15 January 2008

i'd have shaved my legs if i'd known ankle was for dinner.

have you ever stuck your foot so far in your mouth it just won't come out? i'm serious here - i'm talking ankles past the tonsils, squarely lodged with no hope of coming out anytime soon? yeah, that's me, currently. i overreacted to a series of events yesterday and it's left me with my mouth full of kneecap. you'd think i'd know better by now.

so how do you apologize for being so volatile? how do you apologize for being off your rocker? i said things that were not necessary, things that were mean and spiteful and i said them for no other reason than to be mean and spiteful. i routinely act that way around some people but in reaction to this person, it was completely unwarranted.

and i'm sorry.

i ended up coming home last night - home to my apartment. i found the place a shambles; the bee has systematically dismantled each and every room in the process of gathering his belongings and preparing to leave. even in the midst of our nasty and ongoing (text message) conversation, i was still shocked. i felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach. i honestly didn't think that it had come to that point and i guess that makes me stupid and naive because deep down i thought that there was still a chance.

just about everything was already packed, so i really had nothing to lose by being honest. and i was. i told him it was time to grow up or break up - because it's not benefiting anyone to live in personal turmoil. we've taken the steps to be a couple and to have a serious relationship and live together - we've created a child together, for crying out loud - it's hard to take a step backwards and maintain similar feelings at this point. i don't want a relationship in limbo; i don't want to have to question each and everyday the seriousness of what's going on around me.

his main argument has to do with my doctor's appointment today and the fact that i'm going alone. he felt that he should be able to attend and i honestly feel otherwise. i feel that if he can't stick around through the bad as well as the good, then he shouldn't get to share in the happiness and hope that i've pinned on this appointment. i've put a lot of eggs in this basket, so to speak - i'm hoping that the definitveness delivered by the doctor this afternoon will quell alot of my fears and make the entire situation finally feel real. i'm hoping for some personal relief by way of a new antidepressant that will help me, mentally and physically, work with the people around me. and i'm hoping that clear answers and concise information changes my attitude. because i've been hopelessly negative for the last few weeks.

these are things that i'm looking forward to - and i feel that if he can't share in the really hard times with me, then its not fair that he gets to share in the times that bring me joy. if he so desires, he can share in my happiness every other weekend and every other holiday. and that's what it boils down to. grow up or break up. we haven't left ourselves a lot of room for in between. he's either in or he's out - what's it going to be?

i know i've been unbearable this last month. i'm making a conscious effort to change as much of that as i can. he hasn't exactly been a peach; he said he's going to work on that as well. i need him to stop making me feel so inadequate and boring - he'll work on that as much as he can, he says he doesn't realize that he even does that. he needs me to stop griping; that's a fair request.

there are still bags in the middle of the living room floor and to say that i'm displeased with the current condition of our living space is the understatement of the hour. but if it's meant to be, it will be and all the confusion will be sorted out.

for the time being anyway, it seems that he's in.

so, relative calm and quiet for my first evening back home. you might ask what i'm doing awake at this ungodly hour, at least it's ungodly for me. the real question is why have i been awake since about 230 this morning? and it's lying right next to me, in all it's apnea-ish and wheezing glory: the bee's snoring keeps me awake.

it's no wonder i'm such a high-strung and zinged out bitch all day long and its really no wonder that i want to go to bed at 5 p.m. in the evening - he has the worst snoring problem i've ever heard and the worst attitude about doing anything to fix it. short of duct tape (for him) and ear plugs (for me), i wonder what i'm going to have to do to get a good night's sleep. because if it's not the text messages, it's the dreams. and if it's not the dreams, then it's the snoring. it doesn't matter where i am, he won't let me sleep!

i don't know what to do. his alarm starts going off in about 12 minutes. once he leaves the house, i should be able to rest for a while. i hope...

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