i'm leaving on a jet plane...

all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go...

i love john denver. i used to work in a family-owned bridal shop run by two sisters. one sister was a tree-hugging hippie who played nothing but sentimental john denver. the other never really left the drug-heavy disco era and as such played a lot of sly and the family stone and the more risque, if it can be called that, rod stewart. their mother, bless her heart, was bat shit crazy and asked for (and received) a skid loader for her birthday. i have no idea why i'm telling you any of this.

two and a half weeks of staying up until dawn has finally caught up to me. last night, again, i was up until at least 0430, watching the x-files and listening to my ipod. i like the x-files. i really like david duchovny. but watching the x-files and listening to my ipod and imagining the dialogue on television is an entirely different experience altogether. because i can make scully as whiny as i think she should be in my mind. and instead of scaring the holy crizzap out of me, like they usually do, it was absolutely hilarious.

anyway. i was telling you that finally, this weird ass schedule is catching up with me. because i only got a few hours sleep last night and i can feel it today. generally, i don't fall asleep watching television, but because ryan had a major project due today, he was working all night and therefore i was kicked out of the office and off the futon and onto the sofa. once i finally stopped giggling at stupid scully and her dumbass pantsuits and fell asleep, i fell asleep hard. so hard i was flopping around and flopped my ass right off the sofa and onto the floor, a two thumper even. ryan thought it might have been one of the kids so he came out to see what was going on, but he said he could tell it was me by the way i was sitting up, mumbling with my eyes wide open. he tried to talk to me but i never responded. he's lucky. i say some weird ass stuff in my sleep. some day, i'll ask libbeth to guest post about the intricacies of the janel. you will laugh your ass off.

another pro: you can buy schweppes ginger ale down here. that's the good stuff. none of that nasty ass canada dry crap.

so yes. i'm leaving tomorrow morning. i'm all packed. my clothes are laid out and i'm as ready as i can be this evening. i'm experiencing the same sort of anxiety that i did as an eight-year-old prior to the first night of school. because i don't want to leave. part of me wants to stay, because let's face it: i'm on vacation and who ever wants that to end? der. part of me wants to stay because i don't want to leave this little family i've grown to love so much. but i also don't want to leave because i don't want to have to face the reality and bullshit in iowa either. it would be really easy to just let it all go, leave all the responsibility behind and run away. but i can't do that again.

so today i made a list of all the things i have to accomplish upon my return, and i'm sure it's not complete. i know i haven't thought of all of them and i know it will only get longer. i also made a list of things i need to do before i move, some of these are the same thing, some are a little different. because ultimately, i would like to spend 2-3 weeks back in iowa and then come back down here, to interview and stay for a while or for work and to move, however it happens to work out. did you hear that? i've decided i want to move. now, i don't want to live on the futon and i know they don't want me to. but i'd like to come back down and get things in place, whatever that happens to be.

around that time, libbeth should be having or should have already had the baby and i may be able to assist around the house and with the other kids. i will never be able to repay them for the good that they've done me the last 19 days - and i don't even mean opening their home or feeding me, because i probably won't be able to repay them for that either - this trip has been so very therapeutic and good for my soul. i feel so much better, in my head and in my heart, and i know it's because i was able to get away and look at my life from a distance, another perspective.
that said, i would only like to come back as long as i am able to help and i'm not in the way. because a new baby, or a baby soon on the way certainly changes the way a household operates. and another house guest can certainly make things more difficult. so i want she and ryan to discuss that before i knock on their door.

but that is my plan, as of yet, anyway. i'll let you know if it changes. and for now, i'm going to go to bed. or go lie down. it's barely the crack of midnight and i'm going to try to go to sleep. sha, right. but i do have to be up early; my flight leaves at 10am. wtf was i thinking?

ugh. gnite.

i have no idea what to do

Is the cup half empty?
Or is the cup half full?
Does the sun rise at dawn?
Or does the earth just spin along?
Or is it all perspective?
On how we see the world?
How many countless life forms
Are on a little ball that twirls?

Are we intrinsically separate beings?
Or could we possibly be parts of the same thing?
Water feeds the plants and
The sunshine make them grow
So how can anyone be an island on their own?

Does life life make me happy?
Or does it bring me down?
Do I have what I need?
Or do I just want what's around?
Am am I I seeing truth?
Or do I just see wool?
Well is the cup cup half half empty?
Or is the cup half full?

--20 Questions, Beastie Boys

and we're one of the smartest states in the nation...

the efficiency of the state of iowa floors me.

i'm fully aware i'm losing my license in 17 days. yup, it's going to happen whether i like it or not. they sent me the official letter. however, in today's mail i got another letter from the iowa department of transportation. this letter stipulates that if i don't pay the remainder of a fine from dbq county rendered earlier this year, i will in fact lose my license on 13aug.

that is, in fact, two whole weeks AFTER i'm already supposed to surrender my license the first time for being a habitual offender.

how can i give the damn thing up twice? wtf? even my moms, who is not pleased with the situation, said that they can only take it away once.

it makes me giggle.

enough is enough.

so i've reached the point where salvaging my image is more important than the way i feel. i'm done trying to reach you. it's your turn to try and reach me.

but just to spite you, i might just start cheering for the indians.

apparently i heart glitter.

last night i dreamt that the gran massa's family was coming to visit the house. i was trying to clean and make things presentable but i had company of my own at the same time: markus, schmalex, jorge and his girlfriend and my momma were all here. and i was feeding them sandwiches and making them watch movies so i could clean.

the kitchen was filthy - the counters were covered with knives, most of them dirty but the dishwasher was full of clean dishes and the drawer was already full. i kept making piles of dirty knives. there were tools all over the counter as well, screwdrivers and a hammer because someone was putting new outlet covers on all the outlets.

all the bottles of alcohol in the cabinet were strewn about and there was an empty bottle of kahlua sitting next to the sink and i couldn't figure out who had drank it. i picked up this little baggie that was torn open on one side and gold glitter just poured out and all over the already messy kitchen. but i wasn't mad - it was so pretty i was just enthralled with how it looked i just stood and stared and watched it fall.

and then i woke up. anyone care to tell me what THAT means? i don't even know where to start.

side note - this is my 400th post! woot!

talk less, say more.

dear readers,
i have a problem. i need some advice.

i've been posing this conversation in my mind for the last few days. not quite sure how to broach the subject, don't even know if the other party is willing. but i've got to get it out or it's going to explode out, like vocal vomit.

and that won't be pretty.

so, since my options for communication are somewhat limited, i have to have this conversation via the telly. and i hate the telly. i really do. i don't know when this change occurred, but i'd much rather have this conversation in person. even over im or email.

when did my life become so personal? or impersonal?

but that's a topic for another day...

so here's the way it's playing out in my head. are you interested? you don't have to be. nothing like reading someone else's internal conversations. good lord, that makes me sound a bit psychotic or melodramatic or something, doesn't it?

hmmm....

version 1.0
"hello, crackhead. do you remember me? yup, me. i'm the one that named your voicemail and talked to you all hours of the night about all sorts of crazy things. i'm the one that you said you wanted to see, to meet - so on and so forth. it's been awhile since i've heard from you. at this point, i'm kind of hoping you've fallen in a river or gotten struck by lightening. i'd almost feel sorry for you if that were the case, almost. it would be easier to feel sorry for you if i'd received some sort of communication, letting me know that you were barely alive, hanging on by a thread, a shard of life still coursing through your veins - a message, a telegraph, whatever. but nope. not a word. but anyway. thanks for getting me all that vacation time in may. i'm going to fill it up with people that are interested in seeing me. have a great day, life, eternity. love, the superjanel"

i don't think that will produce anything positive, though. and i'm not really looking to be mean. let's try again...

version 2.0
"hello, it's the superjanel. i haven't heard from you in six days and 12 hours - is everything okay? are you alright? i've been worried. you should call, write, fax, visit. i'd still like to see you, or at least hear from you. you can call whenever, where ever - i'll always answer. i miss you. okay. call later if you want. or not. i'll prolly call you back later anyway. okay. i'm going now. love, the superjanel"

i think i hear a tinge of desperation in that one. let's try again. third time is the charm, right?

version 3.0
"hi, it's superjanel. i'm not sure what's going on here but i haven't heard from you in a while. i don't know whether to be concerned or what i'm doing with all this vacation time i have coming up. i guess it would be nice to hear from you either way. hope you're doing well and maybe i'll talk to you later? we can discuss what a bitch barry bonds is, if you'd like. no pressure. love, the superjanel"

that may be the best one yet. version 3.0 is scheduled for release this afternoon, i do believe.

thanks for all your support, readers.
love,
superjanel