what time is it? it's cold in here.

i think it's monday. my days are running together. when i worked, i looked forward to the weekends because it signaled no work and time at home. when i didn't work but the bee was employed, i still looked forward to weekends because it meant we could hang out (or argue or break up or whatever we chose to do that weekend). but now, since we're both home, all the days run together and weekends are no more special than weekdays and if i didn't have a calendar i wouldn't be able to tell a wednesday from a sunday.

it is monday, right?

it doesn't help that days and nights are just suggestions right now. the mini-bee isn't much for scheduling or timeliness. and at six weeks that's okay. if the little man is six years old and still trying to eat three times a night, we're going to have words.

did i tell you guys i rejoined chubby kids? first two weeks i did awesome; this last week, not so much. when i fall off the wagon, i fall hard. like standing up in the wagon and running off the back end at full speed. which, for a chubby kid, isn't that fast but i carry a lot of velocity. my mass prohibits any real acceleration. i'm going to go to my meeting this week but i won't weigh-in, i don't need to see just how badly i'm doing. the flip-side of this is that maybe a little public humiliation would do me some good. i don't know. i do know that i'm tired of salad and chicken but not scrambled eggs and popcorn - can a girl survive on scrambled eggs and popcorn? i guess i've survived on worse for longer; at least eggs and popcorn are better for me than martinis and tequila.

martinis and tequila almost sounds better than eggs and popcorn though. and if i had martinis for breakfast and tequila for lunch, i'd pass out by dinner and wouldn't care about my remaining points for the day.

something about this just doesn't sound right...

i had my first drinks, post-baby, last weekend. the bee and mini-bee and i went to his parents for dinner last friday night. his entire family was there and his almost-sister-in-law and i sat in his mom's kitchen and proceeded to drink a bottle of tequila. okay, she nursed a drink or two for six hours and i downed most of a bottle of tequila. mini-bee was cuddled and carried and held and fed by family and almost-sister-in-law and i had a pretty good time. it was nice to have an evening like that, it was a good way to ease myself back into the real world. although it still doesn't occur to me that i can have a drink when we're out - i'm always like, "i want tea" and then when everyone else orders beer or fun drinks, it dawns on me that i'm not pregnant anymore. but by then it's too late and i don't want to be the pain in the ass at the table, changing orders and having the wait staff spit in my drink.

okay. we're having a friday the 13th marathon in honor of the new friday the 13th movie coming out tomorrow... on tuesday the 16th. huh. that's jacked up.

insane for the sound of microsoft.

it's been a while. admit it - you missed me. it seems like the more time i have to blog the less i have to write about. what's up with that?

it's actually been kind of a busy week. it seems like every day last week i had to go to dsm for some reason. i had doctor's appointments and things just about every day last week. they all went well. i saw my therapist on thursday; she's wonderful. i just got to talk and talk about my trip. she thinks that moving will be good for me and that i'll find someone that deserves me. and she understands what i mean when i say that my days are no longer good and bad, it's more of a good moment/bad moment kind of thing that i experience. and she says that will never really go away, which i already sort of knew but hated to hear, you know?

i saw dr. mahone on friday morning. i hate that office more than i can put into words but i love that doctor so much - she is so sweet and so caring and so incredible. the first thing she said when she walked in is that she has no doubt that i will be able to have many, many healthy babies in the future. and i just broke down and cried. because i desperately wanted to hear that. no matter how much i wanted this baby, i needed to hear that from her. she did an exam and said that my body is back to normal and it won't be long before my heart doesn't hurt as much as it does right now. i find that hard to believe, but she said its the truth - it just takes time. i know she's right, because honestly it seems to be working. every day it hurts a little bit less but it's still there. some days it's a little less painful than others and other days i can't put it away - i can't shelve it, i can't put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard i try.

like right now.

but i'm learning to cope. i just tell myself that it wasn't my time, that i'll get to meet him later and that my little man is waiting for me, i just have to be patient for my someday. and then i don't feel quite so bad. or so desperate.

i'm doing things for me. thursday afternoon i went to what nigel and i affectionately call chubby kids, or what the rest of the world calls weight watchers. she's had some success with it and it could be good for me too. i don't have as much weight to lose as others but i do need to get into some good eating habits because candy and fast food aren't good eating habits unless you have my little brother's metabolism. so that's kind of cool. now i'm counting the points value of everything. except the points value of the entire bottle of crown royal i drank on friday night. apparently counting points started on saturday afternoon.

whoops.

friday was an interesting night, to say the least. i learned how to play assholes and presidents, which i still think is a made-up card game. and i sent out some mass drunk text messages, which i know were not appreciated by all recipients. (sorry.) but i did hear from a long lost ... friend? and got to spend time with him, although i have no idea what i said to him, and that sort of bothers me. but now that i know he's still out there, it's making me crazy. i think i was better off not knowing...

i really did drink myself into quite a painful state on friday - so much that i stayed home from green beer and pat benatar on saturday and so did nigel. and that's saying a lot. i slept all day yesterday and all last night. i still don't feel great - my chest feels all compressed and weird and i can't breathe. it kind of feels pneumatic but i don't have a fever or anything so i don't know what that's all about. it's probably nothing.

speaking of pneumonia, my poor, poor grandma is in the hospital. she's been having trouble breathing for some time and has been on oxygen and apparently hasn't been on enough oxygen. she went to the hospital via ambulance this morning and was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. she'll be there a few days to a week, which is sad because her birthday is this saturday and all the family is coming down. i hope she's out so she can enjoy it. i just hope she's okay. she looked perfectly awful this morning; her face was all swollen and puffy, i guess the steroids she's been taking makes her face swell but it looked terrible and it was kind of shocking. mom said she's been trying to prepare me for that but there's really no way to be prepared for that. i was really surprised. plus, she didn't have any makeup on and she looked really pale and small - she's just so tiny. it was just scary. i'm not good at stuff like that.

with the exception of two grandpas pretty much in the same weekend, i've been pretty lucky when it comes to stuff like that. that was 10 years ago. i'm not ready for anyone else to go but i probably don't get a lot of say, you know?

i got a new tattoo. it's beautiful. it's my direct connection to the baby; it's my way of honoring the baby. to me, it's better than jewelry. i'll post a picture when it heals. it's still kind of red and sore right now.

so last week i had a little too much to drink on thursday night and came home and went to bed and forgot to make my picks for my fantasy nascar league. which means that i missed the deadline and had to use the same picks from last week. i spent the last few days convinced i was going to give up my lead in my fantasy league all over an extra margarita. oh hell no! kevin harvick (my a-team driver and my dreamworld lover, oh how i love, love, love kevin harvick!) spun out tony stewart on the second to last lap to take second place and i not only held on to first place again this week (woot woot!), i won in points this week!

i know - i rule.

and with that, i'm going to bed. or rather, i'm going to go watch some csi and then i'm going to go to bed.