give me as little responsibility as possible.

the roommate left today and the house is mine until sunday night. what shall i do in his absence?

absolutely nothing. it will be quiet and it will be wonderful. i'm going to lounge, read my MIT tech review magazines and watch sportscenter. when i'm not working, that is... because i only have two more days of work and then i have 10 days off!

woot!

so what am i doing with my 10 days off? (because i know you really want to know...)

i've got some appointments and a job interview, i want to go see my cousins in the quad cities, i'm working one day at job #2, i'm contemplating a bit of travel (to the east coast! all you easterners best prepare for locusts and fire raining from the sky!) and of course, i'll spend some time loafing.

or i could stay busy and sling ice cream at the ice cream store during the overrated flower fesitvus in the dutch village of all that is holy, overpriced, poorly spelled and hidden in the back of the closet, although the idea of that is far from appealing.

yes, folks. i'm talking about tulip time. what? you've not heard of tulip time? that's ludicrous! (not ludacris but similar.) that's absurd! that's ... actually pretty fuckin' normal if you're not from around here.

do let me enlighten you. tulip time is a three-day festivus in the dutch village of all that is holy, overpriced, poorly spelled and hidden in the back of the closet - otherwise known as pella. i like to call those that live there pella-cans but they like to call themselves dutch. dutch people and tulips and windmills - this is the core of tulip time; it's a big festivus for the rest of us who aren't dutch and don't care to be but we want to watch a big parade and eat mini pancakes for three days straight and let the dutch bastards think we envy them and their wooden shoes and super green lawns.

it's kind of silly, unless you're dutch. they take it so seriously i could be assassinated for having said that.

i'm not particularly wanting to do that next weekend, but it is an option. i could also go to charlotte if libbeth would have me. or maybe i'll stick to my original plans, i'm not sure.

SO. today was a great day. i got my new debit card in the mail, which replaces the one i got a few weeks ago when i lost the original one in a truck. the second one i lost in a convenience store while on a drunken tirade in wisconisin about a week and half ago. it was later recovered in a rack of donuts (which is a story in of itself) but just to be safe i cancelled it. now i'm on my third one, and i plan on either drilling a hole in it and wearing it around my wrist or (b) keeping it in my bra at all times.

but what if i'm not wearing a bra? oh god. then what will i do if i have to get gas? (right now, my mom is thinking wtf would you be doing getting gas and NOT wearing a bra?) so that idea may not work so well. it's too bad i can't just have that magnetic strip just burned into my arm or something, then i could just paypass myself at the convenience store.

now that's an idea...

AND, this is exciting. this happened today. i told you this was going to be a good day!!

I GOT MY DIVORCE PAPERS IN THE MAIL! WOOT! i want to frame the sonsabitches. i'm so happy, it's just fabulous! it's final, it's over, it's done, i'm audi 5000. i called everyone i could think of to let them know - cuz i was having a martha stewart moment: 'it's a good thing.'

and what else happened today? ahh yes... the phone call. i followed grandmaster bob's (formerly snackmaster bob) advice and look what happened? i got the phone call i was wondering about. once again, my fears concerning an ebola outbreak in virginia were quelled. there were no loose and rampant mountain lions in dave matthews country. in fact, there was not so much as a tsunami, earthquake or outbreak of really contagious bubonic plague. (as opposed to the strain of bubonic plague that is not so contagious? hmm...) baxter is just ... tired. a lot. awww...

tired? wtf? tired? i'm tired a lot but bitch, if i say i'm calling you, it's a fucking event. break out the streamers and confetti cuz my bitch ass will be on the damn phone and you better say thank you sir, may i have another.

and that's how i feel about that. i'll let you know if i'm over being pissy when i see if he follows through on his assurance that he'd call tomorrow. but just so you know, i'm not holding my breath...

i have to go watch sportscenter now. i'll be back later.

love,
superfreakinhatingthesoonersjanel :)

i'm sort of hungry for coleslaw.

(there's no joke there, it's just true.)

i hate cabbage in all forms except for coleslaw. and i'm pretty picky about the coleslaw i'll eat. like kfc? no freakin' way. that crap comes in 10 gallon buckets. but like homemade slaw they serve in country bumpkin restaraunts - yeah, that shit is yummy.

and i want some. i need to find someone to go eat coleslaw with me.

any takers?

yesterday was a good day. i attended both of my appointments and left feeling hopeful. the first was nothing more than paperwork and getting ready for the actual appointment - which will come in about two weeks - but it's almost like a weight was taken off my shoulders just admitting that there may be an issue there, you know? i feel better just getting it all out in the open. and i supposed that's part of resolution, but it's not one that i'm good at, generally speaking.

so yesterday was good.

yesterday was also practice night at the hallowed half mile. i know, i know, i hated it when i was with you - but there's something so familiar about the place and the people and the atmosphere (and that fucking smell, i can't get that out of my head) that i had to go back and see it just once more. i saw and talked to people i knew and i even dragged along the gran massa - and i still felt very alone in attending. it was a strange feeling. i don't know if i'll go back. perhaps that trip will have cured me.

but i doubt it.

see, i don't want to be one of those discarded people that are shunned from the scene. and i don't want to be a groupie. i don't really know what the purpose of the visit was except that it felt very normal.

and i'm seeking normalcy in any form right now.

i will tell you that i enjoyed it. the sights, the sounds, the smells (omg, the smell) - it just seemed right.

today, i'm posting from the raging metropolis of corydon. i'm home with the folks. while strange there is a tinge of normal to this as well. tomorrow night i'll return to dbq and regular life, but i needed a break, time to breathe, time to think.

for now i'm going to head up to the garage and see what's shakin'. there may be ice cream in my future this afternoon, i'm not sure.

i want to wear the gold medal... naked.

welcome back, boys and girls. it's been a while. have you missed me? don't lie. you know you missed me. i've missed me and i've been with me all weekend. and what a weird weekend it was. i could tell you about it, but i don't want to harm innocent parties. i don't even really want to harm the guilty parties...

but it was fun. so did i tell you that my schedule at work got changed? yeah, it did. and i was fully aware of it but for some reason it didn't sink in that it was taking effect last saturday. so last saturday i was three hours late for work. after the warning my adorable boss gave me that one more occurrance would be my last occurance and most likely my last day, i was happy to learn that ignorance and illiteracy are not cause for an unexcused absence and i'm still employed. at least i think i am. i guess i'll know for sure when i try to go to work on thursday.

so saturday, i worked for three hours, drove back to so. iowa for three hours and got my drink on... a little more than usual, even. it was a messy, messy evening. but it was a fun evening. bacardi and cola and (a few too many) southern hospitality make the janel an interesting girl. interesting to hang out with, interesting to talk to, and definitely interesting to find in a truck at 0400 in the morning. but such is my life and the lives of those that choose to hang out with me...

sunday, i woke up to like 17 missed phone calls because my phone had been on silent and so had my alarm, which means that i also overslept and woke up in a panic. got to work, napped in the parking lot and woke up realizing that i'd lost my license and my debit card the night before, but retracing my steps i remembered where they were and who to contact to get them back, even though that's a little weird because he's got a wifey that answers the phone. ('yeah, hi, i'm the superjanel, and i used to go to school with you and i hated you then and i still don't really like you, but can i talk to your husband? i think he has something of mine that i left in his truck last night when we were out drinking until dawn and i'd like to get them back...') yeah. that makes for good conversation. in southern iowa, those are grounds for murder. i've prolly got a hit out on me. damn it. thanks reent.

sunday was a long day. hungover, tired as crap, couldn't wait to go home and go to bed. but i did make it through my downloaded episode of the office, which was great, because how often do you really get to hear someone say 'i accidentally cross-dressed today.' i'm going to try that out on someone.

monday. monday morning i drove back down to c-town to work job #2. not a very interesting day, pretty slow. gran massa and i managed to piss off my mom beyond recognition and i realized that not every one appreciates my sense of humor. and i know not everyone appreciates the gran massa's. (just apologize, dude. just do it.) so i'm still feeling bad about that. monday afternoon i drove to the dutch village of all that is holy, misspelled, hidden back in the back of the closet and fucking overpriced, with nigel and her crew. ate ice cream and cheese with snackmaster bob and then went to see roberto and his new pad, which is adorable and i cannot wait to sleep on his sofa! monday night i talked to baxter and told him about the dream of the century i had the night before. holy crap, i can't even think about it right now because i'm supposed to be all presentable and stuff... LOL. just a few more days. i'm so excited! :D

tuesday. today. got a phone call from my momma at quarter after one this morning. she wanted to know where i was, she was worried. i don't generally laugh at this type of thing, it's not good to worry my mom, but it cracked me up because i was upstairs sleeping in my old room. got phone calls at 0300, 0330, 0415, 0500, 0600, 0630 and 0700. not even phone calls i wanted (there are some people i'd talk to at any hour - sleeping or not, but this is not one of them). someone wants to know where i am - at that hour? are you kidding me? dumbass, i'm sleeping and i wish you were too so you'd quit drunk dialing me in the middle of the damn night. gahhh! go home and beat your wife, isn't that what you're supposed to be doing after you've been out all night - not calling me to tell me weirdo things... i just want my driver's license back.

spent some of the morning on the phone with my attorney. boys and girls, i've got an announcement to make, are you ready for this?

~*~*~*~i'm officially single.~*~*~*~

yup. done. over. no more. i'm keeping the last name because no one can pronounce or spell my old one, but sistas, i'm out. i'm done. i'm free. and it feels good. it feels really good. on my way home from work tonight i have to stop and sign one piece of paper and then i'm finished. it's been a long time coming but it's for the best. do i harbor bad feelings? meh. not really worth it. takes to much energy to hate someone and i'd rather spend that energy on other things and other people. i feel great about this. and then after i get home tonight me and the roommate are tying one on in honor of my newfound freedom. woohoo!

and then i'm going home and drunk dialing my .... friend. :)

what do you call someone in a situation like this? friend is the only thing that seems to make sense and even then, it feels a little.... weird. i don't like my friends this way, you know? i'm leaving in a few days for the big "meeting" and i'm nervous as a whore in church about the whole thing. but it'll be fun... i'm really looking forward to this. it's time to meet new people, try new things, see new places.

except for canada. fuck those canadians and their bacon.

i'm out kiddos. off to find things to do.

love,

superfreakinfinallysingleandi'mheadedtovirginiajanel

xoxoxoxo

sunshine i'm just bored, i'm just checkin' out...

i'm tired of driving. it's all i do anymore. drive, drive, drive. it's a bad thing when you're so used to being in a car that you have to really put energy into concentrating on the road - shouldn't that be the first concern of someone behind the wheel of a car? not for me lately. i talk, i sing, i dance, i read, i eat, i drink - everything but pay attention to the road. i am a menace in a rendezvous. look out, fellow highway cruisers.

today was job #2 today. i enjoy job #2 because it gives me a chance to spend time with my mom and generally other family members. like today i saw jordy laforge and steph, i haven't seen them in a while. and nigel, i got to spend time with nigel. i miss these people! i get my minimum recommended weekly dose and no more. i fully expected to be in trouble, as much as a 27-year-old human can be in trouble, i guess, by my mom for going to canada in the middle of a snowstorm in april in a car with no insurance. yeah, that sort of happened. and then we had a talk. a good talk. she wonders why her children have no common sense, but i think most of that comes with life experience and the rest is bullshit and timing. it's something you can't self-apply - kind of like self tan lotion. you need someone to tell you if you have any glaring white spots that you just can't see yourself. common sense is the same thing - while you have the basic comments, you need someone to come along and fill in the holes and even things out. for me, that's my mom.

finally got my taxes done. i procrastinate even on things that could potentially benefit me. not that it did, but it could have...

do people ever surprise you? because sometimes they surprise the holy shit out of me. i'm talking about several situations/conversations that have occurred over the last few days, all revolving around people in my life.

one... i tried to do something really nice for someone today; i tried to make a dent in a hurt that this person had indicated had bothered them for a long time. i was met with no enthusiasm or response and now my feelings are hurt. isn't that dumb? my feelings are hurt because my friend can be insensitive? there's something not right about that.

two... i came clean in the proverbial sense to another friend today about a situation that lingers over my head for just a little bit longer. i feel better about airing this but i feel bad for dumping it onto an unsuspecting person's shoulders. i guess that's one way to find out how big one's shoulders really are... the nice thing was that my friend didn't get all zinged out, didn't call me names and actually related that he is somewhat of a normal person as well. it's good to know.

three... it's nice to be trusted. it's a nice feeling when someone seeks you out to share their day and their experience and lets you know that they trust you.

i need to go to bed. i'm considering turning over a new leaf and i tend to think that this happens before the afternoon newscast. i've set an alarm. i'll let you know how this goes...

it's a mexican standoff. and i don't have a gun.

slowly but surely i'm losing my fucking mind, folks. i mean it. if this is a sign of things to come, i'm going to be one of those blue hairs in the home, not knowing my own name and calling every one bobby with my sleeves full of kleenex and food hanging off my chin laughing at my own jokes and they're going to be tying me back into my wheelchair because i'm going to keep setting off the alarm when i keep running outside to show off my shuffleboard skills in the courtyard in my velcro s.a.s. shoes to all the other bitches in the cafeteria, tryin' to pick up a sugar daddy to pay off my student loans that are still prolly past due 'cuz that's how i roll.

sadly, some days i can't remember my own name and i'm already laughing at my own jokes. it's not looking good for the home team. like today, today i threw away my debit card and i had to dig through the trash to find it. it was at the bottom, mixed in with the swedish meatballs the gran massa champ made for dinner. that was awesome. combine that with the fact that he recorded the entire episode and plans to put it on youtube, i felt like a goddamn genius, gump.

while i was looking for my debit card, i found that i'd thrown away the gas bill and the insurance bill. and i swear, that wasn't on purpose. that just sort of happened. not that i threw away my debit card on purpose, that was a complete accident too. i'm a retard. but it sort of explains maybe why i don't pay my bills? maybe...?

and then tonight i went to plug in my phone so it would stop beeping at me and i couldn't find my phone charger. which was weird because i spent a good 20 minutes looking for it yesterday and finally found it in a perfectly logical spot, which is always the last spot to look. so tonight i ripped apart my room and the sofa, again, for the third time today, and still couldn't find it. and as it turns out, it was in the roommate's room. why? i don't know. because i'm retarded. i just walk around and set stuff down and leave it.

thank god i don't have children. can you imagine? i'd get all sidetracked at target or best buy or something and just set the little fucker down and leave him there, get home and be like, 'oh hell, i left tommy at target... again. but look at this new food processor i bought!'

new fish today. i got an algae eater for the goldfish tank. i think i'll call him hoover. he's not very cute but hopefully he's effective. i also got two gourami to go in the ugly tank but after i put them in there i just want to apologize to them; what an awful place to live. boring and ugly; they'll prolly commit little fish suicide by morning, hold their breath or drown or something.

speaking of fish, i think i may have another sickie. i think roger is ill. he's either taken a liking to playing dead or he's dying. he's starting sleeping upside down, like belly up. i don't think this is normal fish behavior. and to the non-believers, to those who say fish don't have feelings, i say meh! fish have feelings; as roger lies belly up, dying or proving a point in peaceful protest or whatever it is he's doing, the other fish try to console him. or maybe they're paying their last respects, i'm not sure. maybe they're like, 'yeah man, i remember how this went down with bernie, so when the pasta spoon comes for you, i want to be prepared. you were my best friend, man. remember that night, when we got all crunked up with that sheila chick and took my mom's car out to the lake and drove it off the pier? that was totally out of that risky business movie except sheila totally didn't look like rebecca demornay and i can't dance like tom cruise, cuz i have sponge bob hips. but you were there for me man, god, roger, i'm going to miss you...'

fish totally have feelings.

what am i going to do if roger kicks it? and i don't mean like old school, beastie boy style, so-whatcha-whatcha-whatcha-want. roger is the reason i bought the fish tank in the first place. i had to have a fish i could name roger. omg. i think i'm going to cry.

wahhh.

big kitty is sick. i had to find a kitty doctor today and we got kitty medicine. he's such a trooper. his new doctor is dr. riley, she has great hair. she was all, 'has he suffered any trauma lately?' and i was all, 'well, his father abandoned him and we moved to this god forsaken city and he's living with a homo who makes him do tricks and tries to make him wear a collar.' no really, i didn't say that. i thought about it though. that would have been hilarious.

but my poor kitty! he comes from a broken home! he's a product of divorce. he'll never have a normal relationship. hehehe...

i need to go to bed. i'm dumb.

peas out.

love,
superfreakinsleepysillyjanel

*muah*

sink the bad dog

i don't know what kind of dog this is. i don't even know if it's a real dog, i assume that it is. but i want it. i want to name it gregory. or steve. or pookie. :) acutally, i don't want a dog right now. but this dog cracks me up.

so i had a sobe with dinner tonight. i don't recommend sobe with any sort of quizno's sandwich. it goes down weird. but the saying inside the cap was "sink the bad dog." i don't know what it means, technically, but it does sort of relate to my life. sort of.

i stayed late tonight to cover for monique. or the texas ranger. after all the swapping and cs-ing, i'm not sure who i was really working for, but i know it means overtime and overtime is good. yay for me! yay for overtime! this week is also holiday pay, so i'm sort of psyched about that too. anything to help the rent get paid.

so once again, the nice but not date-able guy at worked asked me out. because i'm a sucker for a nice guy, i'm not sure how to turn him down. i tried avoiding the common places but that didn't work. now he's made a point to seek me out, to find me in the depths of baggage hell and try to extract information from me, information regarding when i work and when i don't and when we're going to go to the mongolian restaurant. i'm beginning to think that playing dumb isn't going to work anymore, i might actually have to say something harsh to get him to get the point. i hate being the bad guy.

lawyer retained. i'm supposed to go in next week to discuss our plan of action. hehehehe....

i'm sorry i didn't get an xbox. burger king has games with the king that you can buy for like 3$. i love the king. i love the commercial where the guy wakes up with the king. or the one where the king tries to ramp the bike but crashes. i know, i watch too much tv.

i'm excited about vegas. roberto is dragging me to some show, a comedian or a magician or something. amazing jonathan? i've never heard of him, but roberto says he's good. we'll see. i hear there's a swatch store in vegas, rock on. i'm working overtime. i can buy a swatch. :)

ora sto andando a letto. sono stanco. buona notte. muah!

for the purpose of fucking with him...

if you couldn't tell from the post a couple of posts ago, i got my divorce papers in the mail this week. according to the lawyer he retained, i have 20 days to sign and return this form that basically acknowledges that i'm aware he's filed. that's fine. so now it's my turn to retain an attorney and play dirty.

i want to sign my name as charles manson and send them back.

i wonder if anyone would notice.

you're a cold motherfucker, aren't you?

you could have at least told me this was coming. it's kind of hateful to let someone get this in the mail, especially since you know how much i love getting mail. i guess it hurts because deep down, i truly thought we had a chance. i thought there might be something left. i guess i was wrong. i guess i was wrong about a lot of things. i cried tonight. i cried over you. i cried over what i thought i had and what i thought i'd lost. but i'm done. i'm not crying for you anymore. i'm not crying for anyone. you don't deserve my tears. no one does. i'm stronger than this. i'm going to be fine.

how about you?

welcome back

i think i hear the welcome back kotter theme song. :)

i've been ignoring my blog for a while. purposely. the drama got to be too much for me. and for some others, too. once again, let me reiterate that i write what i write for me. not for you. this is my way to process the things that happen in my daily life. the little things. the big things. the significant and the insignificant, it's all here and it's all mine. the thing that bothers me is that there are some people that used to read this in order to gather information - evidence - to use against me. i'd like to think that people are better than that or that they have better things to do with their time. once again, i'm wrong. so. i'm back. and armed with the knowledge that this behavior will most likely continue. but i'm not going to let those small people keep me from doing what i want to do and what i need to do.

so. let me step down from my soapbox. let me step back and look at what's happened in the last few weeks. i have lots of things to write about.

i'm now fulltime at eagle. i got put in a gravy slot with money hours. suh-weet. :) if there was one good thing to come out of my best good work friend getting canned, it's that i'm suck-up enough to get his line without having to rebid. it's all about knowing the right people and being at the right place at the right time and i happen to be pretty good at both. i mean come on. i'm like fourth from the bottom of the fulltime senior list and i got a 1030 to 1900 shift with friday/saturday off. that's money, baby.

[as i write, i'm scanning nigel's computer for bugs and viruses. i think she has one. but the scan makes the computer hang every few seconds and i type ahead of what i can see and it's bothering me.]

one month out of 12: rent paid. cha-ching! now i only have to worry about 11 more months. one of 12, that's like 8.33 percent or something like that. i'm now 8.33 percent of the way through my lease. and then i can move. i'm going to move to somewhere warm. i'm tired of this cold and it's only the third of november. i want to take a transfer to somewhere west or south. none of this ord crapola. i'm over that. i want warm and sunshine and blue skies and beach. i want to live near the water. i want to smell the salt in the air and feel the salt on my skin. i miss the beach. only 11 more months and i'm out of here.


i had to call roberto to write a check for me because all my money has been accumulating on the breakfast bar in my house. a small pile of checks and no where to put them because i closed all my bank accounts. i finally got one opened but not in time to get my own checks printed so i gave roberto a check made out to me and he gave me a check made out to my landlord. and yes, i do enjoy making things difficult.

i got mason a friend. her name is mischa and she's a doll. she's all black, jet black with just a few white hairs under her chin. she's small, only about seven months old. she purrs constantly and makes a squeaking noise when she jumps. she makes a pig noise the rest of the time. she makes me laugh. mason, however, has gone from hissing to biting. he lurks around the corner from the bedroom, waiting for her to come out and then he pounces on her, his 16 pounds overtaking her small six. but at least she fights back. no blood. yet. i figure as long as they're not dead it's okay. i think that's what my mom used to think about us kids, too.

i had to order new work pants. i tore my last good pair on a suitcase at work the other day. that pissed me off. and my other favorite pair lost a belt loop. and my other favorite pair lost a cuff because they were too long and i walked it out and shredded it. it looks awesome. so my new pants should arrive today. i'm having them delivered to job #2 because that's where i'm sitting and rotting, currently. better here than baggage claim.

suddenly i'm hungry for warm homemade cookies. chocolate chip. peanut butter. and cold milk. skim. YUM. oooh, momma just called and i'm getting homemade chicken and noodles for lunch. rock the hell on.

job #2. i'm back at it. back to babysitting grown men and pretending to know what the hell i'm talking about. think about it: do you really want me taking part in your financial future? shit i don't even want me messing with my financial future. if i could have someone else manage my money or lack thereof, life would be good. i need a fulltime accountant. and a cleaning lady. i want a staff. i want an entourage. i need an assistant to make sure i get out of bed every day on time so i'm not late for work. and then i need someone just to praise and compliment me. i don't know what their title would be, maybe positive reinforcement coach? so already, with my accountant and my housekeeper and my personal assistant and my positive reinformcement coach, i've employed a small lithuanian family. i could also use a mechanic, a therapist, a hairdresser and a dj. i could have a gross national product that envies that of the country of belgium. but first i need money. and then i'm going to need a parking lot for all these people. so lets hear it for job #2!

i bought a dvd player. a cheapie waldoworld special. and it works with my tv. hallelujah! i watched anchorman and office space the other night in celebration. it was special. i get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. i still haven't watched walk the line and i think aunt shelly is wanting it back.

i haven't been drinking for a week now. the last time i went drinking was at catherine's bonfire. quite a few work people were there, and lots of the nwa folks that are losing their jobs. there was a uniform burning and a sing-a-long and when they broke out the 5$ gallon of tequila and the shot glasses i knew it was time to go. i can do shots. but not tequila shots. that's a painful hangover. catherine's birthday a few weeks ago left me sleeping it off with lindsey's dog in urbandale. i must have wrestled her dog for an hour; my fleece will never be the same. there are dog hairs permanently embedded in it. there's something about catherine that tends to get me in trouble. the first time i ever went out with catherine i nearly got in a fight with a bartender and then we got tossed out of perkins. she's trouble, i tell you. i'm innocent. :)

i love homemade chicken and noodles. and mashed potatoes with no lumps. that's the greatest thing ever. today anyway. i'm working like crazy this weekend. 8 hours at job#2, then five at job #1. tomorrow: more of the same, eight hours at job #2, six and half at job #1. sunday: eight hours at job #1, then i get to sleep. yay for sleep. i could use some sleep. i can always use some sleep.

so here i am at job #2. my soon-to-be-maybe?-ex-father-in-law was just here. he sold the race car and the pete wagon to the godfather. it's sad. it's like everything is ending all at once. i love jerry, i always will. he's an amazing person with an amazing amount of patience and humility. i know i've hurt them, and that makes me feel horrible because that was never my intention. so many things have happened and so many of them have strayed from the way i intended for them to play out. i can't change things so wishing they were different is a waste of energy and time. i guess all i can do is take what i have and enjoy it. everthing happens for a reason. some reasons just aren't crystal clear. this one sure wasn't.

i miss eric. i miss us. i miss the things we used to laugh about and the jokes we used to share. i miss a body next to me at night. i miss the feeling of someone caring about me. i've missed this for a long time, a lot longer than we've actually been apart. we weren't well for a long time prior to moving out, we were emotionally separated before we physically separated. but it still hurts. it hurts a lot. to compound this trouble, i'm not good at being alone. i've never been alone for long, i've never had to. i think i need to. i think it will be good for me.

which is why i've neglected calling some people the last few weeks. i'm not ready to feel anything for anyone. not even you.

i've fallen hard

i quit. those things that are beyond me - they're just that. there's nothing i can do to control other people, to change what they do or say. what i can change is how i let it affect me. and i'm done. you can be my friend or you can bat for the other team. i'm going to be okay either way. i have people that care about me and will help me. it's that "forest for the trees" thing. sometimes i can't see what's right in front of me. sometimes you just have to wave your hands and yell to get my attention.

i'm feeling pretty low right now. granted, some of this is self induced, self inflicted, no one's fault but mine. those are the issues i can fix. everything else is out of my control. i'm tired of the drama. i know who's toxic to my wellbeing - i know who's good for me and who's not. now i just need to convince my heart that what's happening is happening for a good reason.

i'm going to be okay. time will help. time and ice cream. :D

you've got a lot of nerve

i got the most interesting tidbit of information today, from my mom, of all people.

apparently, there are several things being said in relation to the demise of me and eddy.

apparently, everyone's got the scoop and the "scoop" in one story is related to a close family friend, which just disgusts the hell out of me on several levels. the real truth, the real story, is no where near as interesting as those that are being fabricated, which is why people are making up their own versions of reality.

how fantastic it must be to be delusional on a daily basis!

now i'm not stupid, i know that people are going to talk. and i suppose to some - some that are ignorant and small-minded - this makes for good conversation. the bothersome aspect to this story is that the source is related to a place of significance to both eddy and i, which just goes to show that you just can't trust anyone anywhere anymore. in fact, the more that i think about it, it sort of makes sense. wives and significant others that disappeared from the scene were cussed and discussed just about as much as the previous week's results. sad but true. i know this because i used to partake in such conversations. the difference is that people that i know are still attached to this "place" - so eventually the story runs the gamut and i get to hear. lucky me.

so.

so.

i can't help but assume that a person i thought i could trust, a person that i thought i could talk to, is behind some of this. if not the blatant fabricating of information, then at least the continuation of such slander. it's my fault for opening my mouth, i know, i know, i know. once again, color me stupid. i've been burned on this fallacy more than once, and more than once with this person in particular. nothing is sacred to him, most of all honesty, trust and friendship. so i'm glad that you pushed the delete button before i did; i'd have pushed so hard i pushed my goddamn button through my fucking laptop. overreacting? maybe. speaking before thinking? perhaps. but you fucking deserve it, you loud-mouth motherfucker. i'm done. i'm done. i'm done. now i see why you've been dragging this along for so long. questions here, messages there - all this adds to the drama of which you've made yourself the writer, the creator, the producer. i will no longer be a PUPPET to this show.

you're going to have to find a new story.

one that doesn't involve me.

huh?

so tonight. i'm chatting away and driving home after another super long day. i guess i wasn't really paying attention because before i even knew what i was doing, i was on the old way home, to my old home and not my new home. i guess this means it's not going to be as easy as i was hoping it would. generally i would cut through my old neighborhood on my way to pella, but i couldn't bear the thought of seeing my house, my old house, and knowing that someone else lives there. i'm going to have to face it sooner or later but i don't want to do it right now.

i still haven't called b.e. back. note that b.e. is different than f.e. much different. anyway. i still haven't called him like he asked me to, i'm not sure what my hang up is. much of it can be chalked up to working like crazy in the last couple of days. but i'm also not sure of what will come of communication here, and i'm not sure how i want this to play out. there's a lot of things at stake here - a lot of people to consider. i'm not sure i want any responsibility in this situation, this may be too much too soon. but it could just turn out to be a fun sock-starching affair and who's to say that's such a bad thing? i don't know. i have to call before i can really stress about this too much more.

omg. the bears are 5-0. wtf? when did that happen? where have i been?

ahh well. i'm too tired to think right now. i'm going to bed. i don't have to work until 1500 and then i have two days off, two whole days! yay me! :)

aloha mr. hand

last night was a bust, as far as designated drinking was concerned. nigel's freaky ass little brother wouldn't stop following us around, wouldn't take no for an an answer. i ended up leaving around midnight and ended up out at blue eyes' house. i thought that maybe if i saw him sober he wouldn't be as appealing as he is when i'm inebriated. unfortunately, that didn't change. he's still adorable. he wanted me to stay, but that's not kosher. i'm not okay with that at this point. in fact i haven't even called him today like i said i would, like he asked me to. i don't know why. maybe i will tomorrow. idk. it was 330 in the morning and he called to see if i was almost home and to tell me he enjoyed my company. i like the fact that he's considerate that way. it's a nice change. i was supposed to go out again with nigel and bob, but i'm tired and crabby and not in the mood for people. so me and the kittnen are watching fast times at ridgemont high and flipping back and forth between the mets/dodgers and the late model race on speed. boy looks cute. he did a good job. the mets are ahead, currently, which is good. i hate the a's, i hate the dodgers, and i hate, hate, HATE the tigers. i can't believe the yankees got ousted this year...again. i've been reading that steinbrenner may let joe torre go, which i think is asinine, but once again, i'm not often consulted when it comes to decisions like this. if that's the case, i know of a team that's looking for a high profile manager with experience. i'll have to make some calls. hehehehe... so today i slept late, for me, which was nice. i downloaded the office last night, so i watched that and laid in bed until i absolutely had to get up. had lunch with dad and carolyn, jordy and steph. love, love, love, being the fifth wheel. it was great. superb. grand. i followed them to costco and petco, where i ended up with free laundry detergent and cat food, so the whole trip wasn't a bust. then i get home and i've got an odd request from boy, who apparently thinks i'm enough of a loser to stay home on a saturday night, and oddly he's right, except that i'm vcr-retrarded and not able to fulfull his needs. ha. i did make a serious attempt, however, and this should be noted, even if it's not enough to be one-up on the fellow. i even called robert for setup assistance. he was doing homework (OMG) and was not of any help at that time. oh well. i hope boy got my msg and doesn't go rummaging through uugof in the middle of the night because there's nothing there to find. it does make one wonder what would make him call me. hmm... perhaps he's more than 90 percent over our little tiff? idk. but i was willing to record over one of my all-time favorite spongebob marathon video tapes for his race. i hope he understands what a sacrifice i was willing to make in order to help out. friday was an awful day at work and i'm in no mood to return, but i've signed up for 15-hour days tomorrow and monday. there's that "i'm not able to say no, i suck" thing rearing its ugly head again. i wish i could learn to stop that. i'm not even on a relief shift, i'm only supposed to be getting 20 hours a week, i can't survive on that but working 30 hours out of 48 is a little absurd. speaking of work, i don't really know what's up with my best good friend except that he's still not allowed back to work. i don't know if he even knows what's going on, really, except that now he doesn't have to pay for his attorney and anytime you can get out of that expense, that's a good thing. i desparately want to hang up pictures in this place, it's depressing the hell out of me that it looks like a freaking sanitarium - white on white on white on white. boo. i need some color. i need some life in this place. i need to shut the window because my feet are cold. i also need to take out the trash and fold my laundry, because it's surely not going to happen until tuesday. tuesday is food show day at the ice cream store, they're trying out all the new ideas for their pella corp. thing. i heart free food, 'specially when my momma makes it. yum. and i did get the last of the chocolate ice cream - excuse me, double dutch chocolate ice cream - of the season. it's sitting in my freezer. perhaps i need some ice cream. there's no funk ice cream can't solve. :D mets are still winning. woot! so i got a phone call from eddy a few days ago. i hear things are going swell for eddy so far in kc - swell to the tune of a 10k plus sale on day one. and that's great. but don't call and tell me to put things in motion when you're the one to move away and make paperwork difficult. so there. that's all i have to say about that. bottom of the ninth, mets are going to take this one. sweet balls. i just can't believe the yankees are out again. this is depressing. notice i don't even mention my cubbies, they just suck beyond belief. grrr. blue eyes is a hawkeye fan, i mean huge hawkeye fan. his living room was fever pitch-esque, only black and gold as opposed to red and white. i don't think he's much of a baseball fan though. sad. i watched the iowa game today while dad and carolyn and jorge discussed what he needs for his birthday. i told dad that he really wants his sister to have a sofa but it didn't work. i really don't want to go to work tomorrow. but i guess i need to pay rent. i'd like to have two whole days off this week. i'm going to try to actually take my days off, i'll have 40 hours plus by tuesday. then i can have birthday dinner on wednesday and some good sleep. mets won. yay. i finished lolita tonight. what a book. what a fabulous description of a warped relationship. the story itself was a little predictable until the halfway point, but the verbal imagery was incredible. what a book. okay. sleep. have to back to work sometime and that requires sleep. all my chores are done. hopefully i can sleep. i've not been sleeping well. the cat is all over me at night, he's sad, i can tell. speaking of critters, mom says that my dog is doing well at gram's house. that's good. he needs constant attention and i'm just not able to give it. i miss him. okay. done. gnite.... i hope.

doing nothing feels good.

even though i know i have a crapload of things to be doing, i'm lying here, listening to the marching band practice, doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every second of it. you may ask, marching band? wtf are you talking about, marching band? ahhh, well, living where i now live, i'm privvy to all the marching band music i desire. and color guard practice. and foozball. it's an interesting change from the constant fireworks my old neighbors used to set off at all hours of the day fireworks in the daytime? yes. fireworks all the damn time, really. they were fucking idiots. and i'm not talking sparklers. these were wailing, screaming big ass fireworks. they especially seemed to love fireworks in the winter, i don't know why. but i'm off topic. right now, 0903, i'm listening to the drum line and i'm having serious band nerd flashbacks. where on earth was i going with this? i don't know. i do have a lot of things to be doing, but i know i have tomorrow off and i'm procrastinating. i'm soooo good at this.

libbeth had her baby. a beautiful baby girl, chloe. she's amazing. she's pretty stinking cute, too.

things that are currently on my mind...

1) my best good friend has been in contact with me, even though we're not supposed to be speaking, according to the higher-ups. this is the first that i've admitted that i've talked to him, i've been playing dumb (there's a joke here, i can feel it) at work and keeping quiet. he's well, he's lawyered up and rightfully so. i don't know if he'll come back to work - i don't know if i'd want to if i were the controversial one. i still worry about him. i hope he makes good choices.

b) i have this growth on my chin. i'm going to name it helga. hi, i'm superjanel and this is my pal, helga. helga is beginnging to piss me off. i may have to get some liquid nitrogen and freeze her ass off. boo.

iii) so. last night. on my way home. just toodling along, jabbering away at whomever will answer when i call. i'm thinking i need to go to the old house and get mail from the mailbox. except i decide against it. but when i look up, i'm on my way to the old house. i'm buzzing through carlizzle for shizzle and i'm not heading in the direction of my new home. it made me sort of sad. old habits die hard. so do bad ones.

D) dad and carolyn are back. living in the farmhouse. i saw that number come up on my caller id - that same phone number they've had for decades (well, not really decades, more like decade and three years) and it just looked weird. it's hard to imagine being happy in farm hell after living in paradise but it wasn't my decision to make. the part that would suck about a move like that is that you pack up your container with everything you own, put it on a ship and say sayanora until it arrives somehere on the west coast. long beach, san diego, seattle - you don't freaking know. it takes a month and a half to get yer stuff, and that would just bug the hell out of me. the funny thing about that is that you can track it's progress online, like fed ex or something. so like, day12: middle of the pacific ocean. day 17: middle of the pacific ocean. day 22: middle of the pacific ocean. i think i'd rather not know.

6) roomie or no roomie? that is the question. well, really, it boils down to money or no money and then the answer to the roommate question becomes perfectly clear. so far, money/no roomie. next month, it might be different.

b) miss nigel and i are out this weekend or i'm going to kung fu her. i have her word. she PROMISED. i need this weekend like a monkey needs toilet paper. i have no idea what that means.

i think that's it. i don't really have anything else to talk about. i wish they'd bring me my washer and dryer. i have dirty clothes, you bastards, don't you care?

well, here i am

it's nice. it's really nice. it's different but nice. it was good to get out of the house today and get on with things, i was beginning to doubt my decisions, my options, myself. but this feels right. it's weird, don't get me wrong, but it's not scary. i'm in a comfortable place right now. this is good.