26 March 2008

from your piehole...

i'm not sure where to start. i've been absent for a week, trying to collect my thoughts and decide what to put here. and i'm no closer to having everything sorted out than i was a week ago and i can still barely describe it.

you know how it is, when you think you've got everything all worked out in your head, you're finally starting to get a plan (or even a semblance of a plan), things are finally starting to come together and then out of nowhere comes that someone or something that just puts you right back at square one. right back at the very beginning, for whatever reason, and everything you thought you'd worked out suddenly doesn't seem so attractive. that's where i am. or where i was, rather. because everything i thought i wanted in the last few weeks has changed.

last week the bee and i started talking again. i think you all knew that. we talked face to face a couple of days. we spent the weekend together. and we've been pretty much inseparable since.

i know what you're thinking.

and yes. i know what i said.

and i remember what he said. i remember all of it.

but i can't help the way i feel. and i see a lot of positive changes in him - positive changes in him, positive changes in him about himself, positive changes in his attitude about us, positive changes in his attitude about a lot of things. the time we've spent together has been spectacular - we've talked more than we ever have before in the past, and about things that matter. we talked about the things that are important in our relationship and the things we did poorly in the past and the things we wanted to improve upon.

and we talked about the baby. we talked about the baby and we cried. we talked about the bee's poor response, his poor timing, the way he acted toward me and the way he treated me and all the things that we both think he could have done differently. and he apologized. he told me there are no reasons why and no excuses and he wishes he had done things differently because it's all he's thought about since that day.

me too.

he's not perfect. but i'm not perfect either. and i honest to god cannot help the way i feel, no matter how hard i try. and i have tried. i have tried for the last two months, if not longer, to pretend that i don't care. and i was so close to having myself convinced that he didn't matter that his words almost didn't mean anything. i was so close to leaving - to being done and being gone - that he almost didn't catch me. but i listened to him talk and i saw for myself that he is making changes and has made changes, and i knew that if i didn't try - if we didn't try - then i'd always wonder.

and i don't like what ifs. i don't like unfinished business.

i do not regret the things i have done, but those i did not do.

i have to admit, the consensus among family and friends is split just about down the middle. some have unabashedly told me i'm making the mistake of a lifetime, while others agree that i'd always wonder what could have been. no one has come out and said that they'll actually disown me for my decision but it feels like the words aren't far from leaving their mouths. the bee seems to think that talking to disagreeing parties would actually help the situation. i told him that would be opening a whole new can of worms and we should just shelve that idea for the time being. maybe allow some time for digestion, you know? i don't think that would make anything better - part of the problem at hand already is due to his mouth; i don't know that his talking to anyone is going to make it any better.

but anyway. since this last weekend, i've made the decision to move out of mom's house (mostly, anyway. i left a few things down there.) and back into the apartment in johnston. i'm paying my rent this month and looking for jobs in the dsm area because the rent and the car payment and so on and so forth aren't going to pay themselves and no amount of "i dream of jeannie" head bobbing and blinking is going to make that happen. and so i've spent the last few afternoons soaking up the free wifi at some hotspots not far from home looking for work and filling out myspace surveys. it's hard work but someone has to do it.

the apartment is a disaster and i feel like it should be bothering me but it's really not. there are boxes and plastic rubbermaid tubs all over the place - packing commenced before any sort of decision was reached and i can't bring myself to unpack what has already been packed because even though i'm staying my lease is only good through the end of may, which really isn't that far off. so for now, we're living among the boxes and tubs and eating off the same two plates (which for some reason i am compelled to put in the dishwasher only so we can pull them out and wash them by hand at each and every meal). clothes are everywhere because my closet was basically empty before i left for charlotte and i don't have the gumption to put anything away. there are towels all over the place because i've decided i'm a "new-towel-every-day" kind of gal, which is a whole new world for me and actually creates a lot of laundry in our paint-mixer/washing machine.

he's trying to help me with my chubby kids - and let me tell you, chubby kids is a heck of a lot harder when you're with someone than when you're moderately depressed and alone. food tastes better when you're with someone and there seems to be way more opportunity to eat it. but we figured out how many points he can eat in a day and at the end of the day we figure out how many points he's exceeded his daily allotment, it's sort of a game. his dietary needs are obviously a little different than mine, since he has a job and all and he gets some exercise at said job. however, being part of a couple, or at least this couple, does introduce some exercise back into my life, and i'm not talking about that, get your mind out of the damn gutter. he's all about going for walks and runs and dragging my slacker ass along for the ride. never mind that the whole time i'm thinking about what i'm missing on the food network but deep down i know it's good for me and i sort of appreciate the encouragement even though i do dislike the actual activity itself. not that there's anything wrong with it, i just dislike activity on general principle alone because i can and i'm good at it.

but things are different. and good. we're fighting the urge to ease back into old routines and habits, which isn't easy. but we both want things to work and with that goal in mind we're both set on changing things about ourselves, since we can't change things about each other. and it seems to be working. of course, it's only been a week. ask me next week how it's going.

i may need help disposing of a body.

i have a job interview on friday morning. i'm looking forward to that. because while i do enjoy being unemployed, i enjoy even more having a place to live and gas in the car. and being cute doesn't provide me with the dollars for those things, or at least enough dollars.

i'm kidding.

i love panera. i can sit here all afternoon, listen to really bad jazz muzak and enjoy free wifi and good smells. and the employees know exactly what i'm doing. but since i'm not the only one doing it, i don't feel bad at all. plus, you get to hear the funnest things. (is that a word?) today i got to listen to two old ladies determine if the outfit that old lady number one was going to wear to old lady number two's grandson's graduation party was "in style." (it was determined that it was not, that jacket went out of style ages ago, heavens to mergatroid.) i got to listen to this guy get fired for stealing a company truck. (but if he returns the keys, the license plates and all the beach boys cds, they won't prosecute.) and i got to hear an argument between a bf/gf over how much he hates mustard. (she thought he loved it; in fact, he told her mother that he loved mustard on turkey sandwiches and now she wonders what else he's lied to her and her mother about.)

oh my.

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