12 January 2008

bad to worse, worse to... what comes after worse?

i've really done it this time. no, really, this is my fault. the bee and i have been at each other's throats all week. i take that back. we had a couple good nights. i made dinner, we talked - they were good nights. and then we had some... well, i can't even explain what went wrong. i've been nothing but an awful, terrible bitch for the last month and i haven't been able to put my finger on the reason. last night was tops, though, really. i completely rivaled meryl streep or shirley maclaine in my ability to go from normal to raging, lunatic bitch in about 4.6 seconds. the bee and i went to dinner with my parents and it just turned into a fiasco. and it didn't have to. on the way over, he was nice. he wanted to talk. and i was awful. and i was awful at dinner and i was awful after dinner. i was so awful that i left him there to find his own way home. and i was so awful that my parents argued about my awfulness most of the night and into today.

and i was so awful that i think i finally got the bee to his breaking point. or the point of breaking up with me. we can't talk on the phone; we can't talk, period. all communication is by text message, which feels so juvenile. but his message was clear: he doesn't need me. and that's all i got. that's all i got last night, and all i got today. in fact, i haven't even heard from him today, which means that he's serious.

of course, i ran away from it. and i ran right back home, to my old room and my old habits. its sad how much we really are creatures of habit. and so this morning, in looking for my daily validation from my mom, i got my eyes opened.

i'm not sure why i'm not happy with him. i'm not sure why he's not good enough for me - why i won't let him be good enough for me. it probably wouldn't matter if he righted every wrong i pointed out to him - i'm sure it wouldn't be enough. i don't know when i became such a heartless person. i was thinking that it was just inevitable - my taking something relatively good and just fucking it up beyond belief. it's what i seem to do. but i think that's just an excuse for my fear.

and what am i so afraid of? i can't even pinpoint that. i know i'm terrified of this baby and the responsibility it brings. i'm terrified of what people think of me - single, pregnant, unemployed, uninsured and in financial dire straits. i'm terrified that i'm not going to be able to get my act together, to make it work for myself and for this child. but most of all, i am literally terrified to be alone. not alone, like afraid to be alone in this house, but alone, with no significant other. so then i wonder, do i care about the bee? did i care about the bee? is there really any hope? or was this just another doomed attempt to thwart being lonely? i don't know what i'm doing anymore, and i'm having a terrible time trying to right my wrongs.

i seriously don't know where to start. can i apologize to the bee? would it even be honest? and would he care? do i pay the rent or the car payment first, and while we're on the subject, where am i going to get the money to do that? how am i going to get a job after they take my car? and why can't i seem to get it together? why am i constantly falling apart? when did i become so weak that failure became a viable option?

i'm sad. i'm sad for me, because i don't know where to start or what to do. i'm sad for the bee, because most of this really isn't his fault. and i'm really sad for this baby, because it has no idea what it's coming into. of everyone, this baby has the most to lose, which is heartbreaking because it's certainly not his (or her) fault.

my mom worries that i don't want this baby. that's not the case. really. i already love this baby more than i can put into words. but i'm scared to death of failing this child and bringing it into a world with strikes on its record. what kind of parent am i that i can't make the mom and dad relationship work? what kind of parent am i that i drive away its father? better yet, what kind of parent am i that i honestly think that i may not even want its father? he was apparently good enough for me at one point; what changed? and what makes it okay for me to be that selfish when there is someone else, someone helpless and innocent, to take into consideration?

i have all these questions, and not a single answer.

it was brought to my attention this morning that i've been off my antidepressant for about six weeks now, ever since i thought there may be a chance that i was pregnant. the effects of celexa on a fetus were dangerous enough that my doctor told me to stop. interestingly enough, that's when a lot of my problems started. funny how that works, isn't it? i'd been on antidepressants for a couple years up to that point - and while i can see in other people how going off them effects their mood, i've never been able to see it in myself until i'm almost completely out of control. its kind of funny, i had this conversation with my brother's girlfriend just last week and never once considered the possible implications, personally. my mom wants me to talk to the ob/gyn next week at my appointment to see if there is anything that can be done. and probably there is. but i don't know if my personal relationships can be salvaged or what kind of excuse that is for my behavior.

i just don't know what to do. and wouldn't you know it, i can't turn around without images of a baby or a family or something on television or in the books i read and i've been crying pretty much nonstop. not that it takes much for me to cry these days, but i've been in tears pretty much all weekend. and this is what i do to get away and de-stress...

i'm making dinner for the family tomorrow. not in my own house, because i literally can't bear to be there right now, but in my mom's kitchen. one of these days i'm going to have to stop running away. and walking away and turning away. and learn to just start standing still.

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