its amazing how attached a person can become in such a short amount of time, especially someone who felt so much doubt and fear. i know this baby and i love this baby but i'm not going to get to have this baby. i won't get to see it or hold it or watch it grow up. i won't get to touch it or feed it or feel any of the happiness that goes along with having a child. because i'm not having this baby. i don't get to have my baby.
my baby is sick. its not right. there are defects that will not allow baby to live once he or she is born. there is a one in a million chance that he could survive birth, but life would not be worth living. and how can i continue, knowing that fact?
the decision, unfortunately, has to be made and i have to be the one to make it. calling it a decision doesn't seem right because there is only really one choice. and it's an awful choice - it feels completely wrong and inhumane and sick. i feel like i've had the ability to choose taken away from me. and the funny thing is, i was all for "the choice" before this happened. and now, i can't stand the idea of it.
but it's the right thing to do. for my baby and for me, it's the right thing to do. i can't bring him into this world, knowing that he's not going to survive; knowing that a life would be unliveable. and i can't continue to carry this child - every day, i love it more. i grow closer to it. and somehow it seems easier to give him back to god now - now, while i don't know what he looks like or sounds like or wants to be when he grows up. now, while i haven't seen him and i don't know if he likes green beans or carrots better and i don't know if he plays with cars or g.i. joes or loves books and kitties like i do, or loves to be outside and with his friends like his father does. i don't know if he has curly hair and green eyes or straight hair and brown eyes and somehow, not knowing these things makes my heart hurt a little bit less.
but not enough to take it away. i don't know if anything will ever take it away. is it wrong to remember and to wonder?
so next week, i have appointments for procedures i don't want to have but are necessary. i don't know that it will hurt my body as much as my soul.
i'm going to be okay; i know that. it will take time but eventually i'll be okay. i don't know what lies ahead - i don't know what will happen with the bee or a job or anything. but i know that this will not be the end of me. it just feels like it right now.
31 January 2008
29 January 2008
today's the day
baby and i have survived the last week and today is the day we get more information. i have to tell you, i'm scared out of my mind. i can't thank you all enough for the positive thoughts and prayers - just knowing that there are others out there that have been through this is somewhat comforting. wish us luck.
25 January 2008
make me a bird, so i can fly far...
it's been a while. it's not that i haven't wanted to write, i just don't know what to say. it's been a rough week.
i've been at my parents all week. it started out as a reprieve from the bee and the drama that was going on at my apartment. last weekend i just needed a place to go to get away. it's turned out to be more than that.
last monday i woke at 5 am, bleeding and cramping. a trip to the doctor resulted in an ultrasound that showed baby moving around with a strong heartbeat, but a diagnosis that read otherwise. the ultrasound showed fluid at the base of baby's neck; a sign of things more serious and often deadly. the doctor advised that a miscarriage was a definite possibility, although the timing of such an event was unknown. he said that often, fluid in such a spot on a baby means that there is something chromosonally wrong, which can result in a miscarriage or can result in a birth defect. and then we were sent home.
i cried all day monday. i cried until i felt like there were no more tears and then i cried more. i've never felt so robbed in my entire life. i've been told that there is nothing i can do, or could have done, to prevent whatever may be wrong - that it's not my fault and i shouldn't feel guilty. but i have to tell you - at that moment, at that very second that those words leave a doctor's mouth - you second guess every decision you've made in the last nine and a half weeks. maybe it was the orange soda or the tylenol or the antidepressant or the tums or the chocolate cereal or the never-ending-stream of pizza. because it doesn't seem humanly possible that this, this malformation or death or whatever it turns out to be, could be caused by nothing at all. i spent all day monday (and tuesday and wednesday and just about every waking moment since then) searching for a reason, something i could blame, someone i could blame. but there isn't anything. i haven't done anything wrong.
there was some very light spotting on tuesday. but that was the last day, nothing since. i've been nervous to exert myself in anyway, nervous to fall asleep, nervous to take any sort of medicine. every time i go to the bathroom, i'm convinced that will be *the time*. i think that every pain in my back is *the pain*. the waiting is pure agony; and what if there is nothing to wait for? what if nothing happens? i'm expected to prepare for the worst and yet carry on with my life as if i'm expecting the best. it's an asinine request, it just seems barbaric. and yet its the only thing that can be done at this point.
when you think about it, there is really no more risk of losing this child than there was on sunday afternoon. from what i've read, up to 40 percent of women will have a miscarriage before 12 weeks; the number significantly drops once the first trimester is over. i have just as much (or just as little, depending on how you look at it) to worry about as i did before i knew there could be something wrong.
and honestly, we have no definitive information that there is in fact anything wrong. but the seed has been planted and it's all i can think about.
i go to another ob/gyn on tuesday; these doctors specialize in high-risk pregnancies. i'm not 100 percent sure of the procedure, but i do know that i'll be undergoing a more detailed ultrasound. i think it's called a nuchal transparency scan. the depth of the nuchal area (the neck area) of the baby will be measured with ultrasound and calipers. i have to tell you, i'm terrifed of this appointment. first off, i'm terrifed of not making it to this appointment. and second, i'm terrifed that i will make it, only to find out that something is horribly wrong.
it's one thing, to have a decision made by god - to have no say whatsoever. but it's another thing entirely when the decision is suddenly yours, to continue or to end. and how can i make a decision like that?
there is always the chance that there isn't anything wrong. it's a small chance but i'm putting all my eggs in that basket. i so desparately want them to find nothing, to find a normal baby - i can't even describe how much i want that.
i've tried to talk to the bee about this but our conversations end with him blaming me. he wants to know what i've done to cause this. and i understand that, i truly do, because i also want someone or something to pin this awful feeling on. but it's just not there. and so beyond an awful conversation on monday after leaving the doctor's office, i haven't talked to him for most of this week; i don't have the energy to argue or carry on like he wants to. i just wish he could be more compassionate and concerned for me as he is for himself and his wallet.
so i'm here, at job #only, pretending to work and acting like my mind isn't on my child or the relationship that spawned a child. i've been eating well all week, my mom has made sure of that, and sleeping for hours and hours on end. my body is acting like it should - all the aches and pains all the pregnancy books said i should be having, all the symptoms and signs of a normal pregnancy. but my mind is a million miles away.
i've been at my parents all week. it started out as a reprieve from the bee and the drama that was going on at my apartment. last weekend i just needed a place to go to get away. it's turned out to be more than that.
last monday i woke at 5 am, bleeding and cramping. a trip to the doctor resulted in an ultrasound that showed baby moving around with a strong heartbeat, but a diagnosis that read otherwise. the ultrasound showed fluid at the base of baby's neck; a sign of things more serious and often deadly. the doctor advised that a miscarriage was a definite possibility, although the timing of such an event was unknown. he said that often, fluid in such a spot on a baby means that there is something chromosonally wrong, which can result in a miscarriage or can result in a birth defect. and then we were sent home.
i cried all day monday. i cried until i felt like there were no more tears and then i cried more. i've never felt so robbed in my entire life. i've been told that there is nothing i can do, or could have done, to prevent whatever may be wrong - that it's not my fault and i shouldn't feel guilty. but i have to tell you - at that moment, at that very second that those words leave a doctor's mouth - you second guess every decision you've made in the last nine and a half weeks. maybe it was the orange soda or the tylenol or the antidepressant or the tums or the chocolate cereal or the never-ending-stream of pizza. because it doesn't seem humanly possible that this, this malformation or death or whatever it turns out to be, could be caused by nothing at all. i spent all day monday (and tuesday and wednesday and just about every waking moment since then) searching for a reason, something i could blame, someone i could blame. but there isn't anything. i haven't done anything wrong.
there was some very light spotting on tuesday. but that was the last day, nothing since. i've been nervous to exert myself in anyway, nervous to fall asleep, nervous to take any sort of medicine. every time i go to the bathroom, i'm convinced that will be *the time*. i think that every pain in my back is *the pain*. the waiting is pure agony; and what if there is nothing to wait for? what if nothing happens? i'm expected to prepare for the worst and yet carry on with my life as if i'm expecting the best. it's an asinine request, it just seems barbaric. and yet its the only thing that can be done at this point.
when you think about it, there is really no more risk of losing this child than there was on sunday afternoon. from what i've read, up to 40 percent of women will have a miscarriage before 12 weeks; the number significantly drops once the first trimester is over. i have just as much (or just as little, depending on how you look at it) to worry about as i did before i knew there could be something wrong.
and honestly, we have no definitive information that there is in fact anything wrong. but the seed has been planted and it's all i can think about.
i go to another ob/gyn on tuesday; these doctors specialize in high-risk pregnancies. i'm not 100 percent sure of the procedure, but i do know that i'll be undergoing a more detailed ultrasound. i think it's called a nuchal transparency scan. the depth of the nuchal area (the neck area) of the baby will be measured with ultrasound and calipers. i have to tell you, i'm terrifed of this appointment. first off, i'm terrifed of not making it to this appointment. and second, i'm terrifed that i will make it, only to find out that something is horribly wrong.
it's one thing, to have a decision made by god - to have no say whatsoever. but it's another thing entirely when the decision is suddenly yours, to continue or to end. and how can i make a decision like that?
there is always the chance that there isn't anything wrong. it's a small chance but i'm putting all my eggs in that basket. i so desparately want them to find nothing, to find a normal baby - i can't even describe how much i want that.
i've tried to talk to the bee about this but our conversations end with him blaming me. he wants to know what i've done to cause this. and i understand that, i truly do, because i also want someone or something to pin this awful feeling on. but it's just not there. and so beyond an awful conversation on monday after leaving the doctor's office, i haven't talked to him for most of this week; i don't have the energy to argue or carry on like he wants to. i just wish he could be more compassionate and concerned for me as he is for himself and his wallet.
so i'm here, at job #only, pretending to work and acting like my mind isn't on my child or the relationship that spawned a child. i've been eating well all week, my mom has made sure of that, and sleeping for hours and hours on end. my body is acting like it should - all the aches and pains all the pregnancy books said i should be having, all the symptoms and signs of a normal pregnancy. but my mind is a million miles away.
19 January 2008
it's just you and me, kid
i asked the bee to leave. he didn't go quietly or quickly - in fact he was apparently quite surprised by the request. he said awful things, terrible things, about me and the baby both. i hope they were said in anger; i'd hate to think that he really meant them.
i only have a few days left in my apartment. i'm not going to be able to live here anymore. it's not a surprise, it's something i had to come to terms with before i could ask him to leave. i'm back to driving to and from the big city, something that hopefully i'll be doing on a regular basis before long; something that doesn't last forever.
i didn't cry, i don't feel like crying. i'm just sort of numb. unfortunately, it's not going to get easier in the near future. but it has to get better.
i'm going to fill the fishtank and take off for the parentals. even though it was my idea, i just don't feel like being alone tonight.
i only have a few days left in my apartment. i'm not going to be able to live here anymore. it's not a surprise, it's something i had to come to terms with before i could ask him to leave. i'm back to driving to and from the big city, something that hopefully i'll be doing on a regular basis before long; something that doesn't last forever.
i didn't cry, i don't feel like crying. i'm just sort of numb. unfortunately, it's not going to get easier in the near future. but it has to get better.
i'm going to fill the fishtank and take off for the parentals. even though it was my idea, i just don't feel like being alone tonight.
aftermath
oh, weekend nights. got to love 'em. we scrape by all week - managing, tolerating - and then when the weekend arrives it's a veritable free-for-all cage match, a battle royale, full-fledged wwf style (and i don't mean world wildlife fund).
sometimes i can tell when a battle is brewing. sometimes there is just something in the air, as early as wednesday or thursday, where i can just tell that the weekend is going to be a bust and i might as well pack up and head for the parentals. sometimes it drops on me on a friday afternoon, in spite of the fact that i think maybe - just maybe - this will be the weekend that is different.
yesterday was that kind of friday. we'd tussled a bit on thursday night, nothing out of the ordinary, and then yesterday afternoon it started. he's going out with his friends. seriously, i don't care. i really don't. but i care when he calls and texts me all night long and tells me how much more important they are than i am; how their opinions matter more to him than mine; and how i'll never matter as much as they do. sometimes i get to hear how much he doesn't need or want me. sometimes he tells me he's leaving. and sometimes it's just so incoherent that i can't make out what he's telling me.
some of this belligerence comes from drinking. because the bee is a motherfucker when he drinks. and drinking is all he and his friends do. but drinking gives him the courage to say things to me that he's not otherwise able to say and sometimes i wonder how much of his tirades are true.
last night was different in that i didn't hear from him from after his call around 3 o' clock in the afternoon. all evening long, my phone (as far as he was concerned) was quiet. he came home from a "few beers" around 1 a.m. and proceeded to scream at me for about 15 minutes. about how mad he is at me, about how he's treated like shit and all he does is give and try, about how we don't have sex like we used to - on and on and on... at one point, in all his flailing and pointing, i seriously thought he might hit me. not long after that, he stopped talking, slammed the bedroom door and passed out on the sofa.
i couldn't sleep after that. i was pretty much awake all night, which means today is going to be a great day. i don't know if i want to go home tonight, but i don't have a lot of options. i didn't pack a bag this morning.
i don't know what to do.
sometimes i can tell when a battle is brewing. sometimes there is just something in the air, as early as wednesday or thursday, where i can just tell that the weekend is going to be a bust and i might as well pack up and head for the parentals. sometimes it drops on me on a friday afternoon, in spite of the fact that i think maybe - just maybe - this will be the weekend that is different.
yesterday was that kind of friday. we'd tussled a bit on thursday night, nothing out of the ordinary, and then yesterday afternoon it started. he's going out with his friends. seriously, i don't care. i really don't. but i care when he calls and texts me all night long and tells me how much more important they are than i am; how their opinions matter more to him than mine; and how i'll never matter as much as they do. sometimes i get to hear how much he doesn't need or want me. sometimes he tells me he's leaving. and sometimes it's just so incoherent that i can't make out what he's telling me.
some of this belligerence comes from drinking. because the bee is a motherfucker when he drinks. and drinking is all he and his friends do. but drinking gives him the courage to say things to me that he's not otherwise able to say and sometimes i wonder how much of his tirades are true.
last night was different in that i didn't hear from him from after his call around 3 o' clock in the afternoon. all evening long, my phone (as far as he was concerned) was quiet. he came home from a "few beers" around 1 a.m. and proceeded to scream at me for about 15 minutes. about how mad he is at me, about how he's treated like shit and all he does is give and try, about how we don't have sex like we used to - on and on and on... at one point, in all his flailing and pointing, i seriously thought he might hit me. not long after that, he stopped talking, slammed the bedroom door and passed out on the sofa.
i couldn't sleep after that. i was pretty much awake all night, which means today is going to be a great day. i don't know if i want to go home tonight, but i don't have a lot of options. i didn't pack a bag this morning.
i don't know what to do.
17 January 2008
peas in debt or idiots in a pod, you pick.
oh, another night out on the town. whoop-de-freaking-doo... the bee gets his paycheck on thursday and its the night of the week that he's the nicest because he wants to go out and spend money. he likes to buy dinner and crap that we don't need; i had to stop him from buying a 40$ baseball cap by asking for money for the cell phone bill or the electric bill.
we are two fiscal idiots in a pod, or something like that.
but on monday his whole outlook changes. he's scraping the barrel again and anything having to do with money is a dire situation. i'm not one to offer advice, especially about money, because i am financially retarded (and i have sources to verify that statement), but even i can recognize that he's a money idiot. in this day and age, who the hell cashes their entire paycheck? who walks around with that much cash? it's dumb. it's unsafe and it's dumb.
but anyway. i've been told my mood is for shit this evening, so i'm hiding out (again) in the bedroom, with my tums and my water and my oyster crackers. so exciting is my life...
i joined the library here in town. i love libraries. i love the smell of books and paper and all of it. i'm kind of strange that way. i like office supply stores for the way they smell. i love new calendars but i dread writing my name or my first event in them out of the fear that i'll misspell something and it will forever (or at least for that year) be marred. but i joined the library and got some books and all i want to do is read. so that's what i'm going to go do.
we are two fiscal idiots in a pod, or something like that.
but on monday his whole outlook changes. he's scraping the barrel again and anything having to do with money is a dire situation. i'm not one to offer advice, especially about money, because i am financially retarded (and i have sources to verify that statement), but even i can recognize that he's a money idiot. in this day and age, who the hell cashes their entire paycheck? who walks around with that much cash? it's dumb. it's unsafe and it's dumb.
but anyway. i've been told my mood is for shit this evening, so i'm hiding out (again) in the bedroom, with my tums and my water and my oyster crackers. so exciting is my life...
i joined the library here in town. i love libraries. i love the smell of books and paper and all of it. i'm kind of strange that way. i like office supply stores for the way they smell. i love new calendars but i dread writing my name or my first event in them out of the fear that i'll misspell something and it will forever (or at least for that year) be marred. but i joined the library and got some books and all i want to do is read. so that's what i'm going to go do.
16 January 2008
i like to move it, move it...
the fine print: this is NOT the baby. this is the cute mouse lemur from the movie madagascar. keep reading. it all makes sense in just few paragraphs. i cried during the ultrasound. it was amazing, to see that tiny little living being moving on that screen. it just seemed unreal. it's so hard to believe that something so amazing happens inside your body and then to see it on the monitor, it's just overwhelming. or at least it was for me. the bee didn't say a word, he just held my hand the entire time and when the baby would move, he would squeeze my fingers. i don't know if he felt the same way that i did but i could tell that the entire process impressed him.
i cried after the appointment too. any worries that i had, any fears that i carried - they felt compounded tenfold. the reality that came with seeing that tiny little baby for the first time just sort of hit me in the parking garage outside the hospital. it was crazy: they were tears of happiness and joy and fear and absolute terror and i was just shaking. i sat in the car and just cried. and then i got a little nauseous because the floor of the parking garage moved when a car would drive by so we had to leave. and then i was okay.
remember that adorable little mouse lemur in the movie madagascar? "i like them, i like them! i liked them first! before i even met them i liked them! as soon as i met them i liked them right away! you hate them compared to how much i like them!" (he was the most adorable part of that whole movie; if you can't remember that part then go watch it again.) anyway. that's sort of how i feel about this little baby. i'm crazy about it and i've never even met it.
the good doc gave me medicine. i'm working my way up to a full dosage so it will be awhile until i know how well it works but i feel better knowing that good days are ahead. and so does the bee. i still don't know if we'll be okay, but we're trying. and that has to be worth something.
15 January 2008
everybody at once: awww!
here it is... isn't that the cutest thing you ever did see? appointment went well, only one baby and all is good. :D
i'd have shaved my legs if i'd known ankle was for dinner.
have you ever stuck your foot so far in your mouth it just won't come out? i'm serious here - i'm talking ankles past the tonsils, squarely lodged with no hope of coming out anytime soon? yeah, that's me, currently. i overreacted to a series of events yesterday and it's left me with my mouth full of kneecap. you'd think i'd know better by now.
so how do you apologize for being so volatile? how do you apologize for being off your rocker? i said things that were not necessary, things that were mean and spiteful and i said them for no other reason than to be mean and spiteful. i routinely act that way around some people but in reaction to this person, it was completely unwarranted.
and i'm sorry.
i ended up coming home last night - home to my apartment. i found the place a shambles; the bee has systematically dismantled each and every room in the process of gathering his belongings and preparing to leave. even in the midst of our nasty and ongoing (text message) conversation, i was still shocked. i felt like i'd been kicked in the stomach. i honestly didn't think that it had come to that point and i guess that makes me stupid and naive because deep down i thought that there was still a chance.
just about everything was already packed, so i really had nothing to lose by being honest. and i was. i told him it was time to grow up or break up - because it's not benefiting anyone to live in personal turmoil. we've taken the steps to be a couple and to have a serious relationship and live together - we've created a child together, for crying out loud - it's hard to take a step backwards and maintain similar feelings at this point. i don't want a relationship in limbo; i don't want to have to question each and everyday the seriousness of what's going on around me.
his main argument has to do with my doctor's appointment today and the fact that i'm going alone. he felt that he should be able to attend and i honestly feel otherwise. i feel that if he can't stick around through the bad as well as the good, then he shouldn't get to share in the happiness and hope that i've pinned on this appointment. i've put a lot of eggs in this basket, so to speak - i'm hoping that the definitveness delivered by the doctor this afternoon will quell alot of my fears and make the entire situation finally feel real. i'm hoping for some personal relief by way of a new antidepressant that will help me, mentally and physically, work with the people around me. and i'm hoping that clear answers and concise information changes my attitude. because i've been hopelessly negative for the last few weeks.
these are things that i'm looking forward to - and i feel that if he can't share in the really hard times with me, then its not fair that he gets to share in the times that bring me joy. if he so desires, he can share in my happiness every other weekend and every other holiday. and that's what it boils down to. grow up or break up. we haven't left ourselves a lot of room for in between. he's either in or he's out - what's it going to be?
i know i've been unbearable this last month. i'm making a conscious effort to change as much of that as i can. he hasn't exactly been a peach; he said he's going to work on that as well. i need him to stop making me feel so inadequate and boring - he'll work on that as much as he can, he says he doesn't realize that he even does that. he needs me to stop griping; that's a fair request.
there are still bags in the middle of the living room floor and to say that i'm displeased with the current condition of our living space is the understatement of the hour. but if it's meant to be, it will be and all the confusion will be sorted out.
for the time being anyway, it seems that he's in.
so, relative calm and quiet for my first evening back home. you might ask what i'm doing awake at this ungodly hour, at least it's ungodly for me. the real question is why have i been awake since about 230 this morning? and it's lying right next to me, in all it's apnea-ish and wheezing glory: the bee's snoring keeps me awake.
it's no wonder i'm such a high-strung and zinged out bitch all day long and its really no wonder that i want to go to bed at 5 p.m. in the evening - he has the worst snoring problem i've ever heard and the worst attitude about doing anything to fix it. short of duct tape (for him) and ear plugs (for me), i wonder what i'm going to have to do to get a good night's sleep. because if it's not the text messages, it's the dreams. and if it's not the dreams, then it's the snoring. it doesn't matter where i am, he won't let me sleep!
i don't know what to do. his alarm starts going off in about 12 minutes. once he leaves the house, i should be able to rest for a while. i hope...
14 January 2008
no more sleepy sleepy!
no middle-of-the-night text messages last night; i was finally able to get some sleep. but my dreams were just as bad, if not worse, than the text messages lately - i can't win! all i want is some uninterrupted, (bad) dream-free sleep!
i dreamt that the bee had already found someone new and that he brought her to our apartment. for what i don't know. i know their plans included watching tv and making some weird-ass casserole that included rice and stir-fry beef. wtf? but she was just as condescending and negative as he can be; they seemed perfect for each other, only exception being I WAS STILL THERE. and of course, as any janel bad dream, it included spiders and grasshoppers and all sorts of gross creepy-crawlies. the whole thing just gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.
so in all my emotional haze, i've forgotten to mention one very important happening in my life in the last week. ANDY FALES CAME BACK FROM KC! woohoo! take that eddy! my all-time favorite sportscaster in the whole wide world - i knew he'd be back, i just knew it. and now i can't wait to watch the news, i gotta have my andy fales. yay! i was hoping he'd drag back gary amble, my all-time favorite meteorologist from kansas city too - he defected to kc years and years ago. but to no avail. but that's okay. i've survived with ed wilson this long, life will go on, i'm sure... :)
in the last week or so, i've noticed that my clothes aren't starting to fit. WTF? i'm not 26 weeks along, i'm not third-trimester, i'm only eight weeks into this! I'M ONLY ONE-FIFTH THROUGH THIS AND ALREADY MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT! OMG! i'm going to be as big as a house, i can see it now. i'm going to have to trade in my car for a semi with a driver. we're going to have to move to a place with 15-foot ceilings, just to accomodate my stomach. and i'm going to have to resort to wearing muu-muus and tarps because my belly is already not fitting into my own shirts! OMF(reaking, mom, freaking)G! so my brother, who is like half a foot taller than i am, brought me t-shirts yesterday. which is incredibly sweet and nice and they're all seven feet in length and they go to my knees, but i'm not complaining. it's just nice not to look like yard dog anymore.
oh, i talked to libbeth yesterday. i miss her and her family. have i mentioned that she is also pregnant? she's due april 19, so she's what 24? 26 weeks along? i can't remember what she said and i can't wrap my head around the math this morning. she's doing pretty well, but this is her fourth baby and she says it definitely feels like the fourth baby. i can't even imagine. i don't know how she does it, but she's got a great husband (even if he won't help her take down the christmas tree until 26jan...) and they seem to have a rhythm to the whole family dynamic. she can sympathize with my night sickness and my (temporary?) craziness. it's just good to hear from her, the things she says just make sense. it's kind of like talking to my mom, except with a southern accent, lol...
have i told you that i don't have morning sickness? woohoo! nope, instead i get crazy awful terrible nausea at night and i can't throw up. i keep thinkin that if i did throw up, i'd get some sort of relief but then i think about it and throwing up is all around pretty sucky too. so i keep some ginger ale in the fridge and some oyster crackers in the bedroom, or some pre-wrapped saltines from the whippy dip next to the bed, depending on where i am. and i take the pre-natal vitamin with really, really, really cold water and i hope for the best.
ahhh, daylight. the sun rises, the day begins and so do the text messages. this boy is so predictable - is that a good thing or a bad thing? and do we work it out or do we call it quits? do i take him to the doctor with me tomorrow or do i go alone? why isn't my crystal ball working?
i don't know. but i have to go eat some breakfast (or some something) and take a shower and get ready for the day. i'll keep you posted...
i dreamt that the bee had already found someone new and that he brought her to our apartment. for what i don't know. i know their plans included watching tv and making some weird-ass casserole that included rice and stir-fry beef. wtf? but she was just as condescending and negative as he can be; they seemed perfect for each other, only exception being I WAS STILL THERE. and of course, as any janel bad dream, it included spiders and grasshoppers and all sorts of gross creepy-crawlies. the whole thing just gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.
so in all my emotional haze, i've forgotten to mention one very important happening in my life in the last week. ANDY FALES CAME BACK FROM KC! woohoo! take that eddy! my all-time favorite sportscaster in the whole wide world - i knew he'd be back, i just knew it. and now i can't wait to watch the news, i gotta have my andy fales. yay! i was hoping he'd drag back gary amble, my all-time favorite meteorologist from kansas city too - he defected to kc years and years ago. but to no avail. but that's okay. i've survived with ed wilson this long, life will go on, i'm sure... :)
in the last week or so, i've noticed that my clothes aren't starting to fit. WTF? i'm not 26 weeks along, i'm not third-trimester, i'm only eight weeks into this! I'M ONLY ONE-FIFTH THROUGH THIS AND ALREADY MY CLOTHES DON'T FIT! OMG! i'm going to be as big as a house, i can see it now. i'm going to have to trade in my car for a semi with a driver. we're going to have to move to a place with 15-foot ceilings, just to accomodate my stomach. and i'm going to have to resort to wearing muu-muus and tarps because my belly is already not fitting into my own shirts! OMF(reaking, mom, freaking)G! so my brother, who is like half a foot taller than i am, brought me t-shirts yesterday. which is incredibly sweet and nice and they're all seven feet in length and they go to my knees, but i'm not complaining. it's just nice not to look like yard dog anymore.
oh, i talked to libbeth yesterday. i miss her and her family. have i mentioned that she is also pregnant? she's due april 19, so she's what 24? 26 weeks along? i can't remember what she said and i can't wrap my head around the math this morning. she's doing pretty well, but this is her fourth baby and she says it definitely feels like the fourth baby. i can't even imagine. i don't know how she does it, but she's got a great husband (even if he won't help her take down the christmas tree until 26jan...) and they seem to have a rhythm to the whole family dynamic. she can sympathize with my night sickness and my (temporary?) craziness. it's just good to hear from her, the things she says just make sense. it's kind of like talking to my mom, except with a southern accent, lol...
have i told you that i don't have morning sickness? woohoo! nope, instead i get crazy awful terrible nausea at night and i can't throw up. i keep thinkin that if i did throw up, i'd get some sort of relief but then i think about it and throwing up is all around pretty sucky too. so i keep some ginger ale in the fridge and some oyster crackers in the bedroom, or some pre-wrapped saltines from the whippy dip next to the bed, depending on where i am. and i take the pre-natal vitamin with really, really, really cold water and i hope for the best.
ahhh, daylight. the sun rises, the day begins and so do the text messages. this boy is so predictable - is that a good thing or a bad thing? and do we work it out or do we call it quits? do i take him to the doctor with me tomorrow or do i go alone? why isn't my crystal ball working?
i don't know. but i have to go eat some breakfast (or some something) and take a shower and get ready for the day. i'll keep you posted...
13 January 2008
my life is so exciting... when i'm asleep
i've been having the most vivid and bizarre dreams lately. events and people that seem so real that when i wake up i have to convince myself that it really didn't happen. it's so strange. i've always had really wacked out dreams - i can remember some of my dreams from when i was a kid - but these are like seriously 110-percent zinged out. i dreamt i'd gone back to work at the airline, only to get fired when they found out i was pregnant. i dreamt that my friends were really car thieves and i had to go with them or they'd kill my mom's dog (wtf?). i dreamt that an employee of my mom's was kicking me in the stomach (really, wtf?). and then i have silly dreams, with people i don't know personally, like celebrities and things. and strange food dreams, like the one where i was drinking loads and loads of diet soda, fully aware that i'm not supposed to be drinking diet soda because of the aspartame or whatever.
now that i look at those, i guess there is a theme, isn't there? (well, except for the one about my mom's dog...)
the last couple nights, however, i can't seem to get into a dream. reason being that i'm getting nasty and belligerent texts from the bee in the middle of the night. always just after the bar closes, i can tell, because they're generally rambling and mostly incoherent, which if you've ever seen the bee when he leaves the bar at closing time (if they haven't asked him to leave beforehand, which does occasionally happen) you'd know that he's pretty rambling and incoherent. it used to be that at that point he'd get in his truck and drive to where ever he wanted - home, another party, my house. but since his dui he's become the poster child for hitching a ride or walking. sometimes i can't help but feel sorry for him. he was a barfly before we got together, and if we stay apart, well, i guess old habits die hard. drinking yourself into oblivion most nights of the week just sounds like an awful way to live and he's better than that. he deserves better than that. but his defeatist attitude gets in the way of him recognizing that and no one but him knows how he should live his life. just ask him.
it dawned on me last night that there are no pictures anywhere of me and the bee. i wonder what that means. i guess its just less i have to put away when i go home...?
now that i look at those, i guess there is a theme, isn't there? (well, except for the one about my mom's dog...)
the last couple nights, however, i can't seem to get into a dream. reason being that i'm getting nasty and belligerent texts from the bee in the middle of the night. always just after the bar closes, i can tell, because they're generally rambling and mostly incoherent, which if you've ever seen the bee when he leaves the bar at closing time (if they haven't asked him to leave beforehand, which does occasionally happen) you'd know that he's pretty rambling and incoherent. it used to be that at that point he'd get in his truck and drive to where ever he wanted - home, another party, my house. but since his dui he's become the poster child for hitching a ride or walking. sometimes i can't help but feel sorry for him. he was a barfly before we got together, and if we stay apart, well, i guess old habits die hard. drinking yourself into oblivion most nights of the week just sounds like an awful way to live and he's better than that. he deserves better than that. but his defeatist attitude gets in the way of him recognizing that and no one but him knows how he should live his life. just ask him.
it dawned on me last night that there are no pictures anywhere of me and the bee. i wonder what that means. i guess its just less i have to put away when i go home...?
12 January 2008
bad to worse, worse to... what comes after worse?
i've really done it this time. no, really, this is my fault. the bee and i have been at each other's throats all week. i take that back. we had a couple good nights. i made dinner, we talked - they were good nights. and then we had some... well, i can't even explain what went wrong. i've been nothing but an awful, terrible bitch for the last month and i haven't been able to put my finger on the reason. last night was tops, though, really. i completely rivaled meryl streep or shirley maclaine in my ability to go from normal to raging, lunatic bitch in about 4.6 seconds. the bee and i went to dinner with my parents and it just turned into a fiasco. and it didn't have to. on the way over, he was nice. he wanted to talk. and i was awful. and i was awful at dinner and i was awful after dinner. i was so awful that i left him there to find his own way home. and i was so awful that my parents argued about my awfulness most of the night and into today.
and i was so awful that i think i finally got the bee to his breaking point. or the point of breaking up with me. we can't talk on the phone; we can't talk, period. all communication is by text message, which feels so juvenile. but his message was clear: he doesn't need me. and that's all i got. that's all i got last night, and all i got today. in fact, i haven't even heard from him today, which means that he's serious.
of course, i ran away from it. and i ran right back home, to my old room and my old habits. its sad how much we really are creatures of habit. and so this morning, in looking for my daily validation from my mom, i got my eyes opened.
i'm not sure why i'm not happy with him. i'm not sure why he's not good enough for me - why i won't let him be good enough for me. it probably wouldn't matter if he righted every wrong i pointed out to him - i'm sure it wouldn't be enough. i don't know when i became such a heartless person. i was thinking that it was just inevitable - my taking something relatively good and just fucking it up beyond belief. it's what i seem to do. but i think that's just an excuse for my fear.
and what am i so afraid of? i can't even pinpoint that. i know i'm terrified of this baby and the responsibility it brings. i'm terrified of what people think of me - single, pregnant, unemployed, uninsured and in financial dire straits. i'm terrified that i'm not going to be able to get my act together, to make it work for myself and for this child. but most of all, i am literally terrified to be alone. not alone, like afraid to be alone in this house, but alone, with no significant other. so then i wonder, do i care about the bee? did i care about the bee? is there really any hope? or was this just another doomed attempt to thwart being lonely? i don't know what i'm doing anymore, and i'm having a terrible time trying to right my wrongs.
i seriously don't know where to start. can i apologize to the bee? would it even be honest? and would he care? do i pay the rent or the car payment first, and while we're on the subject, where am i going to get the money to do that? how am i going to get a job after they take my car? and why can't i seem to get it together? why am i constantly falling apart? when did i become so weak that failure became a viable option?
i'm sad. i'm sad for me, because i don't know where to start or what to do. i'm sad for the bee, because most of this really isn't his fault. and i'm really sad for this baby, because it has no idea what it's coming into. of everyone, this baby has the most to lose, which is heartbreaking because it's certainly not his (or her) fault.
my mom worries that i don't want this baby. that's not the case. really. i already love this baby more than i can put into words. but i'm scared to death of failing this child and bringing it into a world with strikes on its record. what kind of parent am i that i can't make the mom and dad relationship work? what kind of parent am i that i drive away its father? better yet, what kind of parent am i that i honestly think that i may not even want its father? he was apparently good enough for me at one point; what changed? and what makes it okay for me to be that selfish when there is someone else, someone helpless and innocent, to take into consideration?
i have all these questions, and not a single answer.
it was brought to my attention this morning that i've been off my antidepressant for about six weeks now, ever since i thought there may be a chance that i was pregnant. the effects of celexa on a fetus were dangerous enough that my doctor told me to stop. interestingly enough, that's when a lot of my problems started. funny how that works, isn't it? i'd been on antidepressants for a couple years up to that point - and while i can see in other people how going off them effects their mood, i've never been able to see it in myself until i'm almost completely out of control. its kind of funny, i had this conversation with my brother's girlfriend just last week and never once considered the possible implications, personally. my mom wants me to talk to the ob/gyn next week at my appointment to see if there is anything that can be done. and probably there is. but i don't know if my personal relationships can be salvaged or what kind of excuse that is for my behavior.
i just don't know what to do. and wouldn't you know it, i can't turn around without images of a baby or a family or something on television or in the books i read and i've been crying pretty much nonstop. not that it takes much for me to cry these days, but i've been in tears pretty much all weekend. and this is what i do to get away and de-stress...
i'm making dinner for the family tomorrow. not in my own house, because i literally can't bear to be there right now, but in my mom's kitchen. one of these days i'm going to have to stop running away. and walking away and turning away. and learn to just start standing still.
and i was so awful that i think i finally got the bee to his breaking point. or the point of breaking up with me. we can't talk on the phone; we can't talk, period. all communication is by text message, which feels so juvenile. but his message was clear: he doesn't need me. and that's all i got. that's all i got last night, and all i got today. in fact, i haven't even heard from him today, which means that he's serious.
of course, i ran away from it. and i ran right back home, to my old room and my old habits. its sad how much we really are creatures of habit. and so this morning, in looking for my daily validation from my mom, i got my eyes opened.
i'm not sure why i'm not happy with him. i'm not sure why he's not good enough for me - why i won't let him be good enough for me. it probably wouldn't matter if he righted every wrong i pointed out to him - i'm sure it wouldn't be enough. i don't know when i became such a heartless person. i was thinking that it was just inevitable - my taking something relatively good and just fucking it up beyond belief. it's what i seem to do. but i think that's just an excuse for my fear.
and what am i so afraid of? i can't even pinpoint that. i know i'm terrified of this baby and the responsibility it brings. i'm terrified of what people think of me - single, pregnant, unemployed, uninsured and in financial dire straits. i'm terrified that i'm not going to be able to get my act together, to make it work for myself and for this child. but most of all, i am literally terrified to be alone. not alone, like afraid to be alone in this house, but alone, with no significant other. so then i wonder, do i care about the bee? did i care about the bee? is there really any hope? or was this just another doomed attempt to thwart being lonely? i don't know what i'm doing anymore, and i'm having a terrible time trying to right my wrongs.
i seriously don't know where to start. can i apologize to the bee? would it even be honest? and would he care? do i pay the rent or the car payment first, and while we're on the subject, where am i going to get the money to do that? how am i going to get a job after they take my car? and why can't i seem to get it together? why am i constantly falling apart? when did i become so weak that failure became a viable option?
i'm sad. i'm sad for me, because i don't know where to start or what to do. i'm sad for the bee, because most of this really isn't his fault. and i'm really sad for this baby, because it has no idea what it's coming into. of everyone, this baby has the most to lose, which is heartbreaking because it's certainly not his (or her) fault.
my mom worries that i don't want this baby. that's not the case. really. i already love this baby more than i can put into words. but i'm scared to death of failing this child and bringing it into a world with strikes on its record. what kind of parent am i that i can't make the mom and dad relationship work? what kind of parent am i that i drive away its father? better yet, what kind of parent am i that i honestly think that i may not even want its father? he was apparently good enough for me at one point; what changed? and what makes it okay for me to be that selfish when there is someone else, someone helpless and innocent, to take into consideration?
i have all these questions, and not a single answer.
it was brought to my attention this morning that i've been off my antidepressant for about six weeks now, ever since i thought there may be a chance that i was pregnant. the effects of celexa on a fetus were dangerous enough that my doctor told me to stop. interestingly enough, that's when a lot of my problems started. funny how that works, isn't it? i'd been on antidepressants for a couple years up to that point - and while i can see in other people how going off them effects their mood, i've never been able to see it in myself until i'm almost completely out of control. its kind of funny, i had this conversation with my brother's girlfriend just last week and never once considered the possible implications, personally. my mom wants me to talk to the ob/gyn next week at my appointment to see if there is anything that can be done. and probably there is. but i don't know if my personal relationships can be salvaged or what kind of excuse that is for my behavior.
i just don't know what to do. and wouldn't you know it, i can't turn around without images of a baby or a family or something on television or in the books i read and i've been crying pretty much nonstop. not that it takes much for me to cry these days, but i've been in tears pretty much all weekend. and this is what i do to get away and de-stress...
i'm making dinner for the family tomorrow. not in my own house, because i literally can't bear to be there right now, but in my mom's kitchen. one of these days i'm going to have to stop running away. and walking away and turning away. and learn to just start standing still.
08 January 2008
what do you mean your washing machine isn't broken?
i'm not working today. well, if you want the god's honest truth, i'm not working any days anymore. which is kind of funny, in a demented sort of way. i was told that my goals don't align with the goals of the dealership i was working for. but truth be told, i was the only one in the department that set any kind of goal, personally or professionally. and i failed to meet those goals on the second month, giving them full reign to "let me go."
wow. i guess not having goals at all is better than having goals and not meeting them. but i digress. because none of that really matters now, and what can i do about it at this point. not a freaking thing. so it goes on the list of things that do not really concern me any more and i go about my business, which just now happens to include looking for work instead of going to work.
so this morning, i was in bed. it was late but i was enjoying the quiet. until a loud and repeated knock, knock, knock appeared at the door. the dishwasher repairman. who promptly started to disassemble the washing machine. wtf? my washer is fine, normally. look at the damn dishwasher. now he's telling me the reason that the dishwasher spits water all over the floor is because of the soap that i use. hmmm...
i wonder how much that job pays.
i stayed at my parent's house last weekend. the bee and i were not getting along, to the point that i just wanted a little peace and quiet. somewhere stress-free, where i could just sort of hide out and not be bothered. i sort of got that. he didn't understand the whole idea and still doesn't understand how he causes me stress. i guess i kind of wanted the time away to consider things, because the status quo doesn't necessarily have to be, you know? my mom says i'm asking a lot of someone his age - i didn't think consideration and kindness were things that you had to be going on 30 years old in order to give to someone or even understand, but maybe that's the case. i just want things to be right - for me, for him and for baby. because it's no household to be raised in where mom and dad are at each other's throats 24/7. and that's the way it's been. and you're right, it's been a stressful week. the dishwasher quit, i got fired, the holidays are hard. but i just need to know that i'm doing the right thing, that we're doing the right thing.
so while i was gone, i got, "i miss you, i love you, i want you here, i can't sleep without you here, i feel terrible." so i thought he'd be excited to see me. nope. he was asleep. and stayed asleep for several hours until i threatened to go eat dinner without him. and then last night he got "frustrated" with me because i told him that i really have no interest in sex right now. i look gross, i feel gross - it just wasn't a good time and i apologized. to no avail.
so i have no idea.
i deleted my myspace yesterday (another thing off my 101/1001!) and i have to tell you, it was sort of liberating. it's like a high school popularity contest and with all due respect, i don't need myspace to validate the fact that people like me. it's all bullshit. i'll admit, i got caught up in the "oh no, she deleted me" or "ooh, look who finally got a myspace." but it's an amazing time-consumer, or time-waster, really and i don't have the time or the interest anymore. so i'm done.
and now i'm off to look for work. blecchh...
wow. i guess not having goals at all is better than having goals and not meeting them. but i digress. because none of that really matters now, and what can i do about it at this point. not a freaking thing. so it goes on the list of things that do not really concern me any more and i go about my business, which just now happens to include looking for work instead of going to work.
so this morning, i was in bed. it was late but i was enjoying the quiet. until a loud and repeated knock, knock, knock appeared at the door. the dishwasher repairman. who promptly started to disassemble the washing machine. wtf? my washer is fine, normally. look at the damn dishwasher. now he's telling me the reason that the dishwasher spits water all over the floor is because of the soap that i use. hmmm...
i wonder how much that job pays.
i stayed at my parent's house last weekend. the bee and i were not getting along, to the point that i just wanted a little peace and quiet. somewhere stress-free, where i could just sort of hide out and not be bothered. i sort of got that. he didn't understand the whole idea and still doesn't understand how he causes me stress. i guess i kind of wanted the time away to consider things, because the status quo doesn't necessarily have to be, you know? my mom says i'm asking a lot of someone his age - i didn't think consideration and kindness were things that you had to be going on 30 years old in order to give to someone or even understand, but maybe that's the case. i just want things to be right - for me, for him and for baby. because it's no household to be raised in where mom and dad are at each other's throats 24/7. and that's the way it's been. and you're right, it's been a stressful week. the dishwasher quit, i got fired, the holidays are hard. but i just need to know that i'm doing the right thing, that we're doing the right thing.
so while i was gone, i got, "i miss you, i love you, i want you here, i can't sleep without you here, i feel terrible." so i thought he'd be excited to see me. nope. he was asleep. and stayed asleep for several hours until i threatened to go eat dinner without him. and then last night he got "frustrated" with me because i told him that i really have no interest in sex right now. i look gross, i feel gross - it just wasn't a good time and i apologized. to no avail.
so i have no idea.
i deleted my myspace yesterday (another thing off my 101/1001!) and i have to tell you, it was sort of liberating. it's like a high school popularity contest and with all due respect, i don't need myspace to validate the fact that people like me. it's all bullshit. i'll admit, i got caught up in the "oh no, she deleted me" or "ooh, look who finally got a myspace." but it's an amazing time-consumer, or time-waster, really and i don't have the time or the interest anymore. so i'm done.
and now i'm off to look for work. blecchh...
01 January 2008
i'm going to be how old?
the holidays have come and gone. and i for one, am cheerfully escorting them out the door and opening the car door for them, even if it is 15 below zero this evening. because the end of the holidays means that we can get on with everyday life. and that will be a nice change. although, the end of the holidays and the beginning of everyday life means that shortened days at work and holiday schedules are coming to an end. and there's very little i like better than being paid for not working. because i am pretty darn good at it.
so i was doing some thinking earlier. i was thinking about how i spent last new year's and how miserable i was. i was making decisions i knew were wrong, just to be making some sort of decisions, to feel like i had some sort of control. the sad thing was, i knew at the time i was making mistakes. but i guess i had to hit absolute rock bottom before i could come to terms with that. it was an interesting year, at the very least. and i'm happy to see it go.
i spent my new year's day cleaning. this is a small apartment and cleaning doesn't usually take too long, but today i mopped and swept and did all the laundry. i even got the bee to help with the vacuuming; i wasn't aware he knew where the vacuum was, let alone how to turn it on. it took a few hours, but it smells so good in here; it was absolutely worth it.
the bee rubbed my stomach today; i sort of felt like a buddha. according to the books, this week it actually starts taking the shape of a baby and not so much a tadpole. i guess there are some perks to the whole pregnant belly thing, and they don't include being pinched and fondled by nigel. it'll be nice to have pretty much a built-in tv tray for a few months. and i'll always have a place to put my hands when i'm feeling fidgety. so far i've been lucky enough to avoid most of the morning sickness. there was just one day last week when i really felt like i was going to vomit before i even got out of bed. and i seriously thought i might have been dying; that was the worst. but most of my issues just come after eating or if i get too hungry or if there are smells i can't stand. but i'm doing okay.
okay, so my new year's resolutions are in order. i've come up with a few things i'd like to change or do. this year i'm going to work on being honest with the bee. i know i expect a lot from him, i expect him to just know what i'm thinking and that's not right. so i'm going to try to be honest about what i'm feeling when i'm feeling it and not playing the mind games with him anymore.
another resolution i'm going to try to keep is for baby. as of today, all the change that goes in the fish jar will remain there for baby. it's baby's college fund. because baby needs to go to college and not have the debt load that i have. even though when baby is ready for college (in 2026, omg! i'm going to be going on 50 years old, omg, omg, omg...) the price of a secondary education will be in the bazillions and my fish jar savings account will barely cover the cost of the meal plan at state u.
holy crap, that's kind of depressing.
anyway. i'm going to go to bed. it's absolutely freezing in here (i wasn't joking about that 15 below thing). i hope your new year's was good and safe.
love,
superjanel
so i was doing some thinking earlier. i was thinking about how i spent last new year's and how miserable i was. i was making decisions i knew were wrong, just to be making some sort of decisions, to feel like i had some sort of control. the sad thing was, i knew at the time i was making mistakes. but i guess i had to hit absolute rock bottom before i could come to terms with that. it was an interesting year, at the very least. and i'm happy to see it go.
i spent my new year's day cleaning. this is a small apartment and cleaning doesn't usually take too long, but today i mopped and swept and did all the laundry. i even got the bee to help with the vacuuming; i wasn't aware he knew where the vacuum was, let alone how to turn it on. it took a few hours, but it smells so good in here; it was absolutely worth it.
the bee rubbed my stomach today; i sort of felt like a buddha. according to the books, this week it actually starts taking the shape of a baby and not so much a tadpole. i guess there are some perks to the whole pregnant belly thing, and they don't include being pinched and fondled by nigel. it'll be nice to have pretty much a built-in tv tray for a few months. and i'll always have a place to put my hands when i'm feeling fidgety. so far i've been lucky enough to avoid most of the morning sickness. there was just one day last week when i really felt like i was going to vomit before i even got out of bed. and i seriously thought i might have been dying; that was the worst. but most of my issues just come after eating or if i get too hungry or if there are smells i can't stand. but i'm doing okay.
okay, so my new year's resolutions are in order. i've come up with a few things i'd like to change or do. this year i'm going to work on being honest with the bee. i know i expect a lot from him, i expect him to just know what i'm thinking and that's not right. so i'm going to try to be honest about what i'm feeling when i'm feeling it and not playing the mind games with him anymore.
another resolution i'm going to try to keep is for baby. as of today, all the change that goes in the fish jar will remain there for baby. it's baby's college fund. because baby needs to go to college and not have the debt load that i have. even though when baby is ready for college (in 2026, omg! i'm going to be going on 50 years old, omg, omg, omg...) the price of a secondary education will be in the bazillions and my fish jar savings account will barely cover the cost of the meal plan at state u.
holy crap, that's kind of depressing.
anyway. i'm going to go to bed. it's absolutely freezing in here (i wasn't joking about that 15 below thing). i hope your new year's was good and safe.
love,
superjanel
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