that stuff is convenient, probably, but not really necessary for survival, you know?

that being said, i'm not saying that we weren't good first time parents and didn't register for all that crap anyway. because we like presents and we're americans - we like to have things that we don't necessarily need.

the most enlightening part of the entire trip was when the bee went to the bathroom and left me with the scanner gun and the list and the cart. i didn't think much about it until this couple walked by and i heard the lady comment on "how sad it is, that girl is all alone and pregnant and registering by herself..." i suppose that probably did look kind of sad. so i just browsed the baby clothes until the bee got back.

but we had a good time. and the bee picked out stuff he thought was fun and cute for little baby wal-mart. i was happy that he was at least interested. we thought about registering for a wii but didn't think that baby would put that to use for a while.

you can hold off on buying us a wii until his first birthday.

an alarm i didn't set

so where were you last night at 1am? i should have been sleeping but instead i was standing tippy-toed on a barstool in the baby's room with a 9-volt battery in one hand and a partially distmantled, yet still beeping to high heaven, smoke alarm in the other hand. it's a miracle i didn't land on my face but i was bound and determined that i was not going to have a bum smoke alarm in the baby's room. (not that there's going to be a baby for several more months but i know i'm going to have more on my mind than smoke detectors during that time.) so after about half an hour and a lot of cursing, i swapped batteries and stopped the blessed beeping.

the bedrooms are upstairs in this place and they have sort of a vaulted ceiling thing going on. so of course you can't put a smoke detector in a logical place - a reachable place. nope, they're on the slant and hard to get to. i ended up dragging every chair in the house up the steps last night to find something tall enough to get me within arm's reach. and even the barstool was nearly too short...

so where was the bee in all this melee? asleep on the sofa, impossible to awaken, in spite of the fact that i'm swearing like a sailor, the dog's barking, i'm dragging furniture up and down the steps - he manages to sleep through all of that. how that's possible i don't know.

ugh.

and how was your night?

i'm hungry for girl scout cookies.

i'm writing from a hijacked internet connection. i thought i'd been riding the wireless connection of the neighbors that moved but apparently it's the neighbors across the hall that are hardly ever home. whatever, i don't really care. thanks to who ever it is. (who? whom? i don't know.)

so it's christmas week and my mood is great. no, seriously. i have so much to be happy about right now, i'm just trying to enjoy it all.

the bee and i are still so excited about the news we got last week about baby wal-mart - i feel like it's okay to be happy about being pregnant. i feel like i've been holding my breath for the last two months and finally, it's okay to breathe again. the perinatologist said that everything looks great and that we're having a healthy (and handsome!) baby boy and there is no reason to continue to see the specialists - apparently i'm not high risk anymore and that's okay with me.

i think this has given the bee an immense amount of relief. i know he was upset and scared at the possibility of a special needs child, not that he ever wanted to talk about it. but since learning that things seem to be okay, he's been happier, more open and more interested in the baby. and in me. and that's okay with me too.

this last weekend, despite awful, horrible weather, we made it to the quad cities for a small family christmas get-together and a (huge and absolutely inspiring) christmas program put on by the church i grew up in and would love to get back to if we ever moved back to the area. (podcasts just aren't the same but they are kind of helpful.) but the weather was horrific - snow and black ice and 40-mph winds - we're lucky we had 4wd to get us there and back. and the bee is a pretty safe driver, so i slept most of the way home even though he reportedly white-knuckled the steering wheel for about three hours. but we made it home safe and sound and found that the dog hadn't even messed in his kennel (although he did pee for about three minutes straight once he finally got out side, the poor thing.)

i talked to our new landlord tonight and made arrangements to move in this weekend. we're moving to a great townhome in ankeny - it's about six miles from here to the east and a little bit north. we're going from one bedroom/one bath and about 700 square feet to two bedrooms/two baths and a two-car (attached! yay!) garage and about 1300 square feet for almost exactly what we're already paying.

(thank you craigslist!)

we spent all day yesterday packing - well, i packed boxes and the bee moved them around into various piles under my directions. this is his first time moving like, ever - for real! how do you get to be 24 years old and never have moved in your entire life? i think i've moved probably 24 different times and i'm pretty sure i have a brother and a step-dad that can attest to that. (poor guys. they'll be happy to know we're signing a year-long lease so they'll have a few months to unpack their gunny sacks... i don't really know what that means but mark has always said that.) but it's almost too bad for him that his first real moving experience has to be with me. if you think that i'm anal retentive in everyday activity, you should see me in moving mode. oh wow. stand back. not only do i want things done my way, i want them done yesterday and i want it all unpacked right now. it's probably a blessing that i'm preggo and won't be able to stay up all night unpacking. plus, we're moving in between the holidays and that gives me time off from work to get things done.

christmas is thursday. i love christmas. i love our family traditions and the things we do and the things we eat and just the time we spend together. it's different without my grandma and i'm trying not to focus on that - it hurts too much to think about it right now - but even different can still be good. it's just hard to believe that the holidays are here already. this year has just flown by, and thankfully so in some cases.

but anyway. i wasn't sure when i'd get to post again, my neighbors' internet connections being as sporadic as they are. if i'm not back before christmas, happy holidays to everyone.

ps - i'm accepting all offers of donations of baby stuff! crusty, we should talk! :-)

playing catch up. again.

and so begins another one of those posts where i relate the last nearly two weeks of my life to you in retrospect. if i were a good blogger, which i used to be, i would have kept you up to date and i wouldn't have to have such a long-winded post. but since i know that many of the people that come here go to see what my mom has to say if there's nothing new written, i feel like you're all pretty much up-to-date. that said, maybe i can turn this into an espn-like highlights (or low lights, really) post and we can all move on with the now.

know what i mean? here we go... (and these are in chronological order, not at all an order of importance.)

the bee came back last sunday, october 26. it started out as him coming over to talk. just talk. then he was going to stay the night but i made him sleep on the sofa. and at 4am i found him in bed and i was cuddled up next to him. it was one of those things that just happened.

we had our nt scan and our first trimester screening on monday, october 27. the ultrasound was incredible - it looks like baby is doing well. (we're still calling it wal-mart because i refuse to assign a gender just yet.) wal-mart measured well - the doctor said that there was nothing to be seen on the u/s images that concerned her. and hearing her say that made me feel so much better, i can't explain the relief that gave me. i was so stressed about that appointment that when we got home i just fell asleep. it was barely 6pm and i was in bed.

same day, i'm still in bed but it's 11pm and the phone is ringing. this is never good. my mom calls to tell me that my grandma has passed. this is one of those things that you think you're prepared for - you think you've got it under control - and then it happens and you realize that control is a fallacy and you've really got nothing under your thumb but air. because on some level i thought i was ready for this to happen but it turns out i was wrong.

now i'm a pretty cognizant 28-year-old. i was aware of the pain and the suffering that she was going through and i knew she was ready to go. but it dawned on me that there would be no more holidays, no more birthdays, no more phone calls or text messages or trips to grandma's house, in fact it won't even be grandma's house anymore - as soon as i realized that this was it - it was final and it was over and she was gone - i wanted her back. i wanted more time, more of everything. i wanted to go back and appreciate her more, appreciate what i'd had more and it just couldn't happen. i really felt like i'd missed out - i felt bad for not going to see her or calling her or just being more of a good grand kid.

the whole week was hard - family was in town and sometimes the family dynamics get in the way of the real purpose that we're together. but for the most part we pulled it together and had a beautiful memorial service to celebrate the incredible woman that my grandma was. and not only did the majority of the family make it down for the service, but so many of my grandma's friends and acquaintances did too - and there were so many people that i hadn't seen in years or i'd never met at all - to think that the woman that i loved so much was also loved by so many people was amazing. i was still sad - i'm still sad now - but it made me feel good to know that i wasn't the only one who was going to miss her.

the most difficult part of the week was not being able to help my momma. she was so close to my grandma, in spite of the distance from one home to another and the illness that had left my grandma just a shell of her former self. i can't imagine the pain of losing a parent. i've not experienced it and i wish i didn't have to. i understand the whole "circle of life" thing and i know that chances are, i'll bury my parents. it's what kids do. it's how life works, or how it's supposed to work. but it doesn't make it any easier. just like my mom is my rock, my grandma was solid for my mom when things got hard. and even though gram was sick and mom knew it would happen someday, it didn't soften the blow when the time arrived. i don't know what it's like to not be able to talk to my mom or be able to go see her or call her for advice or just know that she's there. all i could do was tell her i was sorry, that i missed grandma too and that i loved her. and it didn't feel like enough. it still doesn't feel like enough.

my grandma was a great lady and i loved her a lot. i still do. in my mind, she's 53 years old. she makes pizza meatballs and grilled cheese and loves her country music and my grandpa. she lets me come over and eat nothing but pillsbury cinnamon rolls and frosted mini wheats all weekend long and i get to stay up late and watch tv and color all over every blank sheet of paper in her house. it's okay when i spill bright pink nail polish on the floor (even though the stain never came out). when my grandpa was out of town, i used to sleep in her bedroom and fall asleep to reruns of newhart and coach. and as i got older, she didn't seem to age. she was still the same to me - and even now, that's how i'm going to remember her.

i miss her.

that was pretty much all of last week. i tried to get back into the my necessary routine of sleep and awake, work and home and doing it again the next day but i feel like i'm still getting back into that routine and i haven't mastered it yet.

the bee is still here and we're doing a lot better. i know that he loves me and i know that i love him but sometimes we can't communicate and we're working on that. but i do know we're on the same page as far as the baby is concerned and after the last few days, that's a good thing.

remember that nt scan and first trimester screening i had done? the doctor's office called on monday morning with the news that it came back positive - which is abnormal - and that i was at high-risk for having a baby with Down syndrome. instead of 1:1053, which is normal for my age, and instead of 1:220, which is the normal risk cutoff, i came back at 1:23, which is definitely concerning. so concerning that i, of course, was in hysterics and call the bee home from work and call my mom to have her calm me down. all the pregnancy books i have don't have a lot of positive information on first trimester screening or Down syndrome and this puts me in more of a funk than before, so for the moment they're all tucked away under the bed.

my first thought is "why me? why again? why can't things be easy or normal?" and as if that wasn't bad enough, i started thinking about all the things i know about Down syndrome, which isn't a lot at all, and they're all stereotypes anyway and this gets me even more upset. but the one thing i do know - and there was never a doubt about this in my mind - is that this doesn't change my mind about the fact that WE ARE HAVING A BABY. it may not be perfect (but what baby is?) and it may be harder than i thought (but i know that was going to be the case regardless) but this is still OUR BABY and it's going to be loved, no matter what.

the bee and i met with a perinatolgist last night that discussed our options for us. and since terminating this pregnancy is not an option for me and the idea of hurting or harming wal-mart doesn't turn me on either, we've decided against the cvs testing (which can be harmful to the baby and painful for me) and we're going to take a less invasive route. we're going with a series of ultrasounds to look for soft markers (or physical characteristics) of Down syndrome.

and the rest, i've decided, is up to God. it's either there or it's not, you know? and while having the invasive testing done would give us a definitive yes, there is D/S or no, there is not D/S, it's not a guarantee that there wouldn't be other things wrong that we hadn't prepared for. so in my eyes, any way we go is a surprise. there could be nothing, there could be lots of things. it could be less severe than D/S, it could be worse. but in the end, it's still a baby. it's still our baby. and it's still a miracle.

before i had a piece of paper in front of me that told me that i was high-risk, i was still high-risk. but i didn't know and therefore didn't care. i'm still going to be excited about this baby and this pregnancy and try to soak it all in because it won't be that long before it's over. yup, i'm getting fat and my momma had to take me shopping for new clothes because none of mine fit anymore. and that's okay with me. this journey is amazing and i wouldn't give it up for the world.

so right now, i'm a little sad, a little scared and a lot excited. this friday is 13 weeks and we're almost out of the first trimester. go wal-mart go! and i'm hungry for convenience store nachos with lots of jalepenos and cheese and a cherry coke. but that's for later.

so much for an espn-like post, huh?