24 February 2007

let's go to walmart! i love tater tots!

i hate wal-mart. i hate what it stands for. but right now, i'd go to wal-mart. reason being, it's highly recommended that i not go to wal-mart. or the supermarket. or the post office. or any-fucking-where. i want to go just because i know i'm not supposed to. that and because i'm one of those assholes with an all wheel drive suv that likes to pretend that i own the road in bad weather.

that's a lie. i act like i own the damn road in all weather; it's not a bad weather specific habit.

most people pride themselves on being defensive drivers - being all prepared for whatever happens out there between the solid yellow lines on the highway. not me, man. i am a 100 percent offensive driver. i'm the driver that everyone else is looking out for. and rightfully so. how does one attain double-digit accident status without being an offensive driver?

the thing is, most of those accidents weren't my fault, at least not directly. okay, so like the one with the gravel road and the fence, and the ones where hippie heater and i would rear end each other on purpose, those were sort of my fault. so was that one where i was texting and driving, i guess. but crazy ass people hitting my car on purpose don't count. and that's like... two or three of my accidents. and the rest, i swear, weren't my fault.

WOW. a transformer just blew down the street. lots of light and big noise. (i'm easily impressed, eh?) it sounded like something just blew up; maybe it was somebody's house. crazy whack funky. ...and i'm back. nope, not a house. all the neighborhood seems to be intact. i was just outside (my first time in more than 24 hours) and all the houses seem to be there, which is too bad. i wanted it to be the house of ruffians across the street. damn it! update: it's fucking cold boys and girls.

holy crizzap. i hate writing about weather, but for the love. this is pathetic. the national weather service has a bulletin titled "***LIFE-THREATENING/CRIPPLING WINTER STORM AFFECTING AREA***." no seriously. it's red and yellow and ugly and sort of scary. my mom has a theory that the national weather service is in cahoots with the supermarkets to sell more milk and toilet paper. i don't know if that's true but it's interesting to think about. 'if you put millions and millions of people into a weather related frenzy and cause them to buy us out of creamed corn, we'll give you a nice lil' kickback...' but my boy jim cantore would never do that.

i've watched the weather channel for like 10 hours straight now, with the exception of that four hours i spent sleeping earlier, and the hour and a half i spent on the phone, and the hour i spent texting, and the half an hour i spent in the shower and the 10 minutes i spent looking for the bologna in the fridge. so now, having done the math, that's only like 2 hours and 50 minutes spent watching the weather channel which makes me seem way less freakish. go me.

what else? the upside of the gran massa having company was that boxes were finally unpacked and things were put away. he even put things on the wall - including my wonderful, beautiful christmas stars. it actually looks and feels like a house, even though it doesn't necessarily look or feel like my house. at least it looks like somebody's house as opposed to someone's storage space.

so. is it weird that i'm oddly attracted to harry potter in these pictures? i dig a dude with a treasure trail. he's only 17 but he's an actor so this is not kiddie porn, okay? in some of them, his head looks a little photoshopped but maybe that's just me. hmm...

maybe that's lightning that keeps doing that. and thunder. holy shiznit. that scares the janel. yikes. am i experiencing thundersnow? thundersleet? mama likey those words. i want to be a meteorologist. maybe just date one. one that wears purple shirts and works at the weather channel...

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