welcome to town. friend count: -5

i've suffered a setback. my ego - etc. - is bruised and i'm not sure how to handle my reaction. ideally, i'd like to murder this motherfucker but the six percent of me that's rational from time to time knows that's not the best solution. but i'm not sure of the right way to handle this. what kind of person does that, really? was he raised by wolves? aliens? gorillas? sloths? assholes? all of the above, none of the above? any harm inflicted by me certainly was not intentional, especially given my state of mind at the time, but i guess that's how some people handle that sort of situation. i still find it to be an asinine reaction to what can honestly be coined an accident. which is why i won't find myself in that particular situation with that particular person again. and honestly, it's not the act that has me so upset, although that's pretty upsetting. what is eating at me is was the fact that there was no one there for me, to defend me, to fight for me. i was alone. and that's the way that it's going to be from now on. that's what i'm having trouble dealing with. but i guess if i had someone to look out for me i probably wouldn't have been in this less-than-desirable locale to begin with, would i?

so today my mind just wandered. i talked on the phone for hours with libbeth, which was wonderful, but i've only retained bits and pieces of the conversation. i probably should have gotten out of town when i had the chance - i have a feeling the drama-meter will be astronomical around here the next few days. and i'm just nausesous about the entire thing. so today i, once i found my car, just drove. for hours. i ended up about 100 miles away, in wisconsin (of all places, really), in gridlock traffic, which i found frustrating and calming all at the same time. and then when i got tired, i just turned around and came home. my mind is still racing and i can't put it to bed. i'm just not sure of what to do here. actually, i'm not sure what i'm doing here. this is a miserable city full of bitter and miserable people. i'm four weeks into this project and i'm already considering making a countdown calendar to the day i can get out.

happy fucking valentine's day, eh?

ugh.

editor's note: i don't generally edit a post once it's published, it sort of defeats the purpose. but i need to clarify that this was not a direct threat of any sort, this was me sorting out my anger. i can't even kill spiders. thank you for reading. and now back to our regularly scheduled programming...