welcome back

i think i hear the welcome back kotter theme song. :)

i've been ignoring my blog for a while. purposely. the drama got to be too much for me. and for some others, too. once again, let me reiterate that i write what i write for me. not for you. this is my way to process the things that happen in my daily life. the little things. the big things. the significant and the insignificant, it's all here and it's all mine. the thing that bothers me is that there are some people that used to read this in order to gather information - evidence - to use against me. i'd like to think that people are better than that or that they have better things to do with their time. once again, i'm wrong. so. i'm back. and armed with the knowledge that this behavior will most likely continue. but i'm not going to let those small people keep me from doing what i want to do and what i need to do.

so. let me step down from my soapbox. let me step back and look at what's happened in the last few weeks. i have lots of things to write about.

i'm now fulltime at eagle. i got put in a gravy slot with money hours. suh-weet. :) if there was one good thing to come out of my best good work friend getting canned, it's that i'm suck-up enough to get his line without having to rebid. it's all about knowing the right people and being at the right place at the right time and i happen to be pretty good at both. i mean come on. i'm like fourth from the bottom of the fulltime senior list and i got a 1030 to 1900 shift with friday/saturday off. that's money, baby.

[as i write, i'm scanning nigel's computer for bugs and viruses. i think she has one. but the scan makes the computer hang every few seconds and i type ahead of what i can see and it's bothering me.]

one month out of 12: rent paid. cha-ching! now i only have to worry about 11 more months. one of 12, that's like 8.33 percent or something like that. i'm now 8.33 percent of the way through my lease. and then i can move. i'm going to move to somewhere warm. i'm tired of this cold and it's only the third of november. i want to take a transfer to somewhere west or south. none of this ord crapola. i'm over that. i want warm and sunshine and blue skies and beach. i want to live near the water. i want to smell the salt in the air and feel the salt on my skin. i miss the beach. only 11 more months and i'm out of here.


i had to call roberto to write a check for me because all my money has been accumulating on the breakfast bar in my house. a small pile of checks and no where to put them because i closed all my bank accounts. i finally got one opened but not in time to get my own checks printed so i gave roberto a check made out to me and he gave me a check made out to my landlord. and yes, i do enjoy making things difficult.

i got mason a friend. her name is mischa and she's a doll. she's all black, jet black with just a few white hairs under her chin. she's small, only about seven months old. she purrs constantly and makes a squeaking noise when she jumps. she makes a pig noise the rest of the time. she makes me laugh. mason, however, has gone from hissing to biting. he lurks around the corner from the bedroom, waiting for her to come out and then he pounces on her, his 16 pounds overtaking her small six. but at least she fights back. no blood. yet. i figure as long as they're not dead it's okay. i think that's what my mom used to think about us kids, too.

i had to order new work pants. i tore my last good pair on a suitcase at work the other day. that pissed me off. and my other favorite pair lost a belt loop. and my other favorite pair lost a cuff because they were too long and i walked it out and shredded it. it looks awesome. so my new pants should arrive today. i'm having them delivered to job #2 because that's where i'm sitting and rotting, currently. better here than baggage claim.

suddenly i'm hungry for warm homemade cookies. chocolate chip. peanut butter. and cold milk. skim. YUM. oooh, momma just called and i'm getting homemade chicken and noodles for lunch. rock the hell on.

job #2. i'm back at it. back to babysitting grown men and pretending to know what the hell i'm talking about. think about it: do you really want me taking part in your financial future? shit i don't even want me messing with my financial future. if i could have someone else manage my money or lack thereof, life would be good. i need a fulltime accountant. and a cleaning lady. i want a staff. i want an entourage. i need an assistant to make sure i get out of bed every day on time so i'm not late for work. and then i need someone just to praise and compliment me. i don't know what their title would be, maybe positive reinforcement coach? so already, with my accountant and my housekeeper and my personal assistant and my positive reinformcement coach, i've employed a small lithuanian family. i could also use a mechanic, a therapist, a hairdresser and a dj. i could have a gross national product that envies that of the country of belgium. but first i need money. and then i'm going to need a parking lot for all these people. so lets hear it for job #2!

i bought a dvd player. a cheapie waldoworld special. and it works with my tv. hallelujah! i watched anchorman and office space the other night in celebration. it was special. i get all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. i still haven't watched walk the line and i think aunt shelly is wanting it back.

i haven't been drinking for a week now. the last time i went drinking was at catherine's bonfire. quite a few work people were there, and lots of the nwa folks that are losing their jobs. there was a uniform burning and a sing-a-long and when they broke out the 5$ gallon of tequila and the shot glasses i knew it was time to go. i can do shots. but not tequila shots. that's a painful hangover. catherine's birthday a few weeks ago left me sleeping it off with lindsey's dog in urbandale. i must have wrestled her dog for an hour; my fleece will never be the same. there are dog hairs permanently embedded in it. there's something about catherine that tends to get me in trouble. the first time i ever went out with catherine i nearly got in a fight with a bartender and then we got tossed out of perkins. she's trouble, i tell you. i'm innocent. :)

i love homemade chicken and noodles. and mashed potatoes with no lumps. that's the greatest thing ever. today anyway. i'm working like crazy this weekend. 8 hours at job#2, then five at job #1. tomorrow: more of the same, eight hours at job #2, six and half at job #1. sunday: eight hours at job #1, then i get to sleep. yay for sleep. i could use some sleep. i can always use some sleep.

so here i am at job #2. my soon-to-be-maybe?-ex-father-in-law was just here. he sold the race car and the pete wagon to the godfather. it's sad. it's like everything is ending all at once. i love jerry, i always will. he's an amazing person with an amazing amount of patience and humility. i know i've hurt them, and that makes me feel horrible because that was never my intention. so many things have happened and so many of them have strayed from the way i intended for them to play out. i can't change things so wishing they were different is a waste of energy and time. i guess all i can do is take what i have and enjoy it. everthing happens for a reason. some reasons just aren't crystal clear. this one sure wasn't.

i miss eric. i miss us. i miss the things we used to laugh about and the jokes we used to share. i miss a body next to me at night. i miss the feeling of someone caring about me. i've missed this for a long time, a lot longer than we've actually been apart. we weren't well for a long time prior to moving out, we were emotionally separated before we physically separated. but it still hurts. it hurts a lot. to compound this trouble, i'm not good at being alone. i've never been alone for long, i've never had to. i think i need to. i think it will be good for me.

which is why i've neglected calling some people the last few weeks. i'm not ready to feel anything for anyone. not even you.