17 January 2009

i'm not eavesdropping, i have supersonic hearing

the bee and i had a late lunch at panera yesterday (and for anyone reading that *might* be a panera employee, it was the panera in [sp]ankeny and we need to coordinate on your schedule so i can get my bread stumps in a timely manner and we can all make the most of your employee discount...). but anyway. we were sitting at panera because even sick janel loves soup and bread and there was this adorable little family to the right of us - a mom and dad and two little girls. and the youngest was doing as young kids do, singing and talking loudly and trying to worm out of her seat. and you know what the mom turned to her and said?

(are you ready, because this cracks me up!)

"if you don't be good, i'm going to sell you to the gypsies."

what? for real? you just said that in public, lady? because that's awesome!

those are the kinds of things that kids remember when they're 28, almost 29-years-old. and those are the kinds of things they tell their friends after they're all grown up because they're so absurd and wrong (if not in a politically incorrect manner then just in a not-even-physically-possible manner) that they're just hilarious.

my mom was always telling me that "she brought me into this world and by god, she can take me out of it." yeah... NO. not without facing some serious consequences, lady. even as a kid, this used to make me giggle - long before i was aware of any legal consequences she might face but the idea of her trying to stuff me back in her tummy to take me out of this world was just funny to me.

and it still is.

my dad wasn't so much for empty threats. in fact, i don't remember my dad telling me anything really noteworthy over the years, beyond "don't wear purple shoes, they'll hurt your feet" or "save the whales: harpoon a fat chick." (i was in the 5th grade, you maroon! WTF?) i think my memories of my dad are a little warped.

now my grandma, my mom's mom? she was chock full of advice and quotes and other neat things that probably should have never been repeated outside of the house. like "a stiff penis has no conscience." that one has been in the family forever. she liked to give that advice before group dates and dances in the seventh grade.

nice, gram, thanks. now can you keep your voice down?

she was also known for "confucious say, man who stick hand in pocket feel silly. but man who stick two hands in pockets feel nuts." (you've got to imagine my grandma saying this with a fake asian accent. she did another accent too, a mexican accent, when she said that the only spanish she ever knew - or needed to know, thank you - "me llamo mickey." but she'd make this face and do this voice and "mickey" ended up sounding like "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeckey." and it used to make me laugh.)

another quotable grandma moment? "it's okay to prick your finger but it's not okay to finger your prick." my brothers are still laughing about that one.

ahh, those were the days.

my mom's dad always used to call us kids "maynard" - as in "good stuff, maynard." (i say that all the time to the dog.) but his wife, our crazy cheese-sending grandma dorothy, had trouble with the basics, like names. she knew my name but for years called my brothers "greg and gordon." (their names are actually craig and jordan, but hey, grandma gets points for trying, right?)

anyway. all this is neat and fun but i was sitting there yesterday listening to this woman scar her children with threats of roaming, nomadic gypsies and i couldn't help but wonder what baby wal-mart will remember of me and the weird things that i say. if he could talk right now, i know he'd come out of the womb screaming at the dog to get down and asking if he got all his potties out. i tend to have serious conversations with the dog - i can hold his attention longer than i can hold the bee's... usually. especially when i'm holding food, but that tends to work on the bee too, so who knows. all i can say is that it's hard being the only female in this house sometimes. but whatever, boo hoo...

but i digress. it's just fascinating to me that this little person will be molded by the things that i say and that i do. and sometimes that gives me the heebie jeebies. like we need another superjanel around...

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