i'm not working today. well, if you want the god's honest truth, i'm not working any days anymore. which is kind of funny, in a demented sort of way. i was told that my goals don't align with the goals of the dealership i was working for. but truth be told, i was the only one in the department that set any kind of goal, personally or professionally. and i failed to meet those goals on the second month, giving them full reign to "let me go."
wow. i guess not having goals at all is better than having goals and not meeting them. but i digress. because none of that really matters now, and what can i do about it at this point. not a freaking thing. so it goes on the list of things that do not really concern me any more and i go about my business, which just now happens to include looking for work instead of going to work.
so this morning, i was in bed. it was late but i was enjoying the quiet. until a loud and repeated knock, knock, knock appeared at the door. the dishwasher repairman. who promptly started to disassemble the washing machine. wtf? my washer is fine, normally. look at the damn dishwasher. now he's telling me the reason that the dishwasher spits water all over the floor is because of the soap that i use. hmmm...
i wonder how much that job pays.
i stayed at my parent's house last weekend. the bee and i were not getting along, to the point that i just wanted a little peace and quiet. somewhere stress-free, where i could just sort of hide out and not be bothered. i sort of got that. he didn't understand the whole idea and still doesn't understand how he causes me stress. i guess i kind of wanted the time away to consider things, because the status quo doesn't necessarily have to be, you know? my mom says i'm asking a lot of someone his age - i didn't think consideration and kindness were things that you had to be going on 30 years old in order to give to someone or even understand, but maybe that's the case. i just want things to be right - for me, for him and for baby. because it's no household to be raised in where mom and dad are at each other's throats 24/7. and that's the way it's been. and you're right, it's been a stressful week. the dishwasher quit, i got fired, the holidays are hard. but i just need to know that i'm doing the right thing, that we're doing the right thing.
so while i was gone, i got, "i miss you, i love you, i want you here, i can't sleep without you here, i feel terrible." so i thought he'd be excited to see me. nope. he was asleep. and stayed asleep for several hours until i threatened to go eat dinner without him. and then last night he got "frustrated" with me because i told him that i really have no interest in sex right now. i look gross, i feel gross - it just wasn't a good time and i apologized. to no avail.
so i have no idea.
i deleted my myspace yesterday (another thing off my 101/1001!) and i have to tell you, it was sort of liberating. it's like a high school popularity contest and with all due respect, i don't need myspace to validate the fact that people like me. it's all bullshit. i'll admit, i got caught up in the "oh no, she deleted me" or "ooh, look who finally got a myspace." but it's an amazing time-consumer, or time-waster, really and i don't have the time or the interest anymore. so i'm done.
and now i'm off to look for work. blecchh...