should i bend over? should i look older?

i was up at the ass crack of dawn this morning.

dawn for the superiorjanel, that is, which arrives promptly anytime before noon and when my alarm goes off.

bitches, that was 0648 this morning. holy crizzap.

and i got shit done. laundry. car wash. room cleaning. i even vacuumed my car. i don't even vacuum my house - for real. i despise vacuuming. the noise makes me crazy.

anyway. i so got shit done. then the roommate and i went to peoria because my lil star was getting out of the hospital and i want to be supportive.

if you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

i'm not 100 percent sold on the idea of her being home but the decision isn't mine to make. so i can only hope that things get better for her.

gran massa and i went out for dinner number two with amy, the resident twatwaffle. that word cracks me up. i think it means queef but only with more letters. i had drinks with dinner. i didn't even eat dinner, i just drank. and i got a hello kitty charm for my phone. it's adorable. i feel like a genuine imitation ling ling.

got back to the raging metropolis that is dbq and went drinking some more. this post is coming at you fully loaded, people. i promised myself i wouldn't drink and dial but i know i did it anyway. baxter, i miss talking to you.

and now i'm home and in bed and i'm a little buzzed and a whole lot tired. i should go to bed before things get crazy around here.

word.

love,
superfreakinnoselfcontrolindrinkinganddialingjanel

if you keep talking i'll tell you what you want to hear.

what a weird day. i've been plagued by weird days lately. a zinged out weekend followed by a whacked out monday and tuesday and now wednesday? what on earth could the rest of the week hold?

a couple of things are keeping me from sleeping this evening. my star is in trouble, she's not doing well, her life is completely turned upside down and she's not coping. i'd expect as much from someone in her position at her age, to me it seems normal and maybe only because i've walked in those shoes before. her home life lacks the stability she needs to make any sort of sound decision and the availability of excuses provided by her parents is astounding - why is it that her parent can't be a parent - she can only be a friend? and not even a friend that takes care of you - it's one of those toxic friendships based on jealousy and insecurity. but i'm concerned about her. and my personal experience lends itself to something a little different but i can still relate. i just don't know if she wants me to. i don't know if she wants to hear. i don't want to be a toxic relationship - i don't want to tell her for sympathy, i'm not trying to outdo her and her current situation. i just want her to understand that these feelings, the bleak and cold, the darkness and the loneliness - they pass. they fade. and things get better. she's just got to give it time. that's the only thing that heals those feelings.

i watch situations like this unfold with those around me and i don't think i should have kids. i can't guarantee that i'd be a normal parent. i'm a little too self-involved to be responsible for the welfare of someone else, a little person, someone who would depend on me for life and sustenance.

i mean, some days, i forget to feed the cats...

so last night, after all that i went through yesterday personally, i went to see my lil star in the hospital. i didn't do anything drastic, i was just there to give her an ear, to let her know that i care. that she means the world to me - i mean, for god's sake, i loaned her a tickle bunny. for those of you that know me, you know that there is no other symbol of trust and love that could ever mean more to me. i gave her one of the things in my life that is made of pure happiness - rainbows and sunshine and puppies - and i wanted her to have it, just to know that someone loves her. it's one of the most comforting things in my life and i wanted to share it with her because she means so much to me. i hope she knows that.

and then i reminded her that it was only a loan... but i got her to smile.

i took the gran massa with me last night. he's often misguided but he's nothing if not loyal and last night was no difference. he's a good friend to me. he lets me cry and carry on and be dramatic and stupid and all the while he tries to comfort me as best he knows how. he doesn't always understand but he tries and that's all i can ask. i'm lucky to have him as a friend.

i didn't get to bed until nearly 0700. late dinner, early drinks and bizarre cartoons made for a late, late night.

i didn't accomplish much today. i had a list of things i wanted to do today and it just didn't happen.

i got a disappointing phone call this evening. baxter has to cancel next week's trip. i won't lie, i was a little upset. i found the entire thing a little concerning and i took it a little personally. not necessarily the correct way to take it, but it was my first response. after being coerced into calling him back, i find that i feel much better. although it could completely be his wife and seven children that are keeping me from seeing him this coming week, i have a feeling it's prolly work related and not his fault. i mean, he did sound quite apologetic. unless maybe i'm just a sucker and completely falling for this line of crap. but my gut says otherwise. and so i'm going to go with it. we're going to try to find a weekend that works for both of us... sooner hopefully than later. it's an interesting feeling to be so attracted to someone that technically i've never met - only to know personality-wise makes things interesting to say the least.

and the conversation is always good...

but if the next meeting goes awry, i may begin to think otherwise.

have you ever seen a 4,500$ stuffed animal? gran massa and i went to dinner tonight on his casino points. averaging about 1 point for every 3 dollars played/transacted in the casino, our dinner and my stuffed dog ended up costing about $26,000. it was good and the dog is cute, but when you break down the actual amount of money that essentially changed hands, it's a little sad. but it didn't stop me from gorging on orange roughy and lobster corndogs.

mmm. corndogs. :)

tomorrow i will post photos of my new 4,500$ dog. he's cute. his name is skeez and he requires no baths. woot!

so now i'm going to bed, visions of upcoming vacation in my head. what shall i do with my two days next week? perhaps i'll stay home and be responsible, catch up on work i need to do.

we'll see. gnite.

love,
superfreakindisappointedbutunderstandingjanel

you don't know what you mean to me and i don't know how to help you.

there's someone in my life that's operating at mach two and not wearing her seat belt. i love her. she means the world to me. i see more of me in her than i can explain. and i fear for her safety. i know where she's coming from and yet i don't know how to stop her. i don't have the words; even though i have the experience, i can't seem to put it into a context to help her understand.

of all the times for me to lose my voice...

i don't know if relating my personal experience will help or will only give her the tools to succeed. i want to take her by the shoulders and shake her until she understands what she's doing.

i take this as a personal affront. don't you understand? didn't you learn anything by watching me fail? by watching me stumble? don't you know that this can be literally the beginning of the end and sometimes there is no one there to rescue you, to save you, to make things okay? sometimes no one can make this right, no matter how loud you shout, no matter how loud you scream.

and then you're left with the chaos you've created and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

i don't think this is how you want things to end. i really don't.

i know you're sad. i know you're angry. and most of all, i know you don't understand what's happening to you and why you feel the way you feel.

but this is not the answer. please trust me on this.

i replay the last evening we spent together in my mind, and i don't think there was anything i could have said or done differently. i don't think there was anything i missed, any signs, any clues. and yet i feel an incredible amount of guilt, which is somewhat silly, i realize. but i can't help it. i feel like there is some pressure on me to see the signs and pick up on the clues, no matter how small they may be.

but if they were there, i missed them. and i'm sorry.

i just wish you'd tell me what i can do to help. tell me what you need. tell me what you want.

i'm here for you. any time, any place, any thing.

you truly don't understand what you mean to me.

i love you.