22 August 2008

my angel

i'm not going to be sad today.

okay, that's a lie. i can't help but be sad today. if things had gone the way i wanted, today would have been my due date. in my mind, today's the day my life would have changed forever. a friend told me that this week is a major hurdle in healing and i know she's right - i've been carrying this weight around since february. maybe now i can begin to let it go.

i hurt every day for the might have beens, the should have beens and the what ifs. my heart hurts every day for that one little person that i don't get to meet. that one amazing little person i'll never get to hold, i'll never get to comfort when he cries, i'll never get to see him smile.

but that doesn't mean i can't - or don't - love him with all that i have.

the day i found out i was pregnant - i cried. i cried because i was scared that i wouldn't be able to support a child - i was scared that i wouldn't be good enough, that i wouldn't be able to give him what he needed, that my patience would be too short, that i wouldn't know what to do. but the moment i learned i was with a child, my entire point of view changed. i learned that it's not all about me anymore - i learned that i could love deeper than i'd ever loved anyone or anything before. and furthermore, i wanted to give every ounce of energy, time, every little piece of me to making sure my baby's life was fulfilling. i'd never felt that sort of unselfishness toward another person before.

that was the most amazing feeling in the world.

when i first saw him on the ultrasound, i was amazed. he looked perfect. he was beautiful. that was the happiest day of my life - i couldn't breathe, i couldn't speak - i was just in awe of this incredible little person inside of me. i felt like a mother that day and i couldn't wait to meet my child. i felt like i'd finally found my purpose - it all just felt right.

but it just wasn't meant to be. none of it was meant to be. life would not have been liveable for my child and i couldn't continue just for my own selfish reasons, no matter how much i wanted to. my baby was sick - he wouldn't have survived - and i couldn't put him through the pain and suffering. i did what i had to do and while i regret that decision every single day - i hate myself for that decision - i hate that i had to make such a decision - deep down, i know it was the right thing, the only thing, that could be done.

and so it was. it was hard. it was so, so hard. and it continues to be hard. i have good days and i have terrible days. sometimes i can smile and sometimes i just cry. i miss that person, i miss that feeling in ways i can't even begin to describe. i feel like i was robbed, like a part of me was stolen and there is no way to recover it. i try to console myself with the knowledge that he's up there, he's waiting for me, and someday, i'll get to see him. someday i will get to meet that amazing little person that changed my life and my outlook in ways i never imagined.

i find consolation in the fact that i gave him back to God before he could suffer, before he had experienced pain but not before he knew love.

and so today i'm having a small ceremony of sorts. my momma and i are releasing balloons near the river today in celebration of the life that changed mine. i'm hoping that releasing balloons to the sky will release some of the guilt i feel about the entire situation. i know it's just a day - and technically, it's no different than yesterday was or tomorrow will be - but it's the day. and i can't just let it pass. so let the release escort out the remorse and the negativity and usher in a welcoming of a new page, an ongoing life and the remembrance of a child. an amazing, beautiful child that i will always love and always remember.

so today i am a little sad. and that's okay. because i'm healing. i'm recovering. i'm shedding the blame that i've shouldered and i'm appreciating the person that changed my life forever.

i'm going to be okay.

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