26 February 2007

tickle is all that remains.

family stuff. lots and lots of family stuff. i like to pretend that i'm above stuff like this bothering me and lots of times i choose not to talk/think/act about it. but today is heavy and i can't get it off my mind.

not in order of importance; this is order of events...

best gram. my grandma is important to me. she likes to say that she doesn't know that that's true anymore, but she knows otherwise. sometimes life gets in the way. one of my all time best memories ever is the summer i spent with my grandma and grandpa when i was 8 years old. i spent an entire summer as an only child, which at the time was all i ever wanted. we had the best time. everyday we would do something fun, even if it was just me going to work with her and i would draw and use the adding machine and sit behind the desk while she and grandpa worked. it was the best. and then i remember crying when i had to leave and for days afterward, i missed her so much. when i got older she sort of became the liason between my mom and i when things got ... rough. one of my favorite stories about my gram is from when i was about 10 or 11, and she was making grilled cheese for my grandpa and i one night after he got home. and all i did was make the comment, 'you guys eat a lot of grilled cheese.' and she got so mad, she threw mine away and i didn't get any. i wasn't being mean or snarky or anything, i was simply making an observation. and i still didn't get any dinner. i don't think i laughed about it then. but i laugh about it now.

my gram's in the hospital. she's not doing well. infections and bleeding. in my mind, she'll always be 58, healthy, happy. and too young for any of this.

my father. my dad and i have a special relationship. sometimes it doesn't even feel like a relationship, it's more of a respect. he doesn't interfere in my life, he hasn't since i was 12 and he decided that there were things more important to him than his family. i spent many of my teen years angry with he and his new wife for many reasons; i spent several more feeling that they owed me something. and then one day, it just sort of hit me. anger and hatred took far more energy that i was willing to expend on them and that situation. and i stopped. i accepted it for what it was: something i couldn't change. and so this has how it's been. my father kind of stopped being a father and started being a friend. a fully-grown but juvenile acting friend. and i accept him for what he is and for what he's not, faults and strengths and all, and i love him in spite of it. and i know that somewhere in that mixed up list of priorities, his kids are in there towards the top and i appreciate that. i know he loves me. and that's what matters.

my dad had another stoke today. he was unconscious for several hours. he had to be lifeflighted to iowa city. he's stable but the full extent of the damage isn't yet known. he's only 57.

i'm not ready for this yet. i'm not ready for any of this yet. i'm 27 years old and in some ways i've been blessed that i've lost very few of the important people around me. i'm not ready for that to change.

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