25 January 2008

make me a bird, so i can fly far...

it's been a while. it's not that i haven't wanted to write, i just don't know what to say. it's been a rough week.

i've been at my parents all week. it started out as a reprieve from the bee and the drama that was going on at my apartment. last weekend i just needed a place to go to get away. it's turned out to be more than that.

last monday i woke at 5 am, bleeding and cramping. a trip to the doctor resulted in an ultrasound that showed baby moving around with a strong heartbeat, but a diagnosis that read otherwise. the ultrasound showed fluid at the base of baby's neck; a sign of things more serious and often deadly. the doctor advised that a miscarriage was a definite possibility, although the timing of such an event was unknown. he said that often, fluid in such a spot on a baby means that there is something chromosonally wrong, which can result in a miscarriage or can result in a birth defect. and then we were sent home.

i cried all day monday. i cried until i felt like there were no more tears and then i cried more. i've never felt so robbed in my entire life. i've been told that there is nothing i can do, or could have done, to prevent whatever may be wrong - that it's not my fault and i shouldn't feel guilty. but i have to tell you - at that moment, at that very second that those words leave a doctor's mouth - you second guess every decision you've made in the last nine and a half weeks. maybe it was the orange soda or the tylenol or the antidepressant or the tums or the chocolate cereal or the never-ending-stream of pizza. because it doesn't seem humanly possible that this, this malformation or death or whatever it turns out to be, could be caused by nothing at all. i spent all day monday (and tuesday and wednesday and just about every waking moment since then) searching for a reason, something i could blame, someone i could blame. but there isn't anything. i haven't done anything wrong.

there was some very light spotting on tuesday. but that was the last day, nothing since. i've been nervous to exert myself in anyway, nervous to fall asleep, nervous to take any sort of medicine. every time i go to the bathroom, i'm convinced that will be *the time*. i think that every pain in my back is *the pain*. the waiting is pure agony; and what if there is nothing to wait for? what if nothing happens? i'm expected to prepare for the worst and yet carry on with my life as if i'm expecting the best. it's an asinine request, it just seems barbaric. and yet its the only thing that can be done at this point.

when you think about it, there is really no more risk of losing this child than there was on sunday afternoon. from what i've read, up to 40 percent of women will have a miscarriage before 12 weeks; the number significantly drops once the first trimester is over. i have just as much (or just as little, depending on how you look at it) to worry about as i did before i knew there could be something wrong.

and honestly, we have no definitive information that there is in fact anything wrong. but the seed has been planted and it's all i can think about.

i go to another ob/gyn on tuesday; these doctors specialize in high-risk pregnancies. i'm not 100 percent sure of the procedure, but i do know that i'll be undergoing a more detailed ultrasound. i think it's called a nuchal transparency scan. the depth of the nuchal area (the neck area) of the baby will be measured with ultrasound and calipers. i have to tell you, i'm terrifed of this appointment. first off, i'm terrifed of not making it to this appointment. and second, i'm terrifed that i will make it, only to find out that something is horribly wrong.

it's one thing, to have a decision made by god - to have no say whatsoever. but it's another thing entirely when the decision is suddenly yours, to continue or to end. and how can i make a decision like that?

there is always the chance that there isn't anything wrong. it's a small chance but i'm putting all my eggs in that basket. i so desparately want them to find nothing, to find a normal baby - i can't even describe how much i want that.

i've tried to talk to the bee about this but our conversations end with him blaming me. he wants to know what i've done to cause this. and i understand that, i truly do, because i also want someone or something to pin this awful feeling on. but it's just not there. and so beyond an awful conversation on monday after leaving the doctor's office, i haven't talked to him for most of this week; i don't have the energy to argue or carry on like he wants to. i just wish he could be more compassionate and concerned for me as he is for himself and his wallet.

so i'm here, at job #only, pretending to work and acting like my mind isn't on my child or the relationship that spawned a child. i've been eating well all week, my mom has made sure of that, and sleeping for hours and hours on end. my body is acting like it should - all the aches and pains all the pregnancy books said i should be having, all the symptoms and signs of a normal pregnancy. but my mind is a million miles away.

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