pink is the new black.

at least it is this week. i can't make up my mind. i don't think the pink is a permanent decision but i'm in flux currently, not able to make important descisions. we'll see how long it lasts. the pink, i mean.

i love days like today at work. i walked in to find two cancelled dallas flights and every single stl flight cancelled today due to weather in stl. they got like a shit ton of ice. ord was surprisingly together today, a few were late but nothing out of the ordinary for ord. not like it will be tomorrow. and the thing is, i'm still looking forward to tomorrow. gosh, how could that be? oh right. i don't work tomorrow. suckers. hehehehehe.... it was nice here today. freezing fucking cold, but nice. the ice that accumlated outside last night must have melted as soon as the sun came up because it was dry on my way to work, which sucked, because I LEFT EARLY in anticipation of the bad roads. perhaps if i'd get out of bed early enough to watch the news i'd have known this, but oh well. so i got to pleasant hill like 15 minutos before i needed to be there so i stopped and got a chocolate milk because i ♥ chocolate milk.

here's an interesting question. the chocolate milk i buy is nestle quik fat free skim chocolate milk. and so you know how when you buy milk at the store it's only good for like 10 days, 12 days max? the chocolate milk i bought this morning was good until 07jan07. it's not even december yet. how can that be? what's in my chocolate milk that keeps it from rotting like regular milk? does anyone know? i'm curious. maybe it's not really milk. people who don't drink skim milk would argue that it's not milk, it's white water. but i can't drink anything other than skim because it never tastes cold enough. i don't know; i can't explain it. stop giving me that look. but even if its not milk, they've done a good job disguising it as milk. i think it tastes like milk. yummy chocolate milk.

i'm thirsty. but not for chocolate milk. not right now.

other interesting things that occurred today:

• i left work at 1800, which allowed me to come home and watch the office during it regularly televised time slot. this means that come tomorrow morning, i'm not at the mercy of those bastards that run itunes. yay!
• i lost my glasses. i don't know where they are and yes, i have looked, and yes, i have retraced my steps. i know i had them yesterday, and i don't think i left the house until yesterday afternoon and i know i didn't have them in osky, so they have to be here or in my car or somewhere. i did go to the supermarket but i don't think i would have left them there so i'm sort of at a loss. if a lot of my words start coming out wrong, all misspelled and shit, it's not my fault. my eyes are tired and i'm partially fucking blind. no worries. this, however, is not a yay, it's a boo. so this negates the prior yay and now i'm back at zero.
• i came clean to my mom about a situation that's been bothering me for a while now. major freaking yay. and she's still mad at him for being a shitty friend to her and not at all mad at me for being human. on the yay scale, this counts for two. yay! yay!
• my boi from mke found me on yahoo! i can't wait to discuss life with mke boi, i've missed talking to him. it's been a long time since i've heard from him and he doesn't have a myspace so i'm trying to get him to join this century. more on this to come. yay! yay! yay!
• i had a really great hair day today, at least until the wind got at it this afternoon. neither yay or boo, i sort of negated that one myself.
• nigel and i are drinking all weekend. big yay.

tomorrow is 01dec. then it's only 24 days until christmas. i think it's time to make a christmas list. let's start with the impossible things first:

1. a new 2006 pontiac gto. phantom black, please.
2. a sugar daddy to pay off my student loans. no educating foreign kids to get them paid off. just do it for me. all in one lump sum. make the check out to iowa student loan, the money sucking bastards...
   
3. incredibly heavy room-darkening curtains for my bedroom. or just a lot of black plastic bags, really thick ones, and some duct tape. (is it duck tape or duct tape? snackmaster bob calls it date tape. hmmm....)
4. a new desk since my old one got adopted and had to move several counties away.
5. those adidas with the color changing stripes.
6. a year's supply of vitamin water, half the orange kind and half the dragonfruit kind.
7. a tempur-pedic mattress. king size.
8. a trust fund. so i don't have to work and i can lay all day - in the pitch black darkness of my bedroom - on my tempur-pedic mattress when i'm not driving around in my gto wearing my rad new adidias.
9. someone to do my hair for me everyday. i love, love, love when other people do my hair and i don't have to mess with it. it always looks so much nicer.
10. that tattoo for my back. the big one. but drug me up beforehand because that mother's going to hurt wicked bad.
11. some cheese.
12. the name and phone number of someone who wants to buy all my dumbass beanie babies and my dining room table. (takers?)
13. the phone number for that one guy, you know, from that one place? and his undivided attention for say, 138 minutos. :D
    

okay. i'm tired. going to bed now. oh hell, i have the hiccups. gahhhh.

okay. good night. i mean it now.

i hella ♥ dsm

i snapped at a friend today. i don't think he initiated conversation with the intention of pissing me off but it didn't strike me well and then jumped down his throat and got all shitty real fast. it wasn't nice of me and i'm sorry i did it but i'm not in the mood to apologize just yet. i'm sort of reveling in the quiet that is mine, currently. as "quiet" as it can be around here, with the radio blasting and the tv blaring and the washing machine washing and the dryer drying and the cats hissing... it's actually not very quiet but it's my controlled chaos and mine alone.

besides, he's prolly already in bed, seeing as he has to get up at the absolute ass crack of dawn to go and be all deltamatic. but just in case you read this i am sorry i ripped your head off this afternoon. you didn't deserve it. i'm just being bitchy and crabby and there's really nothing you or anyone else can do to help.

see these dollars? this is the largest jackpot i won while i was in vegas. sad, isn't it? i agree. i am soooo happy to be home, i can't even begin to explain it. vegas is exhausting, mentally, physically and financially. the lights and sounds played havoc on my senses and it took a while to detox from the contstant neon and bells and flashing lights. it felt good to come home; it smells better here than out there. perhaps if i'd gotten out of the city and the hubbub and noise i would have enjoyed the trip more. but instead my little mini-vacation left me all jacked up like somebody who drinks only red bull with a chaser of stacker 2. and i couldn't find any goddamn stacker 2 in nevada. but i didn't look that hard either. i'll bet its out there somewhere.

it's icing outside and the wind is howling. however, one upside to living on the freakin third floor is that my heat is currently off and it's still 66 degrees in here. yay for my neighbors below. crank it baby, i may have to open the windows in celebration of our first winter storm. isn't that neat? actually with my super efficient pella windows, i don't even have to open them in order to feel the cool, 27-degree winter breeze. fuckers don't hold back hardly any of the wind. pella windows suck. that's one thing i will agree with you on, dear reader of mine. how ever, these thin panes of glass do allow me to listen to the dumb bastards attempting to drive on the ice rink that is east 13th street. it's kind of fun. i'm on my third crash sound now...

apparently i've never had all my clothes clean at once, like i do right now, for i find that i do not have enough hangers to accomodate my wardrobe. which is strange, because like last week, i had not only enough hangers, but about 30 left over. where were all these alleged dirty clothes? or did someone steal all my extra hangers? come forth, you stingy bastard! and bring back my hangers! my closet is a freaking disaster area. its not a bad sized lil' closet, i just have a lot of clothes in there. and many of them are green. and pink. and red. and black. not a lot of brown, but some. and some blue. not very much orange or yellow or purple, though. i don't look that great in orange or yellow and purple is just not my bag. at. all. blecch. i have to wear blue to work so i try not to wear blue on my days off. but it's just a mess and it makes me crazy. when i first moved in, i had all my clothes arranged by type, color and style. now it's just a fucking pile of crap in the middle of a small room with some shelves and a door that i can close so i don't have to look at it. gahhh.

this saturday is the christmas party! free drinks to be had for all! oh, you say you're not drinking? order one anyway and pass it down, sucka! let no drink go unfinished, no alcohol be wasted, especially not of the free variety. i like free. if it's free, it's me. and then i'm sure the misty party wagon will be making a stop somewhere, somewhere close to my home, i hope, but i'm not going to be picky. this morning i thought i had a dream that she called and told me that she and missy were on their way to ankeny to rescue a cube van. the macguyver-ish tools they had been given to complete their task consisted of 4 quarts of oil and a tow strap. and then the weird part happened. she advised that she is going out on friday with missy and the boys. aaack! then i realized it wasn't a dream and the entire situation was real, 4 quarts of oil, tow strap and all. i'm a little freaked out by this prospect. i think, and i'm still not sure but i can't think of a good reason why i would have imagined this except that maybe it really happened and i'm trying to imagine it didn't, that i was semi-molested in the back of a car last time that this situation came about. i'm generally smart enough to say no second time around, but it is the misty party wagon and it doesn't sound like bobfold will be around to drag her away and leave me at the mercy of the boys. i don't know. i'm still torn. maybe if i'm given 4 quarts of oil and a tow strap...

the monkey spanked my banana until it decomposed twice annually.

tomorrow we leave vegas. i'm happy. it's been too long and been too expensive. this town is crazy. but they say you need to experience it once. so i'm done. i could so easily have a gambling problem. thank god i only brought $68.

the amazing johnathan was good. the buffet was not good. i do not like the saraha. next time i want to stay at the venetian.

next time i will bring more money.

like $112.

i love neon lights.

there's nothing quite like getting drunk with your mom. and your brother. and your stepdad. but i didn't let that hold me back; in fact, it was her fault. she's the one that bought me the gallon size kamikaze mixed with hurricane. she's the one that made me drink it. i felt bad, it was expensive. so i bottoms-upped and they paid the price. everyone at the table wore shrimp legs and crab meat.

vegas is interesting. the lights are neat, the people are freaks. there's always something to do, even 24-hour bowling which i haven't been to yet. i've been to old vegas and to new vegas and i have yet to see elvis, except on slot machines where the fat bastard takes all my nickels and quarters. i've learned the hard way that 5$ machines are not my friends but i do dig the occasional 1$ machine for kicks. in general i prefer quarters. cor-tas. even though a max bet on a four reel machine really is a dollar, i still feel as though i'm being frugal. i came here with the intention of becoming rich and famous and i'm going home as un-rich and un-famous as i was when i arrived, but that's okay. it's been fun. tonight we're going to see the amazing johnathan and his sidekick psychic sandra. i hear it's a good show, even though roberto is the only one i've heard talking about it and he's a little biased; he's the one that bought the tickets.

my internal clock is all fcuked up. i'm sleeping until noon, iowa time and staying up til 0400 vegas time. it's going to be a difficult transition come wednesday morning.

i miss my kitties.

okay. time to go ride the gondola and drive hummers and find penguins in the desert. good day ladies and gents.

i'm not afraid of anything. what's your problem?

i've cleaned out all the pennies and dimes out of my sofa and out from underneath the seats of my car.

i'm going to come home rich and famous.

wish me luck.

in the arms of sleep

Sleep will not come to this tired body now

Peace will not come to this lonely heart

There are some things Ill live without

But I want you to know that I need you right now

I need you tonite

I steal a kiss from her sleeping shadow moves

cause Ill always miss her wherever she goes

And Ill always need her more than she could ever need me

I need someone to ease my mind

But sometimes a someone is so hard to find

And Ill do anything to keep her here tonite

And Ill say anything to make her feel alright

And Ill be anything to keep her here tonite

cause I want you to stay, with me

I need you tonite

She comes to me like an angel out of time

As I play the part of saint on my knees

There are some things Ill live without

But I want you know that I need you right now

And Ill do anything to keep her here tonite
And Ill say anything to make her feel alright
And Ill be anything to keep her here tonite
cause I want you to stay, with me
I need you tonite

Suffer my desire

Suffer my desire for you

***

...if i could find someone to sing this to me, i'd love them forever...

...unconditionally...

...wholly and truly...

i don't think i can bowl for 24 hours.

while i sit at job #2 i often put my feet up on the paper shredder. it has a three-way switch: on, auto and off. today as i sat with my feet on the paper shredder, my jeans hanging precariously close to the sharp grinding teeth that eat all of my paperwork mistakes, i must have bumped the button from auto to on and the thing started grinding away, shredding my jeans. i guess it looks a little weird, but whatever. it scared the holy hell out of me.

have you seen the industrial trucks that drive around in cities, offering to shred documents and evidence? they probably don't advertise that they shred evidence, but think about it, why else would someone want to get rid of that much paper, so much paper that your typical office max special paper shredder won't cut it? it's because you're preparing to stiff somebody, the common working man and his poor family. don't you people have any souls? but anyway, there's the guy that drives the truck and then in the back there's the dude that just shreds to his little heart's content. shred, shred, shred. but in the midst of shredding, you can read. you can read mundane information and juicy secrets, whatever people want to get rid of. and then you can shred. it's a job that i imagine to be very fulfilling - you get to fill up all those bags and bags of shreds and cross cuts and shreds and confetti - so you can see just how much progress you've made. all the while in the back of a truck. i used to want that job. but i hate paper cuts.

sink the bad dog

i don't know what kind of dog this is. i don't even know if it's a real dog, i assume that it is. but i want it. i want to name it gregory. or steve. or pookie. :) acutally, i don't want a dog right now. but this dog cracks me up.

so i had a sobe with dinner tonight. i don't recommend sobe with any sort of quizno's sandwich. it goes down weird. but the saying inside the cap was "sink the bad dog." i don't know what it means, technically, but it does sort of relate to my life. sort of.

i stayed late tonight to cover for monique. or the texas ranger. after all the swapping and cs-ing, i'm not sure who i was really working for, but i know it means overtime and overtime is good. yay for me! yay for overtime! this week is also holiday pay, so i'm sort of psyched about that too. anything to help the rent get paid.

so once again, the nice but not date-able guy at worked asked me out. because i'm a sucker for a nice guy, i'm not sure how to turn him down. i tried avoiding the common places but that didn't work. now he's made a point to seek me out, to find me in the depths of baggage hell and try to extract information from me, information regarding when i work and when i don't and when we're going to go to the mongolian restaurant. i'm beginning to think that playing dumb isn't going to work anymore, i might actually have to say something harsh to get him to get the point. i hate being the bad guy.

lawyer retained. i'm supposed to go in next week to discuss our plan of action. hehehehe....

i'm sorry i didn't get an xbox. burger king has games with the king that you can buy for like 3$. i love the king. i love the commercial where the guy wakes up with the king. or the one where the king tries to ramp the bike but crashes. i know, i watch too much tv.

i'm excited about vegas. roberto is dragging me to some show, a comedian or a magician or something. amazing jonathan? i've never heard of him, but roberto says he's good. we'll see. i hear there's a swatch store in vegas, rock on. i'm working overtime. i can buy a swatch. :)

ora sto andando a letto. sono stanco. buona notte. muah!

i like you man... you're crazy, but i like you

i'm hungry for turkey. but not this turkey. i want my mom to make turkey but this year the family is eating at a restaurant. ick. i've been invited to eat with father and stepmummy, and while i'm sure that any meal created would just be phenomenal, i'm not heading that way. instead i've picked up extra hours at work at double time. i love holiday pay. holiday pay makes me happy. so does turkey, but with double time hours i can buy my own damn turkey. not that i will but i could. it's good to have options.

i'm tired of writing. i'm going to go to bed now. good night.

hey culligan man. can you help with this?

last night i dreamt that tiny little green army men were infliltrating my house through the windows and doors. i called an exterminator who couldn't solve my problem. i could see them - they looked like little people and their faces and bodies moved like they were real soldiers on a mission. i got out the vacuum and tried to suck them up but i kept stepping on them and it hurt so bad, i didn't know what to do. then a bird got into the house and i accidentally sucked up the bird with the vacuum and it made me cry.

then i woke up.

anyone feel like interpreting that one? ya. me neither.

for the purpose of fucking with him...

if you couldn't tell from the post a couple of posts ago, i got my divorce papers in the mail this week. according to the lawyer he retained, i have 20 days to sign and return this form that basically acknowledges that i'm aware he's filed. that's fine. so now it's my turn to retain an attorney and play dirty.

i want to sign my name as charles manson and send them back.

i wonder if anyone would notice.

frankenstein and pickle juice.

here i sit at job #2.

i'm sick as a dog and full of greasy cheesesticks and pizza. i drank too much last night and i learned, the hard way, not to ever mix orange juice and pickle juice again. ever. the shot was called a sam hill whore or something to that effect and it was yummy. it's a shot of jack followed, very quickly, with a shot of pickle juice. it's good shit. but i'd just finished a fuzzy navel and the combination is enough to make me vomit.

in fact, i did vomit this morning. right after i got my second nose ring ripped out. i don't know if i'm just not meant for facial jewelry or if i'm just a moron, but for the time being i'm done poking holes in my face. i sort of forgot it was there and wiped my face off with a bath towel as i got of the shower and pulled the sucker right out. not even 12 hours old and it's already gone. i suck. (actually i don't.)

but the pain and the blinding headache i already had made me vomit and it was red and i forgot that i drank 75 percent of a pitcher of margaritas and for a brief moment i thought i was dying, that i must have a terrible bleeding ulcer. then it occurred to me that it was just strawberries and i was going to live and the insanity of the entire thought process cracked me up and i laughed so hard i barfed again.

so this morning, the misty party wagon drove my stupid ass back to knoxville so i could get my car, go home, and get un-smelly in order to come to job #2. we talked on the ride up but my voice sounded like phil hartman in the old snl's where he played frankenstein and i can't stop thinking about that skit where tonto, tarzan and frankenstein are singing christmas carols. i looked for that video on youtube and couldn't find it. and i thought youtube had everything. sorely mistaken.

i believe i drunk dialed a couple of people that i wish i hadn't. stuff like that comes back to haunt you. well, maybe not you, but it comes back to haunt me all the damn time.

it's been a quiet day, thank god. today is the day the whippy dip closes for the year, which is sad, but the thought of ice cream makes my stomach churn. it's prolly a good thing i am working today, otherwise i'd be scarfing ice cream and regretting it later.

ya ya. cancun. dolly can be such a flake, don't get me wrong, i love her to pieces, but the plans for cancun were made prior to realizing that she has beauty school finals that week and she can't get away. so we're not going to cancun...right now. i think we'll go in january, which is perfect because i have vacation in january. so instead of cancun, i'm taking the family to vegas, which will be perfectly crazy. in all honesty, we've never had a real family vacation, like where we fly somewhere faraway and do weird family things. this ought to be interesting.

roberto and i went movie marathoning yesterday. we watched stranger than fiction. that really doesn't count as a movie marathon, one movie, does it? hmmmm... but it was good. not what i expected, really, but still good. i forgot my debit card, and not on purpose, i swear. he bought me a novel to help me get through final fantasy 12. it's kicking my arse. the book maps out everything i have to do and everyone i have to fight. i'm going to conquer this game, never mind that it's going to take me 12 years to do it and when i'm done, they'll be releasing playstation XXV and final fantasy 36. it will be mine. oh yes. it will be mine.

i'm tired. i want to go to bed. maybe i'll be back to write more later. maybe not.

you're a cold motherfucker, aren't you?

you could have at least told me this was coming. it's kind of hateful to let someone get this in the mail, especially since you know how much i love getting mail. i guess it hurts because deep down, i truly thought we had a chance. i thought there might be something left. i guess i was wrong. i guess i was wrong about a lot of things. i cried tonight. i cried over you. i cried over what i thought i had and what i thought i'd lost. but i'm done. i'm not crying for you anymore. i'm not crying for anyone. you don't deserve my tears. no one does. i'm stronger than this. i'm going to be fine.

how about you?

no more fart noises, please.

my computer just like wacked out. i was trying to type an apostrophe and everytime i'd push the apostrophe key, it would make this weird farting noise. not my computer, but mozilla. this weird little box would flash and it would fart. how fucking weird is that. hmm. well, i restarted and now i can apostrophe to me lil' heart's content. yippee!

so. the news for the day is:

****i'm going to cancun!****

did you notice the apostrophe? no fart noises. rock. but yeah. i decided, fuck it. dolly's only going to be 21 once and i need a break. so i'm going to go to cancun and drink myself stupid on the beach. or wherever the group goes. something about her and sue and a few ua peeps from msn. whatever. give me some sun and some sand and a mai tai and i am soooo ready to go with the flow. i've got my days at work covered and i've got a bunch of shit to sell on ebay to make the money i'll spend while i'm down there. rock the hell on. this will be fun. we'll meet in dfw on the 26th and come home on the 29th. just long enough to get a sunburn and a veneral disease. only kidding. vd does not a good souvenir make.

i told my mom i was going to cun, i thought for sure she'd be upset and tell me my priorities are out of order. in fact, it was quite the opposite. she was telling me i needed to go and i was the one saying it's just not responsible. well fuck responsible. i'll figure something out. i always do. i want to go and i deserve to go. i haven't seen sue or dolly for months and months. and i do love the ocean. the resort is all-inclusive. fun, fun, fun.

so. i have a ton of longaberger stuff to sell on ebay. do you want to buy a basket? i have lots of baskets. and i'm not selling even half of them...yet. baskets and clothes and crap. would you like to buy some crap? i wanted to get stuff listed tonight but it's not going to happen. so instead i'll get all my photos ready and take measurements for my descriptions and get ready to list tomorrow night. crap... crap for sale...

so there's all these new people at work since nwa got outsourced. and 90 percent of them are retarded. not like officially retarded, but pretty freaking stupid. there are these stickers on the doors that say push to open. because right next to the door there's a green 'exit' button. (no fart noises there either.) you push the green button to get the door to unlock so you can pull it open. but i guess if you're retarded that's hard to comprehend. some chick got stuck on the back side of baggage claim because she was pushing on the door and couldn't get out. and then apparently she had a genius moment because she did eventually reappear. "i don't know why that door says push to open... you have to pull on that door to get out." hmmm... i would think they'd have a minimum iq requirement to work that sort of job but maybe not. do you have a pulse? perfect! you're hired!

the kitties are getting along beautifully. now they lick each other's faces and then bite the holy hell out of each other. it's sweet. no, seriously, they get along okay. they do like to play at ungodly hours, though, like 0300. and 0530. crazy bastards.

i'm infatuated with csi:miami because i'm in love with david caruso. sometimes the entire show has a yellow tint to it; but i wonder if that's not my tv. or maybe miami is so much closer to the equator than iowa that the rays from the sun absorb the color from the surrounding sand and disney world and it reflects as yellow instead of white. maybe not. i don't know.

isn't he cute? i love the way he talks. plus, the old csi have rory cochrane in them. ahhh yes... lucas. yum!

finally, i get to go to a dildo party. finally. heather's having one tomorrow night and i don't have to work late. in fact, i may try to leave a little early to get there on time. i need all the dildo time i can get. :) i've missed all the other ones, so i'm looking forward to going.

nigel and i are going drinking on friday night. rock on. bob's going to some ultimate fighting thing or something, i can't remember. he told me about it last weekend. this saturday is the last day the ice cream store is open until next march. i'm sad. where will i go for ice cream now? paying for it just doesn't seem quite right and i doubt hyvee is just going to let me have ice cream. so we're drinking in honor of the whippy dip closing. and whatever else comes to mind. perhaps i'll call blue eyes to see if he can get a babysitter and some free time... maybe not. i don't know. i haven't talked to him in over a month. i just never called. god, i sound like a dude. that's just not right; there's something wrong with me.

i applied for another job at hdq. another tariff job. i hear that the powers that be are a teenie-weenie bit upset with me because they want to give me more responsibility and i keep trying to get out of the station. jesus, who wouldn't want to get out of there? its fucking depressing. we're all miserable, the bond that ties is that we're all miserable about the same thing. but we're all so spoiled with our travel benefits that no one wants to leave. i'm sure it won't go anywhere, this application i've submitted, but you never know. i'll never get out if i don't try. i could live in dfw. that'd be okay.

okay. csi is on. i'm going for now. ta-ta.

to cancun or not to cancun?

this is my question. a group of pals is making plans to head for the sunny beaches of cancun later this month and i'm among the invited. i don't know if i want to go. it'd be fun. it'd be a drunken blur. me and sue and dolly and who knows who else? i'm going to have to find people to pick up my days and then i'm going to have to repay on my regularly scheduled days off and then nigel will have to work her day off... i dunno. but it would be fun...

oh, woe is me.

me and my poor eyes. and my wrists. i've been playing final fantasy for a couple hours now. i can't stop. and my eyes and wrists kind of hurt. i'm going to have to build up some stamina so i can play for days at a time like a real gamer. i heart playstation. next i want a shooting game so i can come home from work and shoot people in video games and pretend they're the fuckfaces i see at work, the ones that complain about their lost luggage. "listen here fuckface. you're upset about your lost bag? now you're going to be upset about this, this giant hole in your face!" hehehehe... yessss...

but i do heart my new playstation. like i said, i'm playing final fantasy. and i'm looking for the rogue tomato. it will be mine. oh yes, it will be mine.

i have to go to work tomorrow. i don't want to go. i want to stay home. but i'm out of sick hours and days and vacation so i'll be going to work. for a while.

misty and i were going to go out tonight. but i didn't want to go. brent called and wanted me to do something, i don't know what. but i didn't want to go. i'm getting to be antisocial. i may never leave my house again.

i'd sell my soul for a playstation III

or i can give you 42$ towards the purchase of a playstation ii. whatever works best for you. just let me know. but you have to provide a couple of game for it, either way. deal? deal.

so last night we saw borat. it was awful. i haven't seen ugly, hairy naked men in that position for awhile, at least not in something rated for general audiences. it makes me shudder just thinking about it. but it was still good. and hilarious. roberto and i were going to see the new will ferrell movie too but the line was too long and the chocolate made my stomach sick. ugh...

score! my mom just bought me a playstation!!! rock the hell on. i rule. now i can play car games and battle games and burn my eyes out of my head playing video games. i am the shit.

i wish i had a tail

so i could chase it in crazy circles on the bed at 0500. like mischa. like mason. i got lots of kitty time this morning, and then i fell back asleep. i didn't want to get out of bed, but after the deep tissue/kidney massage i got at 0806, i didn't have a lot of choice. it was get out of bed or wet the bed. so i got up.

it's raining. it's actually raining quite hard. i'm glad i didn't wash the car. i don't want to go out at all today, it's a perfect day to loaf. but i've been doing enough loafing and i have to go to job #2, i have some cooler or something to put on ebay for the godfather. and i have a computer to set up and a network to map. thank god they pay me well. :) in fact, it's payday. yeehaw! after all that, it's movie marathon day. rock the hell on.

okay. i have to go shower now. good day.

who are you?

i love cheese pizza. it's like the bestest food in the whole wide world. i mean really, there is no bad pizza, but when i can choose, i choose cheese.

i have a confession to make. i've confessed to this already, but it doesn't make it any less heinous, in fact, what i'm about to tell you is even more embarassing. so last summer, late at night, in the dark, when no one was watching, i committed a terrible, terrible, awful sin. i watched a lindsey lohan movie. and i liked it. in fact, i liked it so much...omg, i can't believe i'm about to publicize this... last night, i bought mean girls on dvd. and i've watched it twice. i'm so ashamed.

you prolly thought i was going to admit some torrid affair, eh? ya, no such luck. not today. not ever.

i left work early tonight, 30 minutes early, with the hopes of getting home early enough to watch the office on the telly and not on itunes. but it didn't happen that way. too many things to do. i turned down an offer to go out tonight with the pals. i couldn't bear the idea of going drinking tonight. i just wanted to go home and veg and take cough syrup and watch movies. :D and that is what i'm doing. that's all i've been doing. that and laundry.

i have to work job #2 tomorrow. it's dollars, i know, but i would still like to sleep in. but, tomorrow afternoon is movie marathon day. i like movie marathon day. borat, for sure. and stranger than fiction. and there was something else i wanted to see but i can't remember what it was. i need to go to bed.

maybe you're a floozy

i went back to work today. i didn't feel well, i didn't feel good at all, but i didn't want to stay home another day. and i love to stay home, don't get me wrong, but i've had enough time at home lately. so i went back to work. and suffered. and made everyone else suffer too. :)

i talked to my best good work friend today. lately he's been wondering if i'm angry at him, he thinks i've been ignoring him. i haven't been ignoring him, i told him, i'm in an emotional hole. it's really got nothing to do with him, although lately he's been as hard to reach as i have. he spent a week in cvg for deltamatic training (or almost a week) and then when his bf is in town, he goes dormant, it's like they're in hibernation. you can't get them out for any length of time, i tried a couple of weeks ago and it was a no go. so i try not to bother him when bf is in town, which lately is kind of often. so that's that. no hard feelings, no feelings have changed. i'm in a rut and he's in a relationship. but he said that he wonders if he's made a good decision, working for deltamatic. i think he'd be bored if he weren't working, and i think he'd miss the industry if he were working any place else. and i'd miss him if he weren't around. i miss him anyway, with him wearing the wrong color and all... and using deltamatic. ewwww....

i'm watching nacho libre and it's retarded. not even in a good way. and i paid money for this. it does make me hungry for corn on the cob. i guess there are some funny parts.

roberto and i have another movie marathon lined up for friday. he came over last night to watch election results with me; i got the real story as to why markus voted republican. and i heard that momma wants to shower with the new christmas tree. (i could have done with out that.) but i promise next time we go to home depot, i'll let him push me around in the tony stewart cart. :) i'm dying to see borat. and the new will ferrell movie comes out friday too. yay us! he's quitting school so we can travel. i mean, that's not why he's quitting school, but it works to my favor because now i have a travel buddy. i don't know what he's going to do. he doesn't currently have any employment beyond the ice cream store, and that's CLOSING 18nov. i'm so not happy about this. i just discovered my new favorite ice cream flavor, reese's pieces and peanut butter cups. it's scrumdillyumptious. but only for 10 more days. so i'm going to have to stock up for the winter.

i didn't vote yesterday. i felt kind of bad, like i wasn't fulfilling my civic duty. but in all honesty, i was really confused about it. did i vote in knoxville or pella? and i can't find my voter registration card, do i need that? so i didn't go at all. plus i didn't know who to vote for. i console myself by thinking that one vote wouldn't have made any difference, and in all honesty it wouldn't have changed a thing. but i like to vote. it's like getting the mail. it makes me feel important.

oh baby, oh baby

i'm sick. i'm dying. i wish i had someone here to watch over me, bring me water and kleenex and make sure i'm still breathing. someone to tell me i'm beautiful even though i'm sick and icky. oh baby, oh baby, you could be the one i dream about, the one i need.

so i mentioned i purchased a new dvd player, but i failed to mention the circumstances around bringing the dvd player home. it came in a box, obviously. a small cardboard box. a small cardboard box that said 'caution' and 'do not drop' and 'use care in opening', things like that. i know because i read it. i read it as i was walking up the stairs. i read it as i fell, on the box, as i was walking up the stairs. yup. it still works, it works quite well, but the box is all smashed up and shredded. and so is my knee. but i can watch dvds, goddamn it. and that was the entire point. except that now, while i watch dvds i have to ice my knee. but it will pass.

today i have done nothing but loaf. and it's felt good. i did shower. and i did get dressed. in fact, i even went to the ice cream store for lunch and got the mail. and then i came right back here and continued to loaf. i even got the good parking spot outside. rock the hell on. so far, i don't have any goals for tomorrow. perhaps i'll get up, perhaps i'll go to work. i'm undecided.

you're a handsome devil...what's your name?

my siblings are at a funeral this morning. one of their own was killed this week. car accident. a grisly one, by the sounds of the arrangements. closed casket. not good. it's been a while since i've experienced this, but it seems our small little hometown is cursed. young people don't last long there. this is the second funeral in as many weeks, which is a horrible thing when you're barely 21. it sort of changes your outlook on life, makes you doubt what you think you know. i feel for them, i really do. it's a horrible thing when someone you know, someone you're close to just isn't there anymore. it takes a long time for that wound to heal. and when it finally does you're never quite the same.

welcome back

i think i hear the welcome back kotter theme song. :)

i've been ignoring my blog for a while. purposely. the drama got to be too much for me. and for some others, too. once again, let me reiterate that i write what i write for me. not for you. this is my way to process the things that happen in my daily life. the little things. the big things. the significant and the insignificant, it's all here and it's all mine. the thing that bothers me is that there are some people that used to read this in order to gather information - evidence - to use against me. i'd like to think that people are better than that or that they have better things to do with their time. once again, i'm wrong. so. i'm back. and armed with the knowledge that this behavior will most likely continue. but i'm not going to let those small people keep me from doing what i want to do and what i need to do.

so. let me step down from my soapbox. let me step back and look at what's happened in the last few weeks. i have lots of things to write about.

i'm now fulltime at eagle. i got put in a gravy slot with money hours. suh-weet. :) if there was one good thing to come out of my best good work friend getting canned, it's that i'm suck-up enough to get his line without having to rebid. it's all about knowing the right people and being at the right place at the right time and i happen to be pretty good at both. i mean come on. i'm like fourth from the bottom of the fulltime senior list and i got a 1030 to 1900 shift with friday/saturday off. that's money, baby.

[as i write, i'm scanning nigel's computer for bugs and viruses. i think she has one. but the scan makes the computer hang every few seconds and i type ahead of what i can see and it's bothering me.]

one month out of 12: rent paid. cha-ching! now i only have to worry about 11 more months. one of 12, that's like 8.33 percent or something like that. i'm now 8.33 percent of the way through my lease. and then i can move. i'm going to move to somewhere warm. i'm tired of this cold and it's only the third of november. i want to take a transfer to somewhere west or south. none of this ord crapola. i'm over that. i want warm and sunshine and blue skies and beach. i want to live near the water. i want to smell the salt in the air and feel the salt on my skin. i miss the beach. only 11 more months and i'm out of here.


i had to call roberto to write a check for me because all my money has been accumulating on the breakfast bar in my house. a small pile of checks and no where to put them because i closed all my bank accounts. i finally got one opened but not in time to get my own checks printed so i gave roberto a check made out to me and he gave me a check made out to my landlord. and yes, i do enjoy making things difficult.

i got mason a friend. her name is mischa and she's a doll. she's all black, jet black with just a few white hairs under her chin. she's small, only about seven months old. she purrs constantly and makes a squeaking noise when she jumps. she makes a pig noise the rest of the time. she makes me laugh. mason, however, has gone from hissing to biting. he lurks around the corner from the bedroom, waiting for her to come out and then he pounces on her, his 16 pounds overtaking her small six. but at least she fights back. no blood. yet. i figure as long as they're not dead it's okay. i think that's what my mom used to think about us kids, too.

i had to order new work pants. i tore my last good pair on a suitcase at work the other day. that pissed me off. and my other favorite pair lost a belt loop. and my other favorite pair lost a cuff because they were too long and i walked it out and shredded it. it looks awesome. so my new pants should arrive today. i'm having them delivered to job #2 because that's where i'm sitting and rotting, currently. better here than baggage claim.

suddenly i'm hungry for warm homemade cookies. chocolate chip. peanut butter. and cold milk. skim. YUM. oooh, momma just called and i'm getting homemade chicken and noodles for lunch. rock the hell on.

job #2. i'm back at it. back to babysitting grown men and pretending to know what the hell i'm talking about. think about it: do you really want me taking part in your financial future? shit i don't even want me messing with my financial future. if i could have someone else manage my money or lack thereof, life would be good. i need a fulltime accountant. and a cleaning lady. i want a staff. i want an entourage. i need an assistant to make sure i get out of bed every day on time so i'm not late for work. and then i need someone just to praise and compliment me. i don't know what their title would be, maybe positive reinforcement coach? so already, with my accountant and my housekeeper and my personal assistant and my positive reinformcement coach, i've employed a small lithuanian family. i could also use a mechanic, a therapist, a hairdresser and a dj. i could have a gross national product that envies that of the country of belgium. but first i need money. and then i'm going to need a parking lot for all these people. so lets hear it for job #2!

i bought a dvd player. a cheapie waldoworld special. and it works with my tv. hallelujah! i watched anchorman and office space the other night in celebration. it was special. i get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. i still haven't watched walk the line and i think aunt shelly is wanting it back.

i haven't been drinking for a week now. the last time i went drinking was at catherine's bonfire. quite a few work people were there, and lots of the nwa folks that are losing their jobs. there was a uniform burning and a sing-a-long and when they broke out the 5$ gallon of tequila and the shot glasses i knew it was time to go. i can do shots. but not tequila shots. that's a painful hangover. catherine's birthday a few weeks ago left me sleeping it off with lindsey's dog in urbandale. i must have wrestled her dog for an hour; my fleece will never be the same. there are dog hairs permanently embedded in it. there's something about catherine that tends to get me in trouble. the first time i ever went out with catherine i nearly got in a fight with a bartender and then we got tossed out of perkins. she's trouble, i tell you. i'm innocent. :)

i love homemade chicken and noodles. and mashed potatoes with no lumps. that's the greatest thing ever. today anyway. i'm working like crazy this weekend. 8 hours at job#2, then five at job #1. tomorrow: more of the same, eight hours at job #2, six and half at job #1. sunday: eight hours at job #1, then i get to sleep. yay for sleep. i could use some sleep. i can always use some sleep.

so here i am at job #2. my soon-to-be-maybe?-ex-father-in-law was just here. he sold the race car and the pete wagon to the godfather. it's sad. it's like everything is ending all at once. i love jerry, i always will. he's an amazing person with an amazing amount of patience and humility. i know i've hurt them, and that makes me feel horrible because that was never my intention. so many things have happened and so many of them have strayed from the way i intended for them to play out. i can't change things so wishing they were different is a waste of energy and time. i guess all i can do is take what i have and enjoy it. everthing happens for a reason. some reasons just aren't crystal clear. this one sure wasn't.

i miss eric. i miss us. i miss the things we used to laugh about and the jokes we used to share. i miss a body next to me at night. i miss the feeling of someone caring about me. i've missed this for a long time, a lot longer than we've actually been apart. we weren't well for a long time prior to moving out, we were emotionally separated before we physically separated. but it still hurts. it hurts a lot. to compound this trouble, i'm not good at being alone. i've never been alone for long, i've never had to. i think i need to. i think it will be good for me.

which is why i've neglected calling some people the last few weeks. i'm not ready to feel anything for anyone. not even you.