i'm ignoring my business

i didn't want to come back here. that's not to say i didn't want to see my mom or mark or craig or anybody, i just didn't want to come back to this room or any of the bullshit last associated, you know? so when i got to the top of the steps last night and there was that doorway at the end of the hall, i got that anxious feeling again. and i haven't had that for three weeks now and i wasn't particularly excited to have it again. and i knew then that i have to get out of here. not so much out of this house but out of this place. out of this place in my life. i've got to move on. but i unpacked - out of my suitcase and into my laundry hamper! - and got over it. it is what it is, for now. but it won't be for long.

things here are mad crazy messed up and it's not just me. there's reassurance in numbers, but there's nothing reassuring about what's going on here. my grandma's health is failing, my mother is miserable in her job (to the point that it's affecting her health and her sanity) and her job is so awful and unstable, there's no telling what will happen, even on a day to day basis. it's so bad i can hardly stand to listen to it.

it's weird, what we get used to in a short amount of time, you know? like last night, i went to the door of the refrigerator and looked for the water. except there isn't a water dispenser there. but i really had to look before i figured that out. and then when i went to bed, i stood in the center of the bedroom to adjust the ceiling fan. except there was none, but i stood there waving my hands in the air for a couple minutes before i realised that. retard. this morning i woke up wondering if ryan had work to do. and he may have work to do. but my sleeping in really has no impact on that considering i'm 996 miles away. work away, ryan. put plans on the futon. really. however, i was so extremely spoiled by the wireless internet i could just cry. i'm ready to drill a hole in the damn ceiling and run wires, resale value be damned.

oh ugh. i really do have things i should be doing today. and none of them involve playing online or updating my myspace or watching csi: miami (of which there were 17 episodes to watch when i got here last night, woot woot!). i just feel like loafing today. i have a birthday party to go to tonight and some birthday cards to buy today. i should do some laundry. i should make some phone calls. i should be at the storage unit with some big ass garbage bags and some boxes. instead i think i may just chill today. tomorrow and thursday i have to be in the big city (lol) for appointments and things (and to feed the fish) so today will be my designated decompression day and tomorrow i will get busy. tomorrow, and every day after, i will have things to do. but not today. until later, i guess.