insane for the sound of microsoft.

it's been a while. admit it - you missed me. it seems like the more time i have to blog the less i have to write about. what's up with that?

it's actually been kind of a busy week. it seems like every day last week i had to go to dsm for some reason. i had doctor's appointments and things just about every day last week. they all went well. i saw my therapist on thursday; she's wonderful. i just got to talk and talk about my trip. she thinks that moving will be good for me and that i'll find someone that deserves me. and she understands what i mean when i say that my days are no longer good and bad, it's more of a good moment/bad moment kind of thing that i experience. and she says that will never really go away, which i already sort of knew but hated to hear, you know?

i saw dr. mahone on friday morning. i hate that office more than i can put into words but i love that doctor so much - she is so sweet and so caring and so incredible. the first thing she said when she walked in is that she has no doubt that i will be able to have many, many healthy babies in the future. and i just broke down and cried. because i desperately wanted to hear that. no matter how much i wanted this baby, i needed to hear that from her. she did an exam and said that my body is back to normal and it won't be long before my heart doesn't hurt as much as it does right now. i find that hard to believe, but she said its the truth - it just takes time. i know she's right, because honestly it seems to be working. every day it hurts a little bit less but it's still there. some days it's a little less painful than others and other days i can't put it away - i can't shelve it, i can't put it in the back of my mind no matter how hard i try.

like right now.

but i'm learning to cope. i just tell myself that it wasn't my time, that i'll get to meet him later and that my little man is waiting for me, i just have to be patient for my someday. and then i don't feel quite so bad. or so desperate.

i'm doing things for me. thursday afternoon i went to what nigel and i affectionately call chubby kids, or what the rest of the world calls weight watchers. she's had some success with it and it could be good for me too. i don't have as much weight to lose as others but i do need to get into some good eating habits because candy and fast food aren't good eating habits unless you have my little brother's metabolism. so that's kind of cool. now i'm counting the points value of everything. except the points value of the entire bottle of crown royal i drank on friday night. apparently counting points started on saturday afternoon.

whoops.

friday was an interesting night, to say the least. i learned how to play assholes and presidents, which i still think is a made-up card game. and i sent out some mass drunk text messages, which i know were not appreciated by all recipients. (sorry.) but i did hear from a long lost ... friend? and got to spend time with him, although i have no idea what i said to him, and that sort of bothers me. but now that i know he's still out there, it's making me crazy. i think i was better off not knowing...

i really did drink myself into quite a painful state on friday - so much that i stayed home from green beer and pat benatar on saturday and so did nigel. and that's saying a lot. i slept all day yesterday and all last night. i still don't feel great - my chest feels all compressed and weird and i can't breathe. it kind of feels pneumatic but i don't have a fever or anything so i don't know what that's all about. it's probably nothing.

speaking of pneumonia, my poor, poor grandma is in the hospital. she's been having trouble breathing for some time and has been on oxygen and apparently hasn't been on enough oxygen. she went to the hospital via ambulance this morning and was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. she'll be there a few days to a week, which is sad because her birthday is this saturday and all the family is coming down. i hope she's out so she can enjoy it. i just hope she's okay. she looked perfectly awful this morning; her face was all swollen and puffy, i guess the steroids she's been taking makes her face swell but it looked terrible and it was kind of shocking. mom said she's been trying to prepare me for that but there's really no way to be prepared for that. i was really surprised. plus, she didn't have any makeup on and she looked really pale and small - she's just so tiny. it was just scary. i'm not good at stuff like that.

with the exception of two grandpas pretty much in the same weekend, i've been pretty lucky when it comes to stuff like that. that was 10 years ago. i'm not ready for anyone else to go but i probably don't get a lot of say, you know?

i got a new tattoo. it's beautiful. it's my direct connection to the baby; it's my way of honoring the baby. to me, it's better than jewelry. i'll post a picture when it heals. it's still kind of red and sore right now.

so last week i had a little too much to drink on thursday night and came home and went to bed and forgot to make my picks for my fantasy nascar league. which means that i missed the deadline and had to use the same picks from last week. i spent the last few days convinced i was going to give up my lead in my fantasy league all over an extra margarita. oh hell no! kevin harvick (my a-team driver and my dreamworld lover, oh how i love, love, love kevin harvick!) spun out tony stewart on the second to last lap to take second place and i not only held on to first place again this week (woot woot!), i won in points this week!

i know - i rule.

and with that, i'm going to bed. or rather, i'm going to go watch some csi and then i'm going to go to bed.

i sold buicks in the bathroom yesterday. yuk.

ahhh, the feel of new ink. i love it. i always forget how much it hurts in the beginning - the outline almost always makes me cry. but the gentle pressure of the coloring makes it all better. if they'd stop asking if i was alright i'd probly go to sleep.

aya: west african symbol of one who has endured adversity in life. fucking sweet.

that one guy - i'm going to have to come up with a name for him, calling him that one guy isn't going to work anymore. what can i call him? asshole seems a little harsh, and besides, that's my pet name for libbeth. dickhead also seems a little rough and that's what i call roberto anyway... i'm not sure what to call him. generally, i'll only give you a blog name if i think you're going to be someone of importance in my life. the last couple names i doled out turned out to belong to pieces of shit.

i may have to think about this... i've seen him three times in the last week, and a couple in the week prior. he's already asked to see me before i leave and when i get back. for someone who referred to "this" as "nothing" it sure seems to have the substance of "something", at the very least. i'm not really okay with that, but what do you say? i like him well enough, he's entertaining. did i tell you he's a little younger than i? not like high school young, but young. he's about five years younger than i. i know, right? wtf?

anyway, i'll get to a name for him sooner or later. i'm not coming up with anything terribly creative at the moment and you know i won't settle for second rate, especially second rate blog names.

anyway. i was telling you about my new tattoo. that one guy wanted to go with, which sort of surprised me, he's not really into body art as a form of self expression. he sat and talked to the artist, ryan anderson at sacred skin on sw 9th - i highly recommend him, and then we went to dinner. i love breakfast for dinner. i refused to go out last night on the grounds that i needed to live my giver (ha!) a rest because i think nate tried to kill me the night before with his custom-made concoction, the dirty grizz (ingredients unknown). so i went to nigel's and watched iron chef and showed her the new ink and then went home and went to bed. i was seriously lacking for sleep; like seven hours in two days. the janel does not function well on little sleep.

i leave for charlotte in a couple of days. i've talked to libbeth a few times the last couple of days. it's amazing that even though i haven't seen her in years we can still talk like we're 17 and only 6 miles apart. she still cracks me up. i met her on my first day of school in the raging metropolis that is corydon, she had pink hair and i wore green chuck taylors. she brought me airplane peanuts and a friendship was forged. she's the best: incredibly beautiful and intimidatingly smart - and she's always there for me when i need her. i can call her out of the blue after two years and we fall back into conversation like we'd just talked the day before. i'm so excited to see her, even if we do just sit on her sofa and i help her clean. :) the last time i saw her she was pregnant with her little boy; he's three now and she's had another one, chloe, that i'm super excited to meet. i love other people's kids.

i'm at the whippy dip. i should probly look as though i'm working. more laters...