07 March 2008

i'm leaving on a jet plane...

all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go...

i love john denver. i used to work in a family-owned bridal shop run by two sisters. one sister was a tree-hugging hippie who played nothing but sentimental john denver. the other never really left the drug-heavy disco era and as such played a lot of sly and the family stone and the more risque, if it can be called that, rod stewart. their mother, bless her heart, was bat shit crazy and asked for (and received) a skid loader for her birthday. i have no idea why i'm telling you any of this.

two and a half weeks of staying up until dawn has finally caught up to me. last night, again, i was up until at least 0430, watching the x-files and listening to my ipod. i like the x-files. i really like david duchovny. but watching the x-files and listening to my ipod and imagining the dialogue on television is an entirely different experience altogether. because i can make scully as whiny as i think she should be in my mind. and instead of scaring the holy crizzap out of me, like they usually do, it was absolutely hilarious.

anyway. i was telling you that finally, this weird ass schedule is catching up with me. because i only got a few hours sleep last night and i can feel it today. generally, i don't fall asleep watching television, but because ryan had a major project due today, he was working all night and therefore i was kicked out of the office and off the futon and onto the sofa. once i finally stopped giggling at stupid scully and her dumbass pantsuits and fell asleep, i fell asleep hard. so hard i was flopping around and flopped my ass right off the sofa and onto the floor, a two thumper even. ryan thought it might have been one of the kids so he came out to see what was going on, but he said he could tell it was me by the way i was sitting up, mumbling with my eyes wide open. he tried to talk to me but i never responded. he's lucky. i say some weird ass stuff in my sleep. some day, i'll ask libbeth to guest post about the intricacies of the janel. you will laugh your ass off.

another pro: you can buy schweppes ginger ale down here. that's the good stuff. none of that nasty ass canada dry crap.

so yes. i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i'm all packed. my clothes are laid out and i'm as ready as i can be this evening. i'm experiencing the same sort of anxiety that i did as an eight-year-old prior to the first night of school. because i don't want to leave. part of me wants to stay, because let's face it: i'm on vacation and who ever wants that to end? der. part of me wants to stay because i don't want to leave this little family i've grown to love so much. but i also don't want to leave because i don't want to have to face the reality and bullshit in iowa either. it would be really easy to just let it all go, leave all the responsibility behind and run away. but i can't do that again.

so today i made a list of all the things i have to accomplish upon my return, and i'm sure it's not complete. i know i haven't thought of all of them and i know it will only get longer. i also made a list of things i need to do before i move, some of these are the same thing, some are a little different. because ultimately, i would like to spend 2-3 weeks back in iowa and then come back down here, to interview and stay for a while or for work and to move, however it happens to work out. did you hear that? i've decided i want to move. now, i don't want to live on the futon and i know they don't want me to. but i'd like to come back down and get things in place, whatever that happens to be.

around that time, libbeth should be having or should have already had the baby and i may be able to assist around the house and with the other kids. i will never be able to repay them for the good that they've done me the last 19 days - and i don't even mean opening their home or feeding me, because i probably won't be able to repay them for that either - this trip has been so very therapeutic and good for my soul. i feel so much better, in my head and in my heart, and i know it's because i was able to get away and look at my life from a distance, another perspective.
that said, i would only like to come back as long as i am able to help and i'm not in the way. because a new baby, or a baby soon on the way certainly changes the way a household operates. and another house guest can certainly make things more difficult. so i want she and ryan to discuss that before i knock on their door.

but that is my plan, as of yet, anyway. i'll let you know if it changes. and for now, i'm going to go to bed. or go lie down. it's barely the crack of midnight and i'm going to try to go to sleep. sha, right. but i do have to be up early; my flight leaves at 10am. wtf was i thinking?

ugh. gnite.

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